Fallin' Feels like Flyin'

Well, i talked to God and this is what he told me - I've been deluding myself. I've been havin' a good old time, "feeling like i'm flying...when i'm really falling." I heard this song on Public Radio on an interview about Jeff Bridges' new movie, and it really struck me to the core.

FALLIN' FEELS LIKE FLYING
from the movie "Crazy Heart" with Jeff Bridges
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkMDJuKeix0

I was goin' where i shouldn't go...
and seein' whom i shouldn't see...
doin' what i shouldn't do...
and meetin' who i shouldn't meet.

A little voice told me it's all wrong
Another voice told me it's alright
I used to think that i was strong

until lately that it's hard to fight

It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while

It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin' if only for a little while

I got tired of bein' good
I started missin' that old feelin'
Stop actin' like i thought i should
No matter what it did to me

I never did hurt no one
I was happy and had my way

There's such a thing as too much fun
This won't be the price you pay

It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while
It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin', for a little while

Never see it comin' til it's goin'

It all happens for a reason even when it's gone

Especially when it's wrong

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I started out today not knowing what to do, but now i know. This song convinced my heart. And my head. It was one of those "Ah, ha" moments. This song was a message and i accept that. Cooked food felt liberating after all of this time. I was enjoying it. It "felt" like flying...but i was falling.

I also had another "Ah, ha" moment when I went to the movies today and got buttered popcorn for the first time in over 3 years. [Buttered movie popcorn was a serious addiction back in the days of weighing 425 lbs.] As i sat down in the movie seat, i was reminded that i now FIT in the chair, and that i used to NOT fit and that if i kept this up, i wouldn't fit again. When i used to eat buttered popcorn, i wasn't TRYING to get fat, just like i'm not now. i was just loving food...too much...to the point that it almost killed me. Am i willing to let that happen to myself again? Just for some good tastes?

Why did i go to OHI? Because i was convinced that if i got OFF of cooked food there would be hope for me. And in fact, over the last 3 years, i've been able to 'miraculously' keep OFF weight... when i NEVER could before. Why? Because i learned moderation? No. I kept it off because i stayed RAW.

I savored the popcorn, because i said to myself, "This is the last cooked meal you're eating." It just all made sense in my heart and in my mind.

All of my problems lately were as a result of eating cooked food. I made peace with it and am now moving on. It was fun while it lasted.

I went to the market and got a ton of greens and am looking forward to more and more green smoothies over the next days.

xoxo michelle joy

Letters from me

Hi,

I've not been doing well. It's the dark night of the soul for me. Swimming up steam without a paddle in a river called "De NILE." I'm confused. I'm alot fatter. I'm craving cooked food constantly. I'm, uh, i'm, um, i'm an addict.

I'm so confused. Victoria Boutenko talks about in her book, "12 Steps to Raw," that non-compulsive eaters can have no problem incorporating cooked food into their diets, but that compulsive eaters are best suited by a 100% raw diet. She herself admits to being a compulsive eater, but also now admits to eating cooked vegetables in favor of "a pound of cashews." If Victoria can eat cooked food, why can't i? Well, i guess i can if i want to. I just can't seem to control it. Well, i can't control FOOD in general, but, well, that's my problem.

Below are some recent letters. The first ones are to my friend Valerie who i know from ARnold's Way. We went to the Healthy Eating seminar together the other day. The bottom letter is to Carlene Jones, the leader of www.rawfoodbootcamp.com. She also has a website that is not so strict, www.carlenejones.com. Carlene has lost over 100 lbs eating a high raw diet.

These letters will infuriate some, and make others feel like they are not the only one. They serve to document where i'm at. It's not a nice place to be out of control and confused and craving, but it's worthy of documenting, because I know with certainty that some day i'll look back on this time with gratitude that i am out of the darkness once again.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hi Valerie, (my friend from Arnold's Way)

Thanks again for inviting me to the talk the other night! I really enjoyed it :-))

I'm not doing well, unfortunately. Monday is an offwork day and these are often binge days. And it has been, binge eating on cooked.

When we talked in the car, i really thought i COULD learn to handle cooked food. My entire history would say that i CANNOT. What would make me think i could unless it was just total and complete denial???

Yes, i binge eat on gourmet raw, too, but at least i was still raw, and always lost the weight on 80-10-10. You were right when you said i was better off before. I WAS.

Even though i was still binge eating, i had a massive degree of control that i have lost by adding in cooked.

Cooked makes me gain weight MUCH faster than raw, and taking off the weight feels hopeless because i'm hooked on the cooked. Whereas before, taking off the weight felt completely hopeFUL because i knew i could always turn to 80-10-10, which i did. In other words, i was managing my weight, at least.

With cooked, i'm not only out of control, i feel hopeless going BACK to raw and my weight is out of control with no hope for the future but to keep gaining.

Well, i know it's alot in my mind that i fear i can't go back to raw. i CAN. And i must.

I weighed myself the other day and i was 283 and now that i have binged last night and today on cooked, i am certain i gained 10 lbs just doing that. i gain weight extremely quickly, especially on cooked, because of the bad salt, the wrong kind, not celtic salt, and because of the bulk that ends up in my gut.

i don't feel particularly BAD energy-wise because of the supplements i am taking, but i am extremely bloated, my legs feel like balloons and i'm fatter than i've been in a long, long time.

Let's support each other and write our food to each other everyday and go back to 100% raw. I don't want to weight 290's. i want to weigh 250's.

And i certainly don't want to weigh 300, which i will weigh if i keep eating cooked because it produces such a terrific denial that i don't even care how fat i'm getting as long as i eat it.

i think often of my story in lisa montgomery's book, "Raw Inspiration," and how i stated i would never go back to cooked and i documented how it used to be for me on cooked. i'm right back there.

Well, at least i haven't eaten meat. But i often ask myself, 'why aren't you eating meat?' What is this terrific self control i have now over meat when i was a meat-a-holic, 10 hamburgers a day. You know why i haven't gone back to meat??? BECAUSE I NEVER STARTED.

I'm not going to learn how to control cooked by eating it. I'm controlling meat because i'm NOT eating it.

I'm an cooked food addict for sure, and i need to get "clean".

I need to go back to 100% raw and also should go NO or LOW SALT and LOW FAT, so i can get this weight off. Some treats (raw pie or something) every once in a while need to be controlled, but it would be nice.

I'll start NOW and write my food to you later tonight.

xoox michelle joy

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Hi Michelle,

I am glad to hear what you have to say because I truly believe that for myself. Raw makes me more normal-ish with food. It closes the door to so many convenient things that just keep going in my mouth. I think that you can become raw again and you will. Hang on to the idea that you want to. I also want to become about 100% raw also and I am doing better. I intend to still allow myself the plain baked potatoe b/c it is an alkaline food. I never say never. There is something in a story in the Big Book that I like much better. It is,"If I am doing the things I am doing today, and if I am thinking the things I am thinking today;I will probably be [Raw] for the rest of my life" So what will those things be for us? Perhaps we need to keep in touch and state our commitment to a raw life each day.Remember to ask our higher power for help and thank him for all the good things we have. Meditate for 5-15 minutes and tell ourselves we are lovable and worth being raw for.

Maybe we need to find passages in raw books that state the benefits of staying raw as we age. Of course, having what we need to have our raw meals, and carrying an avacado when we go out for our salad. Having a Lara bar handy if we might be in a situation where we will be late getting a meal, and maybe trying to stick to eating meals and only a little pick me up if necessary.

I know I am not getting any younger and cancer is rampant and heart attacks and strokes are not uncommon for women. So what better reason to give up cooked? Cooked will lead to processed,processed is full of salt etc and so on. Have a great day. I'm 100% raw so far!

Hugs, Val

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Hi Michelle,

Where have you been? I had an almost perfect day. No peanuts and just for today-no peanuts again. Those peanuts in the shell were my biggest downfall. Thank you God. It was an easy day. It just happened. I guess it helps to talk to you and realize,I DO WANT RECOVERY. I don't have to be carried kicking and screaming to freedom. I can let go and let God. I guess that is what this is. I'm grateful.

Valerie

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Hi Valerie,

So awesome you had such a great day! I know what that feeling is, to just do well effortlessly. I think it is when the mind and heart are one....you were in the zone...it was a case of "let go, let god!" I think when we do let go, and are at peace, he'll carry us!

I was at my mother's all day yesterday and didn't get home until very late. So sorry about not keeping up with writing daily as i had promised. I'm so scattered, trying to figure out what to do with myself and getting caught up in binge eating cooked food repeatedly.

To help myself, I got in contact with a woman who runs an online raw food support club, and she suggested after hearing my story that 100% raw might be best for me, too. Also, my girlfriend who knows my history and what is happening now suggested the same thing. The online program begins next week. I haven't committed to joining yet.

I don't know why i persist in thinking i can eat cooked in moderation. Just this morning i was laying in bed thinking perhaps the best route for me would be green smoothies all day and cooked lentil bean soups at night, as Dr. Joel Fuhrman recommends. i even thought of spending hundreds to go to see him. The last time i did his program, i lost 18 lbs in one week!

When we were in the car talking about wishing to just lose the weight we've gained quickly and then begin a new program, i was really not into that idea because i've seen myself lose quickly and gain it all back quickly so many times during this blog. Yet, the thoughts persist to go on a green smoothie fast to lose all of this 30-40+ lbs.

But is that realistic? Heck, i guess it could be...if i involved God. Or i could just be kidding myself. The truth is, i'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Why don't i just ask God what HIS will for my diet is?

The way you experienced that effortless effort in doing well again and in not eating roasted peanuts, the same could happen for me, if i just realized i'm heading down the road of destruction, and determined to eat 100% raw again.

The only problem is: for 20 days i ate 100% raw recently, but it was all gourmet raw, and i didn't lose one pound.

Do i go back to 80-10-10??? Do i drink green smoothies all day and count calories? Do i eat gourmet raw moderately? Do i allow myself cooked soups? I lost so much weight doing that. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

I had chinese food yesterday. 2 veggie spring rolls and veggie lomein. Before that, i ended up at the market with a small container of pasta salad and a peice of bread pudding. M&Ms at my moms house and a stolen peice of pizza and tastycakes from her fridge.

I mean, i KNOW what i'm doing is BAD and that i'm getting fatter and fatter, yet something in me still WANTS it and LOVES it. I guess THAT's the addiction. There is also something in me that wants to get back on track very much.

I know my body wants a green smoothie this morning for sure. What comes after that, i'm not sure! I'll try to stay in tune with myself...ask God to lead me.

I'll let you know how today goes. I'll try to keep in touch more regularly.

xoxo michelle joy

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UPDATE: I just weighed myself. I weigh in the high 280's. That's frightening, but i have to remember that's not even the heaviest i've ever gotten over these 3 years raw. Before I discovered 80-10-10, i actually once got up to 299.5 binge eating on gourmet raw. So, i need to cut myself a break and just MOVE ON.

But the truth of the matter is...i was actually doing BETTER when i discovered 80-10-10, for although it made my binge eating exacerbate, i was also BETTER in control of my WEIGHT.

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To Carlene of http://www.carlenejones.com/

Hi Carlene,

I was on the bootcamp program last year for a short time and need to join another program with you. I'm hoping you could help me figure out what might work the best for me.

Just a little history.

I was raw for 3 years and lost 175 lbs from a high of 425 to 250 lbs. I have binge eating disorder, so i would binge often on gourmet raw, but used "80-10-10" to manage my weight. Despite the binge eating, this actually "worked" to keep my weight in check. When it would go up substantially, i'd 80-10-10 until i got down again. And this cycle went on and on. At the time, i thought this was bad.

Unfortunately, things have gotten worse. In Semptember, i started to eat beans. Then beans turned to fries. Fries turned to pizza. Pizza turned to 2 pizzas. You get the point. It is now January, and, thank god i haven't gone back to meat, i've stuck to vegetarian, but i've gained back 40 lbs.

Cooked food packs on much more weight much faster than gourmet raw even. What's worse, after eating cooked, it's not so easy to just do 80-10-10 to take the weight off, now that i'm HOOKED on cooked. To make it through one day just raw has been hard.

My problem is this: i'd like to get back to 100% raw simply because i think it FUNCTIONED best for me in controlling food and in controlling my weight, although i hadn't taken my weight loss to the next level, at least i MANAGED it. Of course, i'd like to lose the rest of my weight. But if i never learn to control my binge eating, that won't happen. Certainly, i'd like to overcome my binge eating, but every book i read says you have to eat cooked to do that and i've been trying, and it's NOT working for me.

I NEED to get back on track. I refuse to gain back everything i lost, just to taste something good. Would one of your programs address my issues better than another? I'm thinking one of your new programs would be good where i eat all raw low fat no salt, but then allow myself some treats (gourmet raw) from time to time.

I'd really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I'll join a program TODAY if i can.

Desperately,
Michelle

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Hi Michelle,

I think since you do know how to manage your weight and be happy on raw, that you should stay raw. Every now and then a planned treat is fine, even choosing to maintain your weight for a weekend, vacation, or holiday is fine, as long as you are able to return to your normal way of eating. So normal should be about 1800 raw calories a day with no more than 30% fat and very little sodium. Diet mode of course is less than that. As for binge eating, it is a behavior that has to be dealt with and controlled. That doesn't happen overnight. It may take you years to learn to ignore the need to binge, but unlike boot camp and the all or nothing mindset, it is probably better for you to find a food plan that works for you completely. Lose the weight a tad slower, but with things that will satisfy and not cause binges. That is what Finding Your Perfect Diet is. It is about finding you..LaSaprano's, perfect diet. Not mine, not OTH (was that what it was called?) or even a typical Raw Foodists idea. It needs to be what works for you. You need to feel what you are eating sustains you physically and emotionally. You have been dealing with raw for a long time, so it probably is part of who you are.

We start a new Finding Your Perfect Diet program next Monday. Join us, you can be raw and I will give you the choice to start out at 1500-1700 raw calories as long as the fat% stays below 30% which is the US RDA. That gives you some nuts, but not a lot. Maybe that will help you find balance that will prevent the need for binges that stem from just wanting to eat. Emotional eating is a whole other issue, but lets get the perfect diet down, and then see how you deal with it.

There are some great women in the program right now. Not many doing 100% raw, but I think you will like them anyway. The new program is not about being a raw foodist, it is about beating obesity with whatever method (except fasting and liquid diets or drugs) that will work for you for life.

Sign up at www.carlenejones.com/app1.php Use a new username and password.

See you Monday.

Carlene


x0x0x0x0 michelle joy

"Embrace Health 2010" Meeting in Glenside, PA with Patti & Tom Lombardi

I was invited to a very nice talk in Glenside, PA, last night given by Patti "the Veggie Coach" and Tom Lombardi, called "Embrace Health 2010." In about a week, their website http://www.embracehealth2010.com/ will be operational. I'm looking forward to that.

The topic of the evening was embracing a WHOLE FOODS DIET. This was a general audience, yet much ado was made of the RAW VEGAN DIET, citing how healthy and beneficial it is. Patti and Tom have visited the cafe' where I am one of the chefs, Arnold's Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe', and spoke of Arnold many times in this talk. Patti and Tom are not raw foodists, yet they eat a high degree of raw in their diet and eat minimal processed foods. They shop the outer isles of the market!


Patti, known as "The Veggie Coach" spoke of the many benefits of eating raw greens, the dangers of processed foods, and the importance of mindful eating, as well as her family's diet history. Patti and Tom's family went from eating a fast food diet to a WHOLE FOODS diet with barely any processed foods. They all feel so much better.







Tom Lombardi spoke of losing our judgement about food, entering into a state of CURIOSITY about how we feel, how what we eat affects us, trying new ways of being, really pushing the limit in 2010 and changing our diets in the extreme. Tom mentioned many times OBSERVING ourselves as one of the number one keys to changing. By just WATCHING what we do..and taking internal notes...the spirit and the body will guide!




Books compatible with the raw vegan diet, the vegan and vegetarian diet were on display. Tom and Patti mentioned that the WHOLE FOODS DIET is what they are ALL based on. It just makes GOOD sense. I don't know if Patti and Tom eat meat, but they talked extensively about how giving up dairy impacted their lives in the positive. Tom's running went into high geer as soon as he gave up dairy. Suddenly, he had abounding energy! The bulk of their family diet is made up of greens, veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds.



All participants were asked to bring a bag of chopped veggies for our homemade "salad bar." It was quite lovely!













"What are you looking for?" was asked. The answers sound like what EVERYONE wants: Energy, support, weightloss, trustworthy info, a healthier lifestyle, less stress, eating consciously, and a healthier family!







Processed Foods are lacking nutrition and enzymes, the body can't process them, they add toxins to the system, and lack substance.

Plant-based foods, however, fill us with chlorophyl, nutrition, fiber, water, protein. We get it ALL from plants...just like many animals do!












A nice crowd enjoyed the talk...and the salad! Here are some of the participants chatting at the end of the session.








For dessert, we all enjoyed clementines eaten "consciously," using all of the senses. We took time eating the fruit - Paid attention to the wonderful perfume spritzing off of the peel and how the peel felt against our skin - Enjoyed the vibrant orange color of the peel - Felt the squirt of the juice as our teeth bit down on one section. MMmmmm... Mindful eating is something i will be focusing on.

More on that later....

xoxox michelle joy

Effortless Effort!

It's been a wonderful two days....! I don't quite know how they happened. They just did.

On Friday, Cliff drove me to work as it had snowed. We had shared raw breakfast, and then at work, i was busy and occupied and really peaceful and happy and not thinking about or obsessing over food for most of the day. It felt like a burden had been lifted. I don't quite know WHY or HOW that happened. It just did. I enjoyed raw meals in the raw kitchen at Arnolds Way, where i work.

Friday evening, Cliff picked me up from work. We shared raw dinner together and watched a movie together, and i had no compulsive feelings for food that evening. Lovely togetherness may be helping things, too, i suppose!

Cliff has been doing so well with raw the last few days. He's lost 7 lbs overall and is wonderfully supportive and committed to eating mostly raw. It's been cradling for me. Thank you, my darling.

Today, my honey and I were a terrific duo once again. We spent almost the entire day with each other, and it was so wonderful. It was a mostly raw day.

Here's my food report from today:

Br: Green Smoothie: green leaf lettuce, banana, apple, agave, water

Lu: Raw Car Picnic: mixed raw plate in the car in South Philly made from Igloo contents -
-slice of carrot 'living bread' slathered with 1/2 avo with celtic salt, lime, garlic
-1/4 of a tomato
-cabbage slaw
-marinated mushrooms
-1 of my world famous chocolate bliss balls.

Cliff and I eating together in the car is such a delight. I thoroughly enjoyed this meal and did not feel compulsive in the least!

DRINK: cup of cammomile tea with honey* (not raw honey) in South Philly at a sweet coffee shop full of characters

DRINK: cup of earl grey with honey* (not raw honey) in an area near 5th & Girard called "The Piazza" in Northern Liberties section of Phila.

Sn: leftover green smoothie. Felt hungry.

Dinner: Felt hungry! Mixed raw plate, our favorite kinds of meals these days -
-slice of carrot 'living bread' with the same mixture (avo, lime, salt, tomato)
-marinated mushrooms
-plop of zucchini spaghetti with delicious raw tomato sauce
-cabbage slaw
-my own homemade sauerkraut
-few dehydrated zuchhini bites (zucchini, tomato, italian cashew 'cheeze')
-chocolate hemp milk* (not raw)

Dinner was such a delight. I was hungry! But i restrained myself from picking preparing our dinner plates. Eating while hungry felt so TRUE and REAL. It was hard to restrain myself prior to sitting down, but i did it and felt empowered.

I insisted Cliff turn off the computer so we could share a dinner together. So much of the wonderful feelings these past two days was shared between the two of us. Why shouldn't we continue this onto meals at home and actually eat TOGETHER, sitting at the table, without distractions? What made lunch so special in the car was the togetherness, and how eating raw until satisfied makes you feel pleasantly full, energized and ready to go out and have fun, instead of feeling weighted down and tired and compulsive. It was so lovely. We're so in love these past two days.

We are not regular prayers, but spontaneously I said a prayer before eating, which Cliff finished, thanking God for the raw food and asking for his support for our diet and our love, which made the meal feel special and sanctified. All meals should be so.

We ate at the dining room table and chatted, and it felt so wonderful and like a BALM for eliminating compulsive eating - actually connecting with my honey during a meal, instead of feeding my face in secret, and connecting to a higher power, and staying attuned to my feelings of hunger/fullness/satiety/satisfaction....were all practices in CONSCIOUS EATING. And it felt good!!!!

The dinner plate also included such wonderful tastes, salty, sweet, sour. We both expressed feeling so satisfied and missing nothing on our plates.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Tonight I went to a healthy eating meeting that a friend of mine from Arnold's Way invited me to. We were all asked to bring a small bag of fresh cut veggies to create a giant salad for the group to share, and we all enoyed a lovely talk on the benefits of greens, of veganism, and the dangers of processed food. We had time for sharing and I had some wonderfully supportive sharing with my friend, Valerie, who suggested i go to the meeting with her.

I'll tell you about it more tomorrow.

Sn: at the health talk - plate of cucumber, cherry tomato, carrot, almonds, sunflower seeds. Not hungry, but decided to eat.

DRINK: Hot chocolate with my honey made from hemp milk, raw cacao, agave and some regular milk * (not raw) Not hungry, but desirous of something creamy and comforting and warming.

I'm going to be working on mindful eating more than anything else. I'm becoming more and more and more convinced that THIS will lead me to stopping binge eating. If i eat cooked or if i eat raw, i don't really much mind, as long as i stop binge eating! How this will all form remains to be seen. I felt delighted with the way today turned out!

Isn't it funny? I give myself permission to eat cooked, and consequently eat almost entirely raw! On the other hand, days when i try to white knuckle not binge eating gourmet at work end up in total disaster, stuffing my face. But on Friday, i didn't even THINK about what i was going to eat and ended up hardly thinking of food!

On the topic of binge eating, I had something not raw today (hemp milk and milk and not raw honey) and it didn't MAKE me binge. So, i don't think it's COOKED FOOD that MAKES me binge. I think it's how i THINK about cooked food that makes me binge. And it's how i THINK about GOURMET RAW food that makes me binge. It's being disconnected. It's eating automatically. At the meeting, the leader talked about "6 seconds of pleasure, 24 hours of suffering." I could really relate to that. Binge eating, i just ZONE OUT. It's like i'm not even THERE.

But, oddly enough, on these last vegetarian binges, i was really tuning in somewhat. And in doing that, i was all of a sudden able to make better choices. Kind of miraculously.

A BIG topic tonight was AWARENESS and BEING NON JUDGEMENTAL and BEING CURIOUS and just WATCHING OURSELVES. There is HUGE power in that.

I've asked the woman who led the meeting tonight to possibly coach me. She is a vegan who eats high raw and practices mindful eating. It feels like a good fit, and an answer to a "SECRET" attraction as i've been searching for someone to help me. With her focus on AWARENESS, MINDFULNESS and EATING FOR HEALTH and eating HIGH RAW, it felt like a wonderful fit and i'm feeling hopeful for the future!

More tomorrow!

xoxo michelle joy

E3Live, Feeling Good, Binge Eating, Cooked Food, and Weight Gain

Hi there,

Today was a work day at Arnolds Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe and Education Center in Lansdale, PA. I am one of the raw chefs there.

It was such an odd day, but don't get me wrong, i LIKED how odd it was!

Well, the sad truth is, I've been doing poorly the last few days with my food, so you would think I would have felt awful at work today. But i didn't!

When i got to work, i said to Arnold's daughter, Maya, "Maya, look how fat i got" and grimaced and patted my now chubbier cheeks. "I can't tell!," she exclaimed, "you don't look any different." Huh? I've gained, geez, at LEAST 30 lbs, it's entirely shameful to admit, but that is the sad truth. So, i went up to Arnold and said the same thing, "i gained so much weight, can't you tell?" "No," he confessed.

Wow. It is absolutely MOST apparent, but, uh, not fearing i looked like a grotesque monster started off my day pretty well.

It had already had a very rocky start.

I had awoke at 4am, and finally finished reading Victoria Boutenko's "12 Steps To Raw," a very good book, not a GREAT book, but a GOOD book, that i had started just a few days ago. Something seemed to relieve in me after reading that she recommends that people eating cooked food transition slowly into a fully raw diet and that they make a fully conscious decision only after WEEKS of drinking many, many green smoothies. Something about this statement made me feel that cooked food maybe wasn't so terrible after all, and that if you were "IN" it, it may or very well likely "SHOULD" take a while to work yourself "OUT" of it.

You see, unfortunately, i went off of my raw diet, again. Just to backtrack, i was 3 years raw, then began eating beans, experimented with the Fuhrman diet (Dr. Joel Fuhrman), then eventually began binge eating on cooked vegetarian food, only to go back to raw for 20 days, to go off of raw again to continue binge eating on cooked vegetarian.

So, with all of this binge eating, you would think i feel absolutely AWFUL. I am FATTER, yes, i don't like that at ALL. I don't like the way i LOOK, but i feel actually really GREAT!

There are a few things i attribute feeling good to:

1) SOME small successes in eating cooked food intuitively and noticing hunger/fullness and eating cooked meals that i 'wanted,' for instance, a Boca Burger instead of pizza when i felt i wanted the burger. And ordering more wiseley with an eye to what would be TOO filling, etc... For instance, NOT ordering the fries, too, which are at least 1/2 lb of fries, but got a 2 oz bag of chips instead. There has been some MILD but VERY SIGNIFICANT empowering feelings in actually being able to CONTROL my intake during a binge.
2) E3Live
3) Betaine HcL

E3Live and Betaine are two supplements I have been taking. Cliff and I have been taking the E3 Live for about 2 weeks now and, wow, i REALLY feel some SERIOUS benefits from it: High energy even when binge eating (!), excellent digestion even when binge eating (!), reduction of reflux laryngitis even when binge eating (!). I suppose the green fluid is alkelizing, so even with eating bread and cheese and icecream, etc..., i am receiving alkelizing benefits from the bluegreen algae routine. We've been taking 1 Tbsp once a day and for the last 3 days, we doubled the dose. Ideally, i'd like to take 3 Tbsp a day, 1 Tbsp with each meal. God, if i feel good NOW, can you imagine how good i'll feel THEN??

The Betaine is a digestive enzyme i've been taking for years now. I LOVE it. I cannot eat nuts and digest them without it. Apparently, it is helping TREMENDOUSLY with the digestion of pizza and boca burgers and fries and fried onion rings even. Wow.

So much for pure raw joy!!! Jeez, well, all i can say is, no one is perfect, and i certainly am seriously flawed and still in the midst of fighting my terrific food addiction and this is all part of my journey, so for me, it's valuable to document it all, because in documenting it, i can be a bigger help to people when i do finally come to terms with myself and discover exactly what DOES work for me.

Anyway, in case you are interested in the supplement, here is some info: www.e3live.com

E3Live® is 100% Aphanizomenon flos-aquae (AFA for short) that is an all-organic wild-harvested aqua-botanical considered by renowned health authorities to be nature's most beneficial superfood.

Physiologically, E3Live® helps restore overall body/mind balance in numerous ways. Its field of action simultaneously includes the immune, endocrine, nervous, gastro-intestinal and cardio-vascular systems.

Nutritionally, E3Live® provides 64 easily absorbed vitamins, minerals and enzymes and has more biologically active chlorophyll than any known food. It is the most nutrient dense food known to mankind.

E3Live® is a gift of nature, a miracle food.

So... okay, so, here i had this absolutely lovely productive day at work where i didn't even compulsively EAT!!!!, and do you know what i ate for breakfast? Uy, you don't even want to know - two Dunkin' Donuts eggwhite veggie flatbread sandwhiches with an order of hash browns and a cranberry juice. And i really felt GREAT all day despite this cooked vegetarian overeating episode, thanks to the supplements i'm taking.

I felt SO GREAT and so HAPPY at work today that after work, i actually went to the GYM and took a 30 min walk on the treadmill! I'm not sure what to attribute this wonderful happiness and mental lightness to, as i've been quite depressed, gaining weight, binge eating.

One reason for the feeling of relief could be that i canceled some classes that were to take place at Arnold's Way that i was severely stressing over, and in fact, only 3 people signed up for, not enough interest to make teaching the classes worth my while. Letting go of them was a huge stress reducer for me as it turns out.

Another reason for the lightness is i've been singing. And practicing. That is obviously STRESS RELIEVING for me. Boutenko talks about the benefits of relieving stress in controlling one's eating and, uh, it is certainly true. I'm auditioning for a new singing job this weekend. I'll update you more on that soon.... Wish me luck!

Also, ADMITTING openly and TALKING to many customers today about my diet, "I've gained weight due to eating cooked food compulsively...do you eat cooked food? What percentage?" (Everyone i talked to does.) ALot of the SHAME of weight gain and the SHAME of COOKED FOOD was relieved today merely by being out in the open.

I'm not even saying where i'm at is GOOD, it just IS, and being OPEN about it helps ME to move forward.

So, at the gym, i felt very empowered. There i was doing something good for myself despite a binge in the morning. That is such a wonderful feeling to actually turn a day around! Working at Arnold's Way was such a blessing today. I felt grateful to be there and enjoyed my day very much.] So, i was finished walking on the treadmill, i caught a glimpse of myself in the window and no, i didn't like what i saw. And i said to myself, feeling quite empowered, "I would like to get back to the 250's. I don't like how i look in the 280's."

And then i said to myself something shocking. "Make a list for yourself of all of the cooked vegetarian foods that you've been binge eating on that you obviously LIKE. MAYBE you CAN learn to eat them in moderation."

As i write that now i know how foolish it sounds. Me and Moderation are not close friends.

BUT, what this FREEDOM of thinking this way gave me was the actual POWER to think about going on a green smoothie fast. Like, i can STILL have cooked food AFTER if i WANT it.

I know, it sounds nuts, but mentally it's working for me.

I also bought Victoria Boutenko's new book, "Green Smoothie Revolution," and i'm thinking after the green smoothie fast that i will eat 1 cooked vegetarian meal a day, plus green smoothies.

The smoothie fast is to help me get back to a more comfortable weight. I know, i know i endlessly talk about how destructive dieting is. But, you know what? i don't like the way i look. And that's that.

That's what my THOUGHT is now, but, as you know, those change DAILY!!!!

That's where i'm at today and i'm stickin' to it....at least until bedtime tonight!

So, i hope you are all well. I hope you all are finding your way successfully. And i'm sorry i'm struggling and not able to be a shining light in the raw community anylonger. But, maybe i can still get back there. But, sometimes, by TRYING so hard, one makes things more difficult than by just "letting go" and "letting GOD." If raw is right for me and where i and my body need to be, i'll get back there!

xoxo michelle joy

"O DEM GOLDEN SLIPPERS!!!" NEW YEARS DAY IN PHILADELPHIA!!

Hello friends :-))

Time sure flies...I can't believe it's already Jan. 4th!

Cliff and I had such a blast at the Mummer's Parade held annually here on New Year's Day in Philadelphia that we wanted to share some pictures with you.

The Mummers Parade is something you MUST visit at least once in your life! We were so dissappointed to have missed the comics, but were blessed to see every string band parade down the street. And hearing a Mummer's stringband live? Simply astounding. In the words of one strongly Philadelphia-accented South Philly parade goer, "Dare ain't nuttin' like it!"

What a fantastic day!

If you're super interested in the history of the Mummers, here's a very cool article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mummers_Parade

Enjoy! And happy new year!







Women used to not be allowed to parade, so themes often include parodies of women.













This is a shot of "Fralinger String Band", the winners this year in the String Band division and past winners for many, many years!










That's me with the banjo player!











This is where the judging takes place now, in front of the Union League on Broad Street. Many attendees were smart to bring ladders and chairs and step stools to place on the sidewalk so they could actually SEE the bands performing for the judges! We were not so forethinking....







The Union League is actually a private and very exclusive club in Philadelphia. You must pay large sums of money to be a member. The building is enormous and elaborately decorated inside. I've been lucky enough to be invited to parties inside twice. Simply first class!










The amount of people at the parade was astounding! It felt so special to be a part of it! Lots of Philadelphia Pride on this day! Everyone is smiling and happy. There is so much love!








Two sexy wenches and me! This is the typical costume one thinks of for the comic division. Golden Slippers, of course, dresses, umbrellas and painted faces doing the Mummers Strut, a dance where you pump your arms to "O dem golden slippers", you feel a ton of pride and just feel marvelous!











My Cliffy and me at the parade! I'm wearing my new hat that my singing student, Shannon, gifted to me for Christmas! She KNIT it! Isn't it fantastic?











Headmaster of the Fralinger String Band!











This was a lucky moment!













Cliff in front of the winning band!













This was one of my favorite string bands although i don't know the name of them. They were dressed like indians. Look at those colors!










Women are now allowed to parade in the various clubs. What beautiful costumes!












There's those golden slippers!















Another comic wench!

Talk about colors! These outfits looked like Russian or Polish royalty, amazing.

What do we have here, wizards and witches?

Look closely at this ringleader's face. He's a lion!

And here is the band. These costumes were outstanding. Or were they leopards?

One of my favorite costumes!

Ole'! A bearded Rachero woman sax player, beaming Philly pride!

Three Amigos! Can you imagine having to carry those instruments for literally 10 hours at least??? Philadelphia's Mummers Parade is the longest parade in the entire country, beginning at 9 a.m. and not ending until well after midnight!

Fantastically colorful! But the music? Even better!

A female accordianist!

Love this picture and all of the frills on these costumes!

I spotted this Mexican clown on the street.

Next year we'll have to get to the parade even earlier to catch the clown division. They are a favorite. The clowns are all inibriated and do the mummers strut with such joy and happiness!

The mummers work ALL YEAR to prepare for the parade. Only a few short days after this parade, they'll begin preparing for next year.

Here's my Cliffy. He insisted we go to the parade this year as we haven't gone in several. What a treat it was! I should listen to him more often...

One of the first stringbands we saw and heard. Amazing!

Three more wenches!

xoxoxo michelle joy

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2010!

I wish each and every one of you a very happy, healthy, and raw....new year!!!

Cliffy and I drank wine as the ball dropped last night after we got home from Arnold's New Year's Eve Party, and made our resolutions to each other, verbally. Mine was to exercise more. And we both expressed similar desires to make more money in this year, stick together on our raw journey, continue to get the house in order, and continue to love each other. He even said that maybe we'd get married this year :-)))

The last two days have been party days with my Arnold's Way crowd. It has been so nice!

Wednesday night was a send off party for our Arnold's Way friend and sometime-employee, Rachel Costello, who got a temporary job in Boston, teaching Spanish, yay! My friend and coworker, Megan McDonnell, the genius behind my new organized home, made a fabulous raw party for Rachel. Since i'm so food oriented, i love to talk about food, so i will! Megan made fresh papaya slices, guacamole and salsa with crudite, zucchini spaghetti with her famous basil mint avocado sauce (really light and really yummy), her famous banana pudding for dessert, and i brought a cranberry strawberry pie that everyone loved. (I'm getting super good at pie making!)
Eating raw food with friends is sooo wonderful, and we all wish Rachel all of the luck in the world on her new venture, and hope to see her soon!

I feel so blessed to be a part of Arnold's Way. It's such a special place. Remember the TV show "Cheers"? That's what it's like at Arnold's Way. A big happy family.

And last night Arnold hosted a fabulous Raw New Year's Eve Party at his home in Lansdale, PA. The turnout was great, and the food was even greater. I made a Thai Broccoli Salad and a pudding i call Rocky Road as it is chocolately with raisins and nuts and reminds you of the icecream, both huge hits. Leslie Arnold brought the MOST amazing "asparagus avocado" soup, whose name did not send me reeling, but once i tasted, oh my god, i had 2 cups, it was a divine elixer! She also made an awesome chocolate pie. Megan made something she called 'macaroni and cheese', which is short macaroni shaped zucchini 'noodles' in a cheezy sauce, and it really DOES remind you of mac 'n cheese by capturing the creamy, cheezy, salty essence of the dish. Stephanie Schneibel made fabulous marinated mushrooms. Carlos and Shakaya brought fruit. Arnold made green smoothies and a coconut fruit dessert. Karen Wilson brought a to-die-for kale salad using my Thai dressing that she bought at the store. What an inspiration. THAT is going to be the new special at Arnolds Way! Delish! Why didn't i ever think to put it on Kale???

Having these wonderful parties is making staying raw so much easier.

It's 18 days for me and Cliff that we have our raw kitchen at home and that we've been eating raw together at home. I've been 100% raw. Cliff is, however, doing the best he can, and i give him a LOT of credit. He will teach himself what makes him FEEL the best.

Yesterday we had green smoothie for breakfast. He dropped me off to work and i made him a chocolate whip and packed a raw 'chez burger' for him to take with him. He gladly ate that around lunch time, but around dinnertime as his live-in chefess was at work, he succumbed to a Philadelphia Cheesesteak. He said it tasted delicious going down, but felt like lead in his stomach afterwards. At the new year's party, he enjoyed a small portion of some of the savory dishes, but didn't have much appetite.

Last night, he did NOT sleep well, which i attribute to the cheesesteak. Eating heavy cooked food and meat makes you sleep like shit. You're body is busy digesting, not sleeping. So, he will teach himself what makes him feel the best. You can lead a horse to water...as they say!

I haven't weighed myself since last week and so i'm really unsure if i'm gaining significantly or insignificantly, or if i'm just holding steady. I'd like to think i'm in the low 270's, but i don't know and i kind of don't want to know. Maybe i'll weigh myself in a few days.

I had previously gained weight from binge eating for an entire month cooked food, and i've not lost that. That was a big emotional challenge for me to get over, the impulse to lose it FAST! But i realized that everytime i lose it fast, i gain it right back.

I wanted to try a new approach. Just eating more intuitively and having the bulk of my diet be gourmet raw dishes to appeal to me and my sensual nature, and to my meat and potatoes eating man. So, we drink green smoothies, and for meals have various salads with dressings, small amounts of nutspread on veggies or crackers, small peices of raw pie. We try to keep the portions on the small side since we're eating richer raw food. Sometimes we have homemade raw buckwheat cereal with raw milk. Sometimes we have raw cheese on flax crackers.

I often overeat, but i've stopped binge eating due to this new 'free' way of eating. No rules.

I must say one VERY important thing. Everyone who reads this blog knows i continually lost control severely with raw gourmet food when i would work at Arnolds Way. Well, during the week at home, i was 80-10-10ing, so all of the gourmet temptations at work were too hard for me to pass up, and i would go literally hogwild.

Well, since i've been eating gourmet at home, making flax crackers at home, making raw cereal, making raw pies weekly, the insane compulsion to binge at Arnolds Way is GONE. I marveled at my composure yesterday with the food there. When i was hungry midmorning, I ate several flax crackers for brunch before realizing i didn't want anymore. That THING that DRIVES me was gone. THAT is a new place to be and feels incredible.

I still OVEREAT, i VERY MUCH do, BUT, there is a HUGE difference between binge eating and overeating. Binge eating is continuous, frenetic, out of control, secret, frightening, huge quantity. To be experiencing relief from binge eating is filling me with insane levels of gratitude to be on a path that is making me more comfortable with food, that is making me feel more at peace with food. I know the work i do NOW will pay off in the future.

Obviously, my goal is to be a thin raw foodist who doesn't binge, but since dieting never relieved me of binge eating and only exaserbated it for me, I don't think more dieting will get me there. At least that's not my intuition at the moment. I think the path INWARD is going to heal me. Making peace with fattier foods at all meal times is taking the charge out of them. No binge eating necessary.

Gourmet raw may not be ideal for weight loss, especially when overeaten, but in small quantities with significant exercise, one CAN lose weight eating gourmet raw with the right attitude and belief in it. I never believed i could lose weight eating gourmet, because i always binged on it, but i think my viewpoint might change the more control i gain. Two friends of mine were BIG weight loss winners eating gourmet raw. My friend in Colorodo, Dutin, lost 100 lbs that way, www.dustinkellogg.com as did Tim Arnold.

"No deprivation" is Tim's motto, and i'm beginning to see why. It takes the charge out of binge eating to actually ALLOW yourself to eat well all day.

In Dr. Christopher Fairburn's book, he explicitly states it is imperative to allow oneself all foods (i am doing all RAW foods) in order to be more at peace with food and to stop binge eating. I'm seeing that this advice has quite a bit of wisdom behind it. I eat what i want and the binge eating is relieved.

General overeating, on the other hand, is the second thing to tackle. After stopping binge eating, when one dedicates onesself to stopping overeating, that's where the permanent weight loss would come into play.

This is a slow process. I usually do the temporary quick fix of dieting. This feels scary at times when i overdo it overeating, and i question myself what the hell i'm doing off of a diet and feel so discouraged about how i look, but sometimes, like this morning, not dieting feels liberating. I enjoyed a good time with friends last night, enjoyed the food, and didn't come home and binge!!!

That's a happy new year!

xoxoxo michelle joy