Sunday, October 17, 2010



I had my opera today! Considering I have a cold, my last aria went well!!!!!! The longer I sang, the more warmed up I was. I had a hard time warming up here at my moms. P.S. My mom is sick again. 100+ fever and pain in the abdomen. We have to take her to the hospital tomorrow.

A friend from Arnolds Way came to the opera. That was such a nice surprise! And 7 other friends and family members gave their support. I had a whole rooting section.

After the opera, I visited my old high school friend, Tracey, in from Sedona, AR, at my best high school girlfriend, Audra's house. Lots of laughs and good memories and fun catching up. Even though i didn't go to the reunion, I still had a reunion.

I felt good about my food today. Not much raw at all, but everything eaten when i was hungry, I stopped when i had enough, and I ate what i wanted, enjoyed my food, and didn't participate in any self-beating up afterwards.

People take these skills for granted. I apparently never learned them, so am needing to learn them now. Everyone else learned these skills as a baby and child. When they come to raw, they already know how to feed themselves without being compulsive. I had to fall off track so bad with raw to face my demons with cooked food and recognize I needed to NOT focus on raw to actually get better. Go figure!

Getting "better" is so subjective. I feel like i am....just because i feel so much better mentally about NIGHT and DAY, and i haven't binged in days, even though i'm eating "binge food." I even told my friend, Tracey, "I'm doing great!" and I really meant it.

Whether I am "healthier" from eating what i am is a different story. I'm certainly not getting "thinner" by much, or focusing on weight loss, though i keep track of my weight and keep tabs on it. Even after eating dinner out tonight, i didn't gain weight because I ate a small portion. I'm gaining trust with my weight that food is not SO ultra destructive, as long as i control it. Who woulda thunk it?

Food and healing are complex. I'm healing my binge eating disorder, it just so happens, by eating cooked food. Whether I am healing my kidneys or liver or lungs, etc... like one does on raw, is a different story, and frankly, not the concern for right now. Rome wasn't built in a day. Maybe it should be? But, I'll have to be patient. What i'm doing now is obviously a step I missed long, long ago, so i have to go back and do it now.

I had oatmeal for breakfast with honey crisp apple and banana in it. Yum!

For lunch, before the opera, i had a baked potato with low fat sourcream from Wendy's. It's a good choice for me. Better than a burger!!!! Going to a fast food restaurant does not mean "binge" necessarily anymore.

For dinner, Cliff treated me to Indian! We went to our favorite old spot, "Malik's Tandoor," to celebrate my success with the opera! We shared Palak paneer, Nan bread, rice, Spicy mixed vegetables, and I had some kind of a sweet cheese ball for dessert. Yum! I really didn't eat much, maybe 1.5 cups of food total, and found that i got satisfied quite fast. Indian food is rich, and my stomach is shrinking eating "normal" meals, instead of binges! We had a lot of leftovers to take home! How NEW!!!

My appetite is normalizing. Wow. Wow. Wow.

For snack at Audra's, I was hungry and had an apple, and was still hungry when i got home, so had a yogurt and green grapes.

From someone who was binge eating wildly weeks ago to today is a vast improvement. After Dr. Graham, anything I ate that wasn't a banana sent me into a huge binge. Today, I'm having UNPARALELLED success controlling myself with ALL foods. These last few days have been blessings. I feel like the binge eating "disease" has been lifted from me. Could it be possible that this can all happen from accepting myself, not beating myself up, no self recrimination from what i eat, eating when i'm hungry, stopping when i've had enough, and actually just enjoying food? It's totally amazing to me that the whole thing was really MENTAL.

Tracey and I talked about how eating what you want seems to really decrease binge eating.

There are lots of raw restaurants in Sedona, and she is well aware of raw foodism, and even dabbles in it from time to time, but she also binges. She remarked that when she was pregnant and only eating when she was hungry and anything she wanted she was never happier.

I'd have to agree that my food life IS happy and carefree feeling these last few days, feeling free of any binge drives, or drives to restrict my eating because i don't feel "good enough" the way i am. Stopping by Wendy's for a potato off the cuff is refreshing, and frankly easier than packing and lugging a 10 lb bag of bananas. It's free-ing to not be thinking of my "health" all of the time, or thinking in advance about "what i'm going to eat." It's freeing to just go with the flow like everyone else. Satisfying myself with what I want feels like a treat everyday.

It was so great seeing Tracey and Audra, but no one said i looked good. You know how you scream at your friends you haven't seen in a long time, "Oh my god, you look great!" No one said that about me. It kinda hurt, but i mean, i KNOW i don't look my best. I gained i think 70 lbs this year. Remember last Halloween I sang in Rittenhouse Square at a Halloween Party? I fit into my size 18 gown then, weighing alittle over 250. Today, i've settled at 317-319.

That's the only other drawback to legalizing I have found - you have to weigh what you do and you can't really focus on losing weight too severely, otherwise you may start binge eating again as a backlash to restricting again. The other draw back is the health issue. Raw is the cleanest diet we can have that detoxifies the body. Eating "normal" is very freeing, but you don't get the benefit of all of the enzymes and nutrition.

However, I'm watching all of this...i'm noticing, i'm paying attention.

Rome was not built in a day. I AM improving my diet by leaps and bounds over what i was doing to myself before. God forbid I go back to that. It seems like eons ago. What is better? Eating an ENTIRE pizza and 10 billion other things in one sitting hating myself the whole time, or just one slice and actually enjoying it?

One day at a time, i'm going to beat this destructive binge eating, and I think after that is done, I can move on to refining my diet more towards raw. For now, I'm just having fun being ME and i'm enjoying it. Admitting to enjoying it is honest, and actually HEALING. You know how gay people must feel when they finally come out? That's how i feel as a reforming binge eater. I can actually say to the world, "Yes, i ENJOY cooked food and i don't do it in secret anymore."

So far so good!

xoxo michelle joy

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