TRUDGING THROUGH!

Hi there, campers,

How are you all, today? I'm writing this on Tuesday, November 9, 2010.

Last night, my mother spent 5 hours in the E.R. on the advice of her physician. She had fever and lots of pain and her drain was clogged. It was ultimately determined she has an infection externally where her drain bag enters into her body, but no infection internally, thank God. They fixed her up and she's back on anti-biotics (again....). Luckily, she was discharged from the E.R. and did not have to stay in the hospital. She's improving her track record... Score 1, Ruthie.

Mom had so many worrisome symptoms over this past week, we were sure she had C-DIF again: diarreah, runny nose, a feeling of thrush in her mouth, an overall depressed and seriously fatigued state, very, very tired. Yet, her blood checked out fine. Maybe it's psychological? psycho-somatic? She's been through so much. Maybe it all just caught up to her?

I really encouraged her alot to walk today. If she is indeed depressed, it'll help lift it, but she declined, and promised she would tomorrow, for our 10 minutes, to the fire hydrant and back.

I moved around quite a bit today. I walked with Cliff for over 20 mins in the neighborhood. I'm working my way back to better fitness. I'm in worse shape than i thought. And I walked around Wegman's for over an hour - that is one seriously huge supermarket. I took all of the groceries in, put all of the groceries away, cleaned out the refrig, did the dishes. I'm kinda pooped now.

I also feel kinda weepy and depressed myself. I'm broke, so i'm happy I have a singing gig tomorrow, but naturally, i'm kinda worried about how the singing will go. I usually eat when i'm worried. Now i just have to FEEL.

I'm also sending out flyers for our new program, "Great Voices From the Hollywood Films," and only one of the 5 retirement homes i contacted responded with a job offer, but offering a fee that is considerably lower than we have been receiving. That was kinda discouraging. Gotta just keep pluggin' away and hope the phone will be ringing more soon with appropriate and numerous offers. After the new year, the phone should start ringing. The homes book then for the entire year, generally, but sometimes have openings during the year.

I'm also feeling quite a bit of self conciousness. I'm worried how this is going to turn out, my new Vegan plan, and what people are thinking about it. "Here she goes again. It'll only be 35 days of THIS one, too." I suppose those are my own fearful projections, based on past failures. My head is doing little whirls on me today. I'm reminded that I'm in control and get to choose what works best for me. It may not please everyone. And that's sometimes not easy for me.

I don't know what people think of me. It's easy to judge. It's not so easy to let it all hang out there in cyberspace always. It's cathartic to write it, and when i express myself and say what i feel, i feel such at-oneness with myself, so I go full steam ahead, but then there are consequences. Everyone watches you fall, repeatedly, and has an opinion.

And there have been some raw friends who've outright rejected me after I started eating cooked, but the majority have not. The ones who did, it still hurts. I'm feeling a little bruised today, in particular. I don't know why friendships should be based on what a person eats or doesn't eat. That's so terribly sad.

When i looked at myself in the mirror today, all i saw was fat, looking at myself through this other person's eyes. No longer did i see the Vegan success with 4 days of great self control behind her and almost 10 lbs lighter. I saw the failure, the raw reject.

I can't do that to myself. I could easily binge over allowing myself to go "there." Gotta comfort myself instead. Remember, like those days i talked about self parenting? Gotta encourage myself to hang in there. Gotta remind myself i'm doing good, SO much better. I can't please everyone. It still hurts, though.

My mother's depressed state is really worrying me, too. She's walking around like a zombie today. Maybe it's the BuSpar, the anti-anxiety med she is on. She is really like a stepford wife. Flat affect. I keep asking, "Are you depressed?" She keeps insisting, "no." I look at her and i see a depressed state, a depressed body, a depressed affect. It's making me really sad. I wish she would just snap out of it. I miss her efforvescent lively personality. It's severely dampened with the meds. Her constant nagging and anxiety are at rest, which is nice, but what about the spark, the spirit of Ruthie? I miss her. Now i'm crying. I guess this was really bothering me and i didn't realize it. I miss my mother's personality. I keep hugging her, but get little in return. We've been fending off company, "she's napping," but maybe we should start encouraging it. Maybe it would perk her up.

Other than feeling terribly sad, funky, worried, and down today, I had fun at Wegmans shopping for Vegan supplies. I spent a lot of time checking the back of the veggie burger boxes because they often contain eggs and cheese. (I like eggs and cheese. Like? Who am i kidding. It's a tad stronger than like.) Megan's strong Vegan stance is influencing me, and I'm a willing victim. I was a vegan for 3 years and thrived and was obviously doing better then, so why not give in? I do feel surprisingly un-compulsive around food these days. Is it because vegan doesn't excite as much? Or is it all of the fruit i'm eating alkelizing me? Or is it because I feel so supported by my darling Meggie? (xoxox!!!!) Or because Megan said Vegan food is "way less addictive," and I'm believing her? "You can eat as much of this stuff as you want and it won't hurt you," she said. "Really fill up on it!"

I'm going to choose to believe that and go with the flow. I eat until i'm satisfied and concentrate on really filling myself. I obviously LIKE to be full. I know that sounds crazy to focus on filling myself if i want to lose weight, but I focus on low cal high volume, so i can do that. Like, a tub of spinach is REALLY filling, and zero calories, so there you go. And if i start really cutting back on volume, i start binge eating again. It happened recently, so i have that realiziation, i remember. I started really cutting back and shazam, started binge eating before you knew it. I need to eat enough to sustain me for 4 or 5 hours, not an hour. If i ate a veggie burger and salad, that could be 200 calories, but fill me right then, but I'll be starving before you know it. And a binge that followed THAT would be understandable, because i didn't eat enought to HOLD myself until the next meal. I'm trying to AVOID binges whose genesits is hunger. I also am not focusing on QUICK WEIGHT loss, but on changing my OVERALL HABITS and staying within my new structure with as much volume as i need: generally fruit or smoothies for breakfast, cooked vegan lunch and dinner and fruit snacks in between. [It's working. As of Wednesday, I've lost a little over 10 lbs. It's very encouraging to know I can listen to my body and basically "eat what i want" in high volume and still lose weight. Soon, i'll gain more and more trust.]

Sometimes today, i hear this disconcerting voice that's telling me this is too good to be true. "You can't eat like this AND lose weight!" Logic would argue that and say, "I'm eating low fat, eating lots of fruit and vegetables and low calorie proteins, and walking, again. Of course, I'll lose. Maybe slowly, but I'll lose."

Time to listen to the voice of reason.

You know what i was thinking about today, aLOT? You know how i lost 40 lbs in one month doing Dr. D? Well, forget those days. I gained them right back in a WEEK. Too extreme. Too much deprivation. I'm thinking ALOT about aiming for a 2 pound loss per week, like Weight Watchers suggests. That way, you get to LIVE and enjoy and also lose weight, effortlessly, like i'm doing now. It's really not hard. I'm eating big volume and feel way satisfied. If I lost 2 lbs per week, in a year, that's almost 105 lbs gone. By next November, I could weigh 220-ish, instead of 325-ish. That's pretty freakin' spectacular. I'm already at least 8 lbs ahead of my goal!!!!!

Today I ate:

Br:
2 bottles of water
3 clementines
1 rice cake (I was starving at the market!) I was shopping for greens since i was out and hadn't made a smoothie, so i was so hungry!

Ln:
raspberry/banana smoothie sweetened with agave
1 nice hunk of whole grain baguette
3 slices vegan bologna
1 slice rice cheese
1 Tbsp vegennaise
sammich fixin's: mustard, ketchups, sliced tomato, romaine, sliced onion
Like the most incredible hoagie ever!

Sn:
2 ruby red grapefruit

Dn:
"stirfry"
1 cup brown rice
4 oz marinated tofu
lots of spinach and shredded romaine
2 Tbsp of Tofutti cream cheese mixed with 1/4 cup soy milk to create "cream sauce"
fresh lemon juice and garlic.
Delish! Really filling!

Sn:
berry shake: banana, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, agave, water
2 clemintines

xoxo michelle joy