SINGIN' IN THE RAIN!

MONDAY, Sept 27, 2010

Exercise: 45 mins walk with Cliff in the rain!

Brunch: 1 raw banana cacao smoothie (bananas, agave, cacao, tahini); 1 cup short grain rice with tomato sauce

Linner: a nice serving of homemade from scratch tuna cassarole with lots of yummy hand chopped veggies and no canned soup, mostly everything organic

Snack: on the road - 1 vanilla/chocolate cone; 1 soft pretzel with mustard. hungry! nice to be able to grab a snack and not have to binge anymore.

Snack after rehearsal: 2 whole grain waffles with a little butter and organic maple syrup; 1 blueberry scone. HUNGRY, but i'm finally full!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had a lovely singing practice this afternoon!

I felt good about me and food today!

Even though i know i'm heavier, when i saw myself in window shop reflections on my walk, i just noticed, and I didn't say mean and nasty things to myself like i used to. I respect myself now and care for my own feelings. This is also helping to stop the binge, yay!

I enjoyed a bowl of rice at brunch. It was yum. You should know that rice and butter is usually a HUGE binge food for me. Instead of bingeing, I ate a agreeable sized portion, paid attention, really focused, savored, and noticed fullness approaching as I was finishing.

I realize that when i allow myself to eat what i want, give myself permission to eat and enjoy, I am satiated from a normal portion and I don't have to binge.

It's raining today! What a lovely walk Cliff and I had in the rain! Walking feels great even if i'm not on a diet. How cool to be exercising even when i'm eating "bad" food!

Rain is cleansing...and I feel cleansed, even though i'm eating cooked "crap..." you might say, glue and toxins and filling myself with dead cancer causing chemical-laden food. Ridding myself of all bad associations with cooked food, however, has enabled me to severely decrease the impulse to binge on it, and is allowing me to eat more normal portions.

I realize it's a step along my journey, and may never need to be a part of yours. Most people who go raw, probably don't have these horrible feelings about food...and themselves...so they may never need to go through this process of "legalization" of food.

I'm finding it immensely healing, immensely enveloping in love and acceptance and joy and enjoyment and pleasure and freedom and adventure.

Most people feel this way when they go raw, not when they go off!

I've tried to legalize food many times before, but this time is different. I'm different. I have a different more accepting and loving perspective and have had more experience with failure on raw than i care to remember..., and I've come to a place where the realizations and learning experiences i've gone through have enabled me to finally be in a place to actually 'get this.' I'm finally ready for it. I'm losing my fear of food!

My new accepting, open and welcoming attitude toward ALL food is cleansing me, and my heart and soul and mind are free of judgement, despair, unhappiness, shame, and hopelessness. Even after eating rice with oil, I feel CLEAN.

I have my singing rehearsal tonight! So, i'll be singin' in the rain!

Late: My singing practice went well! Everyone thinks I'm so fabulous. This new place i'm in with food, and with singing....is incredible. To be having such success with both at the same time. I feel open and free.

I was so hungry afterwards! But, i feel satiated now. I didn't need to binge! i only needed to honor my hunger and address it. Hunger doesn't scare me anymore either!


SINGIN' IN THE RAIN
Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo....

I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again

I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love

Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face

I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain!

xoxo michelle joy

I HAVE CONFIDENCE!

Sunday, Sept 26, 2010

Br: raw cacao banana shake, yum

Sn: 1 slice whole wheat bread, butter

Ln: 1 good salad with nutritional yeast, dressing and tomato and 1 very small homemade pizza (1 Indian Nan bread, homemade tomato sauce, homegrown organic basil/cherry tomato/red pepper, onion, organic parmesan cheese, organic spinach, herb infused olive oil, fresh lemon juice).

DIVINE! Divine to eat well, not necessarily raw, but deliciously homegrown and mostly organic, and made, and eaten with LOVE. This is what kills the binge eating for me.

Dn: At the rehab with mom - scoop of tuna salad, crackers, lettuce, onion, tomato, social tea biscuits for dessert

Sn: Greek yogurt, agave and fresh blueberries

Later: 1 bag of rice chips, 1 muffin, 1 pack of baked tofu, 3 slices bread w/butter

~ ~ ~ ~

confidence [ˈkɒnfɪdəns]
noun
1. a feeling of trust in a person or thing
2. belief in one's own abilities; self-assurance
3. trust or a trustful relationship take me into your confidence
4. something confided or entrusted; secret

CONFIDENCE: A feeling of trust in a person and a belief in one's own abilities. A feeling of self assurance.

Wow. Confidence. Confidence is GREAT.

~ ~ ~ ~

I usually suffer from a TERRIBLE lack of confidence. I have my WHOLE life.

~ ~ ~ ~

The other day I received such a gift at my singing lesson. My teacher got up from the piano bench mid-lesson, came over to me, took my hand lovingly in hers, and said, "Michelle, my dear, you are SO confident now. What a remarkable change. I did not know what i was going to do with you. Honestly, you seemed like you were getting worse. And, now, look at you, listen to you! You're incorporating everything i've been teaching you, you sound incredible, and you're so confident. This is your best lesson. Brava!"

Did THAT ever feel good!

~ ~ ~ ~

Where do we get CONFIDENCE from? I'm Thinking alot about the HS Reunion.

From how we LOOK?

Or from how we FEEL?

I'm just asking myself questions.

Do i have to lose weight to feel good about ME for the reunion?

Or does feeling good come from some internal place of self-assurance, a belief in myself, in my inherent goodness and pride in my abilities, irregardless of how much I weigh?? Am i OKAY the way i am?

~ ~ ~

I think I'll lose weight eventually doing the work i'm doing.

Do i have to go on a diet or back on 811 to lose it all TODAY for the reunion?

....Or should i stay the course and just have PATIENCE?

It will happen....

~ ~ ~

Where do we gain confidence with FOOD? I suppose growing up. Normal eaters have such confidence. They had normal mommies. I adore mine, but she was really controlling with weight and food, as was my father, AND my brother. No one would let me just eat.

Normal eaters eat what they like and stop when they've had enough. No drama. Just enjoyment.

I suppose growing up, we either learn to feed ourselves well and nurturingly, or we learn to abuse food.

Learning to stop abusing food is a process that takes time. There is a lot of un-doing that needs to be done. I have to develop the ABILITY to recognize hunger, decipher what i want, trust myself enough to ALLOW myself to eat something I actually LIKE..., and then recognize that i am satiated and able to STOP.

I've been working on eating more what i LIKE instead of what i "SHOULD," and trying to disconnect the FOOD I eat from WEIGHT LOSS. FOOD has been so irrevocably tied up to GAINING and LOSING, and to how i feel about myself - if i'm dieting i eat GOOD FOOD and i'm GOOD. If i'm binge eating, i eat BAD FOOD AND I'M BAD. Can i now eat "BAD" food....and feel GOOD?

I can! And doing that HALTS the binge!

~ ~ ~ ~

After working with Dr. D, I began binge eating daily about 5 or 6x a day. It was extremely exacerbated binge eating, i was so out of control.

I'm seeing vast improvement. Even the binge I had last night pales in comparison to the binges i usually have. I thought about making all of this other stuff last night and i said, "Nahhh, it doesn't interest me. I can eat that anytime now." I thought that was huge psychological improvement.

Also, when i finished working with Dr. D, I gained from 290lbs to 330lbs in about a week. An insane weight gain of water weight. I now weigh 319. I'm happy to see the sudden water weight gain equilizing.

And i'm pretty sure that the longer and longer I just eat "normally" and learn to detach myself from the binge eating completely, I'll come down in weight naturally.

Exercise plays a part, too, of course. Cliff and I just took a 45 min walk to town and back, so even though i had a binge last night, I'm committed to treating myself well irregardless.

I feel I'm making progress. I'm gaining confidence in my ability to tackle this, even though on a raw themed blog, i'm going against the grain.

Somehow i think i need to do this work, for me.

~ ~ ~ ~

[I wrote this part yesterday] I just ate a peice of whole wheat bread with super high quality expensive butter from Europe, my favorite kind, and that was that! No binge. Is that ever new! Why did it stop when i wanted it to, after one peice? Why was that enough?

Before the bread, I had practiced my music and felt better...felt CONFIDENT about my music....which apparently translated to confidence with myself...and that confidence translated to confidence about my ability to handle FOOD. Wow.

I think that's evidence that the little child in me is learning to trust herself. She's gaining control.

I'm thinking how i was as a child learning to ride a bike. At first, you fall, you're all over the place, can't get your balance...you need a lot of help, but you practice and practice and soon, you gain control. You gain CONFIDENCE in your ability to handle the bike.

I can gain confidence in my ability to handle FOOD!

~ ~ ~ ~

FEAR
In practicing my music, I overcame the fear, I gained confidence in my ability...and not only that - in doing so, relieved the horrible anxiety I was feeling.

It seems so simple for the average person, but feeling anxious is scary and facing my music is often scary and i want to put it off because i'm afraid i'm no good. God, that sounds so silly to write, but it's true!

When i do face it, I invariably realize it wasn't as hard or frightening as I thought it was and I feel TRIUMPHANT to have accomplished something i feared i couldn't. It's a simple thing that normal people take for granted.

This is the kind of growth binge eaters have missed out on. I'm learning when you walk THROUGH the fear, you try, you do it, you succeed, you often surprise yourself what you can accomplish.

~ ~ ~ ~

The night before last, after dinner, i did NOT feel confident. I was anxious then, too, experiencing obsessive food thoughts, frightened my dinner was going to harm me. "I ate too much cheese. I should have eaten half of that. I should have eaten half of that wrap."

In reality, i did not overeat. I was only axious about my music. So, why don't i always recognize anxiety for anxiety? Why do i have to hear voices, talking about food?

Training. I'm like a dog in a Pavlov experiment. Feel an uncomfortable feeling? Ding! Think about food. My parents didn't know how to deal with me emotionally. Neither did i. Instant recipe for an eating disorder.

So these voices....This is the BINGE VOICE, the EATING DISORDER, the MENTAL ILLNESS. I don't think normal people go through this after they eat. Alcoholics drink and binge eaters eat. "You're no good, you screwed up again, you'll never get over this. You're hopeless." This is the critical parent voice, shaming the child. This is the voice that doesn't LOOK at your issues, but looks away from them and focuses on bullshit, like a tsp too much dressing on your salad. This is the voice i hear that i usually react to and start binge eating.

The binge says LOUDLY: "See me! See what's bothering me! Here, i'll show you something's wrong!"

The binge is the child trying to get the parent's attention. "I'm suffering!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suddenly, when i am feeling CONFIDENT, i can eat bread and butter and be supremely happy and light and gay and enthralled with myself, guilt-free. And then feel no bad feelings afterwards, physical or emotional or mental. The food moment just vanishes like it does for normal people.

~ ~ ~~

Do the BAD feelings we (people in the raw community) get from COOKED food always necessarily come from the PHYSICAL reaction to the foods themselves?

Or do the bad feelings derive from the guilt and shame we feel about cooked food? "It's dead. I'm no good."

Or do the bad feelings we feel eminate from the way we USE this UPSET ("I'm bad, i did something bad!") as a DISTRACTION?

If we USE feeling bad as a distraction we get to focus on FOOD or BAD EVIL FEELINGS, or that we are BAD AND EVIL and WEAK, instead of really focusing on what we should be doing, or on what we're REALLY FEELING?

Like when i was anxious about practicing my music.

~ ~ ~ ~

A raw friend called me recently who is on 811 and said, "I ate fat. I just can't do that. And i ate salt and it was good and I really enjoyed that, but i just can't do that anymore." I know she is going through some tough times right now in her life. I wonder if that was like a call for help? I should have said, "Talk to me about what's going on in your life" instead of focusing on the food.

~ ~ ~ ~

Last night when i faced my music again, the voice in my head said, "Maybe you need to eat something to calm yourself so you can practice singing." That was a disordered thought and that was a really insane thing to listen to. I think that was the internal child being fearful and needing a crutch, and my internal parent taking a coffee break, "Uh, yeah. Do what you want, honey." Bad parent.

Gotta be more on the ball.

Gotta meditate more and focus more at night when i have trouble, or go upstairs and do my work there instead of downstairs by the kitchen and TV. Gotta be more pro-active.

Food is to be enjoyed in meals. And work is to be done. That's all.

~ ~ ~ ~

So, like all things, gaining confidence in our abilities to overcome something like an eating disorder takes TIME...TRIAL and ERROR....FALLING and getting BACK UP. Like anything, if it is WORTH it, you keep at it.

I'm purposefully not hammering myself to do raw to cure the eating disorder because i don't think it ever did. I was raw for 3 years and still binged.

I think alot of self love and alot of self nurturing...will cure it.

And then it really doesn't matter what i eat.

I never really was that concerned with my health anyway. I just wanted to cure my binge eating...that's why i turned to raw. And I wanted to cure my reflux so that i could sing. Guess what? My new teacher has taught me to sing IRREGARDLESS OF REFLUX.

So, i'm actually DEBUNKING the MYTH that for ME i need to eat raw 1) to cure my eating disorder 2) so that i can sing.

I'm eating all kinds of fabulous crap...and binge eating LESS and singing WONDERFULLY...better than EVER!

~ ~ ~ ~

If i eat raw 100% perfectly and get skinny, but then fall off the wagon and gain everything back in a week, what is the good in that?

If i can learn to savor one peice of bread and butter, not obsess over it, go along and sing my music, feel confident and good, isn't there supreme value in that for the binge eater?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My goal - My goal is to have CONFIDENCE with food, all food, with my ABILITY to ENJOY. I don't want to abuse myself with food anymore.

I KNOW that someday all of this work will have a positive effect on my waistline and that someday i will confidently maintain my weight.

~ ~ ~

One of my roles is 'Mother Abbess' in "The Sound of Music." No wonder this song came floating into my head. Maria sings it in the musical!

"I HAVE CONFIDENCE" from The Sound of Music
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

xxooxo michelle joy

"I WANT IT ALL" CHANGES MEANING EVERY DAY

SATURDAY, Sept 25, 2010

Before Br: Thirsty! Big humongous bowl of 1/2 water, 1/2 apple cider with ice cubes. Refreshing. Br: fresh raw black mission figs. Oh, my. Awesome. Followed by a raw cacao banana shake
Exercise: 45 min walk with Cliff to Eco Festival
L: salad, brown rice, veggies and shrimp
D: big salad, wrap of raw cheese, nayonaise, fresh veggies, 3 spice cookies
Sn: yogurt with fruit and leftover brown rice with veggies, 2 slices whole wheat bread with butter

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday was an interesting day. I did alot of straightening in the house. I was kind of on edge. Annoyed Cliff wasn't really helping! I tried to phrase my desires in non-abusive terms, "Honey, i would really appreciate it if you could help me straighten around the house." It didn't really help! Although he gave me a big hug and a kiss for what i did.

Honestly, i think the real source of my edgy/anxious state all day was due to my opera rehearsal coming up on Monday. I have some work to do yet on it, and i'm anxious.

After dinner, I felt bad mentally. I sat with it, doing my meditation, trying not to react to the "binge voices" that i often hear - harsh overviews of what i'd just eaten, urging me to feel badly and binge.

I also felt physically not so fine. It's true, raw food does agree with my digestion better.

I took some Betaine HCL and felt better soon.

Later, Cliff was showering, and I was alone in the kitchen with an anxiety snack attack.

Yogurt and fresh fruit, okay.

Eating leftover lunch was not really something i now feel great about. I'd been hankering for bread and butter all day. Should have had it earlier when i wanted it!

Things usually escalate from then on in a BIG gigantic way, but they didn't. I thought that was bizarre and new. But, still not good enough.

I felt unsure about all of my writing yesterday. It made sense to me then!

~ ~ ~ ~

SUNDAY, Sept 26, 2010

I feel "fat" today.

I used to hear such expressions when i was in OA. It's when you feel under the weather, you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you're fat. It's probably a stress related phenomena. "I'm not good enough." I'd better work on my opera today. That will relieve the anxiety and produce an excitement about the rehearsal instead of a fear.

I just have too much to do, too. I'm overwhelmed. My mother expects me today. I have to go to Kohl's and return some of the clothing for her that didn't work. I have more laundry. I have to finish the dishes. Work on the opera.

I get overwhelmed easily.

I'm also thinking alot about the HS reunion. Facebook is connecting me and everyone and the reality of the reunion is setting in.

I just saw a recent picture of my best girlfriend from high school. The last time I saw her just a few months ago, she was very, very heavy. She lost a lot of weight. I'm happy for her success, but not happy that i will be the fat one at the reunion.

Who do i have to blame? I made my bed and now i have to lay in it.

I'm not in competition with her, but why aren't I trying to look my best for the event like everyone else is, obviously??? I was before...with Dr. D. Was that my "insanity" or my "common sense" to desire to look good/better???

I'm thinkin' alot about banana island and that i could lose 40 lbs before the reunion. Sneaky, sneaky. Now that i know how to lose weight fast, it's hard to forget it.

I say i want it all, and it's true. But maybe i don't have to have it all....in one day. There are times for drastic measures, like reunions, where you don't exactly want to look chubbed out to the max.

???

xoxo michelle joy

TOTAL AND COMPLETE FREEDOM WITH FOOD - I WANT IT ALL!

Morning,

Ya know, I'm not only a cook and a singer, i'm a WRITER. I SO enjoy communicating my thoughts, like to a fault. So, when i received a reader's comment, and I wanted to respond, it kind of took on a very long life of it's own... Nevertheless, here're my thoughts for today.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Michelle,

You are right - I want to be fruitarian. But not because I love fruit, but because I love the way I feel on fruit. Anyway, I am just really really worried about you and your health/age.

I'll keep reading in the background. If you ask for advice again, I'll give my two cents again. It will be exactly the same, because it's the only thing that has worked for you.

Debbie

~ ~ ~ ~

Hi Debbie,

I value your opinion always. Please comment any time. However, I do understand that it is probably very distressing/painful for raw/811 people to be reading about my explorations into the cooked food world. I know how dead set against cooked food i used to be...for 3 years. I feel your pain!

And, I sincerely appreciate your caring concern. I am obese, about 320 lbs., so your worries about my health/age are valid. I should be worried, too, and be making SURE I exercise and keep an eye on the health of my diet during this journey.

My main concerns right now have morphed back into being more PROCESS oriented - HOW to eat rather than WHAT to eat. I wait until i'm HUNGRY, i eat until i'm SATISFIED, i pay ATTENTION, i eat within MEALS, and i connect to my new "SPIRITUALITY," the "parental/authoritative spirt" that's been guiding me. That's pretty much my focus right now.

I do think raw was SUPER healthy for me, too, and I loved it, and I’m so HAPPY to still have my foot in the raw world! I AM a raw chef! I'd like to keep WANTING to eat more and more raw, but I think it’s going to take some time and exploration to have that organically grow in me, and to rid myself of the binge eating... Unfortunately, the binge eating appeared as cooked about a year ago and has been on full speed ahead since.

And, so, since i opened the door to cooked about a year ago, and it never closed, it has forced me to take a stand with cooked. Here are my choices.

1) Invite it into my life and say, "okay, how can i live WITH you?"...or

2) Keep fighting it, keep denying i like it and want to eat it, and continue binge eating.

The later seems like denial to me today. What is the point of it? Keep dieting and binge eating? I probably weigh MORE, much MORE as a result of binge eating, than i would if i just eat NORMALLY.

I feel strongly that fruitarian is NOT what I want - fulltime - and that i want something that is a combination of it all! I love bread and butter and i love yogurt. And i love banana smoothies and plain bananas. And i love raw burgers and raw hummus, too!

I feel sure I’m on the right path toward something very powerful and healing now in opening the doors to more free choices with food.

I'm valuing my RESISTANCE to go back on 811 today as a good and healthy thing...for my MENTAL HEALTH and binge eating. I'm taking back control, doin' my own thing, because i've learned that binge eating is very much a mental illness/obsession, and there has been intense shame connected to food, and in the last years cooked food, and weight gain for me.

I am working on letting that go and finding intense healing! Yay! How can THAT be bad?

I prefer to see myself on a journey of recovery from binge eating, instead of in diet denial. But, i respect your opinion and viewpoint. It is a valid one. I should be a thin person who doesn't binge. But, i'm not.

My point of view is that cleaning up my diet and getting it closer to 811 is Advanced Diet 101. I finally realized I'm still on Eating for babies - eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, eat what you like.

~ ~ ~ ~

There's been something very destructive and POWERFUL running me my whole life. "Don't eat this. Don't eat that. You CANT have that! You are NO good! You ought to be ASHAMED of yourself!"

"Fuck you i'll eat what i want. You think you can stop me? i'll show you!"

~ ~ ~ ~

I'm replacing that destructive force/voice with a new model - a loving internal parent. "You can eat ANYTHING you want, honey!"

Now the out of control child is suddenly calm and feels loved and allowed and free.

And, oila, the binge eating ceases.

~ ~ ~ ~

And, it really became quite clear to me that 811 was for me a quick fix to lose weight and to look thin so I wouldn't feel shame about myself at my upcoming reunion, and before that, shame about my fat self at the raw festival. "i'm no good!"

In the end, the "dieting" backfired because I gained everything back and went right back to binge eating because SHAME and SELF HATRED were still alive and well in me.

You know what? I'm going to have to go to that reunion fat and happy and tell myself AND the world, "I'm good enough just as i am!"

~ ~ ~ ~

Self acceptance and self love is a beautiful thing.

Today, in eliminating the shame of what i want to eat and the shame of being heavy, i feel actually OKAY about me and being heavier. I'm accepting where i am today. It's kind of refreshing!

First things first. You can't hate yourself into eating bananas.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Raw food and 811 ultimately didn't take away my binge eating. There are numerous posts on here about me binge eating on gourmet raw after 811. That's why i started the blog.

When i found 811 and did well with my weight, yes, i felt good, enjoyed the fruit, but it was ALWAYS with a mind of 'when can i go off?' and 'how can i incorporate gourmet into this?' and ‘how can I find a balance?’ I always wanted it all. Always wanted the "good stuff," never wanted to dedicate myself to fruitarianism exclusively. "God forbid," says that Nigella Lawson, sexy, sensual foody voice in me. "God forbid!"

811 was NEVER something i wanted to STAY on. And working with Dr D, i think that became obvious. After the 35 days, I literally felt I could NOT (and more importantly did not WANT to) continue on that track of dedicating the next 7-10 years to eating fruit to eradicate binge eating. No thanks.

I'd been imprisoned by my parents since a very young age, not able to eat "Ricky's" food, always put on a diet. You mean i can't have anything good anymore? Why would i want to imprison MYSELF any longer? I want it ALL. I want freedom. I get to choose! I get to say what i eat! Not YOU! Not Dr. D or anyone, anymore.

~ ~ ~ ~

I've become SO convinced by my experiences this last week, that DIETING causes binge eating. 811 was for ME a diet, maybe it's not for you.

What is dieting for ME today? Dieting is an overly strict abusive parental voice saying "You are NO good the way you are. Your desires are BAD. Shame on you, you fat pig!"

The internal child, beat down and weak, succumbs. But, eventually rebels against all of the control and abuse. "I won't take it anylonger!!!," and runs away. THATS the binge. FREEDOM, utter freedom.

When people who have been denied food finally eat, they can't stop.

THATS the binge.

~ ~ ~ ~

Look, 811 is great. And most people who go on it are NOT binge eaters. They recognize that this is the healthiest way for them to eat. They are very attuned. They are very concerned about their health. They are very confident and able and skilled eaters.

I'm just not "there" yet.

~ ~ ~ ~

In giving up dieting - and the FOCUS on weight loss ("i'm not good enough the way i am") - with the new loving parental authority concept ("you are good enough!), I'm going to finally give up binge eating.

~ ~ ~ ~

In giving up binge eating, my health will improve dramatically. My weight will decrease naturally.

That's what all of the Geneen Rothers say. How can they be wrong?

~ ~ ~ ~

I can no longer put the cart before the horse, continue to diet and then continue to binge. Losing 40 lbs with Dr. D and then gaining it all back was a very expensive failure.

~ ~ ~

Did i fail or did the 811 diet fail me?

~ ~ ~ ~

I'm chosing to believe that 811 is perhaps the "right diet" for humankind, and maybe for me ultimately, i'm staying open to it, but I'm not "ready" for it at this time in my journey. Going back on 811 would inevitably continue my binge eating when i fall off...Dr. D acknowledged it would for the next 7-10 years.

~ ~ ~

I personally think I can do this, for real, now, stop binge eating. I'm smart. I'm good at analysis.
Who am i kidding, I'm frickin' fabulous.

Maybe i'm kidding myself. Maybe i'm not, that i can cure this myself. The Geneen Roth people do it, everyday!

~ ~ ~ ~

During my raw journey, 811 is not the only thing that's worked for me. When I first went raw, I lost 140 lbs eating a ton of gourmet raw. That worked for me, until I realized I could binge on it when i got home from 8 months of the secluded world of a raw retreat.

And when i was 21, i lost 150 lbs on OA HOW, eating cooked, eating salmon and oatmeal and salads and Wasa crisp bread. I enjoyed the diet! It was a very restrictive plan, but it worked! But, after i went off of the diet, i gained everything back, plus.

Today, i want to find a LIFE PLAN. No, a life UN-plan. The no plan plan.

And I don't want to be GOING OFF and ON anymore.

~ ~ ~ ~

I want to be in control. I'm sick of everyone TELLING me what i should eat, and i'm sick of asking everyone else what i should eat!

I am an empowered woman, with a newfound internal authority. I can DO this!

~ ~ ~

Yes, I look at the pictures of me slimmer on 811 and I get nostalgic, but what's AMAZING is this.
I feel as good today, as clean INTERNALLY, mentally, spiritually as IF i were dieting. And yesterday, i ate what you might consider “crap.” Yet, I woke up with ZERO guilt/shame about my food and feel marvelous PHYSICALLY and spiritually and emotionally. (The D. E. helps). Illegal bread and fish and beans and cheese and yogurt? These USED to cause a binge. They didn't today or yesterday. THAT for ME is the MOST amazing progress and MIRACLE.

~ ~ ~ ~

Am I in denial? Am i going to keel over from a heart attack from what i ate yesterday? Am i going to fail myself and end up weighing 500 lbs? Can i NOT trust myself? Can I not trust this process? Do i always have to be in FOOD PRISON to do well????

OR, am i finally gaining confidence that I can overcome binge eating myself and that FOOD is not my enemy?

~ ~ ~ ~

Something strong is growing in me and i'm not willing to give that up. I’m seeing that how I FEEL about food can turn ANY FOOD “bad”...if I have shame connected to it and shame pervading my being and if i feel i'm BAD and OUT OF CONTROL and have nothing in me saying i'm GOOD, i'm OKAY!!!

Even healthy avocado can precipitate a binge when there is shame connected to it. I've experienced THAT many a time.

~ ~ ~ ~

My binge eating says LOUDLY and WITH FORCE: "I want it all and YOU can't stop me! I WILL EAT WHAT I WANT, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!"

I'm taking that and running with it, instead of running AWAY from it in fear.

I'm saying "Okay, honey, you want it all? You can have it! And it's okay! I love you!"

~ ~ ~ ~

Will i blow up to 500 lbs? Fall flat on my face? Die of a heart attack tomorrow?

Will i gain control....and lose weight naturally, slowly.....and find freedom finally...find self acceptance...find peace...love...joy?

Stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

GEFILTE FISH AND OTHER LOVELY THINGS

I had a dinner that wholly convinced me I am on the right path. I've been letting "go" of control, you know, and in doing so, am finding that binge eating is dissappearing again into the background. No urges, no fighting, no dieting, no counting calories, no following plans, no only raw, no only 811. I'm only following me and my intuition. Is THAT ever new!

So, I had my heart set on a falafel for dinner. Something about crisp romaine was attatched to it as well.

Well, after my mom tried on lots of new clothes (some of hers were stolen at the rehab, can you believe that?), and i washed and styled her hair, it was time for her dinner with the other rehabbers, and I, too, was hungry. Usually i'd sat there eating bananas like a freak, but tonight was different.

I had wanted to wait until I got home to eat, where I could make the falafel, but I was hungry. I was HUNGRY and you know what? I decided to eat the peice of challah the aide offered me. Mmmm, delish!

Wow, then, it turned out that two of the rehabbers didn't show up for dinner, so there were two meals free, which the aides offered me.

Hm. What do i do? The new me accepted after giving it a moment of thought. Yes, yes, thank you!

I enjoyed gefilte fish, more challah, some rice, some carrots, and a few cookies for dessert. I wrapped up the brisket for Cliff.

As i was eating, i could fully realize it wasn't exactly what i was hankering for, but i was hungry, and it was filling me, and you know what? Not everything in life is fantastic. It was 'alright.'

When I ate the cookies, i looked around and saw everyone else eating them, and felt "safe," and like "why the HELL not?" What, should i say NO now like i normally do, and then eat an entire bag on the car ride home, along with icecream, a tuna hoagie, muffins, mac 'n cheese, and god knows whatever else on a huge binge? Or do i eat a few cookies...and enjoy?

They weren't the best cookies, but again, they were okay. i even gave the last 2 to my mom because "i'd had enough." There usually is NEVER enough for ME. I'm usually like a garbage disposal. Suddenly now, i have control.

After dinner was over, i felt some anxiety, some fear about what i had just done. I sat with it, questioned it, noticed i felt a little dizzy from the bread and cookies (i'm usually NEVER PRESENT in a binge and don't NOTICE how i feel from certain foods). And then a peace came over me. No, it wasn't the most delicious dinner, but it was fine. And i was fine. And the desire to binge diddn't come over me. And i ate what i wanted and even had cookies and the sky didn't fall in and I didn't blow up to weight 500 lbs immediately. It was kind of a neat, liberating experience. Wow.

What was the NEATEST part, is that later, in the kitchen where they stow the cookies, i didn't even WANT anymore cookies. I tested myself. i opened the cabinet where they keep them, where i've dug my chubby greedy paws many a time on my way out of the rehab, taking handfulls of cookies with me. Well, i didn't NEED to have anymore. I didn't WANT anymore. I didn't need to SNEAK anymore. I had eaten a few out in the open. No one yelled at me, not even the voice that's been living in my head apparently. I just enjoyed.

When eating and dinner was done, it took a few minutes for my head to calm down, but...the whole thing was just OVER, like after eating SHOULD be. Over, gone, evaporated. Just like how normal people treat food. They don't continue to dwell and obsess on it like i do, or did. But didn't tonight.

I came to the conclusion, then and there, that binge eating is most definitely a mental illness, and I am on the right path to ridding myself of it.

The dieting only exacerbated the binge eating.

What i ate may not be the HEALTHIEST food, it was all dead, not live, but, BUT, I accepted the food as if it were the healthiest in the world with zero guilt. AND in giving up the guilt...and the shame....i gave up the binge.

HALLELUJAH!

In my case, for today, for right now, i need to learn to eat "sinful" or "cooked' or "bad" or "unhealthy" food....IN ORDER TO GET M E N T A L L Y HEALTHY. Go figure.

I have also been working here on the blog recognizing that binge eating is a spiritual disorder, when there is no internal "parental" force in charge of the out of control child, acting out with food. This concept is still doing wonders for me.

I contacted this "feeling" or "place" or "notion" or "concept" several times today...and it worked. I just get real quiet, focus on my hands tingling (i learned this in a meditation exercise from www.fhu.com), and zero binge eating...even after eating forbidden foods...like bread, like cookies!!!

The rest of the day was good, too. What good means to me today is that i ate IN A MEAL and FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.

For breakfast I had a raw chocolate banana shake. OOOoooohhhhhh, but it's a sin...but it's too fatty...but agave isn't really raw....but cacao is a stimulant. That all seems like a bunch of fearfilled malarky today. I didn't care about ANY of that for today.

Today, I am eating what i want. And there is someone or something in charge of that. Pretty cool.

And my lunch was awesome! For lunch, Cliff and I shared a marvelous, marvelous arugala salad at a swank little cafe in Frenchtown, NJ, which we followed by delicious wrap sandwhiches. I got the veggie wrap, he got the chicken. After finishing the first half of the wrap, i realized that if i ate the 2nd half, i wouldn't feel like walking around with my cliffy love, which i wanted to do, so i easily realized i didn't need or WANT to eat the 2nd half, had it wrapped up for home, and FORGOT about it.

AMAZING.

Amazing to be FREE of the OBSESSION of food!

I feel GOOD and FREE! I tell you, if it weren't for being heavier, i felt like a normal person!!! I feel happy and good.

I'm learning to accept myself. Accept my desires. I'm OKAY!!!!

Focusing on raw right now seems counter to the internal work i'm doing. There is some serious healing happening from the inside out. It's pretty miraculous.

And in not focusing on raw, i'm wanting and desiring raw naturally, not because i 'should,' but because i'm craving it!!! At the market tonight, the berries pulled me their way, the romaine, the parsley. Mmm, can't wait to eat them!!!

Of course, the Indian Nan bread called me also. And you know what i said? "Hello, Nan, come to my basket and i will eat you and enjoy you like a normal person!" As long as the parent or the Heavenly Father or whoever that authoritative spirit is that's been in control is welcomed to take control daily, i can apparently eat what i want, ENJOY IT, completely LET GO of the mental obsession of food, and NOT binge.

Fatter? yes, i am.

Happier? yes, i actually am. "F Doug Graham!!!"

Growing in confidence? yes. yes. wow, yes.

Hopeful for the future?

YES!!!!

YES!!!

YES!!!

xoxo michelle joy

MORE THOUGHTS ON CONTROLLING THE OUT OF CONTROL "CHILD"

Hey there,

Thanks for your comments on yesterday's post. I appreciate your honesty and feedback and really see your points of view.

That said, I'm working hard on trusting myself now. Maybe i'll fall flat on my face, but i'm seeing some evidence of success.

As an FYI, I have been to so much therapy - 4 Hospital Inpatient Eating Disorder Programs, many eating disorder nutritionists and therapists. Just as my singing teacher arrived when i was "ready," I'm going to trust God that the right therapist/teacher will arrive when I am ready.

Right now, i'm going to stay on my own for a little while. I understand it can be intolerable to read. I'm sorry.

I think alot about Geneen Roth and the process her students go on, learning how to stop binge eating and I'm sure they go through pounds of butter as well, until they figure it out. My health is a concern, certainly, but honestly, i can't see going on another diet or "811" if I'm just going to gain it all back, which i just did. It seems pointless.

~ ~ ~ ~~

I wrote the following last night. It was really helpful to me in recognizing that the focus of my out of control eating has been askew for a long, long time.

~ ~ ~ ~

So, my mother and father had a hard time controlling my eating as a child.

My brother and I are both adopted, so we're not genetically connected to my parents, or each other. My brother was always naturally slim. I was always naturally plump. My mother is a naturally thin person, as well. My father can have a tendency to be heavy, but was slender as a young man and adult, but when he got older and became less and less active, he put on weight.

My brother, being naturally thin, liked the good stuff - canned Chef Boyardee Ravioli's, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, Tastykakes, icecream. My thin mother bought these items freely for my thin brother.

I, on the other hand, have been on a diet since I'm 10 years old. My mother bought me celery sticks and lo-fat dressings. I was forbidden from eating "Ricky's food."

When i came home from school, it was a big binge time for me. I remember being alone, as at that time, my mom was working, I was supposed to be vacuming, but there I was raiding the cabinets for my brother's food. I made many a can of his private Ravioli's, enjoyed many a box of his stolen Mac'n cheese.

It would be discovered that something of his was missing from the cabinets and I can just hear my father's voice, yelling for me, "Michelle?!!!!!" "Yes, Dad," my heart pounding. "Did you eat Ricky's Macaroni and Cheese?" Guilty, i nodded yes. "God dammit, you're gonna become the side of a barn!"

Maybe i did it to get attention? As a kid, you want any kind of attention you can get, even negative attention.

Soon my mom began hiding Ricky's special reserved foods all over the house. There would be canned Raviolis in the dining room cabinets and the mac 'n cheese would be hiding behind her china, as well. In mom's upstairs closet, I discovered many assortments of cookies, chocolates, M&M's. It became like a fun game! I'd search and dig and wow, find them all, and eat up everything! Success!

I was constantly getting punished for eating Ricky's food.

The punishing really didn't work. I still couldn't control myself. I still stole his food. My mother kept hiding it, thinking this time I wouldn't find it. My eating has been out of control for quite a long time.

Dinner time was never a pleasant experience. My father was never happy. He was harsh and overly critical, unkind, insensitive. I don't think i ever felt loved. I felt used and abused. I recall I was always full from my after school binges and that dinnertime was tense and hurtful. When cleaning up after dinner, i'd steal the food i wasn't allowed at dinner.

Stealing food is a very, very old pattern. Today i steal Cliff's food.

I know now of the pain i was stuffing. Pain from school, name calling and difficulties with school work. Pain from sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse and hitting, too. Pain from constant shaming, name calling, belittling from people who supposedly loved me. I know I was acting out alot and that no one noticed that anything was "bothering" me... They only noticed the missing food and me getting fatter.

I recognize i'm TOTALLY guilty of that as well. I have pains today I rarely talk about, things in my many close relationships i'm not happy with, things that bother me, worry me. I don't talk about those enough. My dissatisfaction with my house, my way of life, my lack of a career... No, I talk about food and being fat. I'm guilty of doing just what my parents did.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Somehow whenever I connect and really think about the parent in me taking charge, i'm able to break free of binge eating. I'm talking about the good and loving parent in me. (There is also the overly critical parental voice that lives in me as well.)

The child, the one who binges, for fun, for pleasure, in boredom, putting off what needs to be done, procrastinating, being fearful, anxious, for really any reason, can so easily overtake my internal psyche. She takes charge so easily, i really don't even notice.

I have to consciously connect with that good parent.

It dawned on me that the good parent is really probably the same as the "higher man" concept in Christianity. And the out of control child is probably akin to the "sin self" in Christianity as well. It's all the same thing, but you can call it different names.

~ ~ ~ ~

When I think of my cousin and how she is with her three grown daughters, i often become very angry at her, not at her children. Her chidren are miserable, nasty, rude and mean to their mother. But, my cousin trained her children to treat her like they do. She does everything for them, bends over backwards for them, and they treat her like crap, are not considerate of her, nor loving, or caring. She has little control over them. Or rather, she has ALLOWED them to take control.

She gave away her control. She's desperate to get their love, but she doesn't have their respect.

When we allow children to take charge, things don't work out too good. Children don't have the wisdom to make the right choices and decisions.

When I wake up and don't get in contact with my "higher man" or the good parent in me, the child or my sin self can take over so easily.

This appears to be a spiritual problem, binge eating.

~ ~ ~ ~

I remember when I did my student teaching in German how awful it was. I have a PA Instructional I Certificate to teach German, yet I do not teach German. For fear of the children. I let them walk all over me. I had very little control over them.

The child in me, the timid child, was in charge and did a very poor job of it. I'm sure i did my fair share of eating then, too. I was quite heavy at the time.

Not possessing a wise internal authority figure, teaching became unmanagible. The lack of control over myself or others has kept me from pursuing school teaching all of these 20+ years, although i am certified.

~ ~ ~ ~

We've spoken about my terrible housekeeping. Did i tell you what i used to do as a kid, to my school desk? To my locker? I just cleaned out the back of my car today of binge wrappers and it reminded me. All of the wrappers filled a giant trash can.

Well, as a child I was no different. My elementary school desk was so jam packed with papers, old homework, old lunches, books, that the teacher wrote a note to my mother to come in and clean the desk out.

And my locker in high school smelled so bad from all of the diet lunches my mother packed me that i didn't eat - i preferred to borrow money and buy fattening lunches - that my mother used to come to school, at night, when no one was in the hallway, and clean out my locker for me.

Making messes has been another lifelong pattern. Ask Megan "Megabytes" about my house and she will tell you i'm still in that holding pattern. I have a room upstairs that was once so nice, but is now so jammed with stuff, that you can't even walk in there.

~ ~ ~ ~

Making shrimp for Cliff tonight, i realized I didn't have to eat it, that the parent could be in charge.

Suddenly, it was easy to say no. I walked by the shrimp over and over again and felt no urge to eat it. Wow. I KNOW I've hit upon something with all of this.

If i am going to get myself in control, i am going to have to wake up every day, contact that parental higher place, meditate on it, pray about it, and allow that higher wisdom to really take charge. I'll have to check in with the parent many times a day. It sounds good. What's so wrong with that?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I am a huge fan of THE SUPERNANNY, you know, the TV show about parenting? The website is: http://www.supernanny.com/. Jo, the supernanny is so incredible, such an amazing parental force, loving, disciplining, nurturing, calm, in control. She is my idol! Jo is so adept at analyzing behaviors and finding solutions. My God, she is AMAZING. I have always loved that show since my teaching days. How does she KNOW how to do all of that stuff?, i often marveled. She would take a kid that was so out of control, acting out, and teach the parents to take charge, take control, with seemingly simple techniques, and the results were astounding, as long as the parent really committed to the course Jo created for them, and followed through on the advice.

Sometimes the advice seemed CONTRARY to what you would THINK would help. Such as with a crying baby. Jo teaches the mother to NOT pay attention to the child, NOT pick her up. She directs her to NOT make eye contact, sit in the bedroom, moving closer and closer to the door. After a few days of this, the child realizes she is safe being left alone and that mommy will not respond to her tantrums. Amazing.

At the follow up portion of the show, the kids are often in good control following their new routines, much happier to be in control that out. The parents are happier, too.

I think my problem is often that I don't follow through with a plan i'm on. Like now. I could easily get cold feet, get scared, give up, run back to dieting just when i am so close to actually contacting something akin to SELF CONTROL. I usually jump around from one plan to the next, from one expert to the next, instead of really digging my heels in and committing seriously to what I want. The problem is - i haven't established really sincerely what plan felt worthy of committing to.

I'm coming closer and closer to that realization.

I did well today with my food, all raw while working at Arnold's Way, a chocolate smoothie and a green smoothie for breakfast, some hummus and veggies and raw crackers for lunch, and then a big salad, raw cheese and organic crackers for dinner.

I'm realizing that I want it all. I want to have my cake and eat it, too. What's wrong with dreaming?

xoxo michelle joy

THE INNER PARENT/CHILD CONCEPT

Hi there, Folks, [i wrote this the other day]

How are you all today? It's an absolutely gorgeous day here in Philadelphia. I've been up since about 4:30a.m., busy with dishes, straightening up, laundry, emails, etc... and my zoom-zoom is wearing off. Yet, i have the desire to write... So, write i will do.

I ate breakfast this morning - a typical binge meal, but it did not lead to a binge - a large peice of bread, 3 eggs, the equivalent of probably 4 slices of cheese, all melted into a fabulous omelettey type of thing. I know it probably sounds disgusting. The 4 slices of cheese part is frightening. I'm freaked out as i write this.

What's amazing is - i didn't binge afterwards. Instead, i cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Wild!

Now, granted I don't feel fantastic. I have gas, my feet and ankles are swollen, i have reflux, but I keep choosing to eat cooked, so maybe i'm just going to stop fighting myself already and go with the flow.

Yes, it would certainly benefit my weight and everything else if i could learn to eat LESS, smaller portions and less fatty foods. But, i didn't binge...and that is really NEW. Fattening fattening food that doesn't lead to a binge? Something has really changed on the INSIDE of me to make that possible.

More on that in a sec. First, let me tell you about yesterday. What a wacky wild bizarre day. I binged...about all day. I know, i know, i thought i wouldn't, but i did. I thought and meditated on it. Did i feel shame? Did i hate myself? Did i feel driven by the abusive parent within?

I didn't. You know what it was? ANXIETY. Why are there so many reasons for eating?

I had my first opera rehearsal for my new opera last night. So, i ate, from anxiety, all day. I knew it, i saw it, yet, i decided to continue.

I was dissappointed in myself, like, geez, every new insight i come up against doesn't HOLD or STICK. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought i rid myself of shame...and it would be gone, but i'm still binge eating?

The little voice inside spoke to me and said, "Dear, no one, not any of us can expect to incorporate a new concept into their lives without a little trial and error. You need to stay COMMITTED and TRUST the process."

So, here i am, on my raw blog, talking constantly about eating cooked food.

I'm really sorry to be doing that, really sorry to find myself in this predicament, really sorry especially when i see pictures of the 250 lb me and know i'm so so much heavier today, really sorry when i barely fit into the patio chair at starbucks, really, really sorry.

But, all i can say is - something inside of me is telling me I need to be right here today.

I don't know if it's denial. Or a little blossoming bud of a new concept taking hold.

This little picture of a baby grabbing an adult finger makes me feel like maybe the little recovering child in me needs to take baby steps in her recovery and that it's okay. Fall down go boom? Get right back up!

Maybe someday I will realize i need to eat lighter and better, and actually WANT to do that.

What was so incredible about yesterday, was that even though i had horrible reflux, i had probably THE best singing rehearsal of my life. The singing continues to just get BETTER and BETTER!

Why? Why? Why? When i was on 811, i had ZERO reflux (swelling in the larynx), but i was filled with fear, anxiety, whew, i was a basket case. I guess in the midst of detox, everything "coming up," it was too much to expect myself to sing well?

And now, I eat all of this fatty shit all day...and i'm singing amazingly???

First of all, i think it has something to do with feeling in control. Even if i overdo it, i'm somehow in control right now, instead of say, Dr. Graham. There is a level of peace and calmness about that. And confidence.

Second of all, the "inner parent/child concept" has really been extremely powerful for me and incredibly motivating to worry less and to effortlessly DO better. It's affected my eating, and most miraculously, my singing.

Somehow, when i think and meditate on the fact that inside of me live two people - the PARENT AND the CHILD, suddenly, so much of my life comes into focus and makes sense. No wonder i often have such anxiety about singing. The child part of me is scared and in control then, and the parent is having a coffee break, unaware of the suffering child. And, no wonder i'm such a mess and have such a sloppy, dirty, disorganized house. The child is acting out her pain, and the adult in me is not taking control. The child is in charge. What an irresponsible parent I have living in me! And no wonder I binge. The child, again, is acting out, and the adult in me is not taking control again, turning a blind eye, letting the behavior go on, unnoticed. No wonder Cliff and I both have a hard time controlling each other. He can't control my food, or that I don't clean house. I can't control that he doesn't fix things he says he will. No wonder. There's no parent living here! Just two rebellious children.

So, just the sheer act of meditating on this concept, of mulling it all around inside of my head, has apparently created within me a self-directed motivation - to NOT binge, to CLEAN, to EXERCISE, even. Yesterday i took a walk with Cliff, even in the midst of binge eating. Why? I suppose the parent was being loving and kind to her baby. So what she overdid it with food, again. The parent remembered what she had written in a previous blog about how exercise should not be connected solely to dieting, how exercise should stand on it's own, no matter WHAT is eaten. The parent heard that and in her wisdom, acted accordingly. She coaxed the child into wanting to take a walk.

Before last night's rehearsal, I had an amazing vocal warm up. The parent must have been in charge. Gone were the nerves, the fear, the tightness, the anxiety, the effortful trying without succeeding. I was calm, i remembered what i'm being taught, i felt my way through the session doing what felt right and familiar from the lessons i've been taking. Using my new technique, I had a good warm up, crucial to good singing.

And when i sang at the rehearsal, i was calm, i relaxed my tounge, relaxed my gut, my mouth, the parent was in control - and she knew what she was doing and sang beautifully! I heard hushed whispers from my colleagues of, "beautiful!" I received many compliments after the rehearsal, "You have SUCH a beautiful voice! It's so strong! You sound so much better, so much FREE-ER than in the last opera!" Wow, did THAT feel good. I was ON TRACK and knew it. You know how you know your own name? I just knew it. The proof is in the pudding. Low notes, high notes, high piannissimos, runs, fortes, they were all easy. Yay!

Someone was in charge...and it wasn't the nervous irresponsible fuck up irresponsible child. It was something strong in charge. It was my adult. She was competent and in charge.

And today, who the hell starts cleaning after a breakfast like THAT??? Most of us would take to our beds and nap off all of the cheese. But, something strong in me just KNEW what had to be done.

Who is this lady, i like her! [It's ME, why can't she direct my days ALL of the time?]

P.S. The DIATOMACEOUS EARTH also helps me tremendously in digesting all of this crap. If it wouldn't be for the D.E., i wouldn't be feeling so energetic. That shit WORKS. I should sell it on here and make a commission, i believe in it so strongly!!!

The inner parent/child concept feels so right. But, it will take some time to get it consistently. Look, anything we have to work at.

I have a feeling that if i can learn not to binge after eating anything, i'll soon move back to raw foods, naturally. The parent will want to feel BETTER and BETTER and the child will say, "OK!"

I think right now the child is in charge of the food choices..."more cheese, mommy, more, you never let me before!" and the parent is saying, "Okay, honey, if you want it." I think there is a testing phase going on. Will the parent REALLY be kind and loving, even after 4 peices of cheese??? And after eating, the child looks up at the usually shaming parent to see a reaction and she's only getting hugged and loved. Soon, she will not want 4 peices of cheese, on her own.

Something about this feels very organic and healing.

The swollen feet and huge ass don't feel great, but maybe i've been putting the cart before the horse all of this time, trying so hard to lose weight quickly, without developing skills to keep it off, namely, eradicating binge eating. How can i ever hope to get thinner if i never learn to stop binge eating? Whatever extreme program i go on, i inevitably go off of and gain the weight back. So, why not just make peace, work towards better and better habits, and accept myself and the slow progress i'll need to make to really get this?

For today, parent and child are holding hands and at peace.

I think it will only get better the more I work on it.

~ ~ ~ ~
Wednesday eve, Sept 22, 2010

God, reading what i wrote the other day i feel so stupid for doing so badly today. Where was that parent in charge today? The CHILD was IN CONTROL TODAY, BABY. Self will run riot. Though i ate and ate and ate today, i still went for a fantastic walk and even considered taking a swim today. Something still is at work good in me, it's just not all there, by any means.

I wrote this earlier.

I'm not doing so well, at all. I am so fat. Eating like crazy. I don't feel depressed though, isn't that wierrd? All of that writing on shame really did do something, the only thing it didn't do is stop the eating as i had hoped.

Today i felt like going back on raw. I'm embarrassed and scared to go to Arnolds tomorrow. I think i'm fatter than i was last week. I don't know what to do about the diet. If i do go back on raw, i have to work in some treats. I was even thinking maybe i would go back on the bananas for one more shot. I don't know what to do. Cooked food is so delish.

I'm really at my wits end. I know it's emotional. I know it's physical. I know so much. Yet i just eat and eat. It's fun. Then i look in the mirror and i'm like, 'holy crap'. It's like i'm totally disconnected from my body. It's just a fun pleasurable activity.

It also doesn't help that i'm not working full time. I have too much time on my hands and that's my worst problem. I had been going to my mom daily and then my eating got so bad i'm totally slacking off, wasting time, just eating. I'm in a bad way.

Anyway, you know what i was thinking today? I was thinking of this bunkmate i had at OHI who kept eating cooked food even at the retreat. I was like, 'huh? what IS she here for?' I was SO convinced that cooked food was poison for me and that belief was the only thing that got me through those 8 months. For several months, this bunkmate and I roomed together and she kept eating cooked food when she would go out and she'd inevitably overdo it and would come back, saying ' i don't know why i can't control cooked food, why do i always overdo it?' and i kept saying to her, 'because it's addictive,' like i was so sure.

Then we go home, and of course still keep in touch. We became so close and so fond of each other. And, in a few months she had gained 1/2 of her weight back already, and miraculously, i had not. i kept saying to her, 'that's because of the cooked food. i never went back and you did.' So now, she gained everything back, and look at me, on a raw blog praising cooked food daily, i'm well on my way to it, to gaining it all back.

I must be in some serious denial. All because of cooked food.

For 3 years my weight would go up and down like 30 lbs sometimes, but never more. Even when i binged on Brads Chips, i never gained like this.

I just keep thinking back to those blissful raw days and saying to myself, 'man, i was BETTER then.'

I think about what Dr. D said, "Are you happier?"

NO.

Where has cooked food gotten me? Sure i've had some pleasurable meals, felt normal eating at Friendy's, but so what? The magic always breaks down.

Last night i ate the entire huge tub of greek yogurt, awesome stuff by the way, and 4 slices of toast with butter. I have finished a lb of butter in just a few days.

Should i go to weight watchers, should i get an eating disorder therapist, should i go back to dr. d, should i just eat regular raw, should i do modified 811, should i just keep eating cooked and working on my inner child/parent, will I gain everything back?

I don't know what to do.

I know i don't like the way i look. And it's unfortunate that the fun activity of eating leads me to looking gross. I wish it didn't.

Any advice, i will gladly consider.

xoxo michelle joy

MEGAN ELIZABETH!

Hi All,

You've heard me talk about Megan many times before! She's the wiz that cleaned my basement and house...we were at the Brad's Raw Chips party together...I've often affectionately referred to her as "Mega-bytes"...she is an amazing raw chef and all around fantastic organizing force. (The Vibrant Living Festival was one of Megan's babies!) Well, our dear little Megabytes is in HAWAII...on a WATER FAST!!! Please send out your healing, loving vibes to her on her fantastic new journey!

For many years, Megan had been suffering from Candida, and adrenal fatigue. Her Candida left after she found 80-10-10, but she's interested in ridding herself of the adrenal issue once and for all...thus has agreed to go to a fasting clinic. To read more about her story before she went raw, click here: http://meganelizabeth.com/about-me/

Oh, this is kind of cool - To watch a video of her and Dr. Nick on the 2nd day of her water fast, click here: http://meganelizabeth.com/

What's so amazing about Megan is how she handles her diet. For the majority of her days, she eats 811, that means very little fat, no salt and no nuts, mostly fruit and greens. Everytime I see Megan, she usually has a plate of cut up mango in her hand. Some days i think she will turn into a mango, but, nope, she just gets cuter and prettier and more adorable the more mangoes she eats! Or you'll see her munching on plain romaine. She and Joey are big into munching on romaine. Megan is also the queen of the tropical fruits. She introduced the Arnold's Way crowd to Sapote (i think that's what it was), which kind of tasted in it's raw ripened state like a baked sweet potato...she made the most amazing egg-scramble thing out of it. Megan knows all about tropical fruits you've never even heard of! Come to think of it, every time i see her at Arnold's, too, she's digging into some kind of box she's ordered online of some wierd and fantastic and yummy tropical fruit. None of us had ever tried jackfruit until Megs introduced us. It tastes like Juicy Fruit gum! It's awesome! So, our Megs is BIG into fruit, which makes up the majority of her diet. But, every once in a while, she and her b-friend, Joey, who is so awesome by the way, go out for a goumet raw meal...to NYC or somewhere locally, and, mmmmm, they just enjoy completely. They get their fill, and then go back on 811 the very next day! Or they'll go get a healthy vegan cooked meal, enjoy guilt-lessly, and again, get right back on track. They live well, love well, enjoy fruit most of the time, have such improved health, and have the best of ALL food worlds! Megan is my diet idol!

To read about her last meal before she went away to the fasting center, click here: http://meganelizabeth.com/2010/09/last-dinner-before-hawaii/-dinner-before-hawaii/

For those that might want to learn how to make delicious tasty recipes that are SIMPLE and healthy, Megan now has over 30 PUBLISHED raw vegan recipes that will show you colorful, delicious creative meal ideas that fit into the 811 program using no salt, no nuts and very little fat. I can attest to the fact that they are DELICIOUS! (Megan made all of the food for the Vibrant Living Festival, changed Arnold's menu at Arnold's Way, makes food everyone raves about at the potlucks, and is super dooper creative.) You will love her recipes. And you'll be supporting a pure-raw-joy friend! To purchase her new raw ebook, let Megan show you that it can be "EASY TO BE RAW" by clicking on her "books" link on her website right down here: http://meganelizabeth.com/books/

If you sign up and join her new website, you automatically get access to her video recipe of basil mint pesto. This is a favorite at Arnold's Way you are sure to love. Again, low fat, salt free, but yummo! http://www.meganelizabeth.com/

And here's a treat for the overstressed - For those of you that want to just relax for 10 minutes and enjoy beautiful picutres, here is an awesome slide show of images Megan shot on her water fast in Hawaii. How lovely! Do yourself a favor and do the slide show and just breath deeply and enjoy. http://www.flickr.com/photos/meganelizabethmcdonnell/show/with/4998958093/58093/

The fasting center that Megan is at: http://www.hawaiianfastingretreats.com/

More info on Dr. Nick: http://www.chooselifeministries.org/

To see more videos and pics of Megan, check out her facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/meganelizabethmcdonnell

xoxo michelle joy

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE EATING, IT'S WHAT'S EATING YOU!

Well, if what i did today holds....i know that i know the answer.

It's not the food that caused binge eating.

Nope, it was the shame.

~ ~ ~ ~

So today was a big experiment in self trust and it was certainly interesting!

I was supposed to start working with Dr. D again today. I ate a banana for breakfast. I did my mother's hair and spent the morning with her at the Rehab. I was feeling good and happy. And i realized, i didn't want to follow Dr. D and eat more bananas - I had a whole bag with me.

Nope, I wanted fish 'n chips today, and i said to myself, "You know what? You will never know for sure if you've hit upon something...that SHAME has been driving your binge eating...and NOT food, unless you can go eat fish 'n chips today....and NOT binge. Then you will know. No amount of bananas will remove the internal pervasive toxic shame that had taken hold in you. But you feel free of it, cleared of it. You need to see for yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your instinct. If you can eat and enjoy and not binge, you've really hit upon something."

FRIENDLY'S RESTAURANT
I figured they'd have fish 'n chips. I walked in. I felt proud. No feelings of unworthiness. I felt just like a nice heavy-set nicely-dressed lady walking in. I checked the menu first before I got seated. Did they have what i wanted? Yes!

I love them, so I ordered the mozzerella sticks, one of my favorite binge foods, as an appetizer. Freakishly, i only wanted a few bites. The rest lost their appeal almost immediately. Gone was the drive. Now, a newly exorcized-of-shame person, i suddenly had self control over my food. I cleaned out my purse until the entree came. I smiled at the grandmother with her granddaughter in the table across from me. I listened in to the conversation. The mozzerella sticks just sat there. They didn't say my name ONCE! I could take them home and enjoy them at another meal!

The fish 'n chips came! It looked good! Only the crispiest fries did i want. The soggy ones held no interest for me. The fish was good and i finished it! I wrapped up all of the leftovers. Imagine me, eating fish after 4 years. Who woulda thunk it.

I ordered 1 scoop of chocolate icecream. I left some in the bowl because i didn't want anymore. Normalcy restored. Is this for real?

I drove home with the food in my car. Not once did it call out to me. I sang, instead, and honestly, forgot about it. My singing was good, free. The channels had been cleared. Not because of what I ate, but because of my new attitude, my new CLEAN heart and clean mind and clean Spirit. Shame-free. Shame-free feels amazing.

What is shame? That feeling that i am a disgusting human being, that i despise myself, that i'm hopeless and unworthy. It was gone. Lifted. I feel filled with love. Those affirmations I wrote out in the last blog touched something deep and dirty in me and cleaned it free.

I understand how people who've been BORN AGAIN must feel. I feel like i've been born again.

I got home and put the leftovers in the fridge. This is sooooo Geneen Roth of me. I really feel cured. I don't think i'm deluding myself. I think i've hit what's been ailing me. It was what i was doing to myself - all of the shaming...it wasn't the food. It was a dark spirit that was living in me.

It's gone!

So, so long as I banish the self hatred, the self shaming, and consciously re-parent myself with love and caring and kindness and stop filling myself with ugly thoughts and feelings...., theoretically, i can eat anything....raw, cooked, gourmet raw, 811, and i won't binge.

I'm removing the SHAME from all food. I can now enjoy ANYTHING I want, anytime, when i'm hungry. I am free. This feels like a new beginning.

Jesus (a great Jewish Rabbi) once said that we can eat ANYTHING and it will not defile us, even if it is pork or not kosher or fried, so long as we BLESS it. The exorcism of shame i went through in my last blog has filled me with the most blessed feelings. I feel clean and free. So what if i ate fatty fried fish. It has no power to shame me ever again. No hatred lives in me. That spirit is gone.

Now i understand how Diane Hampton in "The Diet Alternative" stopped being obsessed with food. When you are filled with love....love for God, or become a loving parent to your inner child, you CAN eat anything without self-recrimination.

And, another point to note - cooked food never made me fat. Binge eating it did.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now, on to the question of HEALTH.

I had the leftovers for dinner. There was zero guilt. Zero feelings like i was doing something bad or that i wanted to beat myself up afterwards or even binge. I could NOT quite BELIEVE it.

That being said, the meal left me with indigestion, belching, reflux, and low energy. I didn't much feel like exercising or cleaning like i had planned on. I did go out shopping, but I felt zonked.

YES, what we eat affects how we feel. Of course. We KNOW that. Being intimately aware of what the power of raw food can do for us, we KNOW this.

What i didn't know...until just within the last day...is that what I feel - now having rid myself of TOXIC SHAME - has affected HOW I can eat. I ate fish 'n chips today and DIDN'T NEED to binge.

Wow.

That being said, do i WANT to eat it every day? Do i want to eat every meal cooked? Do i want to accept my 325 lb body and just live life and enjoy? Or do i want to lose weight? Do I want to eat raw? Do i want to continue to work with Dr. D?

You know what? I'm not sure! Now that the shame is removed, I suppose the choice is mine! Won't this be an interesting journey?

Sari, I forgot to thank you for your motivating comments that i learn to control myself. I never thought it would or could be possible, but I know now that it is.

Blessings to you,
xoxo michelle joy

"THE LAST EXORCISM" & SHAME

Hi Friends,

Just got back from the movies with Cliffy. We saw, "The Last Exorcism."

It is a very bad sin that i went to the movies on the holiest Jewish Holiday of the year, Yom Kippur, but the film so super struck me so hard, that i'll admit to the bad behavior, and tell you that i honestly believe it was a "supposed to be" thing that i saw it tonight. Hopefully God can forgive me. (I think He knows how i've been struggling.) He makes everything happen, and puts every desire in our heart. No wonder I wanted to see this movie. He knew this film would speak to me. (He has a sense of humor...a Christian film about exorcism on a Jewish Holiday!)

I SO related to the main female character of the film, Nell.

Here's how it all fit together for me.

I wrote to Doug Graham tonight saying that i was afraid to go back on 811 because i failed the first time, and that i had really tried, etc...

And the character in the film, Nell, says almost the same thing, and expresses the same fear of 'trying again' after her first exorcism didn't hold. "It didn't work before," she says. "And I tried. I really wanted it. I couldn't have wanted it anymore than i did. And it didn't work." It was like i was listening to myself. You know, when a movie speaks to you?

And Nell feels so terribly about these out of control behaviors she is doing. "It's like i can't control it. It just happens. It's not in my control." Nell would go out into the barn at night and kill chickens and killed the cat. She slashed her brother with a knife, and killed some other farm animals, too. No.........I'm not killing animals, but i FEEL just as badly as Nell. I really related to doing something horrible, and feeling filled with guilt, and not knowing why you do it, and so wanting to stop, but not being able to. No one wants to feel "out of control" of themselves...if you're eating 20 cheeseburgers or killing 20 hens. You just don't want to feel out of control.

Curious that i was watching about exorcism tonight, too, because i was just writing to Dr. D that i felt like I was possessed.

Dear Dr. D....There is something killing me in charge of me. The thing grows stronger the more stress i'm under. I think it must want to kill me, or i must want to kill myself, because that's what i'm doing with my eating. I yearn to be led from my OWN inner knowing and turn from 'experts' and say, "What the hell do You know about me? I'm in charge!," but, where is my inner knowing? I can't find it. The only thing inside me is something that wants to kill me and cause me weight gain and reflux and squash everything good that's in me, and kill my singing voice. I'm so scared to go back on 811 because i'll just fail again and i don't want to give up every food i love. "It's not for me," i say. Yet what IS for me? I can't keep doing this. This is what i did 4 years ago when i weighed 425. This is how i lived. I'm heading back there quickly. I'm in denial. i can't see the forrest through the trees. Continuing with you may be radical and crazy and i may fail again, but it would rip me out of this suicidal binge mission i am on. I keep telling myself that some kind of eating disorder therapist or someone behavioral or psychological or even religious/spiritual could help me better, explain to me why i do this.

The movie also has a familiar running debate about exactly what kind of help Nell needs. Psychiatric? Spiritual? Medical? I've been going through the same kind of questioning with myself. What the hell do i need and what the hell is going to help me????

The big "Ah-ha" for Nell's case came near the end of the movie, when Reverend Cotton tells Nell's father that she's not possessed by a demon, no, not at all. The poor girl, he explains, is filled.....with shame.

He explains...She's either been molested, raped or impregnated by a friend, and Nell is acting out her tremendous feelings of SHAME....for being pregnant. Nell is only 16. She's suppossed to be a Christian, suppossed to be GOOD and PURE, and she feels she is NOT any of those things. She's "acting out" her shame.

Well.

Well, did THAT ever hit home. So am i, I suppose, I'm acting out, too. Binge eating...is "acting out." And i have a history of abuse. And something about shame is really touching a HUGE nerve.

...SHAME.

The word, the concept....struck me hard.

I'm obviously filled with shame. I feel SO ashamed, for one.

So, I ask myself, 'What are you so ashamed of?'

'Your weight?'

The answer comes back a resounding yes. Forefront in my mind is the High School reunion that is coming up in less than a month. I think about high school and I don't have happy feelings. I was made fun of for being fat. Alex Chokas called me "Load" whenever i walked down the hallway. Talk about shaming me. I peered out from behind hallway corners to see if he was there. That stress would drive anyone to eat.

Also, I was thin at the last reunion I went to 20 years ago. I weighed 150 lbs. after being on OA HOW and i was stunning. It was "the new me!" The new me didn't last very long.

Yet, still, they will remember. How can I go now with how i look? With what I've gained...

Alex Chokas passed away, but I'm still ashamed of me and how i look.

Trying to dig deeper, i tell myself, "wait a minute!" I've weighed what i weigh today MANY, MANY times before, after LOSING weight, and felt like a SUCCESS. I weighed this weight when i was at the raw retreat, for one. And when i woke up at the raw retreat and weighed this weight, I felt WONDERFUL PRIDE about myself. I had lost 100 lbs. Wow! And i walked miles at this weight, and radiated love, and, pride, and sexy energy. I was in a GREAT place. I believed in raw, I was doing what i needed to do for myself, and I felt wonderful!

It's not just the weight.

It's more. I'm the same weight as I was once before at the raw retreat, yet, now i don't feel so good. I don't feel so happy. Now, it all comes tumbling out.

I'm in debt and spending money like water on food i don't need. I'm suffering physically, my back, my knees. Yet I keep treating myself like i don't matter. Stuffing myself. Making myself sick and bloated and tired and worn out. I don't feel pride today. I feel disgusted. I feel nausious. I feel sick. I feel hopeless. I have pains, again. I've failed constantly at controlling my weight and my eating. My house is a mess! And it's old. I have no money. We have no money. I'm not even married...yet. I'm still engaged after 2 years. I have no children. I don't feel responsible enough to take care of them, yet i cry when i see children on TV or out in the street. I yearn for a daughter. I haven't seen my mom in a few days because i have no energy from gaining weight and binge eating. I smell again, eating cooked food. I have a hard time walking again. I'm gassy. I feel gross and disgusting. I buy huge amounts of food and pretend to be normal, then i get in the car and eat and food drops all over me and people are probably watching me, disgusted by me, yet i don't care. I'd rather eat.

Who would want to go to a reunion with all of THAT inside of them...no matter what they weighed?

I've been filled with shame. Like the character, Nell.

With every binge, i've fallen into a deeper and deeper shame-based depression. The more I talk about it, the worse it gets. Now everyone HERE knows and thinks disgusting things about me.

In regular life, I just want to hide. But i can't. And every time i go out in public, who will i see? Someone who knows i'm supposed to be the raw success story? Feelings of failure have plagued me at every turn. In the market, at work, out walking. So much heavier, so uncomfortable. I can't move like I used to. My clothes are so tight. My bras and panties are cutting into me again.

I feel bad on so many levels, and i stuff it all. Food! Food! Pleasure! Stuff! Eat! I can't stop because i haven't been willing to look at it, at all of it, really examine it. Geneen Roth's book says our lives are right there on our plates. What the HELL did she mean???? I need to really LOOK at the binge eating, to look at how i feel, what i do, analyze the behavior, the feelings before and the feelings after....and ask why? I've just been like a freight train...that has lost it's brakes....eating, eating, stuffing, stuffing it all down.

No, it's so apparent now. It's not JUST the eating or the weight I'm ashamed about. It's deeper, much deeper. It's ME. It's how I feel about ME. It's my life. It's my lack of a real career. It's my house. It's all of the disgustingly humongous potential i have and that i do barely anything with it, while so many others with LESS talent do so much more.

I've not been believing in me. I've not been working towards getting what i want out of life like i should to really "get" somewhere.

Feelings of failure have been constant. "I'm no good. I'm a failure. I'm hopeless." These words reverberate in my head non stop. It's been so all-encompassing, so impossible to rip myself from these feelings and thoughts.

I didn't really recognize it until i saw this movie.

I've been drowning in SHAME.

~ ~ ~ ~

SHAME.

This is what Wikipedia says on it. Click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame

Apparently, the word shame is derived from a word meaning, "to cover."

Wo.

What does fat do? It covers.

I feel terrific inadequacy often. Whenever I sing poorly, or when i can't stay on my diet, feelings of inadequacy flood me.

What does shame do? It covers how i feel.

What does fat do? It covers.

What is it covering?

Pain.

~ ~ ~ ~

The experience of shame, wikipedia says, is different than guilt. Shame is "directly about the self, guilt is directed at an action."

Shame is self-blame and self-contempt. It is different than feeling guilty about 'something.' You feel miserable about being YOU.

You enter into something that feeds and feeds on itself. It is called the "SHAME SPIRAL."

I can SURE relate.

Dr. John Bradshaw, remember him from his days on PBS?, wrote books on "Toxic shame." Wikipedia says, "Toxic shame is...false, pathological shame. Bradshaw states that toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms of child abuse. Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly severe toxic shame. Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is possible to cope with."

Further, Wikipedia states, "The individual experiencing shame may feel totally despicable, worthless and feel that there is no redemption.... In addition, shame is often seen in victims of child neglect, child abuse and a host of other crimes against children."

~ ~ ~ ~

I've been having toxic shame. I fit the pattern. That's ME.

~ ~ ~

After I left the movie, I understood what's been driving me.

And I realized it was time to forgive. Time to move through the shame.

~ ~ ~ ~

Thanks "Max" for your perceptive insights into forgiveness, and to Glenda, my soul sista, who so gets me, we're so alike, and to so many of you who reached out with loving words to help me pull myself out of it. "Max," I think you hit the nail on the head, talking about lacking personal power and forgiveness. Cosmic, and Julie, and Pat, thank you so much for caring and for all of your insights. Mega-bytes, thanks for the swift kick in the pants. Thank you, Karifanka, and Sunny65 for your constant support and encouragement.

~ ~ ~ ~

My new goal is to focus on GRATITUDE, FORGIVENESS, SELF-LOVE, and POSITIVE SELF PARENTING...

The food getting clean...will follow.

It seems so simple when it hits you, and makes sense.

"Ah-ha..." I understand it all now...

~ ~ ~ ~

[Oh! In case you're wondering, Nell, in the movie, wasn't suffering from shame at all! She did give birth to the devil's child, which was red and bloody. The Pastor was also a Satanic Cult Leader, and the Pastor's wife, who delivered the baby, threw it into the fire and the baby exploded. Kablooey! KaPow! Snap, Crackle, Pop! ]

Let's do the same thing with SHAME. Throw it AWAY! Get thee away, Satan! Let's throw it in the fire...and be rid of it. "Buh bye!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'd like to dedicate some NEW THOUGHTS and NEW BELIEFS and new AFFIRMATIONS to myself at this moment.

I hear from many of you who are suffering still, too, so I hope these insights might help you as well. They feel really RIGHT to me, as if i've hit upon the REAL driving force of it all..... Maybe it makes sense to you, too?

Feel free to add to this ever growing list of AFFIRMATIONS with comments.

What new beliefs/thoughts/affirmations do you have for yourself? Any you think i've missed?

• I am a beautiful child of God. I deserve kind words and treatment from myself and others. I do not deserve to be "beat up" even when i do bad things, or perform badly. I deserve comforting words. I deserve kindness, sympathy, compassion, a gentle touch, and love.


• I deserve to feel my less than comfortable feelings and let them move through me, rather than stuffing them down with food. Stuffing my feelings with food is self-abuse and self-shaming. There is always alot of beating up going on then, too. Allowing myself to FEEL is natural and normal. Feeling BADLY is natural and normal. REACTING in the stress of the moment when i feel something negative (dissappointment in how my singing practice went, or dissappointment that i am less than perfect, etc...) with self-hatred, blame, self-shaming is abusive. I give up this way of dealing with mistakes and imperfections. It always leads to binge eating anyway.
  
• I accept myself as imperfect. Learning is a journey. I am allowed not to know. I am allowed not to understand. I trust all will be revealed.
  
• Binge eating is shame based and a "cover" up to what is really going on. I give myself permission to just BE. To just FEEL the pain of being imperfect.
  
• "Covering" up with binge eating and shaming is reliving my abusive past in some kind of food psycho-drama. It's time to be a GOOD, LOVING parent to myself, and not an abusive one. It's as if i talk to my inner-child like this, "You hurting, kid? You're worthless anyway. Here, here's some cookies. Now, just eat and shut up." Temporarily the kid is happy eating the cookies. Only the child is left feeling worthless and unable to learn how to SELF SOOTHE. The child learns the soothing is in the cookies, not within themself.
  
• Feeling my hurt is hard, but I can do it. I am a loving and SELF SOOTHING parent to myself.
  
• I am not worthless. I am worthy. I am so worthy!
  
• I am beautiful and loveable, no matter what i weigh. I forgive myself for gaining weight and for the binge eating that caused it. It was a faulty way to cope. I don't need to do it anymore. It doesn't work and doesn't make me feel good. But i didn't understand it until now.


• I am lovable no matter how badly i feel, how badly i do, or how badly I eat. I will re-parent myself and offer love, soothing comfort, a soft place to fall and only words of encouragement to myself from now on.
  
• I completely and totally RELEASE SHAME from my life. My inner parent never uses shame ever again.
  
• I forgive all abuse done to me. I forgive the abuse I've done to myself. They didn't, and i didn't know any better.


• I have a spectaculor voice that God has blessed. I have the potential to sing like an angel and have perfect control over my voice. I am dedicated to continuing to work on my singing in a new, non-abusive way. I don't shame myself when i don't get "it" right away. I am patient and loving with myself. I don't eat to make myself feel better. It doesn't work. It makes me feel worse and gives me reflux. Binge eating is self-abuse.
  
• I focus on my potential today. I focus on what i WANT. I want to sing beautifully. I want to sing as well as I possibly can. I want to enjoy life. I do the best I can for today. I leave the rest up to God.
  
• I trust that things will get better. I trust in goodness and that God will provide for me, help me to understand and improve. Trusting in food is a false god. Binge eating is self-abuse. It only gives me reflux. It's beating myself up. It hurts me and causes me pain.
  
• I clear the channels internally to let love and energy and singing flow. Love is the answer.
  
• I have an enormous appetite for LIFE, instead of for food. I open myself to life, to experiences, to the day. I enjoy the weather, my family, my house, my garden, my neighborhood, my chores, my responsibilities. I have gratitude to be alive! I cherish every moment!
  
• My inner child and I are happy to be together and spend our time together. I wrap my arms around her all day and tell her how marvelous she is and how i enjoy being with her and loving her. We are blissful together and do lots of fun things together.
  
• Food does not comfort the inner child anymore. I comfort her with positivity, encouragement, love, soothing talk, kind actions. Food plays no part in comfort anymore.
  
• I fill her - the inner child - with beautiful thoughts, beautiful dreams, beautiful desires, beautiful plans. I no longer stuff her with food or beat her up and tell her she's no good and a failure.


• I congratulate myself that I am taking back control. I congratulate my inner parent for stopping the abuse. I am not an abuser. I am a loving parent to myself.


• I forgive myself for keeping a messy house. My inner parent has let the inner child run out of control. I take control back. I reign her in and say, "Now, now, Honey. Pick that up. That's a good girl!" I give my inner child lots of praise and encouragement for anything she does to help clean up.
  
• I release the shame of being dirty and messy and having a dirty messy house. My inner child was acting out. I am a good self-parent today.


• I acknowledge tha i have lost 100 lbs. I am a huge success! I don't look any longer at the weight i've gained. I focus on the positive. I encourage my inner child, instead of shaming and discouraging her.


• I am grateful "we" have legs and arms that work! Exercise makes us feel marvelous and free! "We" love to move! "We" exercise no matter WHAT the inner child eats or how much "we" weigh or how bloated "we" are. Exercise always makes us feel good. "We" have fun together! "We" forgive ourselves. "We" love to swim! "We" love to play! There is no more shame around here! There is only LOVE with parent and child!


• "We" show up for life no matter what "we" weigh. My inner parent is PROUD of the inner child. She is doing the best she can. We enjoy feeling proud. We enjoy feeling good. There is no more abuse anymore. We love each other.
  
• Stopping binge eating makes the body and mind and spirit feel better and it benefits the voice. Stopping binge eating is possible when my non-abusive self-parent is in charge. She is a good parent and takes care of her inner child.
  
• If we make a mistake and go overboard, we forgive ourselves right away and renew our committment and get back on track. Binge eating meant there was no loving parent in charge, only an out of control kid screaming for love and attention. "I hear you, today, honey. I'm here for you and i love you." I know you were out of control because you were acting out. My answer now is to love you. I'll never abuse you again.
  
• Child and parent are integrated. I forgive myself when i fall short. I offer love, not abuse.
  
• I can do this! I can do anything. I am released from the shame cycle. I am released from a life of needing to binge eat in order to cope with life. I treat myself well. I encourage myself. I love myself.
  
• I no longer fear seeing people. They may recognize that i've gained weight, but that carries ZERO SHAME AND GUILT for me any longer. I tell myself over and over, "I AM PROUD OF ME AND DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH MY WEIGHT AND MY LIFE. I LOVE ME NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'VE STRUGGLED, OR GAINED, AND I ACCEPT MYSELF FOR EXACTLY WHO I AM TODAY, AND WHERE I AM AT WITH MY WEIGHT AND LIFE TODAY. I AM EXACTLY WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE TODAY."

~ ~ ~ ~

Clearing out the shame, recognizing what an abusive parent i've been to myself, dedicating myself to changing my abusive ways...filling myself with love and light, instead, ....and making way, allowing, opening the door to the good stuff in my life.....a cleaner diet, a cleaner house, a cleaner psyche, a cleaner heart, a clearer mind....is setting me back on track, I feel it.

It was so what i needed.

I feel refreshed and cleaned.

I've been exorcised of all of the shame.

Now i need to work on this daily. Incorporate this new way of thinking and being and feeling so fully into who I am that the exorcism will hold.

I already bought bananas and plan on getting back on track.

I am grateful to God, and grateful to you, my friends. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I know that this will all be for the greater good.

xoxo michelle joy