The GREY Zone...MODERATION!!!

I can't believe how late it is! 2:15a.m.

Cliff is sleeping. And i'm feeling semi wide awake.

We did somethin' nuts tonight....we went to the movies and stayed for a triple feature!!! We watched "The Hangover," "The Proposal," and "Angels and Demons."

I'm having a hard time mentally processing my food today...and being 'okay' with it. Isn't that CaRayZEE???? Boy, it's really apparent i have an eating disordered brain.

When i follow a certain plan, say, 80-10-10, and follow it perfectly, there is a certain....peace in that, i never have to second think anything, i never have to feel guilty about anything.

When i binge, it's such an overblown event that there's a certain peace in that, too.

But, a day like today, kind of 'moderating', living in the 'grey' is curiously COMPLICATED for me.

After recognizing there have been weeks in my past blogging where i ate many many bananas, i kinda just went with WANTING more bananas and, so, i did that.

Then, at my moms house, i was so hungry. I really felt like having a salad. All she had was iceberg lettuce. And i wanted dressing on it, so i moderated, took only a tiny bit of olive oil, no salt, lime, herbs, a few spritzes of balsamic vinegar. It was good. But i was still starving. I had some raw Lydia's crackers at my moms, i wanted them, so i ate half a bag, which turned out to be 3 servings worth, 150 cals each serving. Not too terrible.

Then WHY did i have such a tremendously difficult time just SITTING with all of this moderation and having it be OKAY?

There is such an intense desire to binge.

WHY?

It occurs to me that listening to myself, feeding my desires is frightening to me. Listening to somebody else and what they think i should do (80-10-10) takes away alot of the responsibility for me to be 'in touch' and 'in tune'.

If i want something and i eat it, my problem is, i'm never really sure WHICH voice i am listening to. The voice of REASON. Or the VOICE of destruction.

I second guess myself the rest of the night. Feel an irresistable urge to do harm. And have a really difficult time having 'moderation' and the 'grey' zone just be OKAY.

I feel like i'm letting myself and everyone else down. Like if i don't lose 15 lbs a week, i'm a failure. If i don't deny myself every last pleasure, i'm a failure.

I so admired watching Angela at the raw wedding eating her dinner slowly, savoring it. I scarf mine up so i can get more. Where is her guilt? Where is her empty pit, like my empty pit?

What is so frightening about pleasure? Experiencing pleasure? Why can't i enjoy it, and have that be ENOUGH?

All night at the movies, i was in and out of the bathroom. That 'D' i had last night and this morning continued all day! My stomach was gurgling like crazy and i kept having 'D'. But, since i was in the bathroom so much, i kept looking at myself in the mirror, and today i looked so GOOD to myself. Everytime i looked!

It was like, i half expected, the skies to fall down and the walls to cave in from what i ate today. OOOOoooooh, evil olive oil and raw crackers!!! YIKES!!!

You know, there was a day when ALL raw foods were LEGAL to me. I ate at raw restaurants sometimes as much as 5x a week when i was in San Diego at the raw retreat. I didn't KNOW any better then. I thought, heck, if it's raw, it's LEGAL!!!!

I think working at Arnolds Way and hearing Arnold preach about 80-10-10, plus my extreme abuse of the more fattening raw foods at Arnolds Way really kind of gave me a phobia. GOOD raw food is in ONE CATEGORY....and BAD raw food....is ALL THE WAY on the opposite side.

Eating those crackers tonight, i was like, dang, they ARE good. But, then i kept having to check in with myself. I kept feeling guilty. Kept feeling like bingeing.

I decided to write about it instead.

I think it's just....FEAR.

If i'm going to aim to NOT binge, being really strict suddenly doesn't seem all that appealing day in and day out. I was suprised at my choices today because they were not in line with what i've been doing. But, if what i've been doing has been keeping the binging alive, isn't it better to live in the world of moderation? And just learn to SIT with it?

It's definitely forcing me to go 'inside' and 'check' in with myself a whole lot more. I don't know if that's good or bad. It just 'is'.

I didn't walk today either. Can that be 'okay' as well?

I mean, what am i on, a RACE?

I swear, i am so lucky, i've been receving the most wonderful emails from so many of you and some advice i got tonight was saying, 'what's the rush?' 'can't you just STAY 250 for a while and ENJOY it?'

You know, i suppose i really COULD. I AM enjoying how i've been looking, my face looks good, my clothes look good. What the hell IS the rush afterall?????? Is that what my binge was trying to tell me????

When i started this blog, i set out to make peace with gourmet raw food and to stop bingeing, but also to lose more weight.

Can i EAT Lydia's crackers.....(a 'bad' thing) AND take a walk tomorrow (a 'good' thing)??? Can BAD and GOOD coexist?????? Or is there only GOOD FRUIT and walking. And BAD CRACKERS and NOT WALKING????

God, i yearn to be the kind of person that can take raw treats, enjoy them, and say, "ahhh, i've had enough", to enjoy a walk, to be filled with raw joy, to enjoy what life has to offer. That doesn't seem like the kind of person who would binge, does it?

I may have to keep my focus HERE for the next few days and see where this leads me. I don't think i can listen to EVERY yen and desire i have. I think i have to really operate from hunger and satiety, and just keep checking in and asking myself, 'am i hungry for that? or do i just want it?'

I experienced a lot of ANXIETY tonight about what i ate. How nuts. But maybe it will be a little frightening for a while to live in the grey zone...and then i'll get used to it. Can i actually HAVE some gourmet treats .....and still LOSE WEIGHT?????????? Shit, that would be cool.

I received the nicest email from a girl who is doing just that. Losing ALOT of weight and eating some gourmet.

I KNOW, i used to do it!!!! I don't really know how it became soooooo off limits and frightening to me. I suppose my out of control subsequent behavior with it fills me with FEAR that that's where i'll take it.

But, maybe i don't NEED to do that. Don't NEED to take it to the extreme. Can i moderate gourmet raw food? And still lose weight? And still exercise? And still eat fruit and green smoothies and do all the good things STILL too?

Let's see!