TO BE OR NOT TO BE...THAT IS THE QUESTION

A wonderful supportive friend of mine, Karen, sent me this amazing affirmation:

"Thank you for the miracles that come my way when i postpone eating (when i am not hungry.)"

That is interesting that little part in quotes "when i am not hungry."

I had an episode last night of postponing eating when i was hungry. I was at Arnold's Way after my opera, and was very very hungry. I felt like a "cheezesteak," which was really really good and satisfying, but after, i wanted something more. I didn't know what. I was looking around Arnold's Way, considering my options. I wanted a peice of raw pie, but know it is very fatty and i have to sing again tonight. Best for me to eat fatty ealier for the sake of my reflux or not at all.

So, then my miracle came. Out from the kitchen walks Ronit, Arnold's daughter, who now works there, with a supersize green smoothie in her hand, and asked if i wanted it - it was extra and i could have it for free. My little miracle. It filled me, and it was a good lowfat choice! Thank you, God. It felt like a gift and like God took care of me.

A wonderful affirmation. Thank you, Karen! (p.s. Karen memorizes her affirmations, an astounding practice that is having remarkable results in her life, among other things like Eckhart Tolle's teachings).

Today i am one week raw, yay, but i had cooked food yesterday. It makes everything unsure now.

I'd left the house before the opera, full on a smoothie, but by the time we got to the performance area 45 mins later, Cliff was starving and so was I. Smoothies don't hold you that long if you drink "brunch" late. It was 1:30pm already and I was hungry prematurely according to my plans. Yes, I had almonds in my purse for such an occasion, but didn't 'feel' like almonds.

We were at Wendy's (the hamburger place). Cliff got a chicken sandwhich, and i, starving, didn't want another salad. Hm, a plain dry baked potato, on the other hand, which wasn't in the plan for my new raw diet, seemed like an excellent option at that time: low fat, energizing, whole food right before the opera.

It was delicious dry, no butter or salt and i had no guilt afterwards. Frankly, i forgot about it. I had dinner at Arnold's after the opera as I was still thinking "raw," and a smoothie before i went to bed, still on "raw" mode.

The problem is, now i woke up this morning and all i want is oatmeal. 5 mins i thought about it lying in bed. I woke up hungry. And for the last hour, i've written about it.

What will be the consequences? What other thing will i want next? Am i being sensible....listening to my body....or am i an addict?

It's hard to say. I don't know which it is.

What is this time about, this new decision for raw.... Is this for me to go raw 100%... Or is this a time for me to learn to eat raw and cooked "right" (low fat, whole foods, etc...) And who is running this ship, anyway?

I started to write again on the blog. Hello. i'm "raw" Michelle Joy again.

And suddenly, i don't know who i am, what to do, what i want, what is "right" for me.

Oatmeal never killed anyone, but what is next?

Am i walking into a hole again or am i making a safe informed decision?

I didn't know what to do, so i decided to just take my Vitamineral Green instead (a supplement I've been taking for like months...since i last blogged), and now i'm writing and haven't eaten yet and am still hungry.

I know some of you eat some cooked, and some of you do not. Writing again feels awesome, and i'm sure some of you will say some "healthy" cooked is FINE, but if i asked some others of you, 100% raw, you'd say, "Michelle, you are in danger!"

Am i? Or am i not?

The alcoholic who takes his first sip of wine. The compulsive eater who takes the first compulsive bite. The cooked food addict that had a taste of a delicious hot steaming baked potato and now wants MORE of that sort.

Isn't this all up to me and what i WANT??? Do i want raw? Do i want cooked? Do i want a combination? I'm really not sure what I want to do, and, well, i guess it is just up to me and i have to CHOOSE.

What do i want in this life? Is it my goal to be the next raw star? To finally get THIN writing my raw cookbooks and doing my raw videos? I thought it was, just a few days ago. Or am I the aspiring opera singer, the one who will sing at the MET? What IS this life of mine????

Friday, I was at Arnold's and i was thinking...i'll be dead soon. What do i want to leave this world? Some of my music will be nice, but what about raw? Don't i want to impact people after i'm dead? My books and videos will still be here. So will my blog. If i finally FIGURE this out, isn't that....like amazing? It seems like a good goal.

Then i get ooky about how raw sometimes feels like a CULT. Am i just BRAINWASHED??? What is the point of eating in such a way so that we can stay young when we are all dying daily anyway? I can get very philosophical about raw.

Wait, more to the point - IS RAW THE ANSWER TO CURING OBESITY AND BINGE EATING? OR NOT? That is REALLY why I'm here.

Some would say YES. Others who have overcome obesity and binge eating on cooked would say NO.

WHAT DO I SAY???

What do i WANT?

Anyway, to add to the matter, i spent 100$ at Arnolds last night buying my raw paraphernalia: nutritional yeast and seeds and almonds and nori, etc... I felt i needed to be more stocked and able to make my pleasant raw meals at home now that i was raw again, and to have something to work with so i am not tempted to eat cooked. (I'd forgotten about the potato, hm.) Is that evidence i can eat "healthy" cooked in the moment...and still go back to raw without fear/guilt/regret and without starting a binge?

I'd planned on soaking my seeds/nuts to make them lowfat and more digestible, better for my reflux, better for my weight. My goal was to do raw "better." Because raw can be VERY high fat. Actually, Dr. Fuhrman's diet, raw veggies and raw fruit...and cooked veggies and beans and only a LITTLE bit of nuts, etc... is probably the wisest/healthiest for reflux and weight....and NOT RAW: Nuts, oils, avocado in excess DO aggrivate my reflux. They do. And come on, they are HARD not to overdo.

Why does FOOD have to be so complicated?

I know using the word "better" is a judgement, Karen tells me. I wanted to do raw "better," I told her. I wanted to be more obedient to the things i have learned that improve raw food, I told her. I just wanted to do raw - in a newer way this time. I wanted to succeed.

Success can take many forms.

Does it have to be black/white, one or the other? Raw or not raw?

Unfortunately, with me, that's the way things TEND to go based on experience, black and white. I start with a baked potato and next thing you know, i'm at Auntie Anne's buying a hotdogs stuffed into pretzel. Who am I kidding? I'd buy 3 of them!

BUT, if all we have is THIS PRESENT MOMENT, as Karen is teaching me (Eckhart Tolle teachings), we have no past, no future, etc..., then, do the lessons of our experience/past/failures mean anything? Karen strives to live in the moment with food. She practices wiping away all memories of the food she has just eaten after she is done eating it. No guilt, regret. No judgement.

When i am good and centered and thoughtful and totally uncompulsive like i feel today, oatmeal feels absolutely non threatening and that it will not hurt me in the slightest or "cause" a binge or cause obesity. I just fear my desires when lunch time comes. Am i going to want to crack open that can of garbanzos i've been staring at? Am i going to want to cook up the quinoa i found yesterday cleaning out the cubbard? And those things are not BAD at ALL. I believe they are all healthy. I just don't know if i can TRUST myself.

Is this a time to find out? or is this a time to FEAR those desires???

Is raw really the magic cure for obesity?

"You cannot get fat on raw plant food." David Wolfe

David Wolfe obviously never saw me devour 10 bags of Brad's Raw Chips in one sitting.

The other day i made this amazing raw asparagus soup. I NEVER would have done that had i not been thinking RAW. It only had 10 macademia nuts in it, a whole head of asparagus, the rest water and veggies, no oil. It was a huge bowl of soup and sooooo delish. I was so extremely proud of mysself. I was "doing good" - like this was improvement for me and the "new" raw, not so nut-centered.

I just don't know if I start eating cooked, where it will end. Because you have to admit, cooked TASTES so much more comforting, warmer, more succulent, more tempting for sure, than raw. That asparagus soup would have been kick-ass cooked...

Do i care about health (enzymes/nutrition)?

Or taste?

If i'd have been proactive at arnold's i'd have bought some chia seeds so i could make a chia pudding for breakfast. That is hearty and filling in the winter time. Going raw in winter is a more challenging time. I don't really "WANT" a cold smoothie right now.

ADDENDUM: Cliff just came down and asked if I wanted a smoothie. I said, "I don't know. Do you?" He answered, "Not really. I'm kind of smoothie'd out."

For Cliff, food is not something he plans, thinks about. He gets hungry, he eats. That is what naturally thin people do. Naturally thin people also postpone eating until they know exactly what they want.

Since i have now postponed for HOURS now, will I have a miracle today and God will step in with a solution? Or will I take the reigns and make a CHOICE?

Roy Masters www.fhu.com, my guru, is fond of teaching, "Know that you do not know, and soon you will know."

Thanks for listening. I wonder what I'll do?!

xoxox Michelle Joy