Sunday, October 17, 2010


Hi Folks,

I'm writing in the middle of the night! I fell asleep so early last night and woke up after 5 hours feeling rested. I'll go back to bed soon.

Last night was to be my high school reunion, but I chose not to attend, and i'm really OK with it. It's not because of anything to do with feeling fat or being afraid to go because i gained weight, blah, blah, but simply because i still have a cold with lots of mucous, and i have to sing my opera today. All in all, I think it was the smartest decision I could have made with the way I feel. Too much talking to old friends on a scratchy throat would have left me not as well rested vocally for the opera. I had my own reunion of sorts on the phone with my good friends, and today, after the opera, plan to meet up with them to hang out. That's much better timing.

I'd even set my outfit out for the reunion, so i was ready to go, accepting myself as a new heavier, plumper but pretty version, so i'd really worked through the shame/embarrassment issue (weight gain), and was purely protecting my health.

You know what this was an issue of? CONTROL. Do i allow others to control me? (Friends who want me to go out). Or do i pay attention and respect my needs/desires and do what's best for me, no matter how it upsets others? (Friends who want me to go out). I took control of my day. I thought ahead, I considered how i'd feel with a cold talking the night away and realized, you know, it's not a smart thing to do before i have to sing.

No wonder I was able to do well with my food yesterday. I was true to myself and my own needs. That's a lesson right there.

So, what did i eat yesterday. Let's examine.

For breakfast yesterday, I was so hungry and had such a hankering for hot oatmeal. We were out shopping, so i respected that craving, and I waited until i got home and made myself a nice big bowl of oatmeal with craisins and almonds. We didn't have any fresh fruit in the house like bananas or apples which I wanted and would have been nice in it, so i made the best with what my mom had. I still enjoyed it.

For lunch, I was starving! We were at the market buying fresh fruit, it was like 4pm already, so I dove into my avocado sushi and into my california roll in the check out line and in the car on the way home. It was yummy and I enjoyed it. Cliff, of course, was concerned...on many levels...Is she binge eating?...Is she eating cooked bad food?...Is she eating things she used to not eat that she "shouldn't"?...Is she going to gain all of her weight back?... He said, "Is that vegetable sushi?" I was eating the california roll then, which has pollock in it. I said, "Yeah." (I didn't want to mention the fish in it because i knew he was irritated with me eating as it was). He said, "It looks like there is fish in there." I said, "There is." He said, "Oh, so you lied to me." I said, "Because you're being judgemental and I didn't want to upset you. But, there are vegetables in there, too. I'm starving, i haven't eaten since 11am!"

Cliff is only trying to help me. I'm wise enough now on my journey to know that. He acted as if i was doing something, as if i was in a binge, that's how he was acting, and he was scared for me. This legalizing thing is not easy for others who don't trust i'm not binge eating.

I'm learning to TRUST THE PROCESS.

And, fish is now on the OK list for me...I don't know how that's been a few months now after being vegetarian for 4 years, but I feel totally fine about it, especially since i'm working on legalizing food and making EVERYTHING OK so that i don't binge. I LIKE fish!

In terms of binge eating...which is my MAIN concern right now (not my cholesterol), legalizing really works. The most important part after eating what I want is I don't recriminate myself after I eat now and I'm finding the binge reflex dying BECAUSE OF THAT, like totally. Well, at least it did yesterday and has for several days. Yesterday, I had zero binge thoughts. Zero food thoughts. I just enjoyed my food when i was hungry and ate what i wanted.

This is a pleasure for someone who was so used to beating herself up over EVERYTHING she ate. No wonder I binged so much. Now that i give myself permission to eat what i want, I don't have to binge (which means I eat it later in private in huge quantities). I eat it publicly in normal quantities, giving myself permission.

And I now demand permission from others, as I did from Cliff.

I shoulda done this as a kid when i was getting punished for eating Ricky's cookies.

Legalizing seems to be working.

Dinner, I made spaghetti and meatballs for the family, so I allowed myself to feel permitted to join in and served myself up some spaghetti with just sauce. It was nice. No problems afterwards, even though it is wheat and wheat is supposed to make you starving and addicted. I'm beginning to see that MOST of that stuff was just in my HEAD - how the chemical nature of food makes you addicted is not as powerful as how you treat yourself - what you tell yourself and say to yourself.

I think i was purely addicted to beating myself up, that's all.

Later, i felt hungry and had a big, big bowl of fresh cut up fruit: strawberries, cantaloupe, green and red grapes, with greek yogurt and honey on top. It was yum.

In terms of binge eating, it was a FANTASTIC SUCCESSFUL day! As long as I don't binge and eat relatively "normal" serving sizes of relatively "normal" healthy food, I feel terrific about my food/myself.

My weight has stabalized at somewhere around 317-319, which is a heck of a site better than 330. It's not 250, like I was last October, but I think i'll get back there.

I have to be HERE now.

Here is....okay!

I know the more simple raw I eat, the more the weight will come down and the healthier I will be. I bought a ton of bananas and spinach and apples and clementines and lettuce and lots of raw stuff. But no rules now, I'll eat what i want. Hopefully, i'll want raw!

When I ate raw for 3 years? I ate it, because i WANTED it! That always BLEW my mind...that i actually CRAVED salad!!!

The problems happened when i ate COOKED and, SHAZAAAM, wanted THAT in an ultra powerful driving compulsive BIG way and binged in secret for an entire year on it.

Now that i allow myself permission to eat it, I'm seeing that I am not a cooked food addict. I have a binge eating disorder that seems to demand I feed myself what i want, and that I, yes, I, say it again, yes, I remain in control of my food intake, no one else.

Control seems to be a big issue.

I was in control of my life yesterday, so i was in control of my food.

I wonder if on the days I am OUT OF CONTROL of my food....if I am feeling OUT OF CONTROL of my LIFE? Something to explore.

On days like this when food is no issue, it seems it's a lesson to me that it's NOT the food that causes the binge, it's the emotional reaction to the food. Don't react, and I don't binge.

So, I'm thrilled to be working through the MENTAL part of my eating disorder, and having success CONTROLLING myself. Hey, and without the help of any GURU, other than MYSELF. I'm gaining confidence in MY ability to CONTROL MYSELF. Pretty amazing stuff. Woohoo, Mishy.

Yes, I still have a pretty bad cold after a week, and so i am obviously missing out on one of the wonderful benefits of being a raw foodist - of moving through illnesses quicker. Although to tell you the truth, even as a raw foodist, i still got sick with sinus infections and bronchitis at the change of season. It just didn't go to pnemonia like it used to. Hopefully, my cold will continue to improve this time, despite my cooked food intake, and not go to pnemonia either.

Maybe all of this self love will raise my immune system, too! You know, you can't discount that self love is IMMENSELY powerful!!! It's been said that someone with cancer can eat raw food and NOT heal themselves if they don't love themselves and send themselves lots of healing energy.

So, it's not JUST the raw food that heals us. We HAVE to love ourselves. Whereever we are today. I'm just finding that out via cooked eating. What a lesson.

I'll come back, i know i will.

Being a raw foodist was GREAT, but what do you do when you fall off and have to work your way back and all you want is to eat everything you denied yourself for 3 years and you can't stop binge eating? What do you do then? You do like i did and PAY Dr. Graham to help you, and you run to every raw guru to help you, when the only help you really needed was inside of you. It'll just take you a little patience to get back to where you were.

I believed that cooked food made me binge. I'm finding today that that was a fallacy.

So, what do you do? You forgive yourself, you do the best you can everyday, you don't beat yourself up about ANYTHING YOU EAT, and you work your way back...with SELF LOVE.

You start with identifying true hunger. And you start with eating what you want. You start with getting rid of the secret eating. And unfortunately, you have to give up dieting, and put quick weight loss on hold.

This legalizing thing is a process like any other and it takes TIME, but i'm coming into my own. The fact that i am accomplishing something i never thought i could...stopping binge eating...controlling my own food intake...enjoying food and eating what i weight is lower than it was...God, i'm happy for that. I feel like i'm out of prison.

I'm proud of myself and think i'm doing great.

Time will tell how this all works out.

xoxo michelle joy


Pat said...

It sounds like you have a really good game plan. I love to read how you keep analyzing your food choices. It's a great approach for other areas of my life.

Good luck on your performance.


Anonymous said...

Hey Pat, It's Michelle joy. Thanks so much for your comments always. I so respect where you are coming from and really relate to where you are at right now. I just think we're on different food journeys at the moment. Believe me, i never thought i'd be here, but it just keeps calling to me. I think it's work i've needed to do for a LONG time. I hope to get back to more raw...and be as fit and gorgeous as you someday!! xoxo michelle joy