Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425
Beginning Blog Weight: 277
FRIDAY, June 26, 2009 WEIGH IN (new weeekly weigh in day): 250 lbs
Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 4 weeks! (i was mistaken that it was 5 weeks, this is the fifth week)
NEW GOAL: 249 - only 1 lb away!!
TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Hello, my dears! Here was my day!
FOOD/ACTIVITY
Pre-Bkfast: 1 very large herbal iced tea
Exercise: 50 minute walk to town and back. What a fun treat to walk myself to the supermarket, buy a few things, meet up with Cliff and have him motorcycle my purchases home while i walked home. Empowering!
Breakfast: 2 big glasses of dark green smoothie. I drank 1/2 of this entire amount: 5 bananas, 1 tray of icecubes, 1 big head of dark green dinosaur kale, 1/2 cup water in vitamix.
Lunch: zucchini spaghetti with tomato/red pepper sauce with fresh basil and cilantro and 1 heaping Tbsp of nutrtional yeast. Chocolate 'ice cream': 3 frozen bananas, 1 tsp of cashew butter, agave, 2 heaping tsp of raw cacao powder in Vitamix
Snack: rest of green smoothie
Dinner: left over zucchini spaghetti with tomato/red pepper sauce with fresh basil and cilantro. Black raspberry pudding: 3 frozen bananas, 1/2 tub of black raspberries, glurg of agave, 1/4 cup of water in Vitamix. yum.
Moderation is an EXPERIENCE
I'm freeer with the bananas and am eating them basically whenever i like, and it's nice! I didn't experience any GUILT today and actually felt quite a surge of HAPPINESS to be doing this new focus on living in the GREY and being more MODERATE with my diet in an attempt to stop BINGE eating for good. Instead of fits of very extreme DIETING followed by insane raw food BINGES.
MAYBE I'LL LOSE MORE BY "TREATING" MYSELF MORE FREQUENTLY!!!
I don't know WHAt those extra bananas will do to my weight this week, but having the focus SHIFT to DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO TO NOT BINGE rather than QUICK WEIGHTLOSS has drastically changed not only my behavior, but my outlook. I realize that in MODERATING, i may actually lose MORE WEIGHT than i would have had i succumbed to insane out of control BINGES. Then last binge had me ingesting the equivalent of 5 or so entire gourmet raw meals. If in moderating my intake, i take in LESS than that, but actually ENJOY it, savor it, feel good about it and exercise and make great choices as well, i may actually ULTIMATELY lose MORE weight than i would had i given into binge eating.
DEPRIVATION/BINGEING
Also, I really SAW, WITNESSED that extreme deprivation CAUSED a binge at work. I SO WANTED to have something a little comforting, such as a whip or a banana smoothie, and had i ALLOWED myself that, i may very well have averted that last binge just a few days ago.
GOURMET CONSIDERATIONS, CHECKING IN & MAKING DECISIONS
Today as i drove home from my singing rehearsal (i have a performance on Wednesday), i was hungry. I considered driving 30 mins to Whole Foods to pick up a raw gourmet "Awesome Foods" pre-made entree. http://www.awesomefoods.com/ We sell "Awesome Foods" at Arnolds Way and they are definitely in the 'treat' category as they are rather high in salt and fat, but many of them are totally yummo. I truly considered driving to get one. Then i considered how it would be hard to chose just ONE because usually when i eat these entrees, it is usually a binge. I don't remember ever just chosing ONE and having that be OKAY or enough or have it end there. That will be an interesting exercise one of these days to just get ONE and have to SIT with that!!!!!!!!!!
i thought of the pesto pizza, it's good, mine is better, but it's good. It is VERY rich, however. And i thought of the very salty flax crackers which are a real favorite and i thought of the jicama 'sourcream' and chive chips and i wanted them all.
Then i thought of my bloated fingers this morning from the Lydia's crackers and how i'd be ever MORE bloated from the salty flax crackers or a salty entree. I am a salt FANATIC, and having LAID OFF OF SALT almost COMPLETELY for the last 4 weeks has taught me to 1) get used to salt free food and 2) love not being bloated. I retain water INSANELY.
Then i thought about the fat/salt free spaghetti i had leftover at home. i enjoyed it for lunch, so decided to have the rest for dinner. I made myself another banana based dessert and enjoyed it. I was hungry!
My problems with Reflux Laryngitis also crossed my mind tonight in considering an 'Awesome Foods' dinner. As they are fatty, they aggrivate my reflux. Since i have to sing a concert on Wednesday, i thought it best not to aggrivate my vocal cords from reflux.
Checking in like this was interesting. I don't think i was doing so much of this before.
So, i ended up having extra bananas today, 1 tsp of cashew butter, agave a few times, cacao, and no salt. That was a very 'GOOD' but slightely more moderate day i have been having. And i had a walk. So, i'm livin' in the GREY zone, baby!!! Today felt totally light GREY. The day with the crackers was MEDIUM grey. If i'd have an 'Awesome Foods' entree, or a cheesesteak at Arnolds Way, that would be DARK GREY and i'd have to do a LOT of SELF CALMING i think to just SIT with that and not allow it to escalate to a binge. Isn't that NUTS??????!!!!!!
LETTERS FROM WOMEN
Sooooo many of you are writing in with binge eating advice, stories, experience. I'd love to share with you all what i have been reading and what these fine women are experiecing and sharing.
Beginning Blog Weight: 277
FRIDAY, June 26, 2009 WEIGH IN (new weeekly weigh in day): 250 lbs
Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 4 weeks! (i was mistaken that it was 5 weeks, this is the fifth week)
NEW GOAL: 249 - only 1 lb away!!
TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Hello, my dears! Here was my day!
FOOD/ACTIVITY
Pre-Bkfast: 1 very large herbal iced tea
Exercise: 50 minute walk to town and back. What a fun treat to walk myself to the supermarket, buy a few things, meet up with Cliff and have him motorcycle my purchases home while i walked home. Empowering!
Breakfast: 2 big glasses of dark green smoothie. I drank 1/2 of this entire amount: 5 bananas, 1 tray of icecubes, 1 big head of dark green dinosaur kale, 1/2 cup water in vitamix.
Lunch: zucchini spaghetti with tomato/red pepper sauce with fresh basil and cilantro and 1 heaping Tbsp of nutrtional yeast. Chocolate 'ice cream': 3 frozen bananas, 1 tsp of cashew butter, agave, 2 heaping tsp of raw cacao powder in Vitamix
Snack: rest of green smoothie
Dinner: left over zucchini spaghetti with tomato/red pepper sauce with fresh basil and cilantro. Black raspberry pudding: 3 frozen bananas, 1/2 tub of black raspberries, glurg of agave, 1/4 cup of water in Vitamix. yum.
Moderation is an EXPERIENCE
I'm freeer with the bananas and am eating them basically whenever i like, and it's nice! I didn't experience any GUILT today and actually felt quite a surge of HAPPINESS to be doing this new focus on living in the GREY and being more MODERATE with my diet in an attempt to stop BINGE eating for good. Instead of fits of very extreme DIETING followed by insane raw food BINGES.
MAYBE I'LL LOSE MORE BY "TREATING" MYSELF MORE FREQUENTLY!!!
I don't know WHAt those extra bananas will do to my weight this week, but having the focus SHIFT to DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO TO NOT BINGE rather than QUICK WEIGHTLOSS has drastically changed not only my behavior, but my outlook. I realize that in MODERATING, i may actually lose MORE WEIGHT than i would have had i succumbed to insane out of control BINGES. Then last binge had me ingesting the equivalent of 5 or so entire gourmet raw meals. If in moderating my intake, i take in LESS than that, but actually ENJOY it, savor it, feel good about it and exercise and make great choices as well, i may actually ULTIMATELY lose MORE weight than i would had i given into binge eating.
DEPRIVATION/BINGEING
Also, I really SAW, WITNESSED that extreme deprivation CAUSED a binge at work. I SO WANTED to have something a little comforting, such as a whip or a banana smoothie, and had i ALLOWED myself that, i may very well have averted that last binge just a few days ago.
GOURMET CONSIDERATIONS, CHECKING IN & MAKING DECISIONS
Today as i drove home from my singing rehearsal (i have a performance on Wednesday), i was hungry. I considered driving 30 mins to Whole Foods to pick up a raw gourmet "Awesome Foods" pre-made entree. http://www.awesomefoods.com/ We sell "Awesome Foods" at Arnolds Way and they are definitely in the 'treat' category as they are rather high in salt and fat, but many of them are totally yummo. I truly considered driving to get one. Then i considered how it would be hard to chose just ONE because usually when i eat these entrees, it is usually a binge. I don't remember ever just chosing ONE and having that be OKAY or enough or have it end there. That will be an interesting exercise one of these days to just get ONE and have to SIT with that!!!!!!!!!!
i thought of the pesto pizza, it's good, mine is better, but it's good. It is VERY rich, however. And i thought of the very salty flax crackers which are a real favorite and i thought of the jicama 'sourcream' and chive chips and i wanted them all.
Then i thought of my bloated fingers this morning from the Lydia's crackers and how i'd be ever MORE bloated from the salty flax crackers or a salty entree. I am a salt FANATIC, and having LAID OFF OF SALT almost COMPLETELY for the last 4 weeks has taught me to 1) get used to salt free food and 2) love not being bloated. I retain water INSANELY.
Then i thought about the fat/salt free spaghetti i had leftover at home. i enjoyed it for lunch, so decided to have the rest for dinner. I made myself another banana based dessert and enjoyed it. I was hungry!
My problems with Reflux Laryngitis also crossed my mind tonight in considering an 'Awesome Foods' dinner. As they are fatty, they aggrivate my reflux. Since i have to sing a concert on Wednesday, i thought it best not to aggrivate my vocal cords from reflux.
Checking in like this was interesting. I don't think i was doing so much of this before.
So, i ended up having extra bananas today, 1 tsp of cashew butter, agave a few times, cacao, and no salt. That was a very 'GOOD' but slightely more moderate day i have been having. And i had a walk. So, i'm livin' in the GREY zone, baby!!! Today felt totally light GREY. The day with the crackers was MEDIUM grey. If i'd have an 'Awesome Foods' entree, or a cheesesteak at Arnolds Way, that would be DARK GREY and i'd have to do a LOT of SELF CALMING i think to just SIT with that and not allow it to escalate to a binge. Isn't that NUTS??????!!!!!!
LETTERS FROM WOMEN
Sooooo many of you are writing in with binge eating advice, stories, experience. I'd love to share with you all what i have been reading and what these fine women are experiecing and sharing.
FROM Ellen
"I had been a binge eater for most of my life, but not long after you and I had been [first] in touch [several years ago], which happened because we both shared the binging, I decided to just NOT diet any more and stopped weighing myself. I let myself eat everything that I wanted and GAINED a lot. This went on for over a year. I gained over 20 pounds.
Amazingly, ever since then, even though I do watch what I eat and focus on healthy organic and natural unprocessed foods now and lost the extra weight, I DON'T binge anymore. I overeat sometimes. But it's a different animal. Lost is the urgency to stuff and stuff and promising that I'll start again tomorrow. And I am continuing to lose weight. Very slowly, and I believe permanently. I'd like to weigh about 160. [I weigh 190 and am 5"11]. I think that's reasonable and even though I always felt I was fat at that weight, I think it is better to be comfortable and be able to eat normally. Starvation is my set up to binge."
From Talia
"I am so proud of you, you just don't know. I think it is a great idea that you are going to weigh in weekly instead of daily. Also, I think it is imperative that you allow yourself some "indulgences"...that way you won't feel so repressed and eventually may not even want those "indulgences"...but knowing that they are available if need be is going to prove to be very comforting in my opinion.
Please remember to be gentle on yourself and kind to yourself. We are always taught to be kind and considerate to others....but often times we overlook that we have to be kind to ourselves also. Love where you are right now and enjoy the
journey."
From Shawna
"Raw food is helping me gain a greater sense of recovery. However, like you, I am still learning what raw foods I am addicted to. I was so excited to find raw food because I thought I could eat everything and still be healthy and eating disorder free! That picture of the gorgeous Carol Alt on the cover of RAW 50 ( I think that is the name of the book), with a huge bowl of ice cream, is such a tease! Maybe a raw foodie without an eating disorder can eat that big bowl of raw ice cream, but not this one! I can just see the ice cream and whatever else I binged on swirling down the commode. . .a little graphic, but true!
I bet an alcoholic raw foodie cannot indulge in raw wine! I bet there is apart of an
alcoholics disease that tries to lie to them. . .tempting them to taste the wine. . .just as certain raw foods tempt a food addict. Maddening, huh!?! I want to eat that big bowl of raw ice cream and be free of the anxiety that would follow, but I am not that developed as of today. That's why I would love a raw food support group. One that wasn't telling me to eat cooked food and work through the discomfort! One that let each individual determine what they were physiologically addicted to. . .wouldn't that be awesome!
I don't even fully understand my disease. So it is hard to expect a non sufferer to
understand. Black and white addictions are easy to understand. . .ex. never drinking alcohol again. . .I am not saying they have an easier recovery process, just more black and white. We must eat every day for life. . .so we have to learn to moderate the very thing we abuse. . .not so black and white, is it?
I am happy you did not gain weight. Bodies are beautifully complex...maybe some in-ate wisdom was protecting you! Maybe God gave you grace because of all your hard work and giving through your blog. . .who knows? For me, I cannot weigh in daily! I am addicted to the scale. . .it could lead me to restrict which then leads me to binge. . .Honestly, I think daily weighing may be a little difficult on your spirit, simply because of the complexity of the human body. Maybe one day it decides to hold onto a little extra water weight, not because you had yummy namo shoyu the day before, just because of something in the cosmos. . .this could be upsetting. Maybe you don't gain weight even though you know you abused food. . .could this lead you to abuse again? Just some thoughts to ponder. When I was on the eating disorder clinic I got weighed in backwards in a hospital gown. As a result I still am scale leery. I try to focus on how I feel verses what the numbers lead me to feel. I become obsessed with numbers like demon. . .ya know how OCD food addicts can be!
I send you so many thanks. I thank God for finding your blog! At first I just wanted to read all about you, supporting and loving you as a fellow eating disorder sufferer, and not do any work on myself. I was hiding from myself seeking a false comfort from my eating disorder. I have bunches of muck to work through. Your strength and determination is inspiring! You are Joy!
I want to tell you I made it through my first 100% raw day yesterday! I even made through without a night time binge purge session! This is a huge leap for me! Today I must take things one minute at a time. . .I cannot let the eating disorder lie to me or comfort me. . . your blog helped me make this leap! I am sending you peace and love!"
From Glenda
"Thanks for the tips on how to go raw correctly. No wonder, I felt bad. I was going about it the wrong way. By the way, the fruit cup was one of those Del Monte naturals. I had purchased the Bolthouse [flash pasteurized juices] because I was desperate to try to get as near to raw as possible. Yes, you were right the Bolthouse was expensive. I won't be buying it anymore. Yes, again I was hungry grumpy and starving. I'll take up your idea of mostly fresh fruit and salads. Thanks for the idea of a big salad and then a tuna sandwich and the watermelons, I hadn't thought of that.
I've lost 10 pounds since I've last talked to you. I've also suffered the last 10 days with a terrible case of gout. It is finally abating so I can get to the doctor. I wonder if the gout was a part detoxing, since I haven't had gout in a while. I'm so happy that the cravings are becoming less and less. Watermelon has become my favorite friend along with pineapple and peaches. I eat one regular meal a day. I really feel good, in fact I feel great."
So grateful for all you! Want to hear from more of you!!! Thank you also for all of the COMMENTS! I hope to respond to them soon!!!! So sorry it's taking me so long!!!
xoxo michelle joy
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