DAY THREE of RETREAT AT HOME!!!

* I won't be online for the next few days as our computer needs to be repaired. See you when we get it back!

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Monday Weigh-In: 356.5 lbs

Highest Weight: 425 lbs

Total Weight Loss: 68.5 lbs, YAY! I'm celebrating SUCCESS from now on!

GOAL: To lose 60 lbs by May 7, 2011, putting my total weight loss back at 128.5 lbs.

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FOOD LOG - Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'll be updating this throughout the day!

Br: blueberry, raspberry shake with date and banana

Snack: 2 pears

Ln:
1 cup mashed potato with a little butter, mixed with raw red pepper chunks
steamed mixed veggies
large spinach salad with mushrooms, onions and red pepper
a little raw dressing

YUM! And Listening to the "A Course in Weightloss" MEditation CD while eating is an unreal experience. This is the end of binge eating. This is the answer.

Snack: hungry!!
Yummy smoothie
Ingredients:
1/2 large banana

1.5 fresh mango

1 pear

3 strawberries

1/2 small container raspberries

some agave

filtered water

Snack: HUNGRY and it's 4:00pm, not really time for dinner yet...
Soup
1/2 jar fat free Borscht (cabbage, tomato)
with fresh mushrooms and fresh spinach mixed in

Dinner: hungry!!
2.5 baked tuna patties
the rest of the soup I had earlier
1/2 can of chick peas

Snack: while making cliff's lunch for tomorrow, 2 tastes of gluten free pasta with sauce and veggies.

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AFFIRMATIONS
I noticed and experienced some negative emotions pop up today, so instead of dwelling on them or giving in to them, i've decided to turn them into Affirmations. For instance, i felt fearful i'm going to binge if i taste while cooking. But, i realized it had no hold on me. It's a OLD fear from the OLD me. God has made me NEW and washed me clean. Writing these affirmations has been extraordinarily helpful to me in getting through my day. I hope they resonate with you as well.

Affirmation 1: I feel no shame, no guilt, no judgement, no self condemnation, no FEAR about what i've eaten today. I know that God is in charge of me now and that I am a new creature, being TRANSFORMED and HEALED with every meal I eat.

Affirmation 2: I have trust that what I'm doing will heal my body, spirit, soul and mind. I do not need to weigh myself more than 1x week to "see if this is working." I trust in the process.

Affirmation 3: I no longer binge eat. I eat from a place of peace and love. The 'A Course in Weightloss' Meditation CD is reprogramming my mind.

Affirmation 4: I have a healthy eating and exercise plan I can stick with. I lose weight at a comfortable pace. I stick with my plan long term. I can do this!

Affirmation 5: My life is turning around. It takes only ONE DAY to change the pattern. ONE DAY! (I went from sedentary and binge eating....to active and inspired to eat healthfully and exercise.) I can do this today. I did this yesterday. I can do this for the rest of my life. I follow through. I have stick-to-it-ive-ness. I am strong. I persevere.

Affirmation 6: The time i am spending now on taking care of myself, on writing, processing my emotions, preparing healthful meals, and on exercise, is worth it. Many wonderful things are going to come out of this!

Affirmation 7: I am grateful for the time away from fulltime work to work on myself, process my emotions, increase my fitness, better my diet, and bring more organization to my home. Only God can help me with all of this.

Affirmation 8: I receive money abundantly through cooking jobs, singing jobs, and selling things on Craigslist that served me at one point, and now other people are happy to receive.

Affirmation 9: I see now the wisdom of setting goals and why I was always afraid to set them before - FEAR OF FAILURE. Today I affirm that I do the BEST i can each and every day and that I feel pride and satisfaction from accomplishing goals to the best of my ability.

Affirmation 10: Tasting food while cooking is an activity that I control and feel at peace with.

Thank you, God, for helping me turn my life around!
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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

THE "O-METER" SECTION
Gauges how i do day-to-day in the important stuff that will help me keep my food on track... I edit these over the course of the day...

SCAL-0-meter: I weigh myself every Monday morning, 1x/week, which i did yesterday.

MOV-o-meter: goal of 2 hours/day

- I took a walk with Cliff (60 mins). Lovely, but challenging, lots of hills!
- I did 13 mins of the Bellydancing video.
My goal of 2 hours a day I'm going to stick with, but acknowledge I won't always be able to meet it. I'm tired tonight. And tomorrow and Friday, I work all day. I'll do what I can do, but won't feel guilty, fearful or ashamed. I feel proud to do what i can. And 2 hours when i can do it will lead me closer to my goal.

CLEAN-o-meter: LOW! Not doin' too good on the cleaning! Oh, well! There's always tomorrow!

NEG-o-meter: Feelin' a little bit of fear today. Writing out the affirmations in positive language (no no's or nots) REALLY RELIEVED alot of the fear, wow!!! This shit works!

SECRET-o-meter: Feeling positive. Read some of the 'A Course in Weightloss' this morning to brainwash myself. Seems to be working!

SING-o-meter: I'm seriously seriously distressed about what my new teacher is teaching me and how my old teacher taught me. I like the old way better, yet i acknowledge the new way has it's merits. I listened to the Macbeth video and i wasn't happy with how i sounded. I was really dissappointed. I'm either in a process that is not complete yet, or I just need to practice more with the recorder what my new teacher is teaching me, or I just need to get a new teacher. I'm trying to figure this out. It weighs on me. My old teacher is in NYC now and i don't have the money to see her. Maybe i could go see her once a month??? That's an idea!!! I can afford that, but only if i stop the teacher i'm seeing now. I have a few singing jobs lined up and now i'm really worried about them because i feel i'm not sounding good. And i deserve to.

I had a good singing practice after writing. I'm focusing on keeping my larynx down.

MUSIC-o-meter: I'm tellin' ya, i'm rockin' OUT to that Bellydancing video with Veena and Neena. The music is FAB!!! Lovin' it!

NEGLECT-o-meter: Cliff is sweet lately. That's nice! The better I do, the happier and more loving he is. Interesting!

GOD-o-meter: Listened to 'A Course in Weightloss' Meditation CD while i was in the kitchen several times today.

FEEL-o-meter: Feel happy, how nice!

FRUSTR-0-meter: Frustrated all day with pee-ing alot! I wish we had a bathroom downstairs!!! Up and down to pee, uy! And in the middle of the night! The positive side is I'm releasing water.

BOD-o-meter: My knees feel like tight rubberbands, i guess, from all of this sudden working out. It concerns me, but doesn't 'hurt.' As far as body image goes, i don't think i look any thinner, which concerns my eating disordered mind, but my healthy mind knows what i'm doing is good for me and it feels good and will produce results. I have to just trust. When i look at myself in the mirror today, i accept myself and don't call myself names or put hate into what i see, i've been working on THAT for a long time, but, evenso, it's shocking to see how fat i've gotten. My mind is more in thin mode now. I feel like i used to feel 100 lbs thinner and being at the gym and expecting to see myself the way i used to look at the gym is a shock. But i think that's progress. I think this is what Williamson talks about how the inner has to change and then the outer will change. My inner is definitely changing. I feel like i've lost 100 lbs on the inside, but my body just hasn't caught up yet. If i trust and just follow through, it WILL!

HUNG-o-meter: Wasn't that hungry for breakfast. Mostly thirsty. Now that it's getting later, 11am, i feel HUNGRY!!!!!! Maybe some water will help, or i'll have some fruit. I was so hungry after our walk, we shared a shake. I was sooo hungry before dinner! I feel satisfied tonight. Time for bed!

COMP-EAT-o-meter: Affirmation: "Self control, self discipline, focus, planning, following through are GREAT gifts today. Thank you, God, the source of all GOOD." I have not eaten compulsively today.

AQUA-o-meter - (GOAL 100 oz H2O daily, in addition to smoothies): drank 55 oz so far. 100? uy. I pee so much as it is. I suppose i'm getting lots of fluids from the smoothies, too. Maybe 100 oz a day EXCLUDING smoothies was too tall an order. That's a lot of water in addition to smoothies.

CREAT-o-meter: Need to keep my eye on doing creative things as an outlet. Who has time for creative things when preparing meals and exercising and cleaning the kitchen have to be done??? I'm overwhelmed as it is!

EXPRESS-o-meter: Boy, this daily logging is extraordinarily helpful. I'm not only communicating, i'm monitoring myself. That's freakin' powerful.

HONEST-o-meter: Haven't lied to myself yet today!

FOODLOG-o-meter: I logged all of my meals today!

STICKTOTHEPLAN-o-meter: I'm trying to be on the ball, but also allow for flexibility and not feel guilty about it. I'm working on trusting.

SPEED-o-meter (how fast I eat): Bkfst - medium, hard to drink shakes slowly / Lunch - medium / Dinner - medium. I was so hungry today it was hard to slow down.

Affirm-o-meter: Good! Did some meaningful affirmations above.

GRATITUD-O-METER - Still feeling grateful for feeling motivated again and grateful to be on track. Thank you, God!


xoxox michelle joy