GRACE and SURRENDER vs. EFFORT and FORCE

Hi there,

I think I understand how to work around the problem with the blog posting in one giant paragraph... I think it's okay today.

The past two weeks, i worked almost every day at Arnold's Way while Arnold was away on vacation, so it was a busy, busy 2 weeks...non-stop!!!!

I've been doing SO well with my binge eating. No binges in a week or more.

The reiki session I had with Jahn, i think, helped to remove some negative energy, and there is another energy worker across the hall from Arnold's Way, Al Rieth, who worked his magic on me for a few minutes this week, as well. Either it's the "placebo" and mind over matter...or that shit really works! OR...just knowing that people CARE and are SUPPORTING me and wanting me to get better and are routing for me is spurning me on.

Also, with the Marianne Williamson book, "A Course in Weightloss," i've come to a new place of GRACE with my food. Sure, we've had a certain outline for what we do at home from what we learned from Anna-Inez, - smoothies for bkfast and snacks, and food combining lunch and dinner, and at work in the raw cafe', i try to drink alot of smoothies, and then eat one meal cooked, either at home or out, because with all of the binge eating on restaurant food, i figured, 'Hell, Michelle, if what you WANT is restaurant food because you ALWAYS binge on it, you might as well go with the flow and EAT it as a meal...and for God's sake, learn to ENJOY it." I figured it would diminish binge eating...and it has!

And when I eat out, I allow myself 'whatever i want.' Williamson says in her book that ONLY GOD will change our desires...that we are POWERLESS to change our desires...so, EAT what you WANT....but TRUST in God that He will transform you. This new perspective frees me from the feeling that i have to constantly control myself. And curiously, in NOT controlling myself, something else is! When i look at a menu now, i ask myself, "what do you want?" Since i know certain foods bloat me, miraculously, i've been given the clarity and DESIRE to avoid them. Take for instance the other night at the Thai place. I could have gotten the soup. I enjoyed it two nights in a row. But it bloated me. Suddenly, the desire to not be bloated was forefront in my mind and i chose the noodles without the soup. Sounds like not a big deal, but for a person who is USED TO FOLLOWING DIET PLANS - or - binge eating out of control, to be LISTENING TO MYSELF or MY HIGHER SELF bueyed by God's love - and to be able to make saner CHOICES for myself....is HUGE!

So, with this new grace leading me, 'whatever i want' turns out to be pretty good choices, like last night, a salad and Wendy's baked potatoes for dinner. Or salmon and quinoa for lunch today.

Somehow the compulsion and fear around food have seriously dissapated, and something (or Someone) (God) has definitely taken hold of me and is in charge, and it's not compulsion, it's common sense, it's the small voice...it's the higher self...the intuition. Whatever it is, it feels freeing, and I feel "normal" eating and choosing food and afterwards I feel GUILT-FREE (guilt always prompts binge eating).

What i've been marveling at lately is the difference between working hard/effort/force/trying like i've done all my life when it comes to food/diet/exercise vs. the amazing GRACE as a result of surrendering to God.

I feel at peace with food today. Thank you God. I just know things will continue to get better and better!

Now, that said, my weight and physical self are a different story. Physically, i feel like shit. And i'm taking notice of that. Does everything hurt when i eat cooked? Do i feel better on raw? My knees hurt, my back hurts. Everything hurts.

Also, I've not been working out in 2 weeks with all of the raw food work. Exercise was making me feel SO MUCH BETTER. With the next few days off, i'm soooo looking forward to turning the fitness back around.

And my weight is 353 this morning. That really upset me when i saw that. I'm still 100+ lbs above my lowest recent weight as a LOWfAT RAW VEGAN 249lbs. I acknowledge that life as a morbidly obese person again is not anywhere nearly as enjoyable as a 250 lb person. Fitting in tubs and cars and chairs and seats is an issue again. Walking around is harder. 100 lbs more is a lot to carry and i FEEL it.

That said, I know that if i DIET just to lose weight, i only end up binge eating again, so i feel like, 'what's the USE?' Working on Williamson's book will end the binge eating for GOOD. And then i'll be able to lose....and keep it off.

I'm trying not to REACT when i feel bad. Usually this would send me into a binge. Knees hurt? Eat.

Today, I acknowledge the incredible perplexity that one's WEIGHT, one's FITNESS level, and one's EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL/MENTAL relationship with food don't always go hand in hand. Today, i'm diong GREAT on the emotional/mental issues with food. I'm being led by grace to a place of non-compulsion. Any eating disorder therapist would say I was doing MARVELOUSLY the last week. I haven't been binge eating. I've been eating when i'm hungry. Feeling hungry again for meals is so new! I love it! When you don't binge, your body returns to natural states of hunger/fullness. I've been making choices at restaurants that might have frightened me into a binge before, but today i'm allowing myself to be okay with...and giving up the results to God to work out. For instance, eggs are a frequent binge food for me. So yesterday, i decided i would have eggs at breakfast out with Cliff. This was the first breakfast out we've had in at least 3 months. It's been exclusively smoothies for breakfast, other than when i binge at Dunkin' Donuts and get multiple egg sandwhiches. So....i had eggs for breakfast, enjoyed them, felt guiltfree, noticed my knees killing me, and had a normal dinner later on.

On one level, i'm making such miraculous improvements....NO BINGE EATING.

In another realm, i'm noticing my body feeling AWFUL.

I just KNOW that as i progress along this journey, i will come to a place where I am at peace with food, thinner, in shape, pain-free and enjoying life. I know that God will take me there if i place my trust in Him.

That said, I feel good about my new trust, pushing fear aside and embracing God to remove my compulsion. Yet, physically, i'm really bad this week. My fingers are bloated from restaurant salt. My weight is up. My knees are killing me. I've not been exercising at all with working for 2 weeks straight.

All i can say is - Rome was not built in a day.

I am hoping, trusting that someday I will be closer to my goal. I know it takes WORK (diet and exercise), but what i'm doing internally in my head and heart with food and with trusting God are WORK, too.

If i don't do this work, as Williamson teaches, i'll never get over binge eating, and then all of the hard diet/exercise work i'd do would eventually be for naught and become undone someday like happened to me this year. If i never learn to make peace with food, to turn to GOD instead of food, to conquer fear, no weight loss will HOLD.

I hope you'll support me on this journey.

xoxomichelle joy