I HAVE TWO CHOICES. I'LL TAKE CHOICE NUMBER ONE.

Hi Folks,

It's been a while since I've written and that usually means I've been doing poorly, and, yup, i have been.

My friend, Jan, a reader of the blog, was so surprised to hear that. "I thought you were doing so well! The Marianne Williamson books seems like it's really helping!"

It had been. And I did well with my food for a couple of days, but everytime I fell off, i couldn't get back on, couldn't even open the book, didn't want to put the CD in. I stopped praying.

It stopped working.

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You know, gaining weight and the shame associated with that, the shame of turning to food when you don't want to, of having to wear tight clothes, of food stained messy clothes...., food wrappers in the back of the car....when i'm supposed to be the RAW SUCCESS have been devastating to my self esteem.

I used to be the RAW SUCCESS STORY...and now i'm just a failure.

And on this blog, I swing from feeling like i KNOW the answer...back to terribly depressed and helpless and lost.

"IS it the food...or is it me? Sometimes i can control myself."

I'd been following the Williamson book. Then I realized i'd never gotten past chapter one. And the questions the DVD arose in me forced me to stop listening in frustration. What was I supposed to eat? I was so confused. Williamson said in the CD to "eat fruits and vegetables". What about everything else? She never said or I just gave up looking. When i ate fish and quinoa, i felt guilty. That would turn into a bad night, and that bad night turned into a bad day which snowballed into many bad days and more and more weight gain.

The green book sits on my living room table. It doesn't seem enough to take away the level of despair with food that i have.

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Binge eating for a binge eater and gaining weight for people who don't have that issue makes so little sense. Regular people just don't understand the despair that food and weight cause us. The confusion. The paralysis of analysis. Which program? This one? That one? They don't understand the uncontrollable desire to reach out to food in distress, even when it doesn't make sense. They don't understand that even as you get fatter and fatter and more and more unhappy...that it's not in your control to STOP eating. They don't understand that you THINK about DIETING all DAY, you're just not able anymore to DO it.

I'm so fat i can't fit into my clothes, my raw diet is wrecked, and i'm at the McDonalds drive in and I'm getting fatter and fatter with each passing day, yet I repeat the pattern OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again.

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I analyze. Raw was the only diet that took away my binge eating.

OR did it?

I still binged on gourmet.

And then when i fell off of raw, eventually.

THIS ME, now, this OBESE me again, the shameful embarrased me. THIS is what happened because I still couldn't control food.

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I'm losing faith and trust in people, in plans, in this raw plan or that raw plan. Who do i listen to? What do i do to do it RIGHT? Soak nuts? Don't soak nuts? Eat nuts? Only seeds? Fruit? No fruit? Food combining?

It's maddening. And i can't stick to any of it. Well, for very long at least.

I WISH I COULD JUST ABANDON IT ALL...and BE NORMAL...and EAT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE do.

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The Reiki session held promise. I did feel better afterwards, but it was temporary. i'd need Reiki 10x DAILY with Jahn.

Anna Inez held promise, but it was too expensive to see her often. And i kept breaking out of the food combining. I couldn't stick to it.

Working with Dr. D held promise. I lost more weight on that than with any other plan. But then i gained it all back in a week.

Raw Food Boot Camp held promise. Boy, did i have to work hard. And still, it wasn't hard enough for Carlene, that crazy bitch.

All of the plans held promise. They all did. And none of them worked, because the promblem is in ME. I just can't stay on a diet.

I have a binge eating disorder. Okay. Do i go on ritalin or some odd combo of pills to stop the binge impulses? Do i check into the psych ward, again?

HOPELESS.

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I went to Arnolds Way to work last week, I'm still an amazing raw chef no matter how much i weigh or what i eat, and customers I haven't seen in a year were looking at me with such horror at the weight i've gained. I know. It's unreal that a person could gain that much that fast. I can. Sadly, they weren't friendly or compassionate and didn't take a personal interest like some people do and say, "Hey, how've you been? I'm concerned." They just looked at me like I was a martian. It didn't fill me with a desire to just do better. It only fueled the eating even more, and i binged after work.

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THE RAW CHOICE
I had a wonderful conversation with my good friend, Jan, who I met at OHI four + years ago last night. We talked about how people treat you differently when you gain weight, the shame associated with weight gain in general, the aches, the pains, the consequences of weight gain, how hard it gets to just walk and just do everyday things that normal people take for granted.

And yet, we still want to eat what we want to EAT.

But, the embarrassment and shame and immobilty of obesity is just too much. It's become unbearable.

We talked about wanting OUT of this horror of weight gain, of illness and insanity. We had to do SOMETHING.

We talked about new raw diet plans for ourselves, were still confused about how to do each one properly, but promised to start something TODAY.

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I said to Jan, "Whatever we do, even if we do something different from each other, let's just do something TODAY and put an end to this hell. I want OUT." She said she wanted OUT, too.

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I mulled over our idea to go raw.

The only problem is - I used to believe in Raw to take away binge eating. Until it didn't stop binge eating anymore.

True. Raw coupled with exercise helped me to manage my weight better than ANY other diet I've ever been on, but i still couldn't stop binge eating, even if it was on gourmet raw.

That's when i started this blog. I was feeling very helpless with my binge eating on gourmet raw. When I finally discovered low fat raw, i remember feeling such self pity and self denial. You mean, I can never eat salt or avocado or corn or durian or nuts again if i want to lose more weight? The terrible burden of this realization was crushing. I'd been to what felt like the very pinnacle of self denial...and it wasn't good enough to get me thin. The weight still wouldn't budge and i still couldn't stop binge eating everytime I went off of low fat raw. I'd gotten down to 249 lbs, obese by anybody else's standards, but THIN to me. I'd never get any thinner, I realized unless i'd give up even more food. This crushed me.

That's when I started to eat cooked beans rationalizing they were at least less fatty than nuts, so that i could eat huge volumes of them. When my thinking became fuzzy, i moved from beans on to bread. And cooked vegetarian. If i opened the door to this...then why not this? I couldn't stop it. The walls of the damn started giving way. And soon, all of bricks crumbled...and now i weigh 350+. (I'm afraid to weigh myself. I might be 375 again. The same weight of my BEFORE picture on this blog.)

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This blog has seen me go from raw gourmet - to low fat raw - to just bananas in order to stop my insane compulsion for food.

Even just bananas didn't work. I gained the 40 lbs i lost in one month back in one week. That must be a world record.

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WHAT IS IT SAYING?
Everytime i binge eat, i'm telling myself that i want to eat what i want to eat, that i don't want to be boxed into a program or a diet. I binge and binge and plan extreme diets tomorrow that never manifest. I'm either eating or thinking about food or dieting. I'm obsessed.

Am i a food addict? Maybe all i can eat is bananas for the rest of my life. Am i just abnormal with food and just need to be locked up in food prison?

Or can i be like a normal person? Eat like a normal person. I try, but I always overeat. The weight doesn't budge, i get discouraged, i turn to more food, i binge.

VOLUME...i crave huge volumes of food. It's so comforting.

I watch cooking shows obsessively. They're so titilating!

Food is my life.

Please, God, i want OUT.

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Jan agreed. We must be abnormal. Normal people eat egg and cheese burritos and don't gain weight or become obsessed with food like we do.

The way i saw it, I told Jan, "I have two choices. I can learn to eat what i want and love (legalizing) once and for all, like I did on "Weigh Down Workshop," or I'm going to go back on bananas."

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The thought of the menstrual period i had on bananas when i felt like i was dying was scary. And i didn't want my hair to start falling out again. A life of just bananas. Could i do it? I could barely stand Dr. D, that arrogant a-hole. What do i do. I'd need tremendous support. Who am i kidding. I don't want to eat bananas. i want to eat food.

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When i got home after our phone conversation in the car, i got onto youtube and started watching Weigh Down Workshop videos. I'd followed that plan many years ago and the success I had is burned in my brain. I enjoyed little portions of normal foods and lost weight. Maybe i could just give THAT one more shot.

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The free videos on youtube i found were so inspiring, people learning to eat like normal people and losing 20, 50, 100, 150, 200 lbs doing it, and keeping the weight OFF....for YEARS!!!

If i were honest with myself, which would i choose? Raw? Or the freedom of eating whatever i wanted...AND losing weight?

I had to admit that raw looked hopeless. I couldn't stay on it anymore. I'd lost faith in it. But, a life of total freedom with food and a GET OUTTA JAIL card for obesity? I was intrigued.

But raw is healthy, detoxing.

But, i've fallen off of raw so many times, i don't even know if i have the strength to even get up the gumption to get back on again.

WHY does life...FOOD...have to be so complicated?

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No, you know what? I've decided. I want it ALL. I want raw. And i want cooked. And i want what i want. And i want to be thin. And i'm going to get it. I'm going to call Weigh Down Workshop.

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Before i did that, I listened to so many free videos on youtube for Weigh Down Workshop, and as i listened and watched so many success stories, it became apparent to me that all of this suffering was for a reason. God is wooing me. He always has been. Marianne's book held the answer, but i needed more support, with the WDW offers. I finally understood that God wants me to lose weight with HIM so I can testify to his Glory, and not lose weight with RAW as the Savior or any DIET as my Savior, only HIM.

I also realized No wonder why i have this AMAZING voice...and have had no success with opera thus far. God was saving me to lose all of my weight with Him...and to SING his Glories. THIS is my life purpose.

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So, how'm i gonna DO that?

The message that diets can't save me came to me loud and clear. Raw is GREAT. Raw IS God's food. But, i'll realease it in fatih that as i trust HIM to lead me, to develop in me an appetite for what is good for me. Until then, i'm just gonna take it a day at a time...and fall in love with Him..and start a class at Weigh Down Workshop.

For now, i just have to LEARN to eat what i want, and let God do the rest, because NOTHING else is working. Plain and Simple - I can't stop binge eating, so i might as well make the best of eating the crap i love and learn how to eat it the right way.

Weigh Down, www.weighdown.com, promises that we can end our love affair with food by eating anything we want and falling in love with God. If i can fall in love with food, i can fall in love with God.

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I joined a class that starts online tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

xoxo michelle joy

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NOTES FROM "WEIGH DOWN PRINCIPLES FREE VIDEO 1" This video is in parts 1-5 - This video covers the basics to just getting started on the program.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx5M2XTbO4k&feature=related

The key to permanent weight control is a matter of the heart. The problem is we are IN LOVE with food. Religion is about what we adore. We all have religion. And if we adore food, then FOOD is our religion. We think about it, dream about it, plan it.

We have a choice of what we are going to WORSHIP. WORSHIPPING food is the problem.

Man made rules are not the answer (dieting). Dieting lacks any value in restraining sensual indulgence (this is certainly true). Diets compound the problem and are an incubator for cultivating more of a love relationship with food. (I would have to say that this is true, too, as I've witnessed it.)

We fall in love with what we focus on. We’ve had a long, long love affair with food. And to compensate for our excess, we’ve dieted. This is NOT the answer. We must break this inordinate FOCUS ON FOOD. Weigh Down will teach you WHAT to focus on. (God, more on Him later...)

HUNGER
The only time to THINK about food is when we feel true physiological hunger. The problem is, we need to learn the difference between true physiological hunger and head hunger. Head hunger is a spiritual need - that food will NEVER fill up. (I would have to say that this is 1000% true).

By addressing only stomach hunger, you will reduce your intake to 1/2 or 1/3 or 1/4 of what you used to eat and you will lose weight, no matter WHAT you eat.

STOMACH HUNGER
What does true stomach hunger FEEL like? True stomach hunger is a burning, empty, hollow sensation you feel several hours after your last meal. If your last meal was a binge, it could take 24 hours for you to feel genuine hunger again. True stomach hunger can come as a rumble, or better yet, a growl.

Your body burns fat before it sends the true signal. Wait for TRUE stomach hunger to eat. Wait for the growl.

FYI - A stomach stops growling after 10 minutes. If you want to know if you have a real growl, wait, and you'll know it.

Don’t refuel before you reach true hunger.

(You can’t tell when you’re full if you weren’t hungry to begin with.)

God made HUNGER and FULLNESS signals to listen to.

Reducing food intake and reducing your body weight, you will get healthier. You don’t need to follow man made diets. God gave us our appetites and you can trust God to direct you to the foods that you need.

EATING LESS
If you don’t know how to begin to cut down your food portions, cut your food in half before you begin to eat.

Wait for the growl.

Slow down eating.

Sip a drink in between bites.

Stop eating when you BEGIN to feel satisfied.

RATING OUR FOODS
Look at your plate and rate which foods are your favorites. Take a bite of each thing on your plate and decide. ("This is my favorite! This is my least favorite. This i could take it or leave it...") After rating your foods, push aside what you don't like and what you do like, cut in half, or even cut a quarter out for yourself. Now begin eating and making each bite perfect and perfectly enjoyable. A plop of dressing on each lettuce leaf? A glob of butter on each bite of biscuit? Savor each SMALL bite. Eat slowly. Sip a drink between bites.

Eating this way, most of the food on the plate would be left by the time you start to feel satisfied.

TIP: Alternate bites of your favorites – salty, sweet, etc..

TIPS and SUMMARY
Different foods taste different on different days. Trust your God-given appetites and marvel at how they change daily!

Best to start serving yourself less, or cover up extra food on your plate that you don't need.

Learn to rate each food item.

Taste each item. Eat those you like BEST first. Don't save the best until last. Then you've overeaten on things you didn't even enjoy.

Slow down. Small bites. Savor flavor.

Sip between bites.

Enjoy company and conversation.

Get the face out of the plate.

Politely full = just becoming satisfied and comfortable, not "full full."

Wrap up food or throw away excess.

HOW OFTEN TO EAT?
By not eating beyond full, your next hunger will come sooner. Eat guilt free. Don’t be surprised if the amount you eat in the beginning is VERY small, especially if you are very heavy. Your body is aware of the stored energy and wants to use it's stores. Your body is longing to burn up excess calories, so for a while, it may ask for very little food, just enough to spark the engine.

You may get hungry many times during the day or only once a day. This will change daily. In general, the smaller the portions you eat at each hunger, the more times you will be hungry throughout the day. If you eat beyond full, you may not get TRULY hungry until the next day. Simply wait until your next hunger. Wait for the GROWL.

If you are very heavy, the majority of the eating you have been doing is HEAD HUNGER. True physiological hunger will come much less frequent if you wait for the GROWL.

The definition of Full has to change. Full used to be ripping off the clothes and getting horizontal. Now full = just enough or comfortable. Stop and wait if you are unsure.

Don’t even THINK about food until the growl happens. Make peace with it. You may not eat much. Go get busy. DO something. We'll talk much more about it, but turn to God, instead of obsessing over food, thinking about food, or eating food, or feeling remorseful for eating food. Look UP instead. FOCUS UP. Take the focus OFF of food...until you are hungry, for real.

When you wait for true hunger and you eat SLOWLY, you will KNOW when you are reaching full.

What are you going to do tonight while you’re waiting for your first hunger? Go and live life! You’ll have a lot more time on your hands.

In the beginning, you may not eat during traditional meal times. But soon, you can learn to adapt your eating to a schedule, if need be.

Don’t be greedy with food like you always have been. Develop a trust that our Creator will provide plentifully for us at each meal. You don't need to eat everything right now because you'll never get it again. You can have EVERYTHING now. NO MORE DIETS. No more FEAR of not getting a taste of this or that. No more fear that THIS needs to be your LAST slice of pizza. Dieting is over.

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Thank God for showing you the truth, that dieting exacerbated your weight problem, that your love affair with food grew stronger with dieting and that in releasing yourself from dieting, and turning to the ONLY TRUE SOURCE OF COMFORT, you are being set free. HALLELUJAH.

We have been so WRONG to let food become our Master. We looked to anything EXTERNAL to save us, any person telling us they had the answer, any diet, instead of God. God never intended for anything else to be our Savior, except HIM.

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Do I really want OUT? Am I really convinced there really IS no other way? Am I really convinced I'll just fail at any diet I try? The answer is not to change your FOOD. The answer is to change your HEART.

The truth will set you free today. All of the time you devoted to eating? Start to think about God, instead. Walk away from food. Talk to God. Pray. Read the bible. God coordinates personal communication with you - if you ask Him for direction, He will give it.

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We’ve chosen physical food when what we needed was spiritual food. Only God knows how to feed our empty spirits.

Pray before meals and during meals. Pray for God to show you the way.

Dieting is not the answer. God is the answer.

Be spiritually healthy by going to GOD for comfort. Don’t go to food or the fridge for comfort. God is the diet. Fill up on God instead of food.

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MORE FOOD TIPS
If you need to, take a shot of OJ to cut the ravenous feeling right before a meal.

Don't force feed 10 fries into your mouth at once like you used to. Take 3 bites out of each fry. That way, you may only eat 10 fries, but feel supremely satisfied knowing you are feeding your true hunger, enjoying it and knowing you ARE losing weight. Take 3-4 bites out of each chip.

It takes 20 minutes for blood sugar to rise again and for you to begin to feel full. Slow eating WAY DOWN.

“It’s not that Haagen Dazs is evil and broccoli is righteous. It’s volumes of food. When you eat the right volumes, you are going to be closer to good health than any other nutritional practice that you could come across. For those that are struggling and they want to end this battle, cry out to God, ask Him to tell you what to do, what He wants you to do.” Gwen Shamblin, Founder, Weigh Down Workshop
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Weigh Down Workshop: 800-844-5208