Hiya,
Just got back from the 3rd great day at work. That's so awesome. Peppered all over this blog are descriptions of days out of control eating at work. Getting ready for the Festival (on Sunday at Arnolds Way in Lansdale, PA) is a lot of work, but so stimulating, i don't even THINK about food until i'm hungry. I'm not alone in the kitchen since i have helpers there, and let me tell you, this is KEY for me. NOT ALONE IN THE KITCHEN.
So, i had another raw day. It's become so simple, i can't believe days ago i was binge eating rye bread and sticks of butter. It seems like ages ago.
I had green smoothie this morning.
Then for lunch, a green salad with a dehydrated veggie burger mixture on top (Arnolds veggie burger "steaks" contain only veggies and apples and minimal cashews, no salt, no oil). I chop up the burger in the cuisinart with other moist veggies and use THIS as my dressing ontop of greens. It's actually quite yummy. I also sprinkle nutritional yeast on top, raw cider vinegar, a squirt of agave, a squirt of lemon and moosh up. Quite enjoyable, especially if there is enough spice in the salad. I added fresh garlic and onion to the cuisinart mix.
Hungry later, i had a banana whip. Hungry again later, i made another of those salads i just described. Hungry again later, i had some smoothie and later a banana whip. When i got home i was hungry again and had an apple and a cup of tea with lots of raw honey, yum.
Seems like ALOT. Calorically, i wonder what that is. 1 banana is 100 calories, so 10 bananas and that's 1000 calories. I had at least 1o bananas today.
Speaking with my coworker today, i was expressing my dissappointment in not losing weight faster for all of the effort i'm putting in. It's so childish, i know, but when i really thought about it, i realized how those cooked veggie with bean soups in the Dr. Fuhrman program were so ultra low calorie and i think i DID lose weight quicker doing Fuhrman. Cooked veggies are like calorie free practically and beans are quite low. I filled myself up on a tasty warm huge bowl and lost like a crazy 18 lbs or something. On all of the fruit and greens, it's slow going.
It's SO GOOD that i got over the cooked chinese food and pizza. Wo, wait a second, it's BEYOND GOOD, it's PHENOMENOL. How could i have been sure that that would have ended? My LIFE is filled with falling into binges that never end. This time i was lucky. Or more skilled???? If i am more skilled, can you IMAGINE how bad i was before????
But, i can't help thinking the Fuhrman thing, intellectually, makes more sense.
I know, i know. Cooked thoughts again.
And then i ask myself, COULD i just restrict cooked eating to beans and veggies, salt and fat free, in the hopes of losing weight quicker?????
Okay, one question. WHY do i want to lose it so quickly???? What the hell is the rush? It just seems like so much effort for not much weight loss. On Fuhrman, in a week, i lost everything i gained from binge eating. On my version of 80-10-10, it's slower.
Well, this is just a little clue into what it's like to live in MY head!!! Aren't you lucky you DON'T???!!!!!
I ran into an old buddy at Arnolds Way who is a pretty strict raw foodist, or so i thought. I came to find out, she also eats beans and cooked veggies and eats out sometimes in cooked vegetarian restaurants. It got me thinkin'. I'm so suggestable.
You know what? Maybe i just shouldn't WEIGH myself....then i wouldn't be so concerned over the speed of losing!!!! Not having cooked has put me back into an incredible focus. It feels good.
The no salt, low fat eating completely ELIMINATES binge eating at work, too. THAT is priceless. And I feel so energetic.
Good to talk that out.
Anyway, big day tomorrow. A friend is coming over for a singing lesson and raw lunch and then we're heading to an art gallery. He is an artist and might want to show his art in this gallery.
So, all you out there, have a great day tomorrow. And come over to Arnolds on Sunday. RAWSOME FOOD, MUSIC & YOGA FESTIVAL - Sunday, Dec 6th from Noon - 10pm. 25$ at the door!
xoxo michelle joy
Friday, December 4, 2009
SanKtuary Spa & Arnold's Way present...THE RAWSOME FOOD, MUSIC & YOGA FESTIVAL, Sun, Dec 6, 2009 12noon-10pm!
Mornin' ladies,
Uy, uy, uy, 4th day raw, very nice and good, but i feel kinda miserable this morning and a bit discouraged. Ya know i like fast weight loss, it's kind of a sickness i suppose, but if i work hard, i expect to be rewarded....immediately!!
I took a 20 min walk again yesterday morning, as i will do this morning. [This is going to be my new 'minimum' daily activity. There's no reason i can't get out for 20 minutes and walk to Starbucks down on Main Street and back.] It feels good and gets the blood pumping and is 'supposed' to help you lose weight.
As is low fat no salt raw. I think i lost 3/4 of a lb today.
I see how ridiculous i am when i write this to be upset over that. People on Weight Watchers lose 3/4 of a lb in a WEEK.
I'm telling myself now "Down fast, up fast" and that IS exactly how it goes with me, but it would just be nice by Sunday's festival to be looking really good.
I should look on the bright side, i had a fabulous day at work yesterday. No binge eating, no snacking. When i eat lowfat, no salt raw i'm on track. Plus, i've been busy, busy making all of the food for the Festival, so i'm stimulated, and didn't need to be stimulated by eating. That's so important for me.
Hey, forget about me, come out to the Arnolds Way Festival on Sunday! www.arnoldsway.com I made a special menu and i'm singing and doing a food prep.
Time for a walk with Cliffy. It's cold out today, brrrr!
Hang in there!!
xoxox michelle joy
Uy, uy, uy, 4th day raw, very nice and good, but i feel kinda miserable this morning and a bit discouraged. Ya know i like fast weight loss, it's kind of a sickness i suppose, but if i work hard, i expect to be rewarded....immediately!!
I took a 20 min walk again yesterday morning, as i will do this morning. [This is going to be my new 'minimum' daily activity. There's no reason i can't get out for 20 minutes and walk to Starbucks down on Main Street and back.] It feels good and gets the blood pumping and is 'supposed' to help you lose weight.
As is low fat no salt raw. I think i lost 3/4 of a lb today.
I see how ridiculous i am when i write this to be upset over that. People on Weight Watchers lose 3/4 of a lb in a WEEK.
I'm telling myself now "Down fast, up fast" and that IS exactly how it goes with me, but it would just be nice by Sunday's festival to be looking really good.
I should look on the bright side, i had a fabulous day at work yesterday. No binge eating, no snacking. When i eat lowfat, no salt raw i'm on track. Plus, i've been busy, busy making all of the food for the Festival, so i'm stimulated, and didn't need to be stimulated by eating. That's so important for me.
Hey, forget about me, come out to the Arnolds Way Festival on Sunday! www.arnoldsway.com I made a special menu and i'm singing and doing a food prep.
Time for a walk with Cliffy. It's cold out today, brrrr!
Hang in there!!
xoxox michelle joy
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Day THREE raw
Mornin, Ya'll,
FOLLOW UP: [Post b.m. i weigh 268.5...thank god, back in the 60's....gonna try to juice more today. there IS something to VEGGIES....much lower CALORIES than fruit....]
Just wrote an email to a wonderful friend of mine, Monique Powell, former lead singer of "Save Ferris." We met at O.H.I., the raw retreat i went to. She's so fabulous. You should watch her sing on Youtube. She performed on CONAN O'BRIEN and JAY LENO with her band!!!!
Anyway, I figured instead of writing everything again, she asked how i was, i'd copy and paste the portions that answered that, for you :-))) It updates you on how i've been doing.
This morning i woke up really miserable. I've been low fat no salt raw for two days and feeling dizzy. I think it's all of the bananas and fruit sugar. Plus, i didn't lose anything this morning. I mean, for all of this effort, fuck. i'm discouraged.
I had been trying Dr. Fuhrman's Eat to Live program where you eat beans and cooked veggies in soups and lose tons of weight and i lost 18 lbs in like days. It IS more low calorie than 80-10-10 which is what everyone does at arnolds way, mostly fruit and greens.
I'm discouraged.
Although, when i started eating cooked food back in sept, from that point on, it had DEFINITELY SNOWBALLED out of control to where just 3 days ago i had on a binge: 1 slice of cheese pizza, 2 veggie spring rolls, 1 small brown rice, 1 singapore rice noodles, 2 scoops baskin robbins icecream. At least i stayed vegetarian.
So, i finally decided that i felt even MORE hopeless eating cooked because not only had i lost control, but i lost my identity. I'm supposed to be a freakin' raw chef here and it had unraveled so that i wasn't eating barely any raw and i couldn't get back on track. Everyday i was beside myself and didn't know where to turn, so i realized that raw felt like a safe haven again and though it was not a cure-all for my binge eating (i still have binged for 3 years on "gourmet" raw - what we call anything raw with olive oil, salt and spices, usually nut based foods or dehydrated, anything not WHOLE fruit or veggies), it still helped me to control my weight, and at this point, i figured, my weight was actually MORE important than curing binge eating.
I've been reading all of these binge eating books and everyone says you can't restrict your eating so i tried, i really tried to just have a little, but ultimately, i can't control cooked worse than i can control raw, so there.
i didn't gain too too terribly. I'm 270 1/2 this morning and my lowest was 249 so far, but that i hit for like a day and went back up. Recently i had been at about 258 on a good day and was happy with that. Not too too terrible a gain.
But i woke up to not lose anything. and knowing i lost so much faster on Fuhrman is playing with my mind again. "cooked, cooked, cooked", it's wooing me, but i have to remember how badly it went out of control. I mean, worse than that one binge i described above. Another binge was like an entire 1/2 loaf of rye bread with 1 stick of butter, 8 eggs and 6 peices of toast with the other stick of butter and a pot of white rice with more butter.
Man, bread and butter is GOOD. That's one of the things i took from this whole experience. Cooked food DEFINITELY tastes better than raw food!!!
But, it makes sense for me for today and for this week at least.
On sunday at work we have a raw food festival at work so i feel confident doing this this week. It's restoring my sanity to be raw at a raw festival at least.
my head was great for the last 2 days but horrible before that. fear, confusion, just awful.
Okay, i feel a b.m. coming on and i like that, it means i'll lose a pound. Then i go for a walk. Because it feels good and i like feeling good. I wonder if i'd do better juicing some greens today, ala Meredith Frantz of http://www.therawseed.com/. She juices greens daily. What's great about Fuhrman's program is you can eat a ton of calorie free cooked veggies in a soup with no salt and no fat and it still tastes good. Raw veggies without fat and salt don't really taste all that good.
OH WELL, gotta suck it up today! That's all she wrote!
xoxo michelle joy
FOLLOW UP: [Post b.m. i weigh 268.5...thank god, back in the 60's....gonna try to juice more today. there IS something to VEGGIES....much lower CALORIES than fruit....]
Just wrote an email to a wonderful friend of mine, Monique Powell, former lead singer of "Save Ferris." We met at O.H.I., the raw retreat i went to. She's so fabulous. You should watch her sing on Youtube. She performed on CONAN O'BRIEN and JAY LENO with her band!!!!
Anyway, I figured instead of writing everything again, she asked how i was, i'd copy and paste the portions that answered that, for you :-))) It updates you on how i've been doing.
This morning i woke up really miserable. I've been low fat no salt raw for two days and feeling dizzy. I think it's all of the bananas and fruit sugar. Plus, i didn't lose anything this morning. I mean, for all of this effort, fuck. i'm discouraged.
I had been trying Dr. Fuhrman's Eat to Live program where you eat beans and cooked veggies in soups and lose tons of weight and i lost 18 lbs in like days. It IS more low calorie than 80-10-10 which is what everyone does at arnolds way, mostly fruit and greens.
I'm discouraged.
Although, when i started eating cooked food back in sept, from that point on, it had DEFINITELY SNOWBALLED out of control to where just 3 days ago i had on a binge: 1 slice of cheese pizza, 2 veggie spring rolls, 1 small brown rice, 1 singapore rice noodles, 2 scoops baskin robbins icecream. At least i stayed vegetarian.
So, i finally decided that i felt even MORE hopeless eating cooked because not only had i lost control, but i lost my identity. I'm supposed to be a freakin' raw chef here and it had unraveled so that i wasn't eating barely any raw and i couldn't get back on track. Everyday i was beside myself and didn't know where to turn, so i realized that raw felt like a safe haven again and though it was not a cure-all for my binge eating (i still have binged for 3 years on "gourmet" raw - what we call anything raw with olive oil, salt and spices, usually nut based foods or dehydrated, anything not WHOLE fruit or veggies), it still helped me to control my weight, and at this point, i figured, my weight was actually MORE important than curing binge eating.
I've been reading all of these binge eating books and everyone says you can't restrict your eating so i tried, i really tried to just have a little, but ultimately, i can't control cooked worse than i can control raw, so there.
i didn't gain too too terribly. I'm 270 1/2 this morning and my lowest was 249 so far, but that i hit for like a day and went back up. Recently i had been at about 258 on a good day and was happy with that. Not too too terrible a gain.
But i woke up to not lose anything. and knowing i lost so much faster on Fuhrman is playing with my mind again. "cooked, cooked, cooked", it's wooing me, but i have to remember how badly it went out of control. I mean, worse than that one binge i described above. Another binge was like an entire 1/2 loaf of rye bread with 1 stick of butter, 8 eggs and 6 peices of toast with the other stick of butter and a pot of white rice with more butter.
Man, bread and butter is GOOD. That's one of the things i took from this whole experience. Cooked food DEFINITELY tastes better than raw food!!!
But, it makes sense for me for today and for this week at least.
On sunday at work we have a raw food festival at work so i feel confident doing this this week. It's restoring my sanity to be raw at a raw festival at least.
my head was great for the last 2 days but horrible before that. fear, confusion, just awful.
Okay, i feel a b.m. coming on and i like that, it means i'll lose a pound. Then i go for a walk. Because it feels good and i like feeling good. I wonder if i'd do better juicing some greens today, ala Meredith Frantz of http://www.therawseed.com/. She juices greens daily. What's great about Fuhrman's program is you can eat a ton of calorie free cooked veggies in a soup with no salt and no fat and it still tastes good. Raw veggies without fat and salt don't really taste all that good.
OH WELL, gotta suck it up today! That's all she wrote!
xoxo michelle joy
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It feels good to feel good!
If you're in the Philly area, don't forget!
SANCTUARY SPA AND ARNOLDS WAY PRESENTS THE RAWSOME FOOD, MUSIC & YOGA FESTIVAL - This Sunday, Dec. 6th from 12noon until about 8 or 10pm at Arnolds Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe' and Education Center, 319 W. Main Street, Lansdale, PA.
I think there is a dance at 8pm. I'll be singing at 2pm and doing a raw food demo at 2:30pm. Call Arnolds Way for $20 tickets 215-361-0116. We're not sure if there will be any walk-in tickets as we are already pretty packed, so call now.
Today i'll be prepping food for the event and Sandy, an Arnolds Way customer, is lending a hand. How nice! Tasting will be kept to the very, very bare minimum.
My plan is to do what i did yesterday. No salt, low fat raw. For a work day, i'll plan salads with a tiny bit of nut butter mixed with water, no salt, garlic, vinegar, agave and nutritional yeast as a dressing (delish); veggie nori rolls, spaghetti with nofat/nosalt tomato sauce, green smoothies, whips. Ahhh, coming home is good.
As you can see, I'm implementing a little restoration so i can look better for the event. My face is full. I weigh 270.5. At the Halloween party i sang at, I was 258. Well, that's pizza and rice and butter and veggie spring rolls and Singapore Noodles for ya.
What i'm doing today may not be a cure for binge eating, but it's a good healthy place to be, and i feel grateful. Looking good makes me feel good. You know what i just realized? Controlling my weight is just as important as controlling my binge eating, if not more, honestly.
Managing my binge eating is what i've been doing all of these years eating raw, and eating spells of lower fat raw have helped to keep my weight from escalating. It's not been a perfect system by any means, but at least i don't weigh 425 again, or even 300, or even 290 or 280.
To make myself feel good this morning, i dressed up for work. I put on a dress, pretty jewelry. Kind of a deflection from the bloated face. Maybe nobody will notice. Actually, i'm sure they will, but gaining weight is not a crime. I feel victorious today instead of ashamed. Thank god for yesterday.
I'm off for a short walk before work because it made me feel so strong and empowered yesterday and i liked that. Feeling like shit and complaining and living in fear and defeat is really not all that fun. This feels much better.
I got dressed in my new walk-in closet room and does THAT ever feel empowering. If i keep this up, heck, i don't know WHAT will be with me, i'll feel so freakin' empowered i won't know WHAT to do with myself!!!
xoxox michelle joy
SANCTUARY SPA AND ARNOLDS WAY PRESENTS THE RAWSOME FOOD, MUSIC & YOGA FESTIVAL - This Sunday, Dec. 6th from 12noon until about 8 or 10pm at Arnolds Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe' and Education Center, 319 W. Main Street, Lansdale, PA.
I think there is a dance at 8pm. I'll be singing at 2pm and doing a raw food demo at 2:30pm. Call Arnolds Way for $20 tickets 215-361-0116. We're not sure if there will be any walk-in tickets as we are already pretty packed, so call now.
Today i'll be prepping food for the event and Sandy, an Arnolds Way customer, is lending a hand. How nice! Tasting will be kept to the very, very bare minimum.
My plan is to do what i did yesterday. No salt, low fat raw. For a work day, i'll plan salads with a tiny bit of nut butter mixed with water, no salt, garlic, vinegar, agave and nutritional yeast as a dressing (delish); veggie nori rolls, spaghetti with nofat/nosalt tomato sauce, green smoothies, whips. Ahhh, coming home is good.
As you can see, I'm implementing a little restoration so i can look better for the event. My face is full. I weigh 270.5. At the Halloween party i sang at, I was 258. Well, that's pizza and rice and butter and veggie spring rolls and Singapore Noodles for ya.
What i'm doing today may not be a cure for binge eating, but it's a good healthy place to be, and i feel grateful. Looking good makes me feel good. You know what i just realized? Controlling my weight is just as important as controlling my binge eating, if not more, honestly.
Managing my binge eating is what i've been doing all of these years eating raw, and eating spells of lower fat raw have helped to keep my weight from escalating. It's not been a perfect system by any means, but at least i don't weigh 425 again, or even 300, or even 290 or 280.
To make myself feel good this morning, i dressed up for work. I put on a dress, pretty jewelry. Kind of a deflection from the bloated face. Maybe nobody will notice. Actually, i'm sure they will, but gaining weight is not a crime. I feel victorious today instead of ashamed. Thank god for yesterday.
I'm off for a short walk before work because it made me feel so strong and empowered yesterday and i liked that. Feeling like shit and complaining and living in fear and defeat is really not all that fun. This feels much better.
I got dressed in my new walk-in closet room and does THAT ever feel empowering. If i keep this up, heck, i don't know WHAT will be with me, i'll feel so freakin' empowered i won't know WHAT to do with myself!!!
xoxox michelle joy
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
What A Difference A Day Makes!
Oh, Happy Day!
I'm writing this on Tuesday night. What a complete departure today was from the weeks preceeding was my day today. I felt focused, sure, right, strong, determined, on track, organized, loved. I ate all raw because i decided to. I had thoughts of eating cooked, but i watched the thoughts, and ultimately decided it wasn't the right choice for me. I wouldn't know for sure that it would end where it started, and i'd be bloated again and snoring and continue to gain because i can't be sure i can keep my portions in control.
I decided that though cooked food might make 'intellectual' sense in terms of healing binge eating, it hasn't worked for me thus far as i can control it even LESS than raw food, and it was time finally to make peace with that. I decided that i refuse to gain another pound trying to do something nearly impossible, that's been nearly impossible to me my entire life: controlling cooked food.
I took a hour walk after not having walked for 4 weeks, and it was hard, but the empowered feeling i had afterwards was well worth the effort. If i could do that, i felt like i could do anything.
What a difference a day makes! One day in despair and hopeless. The next confident, sure, strong.
I organized much of my new walk in closet, put all of the sheets in a new place, and all of my clothing in the new organized room. Good, right action is flowing through me. Megan's on a fast, so she's not coming tomorrow, but, i was strong myself and did a good amount, myself. I'm not so hopeless afterall. And actually much stronger than i realize myself....once i "PUT MY MIND TO SOMETHING."
I can't believe how different i feel today than i've been feeling.
My head was spinning this morning and i was afraid to walk alone, afraid i'd jump on the bus and chicken out of pushing myself. Then i remembered i needed to practice my singing and i could fill my head with music to stimulate me, instead of food. Hallelujah. It worked. And made the walk...not only enjoyable and good for me, but productive in terms of my music.
The good, right action continued to flow later. I just had one of THE most amazing singing practices ever. All of a sudden i'm confident and i'm on target for Sunday's performance.
Digging through emotional issues, i don't even think, is the answer. It's a part of it.
But today confirms that EVERYTHING has to do with right THINKING.
I decided to decide to what has worked for 3 years, after trying new ways that ultimately did not pan out as i had expected. I decided to do what has worked for 3 years pretty well, and forget about trying something new. My footing feels sure. I know what to do. I made it work.
My food today was enjoyable because i decided it would be.
God i feel good.
Continue to pray and support me, please.
And I thank you.
xoxo michelle joy
I'm writing this on Tuesday night. What a complete departure today was from the weeks preceeding was my day today. I felt focused, sure, right, strong, determined, on track, organized, loved. I ate all raw because i decided to. I had thoughts of eating cooked, but i watched the thoughts, and ultimately decided it wasn't the right choice for me. I wouldn't know for sure that it would end where it started, and i'd be bloated again and snoring and continue to gain because i can't be sure i can keep my portions in control.
I decided that though cooked food might make 'intellectual' sense in terms of healing binge eating, it hasn't worked for me thus far as i can control it even LESS than raw food, and it was time finally to make peace with that. I decided that i refuse to gain another pound trying to do something nearly impossible, that's been nearly impossible to me my entire life: controlling cooked food.
I took a hour walk after not having walked for 4 weeks, and it was hard, but the empowered feeling i had afterwards was well worth the effort. If i could do that, i felt like i could do anything.
What a difference a day makes! One day in despair and hopeless. The next confident, sure, strong.
I organized much of my new walk in closet, put all of the sheets in a new place, and all of my clothing in the new organized room. Good, right action is flowing through me. Megan's on a fast, so she's not coming tomorrow, but, i was strong myself and did a good amount, myself. I'm not so hopeless afterall. And actually much stronger than i realize myself....once i "PUT MY MIND TO SOMETHING."
I can't believe how different i feel today than i've been feeling.
My head was spinning this morning and i was afraid to walk alone, afraid i'd jump on the bus and chicken out of pushing myself. Then i remembered i needed to practice my singing and i could fill my head with music to stimulate me, instead of food. Hallelujah. It worked. And made the walk...not only enjoyable and good for me, but productive in terms of my music.
The good, right action continued to flow later. I just had one of THE most amazing singing practices ever. All of a sudden i'm confident and i'm on target for Sunday's performance.
Digging through emotional issues, i don't even think, is the answer. It's a part of it.
But today confirms that EVERYTHING has to do with right THINKING.
I decided to decide to what has worked for 3 years, after trying new ways that ultimately did not pan out as i had expected. I decided to do what has worked for 3 years pretty well, and forget about trying something new. My footing feels sure. I know what to do. I made it work.
My food today was enjoyable because i decided it would be.
God i feel good.
Continue to pray and support me, please.
And I thank you.
xoxo michelle joy
Great Quote
Cliff and I watched this movie last night, "Vantage Point," where every character in the film has a different viewpoint, a different opinion about what happened.
After the movie was over, we watched the special feature film, and i was moved to write down what one of the actors commented about reality.
He said, "There really is NO reality. What you see, what really is, is what you make it. And how you interpret what is happening."
I thought that was brilliant and apropos to what i'm going through. If you ask 50 people how to screw in a lightbulb, you'll get 50 different answers. Ask 50 people or books or doctors how to cure binge eating or how to cure cancer and you'll get 50 different answers.
Sometimes ya just gotta trust yourself. And interpret for yourself what you need to do. And go back and just do what worked.
Lots of talk about EFT. Got a GREAT email from Glenda who is doing terrifically implementing a new EFT program. So excited for her! There's no reason i can't try that out.
Okay, off for a walk.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Wow, great comment i just got, do read below! Follow your inner guide...and FORGET what all the experts say!!!!
I just got back from an hour walk and ya know what? I sang the whole time, occupied my mind and was just what i needed. Didn't even think of food ONCE. Met up with Cliff for a tea. Feel supported and loved, but ya know what's the MOST powerful? ME and MY DECISION. "I'm back, baby!" is what i feel like shouting. And ya know why i'm back? Because i say so.
xoxo mich
After the movie was over, we watched the special feature film, and i was moved to write down what one of the actors commented about reality.
He said, "There really is NO reality. What you see, what really is, is what you make it. And how you interpret what is happening."
I thought that was brilliant and apropos to what i'm going through. If you ask 50 people how to screw in a lightbulb, you'll get 50 different answers. Ask 50 people or books or doctors how to cure binge eating or how to cure cancer and you'll get 50 different answers.
Sometimes ya just gotta trust yourself. And interpret for yourself what you need to do. And go back and just do what worked.
Lots of talk about EFT. Got a GREAT email from Glenda who is doing terrifically implementing a new EFT program. So excited for her! There's no reason i can't try that out.
Okay, off for a walk.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Wow, great comment i just got, do read below! Follow your inner guide...and FORGET what all the experts say!!!!
I just got back from an hour walk and ya know what? I sang the whole time, occupied my mind and was just what i needed. Didn't even think of food ONCE. Met up with Cliff for a tea. Feel supported and loved, but ya know what's the MOST powerful? ME and MY DECISION. "I'm back, baby!" is what i feel like shouting. And ya know why i'm back? Because i say so.
xoxo mich
I'M COMING HOME
Okay,
Today feels like one of the good old days.
I have to sing on Sunday and, yes, i have a good case of reflux laryngitis now, and it's time to repair and restore the old fashioned way: raw.
I woke up this morning thinking about how i felt on raw: stopped snoring, empowered to take control of my life, of my food. Even when i lost control, i still managed to get back on track much easier, and ultimately, i was doing quite well with my weight.
Then i thought about how i've felt eating cooked: sometimes able to control, sometimes great pleasure, great hope, but the majority of the time helpless to take control back, unable to maintain control, confused, lost, much heavier, bloated, snoring, looking for someone to 'help' me, helpless where to turn. Where do i belong?
I realized that on raw i may not have cured my binge eating for good, but I knew 80-10-10 was a safe haven, for at least a while. My chances for success seemed BETTER, because i believed in raw, i believed it was helping me control myself because raw food is not as stimulating as cooked. I knew that, and that's precisely WHY i ate raw. 3 years of freedom from binge eating on fast food felt like success. I may still have binged on raw, but lately, my weight had been good. I was coming down. I was getting compliments always for how well i looked.
Plus, with raw, food was less accessible. I couldn't drive to the corner chinese place for veggie spring rolls and singapore rice noodles. I couldn't step next door to the pizza shop for a slice of plain to go. I couldn't drive through the Baskin Robbins for a double scoop. All of this freedom is terrible for an addict like me.
If i wanted a raw treat, it was a 45 minute drive to OASIS or a 30 minute drive to WHOLE FOODS. I didn't so much have blinders on to other foods, i just didn't WANT them. Now, i have the taste again, i want to taste everything. And that is not a good place to be in for a former 425 lb person. i always said it, if i'd gain everything back, next time i'd be 500lbs. And, uh, it's a likely scenario.
Yes, i have an eating disorder, a binge eating disorder.
But i realized that my worst raw days were never as bad as my worst cooked days. And with raw, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I had my raw friends, my raw job to turn to. I was part of a community. Now, i feel like an outcast. I feel like i don't fit. I don't know where i belong. And that doesn't feel good.
On Sunday, Dec 6th is the ARNOLDS WAY AND SANCTUARY SPA RAWSOME FOOD, MUSIC AND YOGA FESTIVAL at Arnolds Way in Lansdale, PA. I am singing, and doing a food demo. How do you think i feel today, full from chinese food, knowing i have to face the raw community and be the one who lost all of the weight raw, and the raw chef, and the raw opera singer?
I refuse to feel like shit and sing like shit at that event. Time to take back my power. Time to do what i have to do. Get back on track with raw.
I feel empowered by singing beautifully. I feel empowered by eating raw. God uses me as a channel for music and for inspiring others. I have NOT been very inspiring lately.
Yes, i know i still need to learn to control myself with food. There are all of the underlying issues, i know. But, i had much more of a chance of success on raw. Look at me now, it's not a pretty sight. I don't look good. I'm lost.
I have to clear the pathway to communicate at this event, musically and with food, and to do that, it's time to go back to my roots, to what worked: raw.
It didn't necessarily erase binge eating, raw. But in the next 5 days, i wouldn't be cured of that anyway if i keep eating chinese food and kept gaining weight. "Can't you eat chinese food in moderation?" Maybe. Maybe someday. But not today. And not in the next 5 days.
There is plenty of time in my life to learn how to eat moderately, be it cooked or raw, but for today, i'm coming home.
I know there are emotional reasons why i eat, but you know what the biggest hurdle is, truly? THE MENTAL. Believing i can. Believing i'm worth it. Believing this new story. Believing this is truly what i need. Believing it's what i want. Believing it'll really be worth it. Believing it will help me get back on track. Even as I'm writing this, i'm doubting. Raw food doesn't taste as good as cooked. [deep sigh]. It's okay, for today. I can make peace with that, for today, because i know what i have at stake. My identity. I'm going to be raw chef michelle on sunday, the one who lost all of the weight eating raw, the raw opera singer. And i'm going to hold my head up high and be proud. Because that IS who i am. I accept that today. Working on cooked food is not in the plan at the moment. I'll leave it for another day.
In the next 5 days before the event, i don't even want to hear the word binge or binge eating or curing binge eating. It's not even my goal today. My goal is to get rid of the reflux, lose the bloat, drink juice, barley max, E3Live, make smoothies, let go of the fat and salt.
So, i'm setting myself up to fail eventually? That's okay with me. On cooked, i would be doing exactly the same, trying, trying, trying to eat in moderation only to constantly fail. Which battle do i want to fight today? The one that will restore me to me.
At least with raw it's my support system, it's been my life for 3 years, it's been the thing that makes Cliff able to sleep with me (stopped snoring). [I also sleep so much more eating cooked. I'd gotten used to getting up with the birds. Now i could sleep until 3pm.]
Thoughts keep coming to me, 'Yeah, but what about the pleasure of cooked food? You're gonna miss it. Can't you have just a little?' It would be such a nice thing to be ABLE to have just a little, but, perhaps under the care of a weekly therapist or something. It's just not for today.
To get back on track on my own, i'm returning to what i know. I have 5 days to restore and repair. And i need your support to get there.
Juicing. Low fat. No salt. Smoothies. Barley Max. E3Live. Water. Walking. Sunshine.
I haven't walked in 4 weeks. All of those endorphins i've been trying to get by way of eggroll.
Sometimes you just have to GET WELL before you have to confidence and trust in yourself to accomplish anything.
xoxo michelle joy
Today feels like one of the good old days.
I have to sing on Sunday and, yes, i have a good case of reflux laryngitis now, and it's time to repair and restore the old fashioned way: raw.
I woke up this morning thinking about how i felt on raw: stopped snoring, empowered to take control of my life, of my food. Even when i lost control, i still managed to get back on track much easier, and ultimately, i was doing quite well with my weight.
Then i thought about how i've felt eating cooked: sometimes able to control, sometimes great pleasure, great hope, but the majority of the time helpless to take control back, unable to maintain control, confused, lost, much heavier, bloated, snoring, looking for someone to 'help' me, helpless where to turn. Where do i belong?
I realized that on raw i may not have cured my binge eating for good, but I knew 80-10-10 was a safe haven, for at least a while. My chances for success seemed BETTER, because i believed in raw, i believed it was helping me control myself because raw food is not as stimulating as cooked. I knew that, and that's precisely WHY i ate raw. 3 years of freedom from binge eating on fast food felt like success. I may still have binged on raw, but lately, my weight had been good. I was coming down. I was getting compliments always for how well i looked.
Plus, with raw, food was less accessible. I couldn't drive to the corner chinese place for veggie spring rolls and singapore rice noodles. I couldn't step next door to the pizza shop for a slice of plain to go. I couldn't drive through the Baskin Robbins for a double scoop. All of this freedom is terrible for an addict like me.
If i wanted a raw treat, it was a 45 minute drive to OASIS or a 30 minute drive to WHOLE FOODS. I didn't so much have blinders on to other foods, i just didn't WANT them. Now, i have the taste again, i want to taste everything. And that is not a good place to be in for a former 425 lb person. i always said it, if i'd gain everything back, next time i'd be 500lbs. And, uh, it's a likely scenario.
Yes, i have an eating disorder, a binge eating disorder.
But i realized that my worst raw days were never as bad as my worst cooked days. And with raw, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I had my raw friends, my raw job to turn to. I was part of a community. Now, i feel like an outcast. I feel like i don't fit. I don't know where i belong. And that doesn't feel good.
On Sunday, Dec 6th is the ARNOLDS WAY AND SANCTUARY SPA RAWSOME FOOD, MUSIC AND YOGA FESTIVAL at Arnolds Way in Lansdale, PA. I am singing, and doing a food demo. How do you think i feel today, full from chinese food, knowing i have to face the raw community and be the one who lost all of the weight raw, and the raw chef, and the raw opera singer?
I refuse to feel like shit and sing like shit at that event. Time to take back my power. Time to do what i have to do. Get back on track with raw.
I feel empowered by singing beautifully. I feel empowered by eating raw. God uses me as a channel for music and for inspiring others. I have NOT been very inspiring lately.
Yes, i know i still need to learn to control myself with food. There are all of the underlying issues, i know. But, i had much more of a chance of success on raw. Look at me now, it's not a pretty sight. I don't look good. I'm lost.
I have to clear the pathway to communicate at this event, musically and with food, and to do that, it's time to go back to my roots, to what worked: raw.
It didn't necessarily erase binge eating, raw. But in the next 5 days, i wouldn't be cured of that anyway if i keep eating chinese food and kept gaining weight. "Can't you eat chinese food in moderation?" Maybe. Maybe someday. But not today. And not in the next 5 days.
There is plenty of time in my life to learn how to eat moderately, be it cooked or raw, but for today, i'm coming home.
I know there are emotional reasons why i eat, but you know what the biggest hurdle is, truly? THE MENTAL. Believing i can. Believing i'm worth it. Believing this new story. Believing this is truly what i need. Believing it's what i want. Believing it'll really be worth it. Believing it will help me get back on track. Even as I'm writing this, i'm doubting. Raw food doesn't taste as good as cooked. [deep sigh]. It's okay, for today. I can make peace with that, for today, because i know what i have at stake. My identity. I'm going to be raw chef michelle on sunday, the one who lost all of the weight eating raw, the raw opera singer. And i'm going to hold my head up high and be proud. Because that IS who i am. I accept that today. Working on cooked food is not in the plan at the moment. I'll leave it for another day.
In the next 5 days before the event, i don't even want to hear the word binge or binge eating or curing binge eating. It's not even my goal today. My goal is to get rid of the reflux, lose the bloat, drink juice, barley max, E3Live, make smoothies, let go of the fat and salt.
So, i'm setting myself up to fail eventually? That's okay with me. On cooked, i would be doing exactly the same, trying, trying, trying to eat in moderation only to constantly fail. Which battle do i want to fight today? The one that will restore me to me.
At least with raw it's my support system, it's been my life for 3 years, it's been the thing that makes Cliff able to sleep with me (stopped snoring). [I also sleep so much more eating cooked. I'd gotten used to getting up with the birds. Now i could sleep until 3pm.]
Thoughts keep coming to me, 'Yeah, but what about the pleasure of cooked food? You're gonna miss it. Can't you have just a little?' It would be such a nice thing to be ABLE to have just a little, but, perhaps under the care of a weekly therapist or something. It's just not for today.
To get back on track on my own, i'm returning to what i know. I have 5 days to restore and repair. And i need your support to get there.
Juicing. Low fat. No salt. Smoothies. Barley Max. E3Live. Water. Walking. Sunshine.
I haven't walked in 4 weeks. All of those endorphins i've been trying to get by way of eggroll.
Sometimes you just have to GET WELL before you have to confidence and trust in yourself to accomplish anything.
xoxo michelle joy
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