Happy July 4th!

Happy Holiday!

Hope your day was enjoyable!

I had a good day. Cliff and I straightened up the house for company. I made (cooked) food for guests (grilled marinated chicken, potato salad, cole slaw, sliced tomatoes with basil and olive oil, hotdogs, corn on the cob, homemade lemonade, grilled veggies), and served dinner. We ate and sat outside and listened to neighborhood fireworks. It was nice! :-))

Today i had a traditional 80-10-10 (raw vegan, of course, i've been raw for 2.5 years) day with no salt and no fat. I didn't particularly crave anything salty or fatty, but i didn't have much in the fridge or the cubbard, so that was kind of a bummer, but can be a blessing.

I decided not to weigh myself this morning (unofficially, of course).

But, I weighed myself in the afternoon. I just wanted to see how bad it was. I am notorious for holding tons of water weight. Let's just say, i'm hoping the no salt today unbloated me somewhat as i was heavier than i expected due to fluid retention from 2 days of eating raw gourmet with salt. I hold water like a balloon. Having had no salt today, I did peepee continually all day. It was annoying, but i know it was a good thing.

I felt a little down in the dumps today. I awoke feeling a bit depressed. Perhaps 2 days of nuts will do that to a person. Or just feeling like what i'm doing is crazy and all wrong.

But company raised my spirits, as did cooking. I don't care if it's cooked or it's raw, i just love cooking and fixing food for people. When cooking food, i taste nothing, use my other senses, my sense of smell, my common cooking sense, i also follow my intuition greatly. I 'feel' if i think something needs salt, for example. I'm pretty darned right on the money. Everything i made today i had Cliff taste test, and he gave a huge thumbs up to it all, and so did everyone at dinner!

I had something running through my mind today about the concept of self-parenting. No parent in their right mind is always a disciplinarian and none are completely permissive and indulgent. No good parent is one thing always. In parenting ourselves, we have to adjust and determine what we need.

In doing 80-10-10 with no salt today, i felt it was what i needed and my desires matched it. I enjoyed all of the fruit, enjoyed the green smoothies.

Yesterday in work was another story. I indulged my desires and I enjoyed that. I have to pay the price for that, now, but i still feel i'm learning something from it.

FOOD - was hungry all day, so i just kept eating!

Breakfast: Giant Green Smoothie - small container blueberries, bananas, whole head swiss chard, leaves off of broccoli and cauliflower, filtered water. I drank 1/2 of the entire Vitamix pitcher.

Snack: carrot, black raspberries handful, 1/4 of a medium watermelon

Lunch: Rest of the green smoothie.

Snack: Mango/Banana 'icecream' - 1 mango cut up, 3 frozen bananas in vitamix with a little water

July 4th Dinner: 1/4 of a medium watermelon, 5 organic corn on the cob raw, strawberry icecream - 3 frozen bananas, 3 frozen strawberries, a little water in vitamix

Hope you are all well.

xoxo michelle joy

Letters From Women

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

Weight Week Four: 250 lbs

Weight Week Five: 250 lbs

Week's Loss: 0 lbs

Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 5 weeks!

NEW GOAL EXPLAINED: My goal over the next few weeks is to make steady progress in eliminating binge eating, by working on eating more "moderately" by incorporating "gourmet" raw food into a predominantly 80-10-10 plan. My biggest 'binge' problems occur at work, so i'm going to be eating more heavy meals there in an attempt to ultimately eat 'less' because i won't be binge eating. My goal for the next few weeks is to stay the same weight. If I go up a few lbs from eating heavier nuts, breads and salt at work, i plan to even out during my off days by returning to my 80-10-10 based diet of mostly fruit, greens, low fat, low salt. I wish to focus on weight loss again when my eating at work 'regulates.' This way, i'll make more 'permanent progress,' as i won't be undoing all of my hard work by out of control behavior at the first gourmet thing i ingest. Hopefully, as the binge eating at work regulates, my choices will become lighter and lighter overall.

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Good morning, Ladies :-)))

Today is the day we get to hear from you! I have been blessed to hear from so many of you and I want to highlight several of the notes and comments that i have recently received. My heart goes out to those of you that suffer with binge eating.

about my day yesterday first and the overall concept...and then we'll hear from you!
I don't know if what i'm attempting to do over the next few weeks is wise. Something tells me i'm doing the right thing, especially since yesterdays eating at work was so calm, so 'normal', so in control. I think that is a much better place to be, in control, than out of control. At least now i can be free to make better choices for myself, instead of feeling compelled to eat even more and not even enjoy it.

permission is freeing
There is something to say for giving ourselves permission to eat something even if we feel 'intellectually' it's not good for us. Emotionally/spiritually, we must need it. What i mean is, something is not right within us if we allow ourselves to fly out of control. Something is not right. There is an inner disconnect.

Binge eating to me has always been this out of control force/tornado/compulsion that just starts and won't stop.

But, i saw yesterday that it CAN be reigned in and calmed and settled and well, almost eliminated, just by STOPPING HIDING, STOPPING SNEAK eating, sitting down, being hungry, tasting the food and enjoying it.

It seems so curiously simple, the antidote to stopping it. Allow yourself to eat. Sit down. Write it down. Enjoy it. Listen to yourself.

nuts for nuts
The fact that i chose all nuts and dehydrated foods is worrysome, but is probably just a reaction to what i've been doing in my diet for so many weeks and months now, just eating fruit, and it's my way of saying that i need some pleasure in my life, too. Even though it may not be the healthiest thing for me, it's a lot healthier, physically and psychologically than binge eating.

progress, not perfection
80-10-10 is the perfect diet.

As a binge eater, i'm obviously not ready for the perfect diet.

I need to work my way there. And this is my attempt.

My hope is that as the 'binge eating' at work regulates, i will be more and more in touch and in tune and i'll make lighter and lighter choices, because, yes, lighter food does feel better in a sense and does make my body less bloated and less gassy and weigh less. Those are nice things.

in touch with me
Being in touch with my 'hunger' and my 'inner intuition' is new. I think as binge eaters we are out of touch with this 'voice.'

I know for a long time, i've been listening to Carlene Jones of http://www.rawfoodbootcamp.com/ for diet guidance on how to lose weight faster with raw:

Mostly fruit, 1 banana, no dates/agave, no salt, greens, veggies, nothing dehydrated, 10percent fat in the form of nuts, avocado, olive oil

and to Doug Graham:

Unlimited bananas, fruit, greens, little fat in the form of nuts, avocado

and to Arnold. God bless him, i LOVE Arnold, and when i hadn't lost weight and in fact began to gain after i'd worked at Arnolds Way for a year, he helped guide me daily to eat more fruit and less fat and indeed, i saw the pounds begin to melt off:

Arnold is all about the 80-10-10 diet

But, the one person i haven't been listening to....is ME.

Arnold and Doug and Carlene all give fantastically healthy advice, but if the minute i ingest something 'off' program results in immediate out of control binge eating on gourmet, something is not right.

When i listened to myself yesterday and just 'made' it okay with myself to eat anything, i ate less. Listening to me helped me eliminate binge eating yesterday. So far, i've not gotten from Doug or Carlene a way to stop binge eating permanently.

What i'm doing now is unorthodox for a fruitarian diet, but i've never read any binge eating literature from fruitarian sources.

Instead, what i hear is a lot of women suffering the same thing as i have been. Some women it's almost exact. "i do so well on fruit. now i can't stop eating."

I assumed I was a food addict and that nuts and salt and dehydrated foods were just my drugs and i had better stay on 80-10-10 forever. Well, that's one solution that may work for many people, it may even work for me some day. But, i still like the pleasure of going to a gourmet raw restaurant every once in a while and feeling guilt ridden and unable to stop eating for days or weeks afterwards is not my idea of healthy, mentally or physically.

moderation
The binge eating literature that i have read has led me to believe that including pleasure foods in the diet (for raw vegan for me that would be: fatty, nutty, dehydrated, salty) reduces binge eating. If yesterday says anything, it says that plain and clearly. My diet may have been a little too heavy yesterday, but i have confidence that can be refined. The overall goal was to eat less, eat more calmly, in control, not binge, and i was able to do that.

Angela Stokes-Monarch's diet speaks volumes to me in terms of her ability to eat moderately from the vegetable world, the fruit world and the fatty/salty/dehydrated worlds. She is maintaining a 140 lb weight loss, is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, a natural beauty who doesn't look like she was ever fat, and i'd like to be where she is, and her diet includes foods from all of the raw worlds. I keep up with her diet in her blog and it includes lots and lots of green juices, some fruit, supplements, and also includes regular treats (raw bread, nutspread, icecream). She's found a balance that works for her.

Angela's new book 'Raw Emotions' is going to come in handy on this journey, i feel. From what i've read in it, alot of the work to be more like her...is to become more in touch and in tune with ones self.

tune in
How in tune and in touch are we when binge eating???

Yesterday, it was a struggle to feel hunger and question it and not believe it. What a difficult job we have of self-parenting. All new parents struggle, so it's to be expected, it will be hard at first, but i never realized i was so out of touch with me and my desires.

self parenting
A binge to me is one part of me saying that i WANT something i've long denied myself. And the other part of me saying that i CANNOT have it. And that first part of me STOMPING my foot that i want it, and that i will have it, and that second part of me shaming me for eating it.

I assumed a binge was a chemical reaction to the salt or the fat. Like it is with an alcoholic and alcohol. But after yesterday, my viewpoint is changing slightly.

It's kind of like a parent who denies their kid sunshine, so he runs away to be in the sun all day and gets a full body sun burn. What about allowing the kid a few hours a day? Sometimes children who are so restricted, rebel.

Is that what the binge is all about? Restriction leading to rebellion? That is what the binge eating literature supports.

And I found that if i ALLOW myself, at least at work, to eat what i want, i ate LESS. This is self parenting of a more liberal nature. Not so all-or-nothing perfectionistic, causing intense rebellion.
i'm still nuts for nuts
Nuts, salt, dehydrated foods are not inherently bad, i don't think. I, in fact, love them, i just don't think they are the best for weight loss for me from my experience. But, in small quantities, they are fine and good in a more moderate raw diet.

PURE RAW JOY
Wouldn't that be nice? To stop bingeing, to include pleasure foods in the diet in moderation, and to still lose weight? THIS IS MY DREAM!!!

Let's hear from you, ladies, and what your experience has been:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

LETTERS FROM WOMEN

From Shawna
Your pure honesty is such a touching inspiration! You and I have never met. I have read about you in Arnold's e-mail updates. What do I want to say? Hmmm. . .so many thoughts. . .words. You see, I too suffer from food addiction. I have had bulimia since I was eleven, probably longer, I have always believed I was born a food addict. Today, I am a 35 year old woman sinking in emotional eating. Since this past November, have been transitioning to a raw food lifestyle. On raw days I can go binge-purge free, however non raw days always end up down the tolit! I too, notice even on raw days, certain raw foods set off my triggers. . .I should say deactivate my body's natural ability to know what is full and satisfied. I thought if I was raw I would no longer struggle with binging, and in my case purging. I have been feeling like a raw failure and giving into cooked food. I need to stop feeing sorry for myself! I need to be honest with my hearts song. . .and give up cooked foods once and for all! I need to identify my emtional triggers and take control of the life I am misssing. You have awakened the fight inside of my soul! I am not a raw failure. I am an emotional eater, a food junky. . .but a kicking one! I feel alot less alone today. Your blog is a gift to me. Your honesty. Your ability to be vulnerable. Your beautiful, Michelle Joy! Emotional eating is something others battle every day. You have shown me even a raw foody can battle this sometimes embarressing, guilt ridden, shameful cycle. . .yet you have demonstrated such courage and strength facing emotional eating head on! I cannot say thank you enough! Forgive me for rambling. . .so many thoughts. . .so many words. . .you give me hope with your grace. . .thank you! I look forward to following and supporting you on your journey to "PURE RAW JOY"

Another follow up note from Shawna
Hello Michelle!

This will be short, as I have to zoom to work. OMG! I just read yesterdays blog page. Let me say I loved reading the letters from other followers of your blog! We are not as alone as I so often feel. . .thank you for continuing to share! I wanted to also thank you for including one of my letters. I wish this didn't have to be so short but I am a bit behind today. . .I just had to say THANKS before I busted!

Quickly, I had two beautifully clear binge free raw days! I was so happy. I crashed and burned yesterday after work. I was being very willful and didn't look for support. Today is a new day!

I think it is great you are in the grey! Hopefully this new shade of grey will create a new kind of rainbow in your life. . .with a pot of gold and weight loss at the end!

Be Happy and Well!


From Jess
I am a customer at Arnold's and have met you before (your hummus is amazing). In a about a year I have lost 130 pounds going from 275 to 145. I did not do a raw diet, but I also have very similar binging problems. I found then when I just told myself that of course I'm allowed to have anything I want, and that it will always be there, my urges to binge stopped. As soon as I tell myself that I "can't" have something, the cravings return. Try thinking about it this way: Gourmet raw meals will always be available, and you are absolutely "allowed" to have them, you just have to decide what will make you feel physically and mentally good. It takes a while, but being able to walk away from a binge is a powerful thing. Good luck.

From Jess Again
Hey again, It's hard getting used to the whole "moderation" thing, but trust me it does get easier. Keep going!


From Connie
I love the honesty of your blog. I have many of the same issues you have. I would love to have you join us at Naked Food Cafe community forum. It is a low fat raw vegan online community. Low key, no drama, super supportive bunch of fruit eaters. I am glad I found your blog this morning as I am reading blogs and facebook because I cannot sleep becuase i went on a binge myself this week. :( We will find a way to break these habits. We will. :) Love & Sunshine!


From Rebecca
I think moderation can exist. You may not know which "voice" you're listening to yet, but it's important to feel satisfied by your food--nourished. If you are constantly denying yourself... that seems unhealthy to me. But I realize there are goals you set and want to follow them. For me, I think I started being more unhealthy (in my mind) trying to keep on 100% raw than I am (in my body) when I eat half a fish burrito when I feel like it. You will find your groove.


From Suzanne
thank you for writing about this. It takes courage and perseverance to look this in the face, analyze it, and even name it. Calling it "the grey zone" is so helpful-thank you. ultimately this is where we have to live--and the tricky part of food addiction. Your website and this post in particular are helpful and generous to those of us trying to follow a similar path. Your weight loss does not belong to anyone else- you cannot let anyone down, but thank you for being willing to share your story.


From Violet http://fruityveganviolet.blogspot.com/
eat more fruit babe xx


From Cassendre http://www.cassendrexavier.com/
i printed out all the pages from your blog's current URL and read them yesterday. it's so helpful to read about other people's journeys. i identified with some of the things you're going through - the resistance to pleasure/joy, eating compulsively/abusively, and the connection between emotions and balanced eating.

writing is very therapeutic for me. when i wrote "Expanding Your Capacity for Joy: A Raw Vegan Comfort Book, Sourcebook, and Journal", and released it at Essene...., a total stranger bought a copy from me in person and renewed my belief in myself. i also got a great gift from a friend who said, "it sounds like you met your goals just in writing the book, so it's already a success". that's true, because i wrote the book for myself....i do carry it with me every day all the time, and by osmosis it is helping me on my raw journey.

for example, when i was preparing to write it, i was spiritually called to visit Arnold's Way. i went there, found and bought the last copy of Angela's book "RawReform" about losing weight on raw for compulsive eaters. this book was the first one that told me that i should really address my food addiction. i never made the connection before that this would be sabotaging my raw efforts. i carry it arround me all the time now, too.

the day after i got that book, i looked up Overeaters' Anonymous meeting in philly, and over the next couple of weeks, mustered up the gumption to go...

my point is that i'm on my path and healing and dealing with my food issues and my raw journey in my own way.

i'm glad to hear your blog will be a book. i'm sure it will help lots of people. i'll buy it!

yes, i believe people like you and i are here to share our stories and add to the canon that is becoming the raw vegan literature world. just as there was nothing before and then a few books and now an entire recovery "movement" so also this must and will there be for the raw world, beginning, i think, with Victoria Boutenko's book on ending your addiction to cooked foods.

re: OA. i didn't ever go to many meeting or stay for long over time because i couldn't relate to or want to do certain things: weighing my food, etc. i also agree that it creates a mindset of "oh i'm always going to be a prisoner of this condition" and so forth. but i am using it so far to get some support and yes, i agree that for me cooked food is the culprit and that completely giving that up has been the issue.

i mean, i still overeat when i'm all raw, but it never hurts me that much.


From Holly
I just do no understand why I now find it so difficult to eat all raw. I ate gluten last night and thought I would have to go to the hospital. I had a VERY severe reaction. I knew I was sensative but I did not know to what degree. The main reason I started eating cooked foods was because I was concerned about getting diabetes. I was concerned my pancrease was working overtime. I still have not had real sugars. Do you ever have honey, stevia, or xylitol?

I MUCH prefer eating all raw. I just had started to feel strange as of late because of eating too much [fruit] sugar. I am now starting to gain weight. This is alarming for me. True, everyone would say I need to gain weight because I am very skinny. However, I feel unwell when I even gain a few pounds. I love the feeling of hgaving an empty stomach. I am tired of having a stuffed stomach and being tired. Again, the reason I started eating less fruit was because I was concerned about how my body was reacting. I was getting high from the fruit sugar. Do you find it better if you just stick to one type pf fruit per meal? Also, are you concerned about protein? What do you take for vitamins?

I just feel out of control. This is rather silly because I was all raw for so long. My problem was that I was eating the exact same thing every day. I was eating fruit and then a salad at night with some avocado. It got really boring. Maybe you can enlighten me with recipies. So you are not at all concerned when you eat hundreds and hundreds of grams of sugar each day? I have had a craving for spices and salt. That has really thrown me for a loop. I cannot tolerate them. In fact, I had stomach issues if I eat them.

It seems as if my willpower is gone. I was so much happier eating all raw. Preparing meals was as easy as throwing fruit in my bag. I was NEVER tempted to eat anything that was not raw. I pray that I will be able to return to all raw. I still need to chew my food well. I also worry about cavities. I should get Dr. Graham's book but it is so expensive. When I was eating lots of fruit and totally raw I felt like I could take on the world. I had this innate confidence. Just recently all of the fruit sugar started to make me feel strange. Please let me know your thoughts.

I desperately want that self-control and confidence back. It is terrrible worrying about bingeing and eating cooked foods. It downright sucks. I have not gained weight in ages. Tomorrow, I vow to go all raw again because of your inspiration. I definitely need to eat my avocados again and be done eating by 7 pm. Thank you for the inspiration. I guess I just need to know that eating that much sweet fruit and sugar is not bad for me. do you have any idea what is causing the strange feelings and compulsions to eat more fruit sugars? Thank you, Michelle, for being in my life. Thank you so much for always being there and listening! You are the best! Maybe we can meet each other some day! That would be awesome. Love you!


From Carlene Jones, www.rawfoodbootcamp.com
Losing the weight is the easy part! It is maintaining it for life that becomes hard. The new program is geared toward a reality based diet where you can get the benefits of a healthy clean diet and not worry about how you will maintain it in the future. The diet you create is the diet you will use for the rest of your life without worry or fear because it is based on who you are. Raw is great Michelle, but most obese women cannot do it for life. What good is it to lose the weight only to gain it back?

Over the past three or so years I have helped women lose thousands of pounds. Few have kept it off. Why? because we are great at diets, we just suck at maintenance. We know how to diet and we know how to gain weight.

Now I work to get women to learn moderation, come to terms with their food addictions, and find a balanced diet they can live on without that sense of deprivation or food prison, as many women at camp called low fat raw. I am teaching all obese men and women how to live happily and healthfully on a diet that suits them as individuals.

Although most have come to the program with the desire to be 100% raw, not one of the new women are doing it because they found balance in a part raw program that they can do without too much effort, and surprisingly to even me, they are dropping the weight just as fast.

The first two weeks are the hardest as long term dieters are forced to eat foods they have been afraid of for most of their life. You know, real food, not diet food.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

pain and hope
So much pain out there. Yet there is so much hope.

Look, we can all figure this out. Cooked or raw or a combination, 80-10-10 or gourmet or a combination, we all need to find what works for us.

If I can do it, you can. I was the worst binge eater at 425 lbs. To a great extent giving up cooked food alleviated most of the binge eating for me, but not all of it. As Carlene says, we have to find out own perfect diets.

Much love to you all.

keep in touch
I need and crave hearing from you. Sorry i have not been able to comment on the comments you have left on the blog. I seriously don't know how. I think it's easy, but there doesn't seem to be a way to leave individual comments for each comment, i don't get it. Help.

xoxo michelle joy

HOW MY DAY AT WORK WENT - learning how to moderate 'gourmet' and stop binge eating!!!

MY DAY AT WORK SHOWS IMPROVEMENT

MY INTUITION...SPOKE TO ME...AND THIS IS WHAT IT SAID!
Okay, so....on my way to work in the car today, i was dreaming about what raw gourmet meal i was going to have today...and i wanted one THEN...like i couldn't WAIT....and then it dawned on me, why do i have to just have one? I said to myself:

"Heck, if i've been eating the equivalent of 5-6 entire meals in one BINGE, then why am i now only allowing myself ONE meal of gourmet TOTAL ALL DAY, when what i want is 5 or 6? Why can't i eat, say, 3, for example, calmly, savoring the food, and just aim to eat LESS gourmet OVERALL? I obviously want MORE than ONE."

Honest to God, i have NO idea if what i was contemplating to do was even a GOOD or BENEFICIAL idea, but on my way into work, craving something gourmet already at 10 o'clock in the morning, and unable to choose between 2 or 3 things i wanted, it made sense to me. If i had a FEW gourmet meals, it would PROBABLY be LESS than the 5-6 meals i've been hysterically ingesting in the heat of a secret binge all in a row.

HOW THE DAY PLAYED OUT - TRYING TO LISTEN TO MY HUNGER...AND JUST EAT WHAT I WANTED...AS LONG AS IT WAS A "MEAL"!
Before work, i had taken a 40 mins walk, yay, i felt good and positive and not depressed, rather dare i say, a bit 'liberated'??? After walking i had 3 glasses of lemon water and 2 swigs of raw noni juice.

When I got to work, i was hungry. And i wanted "lunch" right away. So, listening to myself, "lunch" is what i had. I made myself a few nori wraps with some avocado and a little celtic salt. I enjoyed them seated. Yay. Mission accomplished. No nagging binge thoughts. I was at peace. Wow.

I vowed that i would eat MEALS today, no matter what they contained, and that i would not worry about how fatty or salty they were. i would only vow to eat them seated and enjoy them.

That was alot easier in some ways than i thought it would be, but later in the day harder. I'll explain later.

Anyway, some time soon, i realized i was hungry again and had a small banana whip and a half, which did the trick and i was no longer hungry. I was thirsty alot and drank a lot of water and a few coconut waters.

I wasn't hungry again until dinner time, when i craved greens, so i made myself a big salad and realized i didn't even 'want' a gourmet dressing, and just fixed my traditional '80-10-10 salad' with no salt, 1 tbsp of raw tahini mixed with a little water, lemon juice, garlic and tons of greens and chopped veggies. It was good. I enjoyed it.

I expected that to satiate me for a while, but was hungry 45 mins later, which really perplexed me. On fruit i never question my hunger. On 'gourmet', i constantly doubt it, fear it, can't imagine i could be hungry. Now that i write this, i see i hadn't eaten much for hours and that i was working all day and was no doubt hungry after a salad containing only a little fat. I think learning how to listen and respond to myself even if it doesn't 'make sense' is going to be freeing.

So, to answer my hunger, I decided to eat what i 'wanted' instead of what was good for me and had 5 oz of nutspread on 2 slices of bread. It sounds less intimidating in black and white than it felt. i really felt like i was doing a bad thing, but kept telling myself, that since i was seated, and enjoying it, at least it was no longer a SECRET, or a BINGE, it was just a meal. Maybe a heavy meal. But it was a meal. And THAT was a HUGE improvement.

The problem came at 7:30pm when i felt hungry again and believed it could not be true that i could be physiologically hungry like 2 hours later after just having eaten all of that nutspread, but...alas, i was. I had worked a 10 hour day, been up since a little after 5 a.m., and i was hungry.

As i am not used to this 'trusting' myself, 'trusting' my hunger, i 'snuck' ate 2 slices of raw bread with white sauce (cashew/sunflower/nama shoyu).

The third peice i 'came out of the closet' and had it with white sauce and tomatoes, eaten seated and enjoyed it very much.

GOURMET MEALS INSTEAD OF A GOURMET BINGE, A NEW EXPERIENCE!!!
This was all a new experience for me, having MEALS instead of a a BINGE. I liked the way it felt. i felt NORMAL.

Yes, I ate heavy meals. Lighter meals are best for weight loss, but i'm kind of in a phase now of trying to just STOP binge eating. If 'legalizing' gourmet food will take the intense CHARGE out of it for me and reduce or eliminate binge eating, then i think i'm on the right track. Ultimately, i will lose more if i don't binge, than if i eat like a bird only to explode in out of control binges whenever i touch gourmet.

HEAVIER FOOD/LIGHTER FOOD
Over the next few days at home, i do hope to eat lighter. Home has not been much of an issue for me as of late in the binge eating department. Rather, it has all centered around work. Work in a busy raw kitchen. But, hopefully, at home the next few days i can kind of lighen up, return to lots of fruit and greens and clean out.

KITCHEN WORK CHALLENGING FOR A FOOD ADDICT
Fairburn's book suggests if we have a binge eating disorder, we might want to CHANGE JOBS if we work in a kitchen. Do alcoholics do best running a bar?? Then a food addict would do best NOT to keep herself in a place where she is being constantly bombarded by her drug.

For now, though, this is where i'm at and i'm working to improve my reaction to being there.

WEIGHT GAIN FEARS
And we'll see where this 'legalizing' takes me.

One thing for sure, i refuse to gain significant amounts of weight. I'm going to keep weighing myself every so often to kind of get a sense of how this is all playing out, I'm going to continue walking, i'm going to pull back when i can and eat lighter when i can.

*note: This morning, after i noted that i gained nearly 6 pounds, i ended up having a 2nd b.m. and gained only 4.5.

After today, i don't know what my weight will be tomorrow. I'm a little scared. But, I am liking only 'officially' weighing in once a week as i don't have to keep demoralizing myself by switching my 'total lost' all of the time. It takes a good deal of the pressure off. I am hoping, however, that i have not put on even more weight.

Nevertheless, what's done is done and tomorrow we'll deal with tomorrow.

EXCITEMENT OVER PROGRESS
The important thing about TODAY was that i ate MEALS. And guilt did not hound me too badly. And i felt good about being able to almost completely STOP BINGE EATING at work.

Today was maybe one of the first days where i wasn't all the way on the one extreme doing 80-10-10 perfectly, nor all the way to the other extreme binge eating 6 meals in a row in secret, but somewhere in the middle. yippee. i think that's improvement.

I'm excited about it.

MEANS TO AN END
Naturally, i'm not too thrilled to feel bloated and gassy from nuts/raw bread. And i'm not thrilled to have reflux in the larynx, my delicated vocal cords, and i'm not thrilled to gain weight, but i think this is all a MEANS TO AN END.

It's unfortunate the things i LIKE and binge on....don't like ME very much...but i'm hoping the more IN TUNE i become, the more i will be able to make BETTER CHOICES for my meals.

It's a process, but i feel as if i've started something good and worthwhile today.


FOOD /ACTIVITY - i had 5 meals total today, mostly eaten sitting down and enjoyed, not 'binge eaten'. that is enormous improvement. the last 2 days at work i had 5-6 meals as a BINGE, plus other meals throughout the day. Today i only had 5 meals, total! Wow!!! Uy, wish me luck not gaining too much...and with getting in lighter fare while i'm home the next few days....until i work again on tuesday.

• BREAKFAST:3 glasses lemon water, 2 shots noni juice
• WALK: 40 mins
• WORK: at work from 10a.m. to 8pm, a 10 hour day!
• EARLY LUNCH: 10:30 a.m. 2 nori wraps (2/3 of an avocado pulse chopped with s blade in cuisinart with assorted veggies (tomato, red pepper, zucchini, carrot, garlic, spinach, mushroom, celery, onion) wrapped in 2 nori wraps.
• LIQUID: 4 glasses lemon water, 1 pm - 2 coconut waters
• SNACK: 2pm - 1.5 small carob whips
• DINNER: 5pm - Large salad of spring mix, chopped veggies, 1/2 lemons juice, 2 tbsp nutritional yeast, 1 clove garlic chopped, 1 tbsp tahini mixed in a little water as dressing. pretty good.
• SNACK: 5:45p.m. - 2 slices raw bread with 5 oz of maya's garlic onion cashew/almond spread. yum. worrysome about the salt and the bloating, but tried to be ok with it.
• SNACK: 7:30p.m. - 3 slices raw bread with white sauce and veggies

Blessings,

xoxo michelle joy

Pillow Talk!

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

Weight Week Four: 250 lbs

Weigh In Week Five - Thurs, July 2, 2009 : 250 lbs

Week's Loss: 0 lbs

Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 5 weeks!

NEW GOAL: To work on eating more "moderately" by incorporating "gourmet" raw food into a predominantly 80-10-10 plan. To ultimately stay the same weight for the next several weeks. To work on eliminating binge eating, and not focus on weight loss until my eating 'regulates.'

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

PHYSICAL EFFECTS AFTER GOURMET BINGE

- less sleep

- foul gas

- bloating from salt and excess food in gut

- reflux laryngitis

- thirsty

- hot (raised body temperature to digest heavy foods overconsumed)

- weight gain (i unofficially weighed myself and gained 5 3/4 lbs) (water retention from salt adds weight, and dehydrated foods take longer to move through system)


SLEEP CHANGES
Morning all, I'm up very early this morning, surprisingly cheery, snapping pictures away while still in bed! I did not sleep very much last night. That seems to be a pattern when i have binged before on gourmet. It either effects my body in that i don't NEED as much rest, or that sleep is just VERY POOR after a binge.

On 80-10-10, i usually sleep at least 7, 8 hours. I think the body is in a very 'healing' mode then and the repair being done uses a lot of energy.

~ ~ ~ ~

BINGE PROOFING WORK!
GAME PLAN NUMERO UNO

Eat 80-10-10 all day. Do not restrict bananas. No salt. Only a little fat. Go back to what works.

GAME PLAN NUMERO DUE

Learn the RIGHT way to moderate. Eat ONE GOURMET RAW MEAL FOR LUNCH, WHATEVER I DESIRE, REGARDLESS OF FAT OR SALT CONTENT, EATEN SITTING DOWN, SAVORED and ENJOYED. Unlimited fruit and veggies the rest of the day, no other salt or fat.

Example:

Br: Green Smoothie
Sn: fruit or veggie snack
Lu: cheese burger, or garlic onion spread on bread with veggies, or large salad with slice of raw bread and raw gourmet dressing (eaten seated, savoring, calm)
Sn: whip

Sn: fruit

I am going to feel things out and see what i feel i need today to regain balance. I'll keep you informed!

A walk this morning is planned.

INSPIRATION FROM MY BLOG FRIEND, SHAWNA:

Loving the hat! Hand knit gifts are so wonderful to receive.

I was happy to read you were calmer after yesterday's binge at work. Just the fact that you had a calm awareness during your binge shows growth. Past binges seemed to be more out of control. I am just happy you did not beat yourself up over your indulging day of gourmet rawlicousness!

Hmmm. . .I don't know what to say about the weight loss side of things. Sometimes I worry that focusing on numbers can really set us up for an emotional roller coaster. I like the thought of getting the meal plans and binging under control before focusing on weight loss. Once healthy eating habits are established and the binging is under control, I imagine your body's inner sense will adjust to it's individual healthy weight. I personally need a meal plan. I am just working through a raw exchange program that works for me. . .since I no longer use the SAD plan.

I will be thinking of you today. If you have time before work maybe come up with a meal plan in the middle and see how that works today. You have the support of so many of us mucking our way through this disorder.

Sending thoughts of hope and peace,
Shawna

Thank you, Shawna! I will also WRITE MY FOOD DOWN TODAY AT WORK. I think THAT will help as well. We will get through this TOGETHER!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

The Cat in the Hat!

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

Weight Last Week: 250 lbs

WEEKLY WEIGH IN Thurs, July 2, 2009 : 250 lbs

Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 5 weeks!

NEW GOAL: 249 - only 1 lb away!!

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hello good people,

NEW HATS ARE FUN!
Do ya like my new hat? I love it! It was a gift from my boss, Arnold! Thank you, Arnold! Susie Beiler made it. I love it Susie, thank you! Susie and I have never met, but i know her name as she teaches holistic health classes all over philadelphia. Check out Susie's website at www.spectrumhealthconsulting.com. Isn't that cool? A health practitioner AND she's knits like a dream!

OFFICIAL WEIGH IN TODAY!
I weighed myself unofficially this morning and was delighted to discover i weighed 250. I was able to stay the same ultimately this week.

I have decided to use that as my official week's weigh in.

I had a bad day at work and since it's my blog and i make the rules, there you go! I won't weigh in tomorrow, Friday, as i had planned. I'll give myself a chance to recoup.

Food/Activity Today

• Liquid: 1 water with lemon and lime juice
• Liquid: 1 iced herbal tea unsweetened
• Exercise: 25 mins walk to Main Street and back
• Breakfast: giant green smoothie (3 bananas, 1 entire head of rainbow swiss chard, green grapes, water, ice)
• LUNCH: At work - hungry! 2 chopped salads of: mushrooms, ginger, 1 clove garlic, 1 Tbsp nutritional yeast, carrots, tomato, red pepper, zucchini, celery, broccoli. The first had 1/4 avocado. The second had 1 tsp of tahini
• Sn: 1 small banana whip (2 bananas) with cacao
• Liquid: 2 small coconut waters
• Sn: 1 salt free macademia/chickpea burger

• * 1/4 avocado

  *1/2 veggie steak

  * 5 peices of raw bread

  * 1/2 macademia/chickpea burger with white sauce on 1 slice raw bread

  * 5 oz maya's garlic onion dip and 2 peices raw bread

  * 1 awesome foods "meatball sandwhich"

• Liquid: 1 kombucha wonder drink
• Liquid: 1 glass lemon water

FOOD AT WORK...STILL AN ISSUE
I'm not feeling particularly depressed about today. Frustrated, perhaps, as it seems there is no middle of the road for me, eating wise, at Arnolds Way. I know i can follow 80-10-10 at work and stay in control marvelously, but if i give myself an 'inch,' and have something "off", i take a foot.

Maybe it's just too tempting an environment to have anything off of 80-10-10? All of that raw bread around, nut spread, awesome foods. Experience would say that i am not able to 'moderate' there. I have never been able to. It's either binge, or stay in perfect 80-10-10 control.

Either i'm just a food addict who needs to be on 80-10-10 or this moderating is going to be filled with lots of falling down flat on my face before i get it right.

A LESS FRANTIC ENERGY TO TODAYS BINGE
I really DID try to talk myself out of a binge today. I didn't feel such enormous panic this time when i started 'picking'. I was rather calm, which i saw as a huge improvement. I kept telling myself i didn't have to do this. But, i think i just ultimately kind of gave into it because of habit.

PLAN A GOURMET MEAL? It would work alot better than this.
It would have helped had i sat down for a meal. Perhaps if i am going to work on moderating, then i MUST plan ONE GOURMET MEAL at Arnolds Way SEATED EATEN SLOWLY and ENJOYED no questions asked, and that's that.

Either that, or i need to accept that i can't control myself, stay on 80-10-10 and make peace with it, and just be strict when i am there?

I will meditate on this.

~ ~ ~ ~
THE STILL SMALL VOICE WITHIN
I read something today in a holistic magazine about listening to ourselves, and how meditation can help us so much to control ourselves and to assist our 'highest selves' in taking control of us. It made a lot of sense. I used to meditate daily. I think that's a key elemend that's missing here. "Thinking" and "analyzing" and blogging is only so good. Sometimes a HIGHER power needs to take charge.

This moderating thing is too challenging for me to do 'on my own'.

I felt like when i was doing 80-10-10, that a higher power was kind of ruling over me. Things were going great, exciting, losing tons of weight, ease in sticking on the program, lots of praise for my ability to stick with something so extreme, so pure. It IS easy to stay on.

But, i don't feel that way anymore. I don't know who's ruling me. A person with rights who is demanding to get what she wants and deserves, just like everyone else, 'gourmet' tasty raw food... Or a rebellious spirit hell bent on ruining me???

TRADITIONAL EATING DISORDER TREATMENT
I guess it all depends on how you look at things. How one views food. Eating disorders are very complex and there are so many theories on how to treat them. Most theories center around not denying ones self 'pleasurable' foods.

My "Overcoming Binge Eating" book suggests this, "legalizing" foods as Dr. Fairburn states.

He also suggests that before trying to 'lose weight,' one must regulate one's eating first, and THEN work on losing weight, only after the eating has been normalized and regulated.

The book states that OVEREATING and BINGE EATING are two separate issues that need to be addressed separately. It kind of makes sense.

TREATING THE BINGE EATING FIRST
When i thought about eating that burger today, the voice in my head said "i have weigh in tomorrow! i'm trying to LOSE weight!" And then i decided wanting it was more important to me in the moment than losing weight. Had i eaten it and enjoyed it and been done with it not much damage would have been done today.

In trying to 'lose weight', perhaps it's too much pressure on me?

If i'm going to work on eating "normal" meals so i don't binge, perhaps i have to put weight loss out of my mind for a little while.

If i'd have had ONE MEAL of gourmet today instead of...how many?...the equivalent of 5 or 6 meals...i would ultimately fare much better. I might not have LOST weight tomorrow morning, but the binge eating would have calmed.

MEAL PLANNING?
Perhaps i need to start planning my meals at Arnolds Way if i'm going to go the gourmet 'moderation' route.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I work again.

xoxox michelle joy

It's a BRIGHT VIEW from here!

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

FRIDAY, June 26, 2009 WEIGH IN (new weeekly weighs on Fridays): 250 lbs

Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 4 weeks! (i was mistaken that it was 5 weeks, this is the fifth week)

NEW GOAL: 249 - only 1 lb away!!

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Well, i'm excited to report that i had a good vocal performance tonight. At least i didn't feel all the time like i was struggling or that my voice was doing things i didn't want it to do. I had a good warm up, but more importantly, i realized i've been singing with too much "breath pressure", or "pushing" instead of singing on the breath. it's something i'm going to have to continue to work on, but it was exciting tonight to feel MORE IN CONTROL of my singing. Yay!

Food went well today. I didn't even eat any salt. i didn't feel like i needed it. That was exciting.

I didn't feel well earlier and still felt a bit woozy, but was ok by later in the day for my performance. There is Alex Ramirez and me above! Alex is my accompanist. We did a program called "From Opera To Broadway" which consists of Puccini arias, Gershwin songs and piano solos, Rodgers and Hammerstein songs and piano solos, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Lerner and Lowe songs. It was a big success. Oh, did i forget to tell you our performance took place in a RETIREMENT HOME???!!!! "Bright View Senior Living" is a classy place. What, did you think i sang at the MET???? They LOVED us and said we were one of the best acts they've ever had and they can't wait to have us back. It's good practice singing for old folks and it really brightens their day. And music can be very emotional, very healing for old folks. They need stimulation and touch and rhythm. It was beautiful. I enjoyed it so much. Not only was the voice flowing, the energy was flowing. i felt good.

I'll write my food tomorrow!

I plan on doing a walk in the morning, since i haven't done one for 2 days on account of not feeling so well.

Wish me luck.

Love ya'll,
xoxo Michelle Joy

Scary Monsters!

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

FRIDAY, June 26, 2009 WEIGH IN (new weeekly weighs on Fridays): 250 lbs

Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 4 weeks! (i was mistaken that it was 5 weeks, this is the fifth week)

NEW GOAL: 249 - only 1 lb away!!

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Look at that big scary penis monster!!!! (It's just a TREE!!!...in the Redwood Forrest!)

UNOFFICIAL WEIGH IN SURPRISES RATHER THAN UPSETS
Okee-dokee. My attitude shifted drastically after weighing myself unofficially this morning. I was depressed upon waking up, did not want to walk and knew i had gained at least 6 lbs from the tahini salads i ate yesterday.

I weighed in at 250 3/4.

So, i've gone up a total of 3/4 since my last weigh in, but to me, that is like....a freakin' happy day and NOT a big deal and MUCH MUCH MUCH better than the 6 or 7 lb gain i expected this morning from 2 salads with salt and nutbutter dressing and so many bananas.

WOWEEE!

EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT....THOSE WERE THE DAYS!
You know, folks, I USED to be EASY GOING about raw food. I swear to you, i WAS!!!

Just ask my girlfriend, Jan. Hi Jan if you're reading this!!! Jan is my very dear close friend from California who i met at O.H.I, the raw retreat i stayed at, 2.5 years ago. Jan and i talk on the phone at least 1x a week and have since we met at the retreat. I LOVE YOU, Jan!!! (Jan is the one who told me about http://www.rawfoodbootcamp.com/.) During my first year at Arnolds Way, i ate like a pig, but my weight stayed in the 280's consistently seemingly NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ATE, whatever i pigged out on, raw bread, 10 slices for a snack, pate, wraps, whips, shakes, all day, ALL DAY. I never worried about my weight, NEVER. Everytime i spoke with Jan on the phone we'd no doubt enter into a discussion of how my weight and eating were playing out at Arnolds Way. For an entire year, every phone call we had included a dialogue such as this in such way, shape, or form:

Sample phone call:
"Hi Jan. It's Michelle. Yes, i still weigh the SAME!!!!!! Can you BELIEVE it???? It's been MONTHS. Yes. Yes! I know! Yes, i do! I eat WHATEVER i want ALL DAY! As long as it's raw! Even when i'm not hungry. I just pig OUT all day!! I know. I can't believe it either. It's freakin' FREAKY! It's like some weird chemical thing, like with Atkins diet or something. I NEVER gain weight, no matter how much I eat!!!!"

A day like YESTERDAY would have been a GREAT DAY back then.

What the HELL HAPPENED SINCE THEN????
Well, then i started gaining. I think my body had reached it's fill of raw fat after bingeing on it for nearly a year straight working at Arnolds Way.

Then i started up with 80-10-10ing and thank god because i started to lose again.

Then i got real filled with fear about gourmet. Because all gourmet was to me was a BINGE. When i ate it at Arnolds, it was NON STOP.

When i ate it after going off of 80-10-10, it was NON STOP THEN TOO. One BITE and zap! BINGE!!!

The only problem with eating gourmet AFTER 80-10-10ing was the weight gain that would accompany it....

Due largely, i SUPPOSE, to BINGE EATING GOURMET.

Well. So, Chicken Little did NOT fall from the sky yesterday, i had a salad for lunch and a salad for dinner, and the walls didn't cave in, so i'm so ready to move on from yesterday's experience....let's see what today will bring!!!!

SURPRISING MOOD LIFT
Suddenly everything awful i was thinking and feeling this morning doesn't really 'fit' because i didn't gain 6 lbs like i expected.

Ha ha...!!!!! That's pretty exciting!!!

I just have to add walking and i could probably MAINTAIN on a plan like this. A little salt? How lovely. A little more oil? Wow. Tahini dressing? Cashew butter dressing? All the bananas i want? Shit. Damn, that sounds GOOD.

TWO PROBLEMS WITH THIS HOWEVER
1) I WOULD like to lose more.

2) This way of moderating is SOOOOOOOO freakin' STRESSFUL!!!!!

I was filled with terror as I whimpered to Cliff last night after my salad that i felt my ankles blowing up already.

He looked at me like i was nuts and responded, "You worry too much!"

Well, it's not like i worry without REASON.

Well, um, well, well, there really was no reason to worry about last nights salad now that i see I didn't gain 6 lbs. Hmpf...

LEARNING HOW TO MODERATE AND NOT FREAK OUT WILL BE HARD
Maybe i'm so USED to HUGE gains from HUGE binges that i just don't KNOW/REALIZE what affect an average raw foodist salad will have on me.

I don't know where i'm going with this moderation thing, kids. We shall SEE!

I DO know i felt calmer on 80-10-10. Didn't worry nearly as much. Wasn't filled with fear and guilt.

But, then, i binged.

If THIS WAY truly ELIMINATES BINGEING?

Maybe i JUST HAVE to SUFFER through it!!!!!

Better to lose SLOWER and NEVER GAIN IT BACK AGAIN, than to YO-YO!

~ ~ ~ ~

CONTROL / MAINTENENCE ARE ISSUES WITH ME IN MY LIFE
The kitchen is messy again. It had been sooooooo CLEAN!! I hate daily maintence. I like BIG cleaning sessions that NEVER need to be looked after again. The only problem is, life is NOT like that. Time to do the dishes. [i did them]

I have a singing performance tonight. Wish me luck! I hope i don't have too bad reflux and that it will take me forever to warm up. worry, worry, worry! [i warmed up this morning. still need to do some more.]

My rehearsal went 'ok'. I wish i had more control over my voice. I do things i'm not happy with all of the time.

I wish i had more control over my eating. I do things i'm not happy with all of the time.

Practice....makes....perfect.

The more i practice this eating, the better i'll get. The more i practice my singing, the better i'll get. The better i do at daily maintence of my voice, of dishes, of food the better and easier things will get.

Suddenly, i dont' feel so badly this morning. Maybe i'm doin' okay? Maybe this really is....good and instructive...and therapeutic.

I'm meeting Cliffy with his breakfast outside. He's halfway done his bicycle ride and i'll head out for my walk. This time, for real. [uy. didn't feel good again today. a little dizzy. i did the dishes and just relaxed. no walk again.]

JUST IMAGINE
Tahini salads and walking. And lots of banana shakes.

If i could MAINTAIN 250-ish doing that, say, for the next 6 weeks, THAT would be an interesting, a very interesting experiment, would it not???

I would be growing in KNOWING my LIMITATIONS, knowing WHAT i can do, HOW FAR i can go.

I bet you i would NOT be so FILLED WITH FEAR at a salad with tahini dressing 6 weeks from now.

In terms of binge eating, i think, theoretically THAT WOULD calm it.

I mean, look at what i've BEEN doing. Very strict 'dieting' and then after the FIRST bite of a 'bad' thing, i am so riddled with guilt and fear that i DESTROYED everything, that i am compelled to go on and on and on into a binge....why not? i 'f'd up SO badly!

I ate a 1/2 veggie pattie the other day at work....and THAT set off a binge! A 1/2 of freakin' veggie burger pattie. Made from veggies and a little bit of cashew!

It kind of makes sense...when there is so much FEAR around food, and a mindset of TERROR at the first bite OFF PLAN, that it would produce a binge.

If i KNOW that a tahini salad with a tiny bit of salt or a few banana shakes a day is not going to DESTROY me....i think i'll eventually get calmer and calmer. Then i can really even CHOOSE if i want it, or not!

Wouldn't that be cool???

IT'S ALL A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
Well, so far in this blog, i've learned how to lose weight. That's cool.

I've learned how to still binge. That is not so cool.

And i'm learning how to moderate and maintain. And THAT is the most challenging of all.

BETTER NOW THAN LATER
But in the sentiment of Carlene Jones, founder of http://www.rawfoodbootcamp.com/, if none of her girls on the strict strict strict 1-banana, no agave, no dates, 80-10-10 plan have EVER KEPT THEIR WEIGHT OFF in the entire HISTORY OF BOOTCAMP, then it would BEHOOVE me to learn NOW to be more moderate, than to lose EVERYTHING STRICTLY....only to figure out LATER i don't know the FIRST thing about MAINTAINING and to GAIN IT ALL BACK!!

Why succumb to such drastic means of weight loss if they are doomed from the start? At least when i go 'off'' now, i don't have to be filled with terror at gaining 6 lbs from one salad. I've had the experience that it doesn't happen. Heh... Hehh! pretty freakin' cool!

You know what i love about Angela Stokes and Matt Monarch? They recognize a time for celebration and eat celebration food. They recognize a time for pulling back and go on juice feasts or fig feasts.

I was on a weight loss plan.

Now, I am on a little MODERATION feast now. And we're going to see where it leads me!!

No harm in staying 250ish for a few weeks to settle in here before i move on and say GOODBYE to 250 forever, is there?????

Time to open that "closet door" in the morning and realize that a pillow was NOT a monster, just a pillow.

A salad is just a salad and NOT a FORCE of DESTRUCTION.

And maybe I'm not such a force of destruction as i thought i was afterall!

Much love to you all. Keep those letters coming. This will be INTERESTING. stay tuned.

Some day this 'ol girl is going to be filled with LOTS 'o raw joy...and not just worry and fear!

FOOD/ACTIVITY
Breakfast: Shared banana smoothie with a touch of cacao with Cliff.

Activity: A whole lotta dishes. Feeling a little woozy still.

Liquid: 2 glasses of water

Snack: a handful of raspberries, a handful of red cherries.

Lunch: yummy chunky veggie salad. Recipe below.

Dinner: Strawberry/banana shake (frozen strawberries and bananas, water)

Activity: Concert! Wish me luck! [went well!]


RECIPE: "YUMMY CHUNKY VEGGIE SLAW"

In a big bowl, add the following:

• 3/4 cup of hand shredded green cabbage
• 1 carrot chopped
• 1/2 zucchini chopped
• 1 clove garlic, chopped fine
• 1/4 cup red bell pepper sliced
• 1/2 cup broccoli florets chopped
• 1/4 cup spicy fresh mustard greens hand shredded
• handful of fresh basil, slivered
• juice of 1.5 juicy limes
• black pepper
• 1 tbsp of tahini or cashew butter or a combo mixed in 1/8 cup of water to
  form a nut milk
• 1 heaping Tbsp of nutritional yeast

Hand blend and enjoy!!!

xoxoxo michelle joy