HAPPY IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES IS THE GOAL

"Cravings are going to occur to you. So here's the rule of thumb about eating, or about investing in the stock market, or about anything else: If the impulse comes from a joyous thought that feels good, follow it. If the impulse comes from an uncomfortable thought that felt bad, don't follow it."
--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Excerpted from the workshop in Portland, OR on Saturday, July 13th, 2002 # 327

Sunday, Jan 22, 2012. Compulsive eating feels like a thing of the past. It's been well over a week...maybe two weeks and I have been totally binge free, easily effortlessly vegetarian, eating meals sitting down savoring with Cliff, happily waiting for hunger, eating what i want and stopping when I've had enough, thrilled to be enjoying former binge foods as if they were never emotionally loaded - they've just lost their power over me. I just feel so blessed. I'm enjoying food more than ever, don't allow myself to feel bad about anything I've eaten, or overeaten, though overeating is more and more infrequent. I work at being totally guilt-free about food. This once completely out of control voracious binge eater now has self control, and confidence that binge eating is a thing of the past. I've lost some weight (my clothes are baggier! I feel lighter!). I've lost the obsession with food, don't experience obsessive food-thoughts or preoccupation with weight or with what i've eaten or should eat. Quite simply, I am experiencing a profound new unbelievable freedom around food (and living). THIS is what i'd been searching for.

- - - -

Yesterday, we went to Govindas for lunch. The desire to go to Govindas was a "joyful thought that felt good" like it says above. I was very hungry, we were in the neighborhood. That mock chicken cheese steak was so delicious. The eating experience was such a positive one. It was nothing like the last few times I have eaten there, where my compulsion for food overtook me, I was so needy, I sought comfort in Govindas amazing vegetarian faire, I ordered enough for 3 and scarfed it all shamefully, I left hating myself, berating myself, and continued to binge elsewhere.

It was SO different yesterday. So wonderfully different.

What I've been doing...

I read my daily email messages that i receive from http://www.abraham-hicks.com/ as if they were bible verses and i was a born again Christian. I meditate on them, I try to live what they teach, I try to understand them and apply them. I get so much from them! Thank you, my dear friend, Joy, for pointing me in this direction!

I now fully accept and know, deep down, that I will never overcome binge eating and obesity so long "as I soothe myself with food." Finally I "get it." I thank Esther Hicks for this teaching, and Joy for sending me the audio that really brought the message home. I included in the last blog. Let me know if you cannot download it. I'll send you a copy.

My new motto is: I soothe MYSELF! I no longer look to food to soothe me.

Case in point. Twice I went to the snacks cabinet at my moms house feeling needy and awful and just wanting to binge. I looked inside and saw all of the goodies I could eat! I took a survey: I wanted the whole bag of raisin muffins, 1 would never be enough, several packs of cheese crackers, oreos, potato chips, Lorna Doone cookies. My family would notice it all missing. Awareness overcome me. I was nervous about my singing practice. I turned away from the food knowing that soothing with food...is pointless. There is never enough food to do the job - I always want more and always walk away from the experience feeling sickeningly stuffed - but profoundly empty.

I now know that food is not love and food is not satisfaction or fullness or comfort or love or peace or relaxation or confidence or fun. I know now I can only get these things....from myself!

In those desperate moments when i want to eat, there's something troubling me and I've learned to create a lot of distraction around what bothers me by being caught up in the terrific negative insanity of guilt/judgement/fear around food and weight.

Today, i remedy what's ailing me by facing it. Today, I stop runnning.

Once i do, the desire to binge evaporates, and it's not even like i "do" something specifically comforting like a bath or do my nails or hug a teddy like therapists tell you.

I'm finding that in just walking away, I receive comfort in a very real and very deep way. It's the best self care I can give myself. I now know that food is not love. I forget about food, and just go do something else...

It's not uncommon for me to want to soothe with food when i'm nervous about singing. I look in the fridge, i realize i have to sing in two days... There I go again. I walk away, and the spell is lifted.

I now understand that DIETING is NOT the answer. From years and years and years of failed food plans, I know that the pendulum always swings back from a diet, meaning, I always end up wanting what the diet says i can't have and always end up going off. On and off, find a new diet, on and off, find a new diet. From experience, I know I can never stay ON a diet and always binge out of diets, so what is the point of going on one ever again?

Instead of weighing 500 lbs like i thought i would after giving up dieting, i weigh less than i did 2 weeks ago, without any effort. Incredible. The only effort is in changing my mindset.

I also no longer look to diets as the answer to feeling "better about myself." Losing weight can never make me feel better about myself, because my self esteem will always be caught up in my weight.

I finally realize that "feeling better about myself" WAS the work and that that had to come first. Since I figured that out, I feel SO MUCH better about me, not "because" of how i'm eating or how i'm exercising, or how much I weigh. I feel so much better about me, because i decided to.

I also trust that dropping the weight will follow all of this self acceptance, like they say it will, and now that i see it happening, i have such renewed confidence in this new way day after day.

If I can help other people suffering from binge eating, it would be such a blessing.

I used diets because they finally allowed me to "like" myself and "feel good" about myself. I was so out of touch with my true feelings about what was really disturbing me. All of that got funneled into feeling bad about ME. Then, I followed the rules, and I was a good girl on the diet! A return to binge eating awoke the ugly shameful ogre. I used binge eating to speak for me. But it never told the truth. "I'm so out of control with food! I need to be controlled!," I yelled. The truth is closer to: "I don't know who i am and how i feel about anything. I'm out of touch with myself. I learned to beat myself up instead of speak up."

On the diet and off, the pendulum swung back and forth - self worth - no self worth - self worth - no self worth.

With every failed plan, i learned to trust myself less and less. I'd turn to "what other people think" I should eat (diets). I never learned to ask myself. I was weakened by every diet, by every failure. Each one beat me down lower and lower and lower.

Having your self worth attatched to a diet or a weight is a very destructive thing.

Binge eating was all about grabbing up what i couldn't have on the diet. Figuratively, it was my assertion that "I wanted it all" and "I wanted to be the one to make MY choices, MY decisions! Fuck that diet and all of its rules and regulations. Who says I can't do what i want? I'll show you!"

Ironically, now that i allow myself to have WHATEVER I WANT foodwise, suddenly I want only vegetarian! I'm just gravitating to desiring those foods.

Watching "Forks Over Knives" has lit a fire to lean towards veganism. I have my eye on the goal.

I stopped eating meat effortlessly. I never told myself i would. It was my number one binge food.
I know i can have it now. I just don't WANT IT!

It will never again be about what he says or she says on this or that plan. It's about what "I" say. I'm in control now. I make the rules.

I know that as I stay on this journey, my body size will continue to shrink effortlessly. I'm loving myself into thinness.

I know that i am worthy of love no matter what. I repeat this to myself all day. I am worthy of loving myself when I'm eating raw. I am worthy of love when i'm eating a bowl of dog food, weighing 350, or 150, when i'm eating more than i think I should, or more than you think i should.

Knowing I'm worthy of love and happiness no matter what, even though i'm fat, or poor, or sloppy, or blind in one eye, or have stretch marks, is such a new place. I look in the mirror and blow kisses at myself instead of make ugly hateful faces at myself. I love my fat hips. I'm shapely! I have always loved people who love and accept themselves no matter what. Now I am one of them!

I monitor my emotional/mental state all day and make sure it is set to "happiness mode." I no longer focus attention on the contents of my lunch (judging myself good or bad by what i've eaten) or on my weight. What i eat or what i weigh no longer provides esteem/happiness/self-value. I get my value from finally loving myself, from loving myself because I decided to.

If i am not feeling happy and worthy, I notice and get that way quickly! Or expel if i need to cry, or shout, or share I'm feeling bad or nervous, etc... I talk to myself today. I give myself pep talks.

Food and exercise no longer holds the power to "make me feel better," either. They have both lost the power to deem me "good" or "bad." For instance, I'm happy now....with or without exercise. If i exercise, that just means i'm a little fitter, not happier.

"I" hold the key to my self esteem. "I" decide over and over all day that i am worthy.

As a welcome amazing consequence, suddenly, I eat well, I sing exceptionally well, i exercise! SELF LOVE....with no judgement, no pressure, no demands, just full and total acceptance, peace and happiness, no matter what....is so powerful. It has the capacity to heal. Love is healing me.

As long as I practice this way of being I will never binge again. I don't need to! I already eat what i want and like, I have no diet to break out of because i'm not on one, I already feel worthy and loved all day so i don't have to turn to food for love, I don't feel deprived like I want something I haven't got, I feel grateful for what i have, food -and otherwise. I have no reason to binge anymore so long as I maintain this way of being/thinking!

_ _ _ _ _

"Contrast helps you to identify desire. Desire is summoning. It's always flowing through you. You have the opportunity of opening to the harmony of the vibration of your desire or not. As the desires are being summoned through you, and you go with the flow, you thrive, but if you use things to be your excuse for not going with the flow, you are arguing for your limitations. We want to show you how to go with the flow. Which means nothing more than finding vibrational harmony with your own desire, and letting the Universal Energy that your desire is summoning to it flow to it through you. It is optimum creative experience
--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Excerpted from the workshop in Silver Spring, MD on Saturday, October 21st, 2000 # 325

Monday, Jan 23, 2012. To feel the joy of FREEDOM is so sweet....in contrast to the shame and self hatred I felt before and how that state of being reflected in my out of control binge eating, and then running to the temporary extasy of dieting as the cure...., back and forth, back and forth. Since I have felt real freedom, I don't want any of that ever again!

I trust that God will lead my diet. If more and more raw is the answer, it will reveal itself, effortlessly, like vegetarian did.

Plus, I have always said I wanted to find balance with my eating. I wanted it all. I wanted raw, i wanted cooked, i wanted rich and lean foods. I said it here over and over again. I wanted to enjoy food like Nigella and Lydia.

I'm living "my desire..." and I'm thriving!

Diets are immediate. The failure on them is also immediate. All of that quick weight loss can vanish with one binge and I'm back to self hatred.

This way will be permanent. I know it will take longer. I have the patience to wait today.

_ _ _ _

I finally realize the reason I have not been singing well for quite some time, too... It was because my attitude needing serious adjusting! My dissappointing performances had very little to do with the level of my talent, and everything to do with my very very low self worth and self esteem, and not knowing how to gather up my energies, gather up my knowledge and instinct, to allow the positive and creative energy to flow through me. I didn't know how to take what i had learned and turn it into success.

Until now!

I sang yesterday at the opera. I refused to allow it to be ANOTHER in a long line of performances where I leave feeling dissapointed in myself. I told myself, "I determine how well I will do!" "I am worthy to sing as well as I can because it makes me happy and why shouldn't i be happy, G-d dammit, I deserve it!"

I grew some balls!

I actually shocked myself how AMAZINGLY WELL I sang. It sounds cliche', but it is SO true. We have to BELIEVE we can achieve something before we can ever achieve it.

It's good to read this again because it's so true.

Our Greatest Fear
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.—

From Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992.

I finally believed i can sing well.

I finally believe I can overcome binge eating and obesity!

I finally believe, and THAT'S THE ANSWER!

Confidence is everything.

Yesterday, when i sang, and every day of these two or so weeks i've been binge free, I've "aligned my vibrational harmony with my desires..." and have become "liberated from my own fears," and from my pull to fail. Self - fulfilling profecy. Believe you are shit and you produce shit and lots of binge eating.

Can it really be THIS easy?

It is.

Binge eating is over.

I have found the answers I have been searching for and am blessed to be able to share it with you. The answer is not a diet. The answer is love. Better quality foods appeal to you when you are vibrating at a higher frequency. The answer is already in us. We just have to grab ahold of belief, faith, self love, and never let go.

Nothing needs to be fixed. Everything is unfolding perfectly. So when you stand in your now accepting that all is well, then from that vibration, you become surrounded by more and more evidence that all is well. But when you're convinced that things are broken, that there is pollution, or that things have gone wrong, or that the government is doing conspiracies... then what happens is you get caught up in that vibration, and you begin to manifest that kind of stuff, and then you say, "See, I told you that things were going wrong."
--- Abraham www.abraham-hicks.com
Excerpted from the workshop in North Los Angeles, CA on Tuesday, March 7th, 2000 # 328

Tuesday, Jan 24, 2012. My mom is in the hospital again since Friday night. Today I am on duty all day. I awoke tired, wish I could sleep another few hours, but my needy mom needs me. Yesterday she pulled out some kind of cord from her neck because it felt foreign and they weren't able to do the bronchoscopy procedure. Pnemonia, again, 2nd time in months, and she had a small heart attack. She's been on antibiotics more than not over the last two years. They kill your digestive enzymes and weaken your immune system. This time she came within minutes of dying. And they said her immune system is shot. No wonder I awoke this morning feeling "fat" and like i wanted to go on a diet and scared that last night's low calorie dinner harmed me in some way. Fear'll do it to me everytime.

I must accept that all is well and accept that everything is unfolding perfectly and learn to speak no longer in the language of eating disorder. I will focus on staying happy and allow the food choices to stem from that and reflect my happy state. Happy in all circumstances is the goal. Happy no matter what. I will place my trust and faith in God. All is unfolding perfectly according to His plan.

Please say HI and keep in touch.

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me...” (Psalm 23:4, NKJV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Have you ever gone through something and felt like it was the valley of the shadow of death? During the tough times, it’s easy to get discouraged. But I love what it says in today’s verse, “though I walk through...” No matter what you are facing today, know this: you are not alone, and you are just walking through. You don’t have to stop and live in the tough times! They are only temporary. I encourage you today; don’t allow fear to paralyze you in the middle of “the valley of the shadow of death.” Remember, God is with you. He is walking beside you. He is strengthening you. He is making a way of escape for you. He is lining up people and situations to bring you out of that tough place into a place of strength and victory.
Today, don’t give up! Press on and walk through! Start to get a vision of your life on the other side. See yourself more loving, more faithful, stronger and more blessed than ever before. As you keep moving forward and walking through, you will get to the other side and walk in the victory God has prepared for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your faithfulness in my life. Thank You for walking with me even in the hard times. I trust that You are taking me through my circumstances to a place of victory and strength in Jesus’ name. Amen.
— Joel & Victoria Osteen

xoxoxo, Michelle
LaSoprana@aol.com

"I FEEL BETTER, SO I AM ON MY WAY!"

Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting

--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Excerpted from the workshop in Kansas City, MO on Saturday, July 22nd, 2000 # 318

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(Wow, is that profound or what?)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yesterday, I had a nice little visit with a friend.

When she asked how i am doing...

I answered, "GREAT!"

Because in truth, i am feeling very well.

I explained to her that i've decided to feel happy and worthy, no...matter...what!!

_ _ _ _ _ _ __ _

Since i listened to this Abraham Audio (that my fantastic amazing friend, Joy, sent to me) (Please click below and listen. It's about 10 mins long and it's AMAZING!), I am so SURE that feeling happy and worthy...is really the "goal." I'm positive that my work now has less to do with diet and more to do with loving myself and allowing myself to enjoy life, and my blessed days here on Earth....no matter what. And, no matter what I weigh.

AUDIO MESSAGE FROM "ABRAHAM"
(Esther Hicks) ON WEIGHT LOSS
http://mail.aol.com/35138-211/aol-6/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=26634060&folder=OldMail&partId=1&saveAs=Unknown_Artist_05_Track_5.wma

From the audio that Joy sent (listen above), I transcribed impactful points (in blue, see below), that really hit home. (Let me tell you, this is one POWERFUL audio!)

Just as a kind of an overview, Abraham (Esther Hicks from "The Secret") says that we will only succeed with losing weight - if - we accept where we are right now and learn to allow ourselves to enjoy each day - just as we are.

We have to learn accept ourselves...and how to...self comfort.

She said so much, but one thing that really hit home was that the "diet" is a way of self comforting. A faulty one, but it's one way we 'try' to achieve comfort.

We have to learn to self comfort without running to "the diet" as if "the diet" was the answer/the source of comfort. The diet is not the source of comfort. Nor is the result - thinness. Or the lack of a result - when we're back to binge eating. None of it works to comfort.

We can't care what other people think of us, either. That made a huge impact on me, because my entire life, i'm hiding from everyone when i gain weight, feeling i need to explain to people shamefully why i've gained weight (like it's any of their business).

Not only that, i use the language of the eating disorder to talk about life. "How are you?," someone asks. I answer, "I gained weight." Food and weight as a screen - and you never get down to the nitty gritty of what's bothering you. Maybe i'm anxious about an upcoming performance, maybe i'm scared shitless i'm going to lose my mom as she lay in the hospital (she's doing great now).

Terribly self conscious of being judged a failure in others eyes for gaining weight, causing myself such unending suffering, I ask now the unthinkable, "Am i worthy....fat?"

I never thought so.

My mother first put me on a diet at the age of 8.

I'm moving on, baby. I'm changing my mind today - "I am worthy just as i am! "

Abraham said in the audio that we have to stop trying so hard. We have to surrender and just allow ourselves to be "fat and happy." Paradoxically, she explains, the happier we are fat, the thinner and thinner we'll get! She says, "Soon fat and happy will turn to just happy." We won't need the fat part anymore. The trick she says is learning to love and accept yourself irregardless of your weight.

I really believe that this is so IT.

With every diet (the thing i do so i can be "happy" and "worthy" in my and other people's eyes), there is always the inevitable backlash when i fail at the diet (returning me to a state of misery and unworthiness). Nowhere in that equation do i ever get to just be happy. Or to enjoy food, enjoy life, enjoy me, Cliff, everything! No, I'm always yearning for unatainable happiness. It's always illusive and connected to "when i get thin...." or "when i eat that hamburger," when i'm bingeing. The two parallel states of dieting and binge eating are things we DO to GET something....that we can never get.

- - - -

I get to be happy now, no matter what I weigh. HALLELUJAH!

_ _ _ _

In my food history of dieting and binge eating, I'm either in constant denial or in constant overindulgence.

When i finally accept myself as i am and just enjoy myself - enjoy my day, enjoy me, enjoy food - really ALLOW enjoyment - suddenly, i end up doing the unthinkable - controlling and balancing my food, naturally.

This is how it works: If i'm going to enjoy myself no matter what i weigh, then I inherently want to FEEL GOOD - and that desire to feel good is what drives me to make better food choices - just NATURALLY without struggle - out of love for myself because i know it's good for me. Who woulda thunk it????

Conversely, when i am perfectionistic and judgemental and miserable and remorseful and depressed because "i'm so fat," "i'm so out of control with eating," i can't stop eating, i can't see what issues are bothering me, i'm lost in the fog, i keep getting fatter, i seek diets desperately as the answer to just STOP the insanity. But the diets turn out to be really wolves in sheeps clothing, because they actually make me FATTER (eventually, after i binge out) because the DIET and the resulting WEIGHT LOSS and the ULTRA CONTROLLED EATING were never the source of happiness and self worth in the first place! And dieting was never the source of 'true' lasting thinness either. It never solved my inability to not comfort without food.

That's really the crux of the problem. So, maybe i had the kind of mom that shoved a cookie in my mouth when i cried. Maybe my own mom was uncomfortable with emotions, and just letting me "be" a whole functioning person was threatening to her. She was broken, so she created a broken child, who learned to stuff strong emotions down....with food.

Of course, the sexual abuse must play a huge role in feeling unworthy and in disconnecting from the body, from feelings, from happiness.

Today, I choose happiness and self worth, regardless of what i weight, and when i'm happy, food suddenly is put back in it's place - it's just food, and not love. Love comes from ME, from GOD, from others if I allow it. No matter what i weigh. No matter what i ate or did or how i look. Can I allow love?

- - -

The last few days at Arnold's Way went well. No horrible out of control raw binges like i've so often had. That feels nice! And i've been doing SO SO well at home with food. Making good choices because i feel good about me, not making good choices "so that" i can feel good about me. It's a big difference.

Treats are former binge foods. Well, former binge foods was really "everything!!" Today, meals or formerly forbidden foods don't lead to secret binges like they used to since I understand the goal is to love myself no matter what i eat or weigh. I eat today in moderation almost naturally, organically, because that way, i get to enjoy food and still feel good.

It's the secret to self control.

SELF LOVE.

Today, I ALLOW pleasure without pleasure being all about pain. Pleasure as pleasure is so luscious. I had a very small slice of pie and a glass of wine with lunch. It was soooo Nigella!

- - -

The other night, i had a blip, but still it showed improvement. I acknowledge my successes today, even if they look like failures.

I came home from work and ate a vegetarian meal, but i wasn't hungry, and it was late. I was aware of it, two no-no's, too late, not hungry. Still i did it. It tasted good! And I became aware afterwards that i felt very remorseful and guilty. The binge reflex reflexed, and i wanted to binge.

This is so interesting just SEEING the urge. i just kept noticing.

[Awareness: Binge eating is an attempt to comfort myself from the realization of the horrible diet infraction i just made.]

[Awareness: The strict diet the next morning is an attempt to comfort myself to get over the binge the night before.]

The panic, the struggle, the misery, that all has to dissappear, says Abraham.

So, I considered how i'd feel the next day if i'd binge. Would i feel happy, comforted? No, i'd be bloated, refluxy, dissappointed even moreso. I asked myself, "Can't I learn to comfort myself without binge eating?"

I decided to go to bed and be warm and snuggly with Cliff and enjoy a movie. Hey, I GET it, I deserve to enjoy life....even if i overeat! I don't have to punish (comfort) myself with food when i make a mistake. I allowed LOVE instead. Bravo, Michelley!

[Awareness: Binge eating is sado-masochistic - Pain and Pleasure all in one. The pleasure of food with the pain of self destruction. I don't want that anymore. Food is too good to fuck up like that. It's so much nicer to enjoy it in moderation!!!]

[Awareness: "Healthy" food now includes "treats" and comes in alot of forms today, it's a very large long spectrum of grey, and gives me pleasure while eating. Afterwards, I pay attention. Do i still feel good? That will inform my choices for tomorrow! Remaining always in a state of watchfulness, I monitor how foods taste, make me feel, how things in life make me feel. I stay aware, alert! That will put the death to binge eating!]

I think ultimately THIS work i'm doing now....is the way i am going to beat binge eating and obesity, not from a diet. This way is intuitive and organic. I'm not doing something because "somebody said" raw food makes you feel better. Does it? I'll figure that out for myself then! I already know that smoothies for breakfast make me feel great and raw food at work that doesn't center on nuts leaves me feeling energetic! I'll keep discovering!

Abraham agrees and says we already KNOW that eating healthy makes us healthy. That's a given. I have to let the whole idea go - that i can only allow myself to be happy and love myself and allow good things in my life....if i eat right.

I really "get" this. Boy, do i get this. Historically, when i diet, i love myself, i'm proud, i'm in control. When i go off and binge and gain weight, i am unworthy of life, of love, of fun, of adventure, i hate myself, i hide, i resist life, i'm out of control, and life becomes solely about seeking pleasure through my mouth at the expense of my hips - painful huge expensive binges that eat up my days, my life, my years, my opportunities, etc.... I can be stuck in this hell hole for months. When i diet, again, i love myself again. Born again!

It wouldn't be uncommon to hear from me on a diet, "When i get thin, i'm going to find more romance, be a professional singer, travel the country, be a millionaire!"

Soon, i make a diet infraction, and i'm back to unworthiness, to the hell of binge eating and a small life in a darkened room in front of the TV, miserably feeding myself compulsively, shoving the food in, crying, receiving pizza deliveries and adding mounds of fast food wrappers to the back of my car. Life becomes very small, very shameful, very painful.

That is no way to live. So, life is either nothing, wasted, hiding, or a dream of what could be...when i get thin.

I have known for a long long time that there is some way of being and living that lies - in between - those two extremes. All of this time, on and off of raw, I have been desiring to get "there."

Like, I watch the cooking shows, and Nigella Lawson and Lydia Bastianich are fat and happy, I adore them, I want to be them, perfectly sensually womanly PLUMP, not even fat, and sexy and beautiful, but they LOVE food and enjoy it in moderation. And more than that, they love LIFE, adventure, family, travel, teaching, themselves! I so want THAT! They take a bite of something sinful, and it doesn't run their life. They have a portion and leave the table happy, "Ah, that was splendid!" No running to barf in the toilet out of self hate and disgust and fear.

Abraham says dieting to love myself will never work until i learn to soothe myself without food and learn to love myself DESPITE WHAT I WEIGH. OKAY. GOT IT!

I also have to allow myself SUCCESS despite what i weigh. Abe says today that we deem ourselves worthy or unworthy depending on what we 'feel' we deserve.

Can i deserve to be a fabulous singer and be fat?

Can i deserve to look nice in clothes even if i'm fat?

Can i deserve to swim and enjoy water even if i'm fat?

Can i consider myself beautiful and attractive and sexy even if i'm fat?

Can i deserve to be eligible for jobs even though i'm fat?

Can i deserve to do raw cooking classes, or books, or videos, or sing and make raw dinner at arnolds way...even though i'm fat?

Well, i'm gonna try!!!

What have you decided you deserve...no matter what? WRITE ME!

If you are like me, you'll understand. I have been putting my life on hold until i get thin. The problem is: thin has always been fleeting. I'm grabbing after the unreachable "thin and happy."

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Thin and happy is HERE TODAY (only I look fat on the outside). So what! I can choose to be thin and happy on the inside ALREADY.

Thin and happy is a place of finally accepting myself. If i accept and love myself today, I'm already THERE to the initial 'comfort' I was searching for. My body just has to catch up!

- - - -

I did good the other night - I felt an intense sudden anxiety because i had to sing the next morning. I noticed it and decided NOT to binge because i wanted to learn to self soothe instead.

More and more of these types of decisions, and i'll be through with binge eating, and then someday, i will not be morbidly obese anymore.

PS: Another awareness in other words: You know how there is never enough food in the world to fill up that hole when we are bingeing? Well, it's because food is NOT comfort. No amount of "not comfort" will fill a hole begging for comfort. We have to learn to comfort ourselves.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I wrote down important point from the teaching!

-The fastest way for you to get there in terms of real manifestation is to stop the struggle against the weight you don't want, and try to begin to make peace with the weight you've got.

- It is the dissatisfaction with where i am that is the greatest hindrance in moving towards what you want.

-When you are dissatisfied, your problem solving nature makes you want to take the bull by the horns. Is doesn't work.

-On the new journey of self love/self soothing, a part of us is activated often that feels that we are in a wrong place - we are not. "Sooth that."

-You've got to love yourself as you are before you can come into the image of your best self.
Let go of the struggle

- We must learn to separate our actions...from our emotional journey.

- Our weight is not going to change this red hot minute. You have a choice - you can feel fearful or you can feel hopeful. The difference is one moves in the direction of what you ultimately want.

- The work is not the diet. We know from multiple failed efforts that food and exercise can affect you, yes, but until you get to the vibrational heart of what needs to be comforted, you haven't found the lasting soltuion.

- Make peace with who you are in terms of your body. Say, "Here is where I am, and it's not my ideal, but it is where i am, and it's okay. I'm alright where i am."

- De-emphasize the struggle in the journey.

- Pretend you are going on a roadtrip with others for 15 days. One of the people in the car is miserable to be with, they just broke up with someone and they are angry and complaining and miserable the entire 15 days. Another traveling companion is in love with life and filled with joy. Which person would YOU rather travel with? You would say to the miserable person, "Let it go at least for these 15 days while we are on vacation!" This is a lesson for us - "Let it be what it is." Say to ourselves, "I'm going to be a pleasant traveling companion to myself!" Make peace with where you are.

- A lesson in the wrong motivation vs. right motivation: Do not say, "I will do this right now because it will take me to the body weight i want." Say: "I will do this because i can feel good right now regardless of my body weight...if i'm determined to do it."

- We would have been alright if we had been making decisions based upon how they make us feel all along. (this is huge). (This is also the crux of ALOT of problems.) (How do I feel about this or that? Who am I? What do I believe? How do I feel about certain foods no matter what anyone else says? How do they make ME feel?)

- We've been trying to evaluate ourselves through the eyes of others. The goal now is to feel peaceful, okay, surrendered, happy, irregardless of weight.

- You must soothe yourself into emotional comfort NOW before your desire to be thinner can become manifest.

- The diet is usually "the comfort." Instead, we need to learn to comfort ourselves before our body weight will ever change.

- We are so hard on ourselves when we are someplace different that where we want to be.

- We must stop calling ourselves fat. In doing so, we are holding ourselves apart from what we want.

- It's not easy to let go of this obsession with weight and to stop being so hard on ourselves and stop comparing ourselves with others, but THAT is the work. We need to compare ourselves with our hearts desire and stop comparing ourselves with others.

- The question arises, "If i make peace with where i am, won't i just get fatter and fatter?" In giving way to fat and happy, in time, happy dominates and then you become that which you are wanting on all scores.

- This is the issue that confounds you the most, so start with easier things first...soon in time you will reach success with your worst struggle.

- The weight struggle is like a train going 150 mph and we're asking it to STOP. It cannot. Momentum carries it forward for a while. Do your part - to just make peace and slow yourself down and give yourself relief with affirmations, self love, self comfort, etc...

- The new way to evaluate yourself is not "I am thinner, so i am better." It is: "I feel BETTER, so i am on my way"

xoxo michelle joy

"55% FEELING BETTER THAN NOT FEELING SO GOOD...." That's all it takes!

The things that we should be asking ourselves is, "What proportion of my day am I in vibrational harmony with my desires, which means, how much of my day am I happy, glad, eager, fulfilled, satisfied, complimentary? And what percentage of my day am I ornery, irritated, frustrated, or blaming?"

And you don't have to do 100%, you don't have to do 90%, you don't have to do 80%. If you could even get around 55% feeling better, than not feeling so good — you'd have significant movement in what begins to happen in your experience.
--- Abraham www.abraham-hicks.com

Today i woke up feeling so happy!

Last night, I was watching an episode of The Stranger Series called "The Prodigal Son." It was so sad, so inspiring. It really hit home, and after the show was over, with tears in my eyes, I asked God in prayer, "Do you really see me? What special thing was i born for?"

The Stranger series is a christian ministry series shown over christian television created by actor/director Jefferson Moore. He plays Jesus in modern day life and each episode depicts a historical biblical story translated into modern day. I've come across two of these episodes so far just flipping channels, and they are incredibly poignant and moving, so much so that i've been absolutely transfixed. I so desire to be closer to God, but so struggle with faith, doubt, etc...

These amazing modern day depictions really get down to the nitty gritty of what Jesus teaches in language I can understand, and the stories demonstrate so well the ridiculous things we do and say, how we behave, how we reject God's love and forgiveness on a daily basis. Jefferson Moore's Jesus teaches that we could never buy God's love with good deeds, and that He is always ready to forgive us and welcome us back with open arms.

The Stranger Series - "The Prodigal Son" - Part I http://youtu.be/LatjSRNIKWw

The Stranger Series - "The Prodigal Son" - Part II http://youtu.be/n8KfXpC6xN4

After the show was over, I turned the tv volume down and just sat there contemplating the message. My prayer to God for my purpose soon led way to a sudden desire to sing! When it comes over me like that, it is the most wonderful feeling - a feeling of a deep NEED to communicate and release. Soon I release all of this amazing beauty inside of me.

And then I say to myself, "Michelle, you really ARE good enough." My terrible chronic insecurity vanishes, my confidence renews. To BE good and not believe it is a curse I wish on no one.

Talent without hard work is a crime.

It's February soon, and I've been thinking about doing another Valentines Dinner at Arnold's Way, where I sing opera and love songs.

With that on my mind, I began to sing songs that would work for that night - Delilah's love serenade, My Funny Valentine, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes....

Wow, I amazed myself...I was singing so well!

It was as if my lessons with Badiene and my own endless trial/error and searching about how to sing optimally suddenly all came together in one moment. I knew what to do. It was so easy!

Or, maybe, was it that prayer to GOD???

All i know is, i was the best ME i could be right then and it was startling. Gone were the questions about how to breath or how to place my high palate or my tongue.

I'd quite simply discovered the secret to singing for myself, the connection to God and the way I need to use my body, and it was like God was showing me my purpose, what i could be, what I should be - the professional opera singer. Every professional I sing for knows it. It's just ME that constantly doubts myself. "I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough."

"I can sing, "Norma!"!" (an opera that not many CAN sing.)

Badiene IS right, afterall. I AM that good. I COULD BE THAT GOOD.

Suddenly whatever I had just overeaten...just kind of lost it's twisted importance to my eating disorder distorted mind.

In a state of bliss, at one with me, at one with God, I went to bed happy and content and feeling my value.

I was born again!

When a nightengale sings as she knows she can, and stops acting like a crow, suddenly, she knows who she is and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I'd asked God what i was made for and He let me know. The rare beaty of that transaction filled me with a knowing deep within. "This is going to be the best year of my life...if I let it."

That morning, I'd received the Abraham message (above) that said if we could just feel 55% better, 55% happy, at peace, enjoying what we're doing....instead of feeling miserable and horrible, that's all we need. Just to feel a little better than we feel badly.

Wow, that really woke me up.

It doesn't take us feeling blissful 100% of the time, just a little more that we feel bad!

I SO must be an insane perfectionistic because i don't allow myself most of the time to even contemplate feeling good or happy or to enjoy myself. I'm usually in a remorseful sour mood because I've overeaten something or feel fat or gained weight, so I'm always punishing myself, always. I can never get off of the merry-go-round of feeling bad.

Some people enjoy life and live life to the fullest. Some people destroy their lives and wallow in self pity.

With my ever increasing waistline, I'm destroying myself, all the time trying to figure out HOW to enjoy my life! I fail so often. And keep gaining weight.

Yet, with each pound I gain, it seems I gain the awareness I'll need to pull me OUT of this.

If i can only enjoy 5% more than i fail, i can start to see progress!

I don't have to be perfect, just a little better than horrible.

Suddenly, this morning, today, with all of this on my mind and in my heart from yesterday, I awoke with the sunniest disposition! It felt like it was the day for a new change. Instead of "going on a diet," how superficial, no wonder it never works, I decided, simply, to enjoy myself, enjoy my time, enjoy my day and let the food take care of itself, try to eat when i'm hungry and not when i'm not.

Enjoying my time this morning has created a morning where i did dishes, cleaned the microwave and counters, made filling for a pie, sang amazingly again and practiced, made work related calls that i'm doing for my teacher, answered emails, etc... In other words, very PRODUCTIVE. Happily productive. Not binge eating, not overeating, not even eating at all because I was too busy enjoying myself! And when i ate, I wanted healthy stuff! I guess it was because i was in vibrational alignment with the best me :-))

This is how normal happy people live. They enjoy life. They use their time well and enjoy themselves! I promise, when i work myself out of this eating disorder/obesity and have a happy productive life, i am going to share this secret with the world, in a book, with anyone i can! I know i am not the only person in the world living in the misery of binge eating and obesity...

Binge eating makes my life small. It's a small life of food, tv, food, tv. There is this nice show on tv hosted by Ali Vincent, the first winner of The Biggest Loser, called "Ali's Big Life". When we take the focus off of food, suddenly the world is BIG and full of possibilties, challenges, exciting adventures. Why would we ever want to have a small life? Big waistline, small life - reduced opportunities. Small waistline - big life - opera, travel, auditions, success!

I guess we don't think we deserve any better.

But we do! We SO desserve better! We are beautiful children of God with miraculous talents that he created for us to use for a special purpose! We SO deserve better! The body is a temple of God. When we finally get in alignment with loving Him, we love ourselves, we love our bodies....

The Abraham message really really made an impact on me - just to do what makes me feel happy. I remembered when i turned on the tv this morning. I realized soon not finding anything interesting, i was bored. "Do something unboring," I said! And i did.

Later, I had the impulse to binge. Instead I did something I enjoy - I COOKED up some lentils and some quinoa.

I'll EAT it......LATER.

I replaced the FUN of eating with the FUN of COOKING. It's creative and a lot less calories! It's the eating that can turn ugly when it stops becoming enjoyable, when I am out of "vibrational harmony" with myself and it turns into miserable compulsion.

It often seems that extra food makes me happy.

"How much of my day am I happy, glad, eager, fulfilled, satisfied, complimentary? And what percentage of my day am I ornery, irritated, frustrated, or blaming?"

xoxoxo Michelle Joy
LaSoprana@aol.com