Night Away From Mom...

Morning, dear Folks,

It's Sunday morning, early, and I'm back at home in Manayunk, just for the night. We had a birthday party last night much closer to home.

I awoke worried about mom. She had very bad back pains yesterday, and when i spoke with her on the phone last night, she tried not to worry me, but i could tell her pains were severe. I can only hope she slept and didn't have to take too many pills to do it.

One of the HUGE problems with mom is that she is on alot of meds. And she readily turns to meds for ANYTHING. Can't sleep? SLEEPING PILL. Can't poop? LAXATIVE. Neck pain? MUSCLE RELAXER PILL.

When i put her on the raw diet, I didn't know what i was going to do with her meds. I was hoping she would feel BETTER, not WORSE, and that the meds issue would take care of itself. When we spoke with Susan on the phone, Susan said she shouldn't take any meds unless she felt she REALLY needed it. Mom feels she REALLY needs ALL of her meds.

For those of you who don't know, i've put my mom on a living foods diet because she's been diagnosed with a ''possible malignancy" in her Thyroid. In addition to facing a possible thyroidectomy, she is also facing possible surgery for a stomach polyp and to re-section the bowel, as her bowel is severely obstructed from a previous surgery, supposedly. In other words, mom is sick.

Previously, she has chronic back issues that resulted from a bone breaking off in her back due to weakened bones from years of steroid use and chemotherapy from previous cancer. The bone that broke off was taken out by a surgeon, and she's never been the same. She's left with severely impinged nerves, and scar tissue developed, pressing on the nerves. She has tremendous pain in her lower back, and legs, which are often numb, that she manages with 2 Oxycontin a day. Never more, rarely less.

It's very early, so i'll only know how she fared last night when i speak with her and see her this morning when i go back home to nurse her to health.

What do i know about nursing? And drugs? I'll have to consult Susan, an R.N. about all of this again.

I know with raw, we go through detox. It's a natural part of the process. Is this her detox process kicking in? I would suppose things could get WORSE, before they get better. But, God never gives us more than we can handle. Please God that we can get through this.

I bought a new supplement folks at the store are ravings over: Diatomaceous Earth. It removes heavy metals and toxins. I am going to start mom on this. Even if she is taking drugs while doing raw, maybe this will help force everything out.

And i must remember to get her to drink more.

You know what????? If her back pains are bad NOW, imagine what she'll feel like laying flat on her back for 2 weeks in the hospital following major surgery!!!! The last surgery nearly killed her. Not from the surgery. From the RECOVERY. She was in such excrutiating pain in the hospital bed, she wanted to die.

So, Cliff and I have moved in with the parents, temporarily, and I've put my mom on a raw diet and hope to pursuade her against having surgery. Tonight was our first night away since we moved in a few days ago. It's not easy.

Yesterday was day four for mom, raw. She began to complain yesterday of back and leg pains, but some of her behavior was extremely encouraging. You gotta take the good with the bad.

xoxo michelle joy

Here's what i wrote yesterday:
Mommy Ruthie woke up feeling congested and very tired. She hadn't slept well as my father's snoring kept her up much of the night. She awoke earlier than usual. Maybe that's the raw kicking in. We need less sleep on raw.

She wasn't feeling well and was in pain when she awoke. Mom has chronic back problems. [A peice of bone broke off in her back years ago, and when the drs removed it, she was left with impinged nerves, numb legs, and terrible pain in her legs and back. She's had several surgeries and procedures to clear away the "scar tissue," which was supposedly causing her pain, but the surgeries and procedures were to no avail.] I hope she never has to get cut again. I don't think all of these surgeries have done her any good.

After her new raw pre-breakfast ritual of warm water with lemon, we chatted for a while, I try to be as comforting and encouraging as possible, and after an hour or two, she finally got herself ready to go for her bath, before our walk. She apologized for having to stay extra long in the tub with the whirlpool aimed at her back as her back really hurt today. I have no idea if that is a result of the new raw diet. Sometimes things get worse before they get better.

After her bath, we had a green smoothie: romaine, spinach, mango, pear, banana, date, water. She is enjoying the smoothies, but still wasn't feeling so hot today, tired most of all, she kept reporting.

I was dissappointed she was still not feeling well on the walk and actually alittle fearful, but it seemed to pass. Her legs were bothering her and she was hot and uncomfortable and she had to sit down for a few minutes. It was very unusual and I was getting really concerned, especially since it was really cold out. I thought we would have to abandon the walk, but she began to feel better the longer we walked. I think she had a panic attack. (I think i have those from time to time when i am 80-10-10ing. No fat to calm you. Hmmm...)

I fear detox is kicking in sooner than i expected. It usually arrives around day 4 from what i've experienced and heard about, but soon she was feeling better and we walked longer.

Plus, overall, it's a challenge to figure out just how my mom is feeling. You have to interpret everything she says and really put 2+2 together to figure things out with her. You have to dig for information. "I didn't bring my cell phone," she says inexplicably. "What do you need your cell phone for, i'm here," I ask as we walk. "In case I have to call Daddy to come pick me up," she answers. "Why would Daddy have to come pick you up?," I asked. "In case i don't feel well and can't finish walking," she informed me. "ohhhhhh, are you in pain and feel like you can't finish walking, Mom?," With a deep sigh, she finally admitted, "yeahhh." It seemed like a little panic attack, actually, that she seemed to get over, that the pain in her legs brought on. Sometimes you just need to talk something OUT and you feel better. She has a lot of fear. And she doesn't generally like to talk about how she feels. Nevertheless, she began to feel better on the walk the longer we went, which i was happy to see.

When we got home, she had to rest a good while afterwards, which concerned me again. I seriously hope this diet is not going to turn out to more than she feels she can handle. Especially not being there with her while she's in pain, I hope she does not abandon ship too soon. I plan on being there daily as best as I can.

In a while, after resting she was feeling better, which was encouraging. So, we went and got our hair done, one of the many perks of living with mommy, i got treated to a haircut and styling.

She seemed quite upbeat at the salon! Her bad feelings of the morning seemed to have passed.

In fact, she really amazed me how open and upbeat she was about her new diet. Beaming, she informed the stylists and clients, "My daughter put me on the raw diet, you know, the smoothies!" When Helen, the hairdresser, asked if she was feeling any better in her stomach which has really been in severe distress for the last 4 months, she retorted, "you know, believe it or not, my stomach actually IS feeling better!"

My mom's stomach gurgles non-stop. It is one of those funny things about my mom. You always HEAR her belly and gastric juices churning, non-stop. She said to me yesterday, "My stomach isn't gurgling as much now." Now it only gurgles when she chews gum. A habit she has been reticent to give up.

But, hearing her say that her stomach is feeling better? Music to my ears. Without the motivation of getting positive results, i don't think ANYONE would do a diet like this!

The hairdresser, Helen, was genuinely interested in hearing about the raw diet, as she has had cancer three times. She's been familiar with the raw diet through what my mom has told her about me, so it wasn't all new, or unfamiliar or intimidating as it can often be upon first hearing about it. She genuinely wanted to know about it, so we had a good long chat about raw as she cut and styled my hair.

I shared with her how to make green smoothies, about strengthening the immune system through eating highly nutritious food complete with enzymes and no nutrients "cooked away," i shared with her about food combining if she still wanted to eat meat, which she said she did. We also talked about the apes and how they get big and strong on bananas and greens. And how cows grow huge on grass. People really never think of that.

We talked about how the raw diet can be such an enormous adjustment. "I think it would be really hard," she exclaimed. I agreed and shared with her that the majority of those that go on a raw diet do so because their health is in peril. I always say, "You have to have a very compelling reason to eat raw food." I shared with her about the green sludge i've been taking daily (E3Live). "I would NEVER believe i'd do something like that, it's so gross tasting. But it's over in a second and i feel benefits from it, so i do it," I explained. No body does anything unless they are motivated to.

With her three cancer scares, raw seems to intrigue her.

"But," she asked, "Where do you get your protein?" Such a common question. I explained that greens have more protein than we realize, and that nuts and seeds have lots and lots of protein. We talked about hemp seeds and how good they can be.

We even talked about drs and how all they want to do is operate, and sometimes it's unwarranted. She had breast cancer, but i suspect she did NOT have a breast removed as she was not overly sensitive of this topic. I think she only had chemo.

We talked about how food in the supermarket is made to last long on the shelves, not necessarily to make us 'healthy,' but to make the food production companies lots and lots of money. She agreed readily to it all.

I invited her to Arnold's Way and told her where she could get fresh organic produce (at Whole Foods or at Giant) and she was very receptive, appreciative of the info and open.

I love my haircut, AND enjoyed sharing with such a nice, receptive person!

What really tickled me, was my mom, how she is on her new raw diet. "Helen, don't ask me if i can have some pretzel. Michelle won't let me cheat!"

Demonstrating her gung ho attitude about the raw diet, when we got in the car to go, Mom said about Helen and her returning cancers, "Boy, she really NEEDS the green smoothies with all of the cancer she's had!" Mom is becoming a convert and seems super positive and motivated by the diet. I'm so pleased!

And when we were paying, mom was going on and on about how you have to chop up the dates and take the pits out and how avocadoes have pits, too! Cute. Cute. Cute.

Cliff and I were invited to a birthday party tonight which i really didn't want to go to, but we kind of have to. I left mom with three green smoothies in the fridge, and before i left, i made her a lovely platter of cut up veggies with a small dolop of sunflower seed/cashew pate. I wasn't sure how she would tolerate it, but she did and really enjoyed it. I think sunflower pate will be better for her than cashews, but it was all i had, it was already made up, my dad's been loving it, and, she tolerated it.

I'm trying to make the diet cleansing with the smoothies, but not overly un-livable. If she enjoys it as well as gets healthy on it, she'll be more likely to stick to it. And I'm seriously concerned about her losing too much weight or feeling too hungry. She's lost weight as it in with her bowel obstruction. I keep having to remind myself that O.H.I. served us sometimes 2x a day or more a scoop of seedcheese.

Cliff and I will sleep at home after the party. I'll have a chance to pick up and bring my raw equipment to mom's house so i can make her some more interesting meals with the cuisinart and the dehydrator, and, perhaps flax crackers and flax cookies. She likes a little sweet treat every once in a while and enjoys a crunch. O.H.I.'s menu had flax crackers on it I believe daily.

My intuition tells me I don't have to be so militantly strict with mom, like put her on a juice fast or something. I think maybe she's not as sick as the drs are making she is, with the thyroid. Anyway, i'm using her body cues as guidance. If something makes her not feel well, we'll certainly eliminate it.

Heck, i'm all new to this. I'm trying my best. There's so much conflicting info out there on how to heal on raw. Fruit or no fruit. Fat or no fat. When it comes down to it, trial and error is probably the best course of action.

She tolerated the salad with avo dressing relatively well that i made for her the other day and even bragged about it's deliciousness to Helen, the hairdresser. Something tasting good with a little salt and garlic i don't think will kill her. She did NOT get hoarse after the pate'.

Overall, her diet is light.

At O.H.I, we had sunflower seed pate several times a day, avo twice a week and flax and pumpkin seed crackers daily, or even twice a day.

Quickly, I'm doing well. Happy i'm staying raw, but it's not like i haven't been tempted. Boy, did i want to eat corn chips last night, but i got something crunchy that was raw instead as a substitute, carrot sticks! I enjoyed them and forgot about wanting the chips. Last night i was feeling terribly in need of some kind of snack. I made a banana whip and crunched on some raw bread, but i would have preferred a huge bag of fried corn chips.

I realized, emotionally, i was suffering. Not just from mom and the stress of it all, but from an upcoming singing gig i have in 13 days! I have to sing at a birthday party in spanish, 2 all new songs in spanish and one in french. I had forgotten with all of this with my mom. And I have an opera to perform in mid-april all in italian. Lots of work to do.

So, this is a day in the life of a raw food chef/opera singer with a sick mom. I so appreciate your support and encouragement and tips and advice and prayers. Please continue to pray for us. And please continue to leave comments or send emails. It's so encouraging! And let me know how you're doing!

xoxo michelle joy
LaSoprana@aol.com

More on My Mom...

Morning,

It's early mornings here at 'Chez Schulman' (our affectionate name for my mom and dad's house, which is so much like a luxurious hotel for us: whirlpool hottub, big soft comfy bed, 5 million cable channels). I wake up early here, about 6:30a.m. every morning now. I suppose it's because i've been eating 100% raw again...and my body needs less sleep.

I feel happy this morning, no, cheery, i should say, maybe not 'happy.' Yesterday, i felt very depressed all day and couldn't shake it. I cried several times. Worried about mom. Worried i'm doing the right thing. Not too happy with how i am looking. I have a class reunion coming up in October.

So...mom and I are doin' the raw thing. I think i'm into my 2nd week. She's on her 3rd day, i think. Previously, i had been raw for 3 years and then for 6 months went completely nuts on pizza and eggrolls. Now, i'm back.

I'm staying with my mom for a while, Cliff is here, too, until she is more set on her path, or to take care of her after her surgery. I write THAT latter part with a heavy heart.

I am NOT for the surgery.

She is speaking with the surgeon on Monday, the one who will potentially remove a polyp from her stomach and 're-section' her bowel, which is obstructed presently from scar tissue from a previous surgery. I will accompany her and we will listen to what the dr. says. But, then i hope she goes home and decides against it.

It was also suggested she get a thyroidectomy for her 'possibly malignant' thyroid, a second surgery.

She seems to really want the first surgery, although i'm REALLY TRYING my hardest to talk her out of it.

The thyroid surgery, she seems pretty set she does NOT want.

My reasoning to not get the first surgery is this: if she is going to try to heal the possible thyroid cancer naturally, which she says she WANTS to, why does she NEED to have a non-obstructed bowel???? Smoothies pass easily through her system. It's almost like she'd be shooting herself in the foot, now tempted to eat things she shouldn't, with her new bowel that can handle it. God obstructs the bowel to TELL you something. "Hey, dodo, eat light so you can heal!"

She's already feeling somewhat better. She seems to be thriving. She was not tired yesterday. She seems very grateful for my assistance/direction. She is gladly taking all of the food i give her without complaint and enjoying each meal. Her attitude is good. So...why does she need ANY surgery???

I try to explain that the polyp will dissappear just like Susan's tumor on her back did, and just like Susan's ring of scar tissue around her ankle did. Susan also had migraines and allergies. Did she get her head cut off to stop the migraines? Or her foot and ankle cut off to remove the ring of scar tissue around her ankle?? When we have a cold, do we get our noses cut off because they are stuffed???

Susan changed to a living foods diet, and these 'symptoms' of her diseased system all dissappeared. I'm trying to impart to my mom it's a WHOLE BODY DYSFUNCTION, not just random problems popping up everywhere.

[By the way, Susan is my catering partner, a Registered Nurse, and a living foods educator. She is AMAZING. If you'd like to contact her, please do, and let her know i recommended her. SusanAman@comcast.net/ ]

Mom just got up. She is complaining of being congested this morning. She's probably clearing mucous from her system with the new diet. Yesterday, too, she complained of an earache. I said, "You know what that is??? All of that icecream you've been eating. It'll go away! It'll clear out!"

So, yesterday, i made us green smoothie twice. We've used up all of the organic spinach at home, so i think we'll do romaine today. It's highly beneficial to switch up your greens.

Our first smoothie was 1 banana, 1 mango, 1 date, and 3 handfuls of organic spinach with water. Our 'lunch' smoothie was kinda tropical with starfruit and 1/2 mango as the fruit base and everything else the same.

I was hungry last night and she welcomed a snack, too, so i made a strawberry banana smoothie. My raw tahini that i had mixed with water and not refrigerated mistakenly had gone bad, but it was good without it.

Earlier, i was very hungry and had hand cracked almonds and hazelnuts. And later a salad with a tiny bit of oil and lemon. And earlier a whole avo.

I'm alot hungrier than my little skinny mom. My calorie requirements are much greater. But, i felt guilty eating so much fat.

Oh, well... I did walk 1.5 hours yesterday. My mom walked 45 mins.

So, back to the cancer: It was commented that fruit sugar exacerbates cancer. I have heard that before. And yes, where i went, O.H.I., (Optimum Health Institute), cancer patients were also restricted from fruit. They were taught to sprout at home, grow wheatgrass, ferment cabbage, and lots of other highly time consuming practices.

99% of people who leave O.H.I. never continue the diet on their own because it is just too darned complicated. All of that juicing and sprouting and fermenting.

My boss, Arnold, his philosophy is the opposite. He believes in a fruit based diet, and he has guided hundreds through overcoming cancer on green smoothies and a fruit based diet, so all i can do is hope and pray and believe. It is certainly much less work than all of the sprouting and fermenting.

Susan, also - this is her approach. It's called natural hygiene.

Although i've not been following hygiene strictly with mom. For instance, i made her a salad for dinner, which susan said would be okay, with homemade avocado dressing on it, which included avo, lemon, water, garlic, a tiny bit of raw honey and a tiny bit of celtic salt.

She enjoyed it very much. I told my mom, "I hope i'm not killing you with this," and i wasn't kidding. This is a lot of responsibility and i was crying. Garlic and salt and raw honey are not part of hygiene, but it's what i know. I know how to make things taste good.

I was still naturally apprehensive about it, but, Susan DID say she can have avocado, and people at O.H.I. had avocado 2x/week. We also had sunflower/sesame pate there, so i think this is something I will make for mom, too.

That fruit will exacerbate her cancer, i don't believe.

Well, I hope i don't believe.

Yes, I hope for her sake, it's not true. Because this is what i'm doing for her and she's enjoying it.

I'll check with Arnold and Susan again.

But, I don't know how many testimonials we have, over 200, of people losing cancer on fruit. If you'd be interested in watching hundreds of testimonials on youtube from Arnold's Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe and Education Center where i work, just go to Arnold's Youtube Channel: www.youtube.com/arnoldsway.

So, what i'm doing for her is Arnold's "way". Although garlic and celtic salt and raw honey don't really factor into Arnold's Way, but i think they are minor deviations. I don't expect to be giving her a salad with avocado and celtic salt daily.

And, honestly, I'm hoping and praying that because we are unsure if this is really cancer at all, yes, i believe they are active cancer cells on the fritz in the thyroid, that it IS sick, but i'm getting the sense it's not as life threatening as the drs are making it out to be. TWO drs said, "possibly malignant nodes on her thyroid." Yet, she has her blood tested frequently and there were no signs of cancer recently in her white cells or whatever the determiner is, so i'm hoping that the thyroid issue is not really TRULY cancer rampant in her body, and this living foods diet which is fruit heavy will cure her, fruit or no fruit. I think it will work. I'm hoping and praying.

We just so happened to turn on a wonderful movie yesterday called, "Secret Garden." It was a musical and there was a movie remake. We watched the original. What a wonderfully appropriate story for what mom is going through.

"As the garden revives and flourishes, so does Colin. He resolves to walk and run like a normal boy by the next time his father returns home; to accomplish these aims, he carries out a program of simple physical exercises and positive thinking. He makes great progress, but they conceal it from the rest of the household with the pretense that he is still an invalid." WIKIPEDIA

If you'd like to read the whole story of the movie, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secret_Garden.

Colin is 'supposedly' an invalid who can't walk or be out in the sun, and has tumors on his back (not tumors, they are his vertebrae!!!). At the end of the movie, he is happy, outside daily and walking outside of his wheelchair. If you listen to the drs, they'll convince you that EVERYTHING is wrong with you. My mother even said, "i'd probably have lived to 100 never knowing there was anything wrong with my thyroid."

Well, since the summer, she's been chronically hoarse. I think i forgot to mention that.

And, as a singer, i am VERY in tune with people's voices. This fact concerned me GREATLY, the hoarseness. I supposed it was reflux or dehydration. I was constantly on her to drink more and not eat things to cause reflux: overly fatty foods and proteins and coffee and mint.

oh, god. after the salad, she was a little hoarse. maybe too much fat? maybe the garlic? this is not going to be easy. i'm not a dr., just a daughter.

As it turns out, the thyroid shares the same nerves as the voicebox. So, this could be the cause of her hoarseness, mixed with reflux.

Yet, every Tom, Dick, and Harry you speak to has had their thyroid removed. I think it's the "in" cash cow surgery. Plus, afterwards, the patient is destined to need synthetic hormones daily for the rest of their life. Isn't that convenient? Who is pushing the surgery so much? Probably Astro-Zeneca or whoever makes those pills that everyone will NEED after they get their naturally-hormone producing body part removed.

Mom is drinking lemon water right now. Susan says it's a good practice for the morning and helps to stimulate the bowels. Mom's nervous because she hasn't eliminated in days since she's been doing this. I keep calming her that she WILL, she will. I hope she will. I think her body may just be adjusting. I hope so. Plus, she's not really eating that much, so there's not much to come out. Maybe i'll make her some flax crackers. We had plenty of those at O.H.I.

We have a party tonight, Cliff and I, but will return afterwards. I'll have to leave her some food for dinner.

Pray for us. Pray for me! Pray for her! Pray for it all!

Love can conquer all.

xoxo michelle joy

Day One of Mom's Green Smoothie Living Foods Diet

Hi Folks,

Hey, thank you for your support. I have already received several warm and caring emails from readers and feel very loved and cared for. Thank you :-)) Please continue to write in, write comments.

Say HELLO to my mom and dad, Bernie and Ruth Schulman.

My mom has been diagonosed with possible thyroid cancer and has agreed to undergo a diet transformation to heal herself naturally.

Yesterday was mom's first entire living foods day.

It's quite amazing that she first of all, agreed to do this, and second of all, actually completed an entire day.

When i awoke yesterday morning at her house (next to Cliff - we're going to be sleeping over here for a while to support/guide/get her on her feet with raw), she was automatically making herself a cup of tea and toast. When I heard the crinkling of the raisin bread bag, i jumped up, "Mom, i'm going to make you a green smoothie." "Okay," she replied.

Later, she informed me she hadn't known we were 'starting' today. Well, we were starting today.

Not long after on the phone, I overhead my father, "Yes, Marge, i bought her ENSURE drinks. I'll make sure she drinks them. She needs the nutrition!" Uy, uy, uy. This was going to be a battle.

"Dad," i stood firm, "I made mommy a green smoothie for breakfast and there is another in the fridge and she has the recipe. She's not eating anything else today. And no Ensure. Ensure feeds cancer with all of that milk and corn syrup in there. What happened? Last night you were so gung ho to start this today with Susan on the phone."

Sheepishly, he just answered, "Okay" and kind of lowered his eyes. Everybody wants to help, but if i'm not here, she won't last on this thing. I was honestly scared to go to work. I made her promise to me before I left she would drink the other green smoothie in the fridge and then make her own later. I asked, "Do you think you can do that, for just ONE day." She answered in the affirmative.

Arnold, my wonderful dear phenomenol boss, has agreed to give me time off so i can stay here until my mother is doing better on her own. Where can you find a boss like that?

Oh, here's a picture of me when i was heavier, with my mom. I had gotten much heavier after that. I think I went away to O.H.I. in November of 2006. These pics were at their 50th anniversary party. Their anniversary is coming up again, in 12 days. Let's hope it's going to be a GOOD and healing one and my mother is NOT in the hospital instead. Please pray that she decides against ALL surgery. What will they feed her there in the hospital, but lots of crap, lots of drugs and she'll be so discouraged and depressed. THIS is a MUCH better way. THIS IS ALL ABOUT LIFE restoring LIFE, naturally!

My mom drank the smoothie i made her for breakfast. It was pleasant to her. I made a very simple one of 1 frozen banana, 1 chopped up date softtened in 1/4 cup of water, 3 handfuls organic spinach and 1/2 big pear and 2 or 3 cups of water. Her blender is 40 years old, but heck, it works okay.

I went off to work at Arnold's Way.

When i got in, it was VERY busy, and that continued through the late afternoon. I didn't have much time to worry or even think about my mom. But, my eating was very bad there. Can anyone say 'raw bread and nama shoyu' three times fast?

I tried to go easy on myself. I was obviously choosing foods that were comforting (nut pate and raw bread and raw sushi with nama shoyu). I was choosing foods from the outer ring of the bulls-eye, but recognizing that, I didn't feel so guilt-ridden knowing what i was doing. I'm obviously very scared about my mom and eating emotionally in such times is not uncommon. I'll lighten up today.

As i was cleaning the kitchen at work, i thought to call my mom to see how she was doing, but was honestly afraid of what i would hear over the phone. Here i am agreeing to stay over and nurse her back to health and i feared hearing, "Hi honey, I ate a peice of chicken, is that okay? Is that raw?"

Driving out of the parking lot to mom's, i dialed the phone apprehensively. "Hi, Mom, Hi Dad." They had both answered. "Michelle," my dad asked, "I have to ask you something." This scared me.

"Mommy's been hungry all day. Can she have a banana?" Whew, deep sigh of relief... "Of course, she can, i told her that."

Mom then said, "i'm making a smoothie for myself now. What do you want for dinner?" Uy, dinner? I'd had enough for 3 days already.

i was fine, but my mommy was making her first smoothie. Herself. Yay!

Earlier in the morning after she sipped her breakfast, ("Don't gulp, sip." ) I asked her if it was okay, if she felt like she could do this and get used to it. "It's okay." she nodded. My mom is such a trooper.

When i arrived home from work late in the evening, mom looked GREAT. She'd been out and had done herself up so nicely. More fears were allayed just by seeing how well she looked. Sick people should DEFINITELY get dressed and done up, even if they don't go out. It is SO uplifting to just look in the mirror and see yourself looking WELL.

Mom had the nibblies a little later and had a few prunes (maybe not ideal, but okay) and later, she got herself a pear. You have no idea how encouraged i was to watch her eat that pear as we watched TV. It was kind of like i was watching myself. She kept saying, "Mmm, so juicy, so sweet." She was truly enjoying...a pear! It was very heartening.

My mom is blood type A, just like me. Although she is not my mother by birth, we share the same blood type. A's are supposed to be vegetarians according to the blood type diet. Since i've given up meat 3 years ago, i have NEVER missed it. Mom commented, too, "I could live without meat."

I think she could, too, but the cultural ties to jewish pastrami and corned beef and beef brisket are strong. She'd likely give in as she's done a few times these last months, only to suffer the dreadful consequences, pain.

Well, one day at a time. As of yesterday, she is now a raw vegan, one day strong!

With her bowel issues, she's not been able to digest meat, being that it would give her severe cramps and pains with her reduced bowel "channels" that are blocked by scar tissue and fibers. It's almost a blessing in disguise, this problem.
And she did not experience any negative digestive issues from the green smoothie, as i had feared she might. She didn't burp it up, it didn't come up on her, she didn't retaste the banana all day. I am so encouraged.

We did have a little bit of a fright, though. After the pear, i thought everything was wonderful. She said, "I have to go to the bathroom, number two." Wow, for a chronically constipated person to suddenly have to go to the bathroom at 9:30p.m. at night? I couldn't have been happier.

However, that joy was shortlived when she came out of the bathroom, moaning, complaining of tremendous stomach pains, with her arm bracing her stomach, reporting she did NOT make at all. She said she hadn't had pains like this since she tried to eat chicken or a corned beef sandwhich weeks and weeks ago. "It's as bad as ever! That pear killed me!"

Oh, god. Well, i'm glad i was there, if it was going to happen. She laid down next to me and i comforted her. We watched a funny new Jerry Seinfelt show, "The Marriage Ref." That took her mind off of it. She thinks it may have been the SKIN of the pear. When she eats apples lately, she always takes the skin off. Duly noted.

That whole pear episode is something we'll be facing together as the days go by. God help me just to keep strong and keep her on track, keep redirecting her back when she gets discouraged.

I feel fearful alot. I prayed to God in the car on the way home. I was also crying pretty severely. Eating like shit at work and feeling so physically awful and feeling so emotionally scared, it just all came pouring out. And i'm also scared she'll get too skinny doing the smoothies.

You know what? Let go, let God. One day at a time.

I fell asleep soon after the pear incident - when i dozed off, she had said she was feeling marginally better. She left for her room. Cliffy came in from chatting with my dad. My darling, Cliffy.

Well, I hope she slept. I hope she's ready to continue on this journey today.

I am encouraged when I overheard several phone calls she made last night, telling people she was trying a natural approach and "doing the green smoothies," and i didn't hear any flack from friends. People want to help, but there needs to be a rudder on this ship.

HELLO ME.

Me, of all people. Someone who suffers so much from lack of discipline.

God, give me STRENGTH!

I think i know what it's like to be a mother, now :-)) It's a lot of responsibility.

But i only want the best for her. I want her to be well. I don't personally think she is strong enough to handle two surgeries, one for her stomach and the other for her thyroid. She still comments that she thinks she wants the stomach surgery.

I explained, "Mom, what does it matter? If you're NOT going to get the thyroid surgery, which you said you didn't WANT to, and are going to try a healing diet for that, what do you NEED clear bowel channels FOR if you're just going to be drinking green smoothies ANYWAY?"

You see, God gives us body issues to HELP us. NOT to hurt us. Her blocked bowels are a blessing. She doesn't need chicken and corned beef. And her body won't allow it. Her body is allowing green smoothies as the liquid nutrition can pass through the severely blocked bowel. And the pear skin must have been too much for her. Blended in the smoothie, it's okay. Hm, but now that i think about it, i wonder if it was the prunes, afterall, that gave her pain. The pear didn't go immediately to her bowel, but she's stated she's eaten prunes many times lately with no ill effect.

Well, it's something to monitor.

Day two is due to begin soon. I get up pretty early now that I'M back on raw food. Thank God i am, for my sake, and for mother's. Where would i get the strength from to follow through on this, if i wasn't doing it myself?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


Quick story about a topic i've been discussing on the blog, um, you know, WEIGHT LOSS, hardy har har.

A customer I'll name Barbara came into the store yesterday. I've actually thought about her quite frequently. Barbara went on a regular raw gourmet diet some months ago...and after 2 weeks said to me, discouragingly, "I'm waiting to lose weight." She didn't lose a lb. Well, it's been MONTHS since i've seen her. "Barbara! You are looking well!" I exclaimed. She certainly was. Yet, she answered, "I'm doing great on raw, but the scale says i'm exactly the same weight! My body just holds on to it."

I couldn't help but think of Carlene of http://www.rawfoodbootcamp/ and her strictness about bananas, about salt, about fat. Barbara reported eating at least 10-15 bananas a day. "Bananas hold up weight loss in the obese," says Carlene. Then there's Tim who eats 10-banana banana whips a day and loses 100 lbs. Dustin doesn't eat many bananas at all.

So, what is it? Why all this CONFLICT about how to lose weight on raw? Is it too many bananas? Is it too much fat in Barbara's case. Or is it the wrong mind-set??? And what is it with me? Too much fat? Too many bananas? Or the wrong mind-set? Bad eating habits?

Yesterday, i must have eaten 10 peices of raw bread. Yes, it was delicious. And nama shoyu on my raw sushi. Yes, i am blown up like a balloon today. Yes, I gained weight. (But i'm not weighing myself). No, I did NOT eat everytime i was hungry. In fact, i ate everytime i THOUGHT about eating. Not really a productive approach!! Tim says a person "cannot" gain weight on raw. And a person "must" lose weight on raw.

Though my bulls-eye idea is a really GREAT one, all in all, it's something i concocted for WEIGHT LOSS, after being inspired by Susan. I still think it's a great idea. But, everytime i think about weight loss, i binge. Psychologically, i truly AM better off not doing ANYTHING to attempt to lose weight...., i guess, if i want to overcome binge eating. It's like i can't tackle two things at once. If i want to tackle overcoming binge eating, i have to allow myself ALL raw foods, fattening and non-fattening, and pay CLOSE attention to hunger/fullness.

I did NOT do that yesterday. I ate one slice of raw bread and said to myself, "You're bad. This is fattening." And then i couldn't stop. It would have been MUCH more beneficial to me to continue on as i had been, seeing raw bread as calorie free and paying CLOSE attention to when i'd had enough, instead.

I think i'm just going to have to return to that mindset, as much as i'd like to LOSE WEIGHT FAST sticking to the bulls-eye healing target theory. It's good in theory, but i'd probably need my OWN live-in raw coach.

~ ~ ~ ~

Many blessings to you on your journey. As always, stay in touch and let me know how you're doing on your raw journey. I welcome the good, the bad and the ugly. I like to hear it all!

xoxo michelle joy

My Mother May Have Cancer

Morning Folks,

This is when the rubber meets the road.

I'm at my moms for the past two nights. Yesterday, after waiting for test results for nearly 4 weeks, she was told her thyroid, which had been found to have growths on it, MAY be cancerous in 3 nodes.

The doctors suggested Thyroidectomy.

My mother also has spots on her lungs, which have been there for years, but now with the possible thyroid cancer, these spots are being checked again.

She also has always had severe digestive issues, chronic constipation, fissures and hemmorhoids. But, the latest news with her digestive/eliminative system is that she has a polyp, and scar tissue from a previous surgery blocking her bowel. The way the doctor explained it is 'let's say there is a 5 lane highway with cars going down. the cars are like the food and the highway is your bowel. You, Ruth, have 3 of the lanes blocked off.' Food comes up on her, she has pain under her breastbone. The doctor suggested having major surgery to 'reshape' her bowel, and also remove the polyp.

As you can imagine, being someone in the raw food world, i am not for surgery, but want my mother to try a natural approach to cure her overall body breakdown. Over the last weeks, she has recognized a direct correlation between what she eats and how she feels. She has almost completely eliminated meat from her diet and has been subsisting on more digestible toast and crackers and icecream. Not ideal by any means, but her pain has been reduced.

As you can also imagine, my parents are scared to death. They believe what the doctors tell them. They were raised in a generation where the doctor, the policeman, the teacher...were all gods.

Last night, i called my dear friend, Susan Aman. She is a Registered Nurse, living foodist, a living foods educator and healer (and also my catering partner). Susan has an amazing story herself. She has overcome with a living foods diet: a ring of scar tissue on her ankle, a tumor on her back, debilitating back pains, fibromyalsia, migraines, allergies, depression. And, in her time working as a raw food healer, she has MANY stories of healing that she has supervised. One example is of her sister, whose colon was 'dead,' the doctors said. Her bowel would have to be removed and there was 'nothing that could be done.' By juice fasting her sister and putting her on green smoothies, the bowel is now as good as new.

So, last night, I put the phone on speaker phone, and Mom, Dad, Cliff, my brother, Ricky and me sat around the phone listening to Susan's suggestions and allowing her to teach us. (Me included, because she ended up really ministering to me on a personal level as well).

Of course, Susan suggested my mother (and father, who has a mild case of Leukemia, High Blood Pressure, Diabetes and is obese) embark on a living foods diet, specifically, a green smoothie based diet. It is her belief that the scar tissue in my mothers bowel will dissolve on it's own, the thyroid issue will clear up on it's own, the overall digestive issues, hemmorhoids and fissures will dissappear (overall inflammation will dissappear), and the lungs will clear.

My parents listened intently to the what Susan was saying. A profound calm came over them as she talked. Her teaching was so powerful. Every analogy made sense. "If you put coca cola in your car engine, would you expect your car to have problems?" EVERYthing she said made sense. My father was profoundly influenced and uplifted by the conversation in particular.

As luck would have it, well, probably more like, as GOD would have it, i brought along a giant box of organic spinach, bananas and dates to my overnight stay at "Chez Schulman" for myself. But, mommy & daddy have agreed to start the smoothies today. So, it was really divine providence that i had these items here.

People, please pray for them, pray for us.

For people not accustomed to taking responsibility for their own health, and for people who are going to be facing detox, they are going to need a lot of strength, alot of faith. Hey, myself included.

It's really my belief we should all go away somewhere, Optimum Health Institute (O.H.I.), perhaps, to get indoctrinated. No one can follow through on something unless they really believe in it. We ALL need to be brainwashed all of the time. I feel brainwashed just from Susan's teaching last night. Suddenly, eating for comfort doesn't sound all that spectacular.

One day at a time, though, for mom and dad, and for me.

I'll be informing you of the status of things.

For today, i will show my mom how to make green smoothie. She's watched me and tasted them, but now it's serious time. I haven't had one in days, so i'll be re-embarking on a new journey, shall we say. My eyes have been opened.

Monday, my parents have an appointment with the surgeon and I will accompany them. My mother has been in distress with the bowel issue for 4 months. If we can get my parents to delay surgery of the bowel, this green smoothie program will have a chance to take effect and the surgery will never be needed. The possible thyroid cancer needs to be confirmed, and it is my understanding at this appointment on Monday, we will have a clearer picture of what kind of possible cancer and how serious it is.

Nevertheless, I am 100% opposed to more surgery for Mom. In her case, the last surgery she had, she almost died. She had a cantaloupe sized tumor taken out of her stomach. I honestly don't think she's strong enough to overcome another surgery...with anesthesia and a long recovery. As Susan said, "Why put your body through that? It's only more for it to have to overcome."

Susan's healing vision of green smoothies really impacted me. When my father asked, "Well, what else can Ruthie eat?" Susan answered his question with a question, "Well, how fast does she want to heal?"

Indeed, with raw food, we DO have the power to control the rate of healing.

Just quickly to relate how this impacts me as a person suffering from obesity, reflux laryngitis, and a binge eating disorder, I've been, as you know, trying to figure out the best way for me to eat. Lately, i've been attempting to eat when i'm hungry, re-committing to a raw food diet, and just plain eating what i want. It's been 6 or 7 days raw, i lost count, and I think, in terms of the eating disorder, i am making great strides with this approach.

In terms of weight loss and my reflux, however, fattier foods don't seem to really WORK that well for me. My reflux is not good, even though i take the Betaine HcL. I am hoarse lately. I feel much clearer in the throat on a very low or no fat diet. Plain and simple, my body is my body, and not Dustin's or Tim's. Fat tastes the best to me, but my body doesn't love it.

And i decided to weigh myself this morning, 282. I was 249 this summer eating barely any fat on 80-10-10. My body does love low fat eating. It's my tounge that needs to be ripped out of me.

Okay, so, to come full circle with this, what Susan asked, "How fast do you want to heal?" really struck home with me. I have this vision of a bulls-eye. In the middle of the bulls-eye are green smoothies and fruits and greens and juices and raw veggies, cucumbers, etc.... Like how i ate at the retreat. Around the center of the bulls-eye are fattier raw foods, plain raw almonds and a small peice of avo. In the outer circle of the bulls-eye are the super gourmet raw foods, pies and heavy pate's and raw breads.

For maximum healing, one should stick to the center of the bulls-eye. Like for mom. Who may have cancer.

Well, for maximum weight loss, it occurs to me that sticking to the center and the middle targets would probably work best for me as well.

Has not my entire blog been about HOW to best eat for me? No one can just stick to the target all of the time, as i have demonstrated with my radical approaches. People eat for pleasure, too. Some more than others.

So, I think having this bulls-eye approach seems like a great way to THINK about raw food and a sensible way to live. Try to stick to the bulls-eye, the lower fat foods MOST of the time (as they agree with my reflux and assist MY BODY to release weight easier). But when one is desiring comfort food or to eat heavier, dip in the middle circle first, and when necessary, dip in the outer circle.

This actually was the exact approach i used to lose 140 lbs at O.H.I. I didn't eat olive oil on my salad at the retreat. Only when i went out. I lived within the bulls-eye most of the time. Some of the time i had fattier foods at the retreat like pumpkin seed crackers and sunflower seed pate, but those foods were strictly LIMITED. UNLIMITED was tomatoes and cukes and celery. We could have those all we wanted. And then i went out - to eat gourmet raw meals.

I'm always reminded of Tim's voice in my head, "Exercise, exercise." I exercised at the retreat DAILY for at least 2 hours most days. Exercise is crucial for me. I've let myself get a little lackadaisical the last few Carlene-free days. Exercise helps the reflux, too. But there is no denying that my body does better on low fat.

[Dustin doesn't exercise regularly so he says, but i'd be curious to hear more about his statement, "I enjoy riding my bicycle." Maybe he is getting more exercise than he thinks he is. Or doing his amazing artwork and tattooing burns calories.]

Nevertheless, I've come to a different place in my thinking today, thanks to Susan. She's helped me to see the healing side of raw foods again. For an opera singer, having a hoarse throat is NOT ideal, even if cashew pate makes me "feel" good and "feel" not deprived. I think, intellectually, it's best to tend towards the lower fat foods for me and my body.

NOW. As for my mommy, she will be up soon and we will make her first green smoothie. My dad even said, "Hey, maybe i can do this diet and lose weight and get rid of my leukemia and high blood pressure and diabetes!" Amen, Daddy.

Same for me. Maybe I can do this green smoothie diet and lose more weight and look as good as i did in the summer. But learn how to go to the outer circle of the bulls-eye like i used to, moderately.

Susan suggested for my mother's case: 3 8-oz green smoothies a day as the base of her diet. The rest of the time, raw fruit, raw veggies, raw salads. Low fat. We spoke about what 'doesn't come up on her,' and fruit has been digestible for her. It is high fiber and can pass through the reduced channels of the bowel. On the other hand, something like meat, made my mother violently ill with her bowel issue.

This whole bowel issue is really a blessing in disguise.

I'm supposed to work today, but maybe Arnold will let me stay with my parents under the circumstances instead. He is so good like that. There has never BEEN or never WILL be a better boss. Parents take precidence over work in his mind and healing is always number one with Arnold.

Pray for us.

It takes a village.

And i don't want my mommy, or daddy, to die. Just look at them up there in that picture, full of life and love. My mom won for best costume at the party. Love you, mommy.

xoxo michelle joy

Wow....Something GOOD is working!

Hello! I wrote this yesterday!

Today is a good day! I think it's my 6th day raw! :-))

I'm purposely not writing out my food, as i kind of like not thinking about food so much anymore.

I spent so much time and effort doing fitday.com with Carlene and emailing her every bite i ate daily...to no good avail, actually, for an entire month. I left her program feeling resentful of her control, resentful of her constant mixed messages about every food imaginable ("never eat walnuts!" "why don't you have some walnuts?") and resentful of her obsessive strictness regarding fat and salt.

Tim and Dustin don't work that hard. And THEY got thin. There has GOT to be an easier way than her love-less, soul-less calorie counting and need for control.

So, i'm freeing myself from all controls! And you know what? It's not as scary as I thought! I'm adjusting! I'm falling into listening to myself more.

Today for lunch i ate enough to fill me and had ZERO compulsion to go further. And guess what i ate? Raw bread and cashew pate. And all day i've been happily busy, never even THINKING about food.

Oh, yes, THIS way is MUCH better. Maybe it wasn't ever so much about WHAT i was eating, but with what ATTITUDE i was eating it. Carlene's way saw me binge eating to break free of all of the restrictions when our time was over. This way, i'll never need to binge again! It wasn't the fat and salt making me binge. It was the RESTRICTION.

Surely, you've heard, "Let go, and let God." Well, so have I. But, I NEVER thought it would work for me, until now. I'm too SICK and TIRED of the other way, of TRYING so hard. It's this way or the highway!

I am so interested to see in a few months how this is all going!!! I am really REALLY manifesting for the BEST!!! I'm just eating what i want as long as it's raw....whenever i want...how much ever i want.

And after the INTENSE FEAR wore off I'd get even fatter doing this, i'm kind of....finding my own rhythm! I'm actually, wait, believe it or not... I'm... heck, yeah! I'm doing GREAT!

Amazing. HOW LIBERATING.

Fatty food is FREEING me. Thank you, God.

So, i mentioned i've been sending out positive vibes to my food, have been praying over it, asking God to bless me with weight loss. Isn't that fantastic? It just makes so much sense to me now. And i stopped weighing myself. I'm giving up control. I'm visualizing myself thin, but i'm eating what i want. I'm gonna let GOD figure this out for me. Isn't that so "THE SECRET" of me? And you know what? I KNOW it's going to work! How ball-sy of me!!!

It's already working. My face looks thinner. I lost that cooked food bloat look. God, i hate that look in my face from cooked food. I am so much prettier on raw.

And more is at work! This isn't related to food per se, but, it's a good thing, and this morning in my email, i received a response from a Craigslist ad i had given up any hope on, of trying to sell all of my old too-huge-for-me 5x designer duds from when i weighed 425lbs. The ad was on Craigslist for WEEKS with no response, and then yesterday, out of nowhere, i get a request to send all of the clothes to a woman's diabetic disabled housebound 5x size sister in Jersey City, New Jersey! Sight unseen, she is to send me a check for 250$, plus shipping! I really feel this good turn is a manifestation of my new attitude and way of thinking. I'm gonna let GOD do the 'hard work' for me. I'm just gonna BELIEVE it all into being!!!

I feel so happy. I'm smiling as i write this. (mmmmm!)

Not only am i laying a foundation for a new way of thinking, eating, being, but someone out there who is very much in need is going to be benefitting from my weight loss in a very direct way, and thanks to my good taste in clothes, she is gonna be one hot lookin' 5x babe! Plus, this good turn of fortune is going to help me to pay my bills this month :-))))

Oh, calling all plus size babes! I still have some beautiful size 30/32 clothes, 3x and 4x that i'm releasing. They are $5-10 each. If you'd like them, let me know! They are lovely. I have good taste. :-)))

Two other sudden sources of income popped up yesterday as well!!

I've been invited to sing for Easter at a church I often sing at, which will be a paid gig. And I've been invited to entertain at a birthday party for an 80 year old Mexican woman. I've been asked to sing 3 songs with spanish themes, so i will sing, "Sibonay," "Grandada," and "Fille de Cadix." (The last song is in french, but is on a spanish theme. I think Cadix is a place in Spain). Si, Senor, I will be paid muchos dineros for the party singing, too. Ay, caramba!

But, get this. The host of the party has also asked me to do a little catering for the party and create a raw mexican dip with crudite and raw bread, and a dessert! I'll do the bliss balls i make, make them extra sweet and chocolately for cooked food palate, with a little Aztec twist to them: i'll add chili powder, cinnamon and cayenne. Heck, I'll be paid for this as well. Mas bien fortune', por favor! Can life get any better today?

It really IS true. When we put positive vibes out to the universe, the universe delivers!!!! Thank you, God!!!

My food has been fascinating to observe. Yesterday, I overdid it with raw bread, but honored my need for it, I let the guilt go, i ate what i wanted, which was 5 or 6 peices, but, instead of seeing it as something horrible, I tried to look at the raw bread like it was calorie-free or the caloric equivalent to, say, oranges. To let go of the judgement of it, in other words, or let go of the fear of it.

Rather than producing a binge later like eating raw bread usually does, I ended up not really being hungry the rest of the day and was so at peace with food, I went with that and honored that, too!

Not wanting to stop with the bread seemed to me like a little kid who feared her food would be taken away, so she kept going. But, i'm sensing already that the more I allow myself whatever i want, the less i need it!!! I ate raw bread today with that same "calorie-free" guilt-free outlook and stopped after 2.5 peices because i'd had enough. AMAZING.

And the other day at Arnold's Way, i started in on the bread, realized i had just been hungry, realized i was no longer hungry....and STOPPED!

Something is seriously WORKING inside of me.

Later at night, i had the munchies, but wasn't necessarily hungry, but i honored that, too with a big plate of cut-up lovely fruit. God, that was good. I didn't WANT raw bread then. THAT was new. Usually if it's there, i'll scarf it up all in one sitting or in one day. There's still some left in the cubbard. Go figure.

God, this is eerily freeing.

This morning when i got hungry, i had a maca choco shake instead of a green smoothie, because i wanted it. I KNEW a green smoothie would be healthier, but well, there's been a lotta honoring around here. Why not? Don't thin people generally eat what they WANT instead of what they KNOW is good for them? I've eaten what i knew to be good for me for so long, only to break free by binge eating, it's about time that i just let myself BE. And enjoy.

Hey, that's cool - en-joy.

I'm sure when my body needs greens, it'll shout, 'hey, it's time for a green smoothie!' I still take my E3 Live so i'm getting lots of green gunk in me, still, anyway, even without the smoothie.

Ahh, lots of joy in my heart today. (deep sigh of contentment.)

And guess what? This has been a seriously productive day. Peeled the bananas and froze them. Did the dishes. Cleaned the fridge. Took out the trash. Practiced my singing. Packed bags to sleep at my moms. Usually if you want to find me, my butt is parked in front of the TV. Not today!

I'm doing good. Even i never lose another pound, i don't even really care today. I feel good and happy and joyous. Ain't that what it's all about???? To be experiencing the GIFT of the lifting of the obsession of food...without having had applied effort to do it? I KNOW i'll lose, but it won't be because of effort. To have been given the gift of helping a disabled woman look beautiful in some lovely clothes? To have checks coming in the mail for clothes and for singing? Now, THAT's pure raw joy!

And you know what i say?????

I say, "BRING IT ON, BABY"!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

Tim Arnold 100+ lbs lighter talks about extending the lifespan with the raw vegan diet!

Say HELLO again to the skinny, svelte, fit and toned, handsome almost 60 year old Energy Force, Tim Arnold! Tim is a tremendous inspiration to so many. He's graciously offered to share more with us at 'pure raw joy' about what drives his total committment to raw veganism. Everyone please thank Tim, and enjoy this 2nd interview!

Tim, I touched on it last week, but tell me more about your business, family and educational background. Last week I mentioned that you work from home. I am a retired trust attorney having had a business with forty employees in the 90's. So, I am not a house husband or a home based business networker - no nonsense like this, albeit people don’t think these are so bad – they still have negative connotations. We say it does not matter, but people still cringe or react when hearing it. My family is the Bauer-Rothschilds. I have a Ph.D. in English common Law from a California university. My international banking business grew out of my expertise in trust law and I have consulted pro bono in that field since I retired five years ago (I am nearly sixty years old - July). At the same time, my banking business is pulling me into outside admin work again looking at opening offices shortly in a 20K square foot office space. Hence, the retirement is short-lived, being drawn back into the fray. That is okay because being 100% raw vegan (ORv) allows me the energy to do it!!

So, you're a very smart guy with a very impressive background!

ORv? I take it that stands for 100% Organic Raw Vegan.

I know you are a very prolific writer and very involved spiritually. Tell me more. I’ve written 60 books so far, with one published, my spiritual intro book for AKATHA.

Where can people find out about AKATHA? The website is www.akatha.com. Keep in mind, we do not sell anything and do not take donations or contributions - everything is free. We do have a free introduction to AKATHA that meets at Arnold’s Way in Lansdale every 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month at 6:30 p.m. We also have get-togethers in East Falls in Philadelphia, PA.

How do people react to you, being a raw vegan? I have social and professional credibility - I’m not some declared idiot touting wacky raw veganism, but sadly, yes, many people have this condescending attitude about it. However, I never directly hear much negativity about my diet, insofar as it is left in the thinking realms instead. I have many very professionally credible friends, top business associates including company CEO's, doctors, lawyers, international financiers, etc., many, in whom, I have influenced in becoming raw vegan.

That’s fantastic! You certainly do believe very strongly in raw veganism and never turn from discussing it, one of the things i love so much about you. It’s wonderful to have influenced so many!

I know the idea of immortality is something I have heard you talk about frequently. Can you expound on that for us? My firm belief exists that raw veganism makes one virtually immortal (let’s call it ‘virimmortal’) and a very important topic to discuss. The "virtual" part qualifies the word “immortal” in being "almost" and that no one can live forever physically in my opinion.

The book Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East by Baird Spaulding in the earlier part of the twentieth century made claims of eternal life in the physical body. I strongly disagree. My opinion is that at some point either nature or the Supreme Deity, depending whether one is atheist or theist respectively, destroys the physical world.

I consider this factor a physical matter, like the raw food diet, and not a spiritual one. Thus, no physical bodies exist then and throws-out the idea of living forever physically.

So, if we can't live forever physically, talk more about this idea of virtual immortality or ‘virimmortalism’ for us. ‘Virimmortalism’ is a long time (not forever, mind you) and, of course, not necessarily the three score and ten we are subjected to here in the west. That means we can live perhaps hundreds of years, not unlike Methuselah of Old Testament lore.

Wow! Hundreds of years! Talk about the role of diet in living longer. To me, diet has nothing to do with religion, politics, philosophy, etc. It is a diet that has extenuating circumstances, of course, in other affairs of our life. Whereby, we need again keeping a perspective here taking first things first. Let us talk about diet and stay on the subject.

What can the diet do for us is an obvious, regarding a healthy longer life in what we have been taught here in the western world.

What is the motivation for living longer? What is the motivation for living longer if the subject is diet only? My opinion remains if we leave the other subjects out of the picture initially, the long life will help in gaining knowledge that we need of other subjects when trying to get our physical lives in order. If we die at 70, what is the point? That means I only have about ten years left. I can’t get anything done.

So, if we live longer, we can certainly get alot accomplished! I always wanted to be a great pianist or perhaps play the violin. But we know that these things take years to become competent. Many say I have a professional quality singing voice, but to refine these skills, again, takes time. That old saying is “Jack of all trades and master of none” to me should be as a raw vegan “jack of all trades and master of all” when one has time.

Okay, so having more time as raw vegans sounds great! In that funny movie “Multiplicity,” they cited the same idea of getting more time, but through cloning.

I’m not sure many raw vegans give much time to thinking about cloning. That is another sensitive subject, but I agree is important in getting us some help for menial tasks.

Hmm. Since we as humans are the slaves now, why not create clones to help instead? Sorry for digressing, but sometimes it is important for stimulating ideas regarding reasons for maintaining the ORv lifestyle. If we have help, we can spend the time in creative arts to perfect them or in any endeavor.

Okay, I don't know anything about the ramifications of cloning or how ethical it is, but it would certainly allow us to get more done, if our clones were doing the dishes and vacuming, while we were pursuing the arts until we're 200!! To me, it [being a raw vegan] becomes an issue not to live in the death system we have today, but in a life system instead.

So cooked food is a death system because it doesn't allow us to elongate our lives? And raw veganism, or ORv as you call it, is a life system because it allows us to possibly live much, much longer? I think the latter [raw vegan life system] makes sense and I am sure once one reflects upon a life system, instead of a death system, the former is obviously more acceptable. Eating the cooked food, no matter how much, is part of the death system. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

How has obesity impacted our life expectancy? Our western society is not set-up for people living two or three hundred years or more, aforesaid, about 70, if that, since 65% of Americans are obese now.

People are obviously getting alot fatter. In the 1950’s, if one was twenty pounds overweight, they were considered obese. The movie “Fatso” in 1981 with Dom Delouise showed a man who would be considered chubby or stocky now, but surely not like the extremely obese people walking about now. When I was 280 (my picture last week), I was no 4X4, but still obese.

How did you get fat? For me it just crept-up on me, but that is the nature of the cooked food battle.

What do you mean by the cooked food battle? I do not battle any longer in the ORv life system, whilst the SAD cooked food death system to me is horrible and irresponsible! I was the latter for 57 years and truly apologize for my idiocy.

So, in your opinion, people should not eat any cooked food? People should own up to this [SAD cooked food death system], and admit it, too, and then be intelligent enough to turn to ORv. Most say they need to change gradually, or transition to it, but especially, if one is over 50, they take great risks in being mamby pamby.

So, cooked food and raw food are very black and white for you? Simply, it is a matter of life and death. You make the choice.

Talk more about 'virimmortalism', since that seems to be paramount to you in your committment to stay a raw vegan. As I intimated last week, if one does not have a strong life force, insofar as our society puts such a limitation on it nearly splitting it in half (according to Rig Veda text of the far east) (I spent time in India learning to read higher Sanskrit), the ORv lifestyle means nothing. One might as well eat at McDonald’s everyday if it does not matter. Why do people bother with attempting ORv unless a reason exists? I think the ‘virimmortal' factor is the real reason. We know it, and simply changing the diet is really easy when considering the great result of ‘virimmortalism’.

What is that great result? Now we have time with ORv.

Having more time certainly appeals to me! As a 42 year old woman, one of the reasons raw appealed to me was that it would elongate my period of fertility. I was told it was possible to bear children well into the 50's and even possibly the 60's if I stayed raw. So, if i still want to have a child by birth, I might now still have a chance as a raw foodist.

However, for the last 6 months, i was eating cooked food, alot of it REALLY toxic fried processed stuff, so i don’t know what impact that will have on me entering into menopause sooner, but I certainly hope returning to raw, as i have, will delay menopause!

And, as an opera singer in a youth obsessed culture and artform, singing well late into my 50's and even 60's or longer, would mean that there would STILL be a chance for a viable professional career for me. It would be gratifying to participate in breaking AGE-ISM barriers in the opera world, as a raw vegan!

Speaking of time...unfortunately, we've run out for this interview!

So, thank you, dear Tim, for your thought-provoking ideas! You certainly are an original thinker! I cannot thank you enough for your influence. Though I may not agree or understand your perspective always, you have nevertheless been a terrific influence on me. Your labelling cooked food as “poison” and a “death system” doesn't intellectually always make sense to me. (For example, lightly steamed veggies still retain enzymes and nutrition), but emotionally and spiritually, this concept is a tremendously powerful tool that is helping me enormously to overcome my sometimes tremendous cravings for cooked food. To draw that line in the sand is necessary for some of us.

I'd like to explore more with you that cooked food 'death system' concept. I want to talk more about enzymes next week as it is a paramount study regarding ORv!

OKAY! I know we are all looking forward to it!!! Blessings to you, dear Tim, and to your beautiful wife, Leslie!

xoxo michelle joy

5th Day Raw - Raw Feelings

Howdy,

I wish I could say I felt happier this today...especially this being my 5th day raw, but I think i'm going through a little emotional cleansing. A necessary, but not a happy pleasant thing.

It reminds me of something Dustin talked about, crying alot after he started raw and after he released cooked food.

Last night i was feeling seriously depressed and cried almost the whole evening. Today i'm feeling out of sorts. And i got my period. So, there you go.

Yesterday, I went to the opera with my mother's cousin, Pauline (we have a subscription together), and as I watched the soprano up on the stage, i fully realized and I KNEW in my heart of hearts that "I could do that."

Before the opera started, Pauline and I talked about a PBS special we had both seen, a documentary of auditions at the Metropolitan Opera. 3 of the winners were plus sized women. And we were certain they had ALL lied about their age, having to meet the requirement of being under 31. I acknowledged that I could do it, audition professionally, and should do it, and i replied, "Yes, i know. I'll do it."

Later, i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror of the Academy of Music, and my heart sank. Wrinkles. How am i going to say i'm 28, when i'm 42??? Suddenly, "I'll do it" felt like an impossibility.

Why does every push to change in me feel like it gets beaten down internally before i even try to do it?

When i got home from the opera, i was feeling seriously down, but I wasn't really aware of what was bothering me. You know, hindsight is 20-20. I knew I wanted comfort. That means food. Was i hungry? I really don't think so, but I ate a big raw meal, and a big raw shake, which really filled me, but didn't satisfy me. I suppose it wasn't food i needed. A little late to recognize that. You 'd think i'd be more advanced skillwise than this with my eating, but i am not. It's a long frustrating journey with food and emotional eating and feeding myself and comforting myself and what kind of raw food i need. It's exhausting to be me...

Feeling too full and like I had done a really bad thing, i had seriously enormous binge impulses. I wanted bread and butter and i wanted to fill this hole in me. I wanted to FEEL better. What was wierd was i was already overly full. How would being any fuller make me feel BETTER? I realized and even SAID to myself, "there's not enough food in the world to fill this hole, this ache." I skulked away from the kitchen no bread and butter in hand, plopped on the sofa and started to cry. Cliff tried to comfort me, but i couldn't even verbalise what was bothering me. I just kept repeating, "I'm so depressed. I'm so depressed."

Cliffy held me and hugged me on the sofa and we popped in a movie, "Antwone Fisher," starring Denzel Washington. Talk about an emotional movie. Not exactly uplifting, but amazingly moving to me. Have you seen it? It's a slow character and relationship study, very moving, about a young man in the navy who has anger issues and is sent to the base psychiatrist. Abuse and abandonment on so many levels is uncovered in this young man's life. And through his healing relationship with the psychiatrist played by Denzel Washington, he is able to move through his anger and overcome his need to constantly fight. He is reunited with his birth family at the end of the movie and he falls in love, now able to accept love and give love.

It was so good. Being adopted (abandonment issue) and having lived through familial abuse myself (emotional and sexual), this movie touched me to the core, and I literally couldn't stop crying. I kept feeling such a deep sadness for this character, for myself, for my lack of children, and how i wanted a child. I've been wanting to adopt a foster child, a child no one else wanted, and this movie really stirred all of that up.

Somehow this is all related to the opera. My fear of pursuing music is akin to my fear of having a child.

I just have never felt 'good enough.' I never wanted to fuck up a child. And I never felt i was strong enough to go through the audition process to actually become a professional singer.

Dustin's interview brought up powerful realizations. That i'm not shit. That i'm worthy. Remember that visual i had heard of that his interview reminded me of? Of that giant diamond in each of us, that we've allowed to cake over with shit...that we then paint with nailpolish, thinking no one can see the shit beneath it?

I've always focused on the shit part of myself. Not good enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough, or musical enough or strong enough. And then i think of those kids on American Idol. Some of them aren't even that GOOD, but their self image is so strong, they SEE and KNOW and BELIEVE they are the diamond.

Some people like the Simon Cowell's of the world see through somebody's "nailpolish" surface like a radar detector. They can see the shit OR the diamond, depending on which you project.

Some good souls look at people and only SEE the diamond. They can see right through to the good in you and overlook everything else. Some people look at you and all they see is the shit caked. They're the abusers, the ones who called you names and made me feel like you were never good enough.

So, how do i view myself? It's the most important point of view of all.

Robert Driver, the head of the Opera Company of Philadelphia, walked past me yesterday at the opera. My mouth dropped open and i whispered to Pauline, "It's Robert Driver!" I stared over at him, not a foot away from me and I imagined myself going up to him, "Sir, my name is Michelle Schulman. Michelle Schulman! Remember that name! I'd like to come and audition for you! You have quite literally never heard a voice like mine. Michelle Schulman, remember that name."

And then i thought of how easy it would be for him to discover on the internet that i am actually 42 and i felt defeated almost immediately.

Not good enough. Not young enough. Not thin enough. It's like a mantra in how NOT to succeed. Now, i'm being real honest right now. I'm not trying to be an inspiration, i'm just telling you how it IS for me. I KNOW, i recognize i have ALOT of work to do on my self esteem and my...what i feel are my limitations.

So, as i looked in the fridge to fill that hole, i actually FELT myself fighting that idea of being the 'diamond.' "Yeah, right, that is SUCH bullshit. Who am I to think i am that diamond!"

All of the crying that came afterwards when i didn't shove down the feelings with anymore food was cathartic. It was self love. I was telling myself i was better than all of that food.

After Cliff went upstairs, I held this stuffed animal we call 'Wendy,' right there on the living room sofa, and i comforted her, and my tears made her wet and cold. I comforted her like she was MY child, and like she was the child in ME. "I love you so much and i'll never let anything happen to you. You're perfect just the way you are."

Antwone Fisher was a diamond, who believed he was crap, an then that fine doctor made him realize his own strength. At the end of the movie, he confronted his abusers and his abandoners, "I just want you to know you didn't kill me. I'm strong. I'm a good person. I made it out alive even though you tried to get me. But, you didn't get me. I'm good and i'm strong."

I'm so sensitive and insecure, if someone tells me i'm shit, i'll believe them.

[i'm practicing] "I'm good. I'm strong. I am the diamond. I'm not the shit, OR the nailpolish on top."

I really am the diamond, but i just don't always realize it. Cliff knows it.

And sometimes there's just not enough comfort in the world for me. There is never enough bread and butter. There is never enough of Cliff hugging me or telling me he loves me and will never leave me. My needs for comfort are ENORMOUS.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So, since there is never enough cooked food to make me feel better....my new venture has just been to eat raw, eat what i want, walk daily, forget about losing weight, satisfy myself, give up dieting, give up binge eating....and just live and re-embrace, re-fall in love with raw food. Love myself. Accept myself. Just BE. I always gain the weight back after I diet, anyway, so why even bother?

Loving a fatter me is NOT easy. But, i don't think self hatred is the way to heal. I have to love me fat if i'm going to love myself thin. My boss, Arnold, always says, "Love is the answer."

I worked with Carlene for a month, lost like 20 lbs and then gained it back with fried onion rings. She was so controlling. Not loving at all. There was no joy in it.

So, why deprive myself any longer? If i need comfort, i'll give myself comfort FOOD and it'll be RAW comfort food. I swear, I can't fight anymore. I feel like a burnt out race horse.

I surrender.

Plus, practically speaking, I couldn't shit on cooked, i snored again, and looked bloated every morning and still dreamed of onion rings and fried eggrolls.

I was kidding myself, but I turned to cooked food in desperation trying to lose weight even quicker than with raw. I supposed that cooked veggies were calorie free, much LESS than fruit, and i'd lose like crazy. When i didn't, i mean i did lose, but not like crazy, and when that taste for cooked junk food was still being lit daily by cooking food, and I ended gaining weight with cooked instead of losing even quicker, I realized eating cooked was not really bringing me any closer to my goals. No, pizza and eggrolls is not making me any healthier.

So, I re-draw that line in the sand. To say that Dustin and Tim Arnold didn't help, i'd be lying. How powerful is it to hear them BOTH say, "cooked food is POISON!" To me, it's like a DRUG. There is just NOT enough fried food, not enough bread and butter in the world to fill that hole inside of me.

I chuckle when i think of what Dustin said to explain his intense cravings for cooked food sometimes, "Sometimes i want to take a pizza and stuff it with everything and just roll it up and deep fry it." I'm so THERE with you, brother!

I am so wild about anything fried. Did you happen to catch Richard Simmons on TV last week talking about fried food? "A sliver becomes a slab becomes a slob." How profound is THAT. Simmons is from Louisianna. Home of the fried catfish and fried shrimp and fried hushpuppies. Fry it, and i'm sure i'd like it.

But, what's amazing is, Dustin doesn't do it. He may verbalize it. But he doesn't do it. And he eats avocados and Tim eats dressing on his salad and 10 banana-banana whips at night. And they got skinny. Seriously skinny!!!!

They are both MEN...and i do have my intellectual doubts about women eating like that on raw and losing. If there are any, please write in!

Yet, I'm willing to suspend disbelief for now because what i've been doing obviously isn't working..... I have to keep reminding myself...i lost 140 lbs eating raw gourmet sometimes 4-5x a week. The rest of the time i ate lightly. I can learn a LOT from that.

Dustin's highlghting how we have to work out the emotions and how we have to let them flow through us and let go of them, let go of the false limiting beliefs, and how we have to be creative and let that flow through us has had a very big impact on me.

Also, both men's ability to draw thinness into their lives still astounds me. Dustin told himself, "I weigh 200 lbs." and a year later, he did. Tim Arnold, literally, every time i saw him at Arnold's Way, he stated, "I want to be SVELTE." (His favorite word for thin). "I want to be svelte. I want to be svelte. Guess what? I want to be svelte."

Successful people have mantras for success!!!!! (Clue to self!)

I WANT TO BE THIN. I WANT TO EAT WHAT I WANT, RAW. I WANT TO BE A PROFESSIONAL OPERA SINGER. I WANT TO LIVE IN A NICE HOME. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND BE FREE OF AN EATING DISORDER.

And Tim and Dustin just eating what they want as long as it's raw has also impacted me hugely. I'm TRYING with all my might to really believe that could be true for me. I'm praying alot more. I'm eating raw fattening food and i'm asking it to make me healthy and thin. And i'm trying to turn this all over to God, for him to work in me and make me thin. I think if i let him, he could do it. I think he could lead me and guide me better than i've been guiding myself. I mean, if you read this blog frequently, you KNOW how nuts it is to TRY to guide yourself using EFFORT. It just don't work. I try it every day. I drive myself nuts doing it.

There has GOT to be something much more powerful at work here. Tim meditates EVERY morning. Dustin has this amazing positive attitude. As does his wife, Meredith. The soul has GOT to lead. I just don't think the intellect is enough.

Anyway, I'm also determined i'm going to stop TRYING to lose weight with effort, i mean, with dieting. I've stopped weighing myself.

I still eat emotionally. I tend toward everything fatty and fattening and salty. It tastes good but bloats me. But, it's what i WANT. But, i'm hoping God will make it like-calorie free to my body and heal me with it. That would be really nice. Or he will change my desires and lead me through this. I will be led through AWARENESS instead of EFFORT. You know what i mean?

The phone is ringing...and that's my signal to say SHALOM for now. Peace, and goodbye~! There will be more 'pure raw joy' coming... Not everyday is sad. I've been feeling a lot of joy, too, over the last days. But my greatest joy will be when i have overcome all of this shit with food, when i KNOW i'm the diamond, when i'm on stage at the Opera Company of Philadelphia singing my heart out and everyone else knows i'm the diamond, too :-))) Then all of these daily frustrations on 'pure raw joy' will have made sense and will have lead to something truly amazing.

Thank you for your support.

P.S. Who can make me a fake I.D.?

xoxo michelle joy