SATURDAY'S DAILY SCAN

FOOD
Br: Smoothie: chocolate, banana, date, strawberry. Shared w/Cliff. Yum!

Sn: apple. hungry!

Sn: while cooking: Taste of lentils for dinner. Taste of roasted veggies: potato, turnip and carrot roasting for lunch.

Ln:
Large plain salad of spinach. No dressing.
Home made boiled pickled beets w/raw vinegar and agave, 1/2 c.
3/4 c. roasted root veggies (potato, sweet potato, carrot, turnip), seasoned with herbs, olive oil, salt, pepper

Sn: hungry!
1/2 grapefruit;

Sn: hungry!!!!
1 glass smoothie
made from:
-1 banana
-1/2 orange
-1/2 small container raspberries
-1.5 dates
-a squirt agave
-filtered water

Dinner: hungry early!!!!!
3/4 cup of lentils
1/2 cup quinoa
several cups of wilted spinach
2 oz of raw cheese
1 raw stuffed date
3 raw coconut almond treats

Binge:
*2 sheets Nori with 4 oz raw salty cashew cheeze spread on
*1/2 cup lima beans mixed with veggies and a little butter
*1/4 cup quinoa
*2 cups gluten free pasta with veggies and sauce
*2 raw coconut almond treats
_ _ _ _

WATER
Besides smoothies, only had 40 oz today.

EXERCISE
I had planned to do water walking and to take a walk with Cliff. But, I never did any formal exercise, but cleaned all day. Cleaned the kitchen and dining room. The living room is almost done. This was sort of exercise.

SINGING
I had what I thought was a good practice early in the day, but I'm not so sure how good it actually was. I need to begin recording myself. I'm working on the "Inneggiamo" from Cavelleria Rusticana for Easter Sunday. Reminders - Don't let consonants interrupt the flow of the line. Don't let consonants pull the larynx up. Feel kvetch in stomach = support. Relax mouth/jaw.

BODY AWARENESS
My legs felt bloated and stiff early in the day. My right knee felt tender. I felt a little lacking in energy today, but motivated to clean. Later in the day, I felt very bloated from salt as I unwittingly used a lot in the lentils. SALT: I am attracted to salt in a destructive way. When i've gotten too much of it and feel the effects (bloated legs), I go to it in a self destructive way. The cashew cheese is so salty and it's the first thing I targeted on a binge.

MENTAL & EMOTIONAL:
Early in the day: Thinking thoughts of healing, yet aware of the automatic negative tapes that are still there. I wanted to eat compulsively this morning, but didn't. Listened to the Meditation CD instead.

Later in the day: Cleaning was difficult, challenging. Was it because it uncovered the silence, the quiet, where my fears and negative voice can be heard?

Why do i clutter? What purpose does it serve? Cleaning away the clutter brought up painful emotions and my M.O. is to head to the food, which i did, even though i listened to that Weightloss Meditation all day.

Marianne Williamson makes a good point, she says that success doesn't come right away, that it can take time. I need to pray more over my food and stay focused.

Anyway, i ate most of the binge meal in plain view of Cliff who didn't know what i was doing, that i had eaten dinner earlier. This was an extended 2nd dinner.

I ended up crying to him later about some things bothering me, we talked for a long, long while in bed before falling asleep about The Secret, about our own conceptions of self esteem and if we feel we deserve the best things in life, we voiced our dreams and we each gave 10 things we dream our life could be.

MY DREAMS:
1) my body to return to it's natural beauty, no stretchmarks or cellulite or obesity
2) my voice to reach it's highest potential and to have a singing career
3) to have a beautiful home i'm proud of
4) to have 5 million dollars
5) to travel around the world
6) to have at least a daughter and to raise my child/ren in a nature setting with Cliff away from the things of man, like on an island in Fiji, no television, nothing destructive to children
7) to get hair transplants
8) to have great intense soul-connecting sex daily
9) to get my lazy eye fixed
10) To never be a compulsive eater again.

Earlier in the day: Turning to the Williamson CD instead of compulsively eating brings out this profound sadness and mourning. This, I know, is good, is progress. The wrong spirit that hungers for the food is dying.

Later in the day: I felt down all afternoon. I had trouble cleaning. I didn't feel like it. And i didn't feel like exercising. And I kept finding stuff I didn't want to confront, stuff i bury, in clutter. Alot of papers and stuff i threw away, but i just have too much stuff. What do i do with all of this STUFF? Memories flood back ticked off from things I found. I became more and more upset. When Cliff came home, I talked it all out with him and felt better. A few tears and oila', better. I was aware that the raw dessert treats I had were eaten in a compulsive state. I didn't feel good and wanted to feel better. The real release came later. Not too much damage done.

Much later in the day: Things unraveled with the food. So, i see it had been a hard day that led up to it, already.

What food serves me? Marianne asks that we rid our pantries if we can of all foods that no longer serve us or we know are unhealthy for us. This is a really loaded request. How do i know what is unhealthy for me? I love beans, but can easily binge on them. Does that mean they are unhealthy for me? Is all cooked food unhealthy for me? I had a binge on raw cashew cheeze. Are nuts and salt and garlic unhealthy for me? It depends on who you ask. Ask a psychologist and they would encourage you to eat normally what you binge on. Ask a Weight Watchers leader and they would encourage you to eat a variety of foods in moderation. Ask a fruitarian and they'd agree anything cooked and anything gourmet raw is bad for me.

Unfortunately, i have all of this past with food, with guilt over food, an enormous conflict of feelings of entitlement with food, it is my right to eat what i like, feeling guilty when i turn to foods that I know one group objects to.

What is healthy for me? The truth is, is that fruitarian is very hard to binge on. Something in me last night felt convicted to get rid of all of the cooked and to do fruitarian.

But today, I don't know what i'll do. I feel more entitled now. I'm more angry, upset that i have to be in this position, where fucking beans could be considered unhealthy. I know many people who DO believe they are unhealthy, but the majority of the world doesn't. ARE THEY?

And what is the CAUSE of binge eating? Marianne says compulsive eating is based in FEAR. She does mention that there ARE TRIGGER FOODS.

What are my trigger foods? I would have to agree that i'm experiencing a lot of FEAR about what are the correct foods for me are, and a deep disturbing questioning regarding what my trigger foods are.

It's a distinct possibility that this undercurrent of upset was running through me all day.

Marianne asks that we lay our hands on EVERYTHING in our cubbards and FRIDGE/FREEZER and ask God to bless these foods and to direct us if they are best for us and to ask ourselves if this food serves us and to notice HOW it FEELS to HOLD that food.

I know that a bag of potato chips is BAD for me. I get that. I don't have anything like that in the house. We cleaned out EVERYTHING after we started Anna Inez's plan. We have no junk food.

So, now i am left with this dilemma of asking chick peas if they are good for me. And you know what? I don't want to!

I'm experiencing resistance to her teachings. Good to notice it.

I'm going to walk into "Love Kitchen" right now (i decided to name my kitchen) and ask it to bless me, ask the Angels to bless and watch over me today as Marianne directs, ask all of the foods in it if they are best for me, or not.

Should be interesting, at least.

ps. I did feel kind of hungry last night since my meals were light all day, but the binge was brought on by emotions. I was definitely seeking comfort in food, rather than turning to God. I'm going to have to learn to do that in a highly emotional state, which i was in yesterday.

All things said, a binge on quinoa and gluten free pasta and germinated nut/coconut treats is a VASTLY different thing that binges I've had on fried fish and mozzerella sticks and entire sticks of butter and cheese hoagies and french fries and onion rings. It's a different thing. And i should pat myself on the back for that instead of beat myself up over it.

I'm also anxious and fearful about Monday. I'm supposed to get weighed and I'm scared. So, maybe i won't weigh myself. Maybe i'll wait until I'm sure I weigh less. When it is more obvious.

I've still done quite a bit of exercise this week, i ate lots of healthy things, had alot of self control, got done things I had to. All in all, i should chalk this up to a good week.

SPIRITUAL: Listening to the CD all morning while I clean and cook. Praying all day with Marianne.

CLEANING: Did all of dishes. Straightened kitchen. Goal: straighten dining and living room. Cliff will vacume. Gather laundry. Cliff will put laundry in. Straighten hallway downstairs and upstairs. Working on it.

ORGANIZING: Another day, begin working on one room at a time to organize. Begin to clear out / organize / gather into bags from storage rooms on 2nd floor. Also, gather books and storage items on 3rd floor that have accumulated since my work with Megan last year! In the coming days and weeks, take gathered bags to take to Salvation Army to donate, or sell them on Craigs list.

Good news! Vicky, my friend from The Secret class, said she is happy to help me organize. She said, "I have a passion for organizing other people's things." I said, "What do you charge?" She answered, "Nothing." I said, "Hallelujah. Give me your number!"

I've not only gained physical weight on my body, but I've gained the weight and burden of more items in my house than I need. It all goes hand in hand! By ridding myself of things that no longer serve me, I'll be losing those weights as well! If i can make some money from my stuff, so be it! If it can bless others, hallelujah!

xoxo michelle joy