STARVING THIS MORNING! STUFFED THIS EVENING!

Hiya, Hiya, Hiya!!!

I woke up SOOO hungry! That makes me SOOOO happy! Cause i get to EATTTT and ENJOYYYYY! And enjoying FOOD is probably my favorite thing in the world to dooooo! Only now, i get to do it guilt free, eating between the bounds of hunger / satisfaction anything i want, waiting until i'm very hungry to eat, praying over all of my food and asking for God's guidance throughout the day, and incorporating HIGH RAW. I can't tell you how FREE i feel!

To treat myself and feed this hunger this morning, I'm planning on whipping up one of my FAVORITE raw shakes - it is SOOO rich and creamy and decadant! Cliffy LOVES this one! Can anyone say CHOCOLATE?? I'm so hungry and 2 days in a row we had GREEN smoothies, so i feel like something especially SPECIAL this fine morning!

MICHELLE'S FAVORITE RAW CHOCOLATE SMOOTHIE
In a vitamix, add and whir until blended:
6-8 Frozen bananas, cut up
some berries (raspberries and strawberries)
2 Tbsp of hemp seed
4 Tbsp or more of raw cacao powder
2 tsp of vanilla extract, or 1tsp vanilla powder (even better)
A tiny tiny sprinkle of himalayan sea salt
A few dates or a few Tbsp of agave or raw honey
1-3 cups or more of filtered water - more water thinner shake, less water thicker shake!
extra decadence: a handful of coconut
Blend until creamy and smooth. Enjoy!


EXCITED FOR THE DAY AHEAD
I'm excited to go to work today! It's been over a week and a half of eating like I have been (intuitive plus raw wisdom) and the results are amazing. I lost weight and feel great! I fit into my clothes better, into the CAR easier, into the TUB better, and into the patio CHAIR again! The difference is astounding. Night and day!

This is working!

_ _ _

The agony of defeat... BACK AT HOME AFTER WORK
Oh, man, I didn't have a good food evening. And I was so excited and hopeful this morning...

Sometimes we make bad choices in the heat of the moment and go downhill when we were on such an uphill. I pray to turn it around...immediately, no looking back...no regrets, no beating myself up. Just forgiveness and love.

I worked at Arnold's all day. I didn't have a plan of how to deal with the food there today and left feeling somewhat out of control, discouraged, and in pain.

My feet were absolutely killing me. They'd been tired to begin with. I'd been on my feet all day Tuesday cooking for Passover. And with my toe still broken, my feet are a mess. This really upset me.

I also felt discouraged because I ate from the dehydrator instead of praying over it and sitting down.

And because i ate some very salty food and my body reacts to more-salt-than-usual pretty violently. I didn't use the bathroom but once the entire day, even though i drank a giant bottle of water. (Even my mother knows how sensitive to salt I am.) I have to be VERY careful and I indulged freely, which for my body, can spell disaster.

I found it difficult to stay on track with the new way of eating at work, being surrounded by food. I ate probably an amount that would have maintained my weight, instead of lost me weight. Not a HUGE deal.

But, because of the water retention, I may have gained.

Jesus, Listen to me. This is all so ridiculous to write about because water retention is temporary and so are aching feet.

It just goes to show me the INSANITY of a love affair with food. I was discouraged over aching feet. Discouraged I'd overeaten. Discouraged I'd eaten too much salty stuff. Discouraged i was retaining water. I had a binge after work. My first in almost 2 weeks.

You know what? I don't have a food problem. I have a HEART problem. I don't know yet who to turn to for comfort.

It really snuck up on me, but I shoulda seen it coming. (I caught it the other night BEFORE it started.) Tonight, i allowed it to happen. I heard myself, on the car drive home, tell myself that a nice icecream custard would make my feet feel better.

I opted for a movie instead. But couldn't find an appealing one in the kiosk. So, i walked in the market and got some sushi.

Was i hungry? NO.

I wanted comfort.

I gave myself ABUSE instead. Food abuse is abuse, it's not comfort. Do i feel comforted now? NO. I have reflux. I'm still so full. And I probably gained 1o lbs.

Where do we get comfort from?

God.

Friends.

Loved ones.

A good cry.

A hot bath.

A good movie.

Food makes me fatter, gives me reflux, makes me MORE bloated and hold MORE water, makes me depressed and feel out of control, hopeless.

Food is abuse, not love.

Yet, turning to food...is so ingrained.

_ _ _

Raw Lunch: 2 slices raw bread, veggies, tomato sauce, thai sauce, 1/2 raw burger

Raw Snack: raw kale salad straight from the dehydrator. I was hungry at least, and i did stop when i was no longer hungry.

Binge:
2 containers of sushi from the market
1 slice of pizza and 1 garlic roll with tomato sauce from the pizza place
1 large custard with jimmies from Ritas in the car
1/2 peice of gefilte fish, some leftover omelette, mashed potatoes and asparagus at home.

I pray to seek more loving ways to comfort myself.

_ _ _ _

ARTISTIC ENERGY FLOW
After breakfast this morning, i did notice i was experiencing quite a bit of fear. I have a gig on Saturday and I'd love it if i could sing brilliantly. When we are not eating emotionally, we are open to feelings, both good and bad. I'd awoken so chipper, so happy, so looking forward to a fabulous shake for breakfast (which i thoroughly enjoyed a normal sized portion of). I sat down and realized i was really worried about Saturday's singing performance. I need to practice if i want to feel super confident. I need to go over what I'll say, how i'll introduce the songs and I need to go over my french and spanish for the foreign numbers. I was feeling quite anxious. But it was time to go to work. On my way to work in the car, i called Cliff and cried a little about being nervous. I did feel a little better afterwards.

On Wed night at my rehearsal, I had felt such a free flow of energy through myself it was astounding. I literally never sang better. Nothing was stopped up like it usually is. I was singing on the breath, supporting, relaxing my jaw. It flowed effortlessly (by using correct technique there is effort, but it is effortless effort). I sang 3 brilliant high c's.

I'd remarked to myself this morning how the success I've been having with my diet is parallelling my new success i'm having with my voice. I'm free and easy with food, so i'm free and easy with my voice. I follow the correct discipline with my eating and am finding the correct discipline with my voice, finally.

(I remember on the 35day banana thing, i sang horribly. Rigidity begets rigidity.)

_ _ _ _

Now i'm worried that since i binged, i'll have reflux for Saturday and won't be able to sing well. I also am singing for Easter Sunday.

I pray, "Dear Lord. Make me a channel of your peace, please make me a channel of your beauty. Give me the strength to turn to You for comfort. To turn to You when i am in fear. Your peace, love, comfort is real and lasting. The comfort of extra food may make me forget my feet hurt and may make me numb to fear, but it clogs my channels, makes me physically and spiritually ill. You bring clear channels and free flow of energy and love and singing! Lord, You have given me a special voice. Please help me to be disciplined with food, so that my body and my voice might glorify You. Please help me to be obedient to the hunger/fullness signals you gave to me. Thy will be done. Amen."

_ _ _

So, i spent an evening eating and laying afterwards when i could have been practicing and readying myself for the concert and for Easter.

Extra food appears to offer comfort like a friend, but it is my enemy. It ruins my voice and my body.

I can turn this around, starting....right NOW.

xoxo michelle joy