KAITIN'S GRADUATION PARTY!

Okay, time for a refreshing distraction from my mother's hospital recovery and from constant fear and crying.

KAITLIN'S GRADUATION!
Beautiful Kaitlin graduated Swarthmore College today with a degree in Sociology and Anthropology. She's a lovely dancer, as well, and just a lovely girl with a truly beautiful, gentle spirit.

Kaitlin and her mother hired Susan and I to cater her graduation party and we were blessed and honored to be asked. As with last week's catering at Colin's "You Are The Gift" party, this party was to be mostly raw as well, and all vegan, with the exception of raw honey.

Kaitlin's family traveled far and wide to attend her graduation and party - half of her family traveled from Ohio, the other half from Indiana. She rented the social hall of her condo for the entire day for her family to gather and chat and catch up and celebrate...and eat!

Susan and I prepared:
*Veggie Crudite with Red Pepper Tahini Dip...yummo
*Asian Black Bean and Wild Rice Salad - it's really yummy with a garlicy blackbean sauce and asian veggies
*Tropical Vegan Chili slightly sweet with mangoes and slightly spicy with a nice afterkick
*Raw pesto pizzas (they are so yummy, i just ate like 4 of them, softened from absorbing the pesto into the crunchy living bread - they are like little round pesto 'tostadas!'
*Raw Orange Thai Broccoli Salad with a ginger/garlic cashew dressing
*a lovely big salad with creamy cashew Dijon vinaigrette
*hearty whole grain baguettes and vegan butter
*Raw mushrooms stuffed with raw walnut herb pate...mmmm!
*an Assortment of date-nut confections

Everyone really enjoyed everything! All of our work was not for naught!

All of the tablewear was biodegradable...the plates were made from corn, the cups from corn, the utensils from corn, the napkins were ecofriendly napkins.

Kaitlin's family seemed very interested to hear all about raw and about the compostable tablewear. Susan is such a great educator, she jumped right in to explaining about the differences between raw vegan, and vegan, and vegetarian to Kaitline's meat-eating family.

Kaitlin wanted to have the party food how SHE likes to eat...and to open her family's eyes to her beautiful way of living. From all of the feedback, they really enjoyed it!!! Raw food is so much more than carrot and celery sticks....!!! Although ALL of those were GONE tonight!!! The crudite was eaten all up!!!

PICTURES PICTURES
Cliff is searching madly for the cord that goes from the camera to the computer. I wish i could show you the pictures from tonight. When we find the cord, we'll play catch up from these last two parties.

UPDATE ON MOM
My mom is having a very difficult recovery from the surgery. The drainage 'balloon' is still constantly needing to be emptied. I'm so worried and spent the entire ride home tonight from Swarthmore crying and crying and asking God to save my mother and make her stay alive and heal her and take her pain away. I humbly ask for your prayers.

AWARENESSES ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN
I had a nice awareness about my large weight gain today. If i take the emotional sting out of it...and just "pretend" i'm like a pregnant woman who has gained weight, i can more easily get myself back on track. When pregnant ladies gain weight, they know that during their pregnancy, they will experience a time of EXPANSION. They eat and enjoy food and don't usually feel too badly about the weight gain. When it's time to lose it, they go through a time of CONTRACTION (no, not uterin contractions!!!) They KNOW that they CAN lose the weight. They work out. They eat lighter. They just DO it. They work hard. And they have FAITH.

I've been so guilt-ridden, so depressed and distraught over gaining, i've felt hopeless about losing it. My "emotional intelligence" when it comes to FOOD and WEIGHT is obviously very LOW. Fear, Fear, Fear.

If i take the stance of the un-emotional weight gain of the pregnant woman - just accept that these last weeks have been an unfortunate time of EXPANSION for me...but now it's time to do the opposite, suddenly i feel hopeful again. It feels like a new mental space to look at and view this unfortunate state i have allowed myself to get in.

When i was a child, my mother severely controlled my food. She was trying to help. She hid food from me. My father commented often on my weight gain.

SUSAN AND WEIGHT GAIN
I've been wondering why my friend, Susan, has not mentioned anything about my drastic weight gain. And then i asked myself if it was really her place to. I have made the obvious choices to eat and overeat and binge and subsequently gain. She has given me the freedom to make those choices, and just accepts me where i'm at. I'm so used to being controlled, to having my food controlled...to having my weight be such an issue, that that freedom feels odd. But i realized today, that it's really MY choice what i do. Susan can't do it for me. And she knows that. Only I can make the choices i need to.

Susan explained to me today how she deals with minor weight gains. (Susan eats cooked food and will gain then.) She goes back on green smoothies and chopped salads with no oil and on salt/oil-free gaspacho for several days until she loses the pounds.

Wow. So, she has a ROUTINE of how to MANAGE her weight. She expands...and then contracts...and accepts that as normal. She has times of great self indulgence...and then times of great self denial.

Wow. So, i'm not so abnormal. I just take things WAY further than her. I'm SCARED of my expansion...and allow it to get out of control...and she doesn't. She's got a cap on 5 lbs.

So far, i'm probably about 60 lbs heavier than i was last summer. (Deep breathing...i must STOP reacting emotionally to that...and move ON with the solution...instead of living in the problem.)

Thank you for your constant support.

xoxo michelle joy

IT'S A NEW DAY

For some reason, I'd don't feel so awful this morning. I started to take the Diatomaceous Earth again, and physically, it's helping me to feel better. And feeling better physically affects one emotionally, too.

I've been crying non-stop. I've been so worried about my mother, so worried about the possibility of her dying, questioning God and the universe and every doctor and nurse and family member if this is her 'time,' if what's she's going through is fatal. They all say 'no,' but emotionally, it wouldn't sink in.

I received some encouraging news from my father last night, who slept over at the hospital with my mother, that her drainage tube and 'balloon' seemed to be less full than they had been - that the drainage seems to have slowed down. She hasn't had a fever in two days, and the drain pump they inserted into her nose was dry. I'm not sure how i think about that...why did they put it in then? and put her through the ordeal of that? They inserted it in the hopes of derailing the drainage from her operation site, which they explained has obviously sprung a leak. The doctor performed a resectionig of the bowel...he took out 8 inches, not 8 feet (how do these details get so mangled from one family member to another?), and when he sewed the two peices together, it didn't stick in one or more places. (I'm trying to breath deeply as i write this...and feel peaceful instead of frightened again.) Worst case scenario, he said, was that if the drainage (puss/blood/other fluids) does not slow down, they would have to operate again.

The news from my dad last night that the drainage seemed to have slowed down was very good. Obviously, we're hoping she doesn't need a second operation. Just writing that makes it seem like my mom could handle that. I don't think she could. (I'm getting scared again.)

This whole stay in the hospital, it's been over a week already, has been one fiasco after another. She was overmedicated and reacting to the meds at first, beligerant and delusional, pulling out her tubes and cursing wildly and hitting and fighting.

You know what? i don't even have the energy to take you through all of the details. Trust me, it's been like Murphy's Law, whatever will go wrong, has.

Yesterday, i was sitting in the kitchen, chopping vegetables for the catering today, just balling and balling. I've been so afraid she's going to die. Something came over me, ala the Secret, and it just said to me, "Just tell yourself she's going to be okay, she'll recover."

I'm going to trust that for right now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Admitting to Cliff about how awful i've been doing with the food always helps, and it did. It's not like he hasn't noticed the big weight gain, he has, but admitting it, I feel more grounded now, more ready to tackle this latest rotten episode of emotional binge eating and it's lousy consequences. Having his support is imeasurable.

This has been a really hard year so far for me.

I recall back to last summer when i was doing so great, looking so trim, exercising, walking uphill, and....it FEELS unachievable to get back there. Cliff and my mom, even, keep reminding me, that it's NOT. They believe in me more than i do. "You can do it! You know why i know? Because you did it before."

My depressed, hopeless outlook is really a reflection of my intense feelings of failure....as a raw foodist, maybe as a person, for sure, as a daughter. I tried to save my mom from all of this.

This whole thing with the catering, with my mom...it's been incredibly stressful for me. I recognize my intense needs to learn how to deal with stress. All of what's been going on, it's taken it's toll on me.

Just gaining weight, again, has been crushing to my self esteem. I'm supposed to be an inspiration.

Okay, i'm getting depressed again. Time to switch channels.

So, having a talk out with Cliff, his cheering me on, same with my mom, even with all of those tubes in her, she's still cheering me on..., has really helped.

The lady from Australia is obviously not counseling anymore. That really sucks.

I know i've been hopping from one coach to another, when the only coach i need it really ME, but i let myself down so often, that i don't trust myself anymore. I suppose this "eating disorder" or "binge eating disorder" is just one long huge lack of trust in me. I don't know how to stop myself. My head tells me to eat more and more, i'll feel better, and i'm certain to a certain extent i do, it's emotionally numbing, but i only end up feeling and looking worse. The problem is: it's addictive, the need to do it grows and grows. The ability to just "stop" and turn things around becomes more and more hopeless as the days go on. It's like any addiction, it's just starts to take on a life of it's own.

Cliff said to me, "You're using all of this as an excuse. Knock it the hell off and just get back on raw." I have to laugh at my babe. He's the best. He still tells me he loves me and thinks i'm beautiful.

I have to work on Thursday, and it would be nice if i didn't have to go to work weighing over 300. I lost 20+ lbs in a few days on green smoothies before. Intellectually, there's no reason i can't do that again. Emotionally, i'm having a hard time accepting it. But, you know that saying, "act as if."

I got discouraged on the smoothies before because it felt like a lot (alot!) of effort for not a lot of results. The best results i've gotten to date are from Carlene's rotten stinkin' hard program with the one banana, no salt and all fruit and vegetables. wwww.rawfoodbootcamp.com

The only problem with that program is, you can't ever go off of it. And you have to exercise an hour a day.

I feel so drawn to going back on that this summer. I wonder if Carlene would have me back. I know it doesn't cure binge eating, but at least i'd look a lot better.

Sorry to be such a dissappointment. I'm only human, and obviously, out of whack, out of balance. It happens to the best of us.

Some more than others. Look at Robert Downey, Jr. I know when i get myself in control, fully, and overcome all of this, there will be no stopping me.

xoxo michelle joy

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MOTHER

Dear Friends,

My mother had her bowel resectioned. There have been complications. There is a leak in the surgery and fluid is draining from her rapidly by way of a drainage tube. Her coloring is poor and she's weak and has not eaten in a weak. They have taken her off of fluids again to slow the drainage.

I'm terrified.

She's been in the hospital one week and they say she will be in another week.

My biggest fear is she will die before she ever gets home.

The dr and my family say this is not fatal, but i'm so scared. They hope the leak will resolve itself without further surgery. If she needs another surgery, how could she survive that?

If she does, the recovery is likely to be 6 months. If she makes it home, she will likely weigh 100 lbs and need to regain all of her muscle.

I'm also angry. I hope this was worth it. She was upset about losing weight BEFORE?

PLEASE PRAY.

Susan has had to do more prep for our catering job on Sunday. I'll be at the hospital today.

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MOTHER'S RECOVERY AND FOR MY ABILITY TO STOP ANESTHETIZING MYSELF WITH FOOD.

With love,
xoxo michelle joy

ANNE CAMPION, COMPULSIVE EATING SUCCESS COACH

[I weighed myself this morning: 309.5] Accepting of what i've done to myself again, but obviously NOT happy about it. We all make choices and I've chosen to let it get this bad again. I know there is a way out. I found this website last night dealing with raw food and binge eating. I'm hoping Anne is still an active coach. She lives in Sydney, Australia. Wish me luck.

Letter to www.CompulsiveEatingSuccessCoach.com

Hi Anne,

Not sure if you are still actively coaching?

A little bit about me: I am a raw food chef, I do raw food catering, I work at Arnolds Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe and Education Center. I am a local opera singer and singing teacher.

3.5 years ago, I released 140 lbs (I went from 425 to 285) at Optimum Health Institute in San Diego, CA. I entered the raw retreat initially as a guest, and ended up staying for 8 months as a volunteer guest 'worker.'

When i came home, i got the job at Arnolds Way and stayed on the raw path. I did a lot of binge eating on gourmet raw food as a raw foodist when i came home from the retreat, but I was still exercising ALOT and my metabolism was in high gear. Basically, i could eat all day...and NOT gain weight!

When the exercising died down, i started to gain.

My boss, Arnold, is a fruitarian, and he turned me on to 80-10-10. That summer, i followed a strict LOW FAT NO SALT 80-10-10 plan, restricting bananas to 1 per day, no oil, no nuts, no salt. I released another 40 lbs and was just under 250 lbs.

That summer, doing 80-10-10 and exercising and looking so good seems like a dream.

80-10-10 completely eliminated my binge eating...as long as i stayed on it. As soon as i went off, i went nuts on the raw gourmet food and would gain back 20+ lbs. To lose the weight and stop binge eating, I would go back on strict 80-10-10. At the time, i was unhappy with this constant yo yo'ing up and down, but at least i was managing, and my weight would routinely return to the 250's.

About 7 months ago, i got the idea that cooked beans would be healthier for me to eat than nuts. I experimented with the Dr. Fuhrman program (cooked vegan). That would have been fine had i been able to stick with just healthy cooked vegan foods. Soon i was into the pizza and veggie eggrolls and I was binge eating on cooked vegetarian non-stop. Binge eating became as bad as ever.

I've been back and forth off raw, on raw, off raw, on raw. I keep returning to it because at least it is a respite from binge eating and weight gain. But, I have not been able to come to terms with a plan that WORKS FOR ME.

Right now, my life has been very stressful. My mother is in the hospital and I've had a lot of work-related stress. I've been binge eating again on cooked vegetarian food and have gained quite a bit of weight again.

I'm looking for a coach to help me with binge eating, getting back into daily strenuous exercise (walking hills and swimming, which i love), losing weight, and eating mostly - if not all raw. Low fat raw programs always appeal to my desire to lose weight quickly, but i can never maintain them. I seek balance.

I can't keep doing what i'm doing. I probably weigh about 300 lbs again.

Please help.
Michelle joy
xoxoxo

UPDATE!

Good morning, dear people,

Still trying to locate my connector cord, the one that connects the computer to the camera, so i can show you the images from the YOU ARE THE GIFT Dinner and Celebration of Saturday, May 22nd. I can't believe it's the 25th already....

Susan and I (of "Mostly Raw Catering") received lots of nice feedback about our participation in the event, and we were generally pleased how things turned out. There were some dishes I would have liked to tweek, things i would have done differently, yada yada. When it comes to catering, you live and learn. Each new event is an opportunity to get better and better at what you do and how you do it.

I promise...as soon as i find the camera cord, i'll show you pics!!!

What was so special about the entire event, was being part of something that we all hope will have wider effect. The evening was about sustainable living and raised much awareness. Two guests at our table were so moved by the amazing movie Colin and Tracey made, they mouthed the words, "THANK YOU FOR INVITING US!" with tears in their eyes. Maybe they will start recycling or composting or eating more raw food. Like ripples in a pond, this party and the lasting effect of it's message, will go on and on.... It's a live thing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My mom had her stomach surgery and is in the hospital recovering. She's been in a tremendous amount of pain and discomfort following the surgery, but is calmer and more relaxed than she had been.

The incision in her stomach is at least 9 inches long, and, I don't know the whole story yet, but i've heard that the doctor removed 8 feet of intenstines while "re-sectioning" her bowel.

From what i've heard, the doctor also said her vegan diet with green smoothies and salads was not helpful.

I'll report back more when i investigate more. I'd like to speak with the dr and get all of the details of the surgery, and understand more his point of view on diet. The last we spoke to the dr, he gave a thumbs up to her eating food that was more easily digestible, and food that took away her stomach pains.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Susan and I have our 2nd and final catering job this round, coming up this Sunday in Swarthmore! Kaitlin is graduating from college with a degree in dance and wants to feed her visiting family 'mostly raw' at her graduation party! In just a few days, Susan and I will be busy again rolling chocolate 'bliss' balls!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A WORD OF THANKS TO THE VOLUNTEERS FROM THE MAY 22nd EVENT
When Susan and i took on the job of preparing raw food for 200 people, we knew we would need help. What we did not know was that there would be such an outpouring of support and love from our community. We are truly blessed by our friends from Arnold's Way whose help in this challenging project was INVALUABLE. We could NOT have done it without you. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

Raw food is such that dishes really CAN'T be made too far in advance, with the exception of dehydrated items. Pesto pizzas can't be made a week or two out...and then, say, frozen. Everything needs to be put together very rapidly, very freshly. There was just NO WAY that two hands could have accomplished what SO MANY did!!! We had lines of volunteers putting together the pizzas...one on pestoing the bread, others on carrots and broccoli, another on the white sauce. The collard wrap assembly line was a sight to see!!! And Gail and Mark in the kitchen on 150 dill cucumber bites was an amazement as well....!!!

Not to mention the volunteers who came to Susan's house to roll and stuff 1,000 dessert bites!!! Aunt Mary entertained us all after that trying evening by singing "God Bless America" while jumping on the trampoline!!!

We're particularly proud of how beautiful the fruit display turned out, and we can't thank the Schallers enough for their gift of the beautiful edible flowers. They just "made" it! The beautiful flowers made everything POP with beauty and color! Can't wait to show you the pics!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As for me, I'm hangin' in. Not doing great. Not doing even really good. But, I'm not freaking out too badly about it. It seems a very familiar place right now and that i can get back on track really anytime i want.

i'm acknowledging of the fact that i've had a LOT going on, and binge eating and weight gain is where my stress shows.

I'm hoping I can reign myself in soon, get back to a healthier diet and begin exercising daily again.

Out of control eating and gaining weight dissappoints me, and others in me, but I'm doing my best. I'm not doing well, but i'm nowhere near how bad i used to be.

~ ~ ~ ~

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM "THE SECRET"

You must feel good. You must feel good about You. This is important, because you cannot attract your perfect weight if you feel bad about your body now. If you feel bad about your body, that is a powerful feeling, and you will continue to attract feeling bad about your body. You will never change your body if you are critical of it and find fault with it, and in fact you will attract more weight to you. Praise and bless every square inch of your body. Think about all the perfect things about You. As you think perfect thoughts, as you feel good about You, you are on the frequency of your perfect weight, and you are summoning perfection.

xoxox michelle joy

YOU ARE THE GIFT CELEBRATION AND DINNER - TONIGHT!

Hi Blogger Friends,

If you are local to Philadelphia, PA, please come out to the YOU ARE THE GIFT CELEBRATION AND DINNER tonight, Saturday, May 22, 2010!

The food will be mostly raw, catered by myself, Chef Michelle, and my catering partner, Susan Aman, Registered Nurse, Fitness Trainer, Health Educator Extraordinaire of our MOSTLY RAW CATERING duo.

We'll have raw collard wraps, raw hummus and flax crackers, raw dip and crudite, raw thai broccoli salad, raw cucumber 'sour cream' bites, raw pesto pizzas....plus a fantastic 5 bean chilli that is half raw (only the beans, tomatoes, and corn are cooked), brown rice pilaf, bonanza black bean salad (also half raw), homemade whole wheat breads by Laura...and a fantastical assortment of raw date/nut confections. We'll also start the evening off with a fresh fruit display and green smoothies for all of you fruitarians out there! We've brewed fresh jasmine tea and sweetened it with raw honey, as well.

The evening celebrates sustainable living, composting, recycling...all of that good stuff. This is an event to bring our community together. There will be conversation, music, dancing, and merriment.

The event is FREE OF CHARGE.

There are seats available, so call COLIN to make your reservation today for tonight's event: 267-335-4167.

YOU ARE THE GIFT CELEBRATION AND DINNER
Saturday, May 22, 2010
5pm - 10:30p.m.
Chestnut Hill Academy
500 W. Willow Grove Avenue
Chestnut Hill (Philadelphia, PA) 19118

xoxo michelle joy

CATERING IN FULL SWING!!!

Volunteers galore! Lots to do! Date balls, cucumber bites, thai broccoli, ooh ahh! Hope to catch up with you soon...after the raw catering gig on saturday!

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - Day 16

Mornin' all,

Challenging day yesterday...emotionally.

I slept at Susan's. Woke up early and finished work on a dehydrator full of bread - scissoring the peices to get a get a clean cut, flipping trays, etc...

I ran home to Manayunk because i had opera tickets with my aunt.

The opera depressed me. [The tenor was incredible, many shouts of 'bravo' by me for him, but...] The soprano disssappointed me. She has a great voice, but she wasn't a fantastic singer. Her phrasing was nothing special. She wasn't even particularly musical. But, she's young. She's beautiful. Heck, and she wasn't even a fantastic actress, and had no really stage presence or charm or sparkle or emit really much energy up there. She did 'nothing' for me.

So, this is what i was left ruminating: I have faults, too. So, why aren't I up there???

"Well," my mother said on the phone consoling me, "because you don't put yourself in the position to be up there." Meaning professional auditions. I have a laundry list of things i think i'm lacking and feel i'm generally missing: 'not good enough, too old, too fat, yada yada yada...,' but when i see someone not POLISHED PERFECT, it rocks me profoundly. You don't have to be perfect to be out there. You just have to WANT it.

I sing locally, but have never made the leap to trying for a professional career. I'd be lonely flying everywhere, i'd be ill-prepared, i'd be found out i'm too old, i'd start eating cooked food, my reflux would bother me, etc.... I talk myself out of it before i even try.

When it really comes down to it, we all DECIDE what direction our life goes in. Mine I never directed toward a professional solo career in opera. It takes all of one's energy and drive and focus. You can't do raw catering, AND opera. I don't think. Opera singers aim to perfect themselves in all ways artistically - the way they move, the way they act, the way they sing (most of all), the way they use the language and communicate. It's the most challenging art form. Do i want to be a professional opera singer??? Or do i want to be a raw chef?

I actually turned to raw thinking it would enable me to become professional. I'd lose ALL of my weight. I'd be able to manage on the road with the food.

I never worked to manifest it. And got busy elsewhere.

So, what do i want for my life?

After the opera, i waited for Cliff to pick me up, and with our company, we all went out to dinner.

Our company asked me, "So what do you do?" I answered, "I'm a vegan chef." But something in me didn't feel right when i said that, because i'm so much more. I'm an opera singer. Do i want to be a professional opera singer???

I suppose, ala the secret, it really DOES come down to what i want. The more "what if's" or "i'm not good enoughs because of this" i come up with, the longer i'll put it off.

I got salad at dinner and drank smoothie yesterday. Last night i felt dejected and ate 1 cup of cashews raw before i zonked out. How many thousands of calories are in that??

I'm also discouraged about my weight. Susan's scale is wrong. I'm 288. the same as i was an entire WEEK ago. I haven't lost ANY weight.

Well, on the bright side, i haven't gained any either.

And i haven't been exercising. And, yes, lots of bananas in smoothies are caloric. And so are fatty raw foods like avo. I know from past experience to lose on raw, i have to bring the fat way WAY down as well as the bananas, much as that tears at my heart to do it. As much as i don't like her, i think that "B" Carlene was right. (http://www.rawfoodbootcamp.com/)

I'm also discouraged in that - just because i'm eating raw i should be losing. All of this effort for what? To clean my bowels???

Look, i'm p.o.'d and emotional today. And have a LONG LONG week of food prep ahead of me. Gotta let this all go, and center myself and move on. I have priorities this week and losing weight is not one of them. I've been doing well. My company said, "You look so healthy!" so green smoothies are doing something good. I'll keep on keeping on, and adjust my routine after all of this catering stuff is over.

Thanks for your support!

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - DAY 15!

Howdy Blogfriends,

How are you all doing tonight?? I hope well!

I am exhausted beyond belief, but excited to report about my day.

I drank green smoothie all day and never really had a meal otherwise, except for some tasting while i was preparing for the catering on the 22nd. It is almost 9pm and i am hungry, so i may make a whip or something, maybe a salad. Arnold encourages me not to eat late, and so does Susan, but...well, we'll see. [i did make a chopped salad afterall. it was delish, but big and i could have done with half. i forgive myself for eating the whole thing. rome wasn't built in a day. i have plenty of time to refine my eating habits. it was just interesting to take note that i wasn't really hungry anymore after about 3/4 through. i think my appetite is diminishing!!!]

Anyway, during the morning/day, i made 2 giant vitamix pitchers of green smoothie and drank from that all day whenever i was hungry, which is like every HOUR. I'm like a baby and need constant feedings on smoothies!

Today's 2nd smoothie was kinda tropical and rich: banana, durian, coconut, kale, pineapple. My first smoothie was tart/sweet: fresh orange juice, strawberries, banana, kale.

During my catering food prep today, I had to taste (to adjust seasoning) lots of different date mixtures for our stuffed dates and date balls and rolls. The good news was it never became compulsive. It was just what i had to do. I trust these tastebuds!!! The fact that the mixes are "fattening" didn't freak me out too much. I ate small tastes. I did well! Having company today made a big difference. I can't say what i would have done had i been alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today i am filled with such amazing amounts of gratitude....

- I weighed myself this morning on Susan's scale and it says i'm down a good amount. I hope her scale is right. It says I'm back in the 270's. Just like...15 days ago, after SEVERELY HUGE BINGE EATING on everything fried and disgusting(-ly delicious), I weighed in at 310lb.

How can a person lose 30+ lbs in just 2 weeks? Well, it sounds kinda freaky, but on me, it's a lotta water weight. Did i ever tell you that the FIRST WEEK i went to O.H.I. (the raw retreat), i weighed in at 425 when i got there and after one week weighed 390. -35lbs in one week. Again, a lotta water weight, plus all of that FOOD in my intestines. People don't really think about how much cooked food is in their intestines...and how long it takes to digest...all of that food in there WEIGHS alot.

And, yes, a person like ME who binges HEAVILY, and is heavy in general, just tends to hold a lot of water. I think binge eating is so tremendously hard on the body, that it just reacts to the overload by holding onto water.

But, i suppose all of these smoothies are working! First of all, it's a big reduction in calories from what i was doing on cooked. Here's a typical binge lunch on cooked just a little over 2 weeks ago: 1 boca burger with cheese and mayo, 1 order fried onion rings, 2 slices pizza, 1 bag chips, 1 slice cake. Then i would go get chinese. And maybe a custard after THAT.

The green smoothies are cutting my appetite and taking my cravings away! And you know what? I enjoy them! The more i commit to them, the more benefit i'm seeing! I used to routinely make chocolate smoothies for breakfast (on raw) and snack all day on fattening raw gourmet chips and chocolates and pies and dehydrated stuff. With green smoothies, i find i WANT to eat healthier later. I don't know how this is all happening. It's freakin' me out!

I have a deep amount of gratitude to Arnold and Josh for the GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION. I REALLY needed this. I'm seeing results. And feeling and looking better.

Fried onion rings and pizza and all of that...are literally distant memories. If someone put them in front of me right now, i swear, i would have ZERO cravings for them. The green smoothies have turned me GREEN oriented. It's pretty amazing.

I remember how i felt after one week at the raw retreat and i have a similar feeling now. I quite simply feel like a different person. The feeling of being so wrapped up and addicted to cooked food binge eating....is GONE. Literally vanished. NOT of my own doing. That's what's incredible. I just drank green smoothies. I didn't see a psychologist. I didn't go to an Eating Disorder Unit (again). Amazing.

- The other thing I am so grateful for...is the goodness and kindness of people. I had a volunteer today at the house helping me prepare for the party who was so outstanding, i'm just left incredulous at the goodness in the world.

God bless you, Maureen, for all of your help today. You are a beautiful person and i must say, i totally adore you, think you are one of the nicest and most interesting people i have ever met, and thank you for all you did today!!!

Maureen hand-stamped 250 napkins, cut 85 dates, laid out 9 trays of raw bread, shucked fresh rosemary and thyme from their stems, washed and cleaned at least 100 zucchini, and cleaned out the fridge in the garage. AND, she wanted to do more! I had to kick her out!!!

GOD BLESS YOU, LADY!!!!

- I'm also so grateful for my mother. My mother, my dear mother, who is going in for surgery soon, was kind enough to go shopping for us for large food platters and found such fabulous ones. Even in her time of need and vulnerability, she always thinks of me, and tries to help me. I love you, Mommy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Please send healing wishes to my mom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

HAVE YOU HAD A GREEN SMOOTHIE TODAY??????

Make it a pure raw joy...and have one...or many!!! I think you will find that the more of them you drink, the less you will think of other food. Yes, it's a commitment, at first, but then, the body takes over and you WANT to drink them more. I'm not doing this today because i HAVE to, i'm actually unbelievably doing this because i now WANT TO!!!!

Love to you all,

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - DAYS 13 & 14!

Howdy, raw fans,

[WRITTEN YESTERDAY]

I'm proud of myself today. I had a good food day!

Susan needed to go out, so i am here with a few quiet moments on my hand and thought i'd report about my day!

I had green smoothie up until 6:30p.m.!!! Wow! Then i had a yummy salad with "jan's avocado dressing" on it (1/2 avo, garlic, water, celtic salt, lemon juice). yummo.

Susan and i did a mongo amount of shopping for our catering event. You should see the house!

I had green smoothie this morning and in the afternoon. I even turned down a fabulous chopped salad today in favor of having more green smoothie! I made myself another vitamix full and took it with us shopping, drinking liberally from the container in the car in between store visits. It wasn't too hot out today, so it stayed a pleasant temperature. I actually enjoyed it and didn't feel deprived at all.

In fact, now THIS is interesting, around dinner-time, our shopping finally took us to Whole Foods, and with all of the cheese and goodies staring me in the face, you would have thought i might have caved. But i didn't! I honestly think green smoothies are helping me deal with cravings, and helping me have more self control! Susan and I even walked past a cheese demo and i was incredulous to recognize within myself that i had zero cravings. Often when i go to Whole Foods, i end up running right for the raw cheeses (and i'll eat the whole 8oz block) or run to get bags of raw chips. I had such amazing self control today. Amidst all of the stress of a massive shopping spree! The ONLY thing i can attribute that to....is drinking more green smoothie! Maybe all of the vitamins in the greens????

Another funny thing was in the car on the way home from Whole Foods...I began to pick from my salad that i had put together there in a to-go container (i bought an avo and lemon to take home to make dressing, another amazing feat of self control, instead of opting for the cooked corn-syrup laden dressings they have there)...anyway, while in the car, i began snacking on the salad. MAN, did everything TASTE good! The fresh crunch and slight spice of colored peppers. The earthiness of mushrooms. The crispness and saltiness of celery. I think my palate is getting cleansed from all of these greens!

Not to mention my pits! Still no B.O. and i didn't even wear deoderant today!

I also found it interesting that while surveying the salad bar at Whole Foods, all of a sudden, the ROMAINE just about jumped UP in my face and said EAT ME!! I had such a pull to romaine. Isn't that wild??? Me??? Ms. Fried Onion Rings and Eggrolls? Who woulda thunk it.

Not sure i've lost any weight. I've not weighed myself. And i haven't been exercising.

Steady and slow is probably best anyway.

When all of the catering is over, i'm looking forward to kicking the exercise into overdrive...back to my water walking and swimming and walking up hills in manayunk. Can't wait to enjoy this summer even more than i did the last.

Cliff and I planted tomatoes and are looking forward to eating tomatoes in the summer!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[TODAY]

Morning, all,

Thanks so much again for all of your lovely birthday wishes and for all of the comments! Wow, i've been getting a lot of comments lately, i love it!

Yesterday was an Arnold's Way day, working in the kitchen. It was just non-stop! I drank green smoothies all day until 3ish, which seems like an excellent way for me to manage my tendency to snack on raw bread and such there. I never start, so i never have to worry about stopping :-))

I made myself a nice salad, which was totally delish, that had raw "steak" burger in it. I love that stuff.

Later in the day, i had to pack up the raw red pepper "chedder cheeze" spread and make my "toona," so unfortunately, there was a lotta tasting going on.

Nevertheless, things never degraded to the point, with my food, i mean, that they have in the past, where i start picking, and then i end up feeling so disgusted with myself, i'm buying bags of salty nuts and downing them and same with the kale chips, etc..., or even with the raw bread.

For some reason, i had a moticum of self-control. I really DO think it is the green smoothies. Well, it is one of TWO things with the green smoothies. It is either that i am getting alot of nutrition from all of the fruit and greens, which is taking cravings away. OR, it is the fact that i am DISCIPLINING myself, that is carrying over into later in the day.

I still overeat and generally lose control, but no where near as bad as it has been in the past. I should qualify that. When i was binge eating on cooked just weeks ago? It is NOWHERE near what i was doing then. Man, was i out of control. And when i used to binge on gourmet at work? NOTHING like that either. Okay, on a scale of 1-10, yesterday was a 3 in loss of control.

Last night, i wasn't hungry, but i made a banana durian whip.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm beyond TIRED. My feet are KILLING me. This catering thing is an enormous amount of work.

Arnold helped me get home 3 cases of pineapples, 1 case of zucchini, 1/2 case of lemons, 1 case of honeydew last night. God bless you, Arnold! I could NOT have done that without him.

SO much to do today, but a volunteer is coming to help at 1pm.

Off to work!

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - DAY 12!

Hello raw fans,

12 days raw, yay!

I slept over Susan's last night. We were up until 2a.m. writing our shopping list for the raw catering event. It's just massive amounts of work to organize everything for food for 200. We had a lotta laughs, however. We always have a fun time.

Today we go shopping, yay!

Yesterday I drank green smoothie until 2pm. We had a wonderful raw lunch, then, a chopped salad of carrot and avo and celery on top of greens. Susan's hubby, Mark, is so talented in the kitchen. So is Susan! So, no raw meal here is EVER dull!!!! Not to mention, they live in the most beautiful home here in Chalfont, in the country, so i feel like i'm treated like a queen here!

I was pretty snacky last night, so i don't feel that great about how I did yesterday, but i still have to honor that i am drinking so many more smoothies than i ever was, have no b.o., my skin looks good, i feel so much better than i did when i was binge eating onion rings and eggrolls.

After the catering events are over (we have another one on the 30th of May in Swarthmore, PA), i think i'll take a vacation...and then kick the program into high gear. I haven't been exercising much as i've just been focused elsewhere and pretty swamped with work.

We're also having company, Cliff and I, so the last week or so, when i've been at home has been dedicated to cleaning the house (that's exercise!).

Alot is going on...!!!

My mom's surgery is on the 19th. She's been mostly raw now for at least 12 weeks, maybe it's even much longer, and is looking healthy albeit very skinny. She went from 130 to 115. No one is happy about that because she's tall. I'm actually thinking maybe the bowel surgery may be a good thing??? Tiffany at Oasis said sometimes they DO need to remove a blockage.

OOOH, THank you for the birthday wishes. I feel so blessed to have so many kind readers! Thank you for your support and love.

I send the same to you. Keep in touch.

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - DAY 11!

Happy Birthday To me! 43 today! Wish me a happy one!

Wanna hear something interesting??? All of these green smoothies, and my pits don't stink! I've heard coworkers of mine say that they have no body odor on raw, but i've always had to at least use armpit deoderant. I haven't used it for three days and there's no smell! I suppose all of the greens are detoxifying! I didn't even think i've been drinking that many, but, overall, yes, i'm drinking many more green smoothies than i have been, yes. On some days, i am eating nothing until after drinking them until 3pm.

Yesterday I drank green smoothie until 1:30p.m.

Then, Susan and her husband, Mark, and I, had an unbelievable raw lunch of guacamole and celery sticks and salad. Every meal I have there is better than the next. We finished the meal with Susan's new recipe for lemon bars, which we'll serve at the catering event we're readying ourselves non-stop for. They are so delish. A new taste sensation!

For dinner, unfortunately, I ate an entire bag of earling organics granola...in the car while driving. I was tired and on automatic compulsive pilot, and already regretting it halfway through the bag, but kept going. That's about 1,000 cals right there. And I awoke with a really puffy face. There must have been a lot of sodium in those delish nuggets of yumminess. Someday, after all of the stress is over, i will learn to better control my overeating.

However, i have to really look on the bright side. I'm raw 11 days. HALLELUJAH! Susan and I were at her sisters yesterday picking up some display plates and a crock pot, and there was rice done cooking. Of course, i WANTED some, but i said no. That was progress for me. Eating a whole bag of granola in response to that was not wise, but, at least I've stopped binge eating (like i was on fast food and onion rings and chinese food), and i've lost a little weight.

I am very grateful.

xoxox michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - DAY 9

Hiya Folks,

It's a chilly day here in Chalfont, PA. I slept over my catering partner, Susan's, house last night since we were up until 2:30a.m. working on our planning, ordering, shopping lists for our upcoming catering event. Little by little it all gets done.

I ran out of bananas and ended up just having a salad for breakfast yesterday. I stayed all raw, but overate all day on raw bread and snacks while working here. I didn't say 'no' if i was offered food and i wasn't hungry.

Boy, was my tummy upset last night. Susan gave me some Tahitian Noni Juice and within a half hour, my gas was settled. Good stuff! As she explained, noni juice is Extreme Alkelinity! It's the 2nd most alkelinizing food in the world after lemon. It's cleansing, detoxifying, rebuilds the body and immune system, and is an anti-inflammatory. It's a wonder elixer! I bought 2 bottles. I purchased a bottle from Susan once before, but really didn't see any big wows, so didn't keep it up. This last bit of evidence, having severe gastric upset...and then 'NOT' was quite convincing that something is definitely there. She's been taking it for years and SWEARS by the stuff. I think my mother would benefit, too, as she complains of gastric distress and gas eating almost raw daily. I'll keep you informed. If you have any questions: susanaman@sharenoni.com.

We're busy at work, so i'll say shalom until the next time!

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - WEEK 2

Morning,

Beautiful sunny day here in Philadelphia, PA.

Yesterday I drank two vitamix pitchers full of green smoothie until 3pm. Then I had a raw broccoli salad, some raw Buckwheat crackers and some raw granola.

For dinner, I had a big salad with kalamata olives, balsamic vinaigrette (not raw), tomatoes, cukes, and raw onion from the corner shop. I finished the buckwheat crackers, and for dessert had a little raw coconut chocolate cookie from Oasis (unreal).

Ooops, i forgot about the 3 handfuls of cashews i had over the coarse of the afternoon. Woops! Forgot to mention that!!!

And i finished the bag of raw granola late watching TV. uy.

Well....it was a GREAT first half of the day!

ALOT is going on!!! We have company coming for several weeks. Cliff will be taking care of them. I'll be at Susan's finalizing our catering planning for the party on the 22nd. My mother is having surgery on the 19th. EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE. Everyone knew in advance i'd be unavailable.

I cleaned like a maniac yesterday, for our company. That was my exercise.

Not a disasterous day, but not fantastic.

We have a 2nd party to cater on May 30th.

On June 1st, i'll kick the exercise and diet into high gear, and I swear, I'm taking a vacation.

xoxo michelle joy

GOURMET DAY - GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION DAY 7

Happy Mother's Day!

Yesterday turned out to be a green smoothie-less raw gourmet day that ended in a small raw gourmet binge. A dissappointing turn out, especially since i felt i was doing so well controlling myself, up until dinner time.

I had cacao smoothie for breakfast to wake me up. I was up since 4a.m. I didn't want a green smoothie, and felt like i was "listening" to myself. So cool. I felt like i was in charge! I had raw cheese and Brad's chips, as well. I really wanted it. It makes me feel so french. I felt fabulous. "Look at me! I CAN eat fatty things and control myself!" I was very proud of myself. I didn't have much, waited for the "sigh" to say i was full, and packed up the rest. Fabulous self control!

The cheese bloated me severely later. My hands looked like balloons. I was really really distraught over this. My little french breakfast didn't like ME, though i loved it. I was severely dissappointed and discouraged.

Cliff took me to Oasis to buy Mother's Day gifts for my mother. She loves their raw cookies. I was slightly hungry, but I was hungry. I had 1/2 of a nori wrap, stopped when it stopped tasting so good. The tastebuds should guide us. 1/2 of a hazelnut tart (bangin' good and very hard to stop), a bite of the new key lime tart (not as good). For me, i didn't eat much. I can usually eat like 3 meals there, then eat a bag of treats on the way home. I'm learning to control myself!

For snack, i finished the hazelnut tart. I wasn't hungry. The seeds were sewn for bad consequential behavior.

For dinner, I finished the nori wrap and the key lime tart. I was barely hungry. Now the guilt set in. There was no "sigh" to tell me to stop because i wasn't hungry to begin with. My stomach was just rumbly from the fattier food. You know that gnawing you sometimes get? I don't get that when i eat lighter stuff and lots of green smoothies. I should have just taken a few Betaine HCL.

Dinner never ended. Here I go again. I had the rest of the raw cheese, about 3 ounces, the rest of the Brad's chips, 1/2 bag, about 10 Buckwheat thins, 3 huge nuggets of almond granola (huge like big cookies), 1 coconut cookie with chocolate. Oh, hell.

At least everything was raw... A dissappointing episode in an otherwise "successful" day of controlling my intake of fatty food while eating gourmet, but not an unfamiliar pattern to me. Eating fattier foods sorta makes you wanna eat fattier foods. They're a lot harder to control. And i didn't drink any green smoothie so i already felt guilty.

I wrote some more yesterday and felt so good about it, like i was really on to something with controlling myself with "dangerous substances" like raw cheese and Oasis raw food. I guess my new-found wisdom turned out to be not that wise, because i ultimately lost control.

Back to the green smoothie regiment today. I've experienced they really severely reduce cravings for fatty foods. I'll make two pitchers, so it's in the fridge.

We took a 30 mins walk last night before dinner, which was nice. It was after dinner that things went downhill.

To my credit, things didn't get worse than a small gourmet binge.

I was extremely tired. Having gourmet treats here and being excessively tired is not a good set up for a bingey prone person like me. And I wanted to make myself eggs and cheese and bread last night after the little gourmet binge. But, we watched a movie, and after the movie, the impulse left and I was grateful i hadn't done it.

Why compound the misery? Well, because it FEELS so good, in the moment.

Waking up this morning and realizing i DIDN'T do it felt even better.

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION - Day 7

4:00 a.m.! I went to sleep at midnight and awoke at 4a.m. aaarrrrggghhhh! i suppose that's one of the many joyous benefits of eating tons of fruit and salads - the wonderful benefit of reduced sleep. Yes, it's so wonderful, i'd like to scream.

My body, and feet especially, are exhausted , but my mind is awake...too awake. The catering job is coming closer and closer and new ideas, improved ideas are constantly on my mind.

The party Susan and I are catering (we call ourselves "Mostly Raw Catering) on May 22nd is a dinner and celebration of sustainable living. Thus, the party amenities are all to be compostable and earth friendly. We have ordered dishes and flatwear made from compostable bamboo, cups made from corn.

The decision to include a "logo" of a dragonfly on the corn cup, or to use napkins with a butterfly print have been troubling me. Artistically, we thought it was a great idea.

The use of dyes, however, on these items, does not make their compostability quotient very appealing.

I thought to use a rubber stamper of a dragonfly on a gift bag, and realize that that's also a dye.

Are there earth friendly rubber stamper dyes out there???

~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday was a BUSY day at Arnold's Way! We enjoyed a very busy FIRST FRIDAY there. As a special dinner entree, i offered: TRIO of raw vegan sushi (one had jicama rice with lots of veggies and avo jullianed, one included toona, one used red pepper cheeze), with a side of Creamy Thai Broccoli, a small salad, and some raw bread. I rec'd thumbed up from all who enjoyed!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I walked for 20 mins in the morning with my mother.

She's going in for her surgery on the 19th to have her bowel resectioned and her polyp removed. I wonder if it's still there? She's been 85% raw for many, many weeks now, drinking green smoothies every morning, eating salads for lunch and a cooked vegan meal for supper. She feels better in ways, and says she really "likes the green smoothies."

Her back hurts her worse than ever, though, and Mom's lost considerable weight. She was skinny to begin with, and is not convinced of the diet because he backs hurts her more now. Susan says that increased pain is often a sign of healing. Mom doesn't buy it.

Nevertheless, she connects with the value of the diet to keep her body healthier. Yet, she won't submit to foregoing surgery.

On the positive side, she promises to maintain her new diet after surgery. She says she wants to gain weight after surgery, but i hope her plan to gain does not include her former diet of icecream, cookies and cake. She still has thyroid tumors and it would be nice for them not to turn cancerous, if they're not already. [deep sigh]

Please send out your healing vibes and well wishes to my mom, Ruth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today at work, my green smoothie routine worked again like a charm. I'm so pleased!

This morning, my mother made me green smoothie, and then when i got to work, i made 3 extra-large ones for myself, drank one and put two in the fridge for later. I used kale, a little banana, mango and blueberry. Not outrageously delish, but it was pleasant. I tried using less banana ala last summer on carlene's bootcamp. I drank those throughout the morning. I think i had some blueberry smoothie with more banana a little later, and at 3pm, i made myself a big salad with raw veggie burger, nutritional yeast, and a dressing made of water, 1/2 avo, garlic, lemon juice. No salt.

I hate to admit it, but i actually enjoyed it without salt, after i got over the initial shock of 'blah.'

My friend and coworker, Dorinda, stopped into today to Arnold's and influenced me pretty much. She's begun Weight Watchers doing mostly raw and is laying off of the salt. She had me make for her a wonderful salt free guacamole ontop of a big salad for lunch, and she'd asked me if i'd like to join Weight Watchers with her and do raw and count my points. It's an intriguing idea...

Dorinda seemed to enjoy her salt-free salad very much. (Salt-free is how i lived last summer, and, yeah, you DO get used to it.) So, i figured i'd give it a go for this one meal, not necessarily committing to being salt-free, but figured it would be interestng to see how my body and mind reacted to it. I know my body likes it, it's my tongue that would have to get used to idea again.

Mentally, I'm not sure i want to go there. I did say on the video i made that i'd be doing 80-10-10, which is a salt-free plan, and Arnold reminded me of my plans for 80-10-10 today, several times, not too delicately, when he saw me making avo dressing (i only used a 1/2!!!).

I used to use 1/4 avo last summer.

I just don't want to be TOO strict, otherwise i'll crash and burn. As a binge eater, i have to be careful of taking away all taste pleasures, otherwise, i'll binge. I've been enjoying a little flavor. Is that so terrible????? Last summer, i routinely went OFF of 80-10-10 to binge insanely on every forbidden fatty raw gourmet treat.

Yes, i want to lose weight. But, yes, i want to stop binge eating. Something tells me the wisdom in all of those binge eating books i've read might be true. Sometimes the harder you try, the worse backlash there is.

Listening to myself and pleasing myself, instead of others, might be key for me. Not sure if i do want to do Weight Watchers. On the one hand, i'll have more support to lose and i'll get more into exercise and have formal evidence of my weight loss.

On the other hand, i'll be focusing again on what i can't eat and how much on someone else's terms...instead of just listening in.

I'll meditate on it. My goal is to lose weight, AND stop binge eating.

When i got home from work, it was LATE, but i was HUNGRY! I'd worked an 11 hour day and after my lunch salad at 3pm, had only had a few bites of Thai broccoli salad and a bite or two of raw cucumber and carrot.

Cliff and i enjoyed a banana whip (evil bananas!) with cinnamon, nutmeg, date, and a little cashew in it. It tasted yum, but i started coughing soon after. Too much fat?

Taking the Diatomaceous Earth (D.E.))and my Betaine HCL seemed to calmed the cough immediately. It was only about 8 nuts, meaning i ate about 5! Mucous was coming up from my chest.

I was still hungry, so enjoyed a fresh mango, watched my guilty-pleasure favorite show, "America's Next Top Model" on youtube and hit the hay. I love that show!

For the last 3 nights or so, i'd not taken the D.E. or Betaine as i left it at my house and had slept at my mothers. I felt 'refluxy' in my throat yesterday (i get reflux laryngitis), maybe because i had some tight pants on at work. Wearing tight clothes is said to inflame reflux.

Nevertheless, Megan said i looked smokin' in my tight pants and that she could really see the weight loss...

SMOKIN', BABY!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

DAY 6 - GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION!

Hello, all you raw fans out there! -22 lbs today!

Isn't it nice to have Michelley back on track???? I feel so grateful.

Yesterday, I drank green smoothie until 3pm!!! When i woke up, i had a few oranges, some lemon water, then a few glasses of green smoothie. My mother makes the BEST! I was starving soon and made some more. Then when i got to work, i had several more glasses when i was hungry. Soon, i was hungry again and had about 3 glasses of spiralina smoothie over several hours. Before i knew it, it was 3pm. I was hungry again and had a big salad with raw burger on it and some dressing containing nama shoyu and olive oil. I had a little more smoothie later and that was that.

Not sure calorically how much i'm taking in. I'm simply eating when i'm hungry. That's the only thing i'm doing, and trying to get in as many smoothies as i can. I'm NOT focusing on losing QUICK, but on eating sensible raw meals outside of my smoothie time. I hope this will work well for me.

Drinking smoothies until 3pm was totally cool, and actually a fabulous strategy for work. No more picking on raw bread as soon as i get in and ending up eating 2 dehydrator trays worth. I have a big appetite, so i might as well fill up on green smoothies!

I'm going to trust in the process and stop worrying about quick weight loss. I didn't lose anything this morning, but nama shoyu bloats me. I should stop weighing myself. But, it actually felt like info gathering instead of becoming something to beat myself up over this morning. I found it curious that i weighed the same today instead of discouraging. I'm not in a race.

I haven't been formally exercising yet. I've been so busy. But, Arnold is a severe task master, he's not letting me slide! I'll go for a walk before work this morning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wanted to talk about EMOTIONS.

Remember i was saying, "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating YOU," that i didn't think that was true? Let me elaborate on that. The Green Gorilla Book says that we must discipline our food so that emotionally, mentally and spiritually, we are healthy. I really was so incredibly rocked by that teaching. I have ALWAYS found that when my food was disciplined, i functioned better.

That said, yesterday was a challenging day at work because it was busy, and with busy comes stress, and i felt some strong emotions. EEK!

Right then and there, i realized that i had a choice. The choice was - to feel my emotions and just let them go and eat healthfully WHEN HUNGRY.

Or to stuff them.

I used to stuff them at work. I'd start grabbing for the nutcheese and the raw bread and start snacking when i wasn't hungry, instead eating when i was STRESSED.

It took discipline to drink my smoothies until 3pm yesterday, but i found the discipline to benefit me tremendously.

I chose to be self-disciplined (the green gorilla book talks about self discipline in such a cool way that it actually makes you WANT to do it), continue with green smoothies instead of compulsively snacking, and then when the busyiness calmed down at work, i chose a sensible salad for lunch. From a calm state, i could choose wisely.

This experience of allowing myself to feel my strong emotions, to not eat over them, but to stay on green smoothies, and then to have the presence of mind to choose a sensible lunch was very profound. I don't know what i'm trying to say or even if anybody relates or follows what i'm trying to say, but something about this experience was truly meaningful to me.

It taught me a few things. Firstly, green smoothies help me by calming cravings. The more green smoothies i drink the less cravings for raw bread i apparently have. I looked at it yesterday and it didn't seem particularly like i wanted to dive in face first. Secondly, feeling my strong emotions is not that scary. They soon leave. Thirdly, making rational decisions about meals is best done in a calm state. Fourthly, drinking green smoothies at work worked for me and helped me to not snack. I said that already. Maybe i can't say it enough.

Yes, emotions can drive us to eat, if we chose to make that choice, i've apparently been doing it since i'm an embryo. In that sense, "it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you," is a very wise statement. It asks us to discover, "WHAT IS EATING AT YOU?"

I've been eating emotionally my whole life. A lot of things ate at me. I didn't know how to just feel my feelings, be proactive, get my needs met, communicate my feelings, set boundaries, confront people. I didn't know how to do that. In essence, becoming an emotional eater, i never DEVELOPED those skills. When i felt a strong emotion, i just ATE.

I assume this is the same for other people who eat emotionally. We feel bad, we eat bad, if it's a bad choice, it will make us feel bad not only physically, but effect us spiritually, emotionally, mentally (according to the Green Gorilla book), we'll feel guilty and ashamed, and then we'll tend to pick up things that temporarily make us feel better, only to ultimately feel bad again, and on and on. You gain weight. You feel worse. You eat worse. It's a vicous cycle.

On the other hand, we can make a different choice. We can feel our feelings and not EAT over them.

By using self-discipline, by having a food plan, (mine is 100% raw today with lots of green smoothies), we discipline ourselves to our certain regiment, and in staying on that and not USING FOOD to numb our emotions, but allow ourselves to feel them (they eventually dissappate, or we address them), we can make sane food choices within our program from a calm state, we consequently feel GREAT and continue to make good choices, we feel GREAT, we continue to make good choices. It is also a compounding thing. The better you do and the better you feel the better choices you continue to make.

When we make bad food choices, that compounds, and we continue to make bad choices.

We're coming from two different places. When we react emotionally, it's probably EGO driving us. When we eat from that calm sane place, it's our HIGHER POWER leading us.

Being in that HIGHER POWER place is a blessing and gives us the presence of mind to MAKE A COMMITTMENT, STICK TO IT, and just LEARN TO COPE.

Self awareness is key. Listening to yourself. Being very aware of your thoughts, of your desires and from where they are coming is key.

So, the statement, "it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating YOU," is a kind of a cool statement to make us realize the POWER of emotions and how they play such a huge role in our food lives. Yes, we can choose to eat emotionally. But, when we eat emotionally, i can guarantee you that it is not food that is good for us. It's usually ego-gratifying food: pizza, eggrolls. And we will feel like shit and we will pick them up again and feel like shit and the ball won't stop snowballing. At least this is how i am.

Now, within the raw realm, i am allowing myself some little treats. A few bites of raw bread, a little olive oil. I THINK because of the POWER of the GREEN SMOOTHIES to calm cravings, things are not snowballing out of control for me thus far. I am merely grateful.

That said, not EVERYONE needs or even WANTS to stay 100% raw. I had a conversation with one of my best friends yesterday who is embarking on a raw program, but she does not strive to be 100% raw. She is finding her way and aiming to control herself to small quantities and feel guilt-free about the non-raw food choices she makes. So far, she is doing fabulously. Bravo, Jan! She is discovering how much of certain non-raw foods she can eat without feeling intensely stimulated and going overboard. This is something we all have to figure out. We ALL have to find our way. Basically, we need to know WHO we are and what our OWN PERSONAL LIMITATIONS are. Today, if i have a peice of pizza, i don't think i could stop at one. If you can, god bless ya! Go for it!

Take my catering partner, Susan. She eats meat. Guilt-free. She also eats a diet of about 90% raw fruits and vegetables, minimimal salt and fat. She eats so cleanly, and then she eats some good stuff, too. She is maintaining a 50 lb weight loss. She stops eating at 6 or 7 pm. She is doing what works for her and thriving. She proudly states, "i eat everything." She doesn't STRIVE to be 100% raw.

Then, there is ME. I tried to have a little. At the time, over the last 6 months, i couldn't make it work. I ended up gaining over 50 lbs. That's MY story. So, i'm back 100% raw for ME. To address MY present needs.

All in all, this is what i wanted to impart: we need to feel our feelings, we need to recognize that some foods can cause us to desire them in greater quantities and we each have personal limitations in this regards, we need to find a disciplined program that works for us, we need to drink a lot of green smoothies if we tend to eat emotionally - i really think they're helping.

This was kind of a long diatribe and i'm not sure if it made sense, but i hope you got something from it.

xoxo michelle joy

GREEN SMOOTHIE FEAST - DAY 5!!

SUCCESS!
I'm still in shock and amazement that as little as 6 days ago, my binge eating and my weight was so out of control. This m0rning, I weigh at least 22 lbs LESS than i did 6 days ago. I'm back to 288 from 310, and it's only the 5th day of my smoothie feast.


BINGE EATING IS NOT FUN!
The last car binge I had is an especially vivid and not so fond memory, but it's crucial to remember, to burn it in my memory. How i felt. How it felt. I don't want to go back there.


THE BIG GIANT GREEN HAIRY MONSTER
I had just come from a meeting about the raw catering job Susan and I are doing, i felt so high, so positive, so excited, so hopeful, and yet...this voice in my head said, "Go eat."

Was i hungry?

No.

It was kind of like there was this big giant hairy green monster that had me brainwashed and was holding a gun to my head.

"Go eat!," it implored.

I obeyed.

What a crazy insane compulsion. To eat when you're not even hungry, and to eat like i did, and such gross unhealthy things in such huge quantities.

Look, i'm a nice person. This was some kind of force at work in me. This wasn't ME, the ME that I want me to be. This was sickness and disease at work.

I ended up at an italian take-out joint and ordered the eggplant parmesan, which ended up being enough to feed a family of four in Bangladesh. (That's my funny joke, but it's not really funny. The sad part is it was true.) The eggplant was an extremely humongous portion and greasy and i remember realizing i wasn't even enjoying every cheesy greasy bite after bite. The huge quantity and the greasiness made ME feel like the grossest person on the earth. Accompanying the eggplant was ravioli with a gross tasting sauce. What would make a person eat something that didn't even taste good??? And how the hell can an italian restaurant screw up tomato sauce? The garlic sticks were supposed to be fresh and squishy, and were dried out, yet i couldn't get them into my mouth fast enough as i drove to find a spot to complete the binge.

Parking all the way at the far end of the supermarket parking lot, i felt like some kind of pedophile or someone sneaky, devious. That i had fallen this far really felt awful. There i was in the car with all of this food, out of sight from anyone, sneaking.

Down went the 4 breadsticks, the huge serving of eggplant, the ravioli, some of the salad (you gotta eat your greens), the Yoohoo drink, the tiramisu that i had bought for Cliff.

Earlier when ordering the meal, i pretended to be just a "hungry normal person" and slurped my first Yoohoo and munched on a bag of spicy chips.

Can i even explain to you how awful i felt after just the chips and Yoohoo? And then to pay for the eggplant meal, which came in a huge bag like i was going to go feed my family, but i wasn't, i was feeding ME. The shame was overwhelming.

The only good thing to come out of all of this is that i finally realize that I AM NOT THAT BIG HAIRY GREEN MONSTER.

I wasn't feeding ME, i was feeding a compulsion, a disease, an illness.

I am a beautiful person. That's not ME.


ARNOLD TO THE RESCUE!
That evening, i blew up like a balloon. My feet, my legs, my ankles, my face. I looked in the mirror at my cousin's house, who we were visiting, and my face was blowing up by the minute. (Arnold says water retention is the body's way to help keep the toxins from getting to your cells.) I felt so ashamed. Really, really awful.

The next morning, i called Arnold, and the rest is history.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~


DAY 5 OF THE GREEN SMOOTHIE FEAST!
It's now day 5 of the smoothie feast! I feel like a different person! I'm back to the ME i knew i was! Hot stuff, baby! I look better and better in the mirror every day. I feel energetic. Happy. GRATEFUL. Oh, God, SO grateful!

Yesterday i was so hungry for breakfast, i had like 4 or 5 glasses of green smoothie over several hours.

Lunch time, Susan and I shared a salad with raw almond dressing.

Later, i snacked on melon and pineapple.

For dinner, i had a big salad with the avocado dressing (mashed avo with garlic, lemon, water, celtic salt).

Later, i snacked on a pear, a few dates and a few munches of raw bread.

I know i'm improving because I even turned down an offer for more raw bread, replying, "Thanks, but i'm not really hungry now." Who's in charge? The big green hairy monster? I think not.

I'm paying attention and addressing hunger. Who woulda thunk it?

My plans to do strict 80-10-10 have gone a little grey with salted dressings on my salad twice a day over the last few days, but I'm really ok with it. This is a journey. Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm not binging on gourmet raw. I know what that's like: 3 bags of flax chips in a row watching TV, 2 boxes of raw fudge flipping channels.

I'm eating sensible raw and eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i've had enough. I can cope with this.


THE GREEN GORRILLA
I'm reading a really cool book i found at Susan's house called, "The Green Gorilla."

One of the messages of the book is that FOOD, first and foremost, is what effects our emotions, spirit and mental space. This supports everything i've been discovering about overeating and binge eating. It's not so much the emotions causing the overeating and the binge eating. It's the overeating and the binge eating and the food choices causing the emotions.

Food can lift us up...(as i'm experiencing now). Or drag us down (as i've experienced too many times to count.)

Change your diet...and you change your life.

Dr. Amen also says this (http://www.amenclinic.com/). His message is, "Change your brain, change your body." How does he advise you to change your brain? By what you're eating.

You know that old saying, "It's NOT what you're eating, it's what's eating YOU?" Well, i'm finding that's not really true. It is what you're eating. Suddenly, when you eat well, you have resources with which to cope.

VIDEO VIXEN!
Here's the new video of me shot at Arnold's Way! Oh, my god, i am such a goof-ball, but we have SO much fun! No one could say I'm lacking expression!!! Enjoy!!! http://www.youtube.com/arnoldsway#p/a/u/2/h3OdCNUsKJE


JOIN THE 90 DAY GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION AT ARNOLDS WAY!

Arnold's Way is creating an energetic vibration - initiating the transformation of Lansdale by raising public awareness of the magical powers of the GREEN SMOOTHIE! Join the GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION! We are visiting schools, we are active in the community attending event, we are offering public talks, and handing out free smoothies! Help us to arrange places to speak, to raise awareness! We need volunteers to help! Ask us how you can join the Revolution! Follow along on youtube, hear the stories, watch the transformation, join the GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION! www.youtube.com/arnoldsway! http://www.arnoldsway.com/ 1/2 Price green smoothies everyday at Arnolds Way from 5-6pm!!!

xoxox michelle joy

FIRST MAGAZINE ASKS, "WEIGHT LOSS STORY ON YOU?"

Hi Michelle,

I was given your name and contact info from Angela Stokes. I'm a writer with FIRST magazine. My job is to find women who have amazing weight-loss success stories to share with readers. I hear you may have a story. Congrats. I'd love to learn all about it to see if it might be a good fit for the magazine. Do you have any availability this afternoon or tomorrow for a brief phone interview? Also, do you have any "before" and current "after" snapshots you could send me, just for reference?

Thanks for your help. I look forward to hearing from you soon,
Lisa

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Well, can you imagine my surprise receiving THAT email???? Especially with the dissappointing RELAPSE i've experienced the past few months. I decided to write "Lisa" back, and hope that, if not now, then perhaps in the future, a story will be written on me. It's very motivating that this request came now. It fills me with tons of motivation and inspiration to become the success-story I was meant to be! So far, the binge eating is gone and so is over 20 lbs of water weight and eggplant parmesan in my gut. In just a few days. Pretty spectacular this raw diet is. I had gotten to over 310 lbs. and this morning weighed in at 289 lbs. When did i start the green smoothie feast, 4 days ago?

Yesterday i had green smoothie in large amounts 3x, lots of apples throughout the day whenever i got hungry. A small salad for lunch at susans. A large salad at home with almond dressing. And a banana. It wasn't a fat-free or salt -free day, but it's working. It's a lot closer to 80-10-10 than full blown gourmet raw binge eating with 3 bags of Brad's chips daily and two packs of raw fudge as a "snack."

Here's the note i sent to "Lisa."

Oh, and this is the message i want to impart: I may fall down, but the days are long gone when i don't pick myself up again. Gaining 50 lbs was not fun and not something I wish to repeat again. Though it seemed i had lost control, I still had the wherewithall to not allow myself to gain everything back, plus more, like i have done many times in the past.

What i want to say is: I am a hard-core food addict and binge eater, so, f I can do this....believe me, ANYBODY CAN!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hi Lisa,

Wow, thanks so much for the interest in my story. I'd love to have a story written on me. Though i wish i were closer to my goal, I'll tell you a little bit about me.

Three and a half years ago, I weighed over 425 pounds. The picture of me in my purple moo-moo was when i weighed about 400 lbs. I could hardly walk anymore, couldn't fit in the tub, could hardly fit behind the car steering wheel, in movie theater seats or airplane seats. I was obsessed with food, especially hamburgers and fast food, and would shamefully binge in my car several times daily on enormous amounts of food. It was not uncommon for me to eat 5 or 6 value meals...in a row. First I'd drive to KFC, then to McDonalds, then to Burger King, then to Wendy's, then to Wawa. I was utterly hopeless, depressed, and completely addicted to food and to binge eating.

I knew I didn't want to get a gastric bypass. A lobotomy seemed more like the answer, because my head was so obsessed with food always!!! I didn't think the size of my stomach was the problem. I decided a radical change in my diet might rescue me from self-destruction. My wonderful parents helped to send me to a health retreat in San Diego as a guest. I was fortunate enough to end up securing a temporary job at the retreat, so that I could extend my stay as long as possible.

The retreat was a very special place that focused on food that would cleanse and heal. They served no meat, no dairy, no bread, just sprouts, wheat grass juice, fresh raw organic vegetables and greens, raw fruits, seaweed salads, unroasted seeds, a fermented quinoa drink called "rejuvelac," and tons of sprouts. Everything was raw, vegan and organic. This type of diet is called the "raw vegan" diet. Many people with cancer go to such retreats to heal wholistically.

The weight dropped off of me. In 8 short months, I lost 140 lbs. Not only that, my severely crippling back pains left me after only 4 days on the plan. My sleep apnea left, i stopped snoring, my depression lifted, I felt reborn, rejuvenated, and hopeful for the first time in a long time.

After my temp job at the retreat ended, I knew my need to stay on the raw vegan diet couldn't end. I came home to Philadelphia, and immediately sought out a job as a raw vegan chef. This would support my newfound diet and help me to inspire others to change their diet with my newly acquired skills in raw food preparation. I am blessed to be one of the raw vegan chefs at ARNOLDS WAY RAW VEGETARIAN CAFE AND EDUCATION CENTER in Lansdale, PA, for the last 3 years. (I am also now a partner in a raw catering company called, "Mostly Raw Catering." We catered a "mostly raw" party for 200 in honor of host Bernard Michael Beckwith last September!) Arnold's Way is the most wonderful place to work, so supportive, so nurturing. Arnold took me under his wing and continues to do so, prodding me along in the right direction.

While working at "Arnold's Way," I encountered a sticky situation with regards to food. Food was now around me all day, and snacking on cafe food became an issue. Though I gained no weight snacking all day, my weight loss did plateau for quite some time.

With Arnold's help, I began last summer to eat more and more lean and light fruit and vegetables, and less and less caloric avocados and nuts. I exercised more, and lost an additional 35 lbs, making my total weight loss 175 lbs. Here I am with David Wolfe at Angela Stokes' wedding last summer, where I sang as the bride walked down the aisle!

Weighing just under 250 lbs felt fantastic, but I was still about 100 lbs from my goal weight.

Unfortunately, my behavior the last few months have not only thwarted me from my goal weight, they sent me spiraling out of control. My mother became ill, I moved in to take care of her, and began eating emotionally, picking up comforting cooked vegetarian food again for the first time in 3.5 years. First it was beans, then it was rice, soon it became bread and pizza and vegetarian egg rolls, potato chips, icecream, cookies. My addictive leanings quickly escalated, as did my weight. Eating cooked food only inflamed my obsession for food, and packed on the weight. I gained back more than 50 lbs.

I realized the raw vegan diet was my savior and would rescue me again and I'm now back on track. Within just a few days, I lost over 15 pounds. What's so amazing about the raw vegan diet is how it controls my appetite and my weight.

Arnold has asked me to star in THE 90 DAY GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION at Arnold's Way! We are videotaping my journey weekly where I will return to my raw vegan diet, and drink green smoothies several times a day for the next 90 days, along with fresh fruits and salads, and minimize fat and salt.

I also detail my journey daily on my blog: http://PureRawJoy.blogspot.com.

My biggest hope is that my blog serves as an inspiration to those with binge eating and morbid obesity. Though I've not yet reached my goal weight, I recognize the value of the raw vegan diet to calm binge eating and to encourage rapid weight loss, and I continue to push myself forward towards my goal. So many people lose extreme amounts of weight only to gain them all back and more. I've done that numerous times in my life. The raw vegan diet is special. It keeps you in check, helps you lose fast and helps you lose your obsession with food. I'm glad I finally realize it again.

Please wish me luck in my journey.

P.S. I'd love to do a phone interview. I can be reached at 215-284-6525.

Sincerely Yours,
Michelle Joy Schulman

xoxo michelle joy

90 GREEN SMOOTHIE FEAST - DAY 3!

Hello there!

Still happy here! Yip, yip, yippee!

[What a wonderful turn of events from my depressing blog posts the past few months!]

I had a wonderful day! Most of the day was spent on catering planning with Susan. What a huge job! We have two big jobs...one for 200 explained more below, and the following week, one for 50 people in Swarthmore. We run a little business called, "Mostly Raw Catering," where we do fabulous gourmet raw faire with some cooked vegan bean dishes, should the party request them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Food wise, I did GREAT! I had lotsa fruit! It felt good and natural! In fact, it felt like OLD TIMES.

I had for breakfast several oranges. Was running late and no time to make a smoothie, so i brought smoothie ingredients to Susan's house, so I could make some later. [PROACTIVE PLANNING, see that?]

For brunch, I had fruit salad out with my "Mostly Raw" catering partner, Susan Aman, and Bruce Baber. Bruce is one of the hosts of the "YOU ARE THE GIFT" mostly raw dinner and celebration on 5/22/10, which we are catering...

YOU ARE THE GIFT CELEBRATION 5/22/10 - You're invited!
...And which YOU are invited to! We have seats left, so email me to RSVP right away if you are local and would like to come! The party takes place in Chestnut Hill (Phila, PA) and is FREE to the raw/vegan/earth consciouse community. The party is in celebration of our community and of sustainable living.

For lunch, i had a wonderful raw gaspacho. Fabulous, but i was hungry like a half hour later.

For snack, while visiting Arnold's Way I had a banana-durian-cacao whip. This was BEYOND BEYOND!!!

For mid-day snack, later, I finally had plenty of Green Smoothie, several glasses. I vitamixed 4 gorgeously ripe organic pears, 2 organic bananas, 1/2 giant tub of organic spinach, filtered water and icecubes. YUM!

For dinner, I had several more glasses of green smoothie followed by a salad that Susan made. Delish!

There were a couple of little snacks in between of fruit. I recall an apple at some point when i felt hungry, and there was a snack of frozen banana while driving in the car after brunch when I was still hungry. I ate frequently. I'm still a hungry mama with a big appetite!

My plan is to be low fat (one fat source a day, such as 1/2 durian pod, or 1/4 avo, or 10 nuts), lots of green smoothies, simple fruit and veggies in between, no oil, salt. I accomplished that for the most part with the exception of the salad Susan made that had some Udo's oil on it and a small amount of avo, and the salted gaspacho I purchased out.

But, i was really OK with my day, and quite PROUD of myself, actually. You control what you can control. You do the BEST you can.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I dressed colorfully, felt skinny, and looked cute :-) Feelings of pride. Feelings of self-worth. JUST BY CHANGING MY DIET.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SUPPORT IS KEY!
I'm calling Arnold 2x/day. How fabulous is that?

And I had a fantastic visit to Arnold's Way, where Arnold, Josh (another employee who leads raw empowering transformational workshops: http://www.radbod.org/), and I filmed a video to commemorate my new start.

Little did I know, I am actually STARRING in the 90 Day Green Smoothie Revolution taking place at Arnold's Way, in all of Lansdale and Montgomery County and Philadelphia and in New York and all OVER the world! Arnold wants to turn EVERYONE on to green smoothies!

Won't you JOIN me???

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

VIDEO VIXEN!
Be sure to look for the video we shot today at Arnold's Way soon here at 'pure raw joy.' You'll also soon be enjoying weekly video'd updates of my progress.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES!
Only 3 days ago i was car binging and filled with shame...and today, life is SO different. I can't believe how a life can turn around in such a short time. I feel so GOOD about ME.

I suppose I hit a "bottom," and to my credit, didn't allow my misery to go any further. I could have. But, i guess i'm learning that i actually DESERVE BETTER. :-))))

I'm SO entirely, peacefully, gratefully, blissfully glad to be back on the raw track...for the next 90 days!

Giving myself a number (90 days) soothes that insane part of my brain that wants to eat cooked food. I keep telling myself I can have it after my 90 days are up. I bet i won't even WANT it then! Because NOTHING TASTES as GOOD as THIS feels!

I told Susan today as i was luxuriating in my fabulous green smoothie, that if someone put a plate of fried onion rings in front of me right now, i wouldn't want them. Something's changed. A light switch has switched.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OPERATING OUT OF OUR HIGHER OR LOWER NATURE

As humans, we have two choices in how to live. The only way I can explain it is with Christian terminology, even though i'm Jewish.

We have the sin self, the old man, the lower, animal, base nature. We are reactive, we are emotionally driven, we are disconnected from our power, we feel hopeless, our destrucitve behaviors are out of control.

And we have our higher self, the born again man, the new man, the part of us spiritually connected to a higher power, who through the power of God, can accomplish anything. Suddenly, we can be PROACTIVE and take CHARGE of our lives!

When i'm doing bad, i'm caught up in a vicous downward spiral of reaction upon reaction upon reaction. Eat bad because i feel bad so i eat bad because i feel bad so i eat bad because i feel bad. I'm definitely not connected to any higher power then. I'm connected to a lower power.

I think sometimes we have to hit bottom to realize how much power we really DO have. When we're out of control, we don't realize it's there. When we don't know where else to turn, all of a sudden, we make a decision, it kicks in, and we're miraculously SUPER CHARGED and doing what we never THOUGHT we could do. I've done my fair share of praying over the past few weeks when i was in despair and feeling there was no end in sight to my out of control binge eating. That I am now back on track means that potential was there...ALL OF THE TIME...I just didn't realize it. Or tap into it.

If you're struggling, I invite you to join me in the GREEN SMOOTHIE REVOLUTION! I know I can't do it alone, that's for sure.

We can ALL be in 'pure raw joy,' baby!

EMPOWERMENT VS. COMPULSION

Think about this. Making green smoothies and committing to a program, FEELING empowered, proud, happy when you look in the mirror, happy when you see yourself looking healthier, feeling SUCCESSFUL and better physically...vs. An Eggplant parmesan enough for a family of 4 sneak-eaten in the car, along with 4 garlic sticks, raviolis, tiramisu, a bag of chips and two yoohoos - resulting in painfully swollen ankles, feet, and legs - and followed by feelings of utter despair, hopelessness and shame...

WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE???

WHICH ONE REALLY MAKES YOU 'FEEL' GOOD?

One makes you feel good temporarily. VERY temporarily. In a sick sort of way that ultimately makes you sick, and everyone around you worry about you. The other way involves you reigning yourself in a bit, but makes you feel good LONG after you're done drinking it! And the good feelings compound and compound! You not only feel happy, you make everyone around you feel happy!


SELF DENIAL
My mother recently said to me, "I ate two cookies and realized I'm not going to deny myself anymore."

Well, self denial is a funny thing. She's actually doing really great following the program (green smoothies, salads, vegan dinners), but allows herself a little treat now and again. She can handle that.

But, sometimes, there are people like me, that spin so out of control, things get SO BAD and there is huge weight gain and hopelessness and depression....that SELF DENIAL is EXACTLY what they NEED.

In denying myself, i feel RENEWED, RESTORED, REVITALIZED, REENERGIZED, REIGNITED.

At the wedding I just attended, everyone ate kugel and bagels and cake. I drank green smoothie. ZERO feelings of self-denial. Because i finally KNEW like I knew my own name what i needed to do for ME. I chose a 90 day cleanse, a green smoothie feast, and i was sticking to the program.

It was actually a RELIEF to NOT have to deal with that food. Because i'd only want MORE.

Drinking my green goo somewhere semi-private, I only experienced feelings of JOY. Pure RAW joy! Food had become tranformed to NOURISHMENT and HEALING instead of carnal LUSTFUL gluttony.

Having an eating disorder, I DECIDED to just take a break from it, take a break from what the supposed experts say will cure it, and just, well, take a break. It may very well turn out that the BREAK....is actually...the CURE.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Most people out there are not as bad as me, but...

Which do YOU chose? Make a committment to yourself...today!

xoxo michelle joy