PRESERVATIVES, PEEING, AND PAYING ATTENTION

Okay, time to analyze.

Thanks, Sari, for your comment! Sari is encouraging me to do what's best for me, and I appreciate that! I'm not sure if it's a U.S. thing to want to be a raw vegan! I think since that's how I established this blog, it is called "Pure RAW Joy," it nags at me that i'm going against the grain now. I did seem to generate many more comments and much more interest when i was doing the Dr. Graham thing. That seemed much more popular than what i'm doing now.

I, for one, am finding THIS journey FASCINATING on a very intimate level. I'm actually figuring out what works best for me and my body! Weren't you sick of me seeking out every last Guru available for counseling and direction?????? This is SO much better!

So, I weighed myself this morning, 316. I'm coming down, naturally. THAT is exciting!

I've awoken with an allergic reaction to something i ate last night at the hospital and I'm so curious about it and want to write about it and about my food day!

So, we were at the hospital, and knowing we'd be in the E.R. for a LONG haul, we packed a giant bag of fruit, which was ironic, because the day before I'd mentioned in my blog how carrying a 10lb bag of fruit was a hassle and i was so glad to be free of that, yet, it was a very handy, healthy way to deal with the 12 hour E.R. stay. So, dad and I snacked on fruit whenever we got hungry, which seemed to be often because we hadn't had a heavy lunch. I'd only eaten some low-salt homemade veggie soup i'd just made, all fresh and yummy.

So, i'm peeing like crazy all afternoon, and my mom, laying in the E.R. gurney keeps saying to me, "Did you take a water pill? Why are you going so much?" I only took a water pill that one time I talked about it, last week. I guess the constant flow of peepee was from the fruit! Fruit is mostly water and so cleansing and purifying! My body was liking it. My body was saying, "Ahh, i can let go now..." I generally hold so much water.

So, paying attention, I noticed my belly felt nice all afternoon from eating fruit, and even though i didn't necessarily "want" a clementine or a pear, which i really "didn't!!!," I found them utterly delicious upon eating them and thoroughly enjoyed them. THAT was an interesting and telling experience!!!

In this whole game of "eat what you want," where does "eat what you know is good for you" come into it? It's a confusing process. Parents often have their children eat what's good for them instead of what they want. Children always want crap, but if they offer them healthy early in their rearing, children often want healthy. So, do we need to do this with ourselves? How does that work in the whole Geneen Roth-type of "demand" eating or "legalization"?

Anyway, now i can't wait to eat all the fruit we have at home, again. The fruit we got at Wegmans is SO good! Nice, organic and juicy big fat red pears and juicy clementines.

So, i'm peeing and peeing all afternoon. It even surprised me. It was like a pee an hour.

All i'd eaten that day was cantaloupe for breakfast, the homemade veggie soup for early lunch and now fruit, fruit, fruit.

So, we're in the E.R. 8 hours, 9 hours, 10 hours. It's maddening, the waiting. I keep peeing, and then i'm starting to run low on fruit and frankly want to want a meal. I keep asking myself, "Are you hungry yet for a meal?" The answer kept coming back, "No." It was so bizarre. I wasn't really prepared for that negative answer. I didn't have a sense of hunger for anything in particular and really wasn't hungry at all, but hadn't eaten much all day, and WANTED to eat. I was mostly tired as I'd been up from 5a.m. Hungry for a meal, i was not.

Close to 9pm, i finally said to myself, "Maybe if i go to the cafeteria, i'll see something i'll want and i'll get hungry."

In the cafeteria, i don't think i was hungry, but decided to eat. I scanned the offerings to see what looked appealing and desirable to me. Hotdogs? Baked fish? Cooked Veggies? French fries and hot sandwhiches? Creamy soups, like i used to love there? The pizza, which is really good there? Green Leaf lettuce! Kapow! My eyes just went toward green!

I made myself up a nice BIG salad, even though i had no real appetite. Not a good parent. Still learning.

I wasn't sure if i wanted a protein on it. I was debating. It was hard to tell if i wanted it or didn't. I didn't know WHAT i wanted. Did i want anything? I figured eggsalad would taste good. And i enjoy the crunch of some sunflower seeds, so i sprinkled those on top.

Choosing a dressing felt like torture. What did i want??? I didn't know! Balsamic? French? Italian? After looking at each one like 3x, it felt like an eternity, no sure answer came, and people probably thought i was nuts. I looked like a crazy person there looking at every dressing choice repeatedly. I picked Ranch, because i always like Ranch.

After 3 bites of dinner, which tasted so delicious, the intense flavor left, and I wanted to stop. But how could i stop? I'd just paid 8$ for this thing? My mind was going a mile a minute. What do i do????

The Weigh Down Workshop teaches to lose weight "eating what you want," but stop when the flavor leaves. They teach demand eating...eating as many times a day as you need to, little portions. Dr. Graham, however, was trying to teach me to eat more substantial meals and less frequency of eating. All of this is going in my head.

I decided to finish the salad. Eating when the flavor has left is not as enjoyable as eating when it tastes the best.

Then i wanted to have a little icecream, too. It was a VERY small serving and i did enjoy it.

For a little while, i didn't know how to feel about my dinner. Did i just do something bad? But I decided i'd just had a normal meal, so i should get over it, and i did. The world didn't come crashing down.

Walking back to the ER, I noticed my belly didn't feel that great. It had felt better when i ate the fruit. Interesting to notice and kind of annoying. Why does it annoy me to find i feel good on fruit? Isn't this legalization supposed to be about eating what you want? What am i supposed to listen to? My head or my body or both? And what about AFTER i eat, isn't that just as important? Aren't i supposed to consider that into the picture as well?

When i got back to my mom's cubicle, i noticed I felt my ankles swelling. I thought i was crazy. I didn't choose anything overly salty. No pickles, olives.

When i got into bed last night, my ankles felt really swollen. And when i awoke, they STILL felt swollen.

I got up this morning to go to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and so was my face! Something REALLY swelled me, like an allergic reaction! Come to think of it, after the salad, I had felt almost an immediate swelling of the ankles! What was THAT about? Was it because i'd eaten no salt all day? No, i'd had salt in the homemade soup at home. Was it because of all of the fruit? I've had days where i've eaten fruit most of the day and that didn't happen.

I wonder if they sprinkle some sort of preservative on the salad or use some sort of preservative on the eggsalad, especially since it is hospital food and needs to sit out for hours and hours, until 2am when the cafeteria closes???

Even after INDIAN food the other night, i didn't get swollen, even when i expected to!!!!

Another observation: I noticed that my cold seemed better after all of the fruit. Was that a coincidence, or was it the power of raw, of fruit?

I wondered this morning if i'm prolonging my cold by eating cooked. I've been sick for 2 weeks.

This is a process of self-awareness and self-discovery. I feel blessed to be able to participate in this journey, and I pray that i learn to read the signs and make the best decisions for myself based on my personal experience. This is not easy, but I'm hangin' in. All in all, it was a good food day: cantaloupe, veggie soup, fruit, and salad and a little icecream.

I'm making progress.

xoxo michelle joy