Monday, October 18, 2010


Hello there,

My mother is back in the hospital. This is getting a little old. It's her 4th trip in the last month, i think. For almost 5 months total, she's been away from home in the hospital or rehab. So, they took out her last drain last monday, and only a few days afterwards, she developed fever, and pain in the abdomen, making us suspect that they pulled the drain prematurely. Her white cell count is elevated, and it was determined today after the CAT scan that the absess in her belly from before is filled again with infected bile. So, they're going to insert another drain in her abdomen tomorrow and she will likely be in the hospital for the week. She's back on anti-biotics.

When will her body be able to fight these infections without the use of antibiotics? When will her body heal itself? She's not interested in doing raw again. Does her cooked diet really have something to do with prolonging this long drawn out illness?

~ ~ ~

12 hours in the E.R. has left me utterly exhausted.

I did well, however, with my food today, and I'm happy with the direction i'm going in, though it goes against the grain of a raw blog. But to tell you the truth, i did eat quite a lot of raw today, so i have nothing to be sorry for, really.

Regretably, I noticed that i had 60 people who follow the blog yesterday, and 59 today. Apparently, some poor soul dropped out, is disgusted with my eating habits or my daily extensive ramblings. It made me think alot about raw and how I must be viewed by others, by raw foodists, how dissappointed some must be in me.

And then i ask myself how could it possibly be viewed as better for me to go on a 35 day banana fast, only to have it be followed by a month of voracious binge eating, stuffing myself with giant amounts of the greasiest most fattening food...compared to what i am attempting now...just eating "normally." I ask myself how others can view what i'm doing now as bad when i am FINALLY experiencing real CONTROL over my eating. Perhaps what i've been choosing to eat...oatmeal, Wendy's baked potatoes, disgusts or irritates people who have made the choice to leave cooked evil sinful dead food behind in order to improve their health.

But, what i find so incredible is that i'm able to CHOOSE what i want to eat today. Before, I ate what i was told to when i was eating raw, and then when i "broke free," of someone else's rules, I ate without choice, i ate with utter compulsion and abandon. How could what i was doing before be seen in any way as better?

I suppose the ideal would have me eating 811 or 811 with some gourmet, and NO binge eating or eating cooked, like was originally my goal at the concept of this blog. If i could have accomplished that, without binge eating, i would have. Therein lies the crux of the whole thing. I couldn't. The tighter I tried to reign myself in, the more out of control my bingeing became as a rebound.

But, i can't turn back what happened. This past year, a door opened and I stepped through it into cooked world. It's been a year, and the door never closed. I tried and tried and seemingly, the harder i tried, the more forcefully i pushed the door open. It was if i was screaming for someone to hear me, "I want THIS!" So this is where i am.

I'm so curious. Do you REALLY think it's so BAD???? Do you really think i'm doing BAD??? or WORSE?

The more i talk about loving cooked food, it seems my choices are improving daily. I had a lot of raw today.

For breakfast, i had cantaloupe cut up. Yum.

For lunch, i had 2 bowls of homemade vegan vegetable soup with a butternut squash base and lots of fresh veggies.

All afternoon waiting in the Emergency Room, I snacked on fruit when i was hungry - 4 clementines, 2 pears and 2 bananas.

After 8pm, I made myself a nice big salad in the hospital cafeteria with green leaf lettuce, fresh tomato, onion, broccoli, cauliflower, pickled beets, a scoop of egg salad and some ranch dressing. For dessert I had a very very small serving of icecream with chocolate sauce and cookie sprinkles on it, about 1/2 cup.

I'm pleased with myself even if it upsets others. I think i'm going to finally beat this. I think i finally am. I'm planting very important seeds right now. Can you not see that???

Please let me know your thoughts. It's been quiet here.

And please send my mom healing vibes during this what-i-hope-will-be-her-last stay in the hospital.

In gratitude,
xoxo michelle joy


Sari said...

I really don't understand all this "I'm so sorry that I have disappointed you/warning, I'm not a raw vegan anymore"-stuff. Maybe it's some kind of US-thing ;) Quit saying sorry and do what is best for YOU :)

Debbie said...

We're still here, just waiting to see what happens. I think loosing weight should be your priority and if what you are doing will work, then great. I have many overweight friends who began experiencing significant health problems in their 40's and I don't wish that on you.

Anonymous said...

Please stop beating yourself up we are all human and it's interesting to see where your journey is taking you. A lot of us have some of the same issues.