Thursday, October 14, 2010


I had my first almost all raw day in quite a while. A bagel, butter and breadsticks for breakfast preceeded banana/water smoothies, honeycrisp apples and clementines the rest of the day. A miraculous turn around!

Well, I have a cold. Sore throat, runny nose, cough. These things happen when the immune system is run low from eating poorly, and from binge eating, and in all honesty, I had stopped taking my DE since I moved into my mothers. I'd left it back home. It's possible had I kept up the practice, I'd have averted the cold.

However, the cold feels like a blessing in disguise. It's kind of shocked me back into looking after my physical health, and in an effort to pass the cold through faster by eating foods that digest quickly and flush the system, i actually CHOSE healthy raw fruit, and felt convicted and proud of myself for it. Yay.

I have to sing my opera this weekend, making wanting to pass the cold through faster even more desirable. The cold seemed to be the catalyst needed to nudge me back to raw. I know that eating lighter, raw fruits and greens, will help my body overcome my cold quicker.

I lost control of my eating the last few days. It's been discouraging. The blissful experiences I described in recent blogs where I eat a small portion of a binge food, enjoying it and then stopping, were wonderfully instructive about the possibilities of just enjoying normal people.

But in terms of my weight, they did nothing to budge it. I have big stuff this weekend and I'm stressed over it. Frustration set in, and i returned to binge eating again.

I weighed myself in yesterday at 330, and I looked very, very bloated. There is always the inclination to look at myself with disgust, but i tried not to, and in loving my bloated reflection irregardless, it seemed to help push me in the right direction, rather than further into more out of control behavior.

Then later in the day, I had a sneaky brilliant idea about how to knock off some of this water weight QUICKER before i have to work tomorrow at Arnolds Way and present my face to the public. I took a water pill! Something I haven't done in a very, very long time. It's an unnatural way to lose water weight, but water weight I did lose. After every trip to the bathroom yesterday, I weighed myself. The first release of water left me 4 lbs thinner. It went on like this all evening, and i can't lie, it was titilating watching the scale move down and down and down. By this morning I had lost 11 lbs of water weight in one day and weighed in at 319.

My unnatural pharmaceutical remedy felt like a blessing for it restored my weight to a more agreeable number and rendered me temporarily sane and confident to continue to pursue simple salt-free raw the rest of the week to keep this( albeit unnaturally induced) losing track going.

If I can manage all raw until this weekend, I could drop a little more of the bloat before I attend my High School Reunion on saturday and sing my new opera on sunday.

I'll look bad, but not as bad as I did yesterday.

We're filming the opera on Sunday to send clips to a music associate friend who just accepted the position as Artistic Director at a regional opera company in New York state. He has always praised my singing to the hilt and, well, now is my chance. If my singing impresses, I could receive my first paid gig as an opera singer with his company.

Big frightening events like auditions and reunions weigh heavily on me. My confidence suffers terribly and I succumb to fear and binge eating.

A stupid little thing like a water pill helping me drop the bloat, and I feel recharged in my desire to attend the reunion and film the opera and eat raw. Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

The opera is beautiful and hopefully my voice is clear by Sunday. We have another performance the following Sunday, so we have twice the opportunity to film good clips.

I've been sounding very good the last few days (despite the cold) and weeks (despite the reflux). My teacher has been teaching me how to sing through those. Pretty amazing. We've been working on me singing on the ring of the tone and not allowing consonants to interfere the flow of the voice. It's a new focus and one that brings it rewards in ease of singing, ring of tone and a feeling of control over dynamics. I'm on the right track. Wish me luck with that as well.

Michelle Schulman sings the role of "Fidelia"
Sunday, Oct 17th & 24th at 4pm
Tabor Lutheran Church
Mascher and Roosevelt Blvd
Tickets: $22 in advance, $25 at the door

If you are local and would like to attend, i can set aside a ticket for you.

It's been quiet here at pure raw joy the last few days. I guess there is dissappointment in me with this legalization stuff. It's a legitimate pursuit, and the Weigh Down Workshop is a legitimate pursuit also, learning to fill onesself with spirituality and love of God to replace the drive to eat.

But "the choice for raw" has been working on my mind ALOT the last few days. Especially since it's been so quiet here. The silence has made me think, "Michelle, maybe you're not going in the right direction, honey."

I also heard something on TV that made me think. The show had nothing to do with eating, someone just said something that made me go, "Ooooooh!" This guy says, "That's what this life is all about - CHOICE - you can do anything you want. You get to choose."

I often get stopped up mentally because of the legalization thing. All of the Eeating Disorder therapists, hospitals, most of the books on that subject say it's the ONLY way to overcome binge eating.

What i'm finding is that in the obese binge eater, legalization can be hard on the weight. And discouraging. It can be very discouraging to do terrifically eating what you want and paying attention...and then to not see the scale budge. Calories in, calories out. Raw food is less caloric. And if one is eating fattening stuff and then succumbs to binge eating find yourself gaining more and more weight.

Dieting did do something. It did provide a respite. It served a purpose. Perhaps i can learn from that.

Why do i have to eat what i want every day? Why can't i set aside a few days a week to do that, and eat raw the rest of the week? That way, my WEIGHT will be better in control. It's a new idea i'd like to start playing with.

As for now, pray for me I can stay on the salt free raw track for this weekend!

And pray for me that I can sing well on Sunday and that i'll enjoy myself at the reunion on Saturday.

How are you all doing? I miss hearing from you.

xoxo michelle joy


Debbie said...

I can usually get rid of a cold pretty fast by fasting for 16 to 20 hours. Don't know why it works but it always does.

Pat said...

I can't really comment but I can only say that modified raw works for me. I finally read 80/10/10 and eating fruit all day (and light leafy greens) has helped me with my low enery issue. I was also getting tired of making stuff all the time. I have customized the diet to include some savory dishes at night that are not on his program. I need the balance, so I might have squash soup or Susan A's tomato sauce (a little oil and salt) for dinner.

There are 2 many trigger foods in a cooked diet for me. I wish I could handle a piece of bread like most people. When I have bread the longing for it last for days. I got a cinnamon scone the other day, which lead to a hunk of apple bread with butter from the bakery, which let to 2 pita pockets with hummus later.

So raw is the way for me. I have a very stressful life and I have to tell myself that I can't go to bread everytime something happens because I already know in this world something is always going to be happening. You are either comeing out of a crisis or headed into one. So I try not to have anything in the house and weekly I go to Arnold's or All the way live and have a treat. The next day I make a cleansing Green drink and try and forget about it. I remember when you were juicing you sound like it was bringing you some peace.

On 1 hand raw seems harder, but then I realized it was just socially harder, when I really think about it. I find it easier to maintain my wieght when I have less options for food. When I go out with friends it can be hard, but when I think about most of the people I'm sitting with usually have some sort of issue large or small that they are dealing with health wise. So I just order a salad and try and let the feeling pass that I am missing something.

It is still a daily struggle but I try and ask my self everyday, "what do you want today, high energy and results on your fitness plan or bread" Some times bread wins and I except that but if it happens more than 2 days in a row I force myself to do without it and honestly that gets a little frustrating, but it works.

Anywho that's my 2 cents.

Wishing you the best as always