Saturday, January 14, 2012


Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting
--- Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Kansas City, MO on Saturday, July 22nd, 2000 # 318

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(Wow, is that profound or what?)

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Yesterday, I had a nice little visit with a friend.

When she asked how i am doing...

I answered, "GREAT!"

Because in truth, i am feeling very well.

I explained to her that i've decided to feel happy and worthy, no...matter...what!!

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Since i listened to this Abraham Audio (that my fantastic amazing friend, Joy, sent to me) (Please click below and listen. It's about 10 mins long and it's AMAZING!), I am so SURE that feeling happy and really the "goal." I'm positive that my work now has less to do with diet and more to do with loving myself and allowing myself to enjoy life, and my blessed days here on matter what. And, no matter what I weigh.

(Esther Hicks) ON WEIGHT LOSS

From the audio that Joy sent (listen above), I transcribed impactful points (in blue, see below), that really hit home. (Let me tell you, this is one POWERFUL audio!)

Just as a kind of an overview, Abraham (Esther Hicks from "The Secret") says that we will only succeed with losing weight - if - we accept where we are right now and learn to allow ourselves to enjoy each day - just as we are.

We have to learn accept ourselves...and how to...self comfort.

She said so much, but one thing that really hit home was that the "diet" is a way of self comforting. A faulty one, but it's one way we 'try' to achieve comfort.

We have to learn to self comfort without running to "the diet" as if "the diet" was the answer/the source of comfort. The diet is not the source of comfort. Nor is the result - thinness. Or the lack of a result - when we're back to binge eating. None of it works to comfort.

We can't care what other people think of us, either. That made a huge impact on me, because my entire life, i'm hiding from everyone when i gain weight, feeling i need to explain to people shamefully why i've gained weight (like it's any of their business).

Not only that, i use the language of the eating disorder to talk about life. "How are you?," someone asks. I answer, "I gained weight." Food and weight as a screen - and you never get down to the nitty gritty of what's bothering you. Maybe i'm anxious about an upcoming performance, maybe i'm scared shitless i'm going to lose my mom as she lay in the hospital (she's doing great now).

Terribly self conscious of being judged a failure in others eyes for gaining weight, causing myself such unending suffering, I ask now the unthinkable, "Am i worthy....fat?"

I never thought so.

My mother first put me on a diet at the age of 8.

I'm moving on, baby. I'm changing my mind today - "I am worthy just as i am! "

Abraham said in the audio that we have to stop trying so hard. We have to surrender and just allow ourselves to be "fat and happy." Paradoxically, she explains, the happier we are fat, the thinner and thinner we'll get! She says, "Soon fat and happy will turn to just happy." We won't need the fat part anymore. The trick she says is learning to love and accept yourself irregardless of your weight.

I really believe that this is so IT.

With every diet (the thing i do so i can be "happy" and "worthy" in my and other people's eyes), there is always the inevitable backlash when i fail at the diet (returning me to a state of misery and unworthiness). Nowhere in that equation do i ever get to just be happy. Or to enjoy food, enjoy life, enjoy me, Cliff, everything! No, I'm always yearning for unatainable happiness. It's always illusive and connected to "when i get thin...." or "when i eat that hamburger," when i'm bingeing. The two parallel states of dieting and binge eating are things we DO to GET something....that we can never get.

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I get to be happy now, no matter what I weigh. HALLELUJAH!

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In my food history of dieting and binge eating, I'm either in constant denial or in constant overindulgence.

When i finally accept myself as i am and just enjoy myself - enjoy my day, enjoy me, enjoy food - really ALLOW enjoyment - suddenly, i end up doing the unthinkable - controlling and balancing my food, naturally.

This is how it works: If i'm going to enjoy myself no matter what i weigh, then I inherently want to FEEL GOOD - and that desire to feel good is what drives me to make better food choices - just NATURALLY without struggle - out of love for myself because i know it's good for me. Who woulda thunk it????

Conversely, when i am perfectionistic and judgemental and miserable and remorseful and depressed because "i'm so fat," "i'm so out of control with eating," i can't stop eating, i can't see what issues are bothering me, i'm lost in the fog, i keep getting fatter, i seek diets desperately as the answer to just STOP the insanity. But the diets turn out to be really wolves in sheeps clothing, because they actually make me FATTER (eventually, after i binge out) because the DIET and the resulting WEIGHT LOSS and the ULTRA CONTROLLED EATING were never the source of happiness and self worth in the first place! And dieting was never the source of 'true' lasting thinness either. It never solved my inability to not comfort without food.

That's really the crux of the problem. So, maybe i had the kind of mom that shoved a cookie in my mouth when i cried. Maybe my own mom was uncomfortable with emotions, and just letting me "be" a whole functioning person was threatening to her. She was broken, so she created a broken child, who learned to stuff strong emotions down....with food.

Of course, the sexual abuse must play a huge role in feeling unworthy and in disconnecting from the body, from feelings, from happiness.

Today, I choose happiness and self worth, regardless of what i weight, and when i'm happy, food suddenly is put back in it's place - it's just food, and not love. Love comes from ME, from GOD, from others if I allow it. No matter what i weigh. No matter what i ate or did or how i look. Can I allow love?

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The last few days at Arnold's Way went well. No horrible out of control raw binges like i've so often had. That feels nice! And i've been doing SO SO well at home with food. Making good choices because i feel good about me, not making good choices "so that" i can feel good about me. It's a big difference.

Treats are former binge foods. Well, former binge foods was really "everything!!" Today, meals or formerly forbidden foods don't lead to secret binges like they used to since I understand the goal is to love myself no matter what i eat or weigh. I eat today in moderation almost naturally, organically, because that way, i get to enjoy food and still feel good.

It's the secret to self control.


Today, I ALLOW pleasure without pleasure being all about pain. Pleasure as pleasure is so luscious. I had a very small slice of pie and a glass of wine with lunch. It was soooo Nigella!

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The other night, i had a blip, but still it showed improvement. I acknowledge my successes today, even if they look like failures.

I came home from work and ate a vegetarian meal, but i wasn't hungry, and it was late. I was aware of it, two no-no's, too late, not hungry. Still i did it. It tasted good! And I became aware afterwards that i felt very remorseful and guilty. The binge reflex reflexed, and i wanted to binge.

This is so interesting just SEEING the urge. i just kept noticing.

[Awareness: Binge eating is an attempt to comfort myself from the realization of the horrible diet infraction i just made.]

[Awareness: The strict diet the next morning is an attempt to comfort myself to get over the binge the night before.]

The panic, the struggle, the misery, that all has to dissappear, says Abraham.

So, I considered how i'd feel the next day if i'd binge. Would i feel happy, comforted? No, i'd be bloated, refluxy, dissappointed even moreso. I asked myself, "Can't I learn to comfort myself without binge eating?"

I decided to go to bed and be warm and snuggly with Cliff and enjoy a movie. Hey, I GET it, I deserve to enjoy life....even if i overeat! I don't have to punish (comfort) myself with food when i make a mistake. I allowed LOVE instead. Bravo, Michelley!

[Awareness: Binge eating is sado-masochistic - Pain and Pleasure all in one. The pleasure of food with the pain of self destruction. I don't want that anymore. Food is too good to fuck up like that. It's so much nicer to enjoy it in moderation!!!]

[Awareness: "Healthy" food now includes "treats" and comes in alot of forms today, it's a very large long spectrum of grey, and gives me pleasure while eating. Afterwards, I pay attention. Do i still feel good? That will inform my choices for tomorrow! Remaining always in a state of watchfulness, I monitor how foods taste, make me feel, how things in life make me feel. I stay aware, alert! That will put the death to binge eating!]

I think ultimately THIS work i'm doing the way i am going to beat binge eating and obesity, not from a diet. This way is intuitive and organic. I'm not doing something because "somebody said" raw food makes you feel better. Does it? I'll figure that out for myself then! I already know that smoothies for breakfast make me feel great and raw food at work that doesn't center on nuts leaves me feeling energetic! I'll keep discovering!

Abraham agrees and says we already KNOW that eating healthy makes us healthy. That's a given. I have to let the whole idea go - that i can only allow myself to be happy and love myself and allow good things in my life....if i eat right.

I really "get" this. Boy, do i get this. Historically, when i diet, i love myself, i'm proud, i'm in control. When i go off and binge and gain weight, i am unworthy of life, of love, of fun, of adventure, i hate myself, i hide, i resist life, i'm out of control, and life becomes solely about seeking pleasure through my mouth at the expense of my hips - painful huge expensive binges that eat up my days, my life, my years, my opportunities, etc.... I can be stuck in this hell hole for months. When i diet, again, i love myself again. Born again!

It wouldn't be uncommon to hear from me on a diet, "When i get thin, i'm going to find more romance, be a professional singer, travel the country, be a millionaire!"

Soon, i make a diet infraction, and i'm back to unworthiness, to the hell of binge eating and a small life in a darkened room in front of the TV, miserably feeding myself compulsively, shoving the food in, crying, receiving pizza deliveries and adding mounds of fast food wrappers to the back of my car. Life becomes very small, very shameful, very painful.

That is no way to live. So, life is either nothing, wasted, hiding, or a dream of what could be...when i get thin.

I have known for a long long time that there is some way of being and living that lies - in between - those two extremes. All of this time, on and off of raw, I have been desiring to get "there."

Like, I watch the cooking shows, and Nigella Lawson and Lydia Bastianich are fat and happy, I adore them, I want to be them, perfectly sensually womanly PLUMP, not even fat, and sexy and beautiful, but they LOVE food and enjoy it in moderation. And more than that, they love LIFE, adventure, family, travel, teaching, themselves! I so want THAT! They take a bite of something sinful, and it doesn't run their life. They have a portion and leave the table happy, "Ah, that was splendid!" No running to barf in the toilet out of self hate and disgust and fear.

Abraham says dieting to love myself will never work until i learn to soothe myself without food and learn to love myself DESPITE WHAT I WEIGH. OKAY. GOT IT!

I also have to allow myself SUCCESS despite what i weigh. Abe says today that we deem ourselves worthy or unworthy depending on what we 'feel' we deserve.

Can i deserve to be a fabulous singer and be fat?

Can i deserve to look nice in clothes even if i'm fat?

Can i deserve to swim and enjoy water even if i'm fat?

Can i consider myself beautiful and attractive and sexy even if i'm fat?

Can i deserve to be eligible for jobs even though i'm fat?

Can i deserve to do raw cooking classes, or books, or videos, or sing and make raw dinner at arnolds way...even though i'm fat?

Well, i'm gonna try!!!

What have you decided you matter what? WRITE ME!

If you are like me, you'll understand. I have been putting my life on hold until i get thin. The problem is: thin has always been fleeting. I'm grabbing after the unreachable "thin and happy."

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Thin and happy is HERE TODAY (only I look fat on the outside). So what! I can choose to be thin and happy on the inside ALREADY.

Thin and happy is a place of finally accepting myself. If i accept and love myself today, I'm already THERE to the initial 'comfort' I was searching for. My body just has to catch up!

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I did good the other night - I felt an intense sudden anxiety because i had to sing the next morning. I noticed it and decided NOT to binge because i wanted to learn to self soothe instead.

More and more of these types of decisions, and i'll be through with binge eating, and then someday, i will not be morbidly obese anymore.

PS: Another awareness in other words: You know how there is never enough food in the world to fill up that hole when we are bingeing? Well, it's because food is NOT comfort. No amount of "not comfort" will fill a hole begging for comfort. We have to learn to comfort ourselves.

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I wrote down important point from the teaching!

-The fastest way for you to get there in terms of real manifestation is to stop the struggle against the weight you don't want, and try to begin to make peace with the weight you've got.

- It is the dissatisfaction with where i am that is the greatest hindrance in moving towards what you want.

-When you are dissatisfied, your problem solving nature makes you want to take the bull by the horns. Is doesn't work.

-On the new journey of self love/self soothing, a part of us is activated often that feels that we are in a wrong place - we are not. "Sooth that."

-You've got to love yourself as you are before you can come into the image of your best self.
Let go of the struggle

- We must learn to separate our actions...from our emotional journey.

- Our weight is not going to change this red hot minute. You have a choice - you can feel fearful or you can feel hopeful. The difference is one moves in the direction of what you ultimately want.

- The work is not the diet. We know from multiple failed efforts that food and exercise can affect you, yes, but until you get to the vibrational heart of what needs to be comforted, you haven't found the lasting soltuion.

- Make peace with who you are in terms of your body. Say, "Here is where I am, and it's not my ideal, but it is where i am, and it's okay. I'm alright where i am."

- De-emphasize the struggle in the journey.

- Pretend you are going on a roadtrip with others for 15 days. One of the people in the car is miserable to be with, they just broke up with someone and they are angry and complaining and miserable the entire 15 days. Another traveling companion is in love with life and filled with joy. Which person would YOU rather travel with? You would say to the miserable person, "Let it go at least for these 15 days while we are on vacation!" This is a lesson for us - "Let it be what it is." Say to ourselves, "I'm going to be a pleasant traveling companion to myself!" Make peace with where you are.

- A lesson in the wrong motivation vs. right motivation: Do not say, "I will do this right now because it will take me to the body weight i want." Say: "I will do this because i can feel good right now regardless of my body weight...if i'm determined to do it."

- We would have been alright if we had been making decisions based upon how they make us feel all along. (this is huge). (This is also the crux of ALOT of problems.) (How do I feel about this or that? Who am I? What do I believe? How do I feel about certain foods no matter what anyone else says? How do they make ME feel?)

- We've been trying to evaluate ourselves through the eyes of others. The goal now is to feel peaceful, okay, surrendered, happy, irregardless of weight.

- You must soothe yourself into emotional comfort NOW before your desire to be thinner can become manifest.

- The diet is usually "the comfort." Instead, we need to learn to comfort ourselves before our body weight will ever change.

- We are so hard on ourselves when we are someplace different that where we want to be.

- We must stop calling ourselves fat. In doing so, we are holding ourselves apart from what we want.

- It's not easy to let go of this obsession with weight and to stop being so hard on ourselves and stop comparing ourselves with others, but THAT is the work. We need to compare ourselves with our hearts desire and stop comparing ourselves with others.

- The question arises, "If i make peace with where i am, won't i just get fatter and fatter?" In giving way to fat and happy, in time, happy dominates and then you become that which you are wanting on all scores.

- This is the issue that confounds you the most, so start with easier things first...soon in time you will reach success with your worst struggle.

- The weight struggle is like a train going 150 mph and we're asking it to STOP. It cannot. Momentum carries it forward for a while. Do your part - to just make peace and slow yourself down and give yourself relief with affirmations, self love, self comfort, etc...

- The new way to evaluate yourself is not "I am thinner, so i am better." It is: "I feel BETTER, so i am on my way"

xoxo michelle joy

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