EATING DISORDERS ARE COMPLICATED!

Sunday, November 8, 2010

Breakfast
2 Green Smoothies with banana, kale, agave

Snack
Orange Smoothie - 2 clementines, bananas, agave

Lunch
A stir fry, of sorts - i really enjoyed it
2 veggie burgers, crumbled
1 tbsp vegan butter
1/2 head of steamed cauliflower
2 slices rice cheese
3/4 cup of eggless noodles

dessert: an apple

Snack
Strawberry Smoothie - banana, strawberry, agave and soymilk

Dinner
Vegetable sushi

Snack
Oatmeal with banana and raisins

~ ~ ~ ~

I was a little hungry after dinner, but i think i could have made it without the oatmeal. Maybe I'll try a couple of baked apples next time. Cliff said i snored an 8 last night. It was either that i ate oatmeal right before bed, or the gluten in the noodles, or the fact that i have my period and took Aleve.

Mom woke up Sunday feeling very, very ill. She felt like she had a cold and felt rotten and felt like she had thrush in her mouth. I gave her a 60z glass of green smoothie, which she resisted, but succumbed to. Unfortunately, she had diarreah the entire day, and the last one, which got all over her pants, was green. The green color gave me a nice feeling of guilt. Green like kale. It's possible the diarreah was a cleansing brought on by the green smoothies, but i can't imagine. She drank very little, only 6 oz, and the day before about 10 oz.

We think she may have the C-DIF infection again, whose chief symptom is diarreah. That she feels like she has thrush in the mouth as well alerts us to the C-DIF as well, which is an overgrowth of a bacteria, from what i understand. She is feeling so sick. I'm doing my best to play nurse.

EATING DISORDERS ARE COMPLICATED!
Lots of thoughts today going on in my head about my eating disorder and the topics that circulate around it.

Binge eating is a total loss of control of eating. Why does that happen to the person who binges? Well, I think it has many contributing factors.

Among all of the many factors, the topic of control is present in my mind today. I think of being sexually abused and how my body was under someone ELSE's control. I said "no," but the other person was in control, leaving me feeling powerless, not just in relation to these events, but in my life, in my diet.

I also felt like I didn't own, or have say-so over the boundaries of my own body. (Today i maintain rigid boundaries with this person. RIGID.)

Somehow this all fits together with dieting. A diet is a list of foods prescribed by someone else so that i can gain control over my eating. So, again, someone else is controlling my body, by controlling my food. No wonder i rebel - I want to be in control of my body. On my new plan, I'm paying attention to feeling in control of my body. It's paramount to me.

Another behavior that contributes to my eating disorder is people pleasing.

I'm trying to please everyone living here at my mom's and it's hard. At least i'm aware of it. If i weren't I'd be binge eating. Trying to please my mother, my father, Cliff, it's not easy. My father wants me to babysit my mom. Cliff wants me to go to New Hope with him. My mom wants me to go with Cliff. My father wants to leave and wants me to stay with mom today. I feel like i'm being pulled in many different directions. How can i please everyone? I'm being careful to stay aware that i need to please myself first and foremost. That way I don't binge. It pleased me to stay with mom. She needed me. Cliff survived without me. And my dad ended up staying home anyway. And I didn't binge.

Binge eating SPEAKS for me alot. It tells me about me. It tells me something's not right, that something is bothering me.

If i don't want to binge eat, i have to stay really in touch with the issue of control and of people pleasing...

Pleasing people with my diet has also been a huge issue. I've had ever present thoughts of 811'ers who want me to eat bananas. I want to please them! Then there are those who want me to do my own thing. I want to please them! Then there is the gourmet raw crowd. I want to please them! There is my friend, Susan, who each time I talk to her on the phone says, "you should really do my plan." I want to please her! I can easily feel pulled in a million directions trying to please everyone with my diet. I can get lost in all of this.

Everyone just wants to help. I know that.

With my new coaching relationship, I want to please Megan, but also please myself, so we are working on coming up with compromises that please us both, like eating only Vegan. I'm enjoying it! And diving into the plan, slower. I think i need that. And she understands. That's so nice!

Then, there is also Arnold to consider. When Megan was creating my plan, Arnold cautioned, "Don't let her eat anything but fruit until noon!" "Okay, okay!," we both answered, kinda shushing him. Yet, it was on my mind, wanting to please Arnold and wanting to follow through on the fact that we said i would do it, wait until after noon to eat anything cooked. I tried and tried and held on. I kept looking at the clock, but I did it. I only ate fruit until noon. I pleased Arnold, but it will benefit me. It's okay, i see the value in it.

I have to be REALLY careful with pleasing other people too frequently. If i give up ME, I binge.

Pleasing myself is the solution. Here's a silly example, but it was BIG to me. I knew that whole wheat eggless noodles or gluten free rice noodles may be the BEST choice for me, but i had just made regular eggless for my mom's soup. And i wanted some. What do i do? I was hungry.

I went through my check list. Is it lunch time? check. ARe they vegan? Check. Is it after noon? Check. So, okay, pleasing myself with them was within the parameters of my new plan. I enjoyed them. That way, i ensure not binging on them later.

BABY STEPS.

Delayed gratification and Self denial are also topics on my mind in relation to my eating disorder. I struggled ALOT, saying NO to myself alot today, and delaying gratification alot.

Did i want to eat rye toast with butter this morning when I was fixing it for everyone else?

YES!!! But it was before noon, so i had a smoothie. NOT EASY, but i did it and i'm happy i did. If i want some later, i can have a slice toasted with vegan butter.

Did i want to put yogurt in my smoothie?

YES. But it was before noon, so fruit only. And yogurt not vegan, so i could use soy milk instead. But since it was morning time before noon, I used only fruit in my midmorning smoothie. Later, used soymilk in my smoothie. I like it that way. I coped. I made it work.

Did i want to sip on some chicken broth that i defrosted for my mother?

YES. But it is not vegan, so I had the noodles I made her, instead, which were vegan.

Did I do any of the things i wanted to? No.

BABY STEPS. BABY VICTORIES.

It's not just as simple as "follow this plan." It's learning to make good choices. The ability to CHOOSE is HUGE now. I get to choose. I'm in control. I CAN make good choices!

I know when i move to more raw, it will be delaying the gratification of cooked even longer. I've dug myself into cooked so far, that i'm needing to dig out, one little shovel full at a time. My smoothie breakfasts and fruit snacks are a great beginning.

I really want to give myself time to move into raw again organically, slowly, so I don't busy myself pleasing everyone else by being raw, and then go off and binge eat, because I feel "out of control."

xoxo michelle joy