OVERCOMING FALSE GUILT...AND LEARNING TO TRUST

Good morning,

I woke up hungry this morning, yay! My early morning hunger was a wonderful conformation that i did well yesterday!

I was concerned. I felt guilty after the Sedar, that i had overeaten.

But i stopped when the sigh came (I've learned a sigh can be a signal that you are satisfied) and when the flavors diminished drastically. So, what did i do wrong? Why was I able to take in a larger volume for dinner, with no sigh until i was almost done my plate, when every other night, i ate so much less before the sigh came?

It dawned on me. Because i worked my butt off yesterday, all day on my feet, cooking, organizing, laying the table out, etc, etc, to get ready for the Sedar. I must have burned calories...and was hungrier! Up until then, i'd be recouping from my broken toe, laying most of the day in bed. So, I needed less food.

The less you MOVE, the less you NEED. The more you move, the more you need.

This understanding didn't come to me until this morning.

I think as i go along this journey, i'll get wiser and wiser and smarter and smarter and I'll be able to analyze the reality of situations much quicker. I was really feeling frightened and guilty and after the company left, i was having binge thoughts. I really thought i fucked up.

I prayed to God. "God, WHY am i thinking of food? You know...I'm feeling guilty. Like i did something wrong and it's making me wanna eat. But i know i'm not hungry. So, why am i feeling guilty and why do i wanna eat over it??? I didn't overeat. I stopped as soon as the sigh came, signaling i'd had enough."

I talk to God like my best friend.

I sat with it and luckily didn't react and go eat.

You know, these were the first "food thoughts" i'd had in well over a week!

Feeling guilt-ridden and frightened i'd eaten too much volume, I wanted to punish myself...by eating more! Aren't we crazy, us foodies? Eat more because you think you ate too much. THAT makes a lot of sense! I was imagining myself dipping into the rich and creamy leftover mashed potatoes when no one was in the kitchen and the coast was clear.

But, then i shook my head in rejection of the binge thoughts (distorted thinking), "No, Michelle you don't NEED to do that anymore. You can HAVE potatoes tomorrow if you want. You gave up dieting. And so what, if you DID overeat, just get over it. Don't make the damage worse by BINGE eating on top of THAT!"

It felt like the right decision. I went to bed.

Piddling around this morning soon after waking up, i realized I was hungry.

Victory! If i was hungry first thing in the morning, i KNEW i didn't overeat last night. My body had directed me last night to eat as much as it needed, and I followed it's directions. It digested all night, and awoke needing food again! What a wonderful feeling of success! And what a wonderful way to live! I get to eat all of the time this way! And ENJOY it, to boot! (And lose weight!!!!!!) (In one week, I fit comfortably again in the patio chair, where last week, i was squoze in tight and in pain. AMAZING VICTORY!)

YES, i can trust my self.

YES, i can trust my body.

YES, i can trust myself with food.

My eating disorder is dying. Soon, it will be dead and buried.

I can chalk last night's dinner up to another successful meal when I ate only what i was truly hungry for...and nothing more. Compulsive eater? Not anymore.

I am going to get thin this way. I am SANE about food. FINALLY. I am sooo happy about that. ELATED is a better way to put it!

AND, even though i'm eating cooked, i still keep turning to raw, again and again and again. Cooked is not consuming me.

For the first time EVER, I get to say. I'm in control. Not the food.

My head KNOWS that raw is the healthiest, but my HEART needs the PERMISSION to love cooked food now, in order to heal this binge eating disorder I've suffered from since I was....probably 10 years old.

No more hiding. No more secret eating. I accept myself and my desires today.

I ask for your acceptance, support, prayers, comments and emails. I'd love to hear from you! It really helps me to keep motivated.

WEDNESDAY, April 20, 2011
BREAKFAST: 4 oranges, 2.5 glasses green smoothie (kale, banana, grapes)

LUNCH: 1 peice gefilte fish, horshradish, 1 peice of matzoh

DINNER: Raw dinner! 1 nori wrap with leftover salad in it (lettuce, carrot, mushroom, tomato, etc.) and about 1/4 cup of leftover raw veggie-almond pate'. 1 stuffed date and hot tea with raw honey in it and a little soy milk (not raw)

SNACK: 2 apples

xoxo michelle joy