And you don't have to do 100%, you don't have to do 90%, you don't have to do 80%. If you could even get around 55% feeling better, than not feeling so good — you'd have significant movement in what begins to happen in your experience.
--- Abraham www.abraham-hicks.com
Last night, I was watching an episode of The Stranger Series called "The Prodigal Son." It was so sad, so inspiring. It really hit home, and after the show was over, with tears in my eyes, I asked God in prayer, "Do you really see me? What special thing was i born for?"
The Stranger series is a christian ministry series shown over christian television created by actor/director Jefferson Moore. He plays Jesus in modern day life and each episode depicts a historical biblical story translated into modern day. I've come across two of these episodes so far just flipping channels, and they are incredibly poignant and moving, so much so that i've been absolutely transfixed. I so desire to be closer to God, but so struggle with faith, doubt, etc...
These amazing modern day depictions really get down to the nitty gritty of what Jesus teaches in language I can understand, and the stories demonstrate so well the ridiculous things we do and say, how we behave, how we reject God's love and forgiveness on a daily basis. Jefferson Moore's Jesus teaches that we could never buy God's love with good deeds, and that He is always ready to forgive us and welcome us back with open arms.
The Stranger Series - "The Prodigal Son" - Part I http://youtu.be/LatjSRNIKWw
The Stranger Series - "The Prodigal Son" - Part II http://youtu.be/n8KfXpC6xN4
After the show was over, I turned the tv volume down and just sat there contemplating the message. My prayer to God for my purpose soon led way to a sudden desire to sing! When it comes over me like that, it is the most wonderful feeling - a feeling of a deep NEED to communicate and release. Soon I release all of this amazing beauty inside of me.
And then I say to myself, "Michelle, you really ARE good enough." My terrible chronic insecurity vanishes, my confidence renews. To BE good and not believe it is a curse I wish on no one.
Talent without hard work is a crime.
It's February soon, and I've been thinking about doing another Valentines Dinner at Arnold's Way, where I sing opera and love songs.
With that on my mind, I began to sing songs that would work for that night - Delilah's love serenade, My Funny Valentine, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes....
Wow, I amazed myself...I was singing so well!
It was as if my lessons with Badiene and my own endless trial/error and searching about how to sing optimally suddenly all came together in one moment. I knew what to do. It was so easy!
Or, maybe, was it that prayer to GOD???
All i know is, i was the best ME i could be right then and it was startling. Gone were the questions about how to breath or how to place my high palate or my tongue.
I'd quite simply discovered the secret to singing for myself, the connection to God and the way I need to use my body, and it was like God was showing me my purpose, what i could be, what I should be - the professional opera singer. Every professional I sing for knows it. It's just ME that constantly doubts myself. "I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough."
"I can sing, "Norma!"!" (an opera that not many CAN sing.)
Badiene IS right, afterall. I AM that good. I COULD BE THAT GOOD.
Suddenly whatever I had just overeaten...just kind of lost it's twisted importance to my eating disorder distorted mind.
In a state of bliss, at one with me, at one with God, I went to bed happy and content and feeling my value.
I was born again!
When a nightengale sings as she knows she can, and stops acting like a crow, suddenly, she knows who she is and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I'd asked God what i was made for and He let me know. The rare beaty of that transaction filled me with a knowing deep within. "This is going to be the best year of my life...if I let it."
That morning, I'd received the Abraham message (above) that said if we could just feel 55% better, 55% happy, at peace, enjoying what we're doing....instead of feeling miserable and horrible, that's all we need. Just to feel a little better than we feel badly.
Wow, that really woke me up.
It doesn't take us feeling blissful 100% of the time, just a little more that we feel bad!
I SO must be an insane perfectionistic because i don't allow myself most of the time to even contemplate feeling good or happy or to enjoy myself. I'm usually in a remorseful sour mood because I've overeaten something or feel fat or gained weight, so I'm always punishing myself, always. I can never get off of the merry-go-round of feeling bad.
Some people enjoy life and live life to the fullest. Some people destroy their lives and wallow in self pity.
With my ever increasing waistline, I'm destroying myself, all the time trying to figure out HOW to enjoy my life! I fail so often. And keep gaining weight.
Yet, with each pound I gain, it seems I gain the awareness I'll need to pull me OUT of this.
If i can only enjoy 5% more than i fail, i can start to see progress!
I don't have to be perfect, just a little better than horrible.
Suddenly, this morning, today, with all of this on my mind and in my heart from yesterday, I awoke with the sunniest disposition! It felt like it was the day for a new change. Instead of "going on a diet," how superficial, no wonder it never works, I decided, simply, to enjoy myself, enjoy my time, enjoy my day and let the food take care of itself, try to eat when i'm hungry and not when i'm not.
Enjoying my time this morning has created a morning where i did dishes, cleaned the microwave and counters, made filling for a pie, sang amazingly again and practiced, made work related calls that i'm doing for my teacher, answered emails, etc... In other words, very PRODUCTIVE. Happily productive. Not binge eating, not overeating, not even eating at all because I was too busy enjoying myself! And when i ate, I wanted healthy stuff! I guess it was because i was in vibrational alignment with the best me :-))
This is how normal happy people live. They enjoy life. They use their time well and enjoy themselves! I promise, when i work myself out of this eating disorder/obesity and have a happy productive life, i am going to share this secret with the world, in a book, with anyone i can! I know i am not the only person in the world living in the misery of binge eating and obesity...
Binge eating makes my life small. It's a small life of food, tv, food, tv. There is this nice show on tv hosted by Ali Vincent, the first winner of The Biggest Loser, called "Ali's Big Life". When we take the focus off of food, suddenly the world is BIG and full of possibilties, challenges, exciting adventures. Why would we ever want to have a small life? Big waistline, small life - reduced opportunities. Small waistline - big life - opera, travel, auditions, success!
I guess we don't think we deserve any better.
But we do! We SO desserve better! We are beautiful children of God with miraculous talents that he created for us to use for a special purpose! We SO deserve better! The body is a temple of God. When we finally get in alignment with loving Him, we love ourselves, we love our bodies....
The Abraham message really really made an impact on me - just to do what makes me feel happy. I remembered when i turned on the tv this morning. I realized soon not finding anything interesting, i was bored. "Do something unboring," I said! And i did.
Later, I had the impulse to binge. Instead I did something I enjoy - I COOKED up some lentils and some quinoa.
I'll EAT it......LATER.
I replaced the FUN of eating with the FUN of COOKING. It's creative and a lot less calories! It's the eating that can turn ugly when it stops becoming enjoyable, when I am out of "vibrational harmony" with myself and it turns into miserable compulsion.
It often seems that extra food makes me happy.
"How much of my day am I happy, glad, eager, fulfilled, satisfied, complimentary? And what percentage of my day am I ornery, irritated, frustrated, or blaming?"
xoxoxo Michelle Joy