Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Good Passover morning!

I awoke to birds chirping this morning!

How are you all doing? I hope you are doing well.

I'm blogging these days about how I am doing on my new program of intuitive eating mixed with raw wisdom. In this new way, I eat what I want (i try to balance pleasure AND health), but wait until I am very hungry before eating. Following my hunger/fullness has taken precendence over eating 100% raw today. I was raw for 3.5 years, but it didn't cure my binge eating. With intuitive eating, I'm finally healing my binge eating. Until I do that? Nothing will stick. Learning to eat this way has been so healing mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I can't even believe it. Raw is healing in the same ways on a MUCH MORE powerful level, but I'm not ready today for 100% raw committment. That's okay to admit! I accept it, gladly, because i know I am on a marvelous self discovery journey, and if raw IS the way to go fulltime, it will make itself known! I constantly draw myself back to raw, but find great pleasure today in finally eating what appeals to me (cooked and raw) in such a way that I no longer binge or desire to binge, and I'm losing weight, naturally. It's actually quite miraculous.

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With the intuitive eating, the volume of my eating has cut down so severely, i awake early. It is very reminiscent of my 100% raw days!

I did so well at the family Sedar with my eating!

I cannot express to you the JOY there is in just eating when you are hungry, being absolutely in control because you know you can eat ANYTHING you want (luckily i want mostly healthy things), and the absolute FREEDOM there is in stopping when you've had enough. The pull of food is GONE! For instance, I stared at at least 10 tempting desserts, but by dessert time, I was not tempted in the least because i simply wasn't hungry! Amazing freedom!! The key is waiting to eat until I am VERY HUNGRY.

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Yesterday was an interesting/odd DAY!

I awoke early, 5:59a.m., and got online. I'd received an email from a classmember of the Weigh Down Workshop. We're discussing the Remnant Fellowship church, the church that sponsors Weigh Down. I did NOT attend the class last night, and have rejected the program and it's church. I'm so glad I averted getting sucked into a cult! Having this new friendship is helping me sort out being OK having taken what i've learned from Weigh Down, but making it my OWN, freeing myself from the CULT-ish teachings, but maintaining what makes perfectly logical sense.

Discussing Remnant Fellowship is a fascinating/frightening venture. I am also in communication with an ex-member.

Did you ever see the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio, "Shutter Island?" Cooincidentally, i watched the conclusion to the film THAT morning. In the film, nothing is what it seems to be. The similarity of a story where nothing is as it seems really paralells what I am finding out about Remnant Fellowhip, a church with what appears to be good motives (to help people get thin), but brainwashes them into following a mad woman, controlling and manipulating them, and destroying lives and families.

I have ideas to bombard the media with what i've learned about this group. Remnant Fellowship has filed multiple law suits for slander saying the church is a cult. They just lost 2 of those cases. It is a cult and Weigh Down, though it teaches such a innocently sensible approach to eating, is it's tool to reel in unsuspecting victims. I have found you can learn all you need to know about eating in the first week. After that, they begin to reel you in. I am glad I am free from it.

I stayed up until 7:30ish, too fascinated for words, involved in all of these discussions about Remnant, but then began to feel sleepy and fell asleep until almost noon! It was like i was hybernating. I don't think i would have awoken, had Cliff not roused me.

When i woke up, i was in a sleep daze and a little outta sorts.

I stayed upstairs, waiting for the growl, but the growl never came. I went downstairs and, by then, slightly dizzy and disoriented (!!!), i drank 2.5 large cups of wonderful shake my Babe had whipped up (cacao, banana, strawberry), despite not registering feeling "hungry," and within minutes of beginning to eat, realized I was hungry, and in a few minutes, felt somewhat better.

The growl doesn't always come. For me, I can actually get into like a semi-diabetic low blood sugar state and never experience a stomach growl first - alerting hunger. And I actually winced at the first taste of the shake. But then, it tasted good and I registered hunger.

Not realizing I was hungry until i began to eat is, I think, thin person behavior, and it took me aback. Take my mother, who is naturally thin, she sometimes will not eat all DAY, and only when she BEGINS to eat will she realize she is STARVING. Experiencing something that i associate with naturally thin behavior was new.

There is SO MUCH TO LEARN about following one's hunger!! It is such an adventurous pursuit! Yes, in getting a little too hungry, there are some slightly scary times when i discover where too-hungry can lead me, but overall, i am experiencing positive after positive after positive!!

I'm losing weight really without effort. The only effort is the waiting and i'm learning more and more about that everyday. My face is looking thinner daily....and i'm enjoying food MORE THAN EVER before!!! I am experiencing total FREEDOM from compulsive behavior....total FREEDOM of choices.... and LIFE FEELS GOOD TODAY!

You know something? My mood is also...in ONE week....RADICALLY changed! Whew, i suppose i was POISENING myself with all of the binge food. I was SOOOOOOO DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS FEELING!! Now, i feel positively bursting with excitement and joy!!!

At the Sedar, I actually felt PROUD about how i looked, though i acknowledge I've gained a lot of weight. I lost enough of the bloat to feel good about myself. And with a week of intuitive eating behind me, I am absolutely bursting with confidence. Nothing is more empowering or beautifying than that!

And, I enjoyed actually TALKING with my little cousins last night! I'm usually so OBSESSED with food, i'm not really paying attention or conversing, or interested in anything or anyone - i'm too obsessed with the food! Last night, i found my cousins so interesting...(all of a sudden!)

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I went to the market after breakfast. I recall feeling still alittle woozy still, recooping from my hybernating sleep and apparent low blood sugar spell, but I was well enough again that I enjoyed my shopping at Whole Foods. Medjool dates, Walnuts. I was going to make stuffed dates for the Sedar!

When i got home, i don't recall a grumble in my tumble, but i KNEW i was hungry. I had 1 tray of Whole Foods veggie sushi, which i enjoyed very much.

I made the stuffed dates! They were so beautiful, i should have taken a picture.

With the S blade in a food processor, pulse chop about 1.5 of walnuts,
2-3 heaping tablespoons of raw honey, a sprinkle of himalayan salt,
a drizzle of lemon juice, 4-5 small mint leaves, the zest of one medium
orange. Leave chunky or grind smooth. Mine came out rather smooth this time.

Cut dates in half and depit. Fill date halves with the
filling so they form a lovely little mound on top. Shape the mound
until it's nice and pretty. Sprinkle each date half with a light drizzle of coconut flakes
and lay one tiny sliver of orange rind on top diagonally for
decoration. Arange date halves in beatiful pattern on a plate
and put a sprig of mint in the middle for decoration. Oila'!

I got dressed and left with Cliff to go sit in the car while he taught a few piano students before we drove to the Sedar. I registered slightly hungry in the car, but let it bypass. By then, i was feeling very fine, just a tad hungry, but i knew i had a great Passover meal to look forward to.

I ended up having SUCH a fabulous singing practice session in the car waiting for Cliff. Sometimes I do my BEST work away from home, in a kind of a forced situation. I knew i needed to rehearse for this Saturday's concert, and it was a lovely little opportunity to make it happen. I love when an opportunity creates itself, i take advantage of it, and have success! It was a joyous discovery, that singing practice. I know what i need to do for saturday - support, sing on the air (breath), fit the words into singing on the air, and all of a sudden, singing is easy! I lose my way so easily, but inspiration found me, once again. Thank you, God!

At the Sedar, we told the Passover story of the jews leaving Egypt. I think there is some kind of fabulous parallel there about me leaving the dry dessert of binge eating!

Now for the Passover feast! We all shared some salad for first. I enjoyed mine dry. Next, the gefilte fish was passed. I enjoyed 1/2 peice of gefilte fish. 1 ladel of soup with 1 matzoh ball followed. No sigh yet, i was still hungry (thank god!). I enjoyed a small potato roll with everyone else. I ate the whole thing it was so good! Next i had 2 bites of matzoh with marjarine...a very nostalgic taste from my childhood which i wanted to relive and did! I didn't need anymore than a few bites! For the entree, i enjoyed 1 teeny roast potato, 2 bites of cranberry sauce, 5 asparagus, 3 bites of sweet kugle (awesome!), and some sauteed mushrooms. I was feeling satisfied, and with the tastes diminishing, the sigh came, and I was done for now! I actually left some food on my plate!

Conversing the evening away was fun and felt new and exciting!

I felt the hunger return. Not very strongly, but strongly enough to warrant 2 stuffed dates. YUM! I did a GOOD job! Chewy and full of flavor!

Towards the end of the eve, i registered hungry again and had one of my cousin's cinnamon shnecken and a bite of chocolate covered matzoh. This is a special holiday treat and i was glad to enjoy these treats in a semi-hungry state. I think i usually would have bypassed this, but not tonight, it was a special occasion.

I was so proud of my newfound control! I enjoyed...but within the bounds of hunger/fullness. It was such a feast and enjoyed my little portion of it. Now I GET how Jennifer Hudson lost all of that weight on WEight Watchers. She was probably waiting for hunger and eating until satisfied. And now I get how Dustin Kellogg lost over 100 lbs eating raw gourmet. He was probably eating between the bounds of hungry/satisfied. All of a sudden EVERYTHING makes sense.

When we don't follow hunger/fullness, but eat from HEAD or HEART HUNGER, we are really fucked up. There is NEVER enough food to satisfy those two hungers.

I don't need to eat it all, greedily, anymore, to be content. Quite the contrary, eating compulsively was never as full of PLEASURE as this way of living is.

I'm so happy!

xoxo michelle joy

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