Hi there, kiddies,
I weigh 263.5 from 279.5 just 4 days ago (-16 lbs). Freaky. But it was all water weight and lots of noodles!! Neverthless, this 80-10-10/Dr. Fuhrman-style program seems to be working.
Here's my food from yesterday.
Breakfast: Green smoothie - lots of org baby spinach, banana, vanilla
Snack: 5 Bananas
Lunch: Watermelon
Snack: Grapes
Dinner: Dr. Fuhrman no salt veggie soup with only a little bit of cashew cream in it and lentil beans
Snack: green smoothie, was hungry
Goals/Activities: i did dishes, we went shopping and were out most of the day.
3 Reasons i love me: 1) i'm trying 2) i'm learning 3) i'm listening
3 Steps in the right direction: 1) took a walk 2) lots of fruits and veggies raw 3) doing my homework.
I wrote this giant email to Meredith trying to explain my reasoning for wanting to try the Fuhrman program. She's really worried about me. I wrote for an hour, heartfelt, insightful...and i LOST it!
I'll be writing more later and will clue you in, too.
xoxo michelle joy
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
DAY THREE - Project Meredith and Michelle
Morning, ya'll,
I weighed in this morning at 266.5 down from 279.5 in two days. (-13) That's the power of no salt low fat mostly 80-10-10 after a huge binge.
I reported my Fuhrman soup last night to Meredith and, uh, well, she's REALLY worried about me. This was supposed to be an all raw 3 week challenge. I completely understand her viewpoint.
It's crazy I even started eating cooked food in the first place...about 2 months ago, then binged crazily on it, and then came to a place where i thought it might actually be an option for me for long term, a healthy option. But, it's understandable that there are so many differing viewpoints on what's "healthy".
That Fuhrman soup i made tasted kinda gross, no salt and only cashews as fat in it. Incredibly deflating and dissappointing. Could i realy LIVE like that????
More later,
xoxo michelle joy
I weighed in this morning at 266.5 down from 279.5 in two days. (-13) That's the power of no salt low fat mostly 80-10-10 after a huge binge.
I reported my Fuhrman soup last night to Meredith and, uh, well, she's REALLY worried about me. This was supposed to be an all raw 3 week challenge. I completely understand her viewpoint.
It's crazy I even started eating cooked food in the first place...about 2 months ago, then binged crazily on it, and then came to a place where i thought it might actually be an option for me for long term, a healthy option. But, it's understandable that there are so many differing viewpoints on what's "healthy".
That Fuhrman soup i made tasted kinda gross, no salt and only cashews as fat in it. Incredibly deflating and dissappointing. Could i realy LIVE like that????
More later,
xoxo michelle joy
Thursday, November 12, 2009
DAY TWO - The Meredith & Michelle 3 Week Raw Challenge!
Morning,
Just wanted to write in quickly and i'll update today.
I weighed in this morning from 279.5 to 272. After not eating any SALT and all RAW 80-10-10, my body released alot of water, pee pee pee pee, and i'm cleansing, 7 lbs worth, in one day. Well, i guess the more you stuff yourself, the more radical your results are. But there is sure nothing like FAST RESULTS to keep one motivated! I also feel a little detoxy, sort of like i have the flu. So, i know I'm on the right track!
ACTIVITY:
-30 min walk in mall. it's raining out. i still have a cold and feel lousy. Really lethargic and sleepy. I'm detoxing! i lost 7 lbs already, afterall.
- Not sure if i will get anything else productive done today. I'm really feeling lousy and still have a cold.
GOAL:
Dishes [didn't do them!]
FOOD:
BR: 2 glasses green smoothie: banana, pineapple, romaine, agave
SN: 5 bananas
LU:
-1 glass leftover green smoothie
-1 big bowl zucchini pasta with creamy red pepper tomato sauce (1 red pepper blenderized with 3 tomatoes, 1 tsp cashew butter, 1 clove garlic, ginger, lemon juice)
-2 cup hot herbal tea with raw honey and a spritz of organic soy milk (not raw)
DINNER: *** home-cooked Dr. Fuhrman style vegan salt free soup: (.5 oz cashew, .5 potato, mushrooms, celery, carrot, zucchini, onion, garlic, spinach)
*** I think this dinner was something i had to try. To just SEE if this might be a way for me to go. It certainly didn't taste as good as i hoped with zero salt and only cashew as a fat. i'm just trying to see what my options are. Because fat affects my reflux and i get so swollen from salt, i thought maybe Fuhrman's program would be good for me: half cooked veg, half raw, unlimited raw fruit, 1 oz nuts, no salt, beans and starches limited. I think i need a little room to dip my toes in the water and see about this. I will definitely keep my eyes open. My whole goal is not to binge. Can i do that on just eating normally (raw)...a little 80-10-10 and a little gourmet? it's certainly what i've been trying to do for over a year but i always lose control except for on 80-10-10 strictly. I know binge eating is emotional, but can't shake the idea that its exacerbated by stimulating foods (fat and salt) in my case. the allure of Fuhrman's diet was kind of dissappointed tonight by this soup. but, i'd rather turn from his program 'naturally' rather than in 'fear'. i hope that makes sense. I'm not viewing this episode as any kind of a failure. i did it consciously with my eyes open.
3 reasons i love me today:
1) i'm back on track. that shows courage and strength. no binge eating.
2) i notice i've gained alot, but i'm not in denial. i'm being proactive now.
3) i love color and am wearing a teal blue turtleneck today with torquoise earrings and a cute silk knit hat. i look cute and got hit on at the market. first time in a LONG time!!
3 things i did to get back on track:
1) drank green smoothie
2) took a walk
3) did my assignment and was HONEST!!!
More later,
xoxo michelle joy
Just wanted to write in quickly and i'll update today.
I weighed in this morning from 279.5 to 272. After not eating any SALT and all RAW 80-10-10, my body released alot of water, pee pee pee pee, and i'm cleansing, 7 lbs worth, in one day. Well, i guess the more you stuff yourself, the more radical your results are. But there is sure nothing like FAST RESULTS to keep one motivated! I also feel a little detoxy, sort of like i have the flu. So, i know I'm on the right track!
ACTIVITY:
-30 min walk in mall. it's raining out. i still have a cold and feel lousy. Really lethargic and sleepy. I'm detoxing! i lost 7 lbs already, afterall.
- Not sure if i will get anything else productive done today. I'm really feeling lousy and still have a cold.
GOAL:
Dishes [didn't do them!]
FOOD:
BR: 2 glasses green smoothie: banana, pineapple, romaine, agave
SN: 5 bananas
LU:
-1 glass leftover green smoothie
-1 big bowl zucchini pasta with creamy red pepper tomato sauce (1 red pepper blenderized with 3 tomatoes, 1 tsp cashew butter, 1 clove garlic, ginger, lemon juice)
-2 cup hot herbal tea with raw honey and a spritz of organic soy milk (not raw)
DINNER: *** home-cooked Dr. Fuhrman style vegan salt free soup: (.5 oz cashew, .5 potato, mushrooms, celery, carrot, zucchini, onion, garlic, spinach)
*** I think this dinner was something i had to try. To just SEE if this might be a way for me to go. It certainly didn't taste as good as i hoped with zero salt and only cashew as a fat. i'm just trying to see what my options are. Because fat affects my reflux and i get so swollen from salt, i thought maybe Fuhrman's program would be good for me: half cooked veg, half raw, unlimited raw fruit, 1 oz nuts, no salt, beans and starches limited. I think i need a little room to dip my toes in the water and see about this. I will definitely keep my eyes open. My whole goal is not to binge. Can i do that on just eating normally (raw)...a little 80-10-10 and a little gourmet? it's certainly what i've been trying to do for over a year but i always lose control except for on 80-10-10 strictly. I know binge eating is emotional, but can't shake the idea that its exacerbated by stimulating foods (fat and salt) in my case. the allure of Fuhrman's diet was kind of dissappointed tonight by this soup. but, i'd rather turn from his program 'naturally' rather than in 'fear'. i hope that makes sense. I'm not viewing this episode as any kind of a failure. i did it consciously with my eyes open.
3 reasons i love me today:
1) i'm back on track. that shows courage and strength. no binge eating.
2) i notice i've gained alot, but i'm not in denial. i'm being proactive now.
3) i love color and am wearing a teal blue turtleneck today with torquoise earrings and a cute silk knit hat. i look cute and got hit on at the market. first time in a LONG time!!
3 things i did to get back on track:
1) drank green smoothie
2) took a walk
3) did my assignment and was HONEST!!!
More later,
xoxo michelle joy
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
DAY ONE - PROJECT MICHELLE 'N MEREDITH!!!!
Hello, my dears!Well, today was day one of Meredith Frantz's 3 Week Raw Challenge!! She will send me food weekly from BOULDER, COLORADO all the way to PHILLY!!!!!! I will committ my food to her daily and do assignments. I'll 80-10-10 sometimes, and eat gourmet...in moderation! She's my sponsor!!!
So, how did today go? Well, after 2 days of nonstop bread/butter/egg/noodles/rice binge eating, i'm back on the raw wagon. I NEVER thought i'd ever go off. Seriously frightening how easy it was. November 15th is 3 years RAW for me.
Today, however, was not without it's challenges. I had alot of food thoughts. I had some cravings. I had some dissatisfaction with my meals. I felt like making a big pot of lima bean soup, but didn't. And i didn't eat any of my raw bread. I'm on a little low fat no salt cleanse until Saturday. Not easy, but so far so good.
I intended to be fat free today, but had a little cashew butter. I really wanted a salad and have a hard time tolerating it without any kind of a dressing. I think that's okay, actually. The cashew cream made the salad tolerable. Plus, Dr. Fuhrman allows 1 oz of nuts a day. I probably had about an ounce. I think that's a pretty great guideline to follow from now on.
P.S. Now i know why the majority of people eat food cooked. It's so freakin' delish. Zucchini spaghetti doesn't really compare to veggie lo mein, i must say. "Memories.....light the corners of my mind....Misty water colored noodles....of the way we were...."
Anyway, it's nice to be back on track because i was shocked how much i weighed this morning.
Thank God for Meredith's help. She's my little angel. She was right there when i needed someone. What's that poem about God carrying you in the palm of his hand? I feel rescued. thank you!
I received the most wonderful email from Meredith this morning. God, i'm lucky! My little sponsor is helping me, yay!!!
"I liked your #1 item "drank a green smoothie even though you didn't want to." This is the type of reprogramming I touched upon in my prior e-mail. When we recognize a pattern we have two choices... to continue repeating it or to choose differently and make a change. Sometimes, that change is something that half our brain wants.. and the other half says "no, no, stay in the dysfunction so the ego can rule your life!" A first step is doing what you know will bring lasting peace and joy, not immediate and temporary happiness. At the moment the green smoothie wasn't what you wanted, but now looking back on your day that green smoothie was something you are happy with. This awareness is important to changing patterns in behavior. You have to be honest with yourself and truly know yourself. It's a matter of choosing a new route, a new pattern, a new you!"
MEREDITH FRANTZ http://www.therawseed.com/ http://www.poppyseedtree.com/
Here's my report from today:
Weight: 279.5
GOALS/ACTIVITIES:
- I did the dishes, and straightened the kitchen and living room
- I made meals for cliff for the entire week
- It rained today and i felt really awful, still having a cold, plus just no energy. It was raining out and i stayed in all day.
GOALS FOR TOMORROW:
- Vacume living and dining room and the hallway downstairs
- Take a walk
- Straighten upstairs kitchen and dining room
3+ Things i love about myself today:
- I love my proactive attitude towards my large weight gain this morning. I know my 80-10-10 plan will get me back on track and clean me out. I love that i can see that clearly.
- I love that I did not allow this last cooked episode to snowball out of control any worse than it did. my enttire life has been filled with 50-100 lb gains. I love that i'm learning to nip it in the bud, relatively speaking.
- I love that when i had food thoughts today, i didn't give in.
- I love that the dining room is clean. I love to live in harmony.
- I love that when i eat no salt my body responds so quickly.I'm peeing alot!
3+ Things i did that are steps in the right direction:
- i drank a green smoothie for breakfast
- although i wanted to eat salty, fatty raw bread, i chose light whole foods instead today to help me cleanse
- I did my assignment and marked down my food
- Everytime i had a food thought, i saw it, and just let it pass. I didn't give in to raw bread or making lima bean soup. The 'craving' passed.
- I did not enjoy my pineapple shake at first, then it satisfied the hunger.
FOOD:
- BR: Green smoothie (banana, romaine, agave)
- LU: 3 apples and 1 mango, lemon juice and agave into mango applesauce
- LINNER: 1 head romaine, 1 Tbsp cashew butter mixed with water, vinegar, garlic, no salt
- DRINK: 1 glass fresh orange/grapefruit juice
- DRINK: 2 cups herbal tea with raw honey
- SNACK: Pineapple Frappagreeno - 1 whole pineapple, 1 head romaine vitamixed with ice and agave. Yum!
- DINNER: Zucchini Spaghetti - 1.5 zucchinis with tomato sauce: 3 tomato, 1 clove garlic, basil, ginger, red onion, 1/2 tsp cashew cream
- SNACK: TBD something banana-y?
xoxox michelle joy
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
A New Beginning! 3 Weeks of RAW Support from Meredith Frantz!
Okay, friends,Alot happens in one day to change a persons plans.
Isn't Meredith cute? I've decided ultimately to start another 3 week round of raw and to forget the cooked beans and veggies for now. And Meredith is going to help me.
I'm going to put Dr. Joel Fuhrman's book on the back burner. I think it is fantastic and his plan makes ALOT of sense. I bought his fasting book, "Fasting and Eating for Health" and his most popular book, "Eat to Live," and looked through them both today. I think they make ALOT of sense for me in that they exlude most fats and all salt, are high raw, low fat, and include some starches and beans, and they promise fast and SUSTAINED weight loss and decreased addiction to food as fat and salt are addictive and are proven to stimulate and exacerbate 'hunger.'
All of this will be GOOD for me, in due time. I'm going to study more and get prepared, but with the binge eating on cooked food having continued, unplanned, TODAY, and my weight is up an astounding 20 pounds since i last checked on Halloween, 10 days ago, I've decided to take drastic measures again and go back on 80-10-10 for the next few days and to continue to include limited raw gourmet in my plan, aided by Meredith.
I actually feel much much more comfortable about this plan right now as i KNOW it and it feels familiar. Giving it all up to make baked eggplant rolletini and baked stuffed peppers as Dr. Fuhrman suggests feels foreign and frightening to me at the moment, and i fear for my ability to stick to just that and not veer off into scrambled eggs and a half of a loaf of bread and a stick of butter again.
On Saturday, I'm due to receive the first of three small shipments of raw gourmet foods that i had pre-ordered from Meredith.
I've spoken of her many many a time. I'm sure you all know of her right now, but if you don't, please check out her websites. She is marvelous. http://www.therawseed.com/ and http://www.poppyseedtree.com/.
I realized these little shipments i had preordered might actually be a little blessing in disguise and just the thing to help me get back on track.
This is, afterall, 'pure-RAW-joy' and the whole point was to stay raw for the advantages it had to my weight and my binge eating. The cooked food binges the last few days were just AWFUL, i mean, deliciously awful, but WAY WAY W A Y W..A..Y..more out of control than even my VERY WORST raw binge, and the weight gain seems more extreme. I'm sure at least 10 lbs of this gain is all water weight, anyway. The rest of heavy grains. You'll be shocked how quickly they'll clean through.
Meredith understands my predicament and offered her support to get me through this latest slip. What divine providence! Meredith will be my sponsor for the next 3 weeks. I will continue along in the same path that i have been, and i will do a mixture of 80-10-10 and gourmet raw, using her packages, reporting daily to her.
The opportunity to get back on the raw path, supported, under Meredith's guidance, is intensely appealing. Meredith is a special person, a very insightful beam of light, positive and in the zone. And I need a friend now. I need a hand to hold. And honestly, she feels like an angel right now. And i feel blessed to be steered back onto the raw path by a strong raw foodist.
I called to inquire about Dr. Fuhrman's services. $580 an hour to see him in Flemington, NJ and follow up visits are $250. Well. That's just not something i am able to do. And i'm scared transferring over to an alltogether new diet. Cliff said, "So, you're going to abandon what's been working for you for 3 years???" He's been so concerned about me.
I have to admit, a cooked food addict cannot be trusted sometimes, unaided, with the cooked food, no matter if it is pasta or toast, or legal lean cooked beans and cooked veggies. Best to just let go of the notion for now and revisit it at a stronger moment for me, when i have more confidence in my ability to be successful at it.
So, for the next 3 weeks i am going to be under Meredith's tuteledge! I'm actually really excited! After that, we shall see.
Look, i haven't been doing GREAT since i started the blog, but i haven't been doing disasterously either. Maybe day to day i seem like a crazed lunetic, but overall, though i've made some progress, at least i haven't gotten WORSE. I mean, i don't weigh in the 280's. I did see in black and white just how useful 80-10-10 could really be, if i would just LET it be.
The preverbial shit really started to hit the fan when i opened the door to cooked food. Well, i think the worst decision was when i ate bread. I'm like that alcoholic character Nicholas Cage plays in Leaving Las Vegas. I started...and it snowballed and I had 3 horrendous huge wheat and fat centered binges within 1 week, way bigger than with raw, and I'm having great difficulty stopping. I NEVER planned on eating cooked again today. But i succumbed. It's a slippery slope out there and i need a hand to hold to get me back on track.
Meredith said, "I will help you in any way i can. Dustin and I have been concerned about you."
I'm so grateful for the support.
Meredith gave me a homework assignment already, which i am happy to share with you:
THREE things i did that are steps in the right direction today:
All of this will be GOOD for me, in due time. I'm going to study more and get prepared, but with the binge eating on cooked food having continued, unplanned, TODAY, and my weight is up an astounding 20 pounds since i last checked on Halloween, 10 days ago, I've decided to take drastic measures again and go back on 80-10-10 for the next few days and to continue to include limited raw gourmet in my plan, aided by Meredith.
I actually feel much much more comfortable about this plan right now as i KNOW it and it feels familiar. Giving it all up to make baked eggplant rolletini and baked stuffed peppers as Dr. Fuhrman suggests feels foreign and frightening to me at the moment, and i fear for my ability to stick to just that and not veer off into scrambled eggs and a half of a loaf of bread and a stick of butter again.
On Saturday, I'm due to receive the first of three small shipments of raw gourmet foods that i had pre-ordered from Meredith.
I've spoken of her many many a time. I'm sure you all know of her right now, but if you don't, please check out her websites. She is marvelous. http://www.therawseed.com/ and http://www.poppyseedtree.com/.
I realized these little shipments i had preordered might actually be a little blessing in disguise and just the thing to help me get back on track.
This is, afterall, 'pure-RAW-joy' and the whole point was to stay raw for the advantages it had to my weight and my binge eating. The cooked food binges the last few days were just AWFUL, i mean, deliciously awful, but WAY WAY W A Y W..A..Y..more out of control than even my VERY WORST raw binge, and the weight gain seems more extreme. I'm sure at least 10 lbs of this gain is all water weight, anyway. The rest of heavy grains. You'll be shocked how quickly they'll clean through.
Meredith understands my predicament and offered her support to get me through this latest slip. What divine providence! Meredith will be my sponsor for the next 3 weeks. I will continue along in the same path that i have been, and i will do a mixture of 80-10-10 and gourmet raw, using her packages, reporting daily to her.
The opportunity to get back on the raw path, supported, under Meredith's guidance, is intensely appealing. Meredith is a special person, a very insightful beam of light, positive and in the zone. And I need a friend now. I need a hand to hold. And honestly, she feels like an angel right now. And i feel blessed to be steered back onto the raw path by a strong raw foodist.
I called to inquire about Dr. Fuhrman's services. $580 an hour to see him in Flemington, NJ and follow up visits are $250. Well. That's just not something i am able to do. And i'm scared transferring over to an alltogether new diet. Cliff said, "So, you're going to abandon what's been working for you for 3 years???" He's been so concerned about me.
I have to admit, a cooked food addict cannot be trusted sometimes, unaided, with the cooked food, no matter if it is pasta or toast, or legal lean cooked beans and cooked veggies. Best to just let go of the notion for now and revisit it at a stronger moment for me, when i have more confidence in my ability to be successful at it.
So, for the next 3 weeks i am going to be under Meredith's tuteledge! I'm actually really excited! After that, we shall see.
Look, i haven't been doing GREAT since i started the blog, but i haven't been doing disasterously either. Maybe day to day i seem like a crazed lunetic, but overall, though i've made some progress, at least i haven't gotten WORSE. I mean, i don't weigh in the 280's. I did see in black and white just how useful 80-10-10 could really be, if i would just LET it be.
The preverbial shit really started to hit the fan when i opened the door to cooked food. Well, i think the worst decision was when i ate bread. I'm like that alcoholic character Nicholas Cage plays in Leaving Las Vegas. I started...and it snowballed and I had 3 horrendous huge wheat and fat centered binges within 1 week, way bigger than with raw, and I'm having great difficulty stopping. I NEVER planned on eating cooked again today. But i succumbed. It's a slippery slope out there and i need a hand to hold to get me back on track.
Meredith said, "I will help you in any way i can. Dustin and I have been concerned about you."
I'm so grateful for the support.
Meredith gave me a homework assignment already, which i am happy to share with you:
THREE things i did that are steps in the right direction today:
- i drank a green smoothie for breakfast even though i didn't 'want' to
- i ordered vegetarian binge foods, yay! veggie lomein, brown rice, mozzerella sticks and did not eat meat.
- i threw out the cold sesame noodles in peanut sauce after 1 bite because they were revolting and i didn't finish the broccoli pizza because it tasted like citric acid coated veggies.
- i purchased 2 raw themed health books by Dr. Joel Fuhrman "Eat to Live" and his book on fasting.
- i wrote to you and asked for help and accepted it when you offered it.
oops, that's 5! do i get an F for this assignment? or an A+???
THREE things i love about myself:
- i love that i want to sing and that it's important enough to me that i am practicing what i was taught at my last lesson even though i was discouraged and that it seems to be working. I love that i love to sing.
- i love that even though i was bingeing today i was NOT filled with self loathing, but had a rather relaxed attitude about it, not shame based, because i knew i would not let it go further.
- i love that i have good friends that can help me get back on track, and that i've been honest to myself about what's happening, to cliff and to friends, honest on the blog, and that i've been seeking solutions.
ONE goal for tonight:
- do the dishes and straighten up the downstairs.
ONE goal for tomorrow: i am off tomorrow, so have plenty of time to accomplish all three of the following goals
- Plan my food and follow through 80-10-10ing to recouperate from this last tremendous abuse to my body until Saturday.
- Make headway in straightening/cleaning/organizing the upstairs dining room and kitchen
- Take my first walk in over 2 weeks.
If i seem like a ship without rudder, flitting from one idea to the next, believe me, i feel like one, and I agree with you. But, I can't even look back now, just trust this next phase is pre-destined, and where i'm meant to be. I'm happy to kind of shut out the entire idea of cooked, at least for a few weeks.
Please, please keep in touch. I need you, too.
xoxo michelle joy
I bare it all....
Hello,
It's frightening to be where I'm at right now, AND to be forthright and honest about it.
I'm sick with a cold, AND I binged again today on bread, bagels, pasta, rice, butter, milk, eggs .
Well, at least I'm still a vegetarian.
This is the third cooked food binge episode I've had in the last 2 months, the second i've had in the last week, and in total, the third i've had within the last 3 years as a raw vegan. In fact, I celebrate my 3rd anniversary as a raw vegan on November 15.
I just need to back up a little. To kind of clarify where my head is.
So much has been going through my head lately. As i contemplate it all, i see a pattern of being influenced towards incorporating some cooked food into my diet over and over and over, and finding interest in this as a possible way for me to go.
Cooked beans and vegetables have been a part of my diet for the last few days, and i was thrilled with it. I woke up energetic, having eaten almost no fat, basically green smoothies for breakfast and cooked veggies and beans for lunch and dinner. I felt wonderful, other than the fact i had gotten a cold a few days earlier. I thought this would help me recover, cooked soup being not only soothing to a cold, but nutritious.
My voice felt better (low fat helps with reflux laryngitis), i lost the bloat from excess salt, and i really felt hopeful that i could embark on a new path of losing weight and getting healthier, and enjoy some comforting foods that just so happen to be zero fat.
I've not been able to lose any more substantial weight from the initial huge weight loss of 140 lbs in 8 months 3 years ago, although i have lost 35 more since doing more 80-10-10 and exercising. (Although now it might only be 20....)
All in all, what i've been doing isn't working for me. The insanity of swinging from 80-10-10 to gourmet. Then feeling like gourmet is my savior. To feeling like gourmet raw is my addiction. You know when an alcoholic finally takes that first drink the intense euphoria, "Oh, god, this is it! it's so wonderful! Of course i can control it!" only to watch themselves be dragged into the gutter carrying empty bottles. The alcoholic eventually loses control. Just like i do.
I can't seem to make peace with gourmet raw. I can't seem to control my fat intake in that diet. Plus, I don't feel well eating it. And 80-10-10 doesn't seem like the answer, either. After many months on that diet, just waiting to get off of it to have some gourmet raw, it just doesn't seem to appeal to me anymore.
So, what IS the answer?
I've been eating cooked beans the last few days, and cooked vegetables, and i really like them. Wooooo, scary.
The fact that i binged on cooked bread and fat and lots of it is kind of, sort of, insanely, besides the point. I know that road is hopeless. Cooked bread and butter is too insanely delicious for me to even contemplate maintaining that in my diet. I think these episodes have been growing pains. Painful, scary ones, but they are more out of frustration and boredom than anything else.
Emotionally, the only thing bothering me now is that my voice is in a sucky place, I want and need to sing and want and need to find a diet that supports my vocal health. Unfortunately, gourmet raw does not. As certainly butter and milk and anything cooked fatty does not. I think that was just a little rebellious detour.
I had a sucky singing lesson the other day after high fat raw swelled my larynx. I swear i feel like an alcoholic with fat. I had been low fat raw with no salt for days to ready myself for my singing performance on Halloween. If i tell you i was PHENOMENOL, believe me. I RARELY say i was any good at all. I was FABULOUS.
And then i came home immediately and treated myself. To fat. And more fat. And more. And then i couldn't stop. And then it became cooked fat. A big snowball that rolled out of control. And my voice is awful. And i'm a singer. And 'purerawjoy' was supposed to be about losing weight and recapturing my singing and living in joy.
I'm not living in joy with reflux.
I do think, from a purely, nutritional standpoint in going lowfat to benefit my voice AND my weight, that there is hope in the direction of cooked beans and veggies in that i can eat these foods fat and salt free and they STILL taste good. It's almost impossible to eat a salad with no dressing on it, at least it is for me.
I'll tell you where this headspace all began. I think it all started with Rebecca walking in to Arnolds Way. Check out her incredibly inspiring story here.
http://www.drfuhrman.com/success/SuccessStory.aspx?id=191
Rebecca is a vegetarian following Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live program, a salt free low fat program of 50% raw veggies and fruits, nuts, seeds, avo and 50% cooked veggies, beans and some starchy veggies. Since i last saw her, Rebecca has lost another 100 lbs, whereas I have not.
I'm still stuck. I'm still trying to eat fattening raw stuff in moderation and miserably failing, and getting nowhere.
Then Dr. Manguzzi walked into Arnolds Way. His clients eat a mostly raw diet with beans, no starch, very low fat, and continue to lose.
And Susan, my catering partner, eats about 5-15% of her diet cooked (beans, veggies, bread, some fish).
It's all been working on me, mentally.
I'm balding, i have reflux, and i can't lose anymore weight.
The online binge eating program has been good, but i've been perplexed about what to do with food. At work, i fail, falling under the spell of the gourmet stuff i make for people. At home, i started eating cooked starches and eggs. Snoring returned. Reflux is awful. I'm bloated. I'm confused. I'm a mess. I refuse to allow myself to spin anymore out of control than i already am. I need to find something that will work for ME.
I turned raw to 1) lose weight, 2) stop compulsive eating. I've done both, but my results have not been as successful as i would like. i binge on gourmet raw (fats, nuts/seeds), and i have another 100 lbs to lose. Gourmet raw seems like a healthful option for people who 1) can control their intake of it 2) don't suffer from reflux. I think for me it's a never ending battle and it's going no where for me.
Everyday on this blog i'm in a different head space trying to find my way. One day i'm touting the orgasmic qualities of the gourmet raw diet, the next i'm bashing it. I feel like Sybill with 20 personalities. I can't go on like this anymore.
I never wanted to pick up cooked food because i was afraid it would lead to binge eating out of control. Well, i suppose in a way, it has. These cooked food binges have been way way worse than any raw binge i've ever had.
But i don't see hope on the horizon with raw, especially raw gourmet. I can't lose weight eating tons of nuts, yet, i can't seem to control them, especially when they're mixed with salt and oil and it's so yummy.
Perhaps beans and cooked veggies I can handle. And i can put all of the other stuff behind me (bread, eggs, etc...)
I'm going to look into Dr. Fuhrman's diet, "EAT TO LIVE." Rebecca lost 330 lbs eating this way for the past 5 years. If cooked beans and veggies can benefit my health, my voice and my weight, why the fuck not?
Perhaps i can grow some hair back, start losing weight again and not swing back and forth between two radically opposed plans anymore, nor give into insane cooked food binges, but just stick to a commn sense vegetarian low fat at least 50% raw diet that i'm committed to that will work for me.
I sincerely welcome your comments.
xoxoxo michelle joy
It's frightening to be where I'm at right now, AND to be forthright and honest about it.
I'm sick with a cold, AND I binged again today on bread, bagels, pasta, rice, butter, milk, eggs .
Well, at least I'm still a vegetarian.
This is the third cooked food binge episode I've had in the last 2 months, the second i've had in the last week, and in total, the third i've had within the last 3 years as a raw vegan. In fact, I celebrate my 3rd anniversary as a raw vegan on November 15.
I just need to back up a little. To kind of clarify where my head is.
So much has been going through my head lately. As i contemplate it all, i see a pattern of being influenced towards incorporating some cooked food into my diet over and over and over, and finding interest in this as a possible way for me to go.
Cooked beans and vegetables have been a part of my diet for the last few days, and i was thrilled with it. I woke up energetic, having eaten almost no fat, basically green smoothies for breakfast and cooked veggies and beans for lunch and dinner. I felt wonderful, other than the fact i had gotten a cold a few days earlier. I thought this would help me recover, cooked soup being not only soothing to a cold, but nutritious.
My voice felt better (low fat helps with reflux laryngitis), i lost the bloat from excess salt, and i really felt hopeful that i could embark on a new path of losing weight and getting healthier, and enjoy some comforting foods that just so happen to be zero fat.
I've not been able to lose any more substantial weight from the initial huge weight loss of 140 lbs in 8 months 3 years ago, although i have lost 35 more since doing more 80-10-10 and exercising. (Although now it might only be 20....)
All in all, what i've been doing isn't working for me. The insanity of swinging from 80-10-10 to gourmet. Then feeling like gourmet is my savior. To feeling like gourmet raw is my addiction. You know when an alcoholic finally takes that first drink the intense euphoria, "Oh, god, this is it! it's so wonderful! Of course i can control it!" only to watch themselves be dragged into the gutter carrying empty bottles. The alcoholic eventually loses control. Just like i do.
I can't seem to make peace with gourmet raw. I can't seem to control my fat intake in that diet. Plus, I don't feel well eating it. And 80-10-10 doesn't seem like the answer, either. After many months on that diet, just waiting to get off of it to have some gourmet raw, it just doesn't seem to appeal to me anymore.
So, what IS the answer?
I've been eating cooked beans the last few days, and cooked vegetables, and i really like them. Wooooo, scary.
The fact that i binged on cooked bread and fat and lots of it is kind of, sort of, insanely, besides the point. I know that road is hopeless. Cooked bread and butter is too insanely delicious for me to even contemplate maintaining that in my diet. I think these episodes have been growing pains. Painful, scary ones, but they are more out of frustration and boredom than anything else.
Emotionally, the only thing bothering me now is that my voice is in a sucky place, I want and need to sing and want and need to find a diet that supports my vocal health. Unfortunately, gourmet raw does not. As certainly butter and milk and anything cooked fatty does not. I think that was just a little rebellious detour.
I had a sucky singing lesson the other day after high fat raw swelled my larynx. I swear i feel like an alcoholic with fat. I had been low fat raw with no salt for days to ready myself for my singing performance on Halloween. If i tell you i was PHENOMENOL, believe me. I RARELY say i was any good at all. I was FABULOUS.
And then i came home immediately and treated myself. To fat. And more fat. And more. And then i couldn't stop. And then it became cooked fat. A big snowball that rolled out of control. And my voice is awful. And i'm a singer. And 'purerawjoy' was supposed to be about losing weight and recapturing my singing and living in joy.
I'm not living in joy with reflux.
I do think, from a purely, nutritional standpoint in going lowfat to benefit my voice AND my weight, that there is hope in the direction of cooked beans and veggies in that i can eat these foods fat and salt free and they STILL taste good. It's almost impossible to eat a salad with no dressing on it, at least it is for me.
I'll tell you where this headspace all began. I think it all started with Rebecca walking in to Arnolds Way. Check out her incredibly inspiring story here.
http://www.drfuhrman.com/success/SuccessStory.aspx?id=191
Rebecca is a vegetarian following Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live program, a salt free low fat program of 50% raw veggies and fruits, nuts, seeds, avo and 50% cooked veggies, beans and some starchy veggies. Since i last saw her, Rebecca has lost another 100 lbs, whereas I have not.
I'm still stuck. I'm still trying to eat fattening raw stuff in moderation and miserably failing, and getting nowhere.
Then Dr. Manguzzi walked into Arnolds Way. His clients eat a mostly raw diet with beans, no starch, very low fat, and continue to lose.
And Susan, my catering partner, eats about 5-15% of her diet cooked (beans, veggies, bread, some fish).
It's all been working on me, mentally.
I'm balding, i have reflux, and i can't lose anymore weight.
The online binge eating program has been good, but i've been perplexed about what to do with food. At work, i fail, falling under the spell of the gourmet stuff i make for people. At home, i started eating cooked starches and eggs. Snoring returned. Reflux is awful. I'm bloated. I'm confused. I'm a mess. I refuse to allow myself to spin anymore out of control than i already am. I need to find something that will work for ME.
I turned raw to 1) lose weight, 2) stop compulsive eating. I've done both, but my results have not been as successful as i would like. i binge on gourmet raw (fats, nuts/seeds), and i have another 100 lbs to lose. Gourmet raw seems like a healthful option for people who 1) can control their intake of it 2) don't suffer from reflux. I think for me it's a never ending battle and it's going no where for me.
Everyday on this blog i'm in a different head space trying to find my way. One day i'm touting the orgasmic qualities of the gourmet raw diet, the next i'm bashing it. I feel like Sybill with 20 personalities. I can't go on like this anymore.
I never wanted to pick up cooked food because i was afraid it would lead to binge eating out of control. Well, i suppose in a way, it has. These cooked food binges have been way way worse than any raw binge i've ever had.
But i don't see hope on the horizon with raw, especially raw gourmet. I can't lose weight eating tons of nuts, yet, i can't seem to control them, especially when they're mixed with salt and oil and it's so yummy.
Perhaps beans and cooked veggies I can handle. And i can put all of the other stuff behind me (bread, eggs, etc...)
I'm going to look into Dr. Fuhrman's diet, "EAT TO LIVE." Rebecca lost 330 lbs eating this way for the past 5 years. If cooked beans and veggies can benefit my health, my voice and my weight, why the fuck not?
Perhaps i can grow some hair back, start losing weight again and not swing back and forth between two radically opposed plans anymore, nor give into insane cooked food binges, but just stick to a commn sense vegetarian low fat at least 50% raw diet that i'm committed to that will work for me.
I sincerely welcome your comments.
xoxoxo michelle joy
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Recovery and Repair
Hi there,
I have a cold.
I woke up with a sore throat this morning.
I truly thought i had escaped any negative consequences from my cooked food binge just a few days ago. But, alas, my body has a mind of it's own. Arnold, my boss, says a cold is your body saying it's on overload and that it needs a rest.
A raw day yesterday at work included lots of nuts. I wasn't feeling well yesterday before the nuts AND after.
Huge green smoothie for breakfast this morning. And i cut up oranges and Honeycrisp apples for the outing with my mother. Time to eat lightly and get my body healthy. The lighter i eat, the easier it will be for my body to fight off the cold.
I also did the saline nasal rinse this morning. Do you know about that? Well worth the investment. Keeps the sinuses free flowing. Also gargled with the salty water. Supposed to kill the sore throat. We shall see!
My mom and I are headed to watch the Met simulcast of Turandot at the Regal Warrington movie theater. So awesome, i can't wait, but i'm sneezing alot and not really feeling terrific, but i'll make the best of it.
I've had so much on my mind about the blog and about the nature of food and about my eating issues. So much going around in my head. Everyday, it seems, i'm in another headspace and, uh, it ain't fun. I guess you've figured that out if you read this!!!
Well, my mom seems to be ready. Have a wonderful day. More at another time.
xoxox michelle
I have a cold.
I woke up with a sore throat this morning.
I truly thought i had escaped any negative consequences from my cooked food binge just a few days ago. But, alas, my body has a mind of it's own. Arnold, my boss, says a cold is your body saying it's on overload and that it needs a rest.
A raw day yesterday at work included lots of nuts. I wasn't feeling well yesterday before the nuts AND after.
Huge green smoothie for breakfast this morning. And i cut up oranges and Honeycrisp apples for the outing with my mother. Time to eat lightly and get my body healthy. The lighter i eat, the easier it will be for my body to fight off the cold.
I also did the saline nasal rinse this morning. Do you know about that? Well worth the investment. Keeps the sinuses free flowing. Also gargled with the salty water. Supposed to kill the sore throat. We shall see!
My mom and I are headed to watch the Met simulcast of Turandot at the Regal Warrington movie theater. So awesome, i can't wait, but i'm sneezing alot and not really feeling terrific, but i'll make the best of it.
I've had so much on my mind about the blog and about the nature of food and about my eating issues. So much going around in my head. Everyday, it seems, i'm in another headspace and, uh, it ain't fun. I guess you've figured that out if you read this!!!
Well, my mom seems to be ready. Have a wonderful day. More at another time.
xoxox michelle
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