Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Tuesday, Nov 17, 2010
Amended Food

7 social tea bisquits (vegan low fat cookie) 140 cals
1 cup tea

Sn: 2 apples and water

After dinner last night, I was hungry, even though i recognize i'm having these big meals. Maybe it's all in my head, but i was hungry. I really wanted some kind of cookie, something sweet and crunchy. My mom has these plain cookies called "Social Tea Bisquits" which have no dairy and are low fat and low cal. (7) cookies are a serving at 140 cals which sounds reasonable, so i enjoyed 7 with tea and it was an "Ahhhh, yum" moment.

A part of me feels guilty for eating cookies.

Another part of me feels entitled as any other person to have a few cookies every once in a while and enjoy them.

I decided to listen to the second voice.

I keep reminding myself that this plan is not temporary. It's not a quick fix diet. It's a LIFESTYLE.

This outlook really seems to be working for keeping the binge eating at bay.

I was still hungry later before bed, so I had 2 apples.

~ ~ ~

I weighed myself this morning and gained ANOTHER pound and a quarter!!! I've gained 2.5 lbs over the last two days!!! This would completely be freaking me out under normal circumstances, but i'm kind of intrigued. I decided to do the 2 cooked meals a day and it had been working like a charm, nothing changed, and then i gained. I don't get it. Am i really eating too much? Am i really eating over 3500 cals a day??? I HONESTLY don't think so!! I'm not eating any more than i was last week...

But maybe i am? I may be in denial. It's always a GREAT possibility.

What i do see is the following:
  • My ring won't come off of my finger and my cheeks look swollen. I'm retaining water... I think it's the wheatmeat stuff which i love...
  • I'm also slightly constipated. I mean, i was making like 3 and 4 poops a day. Now, barely one. I think i have been eating more bread than i had been last week, and i'm thinking maybe THAT has something to do with it. More bread means LESS vegetables and more calories, i suppose.
  • I also recognize that i've been walking regularly now and perhaps not drinking enough water! Dehydration can make you constipated. Isn't it fun to talk about pooping? Only we can do that in our community!

It might behoove me to stick more to the plant based foods (Fruits, Beans, Vegetables, Potatoes, etc...) and use bread and wheatmeat as special items.

Discovering weight gain is never particularly pleasant, but I'm trying to analyze it. And I'm coping with it differently. I didn't let it depress me for more than a few hours! I'm talking about it, instead of obsessing over it or eating over it. Most importantly, I'm recognizing that gaining weight is SIGNIFICANT feedback. It's MY BODY telling me something about me.

~ ~ ~


kale, celery, banana smoothie, with no agave. Yum!

EXERCISE: 1 hour walk, yay and cleaned out the cabinets.

Lunch: stir fry of:
1 can chick peas
leftover rice noodles that had minimal olive oil on them and a little seasoning

Sn: 1 banana

Dn: stiry fry of:
1 can chick peas
1 large spoon of veggie soup over everything which has a little fat in it

Sn: "Sorbet Dessert" - Frozen Black Cherries, Frozen Mango, Frozen Banana, Agave, all blenderized

~ ~ ~

I spoke with my good friend, Jan, yesterday. HI JAN! :-))) Big cyberhugs to you! Jan is encouraging of my new plan and really thinks Megan is great. SO DO I!! Jan said this, "She's really allowing you to be autonomous." I was like, "Yeahhh...", but I admit i didn't even know what autonomous meant. I liked the sound of the word so much that i came home and looked it up. No wonder the word felt so right to me. Autonomous is exactly how i feel these days...and I LOVE it!

autonomy - noun

1. the quality or state of being self governing

2. self directing freedom

3. a self governing state

: accord, free will, choice, self - determination, volition, will

dependance, dependence, un-freedom

Take my walking. I did an hour today! I feel really good about this, that no one told me to do an hour, but that i came to it on my own because it felt right. Being able to work at my own pace feels fabulous! Megan suggested 30 minutes 4x/week. I began with 20 mins because it felt like all i could handle. Soon, i was doing 20 mins once myself and again later with my mom. Now I did an hour today. Working up at my own pace feels like nothing, because i went with the flow, I listened to my body saying it was ready for more. I didn't listen to anybody else telling me to do something i felt i couldn't or didn't want to. When I was with Carlene, uy, there was so much pressure. I find i don't really NEED it now. I so appreciate this freedom to explore, and do, and eat, based on how i feel or want, to self monitor, to be a big girl! I want to thank Megan for this wonderful freedom. To be supported, but to feel free, is a unique experience and i'm loving it!

There is a big part of me that feels like, "Who do you think you are to control YOURSELF????" for wanting control over my own food and exercise. "You don't know what you're doing! Who the hell do you think you are???"

I think these must be old, old tapes from when i was growing up. My parents never encouraged independance, but were enabling.

~ ~ ~

A much healthier, stronger voice is asserting itself these days. I'm very proud of it. That voice says something like this:

When you have been on a diet almost your whole life and have people telling you, "DO THIS, DO THAT, EAT THIS, EAT THAT, LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF, YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE WRONG DECISIONS, I NEED TO BE IN CONTROL OF YOU," learn to doubt your own instincts, your own desires, your own motivations, your own self motivation, your own POWER, and you believe you can't do anything on your own, and that you are your own worst enemy and need HELP and to be DEPENDENT on someone to DO everything for you. Because you CAN'T do it.

This is my life story. With dieting, for sure.

So you keep running back to experts, desperately, saying, "TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I can't TRUST myself! Help me!"

But one day, you wake up and you finally realize, you don't want to listen to experts anymore. You want to be your own expert. You start to want to try to listen to YOURSELF. You want independance, and you break free.

So you do. And it's GREAT!

And then, you fall down, and you realize you were kidding yourself. And you're desperate for someone to control you again. HELP ME! You run to someone new, and submit to their control. It feels so good to be dominated! Take control of ME!! I need you! I can't do it without you! I don't know what i need, only YOU do!

But, soon again, you break from them just like you always did before. You assert your independance! It feels good.

For a while.

You fall down, again.

You do this a million times before you realize, this ain't workin'. You realize that everytime you run to an expert for help, you end up wanting to be your own expert.

So, maybe, you realize, from each person, you learned what you DIDNT want anymore, and that that was a worthwhile experience, but now, you realize you just wanted permission all along to be your own expert. You only needed support and encouragement to run your own ship.

You realize you just kept running to the WRONG PEOPLE for help.

You have some success, but over and over again, you fall down. But something is growing in you, telling you that you can have what you want, that you can do it! And you realize that you have it within yourself to pick yourself up. You just needed encouragement.

Then you meet someone who says, "You can do it. I'll give you some guidelines, but go ahead and make this your own. I'll be here to encourage you." And you feel triumphant. And you realize you have the power.

So you start to learn to listen to yourself and you feel so supported doing that. Wow! You become an AUTONOMOUS being. And you start to like it. ALOT! And sometimes you fuck up, but most of the time now you do great, but even when you fuck up, you still feel like a success because you were in control, and not some crazy plan that didn't make sense anyway.

You start to TRUST yourself! And you realize that you have the ABILITY to make GOOD DECISIONS. And to figure things out, and come up with solutions. And you realize that you will not SELF DESTRUCT like you believed was all you were capable of. And you realize it feels amazing to be the one to say, I will do this, i will eat this. You realize it feels amazing to be "self governing."

You appreciate so much that liferaft, that security of knowing someone is there, watching, guiding from afar. But, you don't need someone up your butt anymore, telling you you ate 1 banana too many. "That's not gonna cut it!" You realize a good coach and a good friend encourages you, but let's you find your way, and applauds everything you do right.

~ ~ ~

Dear Michelley,

Wow! I am loving it Michelley! You can weigh yourself as often as you like. I know I enjoy tracking minor changes day to day as well. I am so excited that you are actually enjoying the plan. There really are so many options under the vegan umbrella, especially coming from a raw food perspective. It is great that you are so conscious of including raw food though and still eating lots of fruit. I am enjoying reading your blog and I'm sure you are inspiring many people. The results are steady and amazing. How is your energy? Still feeling pretty good? Any detox? The walking is great. That's good that your mom is doing it with you.

Thank you so much for being so amazing :) I hope you have a great day tomorrow!


~ ~ ~

xoxo michelle joy

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