quickie

work was tough yesterday.

i started out well. took a 40 mins walk. drank a green smoothie.

ate a 'legalizing' lunch sitting down, was calm, cool and collected. explained to arnold what i was doing. felt like i was cured of my eating disorder.

as the day wore on, i became bored with work and i had obsessive food/weight thoughts.

i wasn't hungry, which was bothering me, i like being hungry on fruit, i get to eat often and feel good.

I ate another meal at 3:15 for which i was not hungry. i just wanted it. it was another heavy nutty, salty meal. I ate it sitting down and with peace and enjoying.

later in the evening, i just kept going. i had another 2 meals seated for which i was not even slightly hungry. and i was eating very salty things, olives and pickles.

i hadn't urinated all day. i'm blown up like a balloon.

on top of that, i have another yeast infection.

i just don't think this is working.

i'm discouraged and bloated and itching and burning and dismayed.

i weighed in at 258 this morning. like, not a big deal, it's water weight and dehydrated food, but i work the next 3 days in a row. Am i going to keep going on like this?

i'm thinking either this idea to 'legalize' at work is so intensely complicated, emotionally, and mentally making peace with gaining weight, with getting bloated, with constant yeast infections from overeating fat...it may NOT be worth it.

i've been trying to do something here that i really had great hopes for. when i ate my lunch yesterday morning, i felt guilt free. that's so new. Either i'm just going to have to suffer through a horribly painful process emotionally, physically and mentally.....

OR this just does NOT work for my body and i need to make peace with THAT. my body does not like salt and fat.

my mouth does.

comments. support. help.

FOOD/ACTIVITY TODAY, WED 7/8
Beverage: 1 herbal iced tea, unsweetened

Exercise and Activity: 40 mins walk, worked for 7 hours on my feet all day

Br: 2 glasses green smoothie (banana, organic home grown kale, filtered water)

Sn: Shake at work (bananas, dates, mixed berry, mango, coconut) very yummy

Lunch: 1 salad of mixed greens, romaine, carrots, onion, tomato, zucchini with salt free cashew cream, 2 Tbsp nutritional yeast, lemon juice, raw apple cider vinegar

Dinner: 1 slice raw bread with cashew hummus, tomato, shredded carrot, onion; 1 package Nori crackers; 1 awesome foods 'eggplant parmesan'

Drink: 2 wonder kombucha drinks, 1 ayala water

Things kind of got out of control with dinner, but the morning was good.

I was trying to stay very positive mentally today and tell myself i was losing weight no matter what i ate (ala the Secret!). My good friend, Michele Lawrence, said i MUST do this. If i program my body to gain, it will. If i program my mind and body to lose, it will. I do know this: It lifted my spirits even after i failed to be 'good' as i had planned to be. And, in being more positive, more focused on joy even amidst 'bad behavior', i found myself brightening up and cheering up. I was also joyously moved to sing opera all afternoon, which was so lovely. This told me my spirit was happy.

Earlier in the day, my dear friend and coworker, Susan Aman, spoke to a customer about joy. Overhearing, it impacted me. She said, "We have to wake up every morning and say to ourselves, 'the entire point of today is to experience and to bring joy to the people in my life." Susan does this to everyone she meets.

The spirit and the mind really CAN conquer all. It was good to be connected for parts of today.

xoxo michelle joy