LETTING GO OF THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE and a COUPON WORTH $7.50 at ARNOLD'S WAY!!!

Hi Folks,

Hope you are all well today!

Blessings to you if you are celebrating Good Friday today, and Easter on Sunday. With Jesus dying today and rising to life on Sunday, Eastertime reminds me that we can ALL die to sin (bad destructive habits) and allow our highest selves to rise to life. We can choose to let go of the dead things, the dead weight, the dead beliefs that no longer serve us. They have been weighing us down long enough.

Longtime PureRawJoy Follower, Glenda, writes:

Hey there Michelle,

I've been reading about your evolving into what you are to become and I think it's great.

I'm also so glad that you research things too. Weigh Down is good but, without all of the crazyiness that goes with it. I had no idea that it was so cultish. I knew that Gwen Shamblin has funny ideas about God and Jesus and all that, but to have a church mistreat people is not a good thing at all. Well, enough about that.

Michelle, I really believe that by knowing, loving and trusting ourselves, we really become who we are supposed to be.

What a long journey...from the sound of things you're well within the journey and finding hope, where there was none.

Your posts made me take another look at Weigh Down and also Jon Gabriels -The Method no diet solution. I started using his night meditations and Paul Mckenna's "I can make you Thin" morning meditations and I feel better already.

I believe that A Course in Weight Loss paved the way for me to understand that unless I started to love myself, nothing new was going to happen. I also read her book "A return to Love" and I stopped judging people and allowed them to be who they were, whether right or wrong. It was then that I realized how very opinionated I was about other people and that was where a lot of my problems were coming from. Now I release other people and let them be themselves, if I agree with them or not.
I really release all thoughts about them.

I also release myself from all things I believe people are thinking about me. I don't care anymore. I mean I've been plagued all my life thinking, I hope they like me, I hope they can see that I'm a good person, ... they must think I'm weird, or they must think I'm crazy...blah,blah, blah...so what. Like Brian Johnson from Philosphers Notes said today.."I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others...I am
beneath no one...I fearlessy approach any and all challenges in my life."

I'm almost 60 years old now, I can be a little weird, who cares. What freedom. I'm even thinking about wearing my hair in braids, that's how free I feel.

I'm really learning to love me, just as I am. I'm not too worried about the weight thingy. Since, I really believe that as i learn to love myself and others, I'll be free enough to let the weight just fall off with no effort on my part.

I feel so much more peace since I started back using the morning and evening
meditations.

I had a good food day yesterday. I only ate when I was hungry and then only wanted very little to eat. Eureka....that's success to me.

Girl, do yo thing and I'll keep praying for continued success for you.

We are finding our way out, inch by inch and little by little.

We're letting go of all the emotional baggage, which has attached itself to us during the years and finally getting free.

Glenda \i/ Praizin' Him !

What an inspiring note from Glenda! Big hugs to my dear Glenda!! Thank you for always being supportive and sharing yourself so honestly with us here. You have such heart and personality, faith and determination. I KNOW you are going to make it...and with you by my side? How could i not????

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You bring up many good points. I'd like to focus on your point about letting go of the emotional baggage and how relevent that is to our journey, in being able to put down the food.

First of all, what IS emotional baggage?? And how does it affect our ability to control our eating?
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To me, emotional baggage is old beliefs that no longer serve us. Take, for example, the belief that you're "ugly" because kids called you ugly in elementary school, and you're STILL hanging onto the belief, even though you are FAR from ugly, yet somehow, you STILL believe it, feel it, act on it.

Another example of emotional baggage is that you believe you are WEAK because you have failed on so many diets. I know today that the truth is closer to the fact that DIETING failed YOU! All of your persistence, your determination proves just how STRONG you are. Believing you're weak is dead old weight that it's time to say Buh-bye to. You are STRONG and it's high time you believed it, lived it, acted on it.

When you get RID of all of this dead weight - distorted and untrue thoughts that hold you down, you're gonna fall in love with you! And when you do, you're not gonna wanna treat yourself like SHIT anymore.

That's the power of releasing emotional baggage.

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Say, your father told you you were good for nothing.

You've spent TOO long allowing his criticism to live in your head and heart. You know BETTER today that you are SO worthy. You have a million examples of just how worthy you are. If not, start focusing on all of the positive stuff you do, and stop focing on the negative, like He did. Don't be him. It's not your legacy to hang onto his shit.

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I admit i have a long way to go, but it is amazing to me to realize just how much I have grown as a person during this journey with food.

I used to swallow alot of abuse. I used to allow alot of uncomfortable, hurtful things to happen to me, but I've become MUCH more self-loving, self-confident, sympathetic, wise, assertive (speaking up when i need to). I stand up for myself much more, and I'm working on letting go of fear, of self doubt, of insecurity. I know i'm GOOD alot more than i used to.

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I told Cliff the other day, "You know, if i had the wisdom i do today, and the body I had when i was 16? I'd be hot stuff." If that isn't true, i don't know what is.

_ _ _

I used to think i was shit, so i'd let people treat me like shit. I don't take that anymore.

Can't turn back time, but I can keep working on me. Unless I do, food will continue to be a friend.
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It's easier to see abuse when someone ELSE does it to you.

Were you abused as a child?

I was. Emotionally and physically AND sexually abused. So, i have a LOOOOONG history of people treating me like shit. I was a child when it started and i didn't know better. I couldn't defend myself.

But, i've learned something.

I learned to do it to MYSELF. I learned to ABUSE MYSELF.

With food.

Take binge eating. Don't softpedal it by calling it 'emotional eating' or 'having a sweet tooth' or being an 'overeater' or a 'compulsive eater.' Call it what it is. I have the awareness today that it is SELF ABUSE.

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It is akin to this - imagine a little baby crying and needing comfort, and a parent nearby. Parent number runs to the baby, is kind and loving, holds and cuddles the baby, coos and strokes the child, picks her up and holds her close, letting her know she has no more need to fear. The baby calms down, and eventually learns to self-comfort in a healthy way, or get comfort from others.

Parent number two is agitated, curses, takes their sweet time coming, gets annoyed and irritated and shoves cookies in the kids mouth and walks away in a huff. The child learns that their needs are unimportant and that comfort is unavailable. Cookies will have to make due. She never learns to self comfort without food. Never learns to turn to people, to God no less, when in need of loving care. This child feels badly about herself and calls herself names when she feels bad. She blows things out of proportion, reacts quickly, and can't stop eating when she simply needs love.

Which parent do YOU wanna be to your inner child???? You wanna shove the cookies in the kid's mouth, cursing, or do you wanna learn how to self comfort, self love, self parent in a healing, loving way?

I wanna learn to be the FIRST parent to myself. Don't you?

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WE have to be our own BEST FRIENDS and treat ourselves like we DESERVE to be treated.

BUT First, we have to come to the conclusion that we deserve to be treated royally, with love, respect and everything good. We have to let go of everything holding us down, so we can fly! Poor self image, poor self esteem, lack of confidence, lack of self belief, negativity, fear... It's all old crap it's time to bid farewell to.

_ _ _

FEAR is a big source of baggage for me.

I had the awareness this morning that my binge yesterday was precipitated by aLOT of FEAR.

1) I was AFRAID i wasn't going to be hungry for dinner
2) I was AFRAID i'd overeaten
3) I was AFRAID i was was bloated and wouldn't be able to sing as well on Saturday
4) I was AFRAID i'd gained weight
5) I was AFRAID i'd "have" to eat raw for dinner because i worked today
6) I was AFRAID i'd never get to eat a big portion of anything ever again
7) I was AFRAID i'd never get icecream and pizza ever again
8) I was AFRAID that unless i went in the market and bought Sushi to eat, my aching feet would NEVER feel better.
9) I was AFRAID i was a sinner and would always be one
10) I was AFRAID i could never stop binge eating

Fear is old baggage I'd like to release on this opportunity of Easter. I refute each item on the list. I will get hungry again. So what if i overate. So what if i got bloated, i can get unbloated, drink more water. I will sing beautifully if i believe i deserve to. So what if i gained weight, i can ungain it. Who cares what i eat as long as i eat it with self love. Who says i can't eat big portions if i choose to? Who says i can't eat pizza and custard if i want it. Just eat it with love. Wait until I get hungry, at least. Rest your feet, Michelle, when they feel bad, or dip them in hot water. Don't give up so easily on yourself. You WILL stop binge eating because i believe in you. We're all sinners. We can only do the BEST we can for today..!

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As we mull over letting go of emotional baggage, let's identify our personal emotional baggages.

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)

Now, let's think about turning them all over to God or a Higher Power. There is great power in identifying what is holding us down. God will help clear it away, so that we can rise above it, and begin to treat ourselves well. We will eat better as a result.

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Binge Eating didn't do anything, other than make me fatter and sicker. It didn't help one thing. It didn't make my feet feel better. Getting off of them, did.

Binge eating is destructive.
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I had such a great day at Arnold's Way today! I did great with my food - i only ate some watermelon, a few tastes of some things in the dehydrator to see how they came out, and a huge banana whip.

At home, i had a carob, banana, strawberry smoothie as a snack and some veggie broth with chickpeas and asparagus, and a peice of gefilte fish with horseradish.

Later, I was hungry again and had some vegetarian chickun salad on 1 slice of matzoh, and some of Cliff's glutenfree spaghetti.

I was in SUCH a GREAT mood today! I attribute this to the fact that i prayed in yesterdays blog and today over my food to let GO of binge eating so that i can sing beautifully and serve God. I felt free and like a burden had been lifted off of me today as a result.

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xoxo michelle joy

STARVING THIS MORNING! STUFFED THIS EVENING!

Hiya, Hiya, Hiya!!!

I woke up SOOO hungry! That makes me SOOOO happy! Cause i get to EATTTT and ENJOYYYYY! And enjoying FOOD is probably my favorite thing in the world to dooooo! Only now, i get to do it guilt free, eating between the bounds of hunger / satisfaction anything i want, waiting until i'm very hungry to eat, praying over all of my food and asking for God's guidance throughout the day, and incorporating HIGH RAW. I can't tell you how FREE i feel!

To treat myself and feed this hunger this morning, I'm planning on whipping up one of my FAVORITE raw shakes - it is SOOO rich and creamy and decadant! Cliffy LOVES this one! Can anyone say CHOCOLATE?? I'm so hungry and 2 days in a row we had GREEN smoothies, so i feel like something especially SPECIAL this fine morning!

MICHELLE'S FAVORITE RAW CHOCOLATE SMOOTHIE
In a vitamix, add and whir until blended:
6-8 Frozen bananas, cut up
some berries (raspberries and strawberries)
2 Tbsp of hemp seed
4 Tbsp or more of raw cacao powder
2 tsp of vanilla extract, or 1tsp vanilla powder (even better)
A tiny tiny sprinkle of himalayan sea salt
A few dates or a few Tbsp of agave or raw honey
1-3 cups or more of filtered water - more water thinner shake, less water thicker shake!
extra decadence: a handful of coconut
Blend until creamy and smooth. Enjoy!


EXCITED FOR THE DAY AHEAD
I'm excited to go to work today! It's been over a week and a half of eating like I have been (intuitive plus raw wisdom) and the results are amazing. I lost weight and feel great! I fit into my clothes better, into the CAR easier, into the TUB better, and into the patio CHAIR again! The difference is astounding. Night and day!

This is working!

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The agony of defeat... BACK AT HOME AFTER WORK
Oh, man, I didn't have a good food evening. And I was so excited and hopeful this morning...

Sometimes we make bad choices in the heat of the moment and go downhill when we were on such an uphill. I pray to turn it around...immediately, no looking back...no regrets, no beating myself up. Just forgiveness and love.

I worked at Arnold's all day. I didn't have a plan of how to deal with the food there today and left feeling somewhat out of control, discouraged, and in pain.

My feet were absolutely killing me. They'd been tired to begin with. I'd been on my feet all day Tuesday cooking for Passover. And with my toe still broken, my feet are a mess. This really upset me.

I also felt discouraged because I ate from the dehydrator instead of praying over it and sitting down.

And because i ate some very salty food and my body reacts to more-salt-than-usual pretty violently. I didn't use the bathroom but once the entire day, even though i drank a giant bottle of water. (Even my mother knows how sensitive to salt I am.) I have to be VERY careful and I indulged freely, which for my body, can spell disaster.

I found it difficult to stay on track with the new way of eating at work, being surrounded by food. I ate probably an amount that would have maintained my weight, instead of lost me weight. Not a HUGE deal.

But, because of the water retention, I may have gained.

Jesus, Listen to me. This is all so ridiculous to write about because water retention is temporary and so are aching feet.

It just goes to show me the INSANITY of a love affair with food. I was discouraged over aching feet. Discouraged I'd overeaten. Discouraged I'd eaten too much salty stuff. Discouraged i was retaining water. I had a binge after work. My first in almost 2 weeks.

You know what? I don't have a food problem. I have a HEART problem. I don't know yet who to turn to for comfort.

It really snuck up on me, but I shoulda seen it coming. (I caught it the other night BEFORE it started.) Tonight, i allowed it to happen. I heard myself, on the car drive home, tell myself that a nice icecream custard would make my feet feel better.

I opted for a movie instead. But couldn't find an appealing one in the kiosk. So, i walked in the market and got some sushi.

Was i hungry? NO.

I wanted comfort.

I gave myself ABUSE instead. Food abuse is abuse, it's not comfort. Do i feel comforted now? NO. I have reflux. I'm still so full. And I probably gained 1o lbs.

Where do we get comfort from?

God.

Friends.

Loved ones.

A good cry.

A hot bath.

A good movie.

Food makes me fatter, gives me reflux, makes me MORE bloated and hold MORE water, makes me depressed and feel out of control, hopeless.

Food is abuse, not love.

Yet, turning to food...is so ingrained.

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Raw Lunch: 2 slices raw bread, veggies, tomato sauce, thai sauce, 1/2 raw burger

Raw Snack: raw kale salad straight from the dehydrator. I was hungry at least, and i did stop when i was no longer hungry.

Binge:
2 containers of sushi from the market
1 slice of pizza and 1 garlic roll with tomato sauce from the pizza place
1 large custard with jimmies from Ritas in the car
1/2 peice of gefilte fish, some leftover omelette, mashed potatoes and asparagus at home.

I pray to seek more loving ways to comfort myself.

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ARTISTIC ENERGY FLOW
After breakfast this morning, i did notice i was experiencing quite a bit of fear. I have a gig on Saturday and I'd love it if i could sing brilliantly. When we are not eating emotionally, we are open to feelings, both good and bad. I'd awoken so chipper, so happy, so looking forward to a fabulous shake for breakfast (which i thoroughly enjoyed a normal sized portion of). I sat down and realized i was really worried about Saturday's singing performance. I need to practice if i want to feel super confident. I need to go over what I'll say, how i'll introduce the songs and I need to go over my french and spanish for the foreign numbers. I was feeling quite anxious. But it was time to go to work. On my way to work in the car, i called Cliff and cried a little about being nervous. I did feel a little better afterwards.

On Wed night at my rehearsal, I had felt such a free flow of energy through myself it was astounding. I literally never sang better. Nothing was stopped up like it usually is. I was singing on the breath, supporting, relaxing my jaw. It flowed effortlessly (by using correct technique there is effort, but it is effortless effort). I sang 3 brilliant high c's.

I'd remarked to myself this morning how the success I've been having with my diet is parallelling my new success i'm having with my voice. I'm free and easy with food, so i'm free and easy with my voice. I follow the correct discipline with my eating and am finding the correct discipline with my voice, finally.

(I remember on the 35day banana thing, i sang horribly. Rigidity begets rigidity.)

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Now i'm worried that since i binged, i'll have reflux for Saturday and won't be able to sing well. I also am singing for Easter Sunday.

I pray, "Dear Lord. Make me a channel of your peace, please make me a channel of your beauty. Give me the strength to turn to You for comfort. To turn to You when i am in fear. Your peace, love, comfort is real and lasting. The comfort of extra food may make me forget my feet hurt and may make me numb to fear, but it clogs my channels, makes me physically and spiritually ill. You bring clear channels and free flow of energy and love and singing! Lord, You have given me a special voice. Please help me to be disciplined with food, so that my body and my voice might glorify You. Please help me to be obedient to the hunger/fullness signals you gave to me. Thy will be done. Amen."

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So, i spent an evening eating and laying afterwards when i could have been practicing and readying myself for the concert and for Easter.

Extra food appears to offer comfort like a friend, but it is my enemy. It ruins my voice and my body.

I can turn this around, starting....right NOW.

xoxo michelle joy

OVERCOMING FALSE GUILT...AND LEARNING TO TRUST

Good morning,

I woke up hungry this morning, yay! My early morning hunger was a wonderful conformation that i did well yesterday!

I was concerned. I felt guilty after the Sedar, that i had overeaten.

But i stopped when the sigh came (I've learned a sigh can be a signal that you are satisfied) and when the flavors diminished drastically. So, what did i do wrong? Why was I able to take in a larger volume for dinner, with no sigh until i was almost done my plate, when every other night, i ate so much less before the sigh came?

It dawned on me. Because i worked my butt off yesterday, all day on my feet, cooking, organizing, laying the table out, etc, etc, to get ready for the Sedar. I must have burned calories...and was hungrier! Up until then, i'd be recouping from my broken toe, laying most of the day in bed. So, I needed less food.

The less you MOVE, the less you NEED. The more you move, the more you need.

This understanding didn't come to me until this morning.

I think as i go along this journey, i'll get wiser and wiser and smarter and smarter and I'll be able to analyze the reality of situations much quicker. I was really feeling frightened and guilty and after the company left, i was having binge thoughts. I really thought i fucked up.

I prayed to God. "God, WHY am i thinking of food? You know...I'm feeling guilty. Like i did something wrong and it's making me wanna eat. But i know i'm not hungry. So, why am i feeling guilty and why do i wanna eat over it??? I didn't overeat. I stopped as soon as the sigh came, signaling i'd had enough."

I talk to God like my best friend.

I sat with it and luckily didn't react and go eat.

You know, these were the first "food thoughts" i'd had in well over a week!

Feeling guilt-ridden and frightened i'd eaten too much volume, I wanted to punish myself...by eating more! Aren't we crazy, us foodies? Eat more because you think you ate too much. THAT makes a lot of sense! I was imagining myself dipping into the rich and creamy leftover mashed potatoes when no one was in the kitchen and the coast was clear.

But, then i shook my head in rejection of the binge thoughts (distorted thinking), "No, Michelle you don't NEED to do that anymore. You can HAVE potatoes tomorrow if you want. You gave up dieting. And so what, if you DID overeat, just get over it. Don't make the damage worse by BINGE eating on top of THAT!"

It felt like the right decision. I went to bed.

Piddling around this morning soon after waking up, i realized I was hungry.

Victory! If i was hungry first thing in the morning, i KNEW i didn't overeat last night. My body had directed me last night to eat as much as it needed, and I followed it's directions. It digested all night, and awoke needing food again! What a wonderful feeling of success! And what a wonderful way to live! I get to eat all of the time this way! And ENJOY it, to boot! (And lose weight!!!!!!) (In one week, I fit comfortably again in the patio chair, where last week, i was squoze in tight and in pain. AMAZING VICTORY!)

YES, i can trust my self.

YES, i can trust my body.

YES, i can trust myself with food.

My eating disorder is dying. Soon, it will be dead and buried.

I can chalk last night's dinner up to another successful meal when I ate only what i was truly hungry for...and nothing more. Compulsive eater? Not anymore.

I am going to get thin this way. I am SANE about food. FINALLY. I am sooo happy about that. ELATED is a better way to put it!

AND, even though i'm eating cooked, i still keep turning to raw, again and again and again. Cooked is not consuming me.

For the first time EVER, I get to say. I'm in control. Not the food.

My head KNOWS that raw is the healthiest, but my HEART needs the PERMISSION to love cooked food now, in order to heal this binge eating disorder I've suffered from since I was....probably 10 years old.

No more hiding. No more secret eating. I accept myself and my desires today.

I ask for your acceptance, support, prayers, comments and emails. I'd love to hear from you! It really helps me to keep motivated.

WEDNESDAY, April 20, 2011
BREAKFAST: 4 oranges, 2.5 glasses green smoothie (kale, banana, grapes)

LUNCH: 1 peice gefilte fish, horshradish, 1 peice of matzoh

DINNER: Raw dinner! 1 nori wrap with leftover salad in it (lettuce, carrot, mushroom, tomato, etc.) and about 1/4 cup of leftover raw veggie-almond pate'. 1 stuffed date and hot tea with raw honey in it and a little soy milk (not raw)

SNACK: 2 apples

xoxo michelle joy

PASSOVER SEDAR AT MY MOMS

Good day! Everything is in the oven for tonight's Sedar. Just taking a quick break!

Since I ate 'cooked' twice yesterday, I thought it would be wise to go raw for today during the day, because I'll be eating another marvelous cooked meal tonight at Mom's.

For breakfast, I had about 5 oranges.

For lunch, I had 2.5 glasses of green smoothie (kale, banana, grapes, apple)

For snack, I had another orange and later a stuffed raw date and later an apple. I was hungry waiting for dinner!

For dinner, we had a wonderful Sedar! I had a peice of gefilte fish, a small peice of matzoh and a little margarine, a small bowl of matzoh ball soup, some mashed potatoes, asparagus, salad, applesauce, and 1 bite of a kosher for passover cookie...(that cookie was not that great).

We had such a nice Sedar and really nice company. I missed my models tonight on America's Next Top Model! Can't wait to watch it on Youtube tomorrow!

xoxo michelle joy

HAPPY PASSOVER!

Good Passover morning!

I awoke to birds chirping this morning!

How are you all doing? I hope you are doing well.

I'm blogging these days about how I am doing on my new program of intuitive eating mixed with raw wisdom. In this new way, I eat what I want (i try to balance pleasure AND health), but wait until I am very hungry before eating. Following my hunger/fullness has taken precendence over eating 100% raw today. I was raw for 3.5 years, but it didn't cure my binge eating. With intuitive eating, I'm finally healing my binge eating. Until I do that? Nothing will stick. Learning to eat this way has been so healing mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I can't even believe it. Raw is healing in the same ways on a MUCH MORE powerful level, but I'm not ready today for 100% raw committment. That's okay to admit! I accept it, gladly, because i know I am on a marvelous self discovery journey, and if raw IS the way to go fulltime, it will make itself known! I constantly draw myself back to raw, but find great pleasure today in finally eating what appeals to me (cooked and raw) in such a way that I no longer binge or desire to binge, and I'm losing weight, naturally. It's actually quite miraculous.

_ _ _

With the intuitive eating, the volume of my eating has cut down so severely, i awake early. It is very reminiscent of my 100% raw days!

I did so well at the family Sedar with my eating!

I cannot express to you the JOY there is in just eating when you are hungry, being absolutely in control because you know you can eat ANYTHING you want (luckily i want mostly healthy things), and the absolute FREEDOM there is in stopping when you've had enough. The pull of food is GONE! For instance, I stared at at least 10 tempting desserts, but by dessert time, I was not tempted in the least because i simply wasn't hungry! Amazing freedom!! The key is waiting to eat until I am VERY HUNGRY.

_ _ _

Yesterday was an interesting/odd DAY!

I awoke early, 5:59a.m., and got online. I'd received an email from a classmember of the Weigh Down Workshop. We're discussing the Remnant Fellowship church, the church that sponsors Weigh Down. I did NOT attend the class last night, and have rejected the program and it's church. I'm so glad I averted getting sucked into a cult! Having this new friendship is helping me sort out being OK having taken what i've learned from Weigh Down, but making it my OWN, freeing myself from the CULT-ish teachings, but maintaining what makes perfectly logical sense.

Discussing Remnant Fellowship is a fascinating/frightening venture. I am also in communication with an ex-member.

Did you ever see the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio, "Shutter Island?" Cooincidentally, i watched the conclusion to the film THAT morning. In the film, nothing is what it seems to be. The similarity of a story where nothing is as it seems really paralells what I am finding out about Remnant Fellowhip, a church with what appears to be good motives (to help people get thin), but brainwashes them into following a mad woman, controlling and manipulating them, and destroying lives and families.

I have ideas to bombard the media with what i've learned about this group. Remnant Fellowship has filed multiple law suits for slander saying the church is a cult. They just lost 2 of those cases. It is a cult and Weigh Down, though it teaches such a innocently sensible approach to eating, is it's tool to reel in unsuspecting victims. I have found you can learn all you need to know about eating in the first week. After that, they begin to reel you in. I am glad I am free from it.

I stayed up until 7:30ish, too fascinated for words, involved in all of these discussions about Remnant, but then began to feel sleepy and fell asleep until almost noon! It was like i was hybernating. I don't think i would have awoken, had Cliff not roused me.

When i woke up, i was in a sleep daze and a little outta sorts.

I stayed upstairs, waiting for the growl, but the growl never came. I went downstairs and, by then, slightly dizzy and disoriented (!!!), i drank 2.5 large cups of wonderful shake my Babe had whipped up (cacao, banana, strawberry), despite not registering feeling "hungry," and within minutes of beginning to eat, realized I was hungry, and in a few minutes, felt somewhat better.

The growl doesn't always come. For me, I can actually get into like a semi-diabetic low blood sugar state and never experience a stomach growl first - alerting hunger. And I actually winced at the first taste of the shake. But then, it tasted good and I registered hunger.

Not realizing I was hungry until i began to eat is, I think, thin person behavior, and it took me aback. Take my mother, who is naturally thin, she sometimes will not eat all DAY, and only when she BEGINS to eat will she realize she is STARVING. Experiencing something that i associate with naturally thin behavior was new.

There is SO MUCH TO LEARN about following one's hunger!! It is such an adventurous pursuit! Yes, in getting a little too hungry, there are some slightly scary times when i discover where too-hungry can lead me, but overall, i am experiencing positive after positive after positive!!

I'm losing weight really without effort. The only effort is the waiting and i'm learning more and more about that everyday. My face is looking thinner daily....and i'm enjoying food MORE THAN EVER before!!! I am experiencing total FREEDOM from compulsive behavior....total FREEDOM of choices.... and LIFE FEELS GOOD TODAY!

You know something? My mood is also...in ONE week....RADICALLY changed! Whew, i suppose i was POISENING myself with all of the binge food. I was SOOOOOOO DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS FEELING!! Now, i feel positively bursting with excitement and joy!!!

At the Sedar, I actually felt PROUD about how i looked, though i acknowledge I've gained a lot of weight. I lost enough of the bloat to feel good about myself. And with a week of intuitive eating behind me, I am absolutely bursting with confidence. Nothing is more empowering or beautifying than that!

And, I enjoyed actually TALKING with my little cousins last night! I'm usually so OBSESSED with food, i'm not really paying attention or conversing, or interested in anything or anyone - i'm too obsessed with the food! Last night, i found my cousins so interesting...(all of a sudden!)

_ _ _

I went to the market after breakfast. I recall feeling still alittle woozy still, recooping from my hybernating sleep and apparent low blood sugar spell, but I was well enough again that I enjoyed my shopping at Whole Foods. Medjool dates, Walnuts. I was going to make stuffed dates for the Sedar!

When i got home, i don't recall a grumble in my tumble, but i KNEW i was hungry. I had 1 tray of Whole Foods veggie sushi, which i enjoyed very much.

I made the stuffed dates! They were so beautiful, i should have taken a picture.

MICHELLE'S WALNUT ORANGE STUFFED DATES
With the S blade in a food processor, pulse chop about 1.5 of walnuts,
2-3 heaping tablespoons of raw honey, a sprinkle of himalayan salt,
a drizzle of lemon juice, 4-5 small mint leaves, the zest of one medium
orange. Leave chunky or grind smooth. Mine came out rather smooth this time.

Cut dates in half and depit. Fill date halves with the
filling so they form a lovely little mound on top. Shape the mound
until it's nice and pretty. Sprinkle each date half with a light drizzle of coconut flakes
and lay one tiny sliver of orange rind on top diagonally for
decoration. Arange date halves in beatiful pattern on a plate
and put a sprig of mint in the middle for decoration. Oila'!

I got dressed and left with Cliff to go sit in the car while he taught a few piano students before we drove to the Sedar. I registered slightly hungry in the car, but let it bypass. By then, i was feeling very fine, just a tad hungry, but i knew i had a great Passover meal to look forward to.

I ended up having SUCH a fabulous singing practice session in the car waiting for Cliff. Sometimes I do my BEST work away from home, in a kind of a forced situation. I knew i needed to rehearse for this Saturday's concert, and it was a lovely little opportunity to make it happen. I love when an opportunity creates itself, i take advantage of it, and have success! It was a joyous discovery, that singing practice. I know what i need to do for saturday - support, sing on the air (breath), fit the words into singing on the air, and all of a sudden, singing is easy! I lose my way so easily, but inspiration found me, once again. Thank you, God!

At the Sedar, we told the Passover story of the jews leaving Egypt. I think there is some kind of fabulous parallel there about me leaving the dry dessert of binge eating!

Now for the Passover feast! We all shared some salad for first. I enjoyed mine dry. Next, the gefilte fish was passed. I enjoyed 1/2 peice of gefilte fish. 1 ladel of soup with 1 matzoh ball followed. No sigh yet, i was still hungry (thank god!). I enjoyed a small potato roll with everyone else. I ate the whole thing it was so good! Next i had 2 bites of matzoh with marjarine...a very nostalgic taste from my childhood which i wanted to relive and did! I didn't need anymore than a few bites! For the entree, i enjoyed 1 teeny roast potato, 2 bites of cranberry sauce, 5 asparagus, 3 bites of sweet kugle (awesome!), and some sauteed mushrooms. I was feeling satisfied, and with the tastes diminishing, the sigh came, and I was done for now! I actually left some food on my plate!

Conversing the evening away was fun and felt new and exciting!

I felt the hunger return. Not very strongly, but strongly enough to warrant 2 stuffed dates. YUM! I did a GOOD job! Chewy and full of flavor!

Towards the end of the eve, i registered hungry again and had one of my cousin's cinnamon shnecken and a bite of chocolate covered matzoh. This is a special holiday treat and i was glad to enjoy these treats in a semi-hungry state. I think i usually would have bypassed this, but not tonight, it was a special occasion.

I was so proud of my newfound control! I enjoyed...but within the bounds of hunger/fullness. It was such a feast and enjoyed my little portion of it. Now I GET how Jennifer Hudson lost all of that weight on WEight Watchers. She was probably waiting for hunger and eating until satisfied. And now I get how Dustin Kellogg lost over 100 lbs eating raw gourmet. He was probably eating between the bounds of hungry/satisfied. All of a sudden EVERYTHING makes sense.

When we don't follow hunger/fullness, but eat from HEAD or HEART HUNGER, we are really fucked up. There is NEVER enough food to satisfy those two hungers.

I don't need to eat it all, greedily, anymore, to be content. Quite the contrary, eating compulsively was never as full of PLEASURE as this way of living is.

I'm so happy!

xoxo michelle joy

SELF EMPOWERED EATING IS ONLY ONE GRUMBLE AWAY

Hiya Folks, I'm just so jazzed to be with you today! I HAVE FOUND THIS LIST INCREDIBLY ILLUMINATING AND AM UPDATING IT FREQUENTLY.

FOOD LOG TODAY, SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 2011

Breakfast: green smoothie made with 4 small bananas and some green leaf lettuce.

Snack: 1 golden delicious apple, 1 tangerine

Ln: 3/4 of a small dinner sized roll from whole foods, A few Tbsp of a succulent creamy vegetarian chickun salad on it. 1 bite of veggie sushi, some fruity tea

Dn: small salad with spring mix and fresh tomato, 1 tsp raw dressing i made myself. 1 oz raw chedder cheese. About 8 Brad's Raw Chips. 1 medjool date stuffed with 1/2 walnut and a spiral of orange rind.

Early to bed. Tired!

_ _ _


MY NEW EATING ROUTINE
I am doing so incredibly well with my eating, i am drawn to make a list, detailing the new way i eat. I have been eating like this since last Monday, and I feel so happy! My entire LIFE has changed in one week because of this new way of eating. My entire psychology and spirituality has changed. My body has changed. I am transforming! I want to share this with the world. I am losing weight seemingly effortlessly. My clothing is fitting better and my face does not look as huge. I am not currently weighing myself. My weight today is unimportant. My behaviors, however, are what i monitor.

I would best describe the way i am eating today as ON DEMAND & INTUITIVE coupled with RAW WISDOM.

It's really wonderful!! If you are interested in how I am accomplishing CEASING BINGE EATING, LOSING WEIGHT while eating WHAT I WANT, but ALSO WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME, then read on!

1.) I wait for a very profound PHYSIOLOGICAL HUNGER. This arrives as a growling belly, or a low blood sugar faint feeling with no growl (kind of unpleasant when that one happens), or just a very very empty feeling (this one i get most of all).

2.) I let mildly hungry feelings pass (10-50x!) over the course of the day. When i am really hungry, it's time to eat. I am generally eating 3-5x a day. [This method of eating was taught to me by Weigh Down Workshop, which i am exceedingly grateful for, though i no longer follow their plan (READ PREVIOUS BLOG ENTRY "THE TRUTH REVEALED" FOR WHY)]. The goal is weight loss and stopping binge eating. It works!

3.) I start to think about 'What might I want to eat?', but i consider health as well. This is a tricky tightrope walk, but i'm doing very well so far making healthy choices that match SENSUAL IMBIBING PLEASURE DESIRE and HEALTH CONCERNS overall.

4.) For breakfast, i try to always start out the day with fruit or a fruit smoothie. For lunch, i may have raw or cooked. Same for dinner. I try to keep cooked to 1x a day, though i may do more if i really want it. Sometimes i start a meal with fruit or have an all fruit meal like a green smoothie for dinner. Snacks are usually fruit. I usually try to avoid gluten these days. I sometimes do food combining still. I sometimes eat all raw vegan, sometimes vegan, sometimes vegetarian with cheese and eggs, but I try to choose raw cheese if possible. Sometimes i eat fish or seafood if i really want it. (I've not gotten into red meats or poultry in over 4 years, but i have the option.]

5.) I have ACCEPTED the belief that "all foods are made clean by Jesus" (even though i'm Jewish, i really resonate with that teaching taken from the New Testament). I consider further about what i might want to eat. What might taste good, feel good? Am i hungry for raw? Cooked? Cold crunchy? Hot soothing? I trust that something will come to me. Usually if I can't decide, I'm not hungry enough. Sometimes, I'll stick my head in the fridge and take a peak and decide. Sometimes i already know! Sometimes i know when i look at it. When you're really hungry, you usually know what you want. I often want something raw and quick like fruit! Or crunchy like brad's chips! Or crispy like salad greens! Or filling like raw nut pate! Or light like soup! Or crusty like a GREAT peice of bread from whole foods...or succulent like a peice of salmon, etc... Or sometimes I want a combination. A favorite is raw chedder cheese with fresh tomatoes and Brad's raw chips. Another favorite combo is salad with tomato and raw nut pate, no dressing needed! I am learning to trust my instincts, trust my desires, all the while, making choices that jibe with what is healthy and/or pleasurable to me. Sometimes i want fat free or low salt. Sometimes i want that butter on my rye toast. I get to make the choices at the time for myself! I usually keep an eye to low fat and low salt.

6.) After i decide what I want, i set it out in front of me, nicely. If i'm too hungry to do that, i have a little fruit or a fruity drink and then i can deal with the meal. Sometimes i choose one thing to eat. Sometimes it's a few things. I'm calm. I'm thinking about what will taste best to me from what i've selected. I'm looking at the food feeling excited. I am not compulsive but quite meditative. I may take a deep breath and center myself.

7). I close my eyes. and I pray over my food before i do anything. [I have come to the tremendous awareness that eating Food is an incredibly intimate and sacred act. It is akin to having sex! i am literally taking something from outside myself INTO MY body and it is going into all of my organs and nourishing me. It is becoming one with me.] I pray something like, "Dear Lord, please bless this meal and these foods that i have done my best to chose. Please make it a blessing and nutritious for me and my body. Amen."

8). Whatever appeals to me THE MOST, (I've rated what does mentally), i take the first smallish bite of. I don't save the best for LAST, i eat the best FIRST! I get full quickly with this method, so i don't want to keep the best for last, or i may be full by the time i get to it. The first bite is rapturous. I moan silently or outloud as i taste the food and feel jubilant grateful excited yearning that my tounge is feeling this slippery or crunchy or hot or cold delight and I can taste SO MUCH FLAVOR!! I close my eyes and chew slowly, savoring the flavor, examining it, discerning. I'm in heaven! The food breaks down in my mouth and i swallow. Happy! I'm so hungry that with the first swallow i actually FEEL the food hitting the pit of my stomach. That FIRST bite? It always tastes the BEST! Intuively, i know how the food matches with what i desired. I choose the same thing on my plate or something different on the plate for my next bite, or maybe something else from out of the bag, or i'll run and get something from the fridge that i need to adjust the meal. The 2nd and 3rd bites are delish, but it's always a little sad, because with the next bite, the flavor seems to already diminish ever ever so slightly. I rate the foods on my plate. Which is my favorite? Finish that! With sometimes as little as 3, sometimes it's 5 or 6 bites, sometimes it's many many more depending on the richness or lightness of the meal, I'm nearing the end of the meal. Already the flavor is dulled significantly and the feeling of food hitting the pit of my stomach is gone. It's not as fun to eat anymore once i'm satisfied because the food just doesn't taste as good. This is how naturally thin people eat. A SIGH spontaneously comes. This is a signal that i am satiated and ready to stop eating. Sometimes I'll take one last bite or sometimes i'll be done with the sigh. I tested myself once and took 2 or 3 more bites past satisfied and then realized it is so lacking pleasure. It is pointless. It is so true - FOOD TASTES BEST WHEN YOU ARE REALLY HUNGRY. This confirms my desire to WAIT again for the next meal. I get to ENJOY food ALL DAY this way! This is the most PLEASURE PACKED way to eat, EVER. FORGET all of that binge eating. It doesn't compare to this BLISS.

9.) When i am satisfied (not full, but the flavor dulled significantly, i sighed, i feel satiated), I pack up whatever i have leftover and put it away and i'm done eating, or push the plate away if i'm with company. (I've heard it said you can put a napkin over leftover food if it's tempting to keep eating...) At a restaurant, i might ask for a doggy bag up front. Temptation has not been too much of an issue really because with THIS way of eating you are zoned in on YOU and your SENSATIONS, you are no longer obsessed with FOOD and your intense GREED for food and GETTING MORE. Leftovers, for the first time in my life, are actually UNINTERESTING. Now i understand why thin people are not obsessed with all of the leftovers in their fridge. In my binge food obsessed days (only a week ago!), any leftovers in the fridge would call my name continually. Food NEVER calls to me anymore now that i wait for real strong hunger. I'm in control, not the food. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't that the way it's SUPPOSED to be?????

1o.) I don't think about food until the next time i get very hungry. If i've eaten something very rich, i may have taken only a few bites to become satiated, and hungry might not come for many hours. If i've eaten something light like fruit, very hungry might come much much sooner.

11.) I let feelings of slight hunger pass as i go about my day. I wait until i am very hungry to eat again. I get to judge. I know when it's time.

12.) Food is about fueling me today. Food is about satifying my physilogical hunger today. Food is not thought about again until i am physiologically very hungry again. Dieting is a thing of the past, following someone else's lists or rules for what i should eat. I'll never do it ever again. Binge eating was a sick preoccupation, obsession, compulsive drive that i will never do again. I swear, i am done with it. Binge eating has ruined my life! And i'm taking back control. I don't need it. It never served me. It never comforted me. It ruined my body, made me fat, depressed, crazy. I have severed ties with that way of dealing with life.

13.) If i am in need of comfort or of expelling emotions or in need of something to do or in need of movement or affection or stimulation, i seek non-food non-eating-related activities today. I try not to watch cooking shows, but when i do stay on guard not to start salivating, i detatch from the screen. In my old days, my system and conditioning were so messed up, I would salivate at the thought or sight of food, like Pavlov's dog would salivate at the ring of a bell. I was conditioned, really brainwashed. Not anymore. And I try not to read cooking magazines or look at excessive recipes. When i do, i don't get sucked in, i detatch and watch myself, so i don't get too excited.

14.) I express myself, i call someone, I write, I watch a movie, i do the dishes, i kiss my babe, i ask for a hug, i cry or i laugh, I pray. Being a FORMER BINGE EATER is a blessing. It is so much EASIER to live life this way. It is SO MUCH MORE PLEASURABLE.

15.) Gone are the feelings of intense self hatred, intense hopelessness, intense drive to eat compulsively. Gone is the DEPRESSION, the embarrassment, the deep pervasive SHAME! Gone are the food stained clothes. I feel pride today in looking presentable. Gone is the indecision and confusion regarding "what am i supposed to eat?" "Who do i listen to?" "Which program should i go on?" Gone are all the questions about who's plan i should follow. I know now. I follow my own hunger/fullness. Gone is the fear of binge eating. The reality of binge eating simply doesn't exist for me anymore. Gone is the fear of weight gain. Gone is the fear i'll never lose weight. Gone are the remorse, the guilt for eating something i "shouldn't." i have no rules anymore, except for what satisfies me and what i want. (Alot of times i want raw food. Alot of times I don't. I also try to use my head and make choices that are NOT excessively salty and fatty, but if i know i just can't live without that little bit of butter on my small slice of bread, i enjoy it gladly.) Gone is reflux from overeating so severely. Gone is bloating from huge amounts of salt. Gone are the excuses about my metabolism or my addiction or my mental illness with food. Gone are the feelings that I am defective. Gone are the emotions that used to drive me to eat. They handle themselves now, miraculously. The disconnect between food and emotions is set, laid in stone and not budging. Praise God. Gone is mounting and constant weight gain. Did i say that already? I'll say it again. Gone is the fear of food. Gone is the fear of food, hallelujah!!!! Gone is the feeling of pressure that i have to be raw to stop binge eating or that i have to binge because i ate something "bad" and gone is the pressure that i have to follow anyone else's advice. Gone is the stress with eating. It's all beautiful and wonderful liberating CHOICE. I'm finally EMPOWERED. I'm FREE. HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD! It took me 43 years to get here finally, but i'm here and i'm sticking with THIS!

16.) After i eat, i sometimes am feeling and listening to my belly. Sometimes I'm occupied with doing something else so that i never think about it again for a long time. Sometimes food digests so easily i feel nothing. That is such a blessing and happens mostly with fruit! Othertimes, my belly sorta makes little digesting noises or funny feelings that stress me a little. I take note. Sometimes I realize i didn't eat enough because the hunger signal returns pretty strong. When the really strong hunger signal returns very soon, i'll eat maybe a dessert. Sometimes i'll drink a tea if it's not that strong or eat a fruit. I've bypassed many "slightly hungry" feelings before i feel without a doubt, i need to eat.

17.) My next Hunger will vary depending on how much or how richly i ate at the last meal and how much i moved today. Since i've been laid up with the broken toe, i've not been exercising yet. This will be a new area to explore, how exercise affects my appetite and hunger/fullness and my digestion.

18.) I don't eat much anymore. The volume of what i eat has drastically reduced. It could be that really obese people like me need to actually eat ALOT less food with this intuitive eating and waiting for the growl than they could ever imagine. My intake has dropped severely. A meal now can sometimes fit in the palm of my hand, if it's hearty. If it's not as hearty, the volume will be greater. The heavier the food, the less i need to get satisfied. The lighter the meal, the more frequent meals I might have, or the meals might be large volume, like many bananas or many oranges. Hearty meals may now fit onto a saucer instead of fit in the tub! Really obese people who eat this way are burning fat and calories waiting for their next hunger. That's empowering to know! This is the way to lose weight and give up the obsession with food. Food is not our friend, our lover, our confidant. Food is fuel, miraculously delicious fuel to be used between the bounds of hunger and fullness.

19.) Sometimes a meal will not hold me as long as i expect and i'll think, am i crazy, how could i be seriously hungry again? Analysis of what i ate will usually reveal that the food was not as fattening as i thought. For instance, a salad with no dressing, but a plop of almond veggie pate FEELS hearty and very rich in the mouth, but, it doesn't hold me that long. I guess it's not THAT caloric, it just seems decadent eating it. Sometimes I eat again in an hour. Sometimes something holds me so well, i eat again in 8 hours. I take each episode as it comes!

20.) I don't drink juices or coffee with cream between meals. Only water or plain tea. Or if i am really hungry for a certain special drink like tea wth honey and almond milk or raw hot chocolate, it becomes a meal or part of a meal.

21.) I turn from programs like Weigh Down Workshop that have great merit but would have me become a cult member in the Remnant Fellowship or a bible obsessed Christian in order to get thin. I know i am strong and independant enough to do this without anymore gurus, cults, coaches, dietplans, support groups. I'm done with searching for the perfect diet, the perfect guru. Life is perfect now as long as i abide by hunger/fullness. I am the BOSS now!

22.) I make note of how i feel AFTER i eat. Did my energy slump? Do i feel energized? I take note and learn like this about what foods my body likes or has trouble with.

23.) To be continued...for sure! With each episode of intuitive eating, i will learn more and more about the most wonderful person on the planet. ME!

_ _ _

I hope this new way of eating will inspire YOU to start focusing on HUNGER and FULLNESS, no matter what you eat, raw or cooked. I think you will see that it is ALOT easier to do than you ever imagined possible. I know you will feel just as empowered and excited as i do. The world of food awaits us!

I trust that as i feed my body a high degree of raw fruit and vegetables, that it will begin to crave those foods more and more. I go easy on myself with my desires for cooked. No more guilt! I'm done with it. If i only ever BINGE ATE cooked food or forbidden food outside of a diet plan before, it's HIGH time I allowed myself to FINALLY just ENJOY it!!!


My self esteem is soaring

I feel strong and powerful and in charge

I am becoming who i was meant to be

I'm so happy

I'm so grateful

I can't wait to see where this journey takes me!


Please join me in this miraculous journey. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Please write comments or send emails. I haven't heard from anyone in a few days.

xoxo michelle joy

INSPIRATION!

As raw foodies, we need inspiration. We need to constantly keep ourselves interested, learning, excited, aware and hooked in when it comes to raw food. This is key to maintaining the lifestyle, i think.

Last night, while flipping channels, i happened upon a show on local tv, PBS in fact, about raw food! I couldn't believe it. Cliff was waiting for me upstairs in bed, but I couldn't break myself away, it was so inspiring! B Organic was the name of the show. I've since found the website: www.borganic.net. It's not a raw show, but often features raw segments.

The raw chef featured was Sheree Clark. I really liked her! Sheree's webiste is: http://www.roadinthefork.com/ She is so real.

I couldn't find a video of this particular episode of b organic, but raw drinks were the focus. Two delicious looking juices were demoed, and a nutmilk. First, a frothy orange juice made from fresh oranges, sweet potato and pear that was called a 'creamsickle juice.' My, my, i wanna try that! (The sweet potato adds no flavor, only thickness/body.) The second juice was a green lemonade. Several greens (kale, romaine, raddish tops), 1 whole lemon, and apple were juiced. Yummy! (I've made something similar at Arnold's Way.) Last but not least, a thick succulent walnut milk was prepared. Soaked walnuts were vitamixed with filtered water, the milk was squeezed out via nutmilk bag, and was revitamixed with dates and vanilla, Mmmm, and served over raw granola. It really got me inspired! I hope to make one of those yummy treats sometime soon!

_ _ _ _ _

My friend, Jan, goes to Raw Food Rehab daily online and has joined their April initiative to GO FRESH! Yay, Jan! Jan works hard daily to stay inspired. Woo-hoo!

I'm also a member on the website, but not in this particular initiative.

I just perused an incredible plethora of raw vegan desserts at Raw Food Rehab. I am definitely getting more and more inspired!

And it's a good thing...my family's passover sedar is Monday eve and i'm making a raw vegan pie, something beautiful that i can bring along to enjoy guilt-free,...and my family can have a taste...if they like! Raw pies have no 'hammetz' in them and are kosher for passover! The recipes I perused were definitely getting the gears turning...!

Look at this gorgeous raw cake made by a Raw Food Rehabber!!! The sides of the cake are decorated with Kiwi!

Raw food Rehab is chock full of info to keep the raw foodist fires in you well stoked! It's free to sign up. www.rawfoodrehab.com

_ _ _

STILL DOING GREAT WITh THE FOOD!
Today for breakfast i had about 6 oz of berry banana chocolate smoothie. Wasn't that hungry, so only had a little!

For brunch, we went out. I had about 1/3 of my veggie omelette, 1 slice of rye bread with butter and jelly and about 1/3 of the potatoes. I savored and enjoyed. This is the life.

For dinner i had a bowl of lettuce with alittle more than 1/4 cup of my almond-veggie pate' on top, with 3/4 of a raw tomato, sliced up. A bite of tomato, pate' and lettuce in every bite! The best part was biting into a surprise peice of delicious, scrumptious cilantro from the organic Herb Salad mix. Yum! With all of the rain, i was chilled, so i heated up some veggie broth. For dessert, I had 3 oz of fat free greek yogurt, a banana, grapes and a little raw honey.

I was hungry again later. 1 small banana, 2 tangerines and a mug of raw hot chocolate quieted the belly.

_ _ _ _

I'm noticing I FEEL physically better after I eat raw food than i do when i eat cooked food. After cooked, i do notice an energy slump. It's important to take note of these things. They are all important markers directing the journey!

However, with all of my years of binge eating, i'd just like to ALLOW myself to actually ENJOY cooked food, FINALLY, before i choose to say buh-bye. As long as i stay on this 'intuitive eating' thing and don't binge, I think my process may be like any normal person's considering and experimenting with raw. You grow into it because you WANT to and it makes you FEEL better. A person can't DO something because they SHOULD. That road only leads to binge eating.
_ _ _

So, I do what i can.

I've been keeping a fruit bowl in my bedroom, which has been so wonderful. Everytime i get hungry in the eves up here, i just grab a fruit from it! That's a step in the right direction.

_ _ _

Get inspired!

xoxo michelle joy

THE TRUTH EXPOSED

Hi, dear readers, How are you?

I am really doing well with my eating and how i feel emotionally/spiritually!!!

I ate mostly raw yesterday AND today AND all week, and only when i was physiologically hungry. Yay!

I am definitely onto something following hunger/fullness, and feel a new effervescent freedom and lightness. A burden has definitely been lifted from me - binge eating and weight gain have stopped, almost effortlessly. I'm on track! I'm mostly raw! I'm in control! I have zero fear of binge eating today. yay!

_ _ _

Today i had 3 tangerines and a golden apple for breakfast.

For lunch, i had 2 cups of torn up romaine with about a 1/3 cup wonderful homemade raw almond-veggie pate' plopped on top, with 1/2 of a nice cut up tomato. That was delish. Savored every bite. Sometimes i eat with my eyes closed now so i can really pay attention. I wait for the growl...and the enjoy! For dessert, I had an old dried up date stuffed with raisins. That was not so hot!

For snack, i was hungry and sucked the juice and some of the pulp out of about 5 tangerines. Then i had a cup of plain herbal tea.

For dinner, we were out and opted for Chinese. I ordered the steamed mixed vegetables with tofu and brown rice. I ate about a 1/3 of the portion dipping peices of broccoli or tofu ever so slightly in the flavorful brown sauce. I enjoyed! I boxed the rest up. I ate with my eyes closed again and the Chinese counter lady was looking at me when i opened them. haha!!! She musta thought i was nuts! It really helps to pay attention!

I was hungry, so when i was 'satisfied,' i knew it. The food stops tasting as good. i stop feeling the food hit the pit of my stomach. i sigh. And i know i'm done. These are all clues i learned about and listening to them is working!

For snack, i wanted a treat. I bought some fat free greek yogurt. I had about 3 oz worth with a little raw honey.

We watched a movie last night and my belly was grumbling and grumbling. i ate an apple. Then had banana, blueberry, carob smoothie. that hit the spot.

_ _ _

Unfortunately, or fortunately, since i broke my toe, and i am layed up, I have had time on my hands, so I've been able to research and investigate more into Weigh Down Workshop and it's associate church, Remnant Fellowship. What i found out...are alot of ugly things, and I think i am closing the door on that workshop and permanently un-recommending it.

That said, since i am paid in full for the next 6 weeks, I think i will "take what i want and leave the rest," and see the class through until the end, just taking from it what i want, while keeping my eyes WIDE OPEN to any pressure, manipulation, force, coercement, which i've been feeling, and thank God, resisting.

Doing research on the WDW, i ended up at www.spiritwatch.org., a anti-cult Christian Watchdog group, which is heavily critical of Weigh Down and Remnant Fellowship, the church that sponsors the Weigh Down Workshop ministry. Or actually the church that was formed so that WDW could become a non profit and become tax deductible.

Finding all of this crap out about the ministry, I kinda feel like Diane Sawyer, like a true investigative reporter. On the other hand, another part of me is so sad and feels a real loss. I had hoped that Weigh Down was gonna be a good thing, but it turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Man, you gotta be vigilant these days!!!

Now, pause for a second - the teachings that i've been talking about that they taught: following hunger/fullness, waiting for the growl, seeking God for comfort, I still wholeheartedly believe in!!!! I want to continue to follow these teachings and incorporate them so well into my being that they BECOME ME!!!

Except i don't want anything else WDW offers.

It's the ministry and it's church, Remnant Fellowship, that i have a problem with, a BIG problem with.

I actually wrote a letter to www.spiritwatch.org, the watch dog group critical of WDW, documenting all of my strange misgivings with the mininstry these last days and how i came to the conclusion to sever ties with the organization after my class is over.

I don't have time for a longy now, so i'll just give the most important part.

www.spiritwatch.org exposes Remnant Church and Gwen Shamblin as being really seriously seriously dangerous. I didn't believe it at first, until i read, at GREAT length how church members are reeled in unsuspectingly, thinking the church had the best intentions, only to be brain washed, manipulated, and abused. Remnant Fellowship sponsors the WDW. Church members are all WDW participants. So, instead of going to normal church where the focus in on God, they go to a church where the focus is on THIN and on how little you eat. I've been feeling pressured, so i really believe everything i've read about Remnant Fellowship on www.spiritwatch.org. According to them, and ex-members testifying, Remnant Fellowship members are:

-coorced into eating miniscule amounts of food to be holy and pure
-taught that holyness with food is the only way to heaven
-chastised constantly for their impurity and lack of discipline if they overeat one bite
-called to weigh-in before the church public
-publicly ridiculed and ostracized for not losing weight
-compared with other members, who lost weight faster
-ostracized for asking questions and doubting any church rules or teachings
-made to worship Shamblin and take everything she says as gospel
-made to believe that Shamblin is a prophet
-taught to abuse their children with a rod with sticky tape on it so it doesn't leave marks
-taught to deny their children food
-taught to obey their husbands without question
-praised for what they DO and how little they eat, instead of praised for being saved by Grace
-made to follow bizarre legalistic rules and doctrines without end
-discouraged from exercising because it might make them hungrier
-brainwashed and mind-controlled into believing they are getting holier and holier the more they obey Shamblin because she speaks for God as God's prophet
-wooed to join the church and move to Tennesee if they want to get saved
-taught to consider all other churches the 'whores of Babylon" and Remnant as the only TRUE church
-taught to turn a blind eye to the fact that Gwen's husband does not attend church
-taught to hide problems within their families and to appear perfect to the public and media
-coerced to give money to the church to be holy, when it has 10's of millions in the bank
-coerced to attend long extended festivals and events multiple times a year, fasting for weeks, for the sake of purity, which can never be achieved
-anaylzed and severely criticized in front of their peers and are forbidden to state their side or case during these trials
-told they no longer exist if they are found wanting
-kicked out of the organization, revoked priveledges or demoted if they gain weight, don't lose enough weight, question without blind faith, or find fault with Gwen.
-made to recruit new membership and must hide embarassing truths about the church from new members

Etc. Etc. Etc.

It appears all is not rosy over there in Brentwood, Tennessee....

When little wierd things happened, over and over again, a whole list of them over the last few days, I got increasingly suspect and really funny feelings about the organization. I'll tell you about it another day.

Nevertheless, after reading the article, "Cults,Cultism and Gwen Shamblin's Remnant Fellowship (http://www.spiritwatch.org/remnantcultism.htm), and other articles on the site and others dedicated to exposing Remnant and Weigh Down, i finally understood why i had been feeling so funny all along.

Remnant Fellowship IS a cult.

Members are asked to follow Shamblin with blind faith, never question her authority, and are controlled, abused and manipulated agressively. Many ex-members are so persecuted by the church, they are almost suicidal when they finally leave the church for good.

Here are the criteria of a cult:

1. Milieu Control – simultaneous isolation/ rejection of external influences and creation of new world order of group’s vision

2. Demand For Purity – pressure to engage in a continual process of self-purification from all the group deems impure and unholy

3. The Cult Of Confession – communal exercises to compel confession of failures, reinforce submission to authority, and discipline through shaming, fear and guilt

4. Mystical Manipulation – an exaltation of the group’s authority through an allegedly spontaneous, yet staged event aimed at inspiring or evoking awe/wonder

5. The Sacred Science – group claims, authority and wisdom of which establish "new truth" never before achieved & available exclusively only to group members

6. Loading The Language – unique group vocabulary meant to directively evoke and condition thought and practice by conveying specific meanings

7. Doctrine Over Person – resolving of tension between group truth claims and personal experience at the group member’s expense, regardless the cost

8. Dispensing Of Existence – belief that group authority is so absolute that it can infallibly determine the right of people, relationships and even cultural institutions to exist or not exist, and thus given any actual recognition

_ _ _

Remnant Fellowship fits all of the criteria of a cult.

And i almost bought into it! And shared about it so excitedly here! And i saw all of the glaring red signals along the way. I was saved just in time.

_ _ _

I a healthy FEAR, but truly mixed emotions about WDW because it has been SUCH a good influence on me, this waiting until you are TRULY hungry and waiting for the growl. But, when i read how the more advanced classes of Weigh Down and the Remnant church doctrine perverts what seem like good teachings at first and perverts them and perverts them and distorts them and makes them so severe to control and pressures members to submit, and attacks members for overeating or overweight, and tells them they are sinners for eating one too many bites of food, and that the only way to get to heaven is to be skinny and barely eat a thing, I KNOW this organization is not something i want to get involved any more deeply in.

Any church that makes you feel bad about you, guilty, like a sinner more and more the longer you go, to reel you in deeper and deeper is not for me. Besides, I only wanted to get thin and stop binge eating. i don't think I need to starve myself or become a super-hero Christian reading the bible night and day to do that. I believe i have to be seriously SPIRITUAL and live my life from Spirit, but religious? Not necessarily. And definitely not religiously-obsessed like members must become to be viewed as 'holy,' and 'righteous.'

I'm sorry because i was feeling so much closer to God and feeling connected to a group with the hope i'd find somewhere really fitting to worship, and also no longer overeating or binge eating. We all want to find a home. WDW and Remnant are not it.

In my quest to find the truth about food for myself, how to stop binge eating and lose weight permanently, i thought i'd found a portion of the answer at WDW. But, i suppose I can continue along the same lines as i've been doing, following my God-given intuition about raw veganism coupled with on-demand intuitive eating (all food is made clean by God) without the church, find other resources for fellowship and emotional support, and continue developing my growing relationship with God, without being controlled and manipulated by a crazy big haired woman and a mob of anorexic ascetic control freak Christians.

If I have to join a cult to get thin and lose my obsession with food, i'll find another way!

xoxo Michelle Joy

LEARNING NEW THINGS EVERYDAY. WEIGHING THINGS OUT. ASKING QUESTIONS. FINDING ANSWERS.

Good Day!

It is an absolutely GORGEOUS day today on the East Coast. Absolutely perfect weather, lovely!

Cliffy and I had lunch outside. I hobbled downstairs to do it, but now i'm in bed. I'm not feeling great. Slightly lightheaded/dizzy, tired.

I'm off of work today and tomorrow with the toe business. I tried to put my shoe on and walk and I saw stars. ZONKS! That smarted.

It's just as well to be home nursing my big toe, because i've obviously done a doozy on my system. I seem to have needed this opportunity to rest. Thanks, God, for orchestrating it.

I'm feeling that naggy slight recurring hunger since lunch, but I'm dealing with it. I feel like i had enough to eat for lunch, and i enjoyed it VERY MUCH. I think it's just the way things will be from now on. But I think it will be revealing and interesting to monitor. When do i feel that naggy feeling? What did I eat?

In general, it might just be a shock to my poor belly the reduced overall volume. I think my ol' belly will eventually shrink and get used to not being SERIOUSLY STUFFED anymore.

After a yummy breakfast of 1-10oz mugful of berry banana shake, I was good, I mean no naggy belly. Maybe that's because it was well combined raw food.

Around 1:30p.m., I felt REALLY hungry. I don't recall if there were grumbles in the tumbles, but i knew if i didn't eat those 2 plums, i wasn't going to make it. After that, Cliff and i sat outside and shared a nice bowl of purple grapes.

Following that, I decided to join him in a cooked lunch and ate a small bowl of homemade veggie soup with asian rice noodles. I took a VERY small portion. I ate slowly. I savored.

He was very supportive. "You're doing great eating slowly, honey!" It was nice.

[My butt and legs were squoze in the outdoor furniture chair, though. A constant reminder I have a LONG way to go.]

_ _ _

Cliff and I shared a wonderful prayer last night before bed. I think Weigh Down Workshop(WDW) is going to have a very positive effect on not only MY spirituality, but on his, and on our relationship as a couple. The family that prays together, stays together. He felt extra supportive at lunch maybe because of the bonding of the prayer. Our desires were in synch. We put them all up to God. I no longer wish to overeat, among other things. Neither does he, among other things. And we're in this together, asking the Big Guy to help us. Nice.

The Weigh Down is a good influence.

_ _ _

How do i feel about the small bowl of cooked soup I ate for lunch?

Okay. I'm REALLY okay with it.

I really have no fear of binge eating today.

Revamping my HEALTH - - and conquering BINGE eating - - are two goals that I fear have slightly different agendas. To conquer binge eating, I feel that addressing my food WANTS is important. Why do i want to feel deprived anymore? I'm not gonna get to binge anymore, so i might as well eat what i want within meals. But returning my HEALTH to order is also a huge goal. Diabetes scare, possible high blood pressure... Raw food WILL get me to my goals the fastest. Balancing these two goals is going to be like walking a tight rope. I'll have to take it one day at a time.

_ _ _

Hey, after lunch, i made a DELICIOUS 2 minute raw almond pate in the cuisinart from some leftover raw veggies and almonds. It surprised the heebyjeebies outta me how FAST it was to make, and how DELISH it came out! I'm looking forward to some of it for dinner, or for tomorrow. (I threw in the cuisinart with S blade: small amoutns of leftover red pepper, carrot, celery, garlic, onion and about 1/2 cup of raw almonds, juice of 1 lime, celtic salt and a tiny drizzle of agave. The seasoning didn't need any adjustment. Way cool, TOTALLY FAST and DELISH!!!)

_ _ _

You see? I'm still in like Flynn with the raw thing! I'm just going with the flow. It's really a NICE FREE way to be today. Guilt free.

_ _ _

I do hope that this will all work out for me for the best. I'm feeling positive and hopeful about it! I'm just gonna have to have FAITH that I'll get better inch by inch in each area of my life, one day at a time. I'm not gonna DIET and BINGE anymore or follow anyone else's agenda when it comes to my food or my body. I'm gonna listen to my gut, analyze, ask questions, listen to my intuition for the answers, listen to my Spirit's leading, take it a day at a time, and pray alot I'm making the right decisions!!! If RAW is indeed the way to go, 100%, the path will make itself clear.

_ _ _

The title of my blog some days works FOR me and some days AGAINST me. I feel like i have to justify my choices always.

But, maybe that's a good thing. Pure Raw Joy is a constant reminder.

Most importantly, I just wanna live in Pure Joy.

No more binge eating, so no more deprivation.

I'll be working on figuring out how to make this all work. Hey, whatever works will make itself clear!

_ _ _

I discovered some HIGHLY fascinating details about how my class leader, Andy Sorrells, www.550poundsdown.com, lost over 250 lbs with Weigh Down in only 18 months.

In response to my question, "Andy, you lost over 250 lbs in a year and a half. Did you eat saucer sized meals? How many times a day? Is it possible that you could tell me what you ate on a typical day losing weight? Do you eat more now to maintain your weight?", here's his answer:

Michelle,

As far as when I lost, there was no set amount that I was eating. Honestly, when I had lost about 50 lbs and was close to 500 pounds and being 6'3, I found that I was really only hungry about once a day. I didn't get hungry until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon and by that time, I knew I'd be driving home to my wife and kids soon, so I waited until I could eat with my family. Just to give you an example of what I was eating: 1/2 of a Hot Pocket (or something like the size of one White Castle burger), a small salad (say a cereal bowl), and then maybe one Hershey's kiss for dessert. Yes, I know it's not a lot for a full day, but it was all my body needed. Actually, to put it into perspective, God allowed me to read Ezekiel Chapter 4 this week. God had Ezekiel bound for 390 days. In those 390 days, he was commanded to eat 20 shekels of food per day, I got curious and looked up how much a shekel was, roughly a 1/3 to 1/2 an ounce. So, Ezekiel was eating 10 ounces or less of food per day, that's not much. Our bodies were built to serve God, so taking care of them is important and that starts with the heart. If the heart is not right with God, the body suffers. As far as now and maintaining weight, I usually eat small in the morning (a small bowl of cereal), have a light snack (maybe an orange) and then a small dinner (half a burger, small salad, small dessert). I hope this helps. thanks for sharing and please let me know if you need anything at all.

Andy

_ _ _

10 oz of food a day? From my calculations using fitday.com, that's no more than 500 cals a day when he was losing. And not much more than 1,000 cals/day now.

IT'S LIKE A GASTRIC BYPASS WITHOUT THE GASTRIC BYPASS.

Yet, for all of the hullabahoo about the the no diet approach - eat whatever you want - cheeseburgers, brownies, cheesecake - the no diet-diet approach is still a diet. It's just severe portion control. You CAN eat whatever you want, if you're only gonna eat 10 oz of it a day. I could go on the foix gras diet. 10 oz of foix gras is only 1300 cals.

_ _ _

I think of Dustin Kellogg who lost 150 lbs, www.dustinkellogg.com, eating his wife's most amazing raw gourmet conconctions, pies, exotic raw entrees, amazing first class raw fare, www.therawseed.com, and I ask myself, "Which way do YOU want to go?"

_ _ _

I recall my OWN immensely enjoyable raw gourmet meals bi and tri-weekly at Cilantros and Ranchos in San Diego, CA. MMMMmmmm, delish! Yes, i didn't generally eat dinner when i did these lunches. I'd had my fruit for breakfast and then the most wondrous raw lunch complete with appetizer, entree, peice of pie for dessert, sometimes a baggie of raw chocolate afterwards. And i lost 140 lbs in 8 months indulging like this several times a week along with lowfat no-salt raw at the retreat. Yes, i walked my butt off and swam several times a week. (But i also enjoyed EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF my newfound mobility and ENERGY and enjoyed those times in nature and in the water with all of my heart! I never exercised to lose weight. I exercised because I wanted to get around, I didn't have a car, and because I simply....ENJOYED it!

Whew, those times are really something to think about, to remember, to ponder.... Those 8 months at OHI were for me so wondrous, so magical, such a FINE combination of discipline mixed with healhty indulgence and raptorous movement. The weight dropped off of me like butter slipping off of hot corn...

_ _ _

Cliff asked after hearing about the 10 oz meals, "Does he exercise?"

(Cliff used to be BIG into exercise, not for weight loss, for PLEASURE, so he knows that when a person exercises, they expend MONGO calories and must EAT MORE.)

"No," I answered. "Weigh Down people are not into exercise. They don't feel they NEED to do it to lose weight."

They probably don't have the ENERGY to do it!

I had SOOO much, ENDLESS energy at OHI. I'd start walking and just wouldn't stop. I'd start swimming and go for an hour. Magical glory days.... The memories are seered in my mind, just as the memories of walking the hills of Manayunk are summers ago when I started this blog, losing weight with 811, feeling so in control of myself, only to terribly lose control with each encounter of raw gourmet. Had I been able to control it, like I did at the retreat, I might have lost ALL of my weight, and might NEVER have gone off of raw...

_ _ _

My books and CD for the Weigh Down class finally arrived in the mail. Curious to read through them! Still, I'm takin' what I want and leavin' the rest.

So glad to be able to share all of this here, memories, hopes, dreams, suppositions, realizations. To have the forum for REALLY analyzing this process and really communicating what lies in my heart, my soul, my brain, as I go through it, is just a miraculous gift. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for listening to me.

_ _ _

It is my GREAT JOY to write here, and someday, i KNOW, I'll figure this all out....and I'm gonna be SOOO HAPPY and SKINNY when i do!

_ _ _

About 8:30pm, I was definitely hungry. I wanted a big refreshing green smoothie! 4 small bananas and 3/4 of a head of red leaf lettuce, Yum!

Sometime over an later, I was still hungry. Literally 4 bitefuls of warm millet with cut up tomato and steamed broccoli did the trick. Amazing how when you're really hungry, everything tastes DELICIOUS! With each bite, the taste got fainter and fainter. So i stopped. Wow!

Excited i get to eat again tomorrow, and be hungry for it!
xoxo michelle

WAITING FOR THE GROWL

Hi there,

How are you all doing?

My behaviors are GOOD! Here I am stuck here with this bumm toe and I'm layed up in my room, foot elevated, with Cliff bringing me my meals in bed. Is this the life or what?

I guess you'd call what i ended up doing the last few days as SIMPLE RAW. Simple Raw is things your man can make, like a sliced raw veggie plate with raw nuts on the side, and simple smoothies.

Some people say raw is complicated. It doesn't HAVE to be.

It's such a TREMENDOUS relief to have stopped binge eating and to be CHOOSING RAW again, wow, it just blows my mind! Life is so amazing. One day everything looks bleak and hopeless. The next, there is hope. What a DIFFERENCE only a day...a few days make!

I always thought self control was a GIFT, but i think it's really a SKILL that we can acquire with a little training. The WDW seems to be teaching me self control.

I'm also working on portion control, a big part of the program. Today, I have the awareness that extra food doesn't really comfort me, and that by following my hunger/fullness cues, I can be free from compulsion.

Knowing that cooked food is not EVIL and ADDICTIVE, but made CLEAN by God...is a cool concept. I really like it. It gives you amazing FREEDOM to choose it, with blessing, should you desire.

But i consider myself priveleged and grateful to understand that raw is the MOST healing way to eat food. Physically, my body has been very, very UNHAPPY, and now that i am feeding it wonderful fresh raw fruits and veggies, i await pain-free days ahead! No more backaches & painful joints! Hurrah! The regular WDW folks don't get that priveledge eating their cheeseburgers and fries.

When and if i eat cooked, i'm going to ENJOY it THOROUGHLY...but in small portions, savoring, with gratitude! I am STOPPED binge eating for today! I undersstand that more food will NOT make my heart happy. No, my HEART can't be filled by what goes into my stomach. Today i know that I have to fill my HEART with comfort, communication, spiritually uplifting videos, love, understanding, sympathy, kindness, God's love, bible verses, gratitude, love for myself, prayer, etc... Food doesn't feed a hungry heart.

I'm trying to get my portions smaller since this is a goal of WDW.

For breakfast, i sensed a slightly hungry feeling, so I said yes to breakfast, though i thought twice about it and considered waiting until i was really hungry. But i decided to go with the flow. Better to keep to our schedule of morning shakes if i can at all possible. My darling Cliffy takes pride as the shake maker.

My hon made a wonderful shake of berries and bananas with some raw honey. Mmm, mmm! I usually drink 2 or more glasses, but I drank only 1 this morning sensing it would be enough, and knowing i had the 2nd glass on my bureau waiting for me all day for whenever i get hungry again. That was welcome new behavior. I didn't drink it until about 9pm!

For lunch, Cliff hand delivered a wonderful veggie plate of cut up raw celery, tomato, carrot, cucumber, red cabbage, with a little assortment of raw walnuts and almonds on the side. Am i a lucky girl! I sampled and rated each element of the plate. Mmmmm, raw veggies are freakin' delish when you're hungry! The carrots and tomato and walnuts tasted the best so i ate those first! When i felt like i'd had enough, i chose some grapes from the fruitbowl my honey had also brought up. The grapes were yummy in my mouth, and so sweet.

But it was bad food combining. My tummy didn't feel settled after lunch for quite some time maybe because of the grapes. I hate to feel nagging in my tummy all day. i like when it's good and quiet and doesn't yen at me. After breakfast, it was quiet for SO long, i loved it! What a relief!

Food combining and eating gluten-free at home continue to be a dominant practice in our household. We do it because it really seems to have striking benefits for digestion and inflammation. I need to remember this, and consider it.

But, i also need to be open to satisfying myself. I felt like a dessert after my veg plate and the grapes did hit the spot. I felt satisfied after lunch from them. But, then my tummy was funny.

Anyway, something to consider, food combining, and how it affects the rumble in my tummy, and how i feel between meals. And what's more important to me at the time... Do i feel settled in the belly? Do i feel nagging? What did i eat? If the thing i miscombined really satisfied me, am i willing to pay the price in grumbly belly for it?

I tried to wait until TRUE PHYSIOLOGICAL HUNGER (growling stomach) for lunch, but a growl never came, so about 30 mins after Cliff brought my lunch plate up, i decided to eat. I WAS hungry, but no growl. I'm so intrigued about this stomach growling thing. i don't think my stomach has ever growled a day in it's life! I'll try before subsequent meals to wait for a REAL growl, because it really didn't growl before lunch OR breakfast.

I enjoyed about 1/2 of the lunch plate. I knew i was getting full when i kept sighing. Sighing, we are taught in WDW, signals that we're getting full. How clever! I never was taught these things...!

Waiting for the growl is a different concept than other 'demand eating' programs that instruct you to eat when you're hungry. Waiting for the growl is ALOT LESS vague than just 'hungry.' I'm just hungry all of the time! No wonder i was eating all day on these kind of legalization plans whenever i had the slightest feeling of emptiness. Waiting for the growl is so specific, and pointed. When do you eat? You wait for the growl.

I'm finding that i have slight feelings of emptiness...alot. Today, I felt slightly hungry on and off for most of the day today. Kind of annoying, but it seems to leave when i question if it's for real. It could just be i'm digesting, or my tummy is testing me, "Aren't ya gonna FEED me?"

Maybe i'll get a growl tonight. We'll see!

I watched a WDW video this morning. In it, Gwen Shamblin, the founder of WDW with her crazy hair, says that we should eat anywhere from 1-3x/a day, a saucer-sized plate of food. That surprised me. That's not really much!

Yesterday i ate about 5x. After hearing that, i was more vigilent to wait for the growl. But since the teaching is based on regular food like fries and burgers with cheese and mayo and regular soda, I am going to have to readjust the teaching when it comes to simple low fat raw, or other lo cal things I might eat/want. I might experience the need for a different plate size eating God's more natural stuff.

Gwen promises that the longer we wait for true hunger, the more fat we burn up. Interesting! Enticing!

Unlike a car that needs fuel and we fill up when we have 1/4 tank left, Gwen teaches, we should wait until we are on E - totally empty - before refueling.

I'm working on it. Just as long as I don't faint again from low blood sugar, waiting...!

_ _ _ _

THE GROWL ARRIVES7:11p.m. I just heard a growl! I don't know if it was GAS or my stomach!!! I think it was GAS!!! No, it kept going...it was definitely a growl!!!!

Time for din din? Now, what did i want?

Cliff was working and the fruit bowl and rest of the raw veggie plate and leftover smoothie did not appeal to me. Since i had to watch Americas Next Top Models downstairs, my FAVVV show, (our TV is downstairs) i ventured downstairs for my first meal since breaking my toe.

Grapes appealed at first and I made a big bowl, but soon, i didn't want anymore. Hmmm, what was i gonna do now? I opened the tupperware of baked cod and sniffed it. It definitely didn't match what i wanted. The baked sweet potato that Cliff had made earlier looked at me, so i said yes. Sitting down, it was delicious plain and cold from the fridge with the skin still on. I'm allowing myself to go with the flow, though i'm constantly trying to remind myself that raw is ultimate.

Cliff got home by then and we sat and chatted during his dinner. My belly was empty feeling, i felt miserable, I even cried real tears. I was hungry! Hungry and actually slighly faint and most definitely irritable and empty, though i'd just eaten some. "I'm hungry, Cliff!," I cried. Better to satisfy myself even without a growl than get angry and go binge. I'd only eaten a dry potato and some grapes (and 10 oz of smoothie in the morning and what amounted to maybe 2oz of nuts and calorie-free veggies for lunch). I was hungry. I finished the smoothie from earlier by rewhipping it up with an extra banana and a tbsp of almonds. It was good, but did little to quiet the empty feeling. I warmed up 1/2 cup millet with 1/2 chopped tomato, which was really delish and i savored with my eyes closed. It seemed to do the trick.

I got out of the kitchen, kissed Cliff good night, and retired upstairs. My tummy rumbled little digestion noises, but I felt satisfied.

I don't think the WDW people actually have these types of long extended meals, they are instructed to make it 15-20 mins tops, because they're eating small portions of caloric ribs and sour cream and butter on their baked potato and jelly and butter on their biscuits and cheesesauce on their broccoli. Fattier foods satiate quicker and longer.
_ _ _

Waiting for the growl is a new skill. I'm finding that a need for food doesn't apparently always come as a growl, but can come as lightheaded, dizzy, irritable, even as far as faint, or just an empty feeling. Discovering all of this is fascinating! Feeling slightly hungry also comes frequently throughout the day, but if i acknowledge it and just move on, it seems to subside. It's probably "growing pains." My belly is testing me.

_ _ _ _

I'm still soooo intrigued about the growl! I woke up this morning and searched myself. Was i hungry? Had i really overeaten last night? Was my stomach growling now? It wasn't at 7am. In fact, about 2 hours after we woke up, my stomach was feeling hungry! This was a happy discovery. That means, i don't think i did too badly at all yesterday, if i was genuinely hungry in the morning! There may have even been a little rumble!

When i was in the bathroom, mulling over my day, i considered my cooked dinner last night. Raw IS the most healing, I told myself again. That said, I enjoyed my dinner VERY much!

The most IMPORTANT thing to me? To STOP BINGE EATING PERMANENTLY. That's even MORE important to me than being raw. Because i WAS raw, but still binge eating. And THAT, my friends, is what led me to gain 100+ lbs back. Because when i stepped over to cooked, i was still a greedy greedy eating machine, only with cooked, you can't do that and get away with it like raw. And the more cooked you eat and the guiltier you feel for it? The more and more degraded the binges get, the more and more volume it takes to really do the binge job.

I've come to realize I don't have an EATING disorder. I have a HEART disorder.

Food can't fill a hungry heart. But GOD'S LOVE can.

I await more growls today!
xoxo michelle joy

GOD ORCHESTRATED AN INTERVENTION

Morning,

I've had the opportunity to write alot...

Because I BROKE my TOE!

If the Diabetic episode on Monday night wasn't enough, on the way to the bathroom that same night, I tripped over my own toe, and pain shot through my big toe like a hot poker.

I've been hobbling ever since. The entire big toe on my left foot is a blueish purple and hurts like the devil if i even move it a miniscule. It's broken alright...

It's actually been incredibly fortunate, for it has meant, no more freedom to go down to the kitchen for a binge, or to get in the car any old time and drive to Wendy's or McDonald's for a binge... I'm stuck in my bedroom, and the truth is, it has been a blessing. I have re-entered the land of self control by means of God's control. I just know He did this to help me.

Cliff served me my meals yesterday and i asked for 2 fruit smoothies, 1 plate of cut up raw veggies with 2 oz. of walnuts and almonds, and 1 green smoothie. He offered to go out to get me "something," but I amazed myself because I declined.

I wanna be raw. Did you think you'd hear me say that again? With the diabetes now, things are different. I don't wanna be a diabetic. And soon i won't be one, all because of raw.

And, i've been feeling these fibbrilations in my heart, flutters that last 30 seconds. They scare me.

I'm scared. I pray to God I don't lose this healthy fear for my health.

So, i've been RAW for 2 entire days, and just had a wonderful smoothie for bkfast, s i'm on my third day...and GOD orchestrated the entire episode, i just know it! He knew i needed to just STOP...to go to 'rehab' per se....and well, here I am, in my bedroom! In rehabs you have little freedom, right? Well, the toe has incapacitated me so, that i have little freedom. JUST WHAT I NEEDED...TO GET BACK ON TRACK.

Also, my knees had been KILLING me, as well as my back. I think this rest is going to be good for my digestion, my blood sugar, my joints and back, my heart, my allergies, my reflux. It's not only a rest in bed for my toe, it's a rest in my internal organs, eating low fat raw again.

Last night, i watched another of the WDW videotapes offered in my online class, and I came away from it incredibly moved and uplifted.

They are really on to something there.

Okay, so i'm eating raw, which is AWESOMMMMMEEEE!!!!

But, you know why these WDW people succeed??? Because even if they eat the WORST fried twinkies and bacon and shit, they've learned to control themselves.

I don't agree that every food is the same. I'm making the CHOICE for raw today, but when the day comes that I choose to eat cooked, maybe it will be soon, I will do like the WDW people, and consider each cooked morsel a holy blessing from God.

I'm not gonna "fall from raw" anymore into a binge, scarfing up everything I can in sight until my next diet. They call that being GREEDY...and you know what? I'm a Greedy bastard. Cooked food is SOOO delish, we have to follow certain important rules:

- wait for TRUE hunger
- rate the foods on your plate
- divide your plate up or take small portions, the size of a saucer plate
- savor each bite
- tiny bites
- sip something in between bites to slow you down
- fill each bite with gratitude and love
- give up remorse and guilt. God makes all food clean.

I'm hoping our knowledge and love and experience with RAW will be strong enough to pull us back. I think it's possible. This will be my journey soon to find out.

So, i'm taking what i'm learning at WDW and tweeking it. I don't feel i'm in rebellion. I'm improving it! Someday when i am thin for many years, there will be the PURE RAW JOY WORKSHOP for food obsessed women, and we will show them the way!

I was a little irked with the 1st WDW class, but for today I'm REALLY happy to be in this program. I'm gaining alot. I think this, coupled with RAW, is the answer for me. I know, i say that about a lot of things, but you can't fault me for trying to find the answer.

I just discovered you can do WDW at home for FREE! Click here: http://www.weighdownathome.com/

I'm on a mission, and not just for myself, for every other obese binge eating lady out there who has no hope. And it's all (alot of it) documented.

The Marianne Williamson book is GREAT, and I'm appreciative it woke me up to God, but it didn't offer ME enough support to just read, or enough of a practical message for how to deal with the food for me to stick with it. I'm happy to be in a class now with so much reinforcement available. I'll get back to reading it some day soon.

Cliff's downstairs making smoothies for us!

I smile a big broad smile when i realize that i'm back in pure raw joy. Pure raw joy is a choice now that i make with such a sense of gratitude. The hell of binge eating is over. WDW teaches it has NOTHING to do with the food, but with the state of our hearts and minds. If we fall in love with God, and abide by certain eating principles to slow us down, we are saved, in Grace. All of us are also blessed enough to have encountered the RAW message, which we must keep forefront in our minds. RAW food is superior to heal, to cleanse, to rejuvenate.

By applying the wisdom of WDW to my heart, mind, and self control, coupled with the wisdom of raw, i'm able to heal all parts of myself. It finally all makes sense.

How lucky am I?

xoxo, michelle joy