I'm so high tonight i can't sleep. I awoke shortly after 3a.m., and if i don't fall asleep again, i'm going to have a challenging day at Arnold's Way tomorrow!
I sang a retirement home concert tonight and I am so stoked. The voice lessons I am taking with Dolores are WORKING! I think i sang the BEST i have ever sung tonight. I am finally feeling IN CONTROL of my voice, amazing. One little thing Dolores said, "Sing on the TONE, not on the WORD," has completely rocked my world. The "word" is in the TONE, not the other way around. Singing is so simple when you finally understand how to allow yourself to just SING.
I do another concert on Sunday, so I am very excited for the chance again to allow myself to sing with CONTROL! Nothing feels better! It feels like doing NOTHING!
What's so incredible, is the coincidence of feeling SO IN CONTROL with my singing with that of my eating!
I recall when i was doing the bananas, I was filled with tensions and anxieties. I'm relaxed now, I'm at peace, I'm comfortable being ME and it's showing in my voice and in my diet!
Here is my latest note to Megan, with some minor revisions:
Hiya Bitey bite bites,
....Anyhoo, I'm doing actually really fucking good, i mean, not any more raw than the last few days, but i needed this, just to just BE and be on a plan, and be back to at least vegan, and have a regiment - breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks. The binge days seem like so long long ago. This was SO what i needed. I feel so frickin good about it, just being lowfat vegan with raw breakfast and fruit snacks. I take like at least 3 poops a day and I lost 10 lbs already and it's not even a week yet. And I don't even feel like I'm working hard!
Anyhoo, energy wise, i think i did definitely feel better on raw, but this is ok for now. I just kinda need to get grounded in this now, you know? I am always on and off RADICAL strict focused weight loss programs that take so much energy and focus to do, only to swing back to out of control binge eating. To finally fall into a plan that i feel i can do long term because it's pleasurable but also healthy is amazing and i don't want to screw it up! It's so moderate, so do-able, i can't quite believe it. That i can ENJOY and still lose weight, plus eat relatively healthy and totally delish? I'm happy on all levels!!!! As i said, energywise, i do feel a definite drop after i eat, but it picks up soon after. That doesn't happen with raw.
But in terms of my binge eating...this is JUST what i needed. Raw is more for HEALTH, that can come later. I hope that's okay. i'm so happy with just this now. We'll see.
Anyhoo, we just took a walk in the evening to the coffee shop for cammomile tea and it was at least 30 mins, yay, and such a pleasure, me and my honey, hand in hand.
Today I had:
Br: green smoothie of bananas, parsley and celery, agave...delish.
Sn: 3 clementines
8 inches of very slender multigrain baguette
5 slices of fake soy bologna
1 slice of rice cheese
I was STARVING!!! The cleaning ladies were in my mom's kitchen and i had to make due with what i could grab quickly! I ate a 4 inch sandwhich which seemed like it should have been enough, but I was still hungry, so I allowed myself to go on and had the other 4 inch peice of bread and the remaining 2 slices of bologna. Why I never learned this before, to ALLOW myself to fill up, I just don't understand it. This way, I don't get hungry too soon and I don't feel in danger of binging! Before, I would think, "THIS looks like it "SHOULD" be enough." But, it usually never WAS enough. No wonder I would binge. Many of my binges might have been started as actual HUNGER! Finally ACCEPTING my large appetite feels....like coming home. I'm being ME.
Veggie stir fry
Small veggie spring roll
small baked potato, dry
dry steamed spinach
a few crackers
1 glass of riesling
very small fruit plate for dessert
After my concert, (i was fabu by the way), one of the residents at the retirement home (which is for old millionaires, a very ritzy place with marble fireplaces and the hall where we sang looks like the sistene chapel) - anyway, this blind resident loved us so much, he invited me and my accompanist and his mother to stay for dinner there! I was a little nervous how i would cope, but it worked out fine and i felt good about it. I was starving!!! It was like a 5star restaurant there!
Okay, hope you are well. hugs to you and joey! hope your ride is going good.
love you, mich
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Our concert tonight, "GREAT VOICES FROM THE HOLLYWOOD FILMS," was a tribute to the old time singing film stars like Deanna Durbin and Mario Lanza and Jeannette MacDonald and Judy Garland. I love the old songs. There is nothing LIKE them!
The one song that is my favorite in the entire concert is "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes," which was so memorably sung by Irene Dunn in the movie version of Roberta, i get verklemmt just thinking about it.
Here's a youtube of Dunn singing this lovely song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkQU-VQkhGw
Please take a few moments to enjoy. The added treat of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers, well, what can you say? It just melts me.
SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES
They asked me how I knew
My true love was true
Oh, I of course replied
Something here inside cannot be denied
They said someday you'll find
All who love are blind
Oh, when your heart's on fire
You must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes
So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love
Yet today my love has flown away
I am without my love
Now laughing friends deride
Tears I can not hide
Oh, so I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes
~ ~ ~ ~
Smoke gets in my eyes all too frequently and I miss the bigger picture. In terms of diet, I feel like i see the light today. Why did i want to lose 30 lbs in a week with Dr. D? Because I was ashamed of myself. It was a desire that was based in self hatred. I had a reunion coming up and a raw singing gig and I didn't want to show the world my fat, my fault, my shame.
It's all about self acceptance today. 2 lbs a week now seems like the most revolutionary idea I have ever had - enjoy life, enjoy food, enjoy being ME, AND lose weight... What more IS there?
"They said...Laughing friends deride...to think they could doubt....now I am without..." This song is filled with sadness and shame and thinking you know when you don't and other people's opionions, things i was talking about yesterday. No wonder I relate to this song so strongly. I do get mired down often in what others think. It's part of being a sympathetic/empathetic person, an adjuster, who senses others points of view more strongly than i often sense my own.
AFFIRMATIONS AND GRATITUDE
For today, i realize my limitations. I recognize what i can accomplish realistically and feel satisfied with SLOW steady progress that's based on a firm foundation, instead of quick results that I can't maintain.
For today, i realize my worth. I am wonderful and can accomplish wonderful things!
For today, i realize that the more I focus on what i want (in terms of my voice, in terms of my diet), the Spirit helps me to manifest it.
For today i am grateful for past failures, because they have educated me and pushed me in the right direction.
For today, i am grateful to God, to the guiding Spirit, and for good friends like Megan.
For today, i am grateful to be embarking on a new LIFEPLAN, not a diet.
For today, i am grateful to have a voice that can soar when i control it, by allowing it. It's such a paradox. I think the same applies to food. The more we control in the wrong way, the faster it bites us in the butt. When we finally learn to control food in the right way, it works for us. It's mysterious and wonderful and a process filled with new insights daily.
xxo michelle joy