Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Good Morning,

I'm drinking a banana, strawberry, durian smoothie right now. Wow, astringent and oniony from the durian, and creamy. An interesting shake! No agave. Not that sweet. But okay, differnt!

Cliff hated the durian yesterday! When we first tried it YEARS ago, he LOVED it and i DESPISED it! Now i love it's strangeness. I froze the leftovers!

I had such an amazing day yesterday. Not with food, with singing! All of the writing i did the other day on my need to practice more really sunk in and wow, did it make a difference! I had the BEST practice of my LIFE!

To preserve what i did, so i can do it AGAIN, and AGAIN, and AGAIN, I wrote down all of the self-directions I could think of that I was using that my new teacher is teaching me and implemented them as I sang to Sondra Rodvanofky's new Verdi CD. Everything came together and i know it's disgusting when I brag, because I can't always follow through and have those kind of repeat performances, but I think i sang BETTER than Sondra...who now stars at the MET! Her rendition of "Pace, pace" from Verdi's La Forza del Destino sucks! Mine is going to blow hers out of the water!

My fears of being able to follow through have deeep roots in lack of self trust and lack of self confidence. But since I made a very sincere promise to myself to practice more, daily, I feel like.... no, i KNOW i won't lose my way as much. I feel a new confidence. I feel fucking fabulous!

They say 'practice makes perfect'. Cliff, my piano teacher fiance'-hubby, is fond of saying "PERFECT practice makes perfect." Is that ever true. The amount of FOCUS needed yesterday to keep my perfect optimal singing posture constant was SOMETHING. It takes a LOT of focus to reign myself in and STOP myself from being out of control (swaying, not breathing deeply, my neck pushing forward, holding tension in my jaw, not starting the tone on the breath, etc...). In controlling all of the crucial elements that bring my voice to it's optimal state, I'm suddenly FREE to do whatever i want: diminuendo, crescendo, piannissimo, forte, fioritore and runs. What a lesson. CONTROL for FREEDOM.

Hm. Sound familiar?

I even sang for Cliff and he flashed his eyes at me everytime i seemed to break from my correct posture. It was a good support. Earlier i did it myself without him and later. But, he was amazed and said i sounded like I was professional. You know what? Soooo many professionals in the opera world have TOLD me I have the voice for it. But, what was standing in my way? ME.

"The only thing standing in the way of you is yourself." Toma to Nina...from The Black Swan

Cliff and I both shared that this is the exact reason we are both so frustrated with me and frustrated with what I DO myself with food. Because we KNOW I can do it. I can BE professional level. I am professional level. If i learn to control myself.

Affirmation: "I am learning to control myself."

A peace that surpassed all understanding washed over me yesterday after all of the singing that finally met my potential. Isn't that what they say about Jesus? ..."a piece that surpasses all understanding..." That's what it felt like. Being born again.

It was like I said "hello" to the black swan. "I knew you were there all along."

But i can't kill myself in the process of getting there.

Thus, the renewed desire to go in the direction of raw. I'm afraid to say committment lest i fail...again.

But, i really want to get back on track.

Suddenly, this big bloated ever-growing body doesn't serve this amazing voice anymore. To do auditions, to go to LA in May for the Classical Singer Convention, I have to look my best because I am the best! Haha! How's that for confidence!

Smoothies will get me there. Not big bowls of pasta with cheese and butter and popcorn with 3 Tbsp of butter drizzled over.

Fun. Delicious. Decadent. Illegal.

But look at me, afterwards.

I wish the fun "activity" of eating didn't leave me fatter. I just love to eat, the sensual pleasure of it.

Oh, well!!!!

Here's when the artistic sacrifice comes into play. You wanna play, you gotta pay. SACRIFICE.
If i can learn to control my voice, i can learn to control my EATING.

In the quiet knowingness i awoke with today, it was almost as if i had had a GOOD food day yesterday, which i did not. The guilt, remorse, feelings of disgust and self hatred had vanished. But why? My evening binge consisted of 1 fake bologna sandwhich with mayo and cheese, 1 box of fake chicken nuggets and 1/2 lb of pasta with cheese and butter sauce, 1 muffin and some macaroni and cheese. Yet, i awoke today feeling "reborn." It was as if it didn't matter. I was FREE. I was ME. I'm the SWAN.

Now, i just have to act like it, daily, and everyone ELSE will recognize her, too.

Control my eating and control my voice.

Suddenly, i feel very empowered!!!!

"You place too much emphasis on a teacher," Cliff noticed. "You just have to WORK."

I've always been AFRAID of work. "I can't do it!" Suddenly, "working" doesn't seem so scary. I have my list of what i need to remind myself of each time i practice. "I can DO it." I did it yesterday! I did it already this morning! Now just don't stop!!!

I can be the ME I always wanted to be. And if I can do it? Fuck, ANYBODY CAN.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Debbie said...

Michelle, where are you??