LEARNING TO TRUST MY HUNGER

Hiya Folks,

SATURDAY
It's Saturday, the first day of the 2nd week, yay :-))

I weighed in at 326 3/4 after 2 poops this morning, so i've lost 9 1/4 lbs so far, since i was 336 when we started and went up 2 lbs after a lot of salty food over two days.

I'm very content with this rate of loss, since I'm basically eating whatever the hell i want, in big big portions, just very low fat and i try to watch the salt, and vegan, thanks to my Megan-dearie who insisted I go vegan. I'm so GLAD!!! And I eat like 5 or 6 times a day. I'm in hog heaven! No horse heaven! Thus, the picture of the horse eating, hardy har. And i'm walking again. It's all good. :-)) I am certain i will continue to lose weight, slowly, but permanently, and my binging days will be OVER. Binging is for me so connected to strict dieting. Without strict dieting, i don't have to break free from ANYTHING. And I am not dieting strictly! Do you see what I eat? Maybe i should take pictures of my huge portions. I can't BELIEVE this is working. It's VERY VERY high volume, just considerably LOW fat vegan. And it seems to be working...!!!????

I amended my food from yesterday. I had more snack Friday night: 2 apples with cinnamon and agave and leftover oatmeal, about 1.5 cups. I was pretty concerned about this extended snack after the fact. Am i having a binge? Is this the start of a binge? Am i back to my old tricks? But after the oatmeal, i felt satisfied and didn't want anything else. It didn't have the urgency and compulsion of a binge. I think i was just hungry. Whatever it was, i was satisfied after the oatmeal. I think i just have a big appetite and I'm finally just learning to ACCEPT it!

But i can get really nuts in my head. Am i gaining weight? Will this really work? You're fooling yourself. You can't eat like this and lose weight. I told that voice to calm down and just let whatever is, "be." How many calories is oatmeal and 2 apples anyway??? Of all of the choices i could make, it was a pretty darned good one. Binging here at my mom's house before Megan, I used to eat 1/2 lb of natural munster cheese every night, 1 or 2 cups of icecream, 1/2 bag of potato chips or 1/2 box of some kind of snack cracker, 1/2 bag of cookies, 1/2 tub of yogurt and an entire large tub of cottage cheese before bed. Lovely. (uy!) That's high volume if there was ever high volume.

Even if i did do something "bad" eating oatmeal (when i try for the most part to stick to fruit snacks), how really "BAD" is it in the scheme of things? When i allow myself to buy into all of that head talk and feel terrible regret and guilt and fear and like i failed or am failing, i always binge. That voice...that one that whispers to me with doubt, you're gaining weight! with fear, this will never work...I'm getting more and more confident that this voice doesn't know what the hell it's talking about! shut the f up, i should say! With my eating disorder, which is very much a mental disorder, i have to force myself to turn from this doubtful fearful voice, and focus on the larger perspective. This is what rescues me from disaster. I could have easily binged listening to that voice. you fucked up already, so why not have FUN? Now, I talk to myself, with sense, with logic. Maybe i hadn't done PERFECT but this is not about a diet that i'm either ON or OFF of. This is a lifestyle plan that has a routine, but also flexibility, and backup plans! Didn't Megan say it was OK to fill up on Vegan stuff? Was what i ate vegan? check. Was it low fat? check. Am i full now? check. Then, forget it!!! It's only one episode in a day in the life of michelle's new LIFE STYLE plan. It's a lifestyle...it's not life or death. If i gain weight tomorrow, then i can reevaluate. 2 apples and oatmeal? Get some perspective!

When i weighed myself the next morning, i lost another pound and a quarter from just the day before, so i realized that the whole drama over the snack was just that, DRAMA. In the larger scheme, it was a blip. And maybe 1/2 cup of rice dream wasn't that much of a snack to begin with, so i was hungry.

I obviously have a big appetite. If i'm not eating a lot of fat, i seem to want volume. As long as what i eat volume of is fruit or veggies or oatmeal occassionally as a snack, i seem to be doing just fine!

FOOD/ACTIVITY SATURDAY NOV 13, 2010
Breakfast
3 glasses parsley banana agave smoothie

Exercise
17 mins walk alone
20+ mins walk with my mom

Lunch
1 medium bagel
2 Tbsp tofutti cream cheese
lettuce, tomato, onion
1 cup of vegetable soup
1 cup of soy banana berry smoothie (frozen banana, blueberries, raspberries, agave, soymilk)

Snack - hungry!
1 red pear
4 very small clementines
stringbeans

Dinner
Stir fry of:
1.5 servings of rice noodles according to the package
at least 3 cups of stringbeans, alot!
1 slice of marinated tofu (2 servings according to package)
1/2 cup vegetable soup
I "stirfried" (no oil) everything all together and it was so good, really BIG meal with all of the stringbeans, but stringbeans have no calories and fill me up!

Snack
Water!

I have to sing tomorrow, so wish me luck! I was nervous earlier today, but feel okay this evening.

xoxo michelle joy

~ ~ ~

SUNDAY
No snack last night, just water. I thought that was an novel concept, just to drink first when i feel hungry. It seemed to do the trick! Gotta remember that!

I weighed myself this morning: 324 1/4 from 336. That's almost 12 pounds, wow! Eating like a horse, huge meals, but low cal and vegan and I try to do with as little salt as I can, but still enjoy it. Seems to be working! I can LIVE like this!!!! Walking is a pleasure now. I bring my book. It's so much fun. I can't wait for tomorrow morning. My book is so good! And I met my 2 lb quota for this week and more! Now i can eat fried chicken! [I'm kidding!!!]

FOOD ACTIVITY SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2010

breakfast
parsley banana agave smoothie made with 4 bananas
No wonder why i'm always starving for lunch, only 400 cals. Each banana is roughly 100 cals. My mother's blender is so small and this is the biggest shake i can make. It yields about 3 glasses which i sip throughout the morning and then by noon? Famished!

exercise
20 mins walking alone, reading. LOVE IT!
20+ mins walking with mom with her walker. She's doing good!

45 mins vocalizing - it's hard work!
1 hour opera concert - that's even harder work!
As I write this, it's 5:30 p.m., and i'm absolutely zonked! Wiped out! and Starving!!!

lunch
1 cup brown rice
3/4 c. veggie soup
1/2 c. stringbeans

Quick meal before singing. Really more along the lines of "snack sized" for me!

dinner
1 triangle of baked tofu from Whole Foods Salad Bar
container Whole Foods fake chicken salad - an astonishingly rich portion for UNDER 200 cals. Can that be right? It was 1.75 servings of 100 cals each!!! Amzingly delish!
2/3 of a whole grain baguette - I never planned on eating so much of the baguette, but i was starving (In Yiddish we say, "I was vom Hungerland!) and I'm learning to trust that, and that feeding myself is OKAY!
lettuce, tom, onion
2 pieces vegan chocolate

snack
banana berry soymilk "whip" with agave

~ ~ ~ ~

xoxo michelle joy