Did you read Jinjee's blog yesterday about going back on 100% raw? So inspiring to me. I'd been praying for validation from someone that for some, only 100% will work. So many people do mostly raw or High Raw, and thrive on it. Why couldn't I?
Some of us are addicts, i suppose. Knowing Jinjee feels the same way is SO validating.
I'm having cooked food thoughts as i write this, and it's only day ONE back on raw. It's been two year OFF of raw, and it's cold again here on the East Coast after weeks of an early-seeming Spring. It would be so snuggly to cozy up with something warm. To get right back into the cooked would be easy. It would just take ONE bite and i'd be RIGHT back there.
No such luck. Today is the first day of the rest of my RAW LIFE.
Hard to come to terms with, but necessary.
I weighed in at 367 today. I was surprised the number was not higher because I feel and look so fat. I am in fact not my highest (425 lbs). I'm still 68 lbs from that. I'm not even the highest I'd swung up to again and again recently (375 lbs).
But enough is enough.
I watched an episode of My-600-pound-Life last night, and that seriously motivated and scared me. I could easily end up in bed, immobile and 450 lbs if i didn't make a clean break with what i've been doing, and make a change for the better immediately. If I didn't, I knew i would dig myself so far into denial, i wasn't sure i'd be able to come out of it. Because everyday for the last two years i've wanted to get back on raw. But then i eat cooked and i'm sucked in again.
I feel rotten after yesterdays binge(s). No energy. Puffy. Broken out. So front heavy. My stomach feels like waterladen waterballoon belly.
For all of the successful days of balanced eating (cooked and raw, in moderation) that I was so proud to achieve, I was and I did, the reality is, there were just so very many more days where food swung wildly out of control.
The inability to control cooked food and eat it in moderation is what initially LED me to raw food. I believed myself to be a cooked food addict. I had given up and surrendered. I went to Optimum Health Institute for 8 months, ate raw exclusively even when my coworkers went out for cooked, and lost 140 lbs. When i came home, i stayed raw for 3.5 years and lost 35 more pounds.
I'd kept my weight off for 3.5 years! I'd never done that on ANY diet plan.
During that time, there were what i'd NOW call mild fluxuations in weight of 20-35 lbs, when I would get out of control with gourmet raw. Pfft, that was NOTHING compared to the binges I've been having. I actually yearn for those days again. The days of weighing 118 lbs less....
I had self pride. I dressed funky cool and looked attractive! I was starting to get male attention. Strenuous walking and easy mobility were everyday blessings. Getting in and out of my car was never a struggle. Getting in and out of the tub made me feel as free as a fish in a pond! Squeezing behind people seated, restaurant chairs and booths fitting, it all made life easy.
I had to eat 'abnormal' to live normal.
I've been trying to eat normal the past two years....and my life is abnormal again.
Some of us are addicts.
For 3.5 years as a raw foodist, i never felt sorry for myself because i "couldn't" eat cooked food. I knew if i started, i wouldn't want to stop, so i never started. Cravings for cooked were nonexistant.
When i went off of raw, i ate beans with a raw food friend who was NOT an addict. I rationalized how they were lower fat than nuts. I was big into low fat then.
Somehow, eating those beans opened a door to something that had been closed. Big mistake. My mostly raw friend....is still skinny and gorgeous and mostly raw and I gained 120 lbs and my life spun out of control with fast food binges daily sometimes.
I know it will take time to get back there - to the priviledged land of raw food with no cooked cravings - to losing weight, and keeping it off, to being effortlessly disciplined and planned and prepared, to indulging in gourmet raw meals out and savoring and enjoying and actually believing they are GOOD for me and HELPING me to lose weight, to exercising because it feels so freaking good - and knowing I'll never ever miss cooked food again. It's a mindset i once had. It will take time, but I believe I'll get there.
I've decided to go back to a modified version what worked for me when i initially lost the first 140 lbs over 5 years ago at Optimum Health Institute.
If you're interested, here's my plan.
No looking back. Just forward!
- Low sugar Juice FEAST: 1x/week
- Melon for breakfast. Or green smoothie relatively light on the sweet fruit.
- Special sweet fruit breakfast 2x/wk with sweet fruit monomeal (mangoes! papaya!, etc...).
- Low sugar fruits, and vegetables (tomato, cukes, peppers, carrots, greens, etc...) as soups, dressings, salads, salsas, etc... for lunch and dinner.
- (Soaked) seed cheeze dressings, pate's, soups, etc... lunch and dinner. No added salt or oil. [Seeds: sunflower, sesame, pumpkin, hemp, chia, etc..., soaked.]
- Germinated Flax/Buckwheat/Seed crackers. No added salt or oil.
- Germinated Seed veggie burgers, meatballs, and krackers. No added salt or oil.
- Lots of sprouts.
- Lots of water.
- A green supplement with wheatgrass, 2x/day.
- Avocado - 2 whole per week.
- Snacks: Germinated seeds, veggies, low sugar fruits, flax crackers, as needed.
- Enzymes - To replace Rejuvelac.
- SPECIAL GOURMET MEALS OUT with salt and oil - Freely allowed, seated and calm! No eating in car or standing! And not allowed at home!
- Daily vigorous exercise (water-walking, swimming, walking, dancing, etc...)
- Colonic Enemas.
- Nutritional Yeast, Nori Wraps - Allowed. They make meals tolerable!
- Corn, wheatberries - sure, a few times a week.
I went to Whole Foods and renewed and on-track shopping, my grocery bags consisted of: organic collard greens, rainbow chard, lemons, tomatoes, celery, spring mix, watermelons, apples, cucumbers, cilantro, basil, tarragon, bananas, an avocado, various seeds, some of which i already have soaking in the fridge. Everything i need for a week of low sugar low salt no nut RAW.
It's remarkable how DIFFERENT this program is from what my boss, Arnold, of Arnold's Way, teaches. He teaches Natural Hygiene and 811 - ALL SWEET FRUIT and greens and 10% fat (nuts, seeds, avo, durian, etc...). The only problem with that plan is that on that i lost mongo amounts of hair, and gained weight incredibly rapidly when i ate gourmet raw. At OHI, those two things never happened to me, so I'm going to trust what worked before for me will work again. It's all a matter of what we're attracted to, too. I think the sweet fruit thing seems to appeal to jock types. Lots of energy to burn off. At OHI, sweet fruit was a treat, not a mainstay. It worked for me then. And i distinctly recall that on the nights i would eat a sweet fruit snack before bedtime, i'd wake up, and NOT lose weight! Nope, something about OHI's plan....worked.
My breakfast of lackluster melon was disappointing! :-( I'm looking forward to summer melon.
My lunch of sunflower cheeze sauce over spring greens with a few spritzes of raw vinegar was equally as disappointing! I'm missing salt and oil. Oh well!
Pray for me and keep in touch, please.
xoxo michelle joy