Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Day 8 raw

Br: chocolate, strawberry, hemp smoothie

Utterly delish! I drank about 16 oz. I could have drank twice that much!

Sn: 1 banana

Hungry at the turnpike stop. I had to drive Cliff to Harrisburg and back to pick up his motorcycle. Long drive! Was excited to get home for a good lunch!

Ln: raw taco boats! 3 romaine lettuce leaves filled with chili flavored germinated sunflower/sesame seed pate; homemade guacamole; homemade salsa; the kernals of 1/3 of a corn on the cob! no salt

Didn't really enjoy my lunch. Had a lot of fears going on in my head, and it didn't taste as good as i expected it to and i was dissappointed. but it was beautiful looking! i don't know if maybe i wasn't hungry enough for lunch yet... maybe that's why it didn't taste as good? Or was it because it really did need a little salt?

Dn: berry smoothie (raspberry, strawberry, blueberry, 1 banana); 1/2 cup of leftover lunch taco fillings with 2 sprinkles of salt.

The smoothie was refreshing but i was hungry within an hour. The leftovers i was worried would be dissappointing again so i added a little salt. Whew, THAT tasted delicious! That little bit of salt helped me enjoy what i felt might have been unenjoyable! Still, fighting off and guarding against all or nothing thinking....

_ _ _

I could write 10 blog entries a day and it would never cover all that I go through in a day as a new (return) raw foodist. There is so much i want to say. Sometimes today, I was so flooded with feelings of joy, and love for Cliff, it's a little scary, like a shoe is going to drop and something bad is going to happen. The numbness of compulsive eating has without a doubt lifted!!! I'm living life aware of my feelings now! Or maybe i was always aware that i was feeling 'something,' but i didn't know WHY or WHAT. Well, I'm feeling them, baby! I often through the course of the day find i don't feel good. It'd be so easy to brush it off and say, 'raw food makes me feel bad.' But, so far, i've identified today that these 'bad feeling' episodes have had nothing to do with the food making me feel bad, and everything to do just emotions, feelings percolating to the surface for expulsion. Soon, the floodgates open, my mouth starts moving and i talk to Cliff and figure it out. "Ahah!, so THAt's what was bothering me..." I'm a very emotional person, and thoughts i have, and fears that i notice, affect me emotionally. I have many waves of emotions throughout the day, happy to sad and everything in between. It's kinda intense. Man, i must've been REALLY numbed out before. Today, i felt inexplicably sad again, then i realized, I was feeling some pretty significant fear about losing weight. So many fearful thoughts pass through my head about weight. I hear Carlene's voice from bootcamp. "You can't eat bananas and lose weight!" I hear Dr. Graham's voice. "You can't eat corn and lose weight!" I hear Gwen Shamblin's voice. "You can't eat a second raw taco and lose weight!" No wonder why i didn't ENJOY lunch! They wouldn't let me! Everyone is telling me i'm doing something wrong. Am i? Or am i just learning to follow my OWN lead? It's kind of a scary place to be in, attempting to trust myself, eating what i want, raw, and also what i think is healthy, like germinating my seeds, and other times just eating what i need for pure pleasure, like a few sprinkles of salt. Man, did that do the trick, or what??? Sensual indulgence. I just needed a little. Also, just feeding my own hunger, too, can sometimes be confusing, scary. First i have to confirm what i'm feeling to be real hunger. Sometimes I bypass it because i want to wait for my meal at home. Sometimes I address it right away if i can, like taking a snack. It's not an easy job, it's independant, and scary all at once.

This is me getting over my eating disorder.

xxoxo michelle joy

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