Dr. D loved my little story about Ricardo, the fried onion ring, and Benny, the banana. He is going to feature it in his newsletter!
Yesterday i had 7 bananas for breakfast, 4 for lunch, 2 stalks celery for snack, and 6 bananas for dinner.
Yesterday I did 35 mins of walking at a good pace.
Yesterday was a challenging day!
I really need to vent.
I'd been up since 4am, i awake very early now on bananas.
I was at my mother's rehab since 9am, and left at 7pm. A LONG day.
And even though i wrote that fabulous little ditty about Ricardo and Benny, and how much better Benny really is than Ricardo, i had the worst food thoughts yesterday that i've had these 9 days. I suppose it was the stress of the day.
More on that soon, but it was also something else. It was my banana sitauation causing me to feel unhappy. I have about 1/3 of a case of too ripe bananas, which i am not enjoying eating. I'll get a fresh case today and some ones that are ready to eat, too. Having my only sustanance in an unappealing state caused me distress.
Also, things are the rehab are not great - mom is doing well, it's the place that's not great. It's supposed to be 'top of the line' but unfortunately it is run very poorly. I had collected a list of complaints and i met with the administrator to voice them yesterday. I hope my mother can stay there because she is settled and the physical therapy is very good, but the aides are horrible, continual problems.
My mother, who is on BuSpar, an anti-anxiety med, is so calm it's bizarre, so i am left with the burden of freaking out over everything unsatisfactory.
I'm usually a very non-confrontational type person. i don't enjoy making waves. And still don't, even though i complained about a long list to the administrator.
And there are still things i'm unhappy with that i never voiced. The administrator was making excuses. 'i can't be here 24 hours a day.'
Unfortunately, i need time usually to process and feel confident in what i want to say...i need to mull things over....they don't always come in the moment. They come in my head, but i'm afraid to say it.
Most of what i wanted to say yesterday, i did, but I knew the administrator was making excuses, i wish i could have said it. "Hey, buddy, you are making excuses!"
I think he's pretty lame, actually, and a very poor manager. It came in my head to say it, but i didn't let it come out of my mouth.
Anyway, during lunch with my mom, i had some bananas in the room i wasn't too thrilled about eating (too ripe), and everyone at lunch was talking about food... it was challenging! i felt interested in their food! One patient's daughter had some avocado and tomato to put on her sandwhich and she was announcing and describing each action she was taking, 'And now i'll put on a little avocado....!" It was really hard. I felt very sorry for myself. I wanted the avocado. I wanted the tomato. Uy uy.
I had to go out to the store for my mom to buy her smaller bras...she's lost 30 lbs....and i "saw" fast food places, noticed them. I noticed Burger King, which has a veggie burger sandwhich. I know it doesn't taste good, but under different circumstances, i would have driven right in there, into one of my pleasure palaces..., ordered it, and begun the deed...french fries, coke, the whole 9 yards. And it would never end there.
Then there's icecream at McDonalds....
No, i didn't, but i thought about it.
And when i got home, i was having thoughts like, "when cliff goes upstairs, i'll go make some toast." I was still hungry after my unsatisfying meal of overripe bananas. And i was tired.
The fact that it would never stop with toast, i know. I talked myself out of it. "You're spending 4,000$ that you don't have to fuck up and eat bread and start binge eating again?"
I was exhausted from the long, LONG day, and tired physically and emotionally.
This whole thing with my mom is VERY exhausting. i've got to be her advocate, and usually gladly do it, because i am free of most responsibilities right now, i've taken off of work to do this, but it's a fulltime job.
And just recently, I do have other responsibilities, i have music to learn for upcoming performances, and Cliff wants to be taken care of as well, and i really felt pulled in many directions. I was crying earlier in the day about how overwhelmed i felt. Toward the afternoon, i felt emotionally better....but then later had those annoying food thoughts.
I know from my days of meditation that thoughts are thoughts and have no power, unless i give them power, so i just see them, and let them go without reacting. But i didn't particularly appreciate that i even had to see them in the first place. I'm glad I never gave in because everyone who was talking about food today and eating it was skinny and obviously doesn't have a problem with food like i do. It would have never ended with whatever i would have picked up.
Physically, i felt on edge again today. Everytime i was hungry, i felt miserable and irritable. Maybe it's me, but i swear since i've added celery, i don't feel as good. Does celery affect your blood sugar? Or maybe it's the too ripe bananas? I am edgy and iritable.
I urinated well today and drank water.
I have a break from mom today...i have a singing lesson and chores and responsibilities to do at home this morning, and won't go to the rehab until dinner time, so the break will be nice.
I slept more last night, from about 10pm to 5:45. i must have needed it.
i'm sure i'll have a good day today if i want to, you know what i mean? There is ALWAYS that potential for me to binge, but it's a mental decision first. A person doesn't do something they don't decide to do first. I'm sure when my banana situation is improved, i'll be happier as well. If the only food i have is not tasty to me, who wouldn't be slightly unnerved????
And emotionally, i had to discharge a lot. Usually, i STUFF it. So, being emotional, angry, confrontational, assertive, is not something i love. I suppose i love to supress it and numb it instead. But what does that do to me? It makes me fat and unhappy, becuase then i'll need to eat.
But, i did well, i spoke up, i was assertive. I should be proud of myself for getting through a challenging day without getting off track in what i ate.
xoxo michelle joy
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
CHANGES!
For one, on bananas, i don't smell. Zero Body Odor. Nothing but smelling fresh under the pits sans deoderant. Coochie-coo doesn't have any foul odor.
Yesterday i went shopping for shoes and realized when i took off my Birkenstocks, which previously stank, that, um, well, neither the Birkenstocks, nor my feet stank anymore...at all. How curious!
I thought it was the shoes.
Wrong!
It was ME.
I suppose when one is only taking in Bananas as (opposed to every fatty and fried thing on the face of the earth)...and now a little celery, this type of fuel keeps the body running clean.
Not having body odor is a real plus. Who enjoys smelling foul????? You know, when i was eating all of the crap? I really smelled bad.
I also wake up severely early. I fell asleep at 9:30p.m. last night and i'm up this morning at 4a.m. even BEFORE the birds!
I'm no longer snoring again. Eating cooked, i snored again. That's nice!
I don't seem to have any reflux either. How nice again!
Mom is experiencing some changes, too.
She's at the rehab for her 4th day today. She gets up out of bed at least 10-15x a day, aided, to go to the bathroom, to get into her wheelchair, or to go back to bed. I believe she is getting stronger. I say that hesitantly, because it's a little inperceptable at this point since she's receiving no formal therapy yet from the rehab, but, i do see it.
She does get awfully tired, though, during the day.
Actually, come to think of it, one of the BIGGEST changes she's had is that she sits up now almost ALL day, as opposed to lying in bed the majority of the day. That is tiring to her, as well.
She is incredibly weak and frail, but yes, yes, now, confidently, i can say, she is getting stronger. She could not sit up for more than 1 or 2 hours in the hospital, and now she is up and in the wheelchair for at least 7 or 8 hours a day, maybe even longer.
Mom is starting Physical Therapy at the rehab for the first formal day today. (Saturdays at the Jewish facility are rest days, and on Sundays, they have fill-ins for therapy.) Monday starts the real thing. We are anxious to see how it goes. This rehab is supposed to be renowned for their therapy.
Even so, Mom doesn't look that hot. She looked better in the hospital. I think that tube feeding stuff was BETTER for her than the "real" food she is eating. Her coloring doesn't look so great anymore, and she has a hemmorhoid starting again, only after eating solid food for less than a week.
Mom did better on the green smoothies and vegan stuff i made for her at home. She really did. The only thing is...they produced weight loss, not what we want now.
She is profoundly weak and needs to gain about 30 lbs. I am giving up control over her diet at this point now that she is in rehab, and just observing. Maybe she does need the protein?
But, what i see is not great.
I think she's had fresh fruit once in 3 days, and the salads at dinner time amount to one slice of lettuce and tomato. She's constipated and has reflux again.
What's more, the portions are unsubstantial in general, and the hot food arrives cold.
Overall, we're considering moving her. Not just because of the food. Yes, it is fantastic that it's a Jewish facility with Jewish style food often and syogauge services, but the aides are sub-par, and the expensive "top of the line" facility has been dissappointing in general. I have a list of complaints. There was a dirty bedpan in her new room (from the previous patient) when she moved in, for example. Unprofessional, unsanitary, and gross. We're speaking with the administrator today.
~ ~ ~
Let's get back to the food as your lover concept. Dr. D says that one of our most intimate relationships is with the food we eat. We have a relationship with our food. Our food is supposed to make us FEEL good. Our discussion of pleasure vs. happiness also comes into play here. If the foods we choose are only pleasurable going down, but cause us displeasure as or after they pass through our bodies, why should we eat them? What good do they really do us?
They're like a lover who makes grand promises, but never delivers.
If my mother's food at this joint were her lover, everyone would say He'd be making her sick. Hemmorhoids, starting again.
I'm worried. I hope she doesn't go backwards. She did have alot of drainage in her one abdominal drain left.
Yet, i say to myself, most people, for years, have been eating like my mom's eating now...processed foods, depleted canned fruits and bottled corn syrup laden fruit juices....and they're thriving, right?
My heart is heavy.
...
...
I hope that my mother can regain her strength using this food, and then, when she comes home, perhaps we can move to something more nutritious and better for her, which doesn't cause her to have hemmorhoids and reflux, but which also maintains her weight gain.
~ ~ ~
I have another little change, too. Since the addition of the celery? I'm gassy! How bizarre! Does celery cause gas?
LATER:
No, celery didn't just cause gas...you know what it DID cause? The biggest poop i've had yet this week! Wow! On bananas, i hardly pooped. Like a one incher once a day. This was a 3 pounder. Haha. No wonder i felt shitty yesterday. Literally, i was shitty....haha! Hahah!!!!
I'm getting closer and closer to 300, folks. I have about 11 days until the Vibrant Living Festival in Perkasie, PA, where i'll be singing. I should be under 300 again by then. And then it's GOODBYE to weighing 300 lbs....! During the next 3 months working with Dr. D, I know i will return to my beloved weight of 250...where i looked and felt so great last summer. Yeah!
You know what?????
The PLEASURE I received from cooked food doesn't compare to the HAPPINESS and HOPE i feel right now.
This is what PureRawJoy was supposed to be all about.
Welcome Home.
xoxo michelle joy
Yesterday i went shopping for shoes and realized when i took off my Birkenstocks, which previously stank, that, um, well, neither the Birkenstocks, nor my feet stank anymore...at all. How curious!
I thought it was the shoes.
Wrong!
It was ME.
I suppose when one is only taking in Bananas as (opposed to every fatty and fried thing on the face of the earth)...and now a little celery, this type of fuel keeps the body running clean.
Not having body odor is a real plus. Who enjoys smelling foul????? You know, when i was eating all of the crap? I really smelled bad.
I also wake up severely early. I fell asleep at 9:30p.m. last night and i'm up this morning at 4a.m. even BEFORE the birds!
I'm no longer snoring again. Eating cooked, i snored again. That's nice!
I don't seem to have any reflux either. How nice again!
Mom is experiencing some changes, too.
She's at the rehab for her 4th day today. She gets up out of bed at least 10-15x a day, aided, to go to the bathroom, to get into her wheelchair, or to go back to bed. I believe she is getting stronger. I say that hesitantly, because it's a little inperceptable at this point since she's receiving no formal therapy yet from the rehab, but, i do see it.
She does get awfully tired, though, during the day.
Actually, come to think of it, one of the BIGGEST changes she's had is that she sits up now almost ALL day, as opposed to lying in bed the majority of the day. That is tiring to her, as well.
She is incredibly weak and frail, but yes, yes, now, confidently, i can say, she is getting stronger. She could not sit up for more than 1 or 2 hours in the hospital, and now she is up and in the wheelchair for at least 7 or 8 hours a day, maybe even longer.
Mom is starting Physical Therapy at the rehab for the first formal day today. (Saturdays at the Jewish facility are rest days, and on Sundays, they have fill-ins for therapy.) Monday starts the real thing. We are anxious to see how it goes. This rehab is supposed to be renowned for their therapy.
Even so, Mom doesn't look that hot. She looked better in the hospital. I think that tube feeding stuff was BETTER for her than the "real" food she is eating. Her coloring doesn't look so great anymore, and she has a hemmorhoid starting again, only after eating solid food for less than a week.
Mom did better on the green smoothies and vegan stuff i made for her at home. She really did. The only thing is...they produced weight loss, not what we want now.
She is profoundly weak and needs to gain about 30 lbs. I am giving up control over her diet at this point now that she is in rehab, and just observing. Maybe she does need the protein?
But, what i see is not great.
I think she's had fresh fruit once in 3 days, and the salads at dinner time amount to one slice of lettuce and tomato. She's constipated and has reflux again.
What's more, the portions are unsubstantial in general, and the hot food arrives cold.
Overall, we're considering moving her. Not just because of the food. Yes, it is fantastic that it's a Jewish facility with Jewish style food often and syogauge services, but the aides are sub-par, and the expensive "top of the line" facility has been dissappointing in general. I have a list of complaints. There was a dirty bedpan in her new room (from the previous patient) when she moved in, for example. Unprofessional, unsanitary, and gross. We're speaking with the administrator today.
~ ~ ~
Let's get back to the food as your lover concept. Dr. D says that one of our most intimate relationships is with the food we eat. We have a relationship with our food. Our food is supposed to make us FEEL good. Our discussion of pleasure vs. happiness also comes into play here. If the foods we choose are only pleasurable going down, but cause us displeasure as or after they pass through our bodies, why should we eat them? What good do they really do us?
They're like a lover who makes grand promises, but never delivers.
If my mother's food at this joint were her lover, everyone would say He'd be making her sick. Hemmorhoids, starting again.
I'm worried. I hope she doesn't go backwards. She did have alot of drainage in her one abdominal drain left.
Yet, i say to myself, most people, for years, have been eating like my mom's eating now...processed foods, depleted canned fruits and bottled corn syrup laden fruit juices....and they're thriving, right?
My heart is heavy.
...
...
I hope that my mother can regain her strength using this food, and then, when she comes home, perhaps we can move to something more nutritious and better for her, which doesn't cause her to have hemmorhoids and reflux, but which also maintains her weight gain.
~ ~ ~
I have another little change, too. Since the addition of the celery? I'm gassy! How bizarre! Does celery cause gas?
LATER:
No, celery didn't just cause gas...you know what it DID cause? The biggest poop i've had yet this week! Wow! On bananas, i hardly pooped. Like a one incher once a day. This was a 3 pounder. Haha. No wonder i felt shitty yesterday. Literally, i was shitty....haha! Hahah!!!!
I'm getting closer and closer to 300, folks. I have about 11 days until the Vibrant Living Festival in Perkasie, PA, where i'll be singing. I should be under 300 again by then. And then it's GOODBYE to weighing 300 lbs....! During the next 3 months working with Dr. D, I know i will return to my beloved weight of 250...where i looked and felt so great last summer. Yeah!
You know what?????
The PLEASURE I received from cooked food doesn't compare to the HAPPINESS and HOPE i feel right now.
This is what PureRawJoy was supposed to be all about.
Welcome Home.
xoxo michelle joy
Sunday, August 8, 2010
IF FOOD WERE YOUR LOVER...
Morning Folks,
It's promised to be another gorgeous day here in Philadelphia!
Do you know....I feel happy and hopeful for the future again!
Remember last summer, when i was on 80-10-10, and walking daily, losing and feeling great about me? I feel right back "there!" I took my first walk yesterday since being on Banana Island, and it went quite well. Something about being on 80-10-10 makes me feel good - not depressed - elevated moodd - lots of energy - motivated - desirious of exercise. I feel so good about this, i can't even express it to you. I am so 100% sure that i made the right decision to work with Dr. Graham.
I really resisted.
80-10-10....just fruit? maybe some greens? hardly any fat? no salt? It's not exactly the pleasure palace of desire and lust that i usually lean towards.
But, you know what? I think Dr. D is right. Aiming for HAPPINESS is much more satisfying than focusing one's life on getting PLEASURE
Remember when i kept saying, "it's not the food, it's not the food making me binge" when i was eating cooked and temporarily in control of myself? Well, the control never lasted. It was always very short term. Those moments were amazing. "I can have it all! Cooked food pleasure, AND control, yes!!!"
I don't know. I must be missing a gene or something. Normal people can control cooked normal food with no problem. Me? It never lasts for very long.
If you were to ask me today, "Michelle, do you think it was the FOOD making you binge....or your emotions?" Today, i'd say, "it is the food that made me binge." When it all comes down to it, okay, yes, it's ultimately ME making that choice, but i choose FRIED, FATTY, FATTY and FRIED every time if i had the choice. Dr. D said, 'If heroin didn't make us sick and addicted, we'd all be doing it all day!'
And, what's that funny joke about dogs and their balls? "Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can!" Haha, it FEELS good. If there were no consequences, i'd still be eating onion rings. But, alas, they made me sick, fat, tired, compulsive, depressed and hopeless.
Eating bananas (only) this week has restored me to that old wonderful place, a magical place of peace and joy and motivation. This is the joy that PureRawJoy was founded from.
Fried Onion rings excite me, but make me feel exhausted and depressed. Bananas are boring, but make me feel GOOD and lose weight. In other words, they are good for me.
Let's continue the "food=relationship" that Dr. D suggested. If food were a lover, which kind of lover would it be....? Well, that depends on the food!
WHEN FOOD IS YOUR LOVER
If a fried onion ring were my lover, his name would be Ricardo! He'd be burnished tan and let his chest hair hang out of his shirt. Haha!
Ah, yes, Ricardo is so enticing! What a flirt! Sex with Ricardo is hot and exciting and spicy and i can't get enough of it. He is so exciting to be with! We go out together all of the time! Unfortunately, he's abusive and says bad things to me and make me feel bad. I can't help it, but I'm addicted to his abusive love, and not able to get out from the ring of his control. He's suffocating! He has no heart, it's like he's empty in the middle. And I keep getting weaker and weaker, and fatter and fatter, while Ricardo becomes more and more abusive. I'm so depressed. I've lost my motivation for life and sit around watching TV all day and only want him. But he's never there when i want him, and only around at certain times. I have to call to order him to come back home!!! What's more, I never feel fulfilled by his love, so i go out looking for other lovers, compulsively. Ricardo is beginning to dominate me and is getting more and more controlling, abusing me more and more. And after being with me, he turns cold and pulls away from me. I feel so bad after I'm with him! What was the initial attraction? I must be crazy! He's greasy. He smells bad, and wears too much cologne. I can smell him from a mile away! I thought he was so hot and buff, but he's really just weak and scrawny underneath it all. Emotionally, he falls apart at the drop of a hat. Inside, he's mush. There's nothing to him. He's a coward, he has no balls, no character.
Would i really want to live with a guy like this????
If a banana were my lover, his name would be Benny. Ahh, yes, Benny, my dear Benny. He's gentle. He's unassuming. He's kind, nurturing and loving. Okay, Benny's kinda boring and soft spoken, but our times together are always so pleasant and fulfilling. When i think about it, i really do enjoy being with him immensely. He's very natural. No, he is never as exciting as Ricardo. But, there is something about Benny's loyalty that really pulled me in. Benny's available all of the time, whenever i need him. He's always right there, ready to be with me. I feel comforted by him. My soul feels good around him. The more and more time i spend with him, the more i want him. I thrive in my relationship with Benny! I feel good about me. I feel good about us, though i STILL can't help missing Ricardo's spicyness and sexiness at times - God, that Ricardo just pulls me in! But, I enjoy life so much more with Benny. I enjoy fine walks in the beautiful air with him. I feel better about myself and everyone says i look terrific. I have so much more energy for life with Benny! The more time i spend with Benny, the more and more rich in spirit and personality he seems. There are layers to his personality i never realized at first. What an idiot i was to almost break up with him! He becomes more and more amazing to me everyday and I'm beginning to feel lucky. He's a real people person and always wants to be connected to me and others. And, he is so sweet! The more i know him, the sweeter and sweeter he gets! Yeah, sometimes he can be bland, but, i can't help it - i've fallen completely and madely in love with him. Some people can't understand the attraction because he's so meek and mild, but when they spend time with him, they eventually understand what a fabulous substantial guy he is. Everyone who gets to know him thinks he is the king of guys! Sex is gentle and kind and loving...and playful! When i undress him, he loves when i peel off his layers of clothes! God, he smells good...natural...and sweet! And I didn't know how buff and strong he was underneath it all. And what a character, that guy is solid through and through. But he's a softy at heart. He's the opposite of Ricardo, he's so nurturing and loving! Benny and I go everywhere together! What adventures we've had. I think i'm going to stick with Benny for a very, very long time.
Aren't i a lucky girl???
Which lover would you choose?
Hey, lemme know if you come up with anymore lover attributes for each 'guy!' This was fun and creative to think about!
xoxo michelle joy
It's promised to be another gorgeous day here in Philadelphia!
Do you know....I feel happy and hopeful for the future again!
Remember last summer, when i was on 80-10-10, and walking daily, losing and feeling great about me? I feel right back "there!" I took my first walk yesterday since being on Banana Island, and it went quite well. Something about being on 80-10-10 makes me feel good - not depressed - elevated moodd - lots of energy - motivated - desirious of exercise. I feel so good about this, i can't even express it to you. I am so 100% sure that i made the right decision to work with Dr. Graham.
I really resisted.
80-10-10....just fruit? maybe some greens? hardly any fat? no salt? It's not exactly the pleasure palace of desire and lust that i usually lean towards.
But, you know what? I think Dr. D is right. Aiming for HAPPINESS is much more satisfying than focusing one's life on getting PLEASURE
Remember when i kept saying, "it's not the food, it's not the food making me binge" when i was eating cooked and temporarily in control of myself? Well, the control never lasted. It was always very short term. Those moments were amazing. "I can have it all! Cooked food pleasure, AND control, yes!!!"
I don't know. I must be missing a gene or something. Normal people can control cooked normal food with no problem. Me? It never lasts for very long.
If you were to ask me today, "Michelle, do you think it was the FOOD making you binge....or your emotions?" Today, i'd say, "it is the food that made me binge." When it all comes down to it, okay, yes, it's ultimately ME making that choice, but i choose FRIED, FATTY, FATTY and FRIED every time if i had the choice. Dr. D said, 'If heroin didn't make us sick and addicted, we'd all be doing it all day!'
And, what's that funny joke about dogs and their balls? "Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can!" Haha, it FEELS good. If there were no consequences, i'd still be eating onion rings. But, alas, they made me sick, fat, tired, compulsive, depressed and hopeless.
Eating bananas (only) this week has restored me to that old wonderful place, a magical place of peace and joy and motivation. This is the joy that PureRawJoy was founded from.
Fried Onion rings excite me, but make me feel exhausted and depressed. Bananas are boring, but make me feel GOOD and lose weight. In other words, they are good for me.
Let's continue the "food=relationship" that Dr. D suggested. If food were a lover, which kind of lover would it be....? Well, that depends on the food!
WHEN FOOD IS YOUR LOVER
If a fried onion ring were my lover, his name would be Ricardo! He'd be burnished tan and let his chest hair hang out of his shirt. Haha!
Ah, yes, Ricardo is so enticing! What a flirt! Sex with Ricardo is hot and exciting and spicy and i can't get enough of it. He is so exciting to be with! We go out together all of the time! Unfortunately, he's abusive and says bad things to me and make me feel bad. I can't help it, but I'm addicted to his abusive love, and not able to get out from the ring of his control. He's suffocating! He has no heart, it's like he's empty in the middle. And I keep getting weaker and weaker, and fatter and fatter, while Ricardo becomes more and more abusive. I'm so depressed. I've lost my motivation for life and sit around watching TV all day and only want him. But he's never there when i want him, and only around at certain times. I have to call to order him to come back home!!! What's more, I never feel fulfilled by his love, so i go out looking for other lovers, compulsively. Ricardo is beginning to dominate me and is getting more and more controlling, abusing me more and more. And after being with me, he turns cold and pulls away from me. I feel so bad after I'm with him! What was the initial attraction? I must be crazy! He's greasy. He smells bad, and wears too much cologne. I can smell him from a mile away! I thought he was so hot and buff, but he's really just weak and scrawny underneath it all. Emotionally, he falls apart at the drop of a hat. Inside, he's mush. There's nothing to him. He's a coward, he has no balls, no character.
Would i really want to live with a guy like this????
If a banana were my lover, his name would be Benny. Ahh, yes, Benny, my dear Benny. He's gentle. He's unassuming. He's kind, nurturing and loving. Okay, Benny's kinda boring and soft spoken, but our times together are always so pleasant and fulfilling. When i think about it, i really do enjoy being with him immensely. He's very natural. No, he is never as exciting as Ricardo. But, there is something about Benny's loyalty that really pulled me in. Benny's available all of the time, whenever i need him. He's always right there, ready to be with me. I feel comforted by him. My soul feels good around him. The more and more time i spend with him, the more i want him. I thrive in my relationship with Benny! I feel good about me. I feel good about us, though i STILL can't help missing Ricardo's spicyness and sexiness at times - God, that Ricardo just pulls me in! But, I enjoy life so much more with Benny. I enjoy fine walks in the beautiful air with him. I feel better about myself and everyone says i look terrific. I have so much more energy for life with Benny! The more time i spend with Benny, the more and more rich in spirit and personality he seems. There are layers to his personality i never realized at first. What an idiot i was to almost break up with him! He becomes more and more amazing to me everyday and I'm beginning to feel lucky. He's a real people person and always wants to be connected to me and others. And, he is so sweet! The more i know him, the sweeter and sweeter he gets! Yeah, sometimes he can be bland, but, i can't help it - i've fallen completely and madely in love with him. Some people can't understand the attraction because he's so meek and mild, but when they spend time with him, they eventually understand what a fabulous substantial guy he is. Everyone who gets to know him thinks he is the king of guys! Sex is gentle and kind and loving...and playful! When i undress him, he loves when i peel off his layers of clothes! God, he smells good...natural...and sweet! And I didn't know how buff and strong he was underneath it all. And what a character, that guy is solid through and through. But he's a softy at heart. He's the opposite of Ricardo, he's so nurturing and loving! Benny and I go everywhere together! What adventures we've had. I think i'm going to stick with Benny for a very, very long time.
Aren't i a lucky girl???
Which lover would you choose?
Hey, lemme know if you come up with anymore lover attributes for each 'guy!' This was fun and creative to think about!
xoxo michelle joy
Saturday, August 7, 2010
A VERY BUSY DAY!!
Good morning,
It's bright and early on Saturday morning. Yesterday was Day 6 on "banana island." I'm feasting on bananas exclusively per my coaching with Dr. Douglas Graham.
It occurs to me that some of you might not be familiar with 80-10-10 or Douglas Graham. 80-10-10 is the name of his latest book, i believe, and it explains the ratio of raw vegan foods he believes creates perfect health: 80% fruit, sweet and non sweet, 10% protein, 10% fat.
Where do we get fat and protein from in a simple raw vegan diet? Nuts, seeds, coconut, durian, avocado, leafy greens.
Dr. Graham's website is: www.foodnsport.com. I suppose you would say that Dr. D is most well known in the raw and the sports worlds. He has trained, using his diet, Martina Navritalova, and other Olympic sports figures. And here he is working with ME!
My mother would say in Yiddish, "Fer Gelt kann man kriegen," which means, 'for money, you can buy.' It's not cheap working with Dr. D, and i barely have the money to scrap together to pay him, but we've worked out an installment plan, and i just KNOW this is RIGHT. You know how you know, when you know?? I just KNOW.
Yes, it's extreme. But so am i.
And sometimes, radical measures are necessary for radical people.
This feels SO RIGHT!!!!
~ ~ ~ ~
Good news! My mom had her first day in Rehab yesterday! She is settling in. It's going to be an adjustment, but she is already so much stronger, before she even got there. With an assistant's aid, she's been getting up and walking with a walker to the bathroom several times a night. Bravo, Ruthie!
The Rehab is in a Jewish Retirement Home. So, yesterday, we (i sat with her) enjoyed a Shabbat service in their synogauge together, and a real Shabbos meal including gefilte fish and challah and grape juice. I was crying i was so happy.
Two worries about my mom. Some congestion is back in her chest. It concerns me greatly what's she's eating, flesh protein and plain old regular food, and i know this causes mucous, but i have to let go of it, at least while she is in rehab. When she comes home, and i move in again, we can try to clean up her diet, but if she so chooses. If.
And, the anti-anxiety medication they have her on is making her demeanor somewhat flat. It's really freaking me out. On the one hand, it's great not to have the combative, resistant, rebellious mom we thought we'd have in rehab, but, still, it's strange. There i am kvelling over the synogauge and the meal and am a bundle of nerves the whole day, anxious and scared as anyone would be for their mom, and she's all cool as a cucumber - VERY UNLIKE her. "How are you, Mom?" "Fine," she answers.
Fine.
I said, "Mom, we were in synogauge, then you had a shabbos meal, and i'm there crying. My mother hasn't eaten in almost 3 months and this is her first shabbos meal, and you're all oddly flat...it must be the 'BuSpar.'" (the name of the med). She gave me a strange vacant Stepford Wives smile. And there is a strange vacant look in her eyes.
Yes, my nervous, hyper, anxiety ridden mother....is CALM, but at what cost?
~ ~ ~ ~
EATING IS A CHOICE
MJoy: Dear Dr. D, Today was a tough day! I knew instinctively that i would be held up today and would find it hard to eat lunch. Today we were moving my mom to the rehab. So, this morning, after i had like 6 bananas, i felt like maybe i should eat more so i wouldn't get hungry in 2 hours. I just thought i would prevent a premature hunger later when i'd be busy. So i ate 6 more small bananas, and man, did i feel sick, like i wanted to lay down right away, but i felt better within 15 mins. Breakfast was at 7:30a.m. and i didn't eat again until 9:00pm at night!
Having eaten this x-lg breakfast turned out to be wise because i didn't get a chance to eat lunch. I did have a bag of 20 bananas with me, all day. I just didn't have the time or the inclination or desire to break away from the goings on with my mom to eat. I kept figuring i'd eat later. Later turned into leaving my mom's new rehab at 8pm and not eating dinner until 9pm. I felt hungry all day, but just let it go.
Dr. D: When you KNOW you CAN eat, that food is AVAILABLE and you can CHOOSE to eat it when you are READY, you are eating out of choice rather than compulsion, you have come far, Michelle.
MJoy: Although today was not ideal - not enough meals, i managed through a very hard day. In one respect, i felt very much like any "normal" person who was pre-occupied and unable to break away from work or activities to eat. They feel hungry, but eat later. And that's what i did. In that way, it was very cool. I didn't NEED to eat just because i felt a little hungry. I also experienced no energy dips or feelings like i needed a nap. Mentally i felt good. I was busy. Physically, as i mentioned, i had a good amount of energy, very good, in fact. i don't feel dizzy anymore.
Dr. D: You are doing so well in so many ways, and having all the right insights.
MJoy: I awoke at 4:15a.m. and have been up since. i just couldn't fall back to sleep. i can't believe i made it through such a long intense day so well lacking sleep and not having eaten most of the day. That must be the power of raw at work here. Increased energy and decreased need for sleep digesting less.
Dr. D: Well done. Stay on the Island, Michelle, but on Day 8, if you would like to "discover" celery, be my guest. Continue eating bananas as per our plan, but add in "as much celery as you would like, whenever you would like to have some." OK?
~ ~ ~ ~
Wow, something new! Celery! Celery. Celery? Uy vey!
xoxo michelle joy
It's bright and early on Saturday morning. Yesterday was Day 6 on "banana island." I'm feasting on bananas exclusively per my coaching with Dr. Douglas Graham.
It occurs to me that some of you might not be familiar with 80-10-10 or Douglas Graham. 80-10-10 is the name of his latest book, i believe, and it explains the ratio of raw vegan foods he believes creates perfect health: 80% fruit, sweet and non sweet, 10% protein, 10% fat.
Where do we get fat and protein from in a simple raw vegan diet? Nuts, seeds, coconut, durian, avocado, leafy greens.
Dr. Graham's website is: www.foodnsport.com. I suppose you would say that Dr. D is most well known in the raw and the sports worlds. He has trained, using his diet, Martina Navritalova, and other Olympic sports figures. And here he is working with ME!
My mother would say in Yiddish, "Fer Gelt kann man kriegen," which means, 'for money, you can buy.' It's not cheap working with Dr. D, and i barely have the money to scrap together to pay him, but we've worked out an installment plan, and i just KNOW this is RIGHT. You know how you know, when you know?? I just KNOW.
Yes, it's extreme. But so am i.
And sometimes, radical measures are necessary for radical people.
This feels SO RIGHT!!!!
~ ~ ~ ~
Good news! My mom had her first day in Rehab yesterday! She is settling in. It's going to be an adjustment, but she is already so much stronger, before she even got there. With an assistant's aid, she's been getting up and walking with a walker to the bathroom several times a night. Bravo, Ruthie!
The Rehab is in a Jewish Retirement Home. So, yesterday, we (i sat with her) enjoyed a Shabbat service in their synogauge together, and a real Shabbos meal including gefilte fish and challah and grape juice. I was crying i was so happy.
Two worries about my mom. Some congestion is back in her chest. It concerns me greatly what's she's eating, flesh protein and plain old regular food, and i know this causes mucous, but i have to let go of it, at least while she is in rehab. When she comes home, and i move in again, we can try to clean up her diet, but if she so chooses. If.
And, the anti-anxiety medication they have her on is making her demeanor somewhat flat. It's really freaking me out. On the one hand, it's great not to have the combative, resistant, rebellious mom we thought we'd have in rehab, but, still, it's strange. There i am kvelling over the synogauge and the meal and am a bundle of nerves the whole day, anxious and scared as anyone would be for their mom, and she's all cool as a cucumber - VERY UNLIKE her. "How are you, Mom?" "Fine," she answers.
Fine.
I said, "Mom, we were in synogauge, then you had a shabbos meal, and i'm there crying. My mother hasn't eaten in almost 3 months and this is her first shabbos meal, and you're all oddly flat...it must be the 'BuSpar.'" (the name of the med). She gave me a strange vacant Stepford Wives smile. And there is a strange vacant look in her eyes.
Yes, my nervous, hyper, anxiety ridden mother....is CALM, but at what cost?
~ ~ ~ ~
EATING IS A CHOICE
MJoy: Dear Dr. D, Today was a tough day! I knew instinctively that i would be held up today and would find it hard to eat lunch. Today we were moving my mom to the rehab. So, this morning, after i had like 6 bananas, i felt like maybe i should eat more so i wouldn't get hungry in 2 hours. I just thought i would prevent a premature hunger later when i'd be busy. So i ate 6 more small bananas, and man, did i feel sick, like i wanted to lay down right away, but i felt better within 15 mins. Breakfast was at 7:30a.m. and i didn't eat again until 9:00pm at night!
Having eaten this x-lg breakfast turned out to be wise because i didn't get a chance to eat lunch. I did have a bag of 20 bananas with me, all day. I just didn't have the time or the inclination or desire to break away from the goings on with my mom to eat. I kept figuring i'd eat later. Later turned into leaving my mom's new rehab at 8pm and not eating dinner until 9pm. I felt hungry all day, but just let it go.
Dr. D: When you KNOW you CAN eat, that food is AVAILABLE and you can CHOOSE to eat it when you are READY, you are eating out of choice rather than compulsion, you have come far, Michelle.
MJoy: Although today was not ideal - not enough meals, i managed through a very hard day. In one respect, i felt very much like any "normal" person who was pre-occupied and unable to break away from work or activities to eat. They feel hungry, but eat later. And that's what i did. In that way, it was very cool. I didn't NEED to eat just because i felt a little hungry. I also experienced no energy dips or feelings like i needed a nap. Mentally i felt good. I was busy. Physically, as i mentioned, i had a good amount of energy, very good, in fact. i don't feel dizzy anymore.
Dr. D: You are doing so well in so many ways, and having all the right insights.
MJoy: I awoke at 4:15a.m. and have been up since. i just couldn't fall back to sleep. i can't believe i made it through such a long intense day so well lacking sleep and not having eaten most of the day. That must be the power of raw at work here. Increased energy and decreased need for sleep digesting less.
Dr. D: Well done. Stay on the Island, Michelle, but on Day 8, if you would like to "discover" celery, be my guest. Continue eating bananas as per our plan, but add in "as much celery as you would like, whenever you would like to have some." OK?
~ ~ ~ ~
Wow, something new! Celery! Celery. Celery? Uy vey!
xoxo michelle joy
Friday, August 6, 2010
THE WISDOM OF THE BANANA
Good morning! Today we move my mom to the rehab!
And today is day six on Banana Island! So, i finally ask Dr. Douglas Graham, who refers to himself as Dr. D., why bananas are his exclusive prescription for me for this week, and why he constantly says they are so good for me.
"Dr. D, Why all of the bananas???? What is the meaning behind it all?"
Dr.D answers:
The mono program serves many functions.
It gives us a baseline.
It gets you in touch with true hunger.
It lets your taste bud's sensitivity heighten.
It changes your relationship with food, and with yourself.
It makes eating raw really simple.
It limits variables to give us a better picture of what is going on with you.
It gives your digestive system a bit of rest.
It helps me find out how serious you are. :) Just kidding.
You are no longer stimulating and irritating your bowels with everything you were eating.
"Well...okay then!"
For more interesting banana facts, check out www.banana.com !
Remember! For $15 discounted tickets to the Vibrant Living Festival in Perkasie, PA on Sat, Aug 21, 2010, please contact me and i'll send you a special link....or scroll down a few blog entries to find the link. Tickets are regularly $25, or $30 at the door, but as a reader of PureRawJoy, you get 10$ OFF! Visit the festival website, but please buy your tickets at PureRawJoy! www.VibrantLivingFestival.com I'll be singing, so come on out for some great living food, great demos, lectures, and wonderful music!
xoxo michelle joy
And today is day six on Banana Island! So, i finally ask Dr. Douglas Graham, who refers to himself as Dr. D., why bananas are his exclusive prescription for me for this week, and why he constantly says they are so good for me.
"Dr. D, Why all of the bananas???? What is the meaning behind it all?"
Dr.D answers:
The mono program serves many functions.
It gives us a baseline.
It gets you in touch with true hunger.
It lets your taste bud's sensitivity heighten.
It changes your relationship with food, and with yourself.
It makes eating raw really simple.
It limits variables to give us a better picture of what is going on with you.
It gives your digestive system a bit of rest.
It helps me find out how serious you are. :) Just kidding.
You are no longer stimulating and irritating your bowels with everything you were eating.
"Well...okay then!"
For more interesting banana facts, check out www.banana.com !
Remember! For $15 discounted tickets to the Vibrant Living Festival in Perkasie, PA on Sat, Aug 21, 2010, please contact me and i'll send you a special link....or scroll down a few blog entries to find the link. Tickets are regularly $25, or $30 at the door, but as a reader of PureRawJoy, you get 10$ OFF! Visit the festival website, but please buy your tickets at PureRawJoy! www.VibrantLivingFestival.com I'll be singing, so come on out for some great living food, great demos, lectures, and wonderful music!
xoxo michelle joy
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN - SEEK FOOD THAT LOVES "YOU"!
Hi Folks,
Today is Day 5 of Banana Island...that's right, nothing but bananas! I'm bananas for bananas!
Under the guidance of Dr. Douglas Graham, I am going to return to my normal weight and end my lifetime compulsion/obsession with food, yay!
I can't tell you how on fire i feel for raw again! Just like the old days when i was newly raw and raw for 3 years.
I had really been through the ringer with lots of different and conflicting ways of thinking about raw and about food and about curing eating disorders, and had listened to and tried many coaches, plans, programs' advice, which only left me confused and feeling hopeless and frustrated about losing weight on raw, frustrated with losing weight on cooked, and hopeless about stopping binge eating.
Dr. Graham swears that i will lose all of my excess weight following his advice. Bananas??? Go figure. On Carlene's plan, they were forbidden. He knows Carlene and doesn't think too highly of her. Carlene, herself, told me that all of th people on her website who lost 100's of lbs have already gained them back.
So, week one is banana island. What week two entails, i have an inkling. To tell you the truth, i think or fear, not sure which, i'll be on banana island for like a month... I think he intimated that...
It's not too bad, actually. I eat when i'm hungry and that's that. He's pushing me towards large meals with nothing in between, meaning, say 7 bananas for breakfast, 7 for lunch, etc.. I ate 4 larger meals yesterday. And i've lost a ton of water weight. My face looks like my face again, and i'm not depressed at all. Man, was i feeling hopeless before. It was probably all of that shit i was eating.
Detox dizzyness and fatigue come and go, but i try to rest when i need to. i'm feeling particuarly good this morning. What a blessing!
~ ~ ~
Mom may go to rehab...TODAY!!!
~ ~ ~ ~
Dr. D and I had a particularly profound discussion about PLEASURE VS. HAPPINESS. Here is some of the discussion, as i thought it might help others suffering with food choices. I find Dr. D's simple short answers actually very profound in this particular discussion. Much of the discussion is me detailing my history with sexual abuse and with how the concept of "pleasure" has been so disturbed for me around food, around sex, and around life.
Dr. D: Let's start talking about the difference between pleasure and happiness, shall we? How would you make that distinction, if you were going to explain it to a 5-year old? Which is the one you would focus on?
MJoy: If i were explaining to a 5 year old, i would say that pleasure has to do with the senses...seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, feeling. But that happiness has to do with the soul or the heart.
Seeking pleasure / giving pleasure (when i didn't want to) has been such a huge issue with me. When i was growing up, i was sexually abused by someone who used me for his "pleasure." I know that that experience robbed me of a lot. I think i use fat to keep myself 'safe' from abuse and hurt now.
And i know i use food to feel pleasurable feelings - intensely pleasurable feelings. I am able to taste things others aren't. In chef-talk, i have an amazing palate. This has led me to become a chef and a caterer, whose food is 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at for the way i flavor things....BUT, i've abused that gift, seeking pleasure from food at all costs in a sick way.
Happiness is something i feel when i feel empowered...when i sing well, when i walk uphill or go shopping by foot miles away, when i have a great work out at the gym, when i look at myself in the mirror and like who is looking back at me. Happiness is something that makes my heart happy. Happiness comes from other people, too. Seeing my mom improve, seeing her become more independant and responsible for her health. Sharing a beautiful moment with Cliff.
Pleasure has become something that is private and sneaky and confusing because it often turns to pain.
Tying it in with sexual abuse - I know alot of women with sexual abuse issues often turn to food. I think food is very effective at numbing our painful emotions and our awareness. When we've had to withstand abuse, it allows us to fade and numb.
I grew up with boundary issues, obviously. i didn't know how to say 'no' or assert myself or not let bad people, bad things into my world. I suppose with food, it's been the same. I've had loose boundaries. I allowed the abuse to continue for so long.
I don't want it to continue anymore.
Also, with pleasure - one's life has to become pleasurable i think, if we are to give up our main #1 pleasure - food. So much of my life has been neglected at the cost of focusing on food. I would like to improve my home life - we have an old house that needs to be fixed up, my financial life - i'm broke, my career life - i barely have one, my sex life - my fiance is impotent (but i think i chose him for his safety)...we can try to have more sexual pleasure without having "sex".
Also, i think i feel badly about ME often, at the root of it all. I feel i don't DESERVE true happiness - money, career, etc... I have settled for a life of SMALL....and i've become BIG in body, instead of BIG in accomplishment or ACTIONS - I'm BIG instead of the BIG life i think i really could have. I'm so talented. I "should" have more and be more. I need to feel i deserve it. But i often don't. So i eat. And then i never focus on my life. I focus on fat.
Pleasure is a big, big issue.
And if i can learn to seek out those other pleasures and happinesses in life and give time to them - fix up my house, take a bubble bath, get busier on my career, go to the opera, etc... i think i will have more happiness in my life.
Binge eating does not cause happiness. In fact, it robs me of happiness. It does, however, provide a sick kind of pleasure, one I've gotten used to. It's abusing myself.
How can self abuse actually be ultimately pleasurable?
Dr. D: Thank you for this. I recommend seeking happiness, rather than seeking pleasure. Give happiness, as well. You are in a relationship with the food you eat. Choose foods that love you as much as you love them, and you have a marriage made in heaven. For now, bananas love you like nothing else can. Enjoy your time on the island.
~ ~ ~ ~
Very profound words from Dr. D.
How often do we seek food that doesn't love us? Foods that give us reflux or swelling or instant weight gain or fibromyalgia or diabetes?
Suddenly, it seems logical to start at scratch...with bananas. Dr. Graham says they are great for me and will be my ticket to freedom.
I'm tired of barking up the wrong tree, or endlessly seeking pleasure in food, to only get fatter, more unhappy and sicker.
If our food "relationship" is like a human relationship...why do we want to keep an old abusive lover around, who promises great things, but only delivers pain?
xoxo michelle joy
Today is Day 5 of Banana Island...that's right, nothing but bananas! I'm bananas for bananas!
Under the guidance of Dr. Douglas Graham, I am going to return to my normal weight and end my lifetime compulsion/obsession with food, yay!
I can't tell you how on fire i feel for raw again! Just like the old days when i was newly raw and raw for 3 years.
I had really been through the ringer with lots of different and conflicting ways of thinking about raw and about food and about curing eating disorders, and had listened to and tried many coaches, plans, programs' advice, which only left me confused and feeling hopeless and frustrated about losing weight on raw, frustrated with losing weight on cooked, and hopeless about stopping binge eating.
Dr. Graham swears that i will lose all of my excess weight following his advice. Bananas??? Go figure. On Carlene's plan, they were forbidden. He knows Carlene and doesn't think too highly of her. Carlene, herself, told me that all of th people on her website who lost 100's of lbs have already gained them back.
So, week one is banana island. What week two entails, i have an inkling. To tell you the truth, i think or fear, not sure which, i'll be on banana island for like a month... I think he intimated that...
It's not too bad, actually. I eat when i'm hungry and that's that. He's pushing me towards large meals with nothing in between, meaning, say 7 bananas for breakfast, 7 for lunch, etc.. I ate 4 larger meals yesterday. And i've lost a ton of water weight. My face looks like my face again, and i'm not depressed at all. Man, was i feeling hopeless before. It was probably all of that shit i was eating.
Detox dizzyness and fatigue come and go, but i try to rest when i need to. i'm feeling particuarly good this morning. What a blessing!
~ ~ ~
Mom may go to rehab...TODAY!!!
~ ~ ~ ~
Dr. D and I had a particularly profound discussion about PLEASURE VS. HAPPINESS. Here is some of the discussion, as i thought it might help others suffering with food choices. I find Dr. D's simple short answers actually very profound in this particular discussion. Much of the discussion is me detailing my history with sexual abuse and with how the concept of "pleasure" has been so disturbed for me around food, around sex, and around life.
Dr. D: Let's start talking about the difference between pleasure and happiness, shall we? How would you make that distinction, if you were going to explain it to a 5-year old? Which is the one you would focus on?
MJoy: If i were explaining to a 5 year old, i would say that pleasure has to do with the senses...seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, feeling. But that happiness has to do with the soul or the heart.
Seeking pleasure / giving pleasure (when i didn't want to) has been such a huge issue with me. When i was growing up, i was sexually abused by someone who used me for his "pleasure." I know that that experience robbed me of a lot. I think i use fat to keep myself 'safe' from abuse and hurt now.
And i know i use food to feel pleasurable feelings - intensely pleasurable feelings. I am able to taste things others aren't. In chef-talk, i have an amazing palate. This has led me to become a chef and a caterer, whose food is 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at for the way i flavor things....BUT, i've abused that gift, seeking pleasure from food at all costs in a sick way.
Happiness is something i feel when i feel empowered...when i sing well, when i walk uphill or go shopping by foot miles away, when i have a great work out at the gym, when i look at myself in the mirror and like who is looking back at me. Happiness is something that makes my heart happy. Happiness comes from other people, too. Seeing my mom improve, seeing her become more independant and responsible for her health. Sharing a beautiful moment with Cliff.
Pleasure has become something that is private and sneaky and confusing because it often turns to pain.
Tying it in with sexual abuse - I know alot of women with sexual abuse issues often turn to food. I think food is very effective at numbing our painful emotions and our awareness. When we've had to withstand abuse, it allows us to fade and numb.
I grew up with boundary issues, obviously. i didn't know how to say 'no' or assert myself or not let bad people, bad things into my world. I suppose with food, it's been the same. I've had loose boundaries. I allowed the abuse to continue for so long.
I don't want it to continue anymore.
Also, with pleasure - one's life has to become pleasurable i think, if we are to give up our main #1 pleasure - food. So much of my life has been neglected at the cost of focusing on food. I would like to improve my home life - we have an old house that needs to be fixed up, my financial life - i'm broke, my career life - i barely have one, my sex life - my fiance is impotent (but i think i chose him for his safety)...we can try to have more sexual pleasure without having "sex".
Also, i think i feel badly about ME often, at the root of it all. I feel i don't DESERVE true happiness - money, career, etc... I have settled for a life of SMALL....and i've become BIG in body, instead of BIG in accomplishment or ACTIONS - I'm BIG instead of the BIG life i think i really could have. I'm so talented. I "should" have more and be more. I need to feel i deserve it. But i often don't. So i eat. And then i never focus on my life. I focus on fat.
Pleasure is a big, big issue.
And if i can learn to seek out those other pleasures and happinesses in life and give time to them - fix up my house, take a bubble bath, get busier on my career, go to the opera, etc... i think i will have more happiness in my life.
Binge eating does not cause happiness. In fact, it robs me of happiness. It does, however, provide a sick kind of pleasure, one I've gotten used to. It's abusing myself.
How can self abuse actually be ultimately pleasurable?
Dr. D: Thank you for this. I recommend seeking happiness, rather than seeking pleasure. Give happiness, as well. You are in a relationship with the food you eat. Choose foods that love you as much as you love them, and you have a marriage made in heaven. For now, bananas love you like nothing else can. Enjoy your time on the island.
~ ~ ~ ~
Very profound words from Dr. D.
How often do we seek food that doesn't love us? Foods that give us reflux or swelling or instant weight gain or fibromyalgia or diabetes?
Suddenly, it seems logical to start at scratch...with bananas. Dr. Graham says they are great for me and will be my ticket to freedom.
I'm tired of barking up the wrong tree, or endlessly seeking pleasure in food, to only get fatter, more unhappy and sicker.
If our food "relationship" is like a human relationship...why do we want to keep an old abusive lover around, who promises great things, but only delivers pain?
xoxo michelle joy
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
VAST IMPROVEMENTS!
Just a quickie today!
Mom is doing marvelously!! She had her trache taken out, her feeding tube taken out....she's eating solid meals and tolerating them well...she's walking with the aid of a walker for a few minutes a day...she's left only with two abdominal drains, which should be removed after her rehab stint. Mom will be going to rehab within the next few days!
I want to thank all of you sincerely for all of your prayers and well wishes. Mom's made a miraculous recovery and we know that all of the prayers were working supernaturally to heal her. We feel so blessed to have her 'back!!'
~ ~ ~
Today is Day 4 of Banana Island and my coaching relationship with Dr. Graham. I'm enjoying my emails with him very much. He's been extremely encouraging and uplifting. I've been sticking to the program, eating only bananas and drinking water. I'm feeling tired often, but have been encouraged to rest as much as possible, as i'm in a detox. Often, though, i feel hopeful and very joyful about my return to raw, and i often feel a renewed sense of energy. I've been eating close to 30 bananas a day the last few days, which Dr. Graham says is just fine. We've been talking alot about the difference between 'pleasure' and true happiness, and about my addiction to food. Dr. Graham says that cooked food is a 'drug,' but then clarified, that he doesn't see cooked food as 'addictive,' but that humans can easily use/abuse anything to distract themselves. I am very prone to abusing food.
Dr. Graham has a method to his madness behind all of these bananas. He aims to return me to feeling hunger/fullness naturally, and addressing hunger, simply and easily. Bananas are also vitamin rich. And i suppose the mono-diet concept is also at work here. My digestion feels wonderful. Not acidy like it had been.
So, all in all, it takes discipline, but Banana Island is not so bad! It has it's merits and Dr. Graham promises that this is only the beginning of restoring my eating habits and weight to normal.
I've lost alot of water weight and feel like a new person - not like the intensely bloated one i was just days ago. And i often get glimmers of how it used to feel to be raw and to believe in it so much. Those were blissful days...and there are more ahead, to be sure.
I'm excited where this all will lead me and so entirely grateful for the support!
xoxo michelle joy
Mom is doing marvelously!! She had her trache taken out, her feeding tube taken out....she's eating solid meals and tolerating them well...she's walking with the aid of a walker for a few minutes a day...she's left only with two abdominal drains, which should be removed after her rehab stint. Mom will be going to rehab within the next few days!
I want to thank all of you sincerely for all of your prayers and well wishes. Mom's made a miraculous recovery and we know that all of the prayers were working supernaturally to heal her. We feel so blessed to have her 'back!!'
~ ~ ~
Today is Day 4 of Banana Island and my coaching relationship with Dr. Graham. I'm enjoying my emails with him very much. He's been extremely encouraging and uplifting. I've been sticking to the program, eating only bananas and drinking water. I'm feeling tired often, but have been encouraged to rest as much as possible, as i'm in a detox. Often, though, i feel hopeful and very joyful about my return to raw, and i often feel a renewed sense of energy. I've been eating close to 30 bananas a day the last few days, which Dr. Graham says is just fine. We've been talking alot about the difference between 'pleasure' and true happiness, and about my addiction to food. Dr. Graham says that cooked food is a 'drug,' but then clarified, that he doesn't see cooked food as 'addictive,' but that humans can easily use/abuse anything to distract themselves. I am very prone to abusing food.
Dr. Graham has a method to his madness behind all of these bananas. He aims to return me to feeling hunger/fullness naturally, and addressing hunger, simply and easily. Bananas are also vitamin rich. And i suppose the mono-diet concept is also at work here. My digestion feels wonderful. Not acidy like it had been.
So, all in all, it takes discipline, but Banana Island is not so bad! It has it's merits and Dr. Graham promises that this is only the beginning of restoring my eating habits and weight to normal.
I've lost alot of water weight and feel like a new person - not like the intensely bloated one i was just days ago. And i often get glimmers of how it used to feel to be raw and to believe in it so much. Those were blissful days...and there are more ahead, to be sure.
I'm excited where this all will lead me and so entirely grateful for the support!
xoxo michelle joy
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