Back on raw again. Yay :-))
Last i wrote, I had a solid 7 days raw.
Then things quickly unraveled.
SHORT ANSWER OF WHY I FELL OFF
I was at my mothers, with not much interesting raw food to eat and was in alot of emotional pain. My mother was getting ready for ANOTHER surgery. I looked at myself in the mirror judgementally, seeing only fat and not my 7 days of success. I opened the fridge and bagels stared at me. The short answer is: I made the decision to emotionally eat and the binge didn't stop until a few days ago.
What was going on, you ask?
LONG ANSWER OF WHY I FELL OFF
The shortest answer is: I'm a food addict. But the long answer is....my Mom's constant barrage of illnesses have been overtaxing and stressing me out beyond belief. Much of the last two years has been dedicated to caring for her.
MOM UPDATE: Mom has been in and out of the hospital at least 9 times in the last 3-4 months. It's been an extraordinarily stressful time for my mother, and for me.
My mother had been taking high doses of pain killers for YEARS for a chronic back issue (a peice of bone broke off in her spine due to Osteoporosis 15 years ago), and after many failed procedures and surgeries, high doses of Oxycontin and Morphine were the only thing that relieved the chronic back pain. Finally, her body could take the high doses of narcotics no more.
Having recovered from the stomach surgery i talked about here extensively (was that last year or two years ago? So hard to keep track of), she suddenly began to experience spells of unconsciousness, recurring pnemonia, a heart attack, a stroke, and finally lost her memory completely. The doctors attributed all of these to the long term narcotics.
Prior to the next to last hospitalization, moms memory and cognition had deteriorated so, she was trying to go to the bathroom in the kitchen corner. It was awful, to say the least.
She was taken off of all of her pain killers and after a long hospitalization and rehab, she is recovering her memory a little daily.
To say it has been, and continues to be a challenging stressful time with my mothers never-ending illnesses is an understatement. I have buckled under the pressure. Stress shows with me in my eating, binge eating and in weight gain. Weight gain caused self hatred (a choice). Self hatred causes binge eating. It's a vicious circle.
On top of all of this, Mom only began to make serious improvement in her brain function, when it was discovered that the tremendous pain in her knee was a miniscus torn in two areas.
Believe me, through all of this, i have fought for natural means of healing to no avail.
So, my mom was in constant pain, getting ready for surgery, (which she subsequently had), when i lost it to bagels. Emotionally, i couldn't take it anymore. ANOTHER SURGERY? ONE THAT I AM AGAINST? That started a bagel binge that turned into hamburgers and hoagies that didn't end until 3 days ago.
ALone with food, I retreated. I hid out. I went home. Needed time AWAY from mom. I watched TV. I layed in bed. I ate.
_ _ _
A NEW DAY THANKS TO VAL
Things all conspired to come together to show me it was time to get back on raw. It's amazing how God works.
Out of the blue, Val got in touch. We're both former raw people who gained back LOTS of weight on cooked. Gratitude washed over me. God really DOES work on our behalf.
Having Val come back in to my life as a support made it so much easier to say " it's time to get back under control."
"Does cooked food CAUSE binge eating or does my reaction to my EMOTIONS cause binge eating?"
This is always the eternal question for me, and i'm working on finding an answer.
Yes, If RAW and IN CONTROL are the same, i am still not sure, but going back to raw was a way of saying I'm ready to take control. Actually, on the other side, I count myself very blessed to have this amazing secret of raw and it's amazing ability to rubberband-snap one back into alignment VERY quickly.
However distressing, the idea to eat cooked in moderation still haunts me, and I am not sure if it haunts me because it is an impossibility, .........or because it is very much a possibility that i have just yet to achieve. -The variable is my attitude/state of mind/heart with which i take to the food.
Cooked food eaten in a fearless, loving, non compulsive state does not need to lead to a binge. I've had many episodes where it did not.
However, with a big "H," because of my tremendous addictions to food for comfort, cooked is dangerous territory which needs to be monitored and controlled tightly, if not cut out all together.
Too, one cannot forget the tremendous physical, spiritual, emotional benefits that come with raw, a huge one simply being that raw cuts out almost all former binge foods. Raw IS by nature, a serious deterrant to binge eating.
An admission - This morning, i had a cooked incident. I had just been cooking for Cliff and did indeed decide to have small portions of some vegetarian items i cooked him, rationalizing that I was calm and not being compulsive. I am however, (as we speak), fending off fearful eating disorder thoughts afterwards, and in doing so, i hope I can thusly, avert a binge. So far so good. The more my attitude is of: It is done and over with, the better. I acknowledge that the less and less I emotionally react to what i've just eaten, the more easily a binge will be averted.
And i also acknowledge that the more and more i keep cooked food to an absolute minimum, the better.
I'm excited to go to work at Arnold's Way again today because i get to experience my third day of eating raw! We can forget about this morning. I don't need to go down with the ship. I watched over the last days as my puffiness dissipated, my swelling went down, my feet began to hurt less, and I gained energy.
My new goal is 21 days of raw. Any kind of raw. High fat, low fat, high salt.
With all of the stress in my life right now, it is difficult to stick to tasteless lowfat raw.
MY MOTTO TODAY:
Success is failing a million times without ever losing your enthusiasm.
Fall down? Get right back up.
_ _ _ _ _ _
A fun story of "manifestation"
15 years ago during my first visit to Optimum Health Institute (OHI), there was this guy who worked at OHI, let's call him Steven. When i first saw him, i was like, "va va va voom." Tall, dark, handsome. I was IN LOVE IN LOVE IN LOVE..... The only problem was, he never noticed ME.
Built like magnum P.I., muscles, flat belly, pecs for days, dark hairy chest, dark hair, 6foot2, so attractive, tall suntanned drink of water. He walked around daily with no shirt, just shorts and flip flops, flaunting his good looks and hairy pecs, shiny from sweat, from yoga, with his dark tauny sunkissed skin from the San Diego hot sun, all of that chest hair waving in the sun. He eminated sex. Phermones were, like, wafting off of him over to me, daily. God, I wanted to dive into that hairy nest, nuzzling my face in his chest. I fantacized about him daily and tried to draw his attention whenever I saw him. To no avail. Woe is me.
As luck would have it, at the end of that OHI visit, we ended up at a potluck together in San Diego. Now was my chance! Sitting NEXT TO EACH OTHER on the beach eating raw food in a group of others, we chatted. I batted my eyelashes and he showed zero interest in me. I was crushed.
Utterly dejected, my girlfriend, Maryann, later told me she was having an affair with him.
Yesterday, this customer comes into Arnold's Way. He's traveling through to NY by way of New Mexico. Says he knows Arnold from when he used to work with David Wolff at Nature's First Law. He's 6foot2, grey, bald, heavyset, doughey, just a shlubby heavyset guy, not particularly attractive, wearing a ballcap and a hunting shirt, and a belly overflowing his pants. He comes up to order some food from me and something in his eyes pierced me but i didn't put 2 + 2 together. I'm making his food and I needed to ask him if he wanted ginger in his Gaspacho. "Arnold," I whispered. "Did you get his name, the heavyset shlubby guy?" Arnold remembered. "Steven," he answers.
STEVEN! Those eyes.
I look over at him, searched through the grey, searched through the fat....
IT was HIM!
Almost unrecognizable, I introduced myself that I knew him from OHI, he was so pleased, he didn't recognize me, but we reminisced, chatted about Maryann, the one he'd had a fling with, chatted and chatted. Then the furthest thing from my mind happened.
He invites me to sit with him. Studying me closely, he says, "You are so lovely."
bright red cheeks....
The guys come ons get stronger and stronger. He spent the entire afternoon at Arnold's Way flirting with ME! He stroked my arm and blew me kisses, whispering, "I want you. Come with me to NYC. Come outside with me now in the bushes..."
WAs i dreaming???? What kind of Twilight Zone episode was i in???
My former-fantasy (who is not so much of a fantasy anymore) now wants ME!!!!!!
He asked me to make out with him in the bathroom.
I had to laugh at the incredulousness of this bizarre event.
Had i manifested this?????
I said to him, incredulous, "What, do you like fat girls?"
"No," he said, "I like YOU!"
Very nice. Very nice ego boost. Certainly helped to have me walking on air for the rest of the day.
Alas, however, I had to let him down. "I'm engaged. I love Cliff."
I was probably only the flavor of the day anyway on his way passing through Lansdale. I joked, "I'm the hottest thing at Arnold's Way on a Friday afternoon, I guess!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY OF STEVEN FOR ME
Steven had been raw 6.5 years and fell off and gained weight. It's almost as simple as 1+1=2. Eat raw. Lose weight. Eat cooked. Gain weight. It's my story. It's Val's story. It's Steven's story.
He admitted, grimacing, "Now i've been eating pasta and bread and grilled cheese." Patting his belly, he explained, "It all started in Europe. i started to eat a little cooked and before you know it...."
From my own personal story of 'getting gorgeous'-to fatty fat fat again, I SO related to his drastically changed appearance with much sympathy/empthay..... Seeing him was actually a very poetic wake up call. I said to God, 'Thank you, Lord, for bringing me Steven. It shows weight gain can happen to the best of us, even to guys who look like Tom Selleck on raw, and end up John Goodman, on cooked. I'm an addict like him."
(That was before the potatoes this morning, but if i make it through this day raw and not let this morning color my here-to-for success, today will be a success).
If i could do this for HIM, why couldn't i do this.....for ME?! I'm a hottie stuck inside of a fat body, that's all! Who says I'm not every bit as sexy and hot as he seemed to think I was? Steven certainly hadn't turned off his sexuality or pursual of women...just because he gained weight and went bald. Why should I turn off MY sexy???? Why should i turn to SHAME and SELF HATRED when looking at myself? Why couldn't i see myself as I saw Steven...a GORGEOUS guy who could be gorgeous again...with a little work...that's it!
JAN RETURNS TO HER HOT SELF
I wrote to Jan who just embarked on a new diet plan, I'm so happy for her. I wrote, "YOU were hot sexy bodatious "Jan, the dancer" at your thinnest, and believe me, i KNOW how sexy you were, because i know how sexy you ARE now at your current weight....so i totally have that picture of that girl with her voluptuous womanly curves...in her strappy sandles dancing in my head, jumping all around to Israeli folk dancing... You seemd to be, from what i hear, your fullest expression of YOU, the entire beauty of you, fully, joyously mobile, hiking, dancing, lovemaking, etc...then. This identity is still very much inside of you just waiting to EXPLODE out of you. Where you are now is on your way BACK to her. I totally KNOW that. Like all of the illnesses and immobility was a painful pitstop." I wrote further, "Jan, you will make it back. You just have to WANT it. Everyday you and i BOTH have to wake up and ask, 'what do i want?' and answer with: "Our perfect weight. Lovemaking. Dancing. Mobility. Travel. Adventure. Romance. In control food. Sexy curvy bodies! Freedom. Health. Wealth."
Steven will turn into Magnum P.I. again if he gets back on track..... Just like i will get my thinner sexy body back if i stay on track. Just like Jan will be "Jan the dancing queen" very soon! (Just like you will do, too!)
But only if we WANT it. We have to WANT it.
This is the biggest realization of all: We all have the prom king/queen within us."
It was an amazing realization.
See yourself as you want to be...and you WILL get there. Me too.
What an amazing karmic table turn.
A BEAUTIFUL MOVIE - A MUST SEE
Have you seen the movie "Young Adult," with Charlize Theron? Extraordinary.
Plot in a nutshell - The overweight High School Geek who is now crippled - actually makes it with the Prom Queen, 20 years later.
Who woulda thunk it? Well, HE must have! They'd shared lockers next to each other, and i guarantee that everyday of High School, he'd dreamed about her.
20 years later, it finally happened.
I think we DO get what we dream about. Manifestation is real.
If i can bring back an old fantasy who now wanted ME, i can bring back my old body...!
And so can YOU!
If you can DREAM it, you can ACHIEVE it.