Hello!
After purging myself [in writing] in my last blog entry, "A day in the life of an addict," I was SO motivated to do well yesterday. [Writing is so cathartic for me!] I felt renewed after writing.
Then a surprise 2nd B.M. urged me to the bathroom, that was exciting, and the prospect of that wonderful need to eliminate after being constipated from cooked food, prompted me to see, had i perhaps lost weight? I THOUGHT i looked better in the mirror! [Even though i had a raw food binge last night?]
Indeed! I weighed in down 10 lbs to 282, without even trying! That's blowing my mind. Valerie, my raw friend, discovered the same thing. Quick weight loss without trying after getting off of cooked. THAT's the power of raw food. In 5 days, to lose 10 lbs of cooked food bloat while eating raw gourmetish just feels magical. I'm so pleased!
I was in the 290's, now the LOW 280's. Next time i check, i'll be back in the 270's!!! I'm not going to be weighing as often, on purpose. I think it's better.
So, filled with positive good feelings after weighing in, I felt motivated to go for a walk! Which i did! I walked to Starbucks and met Cliff for an herbal tea and enjoyed a 20+ mins walk, which felt envigorating. Doing well feels good.
Feeling good makes you WANT to feel good. Why do i want to feel bad, ever? Well, i suppose when i feel badly about things, i like to feel bad.
Nevertheless, I feel very happy about this new turn of events, especially since i could have very well had a disasterous day yesterday, since i craved cooked food so much the previous night and even mentally PLANNED a cooked binge [spring rolls and singapore noodles and a fake chikn cheeze steak.] Would it have stopped there? NOT LIKELY.
But, i resisted temptation and I'm still raw, baby! And that feels fabulous, to have avoided tragedy. Yay! I'm on my way! Doing good makes you WANT to do good. It's like a snowball when you do badly, but it's just the same when you do well. It creates momentum!
I just made Cliff and I one of our famous raw platters for lunch, including the avo/ranch dressing mix on top of mixed greens i spoke of the other day, a cabbage slaw that i doctored up with raw vinegar and carraway seeds, yum, and i doctored up the too thick chia pudding to gourmet restaurant worthy quality. Wow! Better than Cozy Shack Rice Pudding. It's a winner!
All in all, I had a marvelous day! I also taught two singing lessons today and both students did SO well! And i didn't even WANT to go teach them! Before teaching i'm often filled with a great degree of anxiety. I concoct possible 'excuses' in my head and dream of canceling, but remember that the lessons i fear the most usually turn out the best. Fear, fear, fear. It's what surges through my veins so often. My students did just fabulously, and i am a good teacher. That made me feel GREAT. Feeling great makes me want to feel great.
After that, i met Cliff for dinner. I got a delicious salad with Kalamata olives on it. He got a small pizza, and it didn't even call to me. I'm so OVER cooked food. That's how i feel today. It's just like it never happened.
Then, I met Alex, my accompanist, to formulate and rehearse a concert of old-time singing film stars songs. I think it will be a wonderful concert. Songs from Jeannette McDonald, Mario Lanza, etc... I sang wonderfully and that feels amazing.
God, feeling GOOD, doing GOOD, being GOOD feels so much better than eggrolls taste. Gotta remember that. When i went to see Alex, i wasn't scared about how awful i looked. I look better already. And THAT feels marvelous. I like feeling GOOD about ME. Eggrolls make me feel BAD about me.
So, today was a GREAT day. And just think...it could have been a worthless cooked binge day, which might never have ended, i could weigh 300 today, but instead, it was a productive wonderful RAW day, i look better, weigh less, sang great, taught great, ate great! Doing well is a cumulative thing. It picks up steam and you're on you're way!!! YAY!
xoxox michelle joy
Monday, January 18, 2010
A Day in the Life of a Food Addict
It's a new day. The sun is shining. Do i want to be good to myself? Or do i want to hurt myself? The confusing part is that hurting myself feels good. But the good feeling doesn't last. Being truly good to myself, say, by exercising is hard to do, but you feel good longterm and reep longterm rewards.
I'm needing to process and talk out my day yesterday.
Yesterday started out great. Cliff had chocolate smoothie for breakfast...that's one of his favorites, and i had chia pudding...which was very reminiscent of oatmeal with the raisins and cinnamon and vanilla in it.
[On a side note, the pound of chia seeds i used ended up sucking up all of the sweetened cashew cream i mixed in with it and it is so hard now the next morning, like rock hard jello! I'm new to making chia pudding, so next time, i'll use 1/2 bag of chia for the same amount of sweetened cashew cream.]
Things proceeded on fine. I packed us a nice raw lunch in our soft purple igloo. We were going out for the day with unsure plans, so packing it was. I packed a big salad with "ranch" dressing, arnold's carrot "living bread", one avocado to share which i would prepare with a little celtic salt, garlic powder and lemon juice mashed on the living bread, a tomato, some dried organic figs.
I also took leftover chocolate smoothie, leftover green smoothie, more living bread for later and extra dressing, since we'd be out all day.
Lunch was lovely! We had a picnic in the car in the rain in the parking lot of a car dealer, that was fun! We both enjoyed salad with the fabulous dressing i made - ranch style - (blended cashews with garlic, chives, shallot, raw vinegar, celtic salt, agave. It was SUPER GOOD). We also had the avo mix on the raw bread, and a few dried figs for dessert.
Unfortunately, it became apparent that my eating habits suck. I eat so fast. Cliff eats so slow. He has a small mouth. And he takes small bites. I, on the other hand, have a big mouth (as if you didn't know), and take huge bites. And i chew quickly. Chew, chew, swallow. I am done eating when he is not even halfway through.
Cliff was full 1/2way through the salad, but took two bites of his avo covered cracker since i insisted, and ended up finishing the salad. He always remarks how wonderfully he feels after eating raw. Not bloated, not tired, but energetic. He admitted he could have eaten even less, but ate it because it was there.
I feel guilty often after i eat. I know i'm overeating, but i want to. Something inside of me clicks and i abuse food. I finished the rest of his avo cracker and poured more salad dressing on my salad than on his. i also snuck extra crackers when he was outside looking at cars in the rain on the carlot.
I rationalized and mentioned to him, "You know, i weigh alot more than you, and my caloric requirements are probably far greater than yours, that's why i eat more." (I weigh 280-ish. He weighs 180-ish.) "No," he countered, "You need to eat more like me, so you can look like me."
I couldn't argue.
The rest of the day, Cliff was a model of self-control. He asked himself if he was hungry and when he wasn't, didn't eat. Dinner for him was chocolate smoothie. A few dates grabbed later settled his hunger. I have to ask myself why i can't be more like him?
The rest of the day i had a kind of a grey cloud hanging over me. I knew i overate at lunch and it started the ball rolling. In this binge eating book i have it cautions that overeating can spur on a binge. It's true. I'm bad. I know it. I might as well take advantage of it.
Things were status quo as we visited Cliff's mom at the retirement home and had a nice visit. We went over my parent's house to visit them. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and actually thought i was looking much much better since going back to raw. I was pleased with how i looked and thought, heck, maybe i had managed to lose a few more lbs? The cooked food bloat was gone.
Visiting my parents was not as pleasant as i had hoped. My mom's health has got me seriously worried. She has been sick for well over a month with some kind of stomach ailment. Everything she eats comes up on her. I advise her to eat lightly. Stay away from fats, from proteins. Eat more fruit. Look into making smoothies like her neighbor Arlene does. When she listens to me, she feels better.
She also gets chronic laryngitis monthly, which really sets me reeling, being a person so finely attuned to the voice. "Are you drinking enough? Are you yelling alot again? You need to learn to support your voice!" I get so upset every time i hear her voice on the phone and she's hoarse, again.
This time, i felt maybe it was connected to what she had eaten. "Did you eat any meat, or dairy in the last few days?," i questioned, as these are foods i cautioned her to avoid. "I did have some cheese the other day," she confessed. I wonder if that did it?
I think my mother has an ulcer. Everything fatty or hard to digest gives her gastric problems, let alone her vocal problems, which could be reflux related or just some kind of a blockage. She is on a LOT of medications and they are drying, too. Whatever is wrong with her, it worries me severely.
At 4:30p.m., my parents were napping and I was slighty hungry. Cliff was napping, too, and i dug into our igloo. I had an unsatisfying salad (the fabulous ranch dressing didn't taste that great on iceberg lettuce, but was superior on romaine), and had a few peices of the living bread. There was a good movie on, and i was wanting to nosh for fun. I finished the living bread. I had a few dried figs. I was eating for entertainment. I wasn't happy about what i was doing, but the "opportunity" was there...i was alone with food, cliff was napping, and it entertained me.
I looked in my mom's snack closet and saw all of the things that i had eaten only a week ago that would be SO NICE to eat now. I saw potato chips and cookies and macaroni and cheese. I looked in her fridge and saw leftover chinese food containers. Chinese food? I LOVE Chinese food. It was the first time since starting raw again on Thursday that i had craved cooked food again. I was really miserable.
My parents went out, we watched TV and had a pleasant enough time. The eating had stopped for then.
Later when we got home, the binge continued. Cliff was parking the car and i ran into the house to start. I was in the kitchen in a zip and in the time it took him to park the car, i polished off two avocados slathered with that fabulous ranch dressing. [oh my god, incredible combo, gourmet restaurant worthy].
While Cliff was on the computer, oblivious to my binge, i snuck 4 raw cookies, 1/4 bag of kale chips, a raw chocolate bar and 3 lara bars into the living room, and polished those off. The crumpling of wrappers didn't alert him. I didn't know why i was doing it, but the sneaking was fun. Was i trying to get Cliff's attention? Was i worried about singing today at a rehearsal i am supposed to have later? Was i worried about my mother? Am i just trying to kill myself? Kill my voice with reflux?
I wanted cooked food now. I am bad. And i deserve bad. Or good. Whichever way you look at it. I tried to weasel my way into the basement to get some pasta from on top of the secret cooked food cabinet that cliff locked up downstairs. There is a 1/2 box of pasta sitting on TOP of the cabinet that was not locked up when Cliff had to fish out some honey one day when i had run out of raw honey. I know it's there. Just sitting there in the open. I wanted to cook it up and eat it last night. But Cliff was suspicious by then and followed me down the basement, where i was doing laundry, conveniently, with the ulterior motive of snatching the pasta box when the opportunity arose and shoving it in my skirt to cook up later when he went up to bed and i would stay up. I never could get it. He stayed downstairs with me and we walked up together, and by the time i was upstairs, i didn't even want it anymore.
I was having some serious reflux from all of the snacks i had eaten in a row. Betaine HCL helped to help me digest, but....what the hell had i done? And what did i WANT to do.
Earlier, envisioning the pasta box and what i was going to do, i planned a cooked binge for today. I'd get the Singapore Rice Noodles with Tofu and 2 Spring Rolls at the Chinese Restaurant, and then i'd head downtown to finally try the Fake Chikn Cheeze Steak at Govinda's that my coworker, Megan, has been raving about.
[On a side note, the other night after the movies downtown, (Did you see Jeff Bridges win for Best Actor at the Golden Globes last night?) i suggested to Cliff that we walk over to Govinda's and get the fake Chickn Cheeze Steaks. "I can handle it. I'll be okay!," I insisted. That's when HE insisted we get salads at the deli, which we did.] Drats... Foiled again.
On a positive note, I think often about that darling supportive email i recieved from my dear friend, Jan, talking about the stinkin' thinkin' that alcoholics have, "faulty reasoning," that i am plagued with as well. It finally dawned on me late last night that if i got that chickn cheeze steak today and the eggrolls that i'd be right back where i was and i wouldn't be able to stop again. I'm not happy as it is about the weight i gained on my many cooked food binges. Did i intend to do that much harm? No. Do i want to gain even more??? No. In the heat of the moment, those realizations never occur to me. It's good we have mostly everything locked up and not accessible, because I tell myself, i can have just a little and get back on track.
But that still small voice inside knows it's best to avoid that stuff for now, at least. Who knows, maybe some day. The logical part of me doesn't think there's anything wrong with cooked food. The addict part of me knows i like it a wee bit too much. And the worst part is it's EVERYWHERE. Start binge eating on cooked, and everywhere i look, there's something i want.
But, emotionally, what is really driving me? i know that i'm worried about my audition next week, and binge eating and getting the resulting reflux is the surest way to kill my voice, and when i'm nervous, for some reason, i want to harm myself.
I should try to remember more that saying attributed to Nelson Mandela about our worst fear not being that we are worthless, but that we are powerful beyond belief. We're afraid to shine our light, NOT afraid we're no good. I am afraid to shine my light sometimes. I don't know why.
I think all in all...i'm just an addict.
Have you seen, "Crazy Heart" yet? Jeff Bridges character was an alcoholic, but also a very very talented writer and singer. He was afraid of being sober that he couldn't live without booze and his body was addicted to it, but when things got bad enough, he needed to get sober. When he got sober, suddenly his craft started to improve. I think some people are just prone to be addicts, and i'm one of them. If it's not cooked food, it's gourmet raw, etc...
I've been thinking about something i saw on a Christian station on TV, "Self-control is a gift of the spirit and not a gift of the self." It made me realize why i have no self control sometimes. I'm not plugged in. I'm not living from my higher power then. I've been there, i know what it's like. I was plugged in at the Raw Union where i sang at Angela and Matt Monarch's wedding. I resisted the nerves, got proactive, practiced, sang pretty well, was in good voice, no reflux. Not every singing engagement sends me binge eating. I've often been quite proactive and tackled singing projects i considered stressful.
I do have alot on my plate, now, though: italian concert, donizetti opera, audition for opera restaurant, 'those were the days' concert for retirement homes. I'm avoiding alot. Instead of working on things. It's kind of my M.O. Procrastinate. And eat. And procrastinate. It doesn't really WORK, but fills the hours.
I'd better ask God for help to deal with all of this. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
xoxo michelle joy
I'm needing to process and talk out my day yesterday.
Yesterday started out great. Cliff had chocolate smoothie for breakfast...that's one of his favorites, and i had chia pudding...which was very reminiscent of oatmeal with the raisins and cinnamon and vanilla in it.
[On a side note, the pound of chia seeds i used ended up sucking up all of the sweetened cashew cream i mixed in with it and it is so hard now the next morning, like rock hard jello! I'm new to making chia pudding, so next time, i'll use 1/2 bag of chia for the same amount of sweetened cashew cream.]
Things proceeded on fine. I packed us a nice raw lunch in our soft purple igloo. We were going out for the day with unsure plans, so packing it was. I packed a big salad with "ranch" dressing, arnold's carrot "living bread", one avocado to share which i would prepare with a little celtic salt, garlic powder and lemon juice mashed on the living bread, a tomato, some dried organic figs.
I also took leftover chocolate smoothie, leftover green smoothie, more living bread for later and extra dressing, since we'd be out all day.
Lunch was lovely! We had a picnic in the car in the rain in the parking lot of a car dealer, that was fun! We both enjoyed salad with the fabulous dressing i made - ranch style - (blended cashews with garlic, chives, shallot, raw vinegar, celtic salt, agave. It was SUPER GOOD). We also had the avo mix on the raw bread, and a few dried figs for dessert.
Unfortunately, it became apparent that my eating habits suck. I eat so fast. Cliff eats so slow. He has a small mouth. And he takes small bites. I, on the other hand, have a big mouth (as if you didn't know), and take huge bites. And i chew quickly. Chew, chew, swallow. I am done eating when he is not even halfway through.
Cliff was full 1/2way through the salad, but took two bites of his avo covered cracker since i insisted, and ended up finishing the salad. He always remarks how wonderfully he feels after eating raw. Not bloated, not tired, but energetic. He admitted he could have eaten even less, but ate it because it was there.
I feel guilty often after i eat. I know i'm overeating, but i want to. Something inside of me clicks and i abuse food. I finished the rest of his avo cracker and poured more salad dressing on my salad than on his. i also snuck extra crackers when he was outside looking at cars in the rain on the carlot.
I rationalized and mentioned to him, "You know, i weigh alot more than you, and my caloric requirements are probably far greater than yours, that's why i eat more." (I weigh 280-ish. He weighs 180-ish.) "No," he countered, "You need to eat more like me, so you can look like me."
I couldn't argue.
The rest of the day, Cliff was a model of self-control. He asked himself if he was hungry and when he wasn't, didn't eat. Dinner for him was chocolate smoothie. A few dates grabbed later settled his hunger. I have to ask myself why i can't be more like him?
The rest of the day i had a kind of a grey cloud hanging over me. I knew i overate at lunch and it started the ball rolling. In this binge eating book i have it cautions that overeating can spur on a binge. It's true. I'm bad. I know it. I might as well take advantage of it.
Things were status quo as we visited Cliff's mom at the retirement home and had a nice visit. We went over my parent's house to visit them. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and actually thought i was looking much much better since going back to raw. I was pleased with how i looked and thought, heck, maybe i had managed to lose a few more lbs? The cooked food bloat was gone.
Visiting my parents was not as pleasant as i had hoped. My mom's health has got me seriously worried. She has been sick for well over a month with some kind of stomach ailment. Everything she eats comes up on her. I advise her to eat lightly. Stay away from fats, from proteins. Eat more fruit. Look into making smoothies like her neighbor Arlene does. When she listens to me, she feels better.
She also gets chronic laryngitis monthly, which really sets me reeling, being a person so finely attuned to the voice. "Are you drinking enough? Are you yelling alot again? You need to learn to support your voice!" I get so upset every time i hear her voice on the phone and she's hoarse, again.
This time, i felt maybe it was connected to what she had eaten. "Did you eat any meat, or dairy in the last few days?," i questioned, as these are foods i cautioned her to avoid. "I did have some cheese the other day," she confessed. I wonder if that did it?
I think my mother has an ulcer. Everything fatty or hard to digest gives her gastric problems, let alone her vocal problems, which could be reflux related or just some kind of a blockage. She is on a LOT of medications and they are drying, too. Whatever is wrong with her, it worries me severely.
At 4:30p.m., my parents were napping and I was slighty hungry. Cliff was napping, too, and i dug into our igloo. I had an unsatisfying salad (the fabulous ranch dressing didn't taste that great on iceberg lettuce, but was superior on romaine), and had a few peices of the living bread. There was a good movie on, and i was wanting to nosh for fun. I finished the living bread. I had a few dried figs. I was eating for entertainment. I wasn't happy about what i was doing, but the "opportunity" was there...i was alone with food, cliff was napping, and it entertained me.
I looked in my mom's snack closet and saw all of the things that i had eaten only a week ago that would be SO NICE to eat now. I saw potato chips and cookies and macaroni and cheese. I looked in her fridge and saw leftover chinese food containers. Chinese food? I LOVE Chinese food. It was the first time since starting raw again on Thursday that i had craved cooked food again. I was really miserable.
My parents went out, we watched TV and had a pleasant enough time. The eating had stopped for then.
Later when we got home, the binge continued. Cliff was parking the car and i ran into the house to start. I was in the kitchen in a zip and in the time it took him to park the car, i polished off two avocados slathered with that fabulous ranch dressing. [oh my god, incredible combo, gourmet restaurant worthy].
While Cliff was on the computer, oblivious to my binge, i snuck 4 raw cookies, 1/4 bag of kale chips, a raw chocolate bar and 3 lara bars into the living room, and polished those off. The crumpling of wrappers didn't alert him. I didn't know why i was doing it, but the sneaking was fun. Was i trying to get Cliff's attention? Was i worried about singing today at a rehearsal i am supposed to have later? Was i worried about my mother? Am i just trying to kill myself? Kill my voice with reflux?
I wanted cooked food now. I am bad. And i deserve bad. Or good. Whichever way you look at it. I tried to weasel my way into the basement to get some pasta from on top of the secret cooked food cabinet that cliff locked up downstairs. There is a 1/2 box of pasta sitting on TOP of the cabinet that was not locked up when Cliff had to fish out some honey one day when i had run out of raw honey. I know it's there. Just sitting there in the open. I wanted to cook it up and eat it last night. But Cliff was suspicious by then and followed me down the basement, where i was doing laundry, conveniently, with the ulterior motive of snatching the pasta box when the opportunity arose and shoving it in my skirt to cook up later when he went up to bed and i would stay up. I never could get it. He stayed downstairs with me and we walked up together, and by the time i was upstairs, i didn't even want it anymore.
I was having some serious reflux from all of the snacks i had eaten in a row. Betaine HCL helped to help me digest, but....what the hell had i done? And what did i WANT to do.
Earlier, envisioning the pasta box and what i was going to do, i planned a cooked binge for today. I'd get the Singapore Rice Noodles with Tofu and 2 Spring Rolls at the Chinese Restaurant, and then i'd head downtown to finally try the Fake Chikn Cheeze Steak at Govinda's that my coworker, Megan, has been raving about.
[On a side note, the other night after the movies downtown, (Did you see Jeff Bridges win for Best Actor at the Golden Globes last night?) i suggested to Cliff that we walk over to Govinda's and get the fake Chickn Cheeze Steaks. "I can handle it. I'll be okay!," I insisted. That's when HE insisted we get salads at the deli, which we did.] Drats... Foiled again.
On a positive note, I think often about that darling supportive email i recieved from my dear friend, Jan, talking about the stinkin' thinkin' that alcoholics have, "faulty reasoning," that i am plagued with as well. It finally dawned on me late last night that if i got that chickn cheeze steak today and the eggrolls that i'd be right back where i was and i wouldn't be able to stop again. I'm not happy as it is about the weight i gained on my many cooked food binges. Did i intend to do that much harm? No. Do i want to gain even more??? No. In the heat of the moment, those realizations never occur to me. It's good we have mostly everything locked up and not accessible, because I tell myself, i can have just a little and get back on track.
But that still small voice inside knows it's best to avoid that stuff for now, at least. Who knows, maybe some day. The logical part of me doesn't think there's anything wrong with cooked food. The addict part of me knows i like it a wee bit too much. And the worst part is it's EVERYWHERE. Start binge eating on cooked, and everywhere i look, there's something i want.
But, emotionally, what is really driving me? i know that i'm worried about my audition next week, and binge eating and getting the resulting reflux is the surest way to kill my voice, and when i'm nervous, for some reason, i want to harm myself.
I should try to remember more that saying attributed to Nelson Mandela about our worst fear not being that we are worthless, but that we are powerful beyond belief. We're afraid to shine our light, NOT afraid we're no good. I am afraid to shine my light sometimes. I don't know why.
I think all in all...i'm just an addict.
Have you seen, "Crazy Heart" yet? Jeff Bridges character was an alcoholic, but also a very very talented writer and singer. He was afraid of being sober that he couldn't live without booze and his body was addicted to it, but when things got bad enough, he needed to get sober. When he got sober, suddenly his craft started to improve. I think some people are just prone to be addicts, and i'm one of them. If it's not cooked food, it's gourmet raw, etc...
I've been thinking about something i saw on a Christian station on TV, "Self-control is a gift of the spirit and not a gift of the self." It made me realize why i have no self control sometimes. I'm not plugged in. I'm not living from my higher power then. I've been there, i know what it's like. I was plugged in at the Raw Union where i sang at Angela and Matt Monarch's wedding. I resisted the nerves, got proactive, practiced, sang pretty well, was in good voice, no reflux. Not every singing engagement sends me binge eating. I've often been quite proactive and tackled singing projects i considered stressful.
I do have alot on my plate, now, though: italian concert, donizetti opera, audition for opera restaurant, 'those were the days' concert for retirement homes. I'm avoiding alot. Instead of working on things. It's kind of my M.O. Procrastinate. And eat. And procrastinate. It doesn't really WORK, but fills the hours.
I'd better ask God for help to deal with all of this. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
xoxo michelle joy
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Letter from a Dear Friend...and an Update!
Dearest Michelle,
You have been ever-present on my mind these last few days. I so care for you and want the best for you, dear Michelle! My heart was so heavy for you after reading your blog on Wednesday, to quote: " I savored the popcorn, because i said to myself, "This is the last cooked meal you're eating." It just all made sense in my heart and in my mind. All of my problems lately were as a result of eating cooked food. I made peace with it and am now moving on. It was fun while it lasted."
Well, since then you have had Day One of eating raw -Yeah!! All we can ever do is to take one day at a time. Your struggles remind me so much of what my dear significant other, Jim, used to say to me. When he first became sober and stopped drinking, he had to go cold turkey and not even contemplate having even one sip of any alcohol. To do so would simply lead him down that slippery slope that would lead to, among other things, "faulty thinking" that he could be like other people who could drink socially, who could have just one drink and not want another, and another...
That song from "Crazy Heart" is so applicable to what you are struggling with. Yes, I do believe that God answered your prayer so that you heard that interview on NPR. Your slippery slope has been, of late, to rationalize and say that you can be raw and have just a little cooked food. Starting to think that way, allowing yourself to entertain that thought...
I was goin' where i shouldn't go...
and seein' whom i shouldn't see...
doin' what i shouldn't do...
and meetin' who i shouldn't meet.
Such a powerful message for you, dear Michie, but one that you have obviously heard loud and clear.
I am so so grateful that you are now back on that raw wagon and have had Day One of Raw. I'm sure you had to dig really deep and not think of the cooked foods that you were missing. Having your first day back being a work day at Arnold's was a real blessing, too, because, well, first off, everything there is raw, but also keeping busy, staying distracted can a godsend, too. I have heard some say that "work is therapy" and you had some therapy yesterday to help get you through!
Now, this morning, I read your One Day at a Time blog. You deserve to be proud of yourself that your back on track. You had one full day of raw! Now, today, it's a new day and you awoke feeling fine and energetic. I am so proud of you. As far as the forty pounds that you have recently gained, I'm reminded of something that I heard at a Weight Watchers meeting years ago. A woman who had probably two hundred pounds to lose when asked how much she needed to lose said "five pounds." She had found that if she focused on that two hundred pounds the task would be so daunting that she might not even try, but just focusing on five pounds at a time was very doable for her.
I believe you are on the right track, Michelle, and will be praying for God to direct your path.
With much love,
Jan
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Isn't Jan the sweetest, most wonderful friend? We've been dear friends since we met in OHI over 3 years ago. Jan is now making green smoothies for herself and contemplating incorporating more raw foods into her diet. Let's give her a big BRAVA!!!!!
Just a quick update: I'm on Day 4 of raw. Feels good to be back on track. Cliff is a huge support. He's lost 9 lbs, and just to demonstrate to you his committment, he ordered a salad with me at a deli the other night. Pretty amazing. We have smoothies every morning. I leave him a huge salad for lunch with yummy raw dressing and a huge chocolate smoothie and a huge green smoothie, and with that and fruit, he's set until he comes home after work. He's eating sometimes a peice of pizza out, so he's mostly raw, but just making incredible strides and feeling SO MUCH BETTER!!!
As a treat, Cliffy took me out to the movies yesterday. We watched Jeff Bridges in "Crazy Heart". It was wonderful. Sad, but wonderful. And i got to hear my song "Fallin' Feels Like Flyin'" which fills me with such joy to hear that. I didn't get all of the words correct, so i'll go back and fix them. I look forward to buying the CD from the film to make sure i have them all right and i can sing it correctly around the house. It's my cheering-me-on song the last few days. Nevertheless, I really recommend the movie.
Audition news: I have to go back for my opera restaurant audition, again, next week. They don't use backtracks, but have a live accompanist, so i need to bring sheet music with, and arrive much later, so i can sing when people are eating. Cliff and I got there about 3pm with my backtracks, so we'll have to go back. But it was lovely to meet Franco of the "HIGHNOTE CAFE" at 13th and Tasker in S. Philly. He seems so very nice. And the restaurant is lovely. I'm nervous, but excited about this new prospect.
Some freaky good news - you know we've been taking the E3Live Supplement daily, it's a blue-green algae from Oregon, and two freaky things are happening! Firstly, i think my hair is growing! My bald spot suddenly doesn't look as bald! I didn't realize because i hadn't colored my hair in well over 2 months and with the grey, i didn't really notice. And at work, we have to wear head covereings, so i have kerchiefs or hats on all of the time. Yesterday i colored my hair with a natural vegetable hair dye and i'm like....woooooo.....i have a LOT MORE HAIR in front!!!! Wooo hoo! I've HEARD people say E3Live will make your hair grow and that's exactly WHY i was interested in it. I've been losing hair ever since high school, but especially heavily since going raw. I'll have to see if i can get some pictures together to show you the difference. We've been on the supplement for at least 1 month and are up to 3 Tbsp a day. Wow!!!
Secondly, i went to pluck this hair out of this mole i have on the right side of my jaw? The hair wasn't there...and the mole was GONE!!! I was incredulous, looking all over for it, i thought i was crazy...but, it wasn't there! I called Cliff upstairs...!! I called my mother....!!! She exclaimed, "If anyone else would have told me that, i wouldn't believe it!"
Other news: I made chia pudding. Man, it's GOOD! Did you ever make it?
Today: Cliff and i are going out for the day. i'll go up and pack us a raw lunch.
Oh, yesterday we had a to-go meal from All The Way Live www.alllivefood.com, a local raw foodery only opened on fridays and saturdays. it was luscious. Especially the apple pie...mmmm.. We had picnic in front of the Schulkyll River on Kelly Drive. Romantic!
xoxox michelle joy
You have been ever-present on my mind these last few days. I so care for you and want the best for you, dear Michelle! My heart was so heavy for you after reading your blog on Wednesday, to quote: " I savored the popcorn, because i said to myself, "This is the last cooked meal you're eating." It just all made sense in my heart and in my mind. All of my problems lately were as a result of eating cooked food. I made peace with it and am now moving on. It was fun while it lasted."
Well, since then you have had Day One of eating raw -Yeah!! All we can ever do is to take one day at a time. Your struggles remind me so much of what my dear significant other, Jim, used to say to me. When he first became sober and stopped drinking, he had to go cold turkey and not even contemplate having even one sip of any alcohol. To do so would simply lead him down that slippery slope that would lead to, among other things, "faulty thinking" that he could be like other people who could drink socially, who could have just one drink and not want another, and another...
That song from "Crazy Heart" is so applicable to what you are struggling with. Yes, I do believe that God answered your prayer so that you heard that interview on NPR. Your slippery slope has been, of late, to rationalize and say that you can be raw and have just a little cooked food. Starting to think that way, allowing yourself to entertain that thought...
I was goin' where i shouldn't go...
and seein' whom i shouldn't see...
doin' what i shouldn't do...
and meetin' who i shouldn't meet.
Such a powerful message for you, dear Michie, but one that you have obviously heard loud and clear.
I am so so grateful that you are now back on that raw wagon and have had Day One of Raw. I'm sure you had to dig really deep and not think of the cooked foods that you were missing. Having your first day back being a work day at Arnold's was a real blessing, too, because, well, first off, everything there is raw, but also keeping busy, staying distracted can a godsend, too. I have heard some say that "work is therapy" and you had some therapy yesterday to help get you through!
Now, this morning, I read your One Day at a Time blog. You deserve to be proud of yourself that your back on track. You had one full day of raw! Now, today, it's a new day and you awoke feeling fine and energetic. I am so proud of you. As far as the forty pounds that you have recently gained, I'm reminded of something that I heard at a Weight Watchers meeting years ago. A woman who had probably two hundred pounds to lose when asked how much she needed to lose said "five pounds." She had found that if she focused on that two hundred pounds the task would be so daunting that she might not even try, but just focusing on five pounds at a time was very doable for her.
I believe you are on the right track, Michelle, and will be praying for God to direct your path.
With much love,
Jan
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Isn't Jan the sweetest, most wonderful friend? We've been dear friends since we met in OHI over 3 years ago. Jan is now making green smoothies for herself and contemplating incorporating more raw foods into her diet. Let's give her a big BRAVA!!!!!
Just a quick update: I'm on Day 4 of raw. Feels good to be back on track. Cliff is a huge support. He's lost 9 lbs, and just to demonstrate to you his committment, he ordered a salad with me at a deli the other night. Pretty amazing. We have smoothies every morning. I leave him a huge salad for lunch with yummy raw dressing and a huge chocolate smoothie and a huge green smoothie, and with that and fruit, he's set until he comes home after work. He's eating sometimes a peice of pizza out, so he's mostly raw, but just making incredible strides and feeling SO MUCH BETTER!!!
As a treat, Cliffy took me out to the movies yesterday. We watched Jeff Bridges in "Crazy Heart". It was wonderful. Sad, but wonderful. And i got to hear my song "Fallin' Feels Like Flyin'" which fills me with such joy to hear that. I didn't get all of the words correct, so i'll go back and fix them. I look forward to buying the CD from the film to make sure i have them all right and i can sing it correctly around the house. It's my cheering-me-on song the last few days. Nevertheless, I really recommend the movie.
Audition news: I have to go back for my opera restaurant audition, again, next week. They don't use backtracks, but have a live accompanist, so i need to bring sheet music with, and arrive much later, so i can sing when people are eating. Cliff and I got there about 3pm with my backtracks, so we'll have to go back. But it was lovely to meet Franco of the "HIGHNOTE CAFE" at 13th and Tasker in S. Philly. He seems so very nice. And the restaurant is lovely. I'm nervous, but excited about this new prospect.
Some freaky good news - you know we've been taking the E3Live Supplement daily, it's a blue-green algae from Oregon, and two freaky things are happening! Firstly, i think my hair is growing! My bald spot suddenly doesn't look as bald! I didn't realize because i hadn't colored my hair in well over 2 months and with the grey, i didn't really notice. And at work, we have to wear head covereings, so i have kerchiefs or hats on all of the time. Yesterday i colored my hair with a natural vegetable hair dye and i'm like....woooooo.....i have a LOT MORE HAIR in front!!!! Wooo hoo! I've HEARD people say E3Live will make your hair grow and that's exactly WHY i was interested in it. I've been losing hair ever since high school, but especially heavily since going raw. I'll have to see if i can get some pictures together to show you the difference. We've been on the supplement for at least 1 month and are up to 3 Tbsp a day. Wow!!!
Secondly, i went to pluck this hair out of this mole i have on the right side of my jaw? The hair wasn't there...and the mole was GONE!!! I was incredulous, looking all over for it, i thought i was crazy...but, it wasn't there! I called Cliff upstairs...!! I called my mother....!!! She exclaimed, "If anyone else would have told me that, i wouldn't believe it!"
Other news: I made chia pudding. Man, it's GOOD! Did you ever make it?
Today: Cliff and i are going out for the day. i'll go up and pack us a raw lunch.
Oh, yesterday we had a to-go meal from All The Way Live www.alllivefood.com, a local raw foodery only opened on fridays and saturdays. it was luscious. Especially the apple pie...mmmm.. We had picnic in front of the Schulkyll River on Kelly Drive. Romantic!
xoxox michelle joy
Friday, January 15, 2010
One Day At A Time!
Good morning!
I'm feeling fine and energetic this morning :-)) After a raw day yesterday, i lost a little of the bloat and weighed in at 290.5. My goal today is to stay raw and to break 290 tomorrow. Small baby steps. [Update: after a 2nd surprise B.M, i weighed in at 289, yay! -3 in one day raw!]
A friend wrote me last night and was very concerned about me. She noticed I had gained weight and was sincerely worried about my admission to eating cooked food since we have only known each other as raw foodists. Well, the good news is I was all raw yesterday, and well, here's part of the note i sent her. I think it helps to explain what kept me going with the cooked - and after the note, i think i REALLY am beginning to figure out what drives me...
"Hon, I think when i wrote you about what's been going on with the food, i was trying to be very honest with myself. I kept telling everyone "i can't stop eating cooked food, it's horrible!!!" but i didn't really FEEL that way. So when i wrote you, i was like, "I LOVE IT!!" The truth is, i DID love it. i loved it very much, but i knew i couldn't stop and i was, and still am very worried in a healthy way. I gained alot of weight, so next time you see me you will notice even more!!! THAT part of this has been really one of the only downsides. Honestly, if it weren't for the weight gain, and my out of control behavior with cooked food, i think i'd still be eating it - Veggie Burgers, Pizza, Singapore Rice Noodles, Fried Spring Rolls. I mean SO delish! The crunch, the textures, the flavors! Now i know why no one wants to give up cooked food to be a raw foodist. Taking the supplements i've been taking, i felt freakily fine eating this stuff. You would think i'd break out in horrible rashes or get sick. But i didn't. That's what's so bizarre. I kept WAITING to get sick - WAITING for something to say 'OK ITS TIME TO STOP!' But it never came...in the form of a cold or a rash or any bizarre reaction. I can only say that is the power of E3Live and Betaine HcL. Nevertheless, it has been a long and hard battle getting back on track, but mostly MENTALLY. The battle has been a MENTAL ONE. I still WANTED to eat the cooked vegetarian stuff. Yes, once you start, it's almost imipossible to stop. But, i had been praying and asking God for direction and it came in the most amazing way, in a song i heard on the radio. "It's funny how falling feels like flying...for a little while. A little voice told me it was wrong. Another voice told me it was right." The song really addressed what i was feeling. I felt like i was FLYING, it was delicious. It was fun. I felt good. But, i was getting fatter by the minute. And that's the really really unfortunate part about all of this. Because i had been doing very well with my weight and was consistently coming down overall. Now i'm higher than i have been in quite some time, but not as high as i was before i started 80-10-10. Anyway, the next weeks will be the hardest. I have to stay very focused. I was raw yesterday. And plan on being raw from now on. Because it helps me control my weight. Because it keeps 'normal' food less accessible. Once you start eating cooked, you realize it's EVERYWHERE! One day at a time, i will be raw, as they say! It's easy to do ANYTHING for a day, but when you think of longterm it's overwhelming."
Yes, when i awoke this morning and realized i'd had had an all raw day yesterday, i smiled to myself. I AM happy to be back on track. And weighing less, out of the 290's!!! gives me motivation to do well today to keep moving on down the 280's. When i think i have to lose 40 lbs, i get very discouraged. But when i think i only have to lose 1lb today, THAT i can do, one day at a time. By just eating very little salt, and lots of green smoothies, i can accomplish that!
I know i have tremendous amounts of water stuck inside, because at the movies, i had polished off a medium bag of popcorn and a medium soda. Have you ever seen the SIZE of those sodas????? ENORMOUS. And I didn't peepee at all that night, so i KNOW i'm holding a ton of water weight inside just waiting to come out!
Truth be told, I've been under ALOT of stress. Not just with the food. With my financial situation, and my career. I'm a raw chef, but it's not my callling. It took me time to figure that out, but i've admitted it. Yes, I'm talented with food, but my biggest talent, the thing i need to do - is sing and perform. I have improved so much lately that i really feel i could be a professional opera singer.
What's holding me back is FEAR OF FAILURE and REJECTION...and my WEIGHT. I have alot against me, namely my AGE and LACK OF CONFIDENCE. Those can be overcome, but, in order to be even considered viable for professional roles these days, one must be within a normal weight range. I would like to lose 65 lbs and then audition for opera companies. At 225lbs, i would be within a reasonable range to be considered for being hired.
Right now, i'm working on many musical projects, an italian concert, an opera by Donizetti, a concert of songs from the old movie singing stars like Jeannette MacDonald and Mario Lanza. 2 of these projects will not increase my income, so working on them is a mental struggle, but i accepted the projects and know they will increase my skill.
I'm also contemplating auditioning for an opera restaurant, where I can sing nightly and will wait on customers and make tips. At least it will improve my skill and make me some money. I've been absolutely beyond broke. I had to borrow money from my mother.
Working more as a raw chef doesn't call to me. Writing raw cookbooks or any of the things people suggest don't call to me. You know what calls to me? You know what i really FEEL? When i read the magazine, "Opera News," i have BUTTERFLIES in my stomach. I want THAT. I look at the cover and say "I WANT to be on the cover." When i watch an opera with my mom at the MET SIMULCAST now in HD at the movie theaters, i SEE myself there and say to myself, "I'm just as good, if not BETTER." Feeling like you have something special to give, but are trapped by your own limitations, your own addictions, your fears...is a terrible place to be. That's been me.
I'm hoping that being raw again will increase my clarity about my career and my financial situation as it's been a very bleak period. I suppose the cooked food covered over all of that.
I'm working the SECRET right now to lose 65 lbs (weigh 225) and audition for opera companies and get my first professional role singing opera. PRAY FOR ME AND WORK THE SECRET WITH ME!!
And i'll continue to pray to God for direction.
I'm always inspired by Meredith Frantz's blog. Check that out: http://www.therawseed.com/. It's really wonderful.
xoxo michelle joy
I'm feeling fine and energetic this morning :-)) After a raw day yesterday, i lost a little of the bloat and weighed in at 290.5. My goal today is to stay raw and to break 290 tomorrow. Small baby steps. [Update: after a 2nd surprise B.M, i weighed in at 289, yay! -3 in one day raw!]
A friend wrote me last night and was very concerned about me. She noticed I had gained weight and was sincerely worried about my admission to eating cooked food since we have only known each other as raw foodists. Well, the good news is I was all raw yesterday, and well, here's part of the note i sent her. I think it helps to explain what kept me going with the cooked - and after the note, i think i REALLY am beginning to figure out what drives me...
"Hon, I think when i wrote you about what's been going on with the food, i was trying to be very honest with myself. I kept telling everyone "i can't stop eating cooked food, it's horrible!!!" but i didn't really FEEL that way. So when i wrote you, i was like, "I LOVE IT!!" The truth is, i DID love it. i loved it very much, but i knew i couldn't stop and i was, and still am very worried in a healthy way. I gained alot of weight, so next time you see me you will notice even more!!! THAT part of this has been really one of the only downsides. Honestly, if it weren't for the weight gain, and my out of control behavior with cooked food, i think i'd still be eating it - Veggie Burgers, Pizza, Singapore Rice Noodles, Fried Spring Rolls. I mean SO delish! The crunch, the textures, the flavors! Now i know why no one wants to give up cooked food to be a raw foodist. Taking the supplements i've been taking, i felt freakily fine eating this stuff. You would think i'd break out in horrible rashes or get sick. But i didn't. That's what's so bizarre. I kept WAITING to get sick - WAITING for something to say 'OK ITS TIME TO STOP!' But it never came...in the form of a cold or a rash or any bizarre reaction. I can only say that is the power of E3Live and Betaine HcL. Nevertheless, it has been a long and hard battle getting back on track, but mostly MENTALLY. The battle has been a MENTAL ONE. I still WANTED to eat the cooked vegetarian stuff. Yes, once you start, it's almost imipossible to stop. But, i had been praying and asking God for direction and it came in the most amazing way, in a song i heard on the radio. "It's funny how falling feels like flying...for a little while. A little voice told me it was wrong. Another voice told me it was right." The song really addressed what i was feeling. I felt like i was FLYING, it was delicious. It was fun. I felt good. But, i was getting fatter by the minute. And that's the really really unfortunate part about all of this. Because i had been doing very well with my weight and was consistently coming down overall. Now i'm higher than i have been in quite some time, but not as high as i was before i started 80-10-10. Anyway, the next weeks will be the hardest. I have to stay very focused. I was raw yesterday. And plan on being raw from now on. Because it helps me control my weight. Because it keeps 'normal' food less accessible. Once you start eating cooked, you realize it's EVERYWHERE! One day at a time, i will be raw, as they say! It's easy to do ANYTHING for a day, but when you think of longterm it's overwhelming."
Yes, when i awoke this morning and realized i'd had had an all raw day yesterday, i smiled to myself. I AM happy to be back on track. And weighing less, out of the 290's!!! gives me motivation to do well today to keep moving on down the 280's. When i think i have to lose 40 lbs, i get very discouraged. But when i think i only have to lose 1lb today, THAT i can do, one day at a time. By just eating very little salt, and lots of green smoothies, i can accomplish that!
I know i have tremendous amounts of water stuck inside, because at the movies, i had polished off a medium bag of popcorn and a medium soda. Have you ever seen the SIZE of those sodas????? ENORMOUS. And I didn't peepee at all that night, so i KNOW i'm holding a ton of water weight inside just waiting to come out!
Truth be told, I've been under ALOT of stress. Not just with the food. With my financial situation, and my career. I'm a raw chef, but it's not my callling. It took me time to figure that out, but i've admitted it. Yes, I'm talented with food, but my biggest talent, the thing i need to do - is sing and perform. I have improved so much lately that i really feel i could be a professional opera singer.
What's holding me back is FEAR OF FAILURE and REJECTION...and my WEIGHT. I have alot against me, namely my AGE and LACK OF CONFIDENCE. Those can be overcome, but, in order to be even considered viable for professional roles these days, one must be within a normal weight range. I would like to lose 65 lbs and then audition for opera companies. At 225lbs, i would be within a reasonable range to be considered for being hired.
Right now, i'm working on many musical projects, an italian concert, an opera by Donizetti, a concert of songs from the old movie singing stars like Jeannette MacDonald and Mario Lanza. 2 of these projects will not increase my income, so working on them is a mental struggle, but i accepted the projects and know they will increase my skill.
I'm also contemplating auditioning for an opera restaurant, where I can sing nightly and will wait on customers and make tips. At least it will improve my skill and make me some money. I've been absolutely beyond broke. I had to borrow money from my mother.
Working more as a raw chef doesn't call to me. Writing raw cookbooks or any of the things people suggest don't call to me. You know what calls to me? You know what i really FEEL? When i read the magazine, "Opera News," i have BUTTERFLIES in my stomach. I want THAT. I look at the cover and say "I WANT to be on the cover." When i watch an opera with my mom at the MET SIMULCAST now in HD at the movie theaters, i SEE myself there and say to myself, "I'm just as good, if not BETTER." Feeling like you have something special to give, but are trapped by your own limitations, your own addictions, your fears...is a terrible place to be. That's been me.
I'm hoping that being raw again will increase my clarity about my career and my financial situation as it's been a very bleak period. I suppose the cooked food covered over all of that.
I'm working the SECRET right now to lose 65 lbs (weigh 225) and audition for opera companies and get my first professional role singing opera. PRAY FOR ME AND WORK THE SECRET WITH ME!!
And i'll continue to pray to God for direction.
I'm always inspired by Meredith Frantz's blog. Check that out: http://www.therawseed.com/. It's really wonderful.
xoxo michelle joy
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Raw Day ONE
Hi there,
I'm sitting at the library, and my legs feel like balloons. I guess that's what popcorn at the movies yesterday will do to ya... Salt Retention! It's not fun.
I woke up feeling really hopeful. Really motivated to get back on track. And I had a work day at Arnold's Way and managed to stay all raw, thank God. No cravings to go to Dunkin' Donuts this morning, and no cravings to go to McDonald's for fries this evening. That feels like a burden lifted. I keep hearing that song in my head from "CRAZY HEART" with Jeff Bridges, "Sometimes falling feels like flying...for a little while." Is that ever true or what? I suppose alcoholics really enjoy drinking like i enjoy eating...until it gets out of control, that is, and there are consequences.
I weighed myself this morning. 292. Frightening. But, i HAVE to move THROUGH this. Can't allow myself to have a pity party. I've weighed as high as 299.5 in my highest during these 3 years raw, so, it's actually not as bad as it was then. My highest was 425 and thank God i'm not there today.
I drank alot of green smoothies today. I wanted to do a green smoothie fast but didn't make it and feel somewhat like a failure, although i must guard against that mentality as it only proves to suck me under. An all raw day TODAY can't be considered a failure, so i ought to cut myself a break, a big one. I had smoothies all morning, a nori wrap with avo later, some flax crackers. I really didn't do too badly, but, the impulse to crash diet is very very strong. I don't want to LIVE with this extra weight and have to cope with it. I'm anxious to lose this 40 lbs i packed on scarfing french fries and onion rings NOW. Now, do you hear me? NOW!
All of the cooked fried food WAS fun. My kind of fun. But look at me suffering now. Bloated, fatter. I received an email from a dear friend who said she noticed i gained weight. That stung. But, how could you NOT notice? Being out in the public eye, at Arnold's, is not fun now that i'm heavier. EVERYONE notices. No one says anything, but they notice. I notice.
You know what? Weight gain is awful. If people start drinking alcohol or something, you can't SEE it immediately on them, like you can weight gain.
Well, this too shall pass. Gaining weight is not a crime.
Act as if. Act as if i'm skinny. Act as if i never went OFF of raw. Act as if i'm perfectly content with how i look. Act as if i have no cravings. And it will all come to be!
xoxox michelle joy
I'm sitting at the library, and my legs feel like balloons. I guess that's what popcorn at the movies yesterday will do to ya... Salt Retention! It's not fun.
I woke up feeling really hopeful. Really motivated to get back on track. And I had a work day at Arnold's Way and managed to stay all raw, thank God. No cravings to go to Dunkin' Donuts this morning, and no cravings to go to McDonald's for fries this evening. That feels like a burden lifted. I keep hearing that song in my head from "CRAZY HEART" with Jeff Bridges, "Sometimes falling feels like flying...for a little while." Is that ever true or what? I suppose alcoholics really enjoy drinking like i enjoy eating...until it gets out of control, that is, and there are consequences.
I weighed myself this morning. 292. Frightening. But, i HAVE to move THROUGH this. Can't allow myself to have a pity party. I've weighed as high as 299.5 in my highest during these 3 years raw, so, it's actually not as bad as it was then. My highest was 425 and thank God i'm not there today.
I drank alot of green smoothies today. I wanted to do a green smoothie fast but didn't make it and feel somewhat like a failure, although i must guard against that mentality as it only proves to suck me under. An all raw day TODAY can't be considered a failure, so i ought to cut myself a break, a big one. I had smoothies all morning, a nori wrap with avo later, some flax crackers. I really didn't do too badly, but, the impulse to crash diet is very very strong. I don't want to LIVE with this extra weight and have to cope with it. I'm anxious to lose this 40 lbs i packed on scarfing french fries and onion rings NOW. Now, do you hear me? NOW!
All of the cooked fried food WAS fun. My kind of fun. But look at me suffering now. Bloated, fatter. I received an email from a dear friend who said she noticed i gained weight. That stung. But, how could you NOT notice? Being out in the public eye, at Arnold's, is not fun now that i'm heavier. EVERYONE notices. No one says anything, but they notice. I notice.
You know what? Weight gain is awful. If people start drinking alcohol or something, you can't SEE it immediately on them, like you can weight gain.
Well, this too shall pass. Gaining weight is not a crime.
Act as if. Act as if i'm skinny. Act as if i never went OFF of raw. Act as if i'm perfectly content with how i look. Act as if i have no cravings. And it will all come to be!
xoxox michelle joy
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fallin' Feels like Flyin'
Well, i talked to God and this is what he told me - I've been deluding myself. I've been havin' a good old time, "feeling like i'm flying...when i'm really falling." I heard this song on Public Radio on an interview about Jeff Bridges' new movie, and it really struck me to the core.
FALLIN' FEELS LIKE FLYING
from the movie "Crazy Heart" with Jeff Bridges
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkMDJuKeix0
from the movie "Crazy Heart" with Jeff Bridges
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkMDJuKeix0
I was goin' where i shouldn't go...
and seein' whom i shouldn't see...
doin' what i shouldn't do...
and meetin' who i shouldn't meet.
A little voice told me it's all wrong
Another voice told me it's alright
I used to think that i was strong
until lately that it's hard to fight
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin' if only for a little while
I got tired of bein' good
I started missin' that old feelin'
Stop actin' like i thought i should
No matter what it did to me
I never did hurt no one
I was happy and had my way
I got tired of bein' good
I started missin' that old feelin'
Stop actin' like i thought i should
No matter what it did to me
I never did hurt no one
I was happy and had my way
There's such a thing as too much fun
This won't be the price you pay
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while
Never see it comin' til it's goin'
This won't be the price you pay
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while
Never see it comin' til it's goin'
It all happens for a reason even when it's gone
Especially when it's wrong
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I started out today not knowing what to do, but now i know. This song convinced my heart. And my head. It was one of those "Ah, ha" moments. This song was a message and i accept that. Cooked food felt liberating after all of this time. I was enjoying it. It "felt" like flying...but i was falling.
I also had another "Ah, ha" moment when I went to the movies today and got buttered popcorn for the first time in over 3 years. [Buttered movie popcorn was a serious addiction back in the days of weighing 425 lbs.] As i sat down in the movie seat, i was reminded that i now FIT in the chair, and that i used to NOT fit and that if i kept this up, i wouldn't fit again. When i used to eat buttered popcorn, i wasn't TRYING to get fat, just like i'm not now. i was just loving food...too much...to the point that it almost killed me. Am i willing to let that happen to myself again? Just for some good tastes?
Why did i go to OHI? Because i was convinced that if i got OFF of cooked food there would be hope for me. And in fact, over the last 3 years, i've been able to 'miraculously' keep OFF weight... when i NEVER could before. Why? Because i learned moderation? No. I kept it off because i stayed RAW.
I savored the popcorn, because i said to myself, "This is the last cooked meal you're eating." It just all made sense in my heart and in my mind.
All of my problems lately were as a result of eating cooked food. I made peace with it and am now moving on. It was fun while it lasted.
I went to the market and got a ton of greens and am looking forward to more and more green smoothies over the next days.
xoxo michelle joy
I also had another "Ah, ha" moment when I went to the movies today and got buttered popcorn for the first time in over 3 years. [Buttered movie popcorn was a serious addiction back in the days of weighing 425 lbs.] As i sat down in the movie seat, i was reminded that i now FIT in the chair, and that i used to NOT fit and that if i kept this up, i wouldn't fit again. When i used to eat buttered popcorn, i wasn't TRYING to get fat, just like i'm not now. i was just loving food...too much...to the point that it almost killed me. Am i willing to let that happen to myself again? Just for some good tastes?
Why did i go to OHI? Because i was convinced that if i got OFF of cooked food there would be hope for me. And in fact, over the last 3 years, i've been able to 'miraculously' keep OFF weight... when i NEVER could before. Why? Because i learned moderation? No. I kept it off because i stayed RAW.
I savored the popcorn, because i said to myself, "This is the last cooked meal you're eating." It just all made sense in my heart and in my mind.
All of my problems lately were as a result of eating cooked food. I made peace with it and am now moving on. It was fun while it lasted.
I went to the market and got a ton of greens and am looking forward to more and more green smoothies over the next days.
xoxo michelle joy
Letters from me
Hi,
I've not been doing well. It's the dark night of the soul for me. Swimming up steam without a paddle in a river called "De NILE." I'm confused. I'm alot fatter. I'm craving cooked food constantly. I'm, uh, i'm, um, i'm an addict.
I'm so confused. Victoria Boutenko talks about in her book, "12 Steps to Raw," that non-compulsive eaters can have no problem incorporating cooked food into their diets, but that compulsive eaters are best suited by a 100% raw diet. She herself admits to being a compulsive eater, but also now admits to eating cooked vegetables in favor of "a pound of cashews." If Victoria can eat cooked food, why can't i? Well, i guess i can if i want to. I just can't seem to control it. Well, i can't control FOOD in general, but, well, that's my problem.
Below are some recent letters. The first ones are to my friend Valerie who i know from ARnold's Way. We went to the Healthy Eating seminar together the other day. The bottom letter is to Carlene Jones, the leader of www.rawfoodbootcamp.com. She also has a website that is not so strict, www.carlenejones.com. Carlene has lost over 100 lbs eating a high raw diet.
These letters will infuriate some, and make others feel like they are not the only one. They serve to document where i'm at. It's not a nice place to be out of control and confused and craving, but it's worthy of documenting, because I know with certainty that some day i'll look back on this time with gratitude that i am out of the darkness once again.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Valerie, (my friend from Arnold's Way)
Thanks again for inviting me to the talk the other night! I really enjoyed it :-))
I'm not doing well, unfortunately. Monday is an offwork day and these are often binge days. And it has been, binge eating on cooked.
When we talked in the car, i really thought i COULD learn to handle cooked food. My entire history would say that i CANNOT. What would make me think i could unless it was just total and complete denial???
Yes, i binge eat on gourmet raw, too, but at least i was still raw, and always lost the weight on 80-10-10. You were right when you said i was better off before. I WAS.
Even though i was still binge eating, i had a massive degree of control that i have lost by adding in cooked.
Cooked makes me gain weight MUCH faster than raw, and taking off the weight feels hopeless because i'm hooked on the cooked. Whereas before, taking off the weight felt completely hopeFUL because i knew i could always turn to 80-10-10, which i did. In other words, i was managing my weight, at least.
With cooked, i'm not only out of control, i feel hopeless going BACK to raw and my weight is out of control with no hope for the future but to keep gaining.
Well, i know it's alot in my mind that i fear i can't go back to raw. i CAN. And i must.
I weighed myself the other day and i was 283 and now that i have binged last night and today on cooked, i am certain i gained 10 lbs just doing that. i gain weight extremely quickly, especially on cooked, because of the bad salt, the wrong kind, not celtic salt, and because of the bulk that ends up in my gut.
i don't feel particularly BAD energy-wise because of the supplements i am taking, but i am extremely bloated, my legs feel like balloons and i'm fatter than i've been in a long, long time.
Let's support each other and write our food to each other everyday and go back to 100% raw. I don't want to weight 290's. i want to weigh 250's.
And i certainly don't want to weigh 300, which i will weigh if i keep eating cooked because it produces such a terrific denial that i don't even care how fat i'm getting as long as i eat it.
i think often of my story in lisa montgomery's book, "Raw Inspiration," and how i stated i would never go back to cooked and i documented how it used to be for me on cooked. i'm right back there.
Well, at least i haven't eaten meat. But i often ask myself, 'why aren't you eating meat?' What is this terrific self control i have now over meat when i was a meat-a-holic, 10 hamburgers a day. You know why i haven't gone back to meat??? BECAUSE I NEVER STARTED.
I'm not going to learn how to control cooked by eating it. I'm controlling meat because i'm NOT eating it.
I'm an cooked food addict for sure, and i need to get "clean".
I need to go back to 100% raw and also should go NO or LOW SALT and LOW FAT, so i can get this weight off. Some treats (raw pie or something) every once in a while need to be controlled, but it would be nice.
I'll start NOW and write my food to you later tonight.
xoox michelle joy
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Michelle,
I am glad to hear what you have to say because I truly believe that for myself. Raw makes me more normal-ish with food. It closes the door to so many convenient things that just keep going in my mouth. I think that you can become raw again and you will. Hang on to the idea that you want to. I also want to become about 100% raw also and I am doing better. I intend to still allow myself the plain baked potatoe b/c it is an alkaline food. I never say never. There is something in a story in the Big Book that I like much better. It is,"If I am doing the things I am doing today, and if I am thinking the things I am thinking today;I will probably be [Raw] for the rest of my life" So what will those things be for us? Perhaps we need to keep in touch and state our commitment to a raw life each day.Remember to ask our higher power for help and thank him for all the good things we have. Meditate for 5-15 minutes and tell ourselves we are lovable and worth being raw for.
Maybe we need to find passages in raw books that state the benefits of staying raw as we age. Of course, having what we need to have our raw meals, and carrying an avacado when we go out for our salad. Having a Lara bar handy if we might be in a situation where we will be late getting a meal, and maybe trying to stick to eating meals and only a little pick me up if necessary.
I know I am not getting any younger and cancer is rampant and heart attacks and strokes are not uncommon for women. So what better reason to give up cooked? Cooked will lead to processed,processed is full of salt etc and so on. Have a great day. I'm 100% raw so far!
Hugs, Val
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Michelle,
Where have you been? I had an almost perfect day. No peanuts and just for today-no peanuts again. Those peanuts in the shell were my biggest downfall. Thank you God. It was an easy day. It just happened. I guess it helps to talk to you and realize,I DO WANT RECOVERY. I don't have to be carried kicking and screaming to freedom. I can let go and let God. I guess that is what this is. I'm grateful.
Valerie
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Valerie,
So awesome you had such a great day! I know what that feeling is, to just do well effortlessly. I think it is when the mind and heart are one....you were in the zone...it was a case of "let go, let god!" I think when we do let go, and are at peace, he'll carry us!
I was at my mother's all day yesterday and didn't get home until very late. So sorry about not keeping up with writing daily as i had promised. I'm so scattered, trying to figure out what to do with myself and getting caught up in binge eating cooked food repeatedly.
To help myself, I got in contact with a woman who runs an online raw food support club, and she suggested after hearing my story that 100% raw might be best for me, too. Also, my girlfriend who knows my history and what is happening now suggested the same thing. The online program begins next week. I haven't committed to joining yet.
I don't know why i persist in thinking i can eat cooked in moderation. Just this morning i was laying in bed thinking perhaps the best route for me would be green smoothies all day and cooked lentil bean soups at night, as Dr. Joel Fuhrman recommends. i even thought of spending hundreds to go to see him. The last time i did his program, i lost 18 lbs in one week!
When we were in the car talking about wishing to just lose the weight we've gained quickly and then begin a new program, i was really not into that idea because i've seen myself lose quickly and gain it all back quickly so many times during this blog. Yet, the thoughts persist to go on a green smoothie fast to lose all of this 30-40+ lbs.
But is that realistic? Heck, i guess it could be...if i involved God. Or i could just be kidding myself. The truth is, i'm so confused. I don't know what to do.
Why don't i just ask God what HIS will for my diet is?
The way you experienced that effortless effort in doing well again and in not eating roasted peanuts, the same could happen for me, if i just realized i'm heading down the road of destruction, and determined to eat 100% raw again.
The only problem is: for 20 days i ate 100% raw recently, but it was all gourmet raw, and i didn't lose one pound.
Do i go back to 80-10-10??? Do i drink green smoothies all day and count calories? Do i eat gourmet raw moderately? Do i allow myself cooked soups? I lost so much weight doing that. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.
I had chinese food yesterday. 2 veggie spring rolls and veggie lomein. Before that, i ended up at the market with a small container of pasta salad and a peice of bread pudding. M&Ms at my moms house and a stolen peice of pizza and tastycakes from her fridge.
I mean, i KNOW what i'm doing is BAD and that i'm getting fatter and fatter, yet something in me still WANTS it and LOVES it. I guess THAT's the addiction. There is also something in me that wants to get back on track very much.
I know my body wants a green smoothie this morning for sure. What comes after that, i'm not sure! I'll try to stay in tune with myself...ask God to lead me.
I'll let you know how today goes. I'll try to keep in touch more regularly.
xoxo michelle joy
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
UPDATE: I just weighed myself. I weigh in the high 280's. That's frightening, but i have to remember that's not even the heaviest i've ever gotten over these 3 years raw. Before I discovered 80-10-10, i actually once got up to 299.5 binge eating on gourmet raw. So, i need to cut myself a break and just MOVE ON.
But the truth of the matter is...i was actually doing BETTER when i discovered 80-10-10, for although it made my binge eating exacerbate, i was also BETTER in control of my WEIGHT.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
To Carlene of http://www.carlenejones.com/
Hi Carlene,
I was on the bootcamp program last year for a short time and need to join another program with you. I'm hoping you could help me figure out what might work the best for me.
Just a little history.
I was raw for 3 years and lost 175 lbs from a high of 425 to 250 lbs. I have binge eating disorder, so i would binge often on gourmet raw, but used "80-10-10" to manage my weight. Despite the binge eating, this actually "worked" to keep my weight in check. When it would go up substantially, i'd 80-10-10 until i got down again. And this cycle went on and on. At the time, i thought this was bad.
Unfortunately, things have gotten worse. In Semptember, i started to eat beans. Then beans turned to fries. Fries turned to pizza. Pizza turned to 2 pizzas. You get the point. It is now January, and, thank god i haven't gone back to meat, i've stuck to vegetarian, but i've gained back 40 lbs.
Cooked food packs on much more weight much faster than gourmet raw even. What's worse, after eating cooked, it's not so easy to just do 80-10-10 to take the weight off, now that i'm HOOKED on cooked. To make it through one day just raw has been hard.
My problem is this: i'd like to get back to 100% raw simply because i think it FUNCTIONED best for me in controlling food and in controlling my weight, although i hadn't taken my weight loss to the next level, at least i MANAGED it. Of course, i'd like to lose the rest of my weight. But if i never learn to control my binge eating, that won't happen. Certainly, i'd like to overcome my binge eating, but every book i read says you have to eat cooked to do that and i've been trying, and it's NOT working for me.
I NEED to get back on track. I refuse to gain back everything i lost, just to taste something good. Would one of your programs address my issues better than another? I'm thinking one of your new programs would be good where i eat all raw low fat no salt, but then allow myself some treats (gourmet raw) from time to time.
I'd really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I'll join a program TODAY if i can.
Desperately,
Michelle
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Michelle,
I think since you do know how to manage your weight and be happy on raw, that you should stay raw. Every now and then a planned treat is fine, even choosing to maintain your weight for a weekend, vacation, or holiday is fine, as long as you are able to return to your normal way of eating. So normal should be about 1800 raw calories a day with no more than 30% fat and very little sodium. Diet mode of course is less than that. As for binge eating, it is a behavior that has to be dealt with and controlled. That doesn't happen overnight. It may take you years to learn to ignore the need to binge, but unlike boot camp and the all or nothing mindset, it is probably better for you to find a food plan that works for you completely. Lose the weight a tad slower, but with things that will satisfy and not cause binges. That is what Finding Your Perfect Diet is. It is about finding you..LaSaprano's, perfect diet. Not mine, not OTH (was that what it was called?) or even a typical Raw Foodists idea. It needs to be what works for you. You need to feel what you are eating sustains you physically and emotionally. You have been dealing with raw for a long time, so it probably is part of who you are.
We start a new Finding Your Perfect Diet program next Monday. Join us, you can be raw and I will give you the choice to start out at 1500-1700 raw calories as long as the fat% stays below 30% which is the US RDA. That gives you some nuts, but not a lot. Maybe that will help you find balance that will prevent the need for binges that stem from just wanting to eat. Emotional eating is a whole other issue, but lets get the perfect diet down, and then see how you deal with it.
There are some great women in the program right now. Not many doing 100% raw, but I think you will like them anyway. The new program is not about being a raw foodist, it is about beating obesity with whatever method (except fasting and liquid diets or drugs) that will work for you for life.
Sign up at www.carlenejones.com/app1.php Use a new username and password.
See you Monday.
Carlene
x0x0x0x0 michelle joy
I've not been doing well. It's the dark night of the soul for me. Swimming up steam without a paddle in a river called "De NILE." I'm confused. I'm alot fatter. I'm craving cooked food constantly. I'm, uh, i'm, um, i'm an addict.
I'm so confused. Victoria Boutenko talks about in her book, "12 Steps to Raw," that non-compulsive eaters can have no problem incorporating cooked food into their diets, but that compulsive eaters are best suited by a 100% raw diet. She herself admits to being a compulsive eater, but also now admits to eating cooked vegetables in favor of "a pound of cashews." If Victoria can eat cooked food, why can't i? Well, i guess i can if i want to. I just can't seem to control it. Well, i can't control FOOD in general, but, well, that's my problem.
Below are some recent letters. The first ones are to my friend Valerie who i know from ARnold's Way. We went to the Healthy Eating seminar together the other day. The bottom letter is to Carlene Jones, the leader of www.rawfoodbootcamp.com. She also has a website that is not so strict, www.carlenejones.com. Carlene has lost over 100 lbs eating a high raw diet.
These letters will infuriate some, and make others feel like they are not the only one. They serve to document where i'm at. It's not a nice place to be out of control and confused and craving, but it's worthy of documenting, because I know with certainty that some day i'll look back on this time with gratitude that i am out of the darkness once again.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Valerie, (my friend from Arnold's Way)
Thanks again for inviting me to the talk the other night! I really enjoyed it :-))
I'm not doing well, unfortunately. Monday is an offwork day and these are often binge days. And it has been, binge eating on cooked.
When we talked in the car, i really thought i COULD learn to handle cooked food. My entire history would say that i CANNOT. What would make me think i could unless it was just total and complete denial???
Yes, i binge eat on gourmet raw, too, but at least i was still raw, and always lost the weight on 80-10-10. You were right when you said i was better off before. I WAS.
Even though i was still binge eating, i had a massive degree of control that i have lost by adding in cooked.
Cooked makes me gain weight MUCH faster than raw, and taking off the weight feels hopeless because i'm hooked on the cooked. Whereas before, taking off the weight felt completely hopeFUL because i knew i could always turn to 80-10-10, which i did. In other words, i was managing my weight, at least.
With cooked, i'm not only out of control, i feel hopeless going BACK to raw and my weight is out of control with no hope for the future but to keep gaining.
Well, i know it's alot in my mind that i fear i can't go back to raw. i CAN. And i must.
I weighed myself the other day and i was 283 and now that i have binged last night and today on cooked, i am certain i gained 10 lbs just doing that. i gain weight extremely quickly, especially on cooked, because of the bad salt, the wrong kind, not celtic salt, and because of the bulk that ends up in my gut.
i don't feel particularly BAD energy-wise because of the supplements i am taking, but i am extremely bloated, my legs feel like balloons and i'm fatter than i've been in a long, long time.
Let's support each other and write our food to each other everyday and go back to 100% raw. I don't want to weight 290's. i want to weigh 250's.
And i certainly don't want to weigh 300, which i will weigh if i keep eating cooked because it produces such a terrific denial that i don't even care how fat i'm getting as long as i eat it.
i think often of my story in lisa montgomery's book, "Raw Inspiration," and how i stated i would never go back to cooked and i documented how it used to be for me on cooked. i'm right back there.
Well, at least i haven't eaten meat. But i often ask myself, 'why aren't you eating meat?' What is this terrific self control i have now over meat when i was a meat-a-holic, 10 hamburgers a day. You know why i haven't gone back to meat??? BECAUSE I NEVER STARTED.
I'm not going to learn how to control cooked by eating it. I'm controlling meat because i'm NOT eating it.
I'm an cooked food addict for sure, and i need to get "clean".
I need to go back to 100% raw and also should go NO or LOW SALT and LOW FAT, so i can get this weight off. Some treats (raw pie or something) every once in a while need to be controlled, but it would be nice.
I'll start NOW and write my food to you later tonight.
xoox michelle joy
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Michelle,
I am glad to hear what you have to say because I truly believe that for myself. Raw makes me more normal-ish with food. It closes the door to so many convenient things that just keep going in my mouth. I think that you can become raw again and you will. Hang on to the idea that you want to. I also want to become about 100% raw also and I am doing better. I intend to still allow myself the plain baked potatoe b/c it is an alkaline food. I never say never. There is something in a story in the Big Book that I like much better. It is,"If I am doing the things I am doing today, and if I am thinking the things I am thinking today;I will probably be [Raw] for the rest of my life" So what will those things be for us? Perhaps we need to keep in touch and state our commitment to a raw life each day.Remember to ask our higher power for help and thank him for all the good things we have. Meditate for 5-15 minutes and tell ourselves we are lovable and worth being raw for.
Maybe we need to find passages in raw books that state the benefits of staying raw as we age. Of course, having what we need to have our raw meals, and carrying an avacado when we go out for our salad. Having a Lara bar handy if we might be in a situation where we will be late getting a meal, and maybe trying to stick to eating meals and only a little pick me up if necessary.
I know I am not getting any younger and cancer is rampant and heart attacks and strokes are not uncommon for women. So what better reason to give up cooked? Cooked will lead to processed,processed is full of salt etc and so on. Have a great day. I'm 100% raw so far!
Hugs, Val
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Michelle,
Where have you been? I had an almost perfect day. No peanuts and just for today-no peanuts again. Those peanuts in the shell were my biggest downfall. Thank you God. It was an easy day. It just happened. I guess it helps to talk to you and realize,I DO WANT RECOVERY. I don't have to be carried kicking and screaming to freedom. I can let go and let God. I guess that is what this is. I'm grateful.
Valerie
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Valerie,
So awesome you had such a great day! I know what that feeling is, to just do well effortlessly. I think it is when the mind and heart are one....you were in the zone...it was a case of "let go, let god!" I think when we do let go, and are at peace, he'll carry us!
I was at my mother's all day yesterday and didn't get home until very late. So sorry about not keeping up with writing daily as i had promised. I'm so scattered, trying to figure out what to do with myself and getting caught up in binge eating cooked food repeatedly.
To help myself, I got in contact with a woman who runs an online raw food support club, and she suggested after hearing my story that 100% raw might be best for me, too. Also, my girlfriend who knows my history and what is happening now suggested the same thing. The online program begins next week. I haven't committed to joining yet.
I don't know why i persist in thinking i can eat cooked in moderation. Just this morning i was laying in bed thinking perhaps the best route for me would be green smoothies all day and cooked lentil bean soups at night, as Dr. Joel Fuhrman recommends. i even thought of spending hundreds to go to see him. The last time i did his program, i lost 18 lbs in one week!
When we were in the car talking about wishing to just lose the weight we've gained quickly and then begin a new program, i was really not into that idea because i've seen myself lose quickly and gain it all back quickly so many times during this blog. Yet, the thoughts persist to go on a green smoothie fast to lose all of this 30-40+ lbs.
But is that realistic? Heck, i guess it could be...if i involved God. Or i could just be kidding myself. The truth is, i'm so confused. I don't know what to do.
Why don't i just ask God what HIS will for my diet is?
The way you experienced that effortless effort in doing well again and in not eating roasted peanuts, the same could happen for me, if i just realized i'm heading down the road of destruction, and determined to eat 100% raw again.
The only problem is: for 20 days i ate 100% raw recently, but it was all gourmet raw, and i didn't lose one pound.
Do i go back to 80-10-10??? Do i drink green smoothies all day and count calories? Do i eat gourmet raw moderately? Do i allow myself cooked soups? I lost so much weight doing that. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.
I had chinese food yesterday. 2 veggie spring rolls and veggie lomein. Before that, i ended up at the market with a small container of pasta salad and a peice of bread pudding. M&Ms at my moms house and a stolen peice of pizza and tastycakes from her fridge.
I mean, i KNOW what i'm doing is BAD and that i'm getting fatter and fatter, yet something in me still WANTS it and LOVES it. I guess THAT's the addiction. There is also something in me that wants to get back on track very much.
I know my body wants a green smoothie this morning for sure. What comes after that, i'm not sure! I'll try to stay in tune with myself...ask God to lead me.
I'll let you know how today goes. I'll try to keep in touch more regularly.
xoxo michelle joy
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
UPDATE: I just weighed myself. I weigh in the high 280's. That's frightening, but i have to remember that's not even the heaviest i've ever gotten over these 3 years raw. Before I discovered 80-10-10, i actually once got up to 299.5 binge eating on gourmet raw. So, i need to cut myself a break and just MOVE ON.
But the truth of the matter is...i was actually doing BETTER when i discovered 80-10-10, for although it made my binge eating exacerbate, i was also BETTER in control of my WEIGHT.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
To Carlene of http://www.carlenejones.com/
Hi Carlene,
I was on the bootcamp program last year for a short time and need to join another program with you. I'm hoping you could help me figure out what might work the best for me.
Just a little history.
I was raw for 3 years and lost 175 lbs from a high of 425 to 250 lbs. I have binge eating disorder, so i would binge often on gourmet raw, but used "80-10-10" to manage my weight. Despite the binge eating, this actually "worked" to keep my weight in check. When it would go up substantially, i'd 80-10-10 until i got down again. And this cycle went on and on. At the time, i thought this was bad.
Unfortunately, things have gotten worse. In Semptember, i started to eat beans. Then beans turned to fries. Fries turned to pizza. Pizza turned to 2 pizzas. You get the point. It is now January, and, thank god i haven't gone back to meat, i've stuck to vegetarian, but i've gained back 40 lbs.
Cooked food packs on much more weight much faster than gourmet raw even. What's worse, after eating cooked, it's not so easy to just do 80-10-10 to take the weight off, now that i'm HOOKED on cooked. To make it through one day just raw has been hard.
My problem is this: i'd like to get back to 100% raw simply because i think it FUNCTIONED best for me in controlling food and in controlling my weight, although i hadn't taken my weight loss to the next level, at least i MANAGED it. Of course, i'd like to lose the rest of my weight. But if i never learn to control my binge eating, that won't happen. Certainly, i'd like to overcome my binge eating, but every book i read says you have to eat cooked to do that and i've been trying, and it's NOT working for me.
I NEED to get back on track. I refuse to gain back everything i lost, just to taste something good. Would one of your programs address my issues better than another? I'm thinking one of your new programs would be good where i eat all raw low fat no salt, but then allow myself some treats (gourmet raw) from time to time.
I'd really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I'll join a program TODAY if i can.
Desperately,
Michelle
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hi Michelle,
I think since you do know how to manage your weight and be happy on raw, that you should stay raw. Every now and then a planned treat is fine, even choosing to maintain your weight for a weekend, vacation, or holiday is fine, as long as you are able to return to your normal way of eating. So normal should be about 1800 raw calories a day with no more than 30% fat and very little sodium. Diet mode of course is less than that. As for binge eating, it is a behavior that has to be dealt with and controlled. That doesn't happen overnight. It may take you years to learn to ignore the need to binge, but unlike boot camp and the all or nothing mindset, it is probably better for you to find a food plan that works for you completely. Lose the weight a tad slower, but with things that will satisfy and not cause binges. That is what Finding Your Perfect Diet is. It is about finding you..LaSaprano's, perfect diet. Not mine, not OTH (was that what it was called?) or even a typical Raw Foodists idea. It needs to be what works for you. You need to feel what you are eating sustains you physically and emotionally. You have been dealing with raw for a long time, so it probably is part of who you are.
We start a new Finding Your Perfect Diet program next Monday. Join us, you can be raw and I will give you the choice to start out at 1500-1700 raw calories as long as the fat% stays below 30% which is the US RDA. That gives you some nuts, but not a lot. Maybe that will help you find balance that will prevent the need for binges that stem from just wanting to eat. Emotional eating is a whole other issue, but lets get the perfect diet down, and then see how you deal with it.
There are some great women in the program right now. Not many doing 100% raw, but I think you will like them anyway. The new program is not about being a raw foodist, it is about beating obesity with whatever method (except fasting and liquid diets or drugs) that will work for you for life.
Sign up at www.carlenejones.com/app1.php Use a new username and password.
See you Monday.
Carlene
x0x0x0x0 michelle joy
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