So, I wake up this morning, crazy early, at 4:30 a.m.
By 6 a.m., I'm in the kitchen, hungry.
I peruse the fridge.
I don't "feel" like a green smoothie.
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I "feel" like something warm.
I "feel" like Sprouted Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin toast....with vegan cream cheese...and tart cherry jelly.....(so good, it's from Switzerland), and a hot cuppa Earl Grey tea with almond milk and raw honey.
It sounds right, feels like it would be comforting.
I'm gonna do it.
The kitchen is quiet and peaceful. We cleaned it yesterday so it feels so nice in there! It's still dark out, Cliff is still asleep.
I feel relaxed this morning but melancholy as I crunch into the toast. Man, soooo good. This cinnamon raisin toast is better than the un-sprouted kind.
I enjoy my breakfast as guiltlessly as I can, knowing it's not on the plan. Knowing I'll write about it takes some of the sting away.
I bask in the warmth from the tea, enjoy the sweet taste, and sit down to the computer. Satiated and satisfied, I feel surprisingly unapologetic and OK.
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Sugar is a no-no. Sugar is what is keeping me fat, Raymond Francis says.
The problem is - I really LIKE it!
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According to this morning's "Abe," (my friend Joy and I refer to our daily email of Abraham quotes as Abes), I do think I was maybe doing something good this morning.
I was in vibrational sync with myself and my desire. I was being and expressing me.
The BIG question is......Is that OKAY???
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Often with food, we don't realize that the choices we are making are not in our best interest, until later. Through trial and error, we see how we feel AFTER we eat something. We're in a better position then to fully realize the implications of our decisions.
How does tea and toast make me feel, after I eat it?
I need to know and fully realize how I feel after I eat something. Then I can make better informed decisions!
Logging ones food is so powerful, says Francis. I need to do this.
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Alas, it seems as soon as you read a book telling you what not to eat, you suddenly want everything you're not supposed to have!
I suppose that's human nature....
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Honestly, I am really aspiring to enter a state of examination right now, because I've tried unsuccessfully to be perfect on plans my entire life and can never be. I want to discover ME. I'm watching and evaluating and seeing what I come up with. If I never know who I am, I think I will always keep binge eating. When I am authentically in touch with me, I don't think I will need to reach out for something any more.
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So I ask myself....
Do I really want to be sugar-free?
Do I really want to be wheat-free?
Do I really want to never be fat again and do what Raymond Francis says I need to, to get there?
Pretty HUGE implications!
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Sierra's "Law of Attraction" un-diet plan (www.iam-iam-iam.com) asks for me to summon what to eat using my newly aligned vibration, after reading and listening to her words.
Sort of ike a healthy Geneen Roth plan! Kind of cool and freeing. I can dig it!
And the www.TurningInstitute.com Therapist would probably say for me to determine what I want to eat myself, too.
Self-awareness and self-determination would lead to greater and greater degrees of intuitive eating.
And there is something HUGE to say about INTUITIVE EATING because most naturally thin people do it.
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On the other hand, green smoothies ARE my favorite breakfast, really, because I FEEL the best when I drink them.
Energized, even, and just GOOD knowing they are the best for me...green smoothies makes me feel good.
And I know they are making me healthier, giving me enzymes and minerals and vitamins. The more nutrition I receive, the less hungry I'll be.
Important point to constantly remember.
Green smoothies are just good!
I'm still hungry, i think i'll have one!
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The other morning I had Sunshine Burger and Leftover Pasta for breakfast.
Whew, what an energy slump that led to!!
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I'll keep Francis' plan and book forefront in my mind. I'll keep studying it, and allow the info keep washing over me, through me and not expect perfection.
I think in that way, his education will ultimately change my desires.
After all, if we attack there, and actually change our desires, real change occurs. Our desires and behaviors will finally be in alignment.
This is the Roy Masters approach. (www.fhu.com.) Roy teaches, "just watch your behavior. Don't react. One morning, you'll wake up and you'll do it." By watching without reacting, we are allowing our Soul, our Spirit, or is it our subconscious (?) to make the change, instead of using effort/ego.
Ego/effort changes never hold.
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My mom has been eating vegan, well, mostly vegan, for quite a while now.
Under my suggestion, she cut out most meat. She has a taste every now and again.
She also cut out quite a bit of dairy, though she still eats some.
I have to smile when I open her fridge and see the vegan "ersatz cheese" that she bought herself in the fridge, and her leftover green smoothie from that morning, waiting for her to drink later in the day. It's also totally cute when she asks me to pick up the mock egg salad she likes from Whole Foods. What a good mommy I have.
"Every morning I make the green smoothie," she tells me.
She is so good.
She even gives a small glass to my dad now in the morning and he DRINKS it. I never thought I would see the day.
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My mom broke the news to me that the Doctor called last week and the lump on her thyroid is bigger.
They want to take a biopsy next week. They will probably want to take it out and put her on synthetic hormones. Of course, i've been advising her against it.
She doesn't want to have more surgery, but they will try to convince her.
She is amenable to going to see Dr. Arcilla for a live blood test to see if her situation could improve naturally.
We're both going to see him.
Time to bite the bullet and take whatever criticism he hands me, too.
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My mother buys fresh dill weed every week, so that when I visit, I can make a Raw Vegan Ranch Dressing my parents just absolutely LOVE.
I tell my mom weekly, "If daddy would have a salad with this dressing EVERY DAY, and drink green smoothie for breakfast EVERY DAY, and have pasta or potatoes instead of meat for dinner, his Lukemia numbers would go down."
Every week she says, "Really?" And really means it. But she still makes him meat.
He does love that dressing. And now the green smoothies!
My parents do hear me, but I think it's a matter of belief, and of conditioning.
It's the same with me!
We just ALL need constant CONSTANT encouragement and education over and over and over and over.
Really.....we need brain washing.
And we need awareness.
And we need to be connected....spiritually.
Of ourselves, we can do nothing.
We have to have patience with ourselves until our Highest Self's desires and our desires SYNC.
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I feel really bad about my mom.
Why her diet changes didn't help?
Maybe they did.
Maybe the lump would have been worse by now.
She is on ALOT of meds.
And she has not been walking.
And she doesn't follow vegan or even vegetarian perfectly lately.
She eats white bread and stopped buying the sprouted, so I bought her some more sprouted yesterday.
And she doesn't drink much water.
I hope it's not cancer.
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I have some lentils on the stove.
They smell so freakin' good.
I boil them in water with fresh garlic and italian herbs until they suck up all of the water, then I add more.
Every time they suck the water up, i add more, until they're done.
In like 30 mins, oila.
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I'll make lentil burgers with them using the Sunshine Burger recipe I told you about.
The Sunshine Burgers I made the other night are so entirely YUMMERS!
I baked them with a little olive oil.
Half of the batch I made plain with the carrot/celery/onion/garlic. The other half I added spinach and sage.
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I brought my mom a wonderful vegan lunch of leftovers from my house.
Chickpeas with steamed veggies.
Mashed potatoes with vegan butter and vegan cream cheese.
Tinkyada Brown Rice spirals with vegan cream of mushroom sauce
I made it with mushrooms, onion, garlic, unsweetened almond milk, vegan cream cheese and vegan parmesan, white wine, salt, vegan butter and olive oil and a little whole wheat flour.
....and then added chunky peppers, onions and mushrooms.
She loved it.
Cliff loved it.
I loved it.
...so much i ate it for breakfast the next day.
Oh yeah, we already went over that.
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Starchy stuff is so yummy, even if it's gluten free, and I invariably overeat it.
I'm supposed to have mostly salad and raw veggies and fruit and had a big plate of starch for dinner. It was good, but...
Dr. Fuhrman's plan says NO STARCH for obese people.
Ignorence is bliss, I tell ya.
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I felt anxious at my moms today and went right for the cookie cabinet when she went to the bathroom. A BIG handful of Famous Amos and a handful of chocolate covered grahams down the hatch.
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Last night I had Greek dairy yogurt on top of frozen fruit with agave drizzled on top.
It was so frickin' good. I think I will have that every night, and I actually might.
I know dairy is not good, but it tastes so frickin' good and it is fat free and I like the bacteria factor for digestion.
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I did, however, buy Fermented Coconut Milk Kefir at Whole Foods to push myself in the right direction.
Blech, not nearly as yummy as the dairy kind, but I might be able to get used to it.
Chock full of healthy bacteria, it is a better choice.
After all, almond milk in my tea is nowhere near as good as dairy milk. But I can get used to it.
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When you evaluate your actions and you come up short repeatedly, there is a natural desire to feel really bad about yourself, really guilty, and if you have an eating disorder, to binge, to give up, and to abandon ship, completely. I'm no good, I'm worthless, I can't do it.
Realizing ahead of time, i KNOW i can't do it, says I'm being authentically me finally.
I am going to try a better route.
I am going to try to be easy going on myself, as Abraham and Roy Masters suggest.
Their message is one of TRUST, to be happy right where you are today and now, and just TRUST, that no matter what, things WILL get better, as long as you keep paying attention.
Be happy eating the wrong thing. Because eventually you will attract the RIGHT thing into your existence.
What we usually do and what leads to binges, is we are miserable eating the wrong thing. Then we can never get enough of it and we NEVER give ourselves the chance to attract the right thing into our existence because we shut awareness down and close our eyes.
This new way is certainly a new way to be.
It is certainly not the FAST approach, but the fast approach often ends up rebounding into a yo-yo situation, so we don't make permanent progress that way, either. It's when you've fallen so many times that you realize, hey, I don't have the strength to do this on my own anymore. Then you learn to allow mistakes until you don't need them anymore. Like a kid learning to ride a bike. Who expects perfection learning something new except us dieters? No one.
Resist the temptation to feel terrible and beat yourself up, and just keep plowing forward, looking at the good in what you do, always. Always grateful for what good you do.
...All the while, enjoying, and smiling.
xoxo michelle joy