30 DAYS...40 LBS GONE!

Howdy, Folks,

With the help of Dr. Douglas Graham of http://www.foodnsport.com/, I've gone from 330 lbs to 290 lbs in one month, yay!

I get alot of questions inquiring exactly what i've eaten this past month of August. Here's what I ate!

Day 1
BR: 3 bananas
LN: 2 bananas
SN: 3 bananas
SN: 3 bananas
DN: 4 bananas

Day 2
Br: 6 bananas
Sn: 4 bananas
Sn: 3 bananas
Ln: 4 bananas
Dn: 4 bananas

Day 3
Br: 8 bananas
Ln: 5 bananas
Sn: 5 bananas
Dn: 7 bananas

Day 4
Br: 5 bananas
Sn: 8 bananas
Ln: 3 bananas
Sn: 7 bananas
Dn: 4bananas

Day 5
BR: 6 small bananas
LN: 3 large bananas
SN: 3 large bananas
DN: 5 small bananas

Day 6
Br: 12 small bananas
Dn: 7.5 bananas

Day 7
Br: 7 bananas
Ln: 3 bananas
Dn: 6 bananas

Day 8
Br: 7 bananas
Sn: 2 stalks of celery
LN: 7 bananas
SN: 1 stalk of celery
DN: 7 bananas

Day 9
Br: 7 bananas
LN: 4 bananas
SN: 2 stalks celery
DN: 6 bananas

Day 10
Br: 7 bananas
DN: 5 large bananas

Day 11
Br: 7 bananas
Ln: 5 bananas
Sn: 2 stalks celery
Dn: 3 bananas

Day 12
Br: 5 bananas
Ln: 7 bananas
Dn: 7 bananas

Day 13
Br: 3 bananas
Sn: 7 bananas
Ln: 3 bananas
Dn: 3 bananas

Day 14
Br: 6 bananas
Ln: 8 bananas
Sn: 5 bananas
Dn: 5 bananas

Day 15
Br: 7 bananas
Ln: 3 bananas
Dn: 6 bananas

Day 16
Br: 6 bananas with spinach, thick smoothie
Ln: 6 bananas with spinach, thick smoothie
Sn: 3 bananas, 2 celery
Dn: 4 bananas

Day 17
Br: 6 bananas and red leaf lettuce, smoothie
Ln: 7 bananas and twice as much lettuce, smoothie
Sn: 1 stalk celery
Dn: 7 bananas with lettuce, smoothie

Day 18
Br: 8 bananas with green leaf lettuce blended into green smoothie
DN: : 5 bananas

Day 19
Br: 4 bananas and 1 large container blueberries, handful lettuce
Ln: 7 bananas
DN: 5 bananas and 1 large container blueberries

Day 20
Br: 9 bananas
Sn: 1 date
Sn: a few bites of watermelon
DN: 1/2 very large yellow melon
SN: 2 corn on the cob

Day 21
Br: 8 bananas and lettuce.
Ln: 7 bananas
Dn: 7 bananas and lettuce

Day 22
Br: 8 bananas and lettuce.
Ln: 7 bananas
Dn: 7 bananas and lettuce

Day 23
Br: 9 bananas and lettuce
Ln: 3 bananas
Dn: 8 garden picked home grown tomatoes

Day 24
Br: 1 whole big casaba melon
Ln: 8 bananas and kale
Dn: 6 x-large peaches

Day 25
Nothing. I got my period. Sick!

Day 26
Fasted morning and afternoon...still sick!
DN: 1/2 small watermelon
SN: 3 nectarines

Day 27
Br: 1/2 very large casaba melon
Ln: 6 large bananas with spinach.
Sn: 3 purple plums
Dn: 3 nectarines.

Day 28
Br: 1/4 small watermelon
LN: 6 bananas
D: 8 small tomatoes, chopped with a few leaves of fresh sage from our patio garden

Day 29
Br: 1/2 small watermelon
Ln: 3 large peaches
D: cherry and roma tomatoes, 1 tiny red pepper, basil leaves cuisinarted into "salsa"
SN: large handful of spinach & 4 large bananas into thick smoothie.
Sn: 1 ear raw corn.

Day 30
Br: 1/4 small watermelon
Lunch: 6 large bananas blenderized with very big handful spinach
Sn: 4 large bananas
DN: cuisinart chopped salad of mushroom, tomato, red pepper, celery, lemon juice, mint and basil, 1 ear of corn kernels

Day 31
Br: 1/2 small watermelon
Ln: 7 banans blended with 3 handfuls spinach
Dn: TBA
Sn: TBA

UPCOMING - "Emotional Roller Coaster"
I'm very very interested to share with you the emotional roller coaster I went on during this month. I'll go back over my logs and do a summary of my emotional ups and downs. Believe me, it's been a ROLLER COASTER!

TEACHING FOR THE DAY: Patience is a virtue on 80-10-10! Hang in there! Expecting to feel good right away is not realistic in my experience. People who feel great on 80-10-10 right away must be really healthy already...because I have felt like shit on most days. Detox comes in waves and can last for WEEKS on end, with no break. Then, suddenly, it clears, all of a sudden, and i awake one day and feel MARVELOUS...and have a fabulous day, and I realize...."Aha...it was just DETOX! All of that struggle and feeling awful was worth it because today I feel WONDERFUL! And, this is how i will feel someday...all of the time!" And then i awake the next day and feel awful again. Such is detox! Trust your body and go with the flow!

xoxo michelle joy

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

I've lost almost 40 lbs in the 30 days I've been following a custom plan by Dr. Douglas Graham and emailing him daily and receiving email counseling by him daily.

I'm super enjoying it.

Month #2 is coming up in 2 days!

Dr. Graham, or "Dr. D" for Doug as he refers to himself, is suggesting our next course of action - opening up the food playing field a bit to include raw corn and avocado (eh, perhaps, it's in discussion, not sure what his determination will be), with one week per month of WATERMELON ISLAND to excelerate weight loss. He asked, "Are you up for it?" Well, it sounds hard and challenging, but like it would be worth it!

I am close to getting out of the 290's again, yay.

I can't believe just 1 month ago i was in desperation and hopeless and was so bloated and fat that my bras didn't fit anylonger, nor did my underwear. I felt hopeless that i would ever get back to where i was - below 300 lbs...and last summer weighing my lowest raw weight of 249 lbs.

My eating and weight totally spun OUT OF CONTROL. I was in shock over my mom and not coping, just stuffing, numbing. And once you get on that roll with binge eating, chemically, it takes on a life of it's own. The cravings take control of you. The sick, twisted mind that thinks food is actually HELPING you is in control. You're out of the picture. You're lost. Gone.

The fact that i was able (at a high cost, hiring Dr. D) to turn things around after only (ONLY) an 80 lb gain (in one year) is actually miraculous. I am the QUEEN of re-gaining all of my lost weight back PLUS MORE. When i was 21, i weighed 299 and lost 149 lbs, and weighed 150 lbs following OA HOW, another completely restrictive program i thrived under. After I went off of it, "it was as if a dam let loose." I never stopped gaining until i weighed well over 300 lbs. I gained ALL of it back, plus more.

This time, i didn't.

Today, with raw, thank GOD, i have MORE control, MORE ability to get back on track.

I'm so grateful to be back here.

I still have serious food thoughts daily. I imagine and dream about the day when i can eat "normally" and have pasta with parmesan and olive oil in Tuscany, and corn tortillas and guacamole and fresh salsa with salt and garlic in Tijuana. (I watch alot of cooking shows.)

Food is one of the GREAT pleasures of life....

For normal people.

I wish i was normal.

Maybe some day i can be? I think i'd need to pray and meditate NONSTOP, especially before eating to get "over" food's enormous all encompassing appeal to me. I'm am still obviously so caught up in it. I think of food still.

What's amazing to me is that on Dr. D's plan, i feel so entirely FREE of the clutches of food and binge eating. Like when i go to the market, i never get swayed to buy something i "shouldn't." I never compulsively pull over into a fast food restaurant and ask myself afterwards how i got there. I don't get EXCITED by food anymore. I'm FREE.

But, i still dream....

I LOVE that excitement over food!

Dr. D's plan was a quick fix in a way to rescue me from myself, from eating myself to death, and maybe it is the medicine i need today, to be severely restricted.

But, I yearn to break free. Break out. Crusty bread with butter. An off the cuff meal at an indian restaurant. A quick veggie burger and fries when i feel like it. Like NORMAL people do. Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you've had enough. Stay thin. Like normal people do who aren't obsessed with food, who just enjoy food when they're hungry, and don't think about it again until they are.

Could i ever be restored to that kind of a freedom within food? Ala Geneen Roth? It would be so nice. It's such a nice dream.

In that dream, there's no cancer or swollen feet or hemmorhoids or greasy skin and hair and armpit and vaginal odor and wierd rashes and reflux laryngitis. There's just wonderful food, glorious food, eaten with intense pleasure whenever i'm hungry...and never getting fat!

Maybe it's just a dream. Maybe it's just a fantasy like one drink is to an alcoholic.

I have a spiritual mentor, Roy Masters, http://www.fhu.com/, who was the FIRST person to ever tell me about raw. He wrote a book, "Eat No Evil," which i still have and should re-read. A very telling part of the book is when he describes what WE do to an apple to create an apple strudel, degrading it into something so enticing that people can't keep their hands off of it, when the plain, simple apple, from God's bounty is what was provided for us by our Creator. Masters explains that the apple is less-ego gratifying for us, that it doesn't HOOK us in...and addict us. What do they say, "A man's heart is through his stomach?" How many mamas rope their children into food addiction using matzo ball soup or a big bowl of pasta and meatballs or fried chicken? Cultural food is particularly addictive.

Nevertheless, Roy also insists that alcoholics CAN drink ONE glass of wine and learn to not abuse alcohol, but only if they are intensely centered and spiritually constantly aware and actively meditating and not acting from their "lower man," but from their "higher man."

We all have a gluttonous, sex addicted, drug addicted, lying, cheating "sin-self," which we can learn to keep at bay, with God's help, teaches Roy.

The Human Man, i think, is the only creature that needs to actively be connected to God in order to tame himself. We have free will, whereas the animals live on instinct. We have conflicting drives within us. One that will force us to eat or drink ourselves to our demise. And the other, which wants to save us from ourselves. The Devil and the Angel, one on each shoulder. It is human nature. It is the human condition. No wonder why alot of Christianity seems to make sense, even if we're not Christians. We all want to be saved from ourselves, especially when we have very out of control "lower selves."

Everygal writes: "I just come across your blog because I too have just read the Diet Alternative (bought an old copy on amazon). Although I am NOT a Christian I am a spiritual person and the book really strikes a chord with me! I have had a long history of bingeing and compulsive eating and that book (and Weigh Down) http://www.weighdown.com/ are the two that have come closest to describing my experience with that kind of uncontrollable eating. Ironically, they are both written by and for Christians. My faith in being able to overcome this is just a mustard seed but I am starting to pray everyday and begin all my mornings filling up on spiritual food before turning to physical food. GOod luck, blessings!"

Karen also stated that her "windows of peace," moments of time that she "sews to the spirit instead of to the flesh" have been intensely helpful to her, though she also does not consider herself a Christian.

Here's an amazing youtube video from the Weigh Down Workshop. Pretty convincing!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD45ICXtwhk

Masters himself is a Jew, but he says he understands what Jesus was teaching, and calls this thing within us that we need to develop "the Christ-light." He doesn't believe in going to church, or synogauge, but rather to contacting this light all day via mediation, and living from that. In that light, there is no food addiction. There is no alcoholism. There is awareness and self control.

I so resonate on a good day with good religious concepts. They really make sense to me.

Maybe Banana and Watermelon Island are learning experiences for me, as is eating raw, and maybe someday, somewhere over the rainbow, I could be restored to normal...and enjoy pasta and pizza in Italy like Julia Roberts...in EAT PRAY LOVE.

I'd need to do some SERIOUS spiritual work, intense and constant mediation and prayer, to be focused enough and non-emotional enough to overcome my pull toward food. Maybe, somewhere, over the rainbow.....

But, for today, this is it! Raw is a respite from that Devil, that "monkey on my back" as Dr D puts it.

Yes, it is. A very effective one.

I look forward to my next steps...avo, corn, watermelon island.

I'm committed to THIS direction for today, but what the future holds, no one knows!

xoxo michelle joy

I'M WORTH WAITING FOR

I woke up today not really feeling great again, very thirsty, haven't had a bowel movement. I feel very detoxy again today, after feeling good for maybe...1 day?

This journey is certainly a new "adventure" every day.

When i think about Dr. Graham's question, "what do you want?," the answer comes to me, "i want to FEEL GOOD."

And then i realize that that's precisely why i binge. Because i want to feel good...in the moment...when i feel badly...and i want pleasure and excitement and taste and texture and aroma and fullness from cooked food. I want to feel GOOD.

So, not to beat a dead horse, but i really want to ask myself again and again - Does binge eating REALLY ultimately make me feel good?

Laughably, it does NOT.

Walking, which is strenuous to do and a pain in the butt to get motivated, makes me feel GOOD. So, why is that so hard to do sometimes? Like NOW?

Is one about the EGO feeling good? And the other about something else, something natural and authentic and health-based feeling good?

There's an UNnatural way to make onesself feel good...from drugs or compulsive food or sex...and then there are Natural ways, like exercise, like friends, like good work.

And there's an UNnatural way of feeling bad, from overeating or eating the wrong stuff that makes you sick or not doing your work or being lazy...(you're covering something real up with like a fake way of feeling bad), and then there's a Natural way to feel bad - like feeling bad BECAUSE you're doing the right things and you're healing and you're moving and doing...you're cleansing, you're mourning, you're growing.

Wo, I just said eating/binge eating is an UNnatural way to make ourselves feel good OR bad. So, overeating/binge eating - is a cure-all for all ills...if you're up, it'll bring you down. If you're down, it'll bring you up. But, you only ever end up married to it and unable to break free of the vicous cycle.

I think we would all agree that it doesn't REALLY work. Maybe only temporarily.

So, what do i want? I want to feel GOOD from the RIGHT ways of feeling good in an ultimate way - from exercise, which feels bad for the moment but is ultimately good for you - from eating what i'm supposed to, which in the moment is hard and feels bad, but ultimately, it is supposed to make me feel good - and now, it makes me feel bad because i am in detox, but i feel good ultimately AFTER the detox.

How do we choose to make ourselves feel good today?

From the false high (or low)? The instant gratification that makes us feel GOOD in the moment, but BAD afterall...?

Or from the REAL things...that take TIME to develop permanent life long GOOD FEELINGS..., which may make us feel BAD in the moment?

Why is that so hard for us to do...to wait?

Well, i think precisely because when it comes down to it, we never give ourselves a chance to THINK about it. We just DO, EAT, REACT. We're excited by the food and we say, "YEAH, GIMME MORE! Chomp, chomp, chomp! Man, i feel FABULOUS!!!!!" It's afterwards, when we're fatter and sicker and feel like shit that we say, "What the hell did i do to myself?" It's the wolf in sheep's clothing.

Let's think about these things NOW. Before we do something we'll regret.

Let's feel BAD and LOVE IT...exercise and eat fruit and mourn and cry and have dry mouth and have horrendous cramps and shit out colonic-like craps.

Maybe "feeling good" is something we're just gonna have to WAIT for.

xoxo michelle joy

DECREASED APPETITE

Hi there, Folks,

Yesterday i had:

Br: 1/4 small watermelon
L: about 6 bananas total...eaten pretty "grazing" style, as we were out doing errands, visiting both of our sick parents. Cliff's mom is not doing well at the retirement home, and my mom is in the hospital again for the 3rd time with intense stomach pains and terrible indigestion. She was rushed last Friday was 103 fever and a bacterial infection in her colon as a result of the antibiotics she is on. So now she's on more anti-biotics to kill the new infection.
D: about 8 small tomatoes, Cuizinart chopped with a few leaves of fresh sage from our patio garden. Kinda yummy! I would have preferred basil, but it was dark on the patio and i couldn't find the basil!

~ ~ ~ ~

CONVERSATION WITH DR. DOUGLAS GRAHAM ON HUNGER AND OTHER TOPICS
MJ: I don't seem to have much appetite anymore. Isn't that wierd????

Dr D: You will go through phases of more and less hungry.

MJ: Oh, god, what's going to happen, soon i'll only want one tomato a day... Victoria Boutenko's daughter, the last i heard her speak, only eats 1 salad per day...and that's IT.

Dr D: Don't believe all that you hear. AND, Valya is trying to lose weight, any way she can. Her weight got out of control in the last three years.

MJ: Is it a worry that the appetite decreases...and then the metabolism decreases???

Dr D: Metabolism remains the same. Did you not read The 80/10/10 Diet? You tell me you did, but sometimes your questions tell my you didn't really read it.

[I actually have NOT re-read his book in quite some time. It's been at least a year.]

MJ: And a person can gain on next to nothing...eating less and less?

DR D: Why?

MJ: [Because the metabolism slows down.] I'd heard you make people eat like enormous amounts of calories, over 3,000 or 4,000 on fruit, and ask them to stuff themselves.

Dr D: Who'd you hear that from? Certainly not from me, as I know I never told you that.

MJ: Is this generally true?

Dr D: No.

MJ: I was glad to have the ability to have as much as i wanted in the beginning, what a comfort that was. Now my appetite is so much decreased. Is this normal?

Dr D: Totally. One of the monkeys is off your back. You want to keep him off, right?

MJ: I may be hungry again after the tomatoes...i mean, how many calories is THAT??? but, we'll see. I have the feeling i would want some bananas with spinach (i enjoy blenderized), but i"m supposed to eat salad. I really like the banana with the spinach. If i'm really hungry i might.

Dr D: OK.

MJ: I had a nice walk today.

Dr D: Great.

MJ: More below - your comments from our last email with my new comments.

Dr D: Google: outpockets. Mega colon. see if you come up with anything. You are seriously getting rid of crap.

MJ: I totally believe you, because what came out of me, i think it looked EXACTLY like when i've had a colonic. Nothing came up under "outpockets" or "Mega colon" on Google that seemed to apply, but i get your drift. And it felt like how a colonic feels, waves of illness followed by release. I haven't had a bowel movement today at all, so the "diarreah" has stopped. I guess that's not good or bad, it just is.

Dr D: Don't give up on yourself now, please. [This was in reference to troubling food thoughts.]

MJ: Oh, no, no, i'm committed to this, it's just not easy often, especially when i'm hungry, or see other people enjoying regular food.

Dr D: YOU are eating regular food. They are not. Someday, you will see that for what it is.

MJ: But, i'm committed. I do what i'm supposed to. I don't want any pain anymore.

Dr D: Instead of telling me what you don't want, please, tell me what you Want.

MJ: I'd written something...you must have missed it... I wrote, "I don't want pain any more today."

Dr D: No, didn't miss it. I just want you to phrase in the positive, rather than the negative, whenever possible. Telling me what you don't want doesn't tell me what you do want.

xxoxo michelle joy

GROWING PAINS

PERIOD CONVERSATION CONTINUED
Dr D: The period is a great time to cleanse. I would expect your period will get easier in future.
MJ: Oh my, yes, i hope so.

Dr D: Those contractions really cleaned you out. That is a good thing, I think. Trust your body.
MJ: Yes, intense contractions! i'm glad now that i didn't take the ALEVE like i usually take. It makes my face swell up but takes away my period pain. Instead, I trusted. I lived. I survived :)) And now i feel like i've come over an important hump. I'm beginning to feel good, energetic! (I'm getting over the diarreah i've had since my first day of my period. For 3 days, my bowel movements have been watery and fibrous...and look like colinic elimination, like i see fibrous tomatoes and watermelon peices - it's not brown and solid like a normal dood.)

Dr D: Google: Outpockets. Mega colon. See if you come up with anything. You are seriously getting rid of crap.
MJ: Wow, OK!

~ ~ ~

FOOD TODAY
Br: 1/2 very large casaba melon
Ln: 6 large bananas with spinach.
Sn: 3 purple plums
Dn: 3 nectarines.

~ ~ ~

THE REWARDS
I'm looking alot better. I'm feeling energetic. Everyone can really notice the weight i've lost - I think around 36 pounds so far! I see it when i look in the mirror. Today i surprised myself in the mirror, "Wow, you look GOOD!"

I really like being 'here' again. I feel like i'm back in the swing again. There's an amazing freedom in all of this restriction. What a paradox and so hard to explain!

SUFFERING IS GOOD
I'm still struggling a little with food thoughts, especially when i'm hungry, but not like before when i was crying non-stop daily. I'm liking the way i look so it's making all of the suffering worth it.

There's this bible passage I love - "God loves a contrite heart."

When we suffer for righteousness, we receive rewards.

Driving past the chinese restaurant or the pizza parlor, my old binge hangouts, causes me real pain, but i feel that pain, and do the right thing anyway...and just drive by...because i know the consequences of that behavior - out of control eating and weight gain. I'm sad for the moment, but ultimately happier.

Dr. D is right - it's better to live for HAPPINESS than for PLEASURE. It's a much more fulfilling way of life.

MANAGING MY ILLNESS IN MY MIND
When it comes to food, I'm preferring to think of myself as a cancer patient or a diabetic - meaning, i am akin to "someone who has an illness, whose illness needs to be managed by a special diet."

My illness is binge and overeating. No less serious than cancer or diabetes.

This way of thinking of myself helps me feel alot LESS sorry for myself.

For example, here's me talking to myself:

ME: "Poor me, why can't i eat crisp hot pizza, oozing with melted cheese...and savory chinese food...fried eggrolls and crunchy shrimp and slurpy spicy noodles...like everyone else?"
Me: "Because you're sick. And you have to manage your illness like this - you have to eat fruit to live in recovery today."

ME: "I do?"
Me: "Well, it seems to be working, doesn't it?"
ME: "I suppose so. I hate to admit it, but fruit does taste REALLY good, and it satisfies my hunger, and it makes me look good, better, much better."
Me: "That's awesome!"
ME: "Yeah, it is....
Me: "So, why do you sound so sad?"
ME: "Because it's hard often. I suffer. I deny myself what i want.

Me: "And instead you eat what you know is good for you, what is making you healthy."
ME: "Yeah."
Me: "But, you look so much better! You're DOING so much better!
ME: "I know!"
Me: "Seems like it might be worth it...all of the sacrifice?"

ME: "I am grateful to be in recovery. I really AM."
Me: "Even if you have to give up so much?"
ME: "The choice seems alot simpler when I realize how grateful I am to be in recovery, even if i have to eat just fruit to get there. It's GOOD for me. And it's not THAT hard."
ME: "I'm proud of you."
Me: "I'm proud of you, too."
ME: "I can live like this!"
Me: "Heck, so can I!"

~ ~ ~

MISUSE
I had a singing lesson today and my new teacher keeps pointing out how hard i unnecessarily make things for myself. Singing can be so easy. Why do i want to feel pain and use so much tension and effort?

SUMMERTIME AND THE LIVING IS EASY
And I have the parallel feeling that LIVING like THIS, as hard as it is, is actually easier than how i used to live obsessed with food and constantly gaining - just grab some fruit and go...and look better and lose weight...and feel good...and be a good daughter...and overcome depression and food thoughts and binge eating.

Why do i want to feel pain from getting fatter and fatter and why do i want to experience the pain of being constantly out of control, when living with food like this can be so easy?

Why do i want to sing with pain and struggle and tension, when singing with freedom and ease is so much easier? And so much nicer? And so much better?

Why DO i want pain?

Because I got used to it. It became familiar.

I don't want anymore pain today.

~ ~ ~ ~
Wait.

How do i reconcile the intense pains from my menstruation....?

How can i welcome THAT kind of pain?...but not the pain of being fat or gaining weight or binge eating? What's the difference? Pain IS Pain.

The pain from my period (the first on 80-10-10)...was a growing pain. It made me healthier, cleaner, stronger. I survived it. I feel better now!

The second kind of pain..., the one from binge eating or gaining or singing horribly and dissappointingly...is the pain of stagnating. It's a self-inflicted pain that keeps me stuck. This kind of pain is a vicous circle. The more I feel it, the more I get used to feeling it. I don't realize there's another, a BETTER way to live.

Today, i welcome growing pains because i know that every time i overcome those, i'm getting closer and closer to my goals. The pains of stagnating never got me anywhere except more and more miserable, fat, and unhappy.

CHOOSE YOUR PAIN.

Which one gets you where you want to go???

xoxo michelle joy

THE WORST CRAMPS OF MY LIFE!

The first day of my first menstrual period on Dr. D's plan felt like it was going to kill me - the WORST, i mean, the WORST cramps of my entire life. Sweating, faint, intensely painful unending cramps, slumped over on the toilet, moaning, rocking in bed, couldn't find a place for myself, running back and forth from the bathroom to the bed, splashing water on myself, crying, in complete and total agony, for hours, massaging my belly without relief...trying every position for relief and nothing... It felt...as if i would imagine it would be, like giving birth. I have had bad periods, but nothing like this.

Sweating, half dazed and barely able to find the right keys on the computer, i typed out with one finger while the other hand held my head up, "Dr.D, Help! I have my period and i feel like i'm dying...the worst cramps of my life...sweating, can't get off the toilet..., can you call me?" and i left my phone number. Expecting a call, i took the phone and went back up to bed. The 5 trips to the toilet seemed to help my stomach settle, and since i hoped i'd get help soon, I was settling down. I fell asleep for 3.5 hours.

No call from D.

But i did receive this charming note concerning my many trips to the bathroom:

"Congratulations. You are losing weight, just like you hoped."

Wow, Dr. D, thanks! Thanks for the comforting words and the comforting phone call. What a sweet guy. I should have known by now that Mr. Arrogant Buy A Wig was not a real compassionate guy.

He did send instructions for a massage technique to reduce the cramps.

"Here's what you do.
Lay down on your bed.
Put the middle finger of one hand at the bottom of your breast bone. You might even feel a little "cup" there in the bone. Rub the rim.
Put the middle finger of the other hand on the middle of your pubic symphysis, the place where your pubic bones come together at the front, a small distance above your clitoris.
Likely one or both of those spots is going to feel somewhat tender. Rub them both. Within a few minutes, you should feel some relief.
Breathe as though you wanted to relax.
Let me know how it goes."

Uh, I can't even find the bottom of my breastbone under all of my fat!

And i'd fallen asleep before i'd even received his response.

I reported to him the following, hoping for some clarification about what i'd just gone through and about what else i could do to help it. "i suppose that means i'm in a pretty big cleanse? i went number two many times. I had watermelon this morning and that was it. No appetite yesterday, Cliff's cooked food smelled disgusting, and frankly i don't want to put anything in my belly that might upset it again. I just drank a little water."

Here's D's response: "Glad you're OK."

Wow, D, thank you for all of the insight!!!

Well, i suppose i am in a pretty big cleanse. I can ascertain that for myself, thank you very much.

Nothing like THAT has ever happened to me before, and i'm glad i chose to just trust the process and not take Aleve like i normally do. I lived through it. And today, though i am cramp-y, it's nothing like yesterday when i was so sick, i could barely make it down the steps to the computer to call for help.

I think i will avoid food until i'm feeling beter and just drink some agua. I think since D did not supply any further insight into how to deal with my terrible period, foodwise, i will trust my instincts and lack of appetite.

Has anyone ever had a massively painful period like this on raw or 80-10-10 before? Do tell! They say fruit is the most cleansing food, and i'm beginning to believe it. I'd been raw for 3 years previously, but never had a diet of almost 100% fruit, and have never experienced a period like this before. Anyone? Anyone?

xoxo michelle joy

BYE BYE BANANA ISLAND!

Hiya,

[Debbie, so sorry i lost your fabulous comments...can you resend for this post? Also, what's your email address? Can't figure out how to get in touch with you!]

This post ended up below another post by accident, so i've copied it. Here you go!

Okay, here it is - the new custom made program Dr. D designed for me! We are coaching together for the next 2.5 months. Yay, I'm officially done with BANANA ISLAND!!!!

BREAKFAST: Any mono fruit meal you desire.

LUNCH: A mono meal of bananas, as large as you like.

DINNER: Any mono fruit meal, prepared any way you wish, as much as you wish.

This may be followed by an optional salad, made from up to five of the following ingredients, prepared any way you wish:

-Any one acid or sub-acid fruit +(see below)
-lettuce
-celery
-tomato
-cucumber
-red sweet pepper
-any tender greens such as spinach.

SNACKS: You may still have lettuce and celery at any time of day, in unlimited quantities.

~ ~ ~ ~

I wasn't sure what to think of the new program. Would i be hungry after mono meals, of, say, light watery melon? Could i tolerate a salad with zero FAT or SALT on it?

Only time and experience will tell. But, so far, so good. The tomato dinner was beyond. My casaba mellon breakfast was more filling and sustaining than i imagined. And my peach dinner, which consisted of 6 xlg white peaches held me since 5 pm, and it's almost midnight now.

The BIG question, however, is....what the heck is an ACID FRUIT and what is a SUB-ACID FRUIT?

Jeez, I KNOW i had learned that 4 years ago at Optimum Health Institute, but I never really paid attention to the teaching. I've never been one to follow any food rules as a gourmet raw chef. In gourmet raw, the thing is to listen to NO RULES except what TASTES GREAT to the palette...and mix up EVERYTHING. So, i was never too keen on the ACID/SUBACID thing.

I asked Dr. D for a clarification. Here's what he responded.

ACID FRUITS (according to Dr. D)
-Citrus
-Pineapple
-Kiwi
-Anything else with a similar "bite."

SUB ACID FRUITS (according to Dr. D)
-Apples
-Pears
-Apricots
-Peach
-Berries
-Cherries
-Similar fruits

"You must learn to use your tongue to tell if fruit is acid or not."

~ ~ ~ ~

Since this didn't seem too clear to me, i checked an internet website. And things became even foggier. Here's the list from that site.

ACID FRUITS (according to internet website)
Citrus
Pineapples
Strawberries (but other berries are subacid?)
Pomegranates
Sour Apples
Sour Grapes
Sour Peaches
Sour Plums
Sour Cherries

SUB ACID FRUITS (according to internet website)
Sweet Apples
Sub-acid Grapes (what the hell is that?)
Apricots
Blueberries
Sweet Peaches
Pears
Sweet Plums
Raspberries
Sweet Cherries
Papayas
Cherimoyas
Blackberries
Mangos
Fresh Figs

~ ~ ~ ~

Since i've not yet ventured into the holy optional salad after my dinner fruit because 1) salad without a half 'o bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch or creamy Thai cashew dressing never really appealed to me 2) i'm still confused about the Acid/Subacid thing-a-majig...., I'm wondering if you could help clarify???

ANY ACID/SUB ACID EXPERTS OUT THERE?

Please let me know the definitive list...., if there is one?!!

~ ~ ~ ~

But, you know what? i guess the point is really NOT to use any SWEET fruit mixed with the salad, correct?

Hmmmm.....I wonder why?

So, a list of sweet fruit would really be the ideal thing to gather...and then avoid those with the salad.

I can work on that another time.

For now, if anyone can clarify acid/subacid, that would be greatly appreciated!

~ ~ ~ ~

Any ideas on how to make all of those ingredients into an interesting salad? I'm thinking a blended mango dressing or a blended fig dressing? Sounds revolting actually, but worth a try??? Eeek, arrrgh.

~ ~ ~ ~

Interesting overview of Dr. Graham's book:

http://www.everydiet.org/diet/80-10-10-diet

xoxo michelle joy

FOR THE LOVE OF A TOMATO!

After 3 LONG weeks on "BANANA ISLAND," the world, as Dr. Graham put it, is going to "open up to me." And it just DID! I just ate a plate full of the most INCREDIBLE, delectable heirloom garden fresh home grown TOMATOES...and i never tasted ANYTHING like that before in my whole life. Remember he said Banana Island would 'cleanse my palate'? Holy Canoli, i taste SALT and GARLIC and other SPICES in those tomatoes, but they were just plain tomatoes! No salt, no oil, no dressing, no Wish Bone, no Ken's, no NUTHIN'!!! Who said i couldn't eat salad without dressing? i just did! It's not just the 'maters. It's like my taste buds are completely and vibrantly ALIVE to every tomato NUANCE!!! It just so happens my first tomato meal was a special one, a gift, from a gardener friend. I chowed down on a BLACK KRIM variety, a BROWN DERBY tomato, ROMA tomatoes and CHERRY TOMATOES. Who KNEW tomatoes had different NAMES?????? All i have to say is....AMAZING...THRILLING...SENNNNNSATIONAL!!!! I never need to drink tomato juice again, because those tomatoes tasted like salty spicy tomato juice THEMSELVES! And they were just tomatoes!!!! I taste so much in such a simple thing! WOW!

(Banana Island was DEFINITELY worth THAT experience. It was like an acid trip!)

Man, I LOVE FRUIT. Thanks, Dr. D!

xoxo michelle joy

P.S. Pray for my mom. She's back in ICU. 103 fever. Infection in her abdomen again. Two steps forward, one step back. Pray. pray. pray. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

A GREAT DAY!

Good morning, dear people!

I'm happy and cheery this morning!

I had such a wonderful day yesterday at the Vibrant Living Festival!

I did get lost getting there...but, the ride around Sellersville finding my way was awesome! Being in the 'boonies' when you live in the city is so refreshing! I can't wait to explore the area soon. So many farms and roadside stands. And the Harmony Hill Garden...is a lovely beautiful place. It was the perfect spot for the festival!

My singing was, eh, not sure. I'm working with a new teacher and still have a long, long way to go. I felt alot of unnecessary tension that i have to learn to keep at bay. But i received lots of wonderful compliments, so it was a pleasure knowing i supplied some joy :-)) The music i sang are all favorites and I was blessed to share them with you!

Some highlights!
The singer, Jessy Tomsko, was fabulous. HIGHLY recommended if you ever get the chance to hear her. http://www.jessytomsko.com/.

And the space rock violinist, Cyndee Lee Rule, http://www.cyndeeleerule.com/, is jammin! Wild, wild stuff. I really rocked out to it!

It was so wonderful to catch up with my friends i haven't seen in 4 months since my mother's illness. It was wonderful to be back with my people again.

Man, am i glad i'm back on track with my diet. It felt so RIGHT being there. I'm back, baby!!! I'm a raw foodist, like it or not!

A real highlight yesterday was meeting with PureRawJoy readers! I had some wonderful conversations dealing food, 80-10-10, Doug Graham, binge eating, food addiction, processing pain.

THE ADDICT
One conversation revolved around wanting to be like everyone else and not be addicted to food.

Heck, i wish i wasn't. Do you think i'd be eating BANANAS by CHOICE?? Pfft. I'd rather have pizza, onion rings, boca burgers, cheese, chinese food, basically anything fried in MASSIVE quantities all day, and never gain a pound. If i could eat all day, that's what i would do with my life.

We discussed that normal people eat normally...whatever they want...and don't become obsessed. And even, some raw foodists, who eat some cooked, don't get compulsive. But for people who are addicts, not becoming obsessed with food, be it cooked, or gourmet raw, can be...um, shall we say, very challenging.

How do you know if you're an addict? Well, everyone needs to know what they themselves can handle and can accomplish and can do. It's not for me to say.

I, myself, I'm one of the hard cases, a real addict, i think.

We agreed that Geneen Roth's books are GREAT and the answer for many folks, but that they never worked for us. My guestimation is that they don't work for ALOT of women. Like, you KNOW it's the answer..."just eat whatever you want whenever you're hungry and process your emotions." It seems to simple. So right.

But, what do you do when you constantly have issues, and cannot detatch yourself from the drive for food long enough to have long term success with this way of eating? How many pounds do you have to gain failing at it before you realize that this route is not really working? How bad do you have to feel being bloated from salt and gassy from cheese and have atheletes foot and reflux and allergies...to realize that eating cooked food may give you alot of endless pleasure, but it doesn't make you feel good, ultimately.

Eating bananas is not always fun, but i'm yelling from the rooftops right now (inside) because at least i'm FREE from binge eating today (with fruit i never become obsessed, i eat when i'm hungry like normal people), AND, my face is looking like my face again thanks to the saltless way of life and reflux is no longer a concern. Thank God.

But, it's true, this is a VERY difficult lifestyle. It is very...what's the word? It cuts you off from being like normal people and feeling comfortable around normal people. Excluding. Alot of feelings of deprivation and wanting to enjoy pleasurable foods like everyone else constantly come up. What about me? Why not me? What's wrong with me?

But, you know what? Diabetics can't eat sugar like normal people. Cancer patients can't have full heads of hair like normal people. Quadrapligiacs can't walk like normal people. Blind people can't see like normal people.

Addicts, maybe, can't eat like normal people. Maybe we have this burden for a reason. Maybe God gave it to us for a reason, to teach others. Maybe we have to embrace it and use it to our benefit. And maybe we just have to feel the pain of being "other"...and hopefully someday, we'll feel grateful to be different. Someday we'll have a lot to share with the world about our way to live, our way to cope with food. THEY'll look at US and say, "man, i wish i could be like you!"

On a side note, I've always admired people who can be so in your face about fruit. I'm always apologizing. "I'm sorry i'm different and i'm sorry if it upsets you. This is what i need to do for me. I know it's radical. I'm sorry to make you feel bad." I wish i could just be like, "BANANAS ARE THE BEST!!!!" (Haha, yeah, right.)

Speaking of addicts, if you haven't seen Jeff Bridges movie, Crazy Heart, i really recommend it. I've written about it on the blog before. I just love this film. AND, i relate. "Bad," Jeff's character, is an alcoholic, who goes in recovery, and then has to feel the pain of rejection from his lady love, now sober. Whew, that would be enough to send anybody back to the bottle.

The music in the film is AMAZING. "Fallin or Flying" has become an addicts anthem for me. "It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin'...for a little while." That means to me that eating cooked food feels like flyin', but the pleasure lasts only a little while. Because i'm an addict, and it always turns ugly on me. I totally relate to "Bad" in the film. Check the song out. Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFCwSd5kr_k

THE EMOTIONS AND THE SPIRIT
I also had a wondeful conversation about those painful negative emotions and how they can drive us 'food obsessed people' to eat. One reader has discovered a place she can go to, a mental spiritual respite from the obsession that she calls her "windows of peace." These are foodless segments of time, an hour or longer, or even just a few minutes, where the food obsession is put to rest. How marvelous. Just think how wonderful it will be when these short segments can grow into hours and hours of peace from the food obsession.

The concept of sewing to the spirit instead of to the flesh made a big impact with her, too. That's when we give up eating....to strengthen our spirit. Instead of feeding the flesh (our body) with food it doesn't need, we feed our spirit with self-denial of compulsive food (eating when you're not hungry). You know, this concept really helped me, too. The concept is from Diane Hampton's book, The Diet Alternative. Especially when i was trying to handle cooked, this concept of sewing to God, was indispensible. I did, however abandon trying to deal with cooked...at least for the next 3 months!

I'm sure if i worked at it long enough and really gave it my full attention, i might be able to overcome food addiction using this method. With God's help, anything can be cured, even food addiction!!!

My new friend and I both wish we could eat cooked food like normal people, and heck, maybe someday we can when we have so much faith in God and are so "run" by him, instead of "run" by that "thing" in us...controlling us... Is it evil? it is the devil? Probably. Whatever it is, it is an obsession for food that is more powerful than us.

But for today, since we're still not faithful enough to eat cooked in control, we both agreed that raw serves us best, especially when you still binge. Heck, when i was binge eating gourmet raw, i was 10,000, no, 10 million times better off than when i started up with cooked food again for those long 9-out of control months. With gourmet raw, I never gained excessive weight, it never got excessively out of control, and even when it did, it was NEVER as bad as it gets with cooked food, and it was still better for my body. Raw is more practicle for us at this point, being that we're still food obsessed people.

Cooked would be nice. Maybe some day. When we're so spiritually and emotionally in touch that food.....is just food...and not love, and not comfort...and not relaxation...and not total sensual pleasure, but just sustainance.

And, you know what? We can embrace where we are today...and be grateful and glad for it. We can do the best we can today with the skills we have today.

Every day is a learning experience.

Everyday is a BLESSING.

When your mom gets sick, you learn that, too. Every day is a blessing.

xoxo michelle joy

THE KEY WORD IS GRATIDUDE!

Hi Folks,

The key word...is "gratitude!" That's what we're celebrating tomorrow....at the Vibrant Living Festival, taking place Saturday, Aug 21, 2010, from 9am - 10pm! Come hear me sing at 10:30am! Yes, we're thankful for God's green earth and want to show him that by learning to live sustainably. We're thankful for raw food and all it's doing for us. We're thankful for music, and friends, and love! We're just thankful!

So, when you go to buy tickets...still available...for the festival tomorrow...use the discount code word, "gratitude," to get 10$ OFF of tickets, care of PureRawJoy!

www.VibrantLivingFestival.com

xoxo michelle joy

EMOTIONAL DETOX

Good Morning,

On this dreary grey day in Manayunk...

How are you? Hope you are doing well today.

I'm not feeling too swift, though i'm "doing" well.

Cliff is away. I'm lonely. I'm depressed.

Very, very emotional.

Lots going on. I'm planning for concerts coming up. It's a stressful process. I need to kind of "turn it all over," you know, to a Higher Power, to God, like Anonymous Program people talk about. I need to kind of pull myself out of the muck and mire, and trust.

Anyway, I've been on "BANANA ISLAND" for about 2.5 weeks now, and it is forcing an EMOTIONAL DETOX. Lots of crying.

The diet is also forcing a very fast weight loss. I've broken 300 lbs, weighing in at 299 3/4, and have lost nearly 30 lbs in a little over 2 weeks. That's like kinda nuts and wonderful all in one. How can a person lose weight that fast? It's mostly water. I'm not eating any salt.

My face looks like me again. Can you imagine just less than 18 days ago, i was, what, at least 1 or 2 clothing sizes BIGGER??? My bras and underwear were cutting into me and I felt like the Michelin Man.

I got that way by out of control binge eating on cooked vegetarian food. I couldn't stop. So, i've turned to the almost complete and utter deprivation of BANANA Island, under the guidance of Dr. Douglas Graham (Dr. D) of http://www.foodnsport.com/ to save me from myself, from my out of control drives for food. For the first week of the Island, i ate only bananas, and water. Week two, celery was added in, and week three, i can have all of the lettuce i want, in addition to the bananas and celery.

I honestly had gotten so out of hand 3 weeks ago, i didn't know where to turn. Over the last problematic 9 months, I tried Weight Watchers for a week, eating one cooked meal a day, working with an almost-raw coach to learn to "live" with cooked food and STOP BINGE EATING.

No success. Nothing felt right. Nothing worked long term...for more than a few days.

So, i landed myself, in a big way, back to what worked for me last summer - 80-10-10. Banana Island is meant to be an Oasis of rest. A rest on the digestion. A rest from out of control behavior. And a new start to a new way of life.

Last summer, i reached my lowest raw weight of 249 and stopped binge eating while practicing 80-10-10. The lack of stimulants (salt, fat) seemed to really help me control myself, AND my weight, and it forced a return to eating purely to address hunger. It felt difficult to do, but the rewards were GREAT, and i looked great.

Dr. D, who wrote the book, "80-10-10," agreed to coach me when I approached him (by email) about 3 weeks ago. But he agreed on one condition. That i coach with him for no less than 3 months. A big problem deserves constant attention. I agreed, and felt supported totally, for the first time in all these long 9 months. I really needed a strong coach, and found one. Dr. D means business.

I must say, in the 2.5 weeks i've been back on 80-10-10, the plan is definitely working. I'm losing weight almost daily, I'm not binge eating any longer, my hunger is definitely satiated. And I'm actually discovering the reasons i DO binge eat. They are right under my nose. I am FEELING them.

Here's a recent chat I had with Dr. D. I like to share these chats in the hopes that something Dr. D says, or something I'm going through will strike a chord with you. My aim is to share my struggles AND my joys, so that someone else might be educated, enlightened, or inspired...or just feel like there's someone else out there in the world who does the same crazy things... Believe me, if you struggle with food, i understand.

We can all support each other.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi Dr. D,

Tuesday
Br: Army green banana whip (6 bananas and a handful of red leaf lettuce, a little water, in vitamix) This was delicious!! I'm going to experiment with how much lettuce i get jam in it before i don't like the way it tastes!

Ln: Army green banana whip (7 bananas and twice as much lettuce as earlier) - still yummy!
Sn: 1 stalk celery

Dn: Army green banana whip (5 bananas with lettuce)

MJ: Emotionally, i'm feeling very bad. I'm definitely going through an emotional detox. I'm crying. I'm depressed. Sorry, i need to vent - unload.

DR D: Good for you. Let it flow through you. Have each emotion, and welcome the next. They typically come in rapid succession, if you let them pass unimpeded.

MJ: I'm concerned sincerely about money. My credit card lowered my credit limit just today, they sent a letter, although i always pay on time. And i'm nearing the end of my cash, with bills, and you to pay. My mother said she would help me, but i can't help but feel badly about being in this situation without work and out of money.

DR D: 1) Take your mom's help. Nothing feels better than giving. Let her give by accepting with grace. 2) Don't worry, there is no point. 3) They didn't lower YOUR credit limit, they lowered everyone's, worldwide.

MJ: My fiance, Cliff, is on a motorcycle trip and he's in Maine and his bike broke down. He had to call AAA and have the bike towed. He's waiting for a part. This, of course, causes me concern. Also, i'm alone at home. And i have a mouse in the kitchen. I don't know how to set the traps i just bought and i'm in the kitchen crying.

When i drove to the market, i passed the chinese restaurant and pizza restaurant i used to binge at. What a pull i have to these places, yet i resist, though it pains me.

DR D: Every door that closes opens hundreds of new ones.

MJ: I'm feeling in severe need of comfort....and am not feeding "the monster," (my enormous appetite for excitotoxic food), so i just feel raw and vulnerable and cry and cry. I'm just having a tough time and i know it will get better.

DR D: Every "friend" that you say goodbye to opens opportunities for you to meet many new friends.

MJ: I bought some Johnson's Baby Wash to take a bath with. It just jumped out at me at the market because i thought it would be comforting. It dawns on me that I think my parents were very poor at comforting me...so i turned to food for self soothing, and have been practicing it ever since. Now, without cooked food, and without ANY distracting stimulating food at all, i'm just left to feel bad. I can't distract myself from what's brewing in me, like i usually do with pizza, with this, with that... I remember you saying that we as humans are fond of finding things to use/abuse as distractions in our lives.

DR D: Time to take a walk. I'll tell you what I have discovered. The times that it is most difficult to take excellent care of myself, the times when that is most challenging, that is when it is most important to do so, and most rewarding. You are faced with an opportunity to grow, here and now. Grab it with both hands, and you can take a quantum leap in health growth.

MJ: I know you want me to feel joy, but i can't right now.

DR D: You say it and it is so.

MJ: I'm sure I will. I do what i'm supposed to regarding the diet. I enjoy my meals and feel joy then. And then i feel badly in between. I just think alot is "coming up" for me.

DR D: Agreed.

MJ: Being at the hospital daily and being a good nurse to my mom makes me wonder if i should become a nurse, so i could have a good income. Then my singing teacher today said i have the voice for a career 'without a doubt,' but i have to get used to singing with freedom and not controlling with my tensions and misuse of my muscles. This frightens me because I have to sing in the festival on Saturday, and obviously, i STRIVE to do EXCELLENTLY, professional-level. But i'm stressed and strained in the throat from practicing incorrectly using the wrong approach. I always come to a certain point with things...and then question... "Where do i want to spend my energy? Is it really worth it to spend my energy here?"

I'm just unloading....i'm sorry if this is a mish mosh. It's just EVERYTHING. LIFE. Life, truly dealing with life, is harder to manage without binge eating, although i know that's foolish to even SAY that. Binge eating caused me ENORMOUS stress.

I do a great deal of avoiding when i am binge eating, so in that way, it serves it's purpose and i miss it. I seem to be confronting my issues now. And feeling the pain of it.

DR D: Life poses endless growth opportunities. Mark Twain said, "life is just one damned thing after another." Apt, eh?

MJ: I know it will get better.

DR D: It always does.

MJ: Do you have other people go through tough emotional times when they start the diet and work with you, or is it only me?

DR D: Everyone.

MJ: I'm pretty sure that people who face addictions with food or drugs or alcohol, underlying all of that, people often have deep seated psychological issues, deep-seated pain, deep-seated issues they've repressed..., and they've been medicating themselves, basically. All of a sudden, i feel my credit/financial issues, i feel the loss of never having had a child, i feel the regret of time passing and so much undone... So, now, off of the drug..., (food is my drug), I'm feeling...I'm feeling.....i'm feeling it all.

Raw is not always bliss and joy, but an uncovering of pain.

DR D: Life is not always bliss and joy. If it was, you wouldn't recognize it as such. You need the other side for perspective, if nothing else.

MJ: Is that any less valid an experience? I've heard it's best just to go through it...and eventually you come out the other side.

Physically, I'm okay, good, okay. I'm dragging, but it's more emotional. I have energy, i just don't want to use it. I'm struggling with wanting to exercise. It's been a few days since i've walked. I know exercise alleviates depression, i just don't FEEL like it. I need to push myself. I know exercise makes me feel good. And feeling good would feel better than feeling bad.

DR D: For sure. One step at a time. Earn your health.

xoxo michelle joy

BUMPS ALONG THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Morning all,

Hope you are all well.

Today we talk about bumps in the road to recovery. Blips. Steps backwards. Unforeseen consequences or complications.

Best course of action - you just get OVER them and keep moving forward.

First off on my mind: Mom's in the hospital again. She has an infection in her surgery area. She needs to have her abdominal drain replaced/repositioned, as there must be a pocket of bile not being accessed by the drain, and she's developed low grade fever and an escalating white blood count. The dr at the Rehab sent her pronto to the ER and she was admitted last night.

Of course i have a healthy worry, but I am confident that after she gets a new drain, that things will progress again in the right direction and she'll be back at the Rehab.

She's gaining strength, she even stood herself up out of the chair the other day, so mostly everything is moving in the right direction.

Well, there're a few more issues. From 3 months with a catheter, her ability to hold her urine is not good. She goes about once an hour or once every two hours. She'll need to see a urologist. And Her voice is a constant worry. It's weak and hoarse.

Having heard her this mornng after not having eaten any dinner (and laying in the ER for nearly 10 hours), i'm almost positive her issue is REFLUX LARYNGITIS...and NOT complications from the tracheostomy. Just like ME. Like mother like daughter.

Her voice was CLEAR this morning. No food in the gut...no fermented food/acid to travel up the esophogus and larynx and swell the vocal cords.

On to moi.

My reflux laryngitis is like almost non-existent anymore. I suppose bananas don't cause much acid in the gut. Pretty awesome.

But now I'm confronting muscular tensions and misuses with my singing voice.... It's always somthin'!

I have a singing lesson today, so I continue to work on becoming more and more aware of how I misuse myself, and learn techniques to most effectively and easily use my voice.

The stress of singing wrong and learning to correct myself is...high. There's a great deal of trial and error and frustration, so it's not a painless process. But, nothing worthwhile comes without struggle, does it?

Another sore subject is hair. There seems to be more of it in the tub since starting 80-10-10. Those of you who are long term readers will remember my run-in with Dr. D concerning that subject last summer. Mr. "Buy a Wig" says on the subject today...

Dr D: Hair tends to grow in in the winter, and fall out in the summer. You certain you aren't giving the results credit where it isn't due?

MJ: Well, it's been summer all along and there's more hair in the tub now than there was just 2 weeks ago.

Dr D: Hair loss almost always accompanies weight loss too, btw.

I mean, is thicker hair always better?

MJ: Is thicker hair always better? Huh???? You gotta be kidding. Did you take a crazy pill this morning???? I have seriously thinning hair since high school. I'm 42 now. The front of my scalp is a big open area, so if it grew back in thicker from eating cooked over the last 9 months, or from Diatomaceous Earth, and the two times i've been on 80-10-10, it gets thinner... Last summer it got seriously and frighteningly thinner! I'm gonna notice. And for the record, as a woman, i'm going to NOT want to be bald, and am going to see thicker hair as BETTER, you know? or maybe you don't know...... ?????!!!!

Dr D: I know, but there is a limit, yes? I have a client that complains because her hair gets too thick on 811. This is the first you mention having thin hair, so how was I to know? Isn't there some sort of limit?

MJ: There is a difference between thin and very thin. i'd rather have more hair than less.

Dr D: I get lots of mail from people telling me their hair or nails got thicker on 811, and others saying thinner.

MJ: So it's not just me getting thinner eating bananas....great, how comforting.

Dr D: Point it, the body knows what it is doing. Have some confidence and gratitude that your body is choreographing your health for you.

Why not just notice, and be done with it. It's like you notice how much you breathe, but you don't attempt to control it, do you?

MJ: That's ridiculous. How about if my eyeball was hanging out of my eye, would i just sit back and notice it and not get alarmed? Or would i try to DO something to help it, to stop it? Anyway, it's a sore subject regarding bald with me and you. i know...just buy a wig. I'll be bald, but at least i'll be thin.

Dr D: Well, there is a difference between life-threatening issues and vanity issues, eh?

MJ: I suppose we'll see where this goes over the next 3 months. For now let's just drop it. It's obvious it's the diet. Or it's detox or whatever it is, but it happens to people who get gastric bypass or who lose weight quickly as well. Whatever it is, it ain't fun.

Dr D: OK, read the following with the love with which it is given. We both agree that people often get hair thinning when losing weight. Then, they blame the weight loss, or the diet, or something like that. Maybe being fat wasn't such a good idea? Maybe they should blame themselves? Because being thin doesn't cause hair loss, in and of itself, but for some people, getting thin can do so. Tell you what though, typically, the hair grows back in, especially when you get healthier along the way. On 811, most folks always mention that their hair grew back in, later. So, the freak out was for naught.

I'm glad you're reflux is so much better from 811. Do you ever post on my Vegsource forum?

MJ: I'm not aware of what Vegsource is. I'll have to look it up. Sure, I can post my singing voice and reflux laryngitis are MUCH improved. Shall i also post i'm going bald????!!!!!

Anyway, i'm done talking about it for tonight.

Dr D: Post whatever you like. It is a support forum I have run for 16 years.
http://www.vegsource.com/talk/raw/index.html

~ ~ ~ ~

Well, so there you have it, folks. I suppose I sometimes get a little testy, huh? No woman wants to be bald.

Enough said.

Oh.

I also have a mouse in the kitchen.

And a trap. Obviously in the wrong place. Because i've spotted him twice now.

CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!

You know what?

Life ain't easy.

Sometimes you just have to say, "What the fuck."

And go eat a banana.


P.S. $15 tickets to the Vibrant Living Festival on Saturday, Aug 21st, 9am-10pm, available at www.VibrantLivingFestival.com with discount code: 'gratitude.' Come out and hear me sing at 10:30a.m.

xoxo michelle joy

LOTS N LOTS O' LETTUCE!

Hey, Folks,

I'm into my third week of BANANA ISLAND, a 3 week long banana fast or feast, depending on which way you want to look at it!

In only 2 weeks, I've lost nearly 30 lbs, and in 1 lb, will break 3oo lbs. Yay! 99% of the loss is water weight, but i'm glad to have it off of me, nevertheless. I've been here before, large and fast weight losses on 80-10-10, so the kicker will be when I can keep it off and abstain from binge eating. Getting back on 80-10-10 has been a wonderful opportunity to lose weight quickly, but it did not come without a great deal of sacrifice. Eating bananas almost EXCLUSIVELY for 2 weeks so far has been challenging, to say the least. Yet, I'm grateful to be back on RAW, I've stopped binge eating, I eat again only when i'm hungry, my skin and face look good, my singing voice has never sounded better (no reflux laryngitis), I generally feel well, and I have renewed hope for the future.

I will be coaching with Dr. Graham for 3 months total. So, you'll be on quite a journey with me and Dr. D!

This week, Dr. Doug Graham of http://www.foodnsport.com/, added LETTUCE to my plan of 20-30 bananas a day. Last week, he added in celery, which added some much-missed crunch to my diet, and this week's addition of lettuce, adds some much-missed addition of....well, GREEN!

This morning, I enjoyed a lovely thick green smoothie "porrage" for breakfast (greens, frozen banana, water), and it was a real pleasure. I didn't so much taste the greens mixed with the bananas, but it was just comforting to look down in my breakfast bowl and see GREEN after 2 weeks of YELLOW! (I love to 'eat' a thick smoothie with a spoon. It feels more like a meal that way.)

Lettuce provides dietary fiber, carbohydrates, a little protein, and a trace of fat. It's most important nutrients are vitamin A and potassium. The vitamin A comes from beta carotene, whose yellow-orange is hidden by green chlorophyll pigments. Beta carotene, of course, is converted to vitamin A in the human body. The darker green, the more beta carotene.

According to the American Cancer Institute and the American Cancer Society, foods rich in vitamin A and C (antioxidants) offer protection against some forms of cancer. Along with other phytochemicals, antioxidants reduce the risk of cancer of the respiratory system and intestinal tract. So, eat your lettuce!

Lettuce is a moderately good source of vitamin C, calcium, iron and copper. The spine and ribs provide dietary fiber, while vitamins and minerals are concentrated in the delicate leaf portion.

Nutrition Facts (One cup raw leaf lettuce, chopped)

Calories 9
Dietary Fiber 1.3
Protein 1 gram
Carbohydrates 1.34 grams
Vitamin A 1456 IU
Vitamin C 13.44
Calcium 20.16
Iron 0.62
Potassium 162.4 mg

xoxo michelle joy

P.S. Come and hear me sing and eat lots of lettuce at the VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL in Sellersville, PA on Sat, Aug 21, 2010! Discount tickets are available for $15 with the discount code "gratitude" for PureRawJoy readers. I'll be singing at 10:30a.m., so get there early! The festival starts at 9a.m. and will go until 10p.m. or later! Bring a chair and a drinking vessel! www.VibrantLivingFestival.com

YOU'LL EAT WHAT YOU WANT - WHAT DO YOU WANT?

MJ: Dear Dr. D, I have a friend who lost over 100 lbs eating gourmet raw. Why is life so unfair? I can't lose weight eating gourmet because i overeat and binge, and plus, i get reflux laryngitis from all of the fat, and i get bloated and swollen from the salt. I envy the gourmet raw foodists...

DrD: Do you really honestly believe that their grass is greener? Would you want to live with no fruit? Many raw fooders eat zero fruit. What a life, using sweeteners and rationalizing that that is ok, but fruit isn't.

MJ: I don't feel good from gourmet, yet i envy them. I'm sorry i'm being honest, but i'll try to stop doing that because it causes me pain. I used to know how to cut off compulsive emotional reactions when i was meditating, i should start that again. The truth of the matter is, they can have a little raw cheezecake, and i eat the whole cheezecake, plus, i get reflux and can't sing (my god given gift) so, no, raw gourmet never really worked for me, if i were being 100% completely and totally honest, but i still want some. Even though I usually also can't control myself.

DrD: Yet you still want it. What road do you want to go down? When you drive, there are tons of interesting roads, but the ONLY one you go down is the one that will take you where you truly want to go. Where do you want to go? Decide, and take that road. The others are just distractions, not to be noticed if you truly have your eye on your goal. So, do you want to do what works best for your body, or just go for the excitotoxins?

MJ: My whole LIFE i've been going for the excitotoxins, so you have to understand that doing what makes my body feel better and have no reflux is pretty much a new thing.

DrD: Have you had enough reflux yet, or are you still longing for it, figuring when you burn out your guts or your throat, the doctors will perform a miracle and transplant new guts or vocal cords for you?

MJ: I had a taste of 80-10-10 last summer and looked good and felt good, got rid of reflux and food cravings and binges, lost weight super fast, and wanted THAT again, so that's when i contacted you. It may be a struggle and you may want to strangle me if i talk about wanting food alot. I'll try my best to control myself and my reactions and what i write!!!

DrD: I need you to be honest, but I need you to really think about your goals, and why you asked for my help. Because you WILL eat what you truly want most, Michelle. So, you are of two minds, clearly. Which will prevail? The one you feed, the one you think about, the one you give energy to.

MJ: I'm singing in a fruitarian festival next week. All of the dishes will be salt free and no fat. Can i maybe get a little something that's NOT a banana????

DrD: When and where is this festival?

MJ: Aug 21st - next weekend www.VibrantLivingFestival.com. It's an Arnold's Way festival. Arnold wanted to for the first time not have MY cashew-based excitotoxic food at a festival. I've made the food at 2 of his festivals so far, very fattening raw and delicious, lots and lots of fat. This time, he asked one of our chefs who is basically fruitarian to come up with something much much lighter.

DrD: Congrats. Give Arnold a kiss on the cheek from me, would you? Tell him I said, "mazel tov." We can discuss what will be correct for the festival, OK?

MJ: Holy, moly, wowy kazowy. Megan will have mango salad, and zucchini spagehetti with basil/mint sauce or tomato sauce - all with no salt and no or very little fat as far as i know - definitely zero nuts.

DrD: It's a week away. Let's discuss it a week from now. Focus on what you are going towards, rather than what you are moving away from, please, and see how things change for the better for you.

MJ: I know, i know i have to change. It sucks!!! I'll work on it.

DrD: I want you to go towards what you want, what you really want, and to do so with joy. When you get something that you know is better, say, a detailed long email instead of post card from a friend, do you mourn the post card?

MJ: I will begin more focusing on what i want...and i won't think of food, but what i want for my body and life!

DrD: Now you're talking. Hey, congratulations - it's week 3 tomorrow! Starting on Day 15, you "discover" another food growing on Banana Island, Michelle. Lettuce, all types of it, right there on the island. You may have as much as you like, whenever you want it, prepped any way you care to have it. This will be your last week on the island, btw, so plan to enjoy as much as you humanly can. Bananas will continue to play a major role in your diet on Week 4, but likely just for one meal per day, your lunch meal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
TODAY

Dear Dr. D - I had a MARVELOUS singing practice this morning, yay! I got "it" back. Alot of what happens to me has to do with misdirected energy. The energy yesterday was stuck using the wrong kind of effort. Today i allowed myself...or let myself sing, instead of trying so hard using force... What a lesson...what a difference, wow!!!

My energy is great today, really flowing, i feel very good today. Took a great walk, over an hour!

[LATER] LOTS and LOTS of food thoughts this evening...but i'm trying to constantly review your last email in my mind asking myself, "what do i want?" because, as you say, "i will eat what i want."

I looked at some pictures of myself tonight...some from when i was doing well on 80-10-10, last summer, and my face and body looked good....alittle over 50 lbs slimmer and no salt retention. I look pretty. I love the way i look on no salt. I also saw pictures of myself when i am bloated and heavier and not looking so good. I don't like when i look badly, yet i seem to think very frequently about food and cooked food.

Today some people in a table near me were eating chinese food and it smelled so good and made me want it. I know, I reacted...to the stimulation and it made me want chinese food. I know it is within my control to allow these food thoughts...to allow them to take up space in my head and to ruminate on them...or not to, but i'm still allowing them. It's like mental masterbation or something. No, it's more like an obsession. Even at the expense of my health, my weight, my voice, i still want FOOD.

I will continue to ask myself what i want...and hopefully i will keep doing the right thing and begin to make peace with being raw long term.

When i initially went raw, i never went through this. I was so sure!!!!

Now i want everything i "can't have."

I know my voice has never been better than when i am on 80-10-10. Fat and my voice just don't go together. I suffer terribly from reflux laryngitis (i don't get heartburn, i get hoarse and swollen vocal cords.) God has given me a very, very special gift, and i owe it to him and myself to take care of it with what i eat. Basically, that's the only reason i have to keep staying on this that makes sense to me...for the sake of my voice... And perhaps some day in the near future, i can do professional opera auditions, be thinner, in fabulous voice, and make my dreams come true.

I keep having to ask myself tonight what i want.

I should do alot of writing on what i want.

So far, i haven't veered off track yet, so that's a positive sign....

Looking forward to hearing from you.



xoxo michelle joy

VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL

Morning, all,

Next Saturday, August 21, 2010, 9am - 9pm is the Vibrant Living Festival, taking place in Sellersville, PA, at the Harmonly Hill Gardens. http://www.vibrantlivingfestival.com/

Harmony Hill Farm
1341 Mill Rd.
Sellersville PA 18960

There will be a fabulous raw singer named, HUMAN, traveling from OREGON to be there! He is super cool and i love his lyrics and vibe. Check out some videos from him. I'm listening to SOUL REVIVAL as we speak. I really like it!!!! I'm excited to hear him play! Here is a link to his song "Soul Revival" http://www.thehumanrevolution.org/videos.html




There will also be another fabulous raw singer there named MICHELLE JOY SCHULMAN! I'll be singing at 10:30a.m., so get there early! I'll be doing a short program, i think, but hopefully you'll enjoy it!

* Deh Vieni Non Tardar from Le Nozze di Figaro
* Sombre Foret from Rossini's William Tell
* Till There Was You from Music Man
* Climb Ev'ry Mountain from The Sound of Music
and maybe another peice or two...





Check out the schedule at the festival: http://rawnaturalliving.com/vibrantlivingfestival/?page_id=52


PURCHASE TICKETS HERE! If you want to buy tickets, please purchase them using the secret discount code of GRATITUDE and you'll receive 10$ off of tickets as a PURE RAW JOY reader. http://vibrantlivingfestival.eventbrite.com/


The food will be fruitarian based, so super low fat and no salt. Megan "Megabytes" McDonnell is making all of the food, so it is sure to be scrumptious and HEALTHY!!! With a cutie like THIS making it, how could it not be? Check out some pics of the food on the festival website, yum! Here is a link!
http://rawnaturalliving.com/vibrantlivingfestival/?p=424

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

UPDATE
I'm doing good. Today is day 13 on banana island. I'm still just eating celery and bananas this week. Dr. Grahams emails are witty, educational, and encouraging. I'm super thirsty the last few days. Must be a detox thing...

My mom is doing okay! The rehab is a little better. And she had her surgery site checked by the surgeon's office yesterday, and everything seems to be fine. The swelling is just edema. And the leaking from her drain is not a problem. Her bandages just have to be changed more often.

She's getting stronger everyday! Amazing! She got HERSELF out of bed last night, and using the walker, took HERSELF to the bathroom. This shows just how much stronger she really is. But i was mad at her and still am. She's not ALLOWED to do that. She can only use the walker supervised. What if she were to break a hip? That would be the end. Secretly, i'm very proud of her.

I've chosen a few arias for the festival so far, and am working on music for a program in Virginia. Wish me luck!

How are YOU? Please say HI when you can!

Are you coming to the festival?????? If you are, PLEASE let me know!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

SELF DENIAL IS A BLESSING - EAT WHAT MAKES YOUR BODY FEEL GOOD

DR GRAHAM
Banana Island (with celery) is going well. I'm on day 12 and I've lost about 25 lbs of water weight, and no binge eating. I write Dr. Graham daily and he responds promptly and thoroughly. You know, this is going REALLY WELL. I'm very, very, (did i say very?) pleased with this whole deal. GOD, sometimes i make good decisions!

Dr. Graham is actually really great. I really LIKE him and am enjoying working with him immensely. He's not so jerky afterall!! (You may remember the "buy a wig incident" if you are a long term reader. I'm glad i could get over that and seek out his help).

HOW YOU LOOK AFFECTS HOW YOU FEEL
I'm super excited about where the next 3 months will take me. I'm looking better and better everyday, and, hell, that's important. You know, looking better is so important for one's own self-image and self confidence.

Some say, when you FEEL better, you look better. True, true.

BUT, when you LOOK better, you FEEL better, too. How you look affects the way you feel just as much.

THE CHOICE
For me, I've always had to control my food to control my life. Or rather, change my food to change my life. It's never worked the other way around for me. I've been to so much therapy. I've been to 4 Eating Disorder Units. None of it made me stop eating.

A good friend and I were having a conversation the other day about her struggles with food. She's been on raw, and she's been on regular food, and now that she's stopped eating raw, she's gone back to her favorite cooked foods with a new rebellious vengeance. She asked me what she should do. She was lost.

Based on experience, I related to her, I told her I saw two choices. "You can change your diet. Or you can change your life. You can go back to raw. Or you can legalize food - and embrace what you're eating now as the foods you must really want...and need, and just work on your life, like the Geneen Roth-ites do."

The CHANGE YOUR DIET way of thinking would be to get back on a plan, or get back on raw. You'll feel better, you'll look better, you'll stop fighting the inevitable, you'll be back where you should be. Often we don't do what's in our own best self interest.

OR you can WORK ON YOUR ISSUES by Legalizing Your Food...and 'change your life.' You can go to therapy. You can buy Geneen Roth books. You can legalize food and learn to stop feeling badly about everything you're eating that you love. You can learn to lose the guilt about your favorite foods, and just accept yourself. You can accept your weight, accept your desires, and just ENJOY, and live in PEACE and harmony!

The 2nd way sounds so right, so appealing. But, i've personally tried 5 trillion times to make it work for me....and it just hasn't.

CHANGE YOUR DIET / CHANGE YOUR LIFE
You know, often, changing your diet has TREMENDOUS benefits on your physical health and your emotional health and your emotional or mental issues, even on your home life, on your relationships.

Changing your diet can be enormously powerful.

Going raw, for one, can have a huge effect on how you feel, how you look, how you deal with life. The only way anybody could ever really believe this, is if they experienced it themselves.

My boss, Arnold, believes that if school children and criminals ate raw, there would be massive behavioral reform in schools and prisons. Arnold believes regular processed food causes crime and war and misbehavior as well as serious behavioral problems, not to mention is the cause of a plethora of physical, emotional and mental illnesses. This is what Arnold believes.

WOW....EAT WHAT YOU WANT!!!! BUT I DON'T FEEL GOOD....
Geneen Roth teaches us to legalize food (eat what appeals to you without rules), but she RARELY addresses a person's HEALTH.

What if most of what we're eating....is making us SICK? Sure, we might overcoming binge eating, but be stuck with heart disease, diabetes, and Crohns disease and chronic obesity. Yes, we may overcome binge eating, but still be very fat, and sick.

When i was working on legalizing, i had some heady times enjoying food and frolicing to and fro. Yes, it was wonderful. But, i wasn't losing weight, my ankles were constantly swollen, and I had horrible reflux.

I know my mother is struggling with food making her sick. She has reflux and hemmorhoids from eating solid food again. And I'm so frightened that something is wrong with her surgery area. She has foot and ankle edema again, and the bottom of her belly/the top of her vagina is swelled and red. Also, her drain leaked from her belly yesterday. Something is not right.

Yet, she delighted in a delicious hamburger for dinner at the rehab the other night, only to pay for it seriously when she was sick as a dog all night with severe stomach distress. Those fucking doctors told her she could eat 'anything.' The nurses dittoed, "She's on a solid food diet, she can have a hamburger." "Look, lady," I raised my voice, "Something is not right!"

Eating what you LOVE and what TASTES good (my mother moaned the whole time in pleasure) is not always best for you.

Geneen Roth RARELY talks about how to deal with physical (and emotional) reactions to foods. She merely talks about this wonderful FREEDOM of legalizing and how great you'll feel to stop dieting. Okay, it is freeing in one sense, but puts you in just another straight-jacket in another sense if all you do is experience negative physical side effects from 'eating what you want.' Is that real freedom???

I personally couldn't escape binge eating even when i was legalizing food. So, i felt like i was STILL imprisoned.

The legalizing bandwagon preaches ZERO SELF DENIAL. Icecream for breakfast? Why not?

But, you know what? Self-denial is not so bad. Self-denial for a pedophile is healthy. Self-denial for a gambling addict is healthy. Self-denial for a kleptomaniac is healthy.

My basic tendency is to want to dive in face first into a bucket of fried chicken. Self-denial is GOOD for me.

We all have some seriously negative stuff driving us. Who is always in charge of our decisions and choices? The Saint? Or the Sinner? They both live within us. Legalizing food is so complicated, first off, that by the time i would finally master it, I'm be 87 years old, and i'd most likely weigh 500 lbs from all of the failured attempts and binges i would inevitably have along the learning process, and i'd no doubt have a long list of health issues, as well.

EAT WHAT YOUR BODY WANTS
Newly, Roth seems to be changing her message. In WOMEN FOOD AND GOD, Roth now talks about eating foods that make your BODY feel good, not just your palette. Well, what foods make your body feel good?

Didn't your mother always tell you you had to eat your fruits and vegetables, that they were good for you?????

It's a good question, and one that a gazillion authors have written diets books on - What foods make your body feel good?

Roth proposes we go through an INVIDIUAL process to find this out for ourselves, sitting down when we eat, removing all of the rules, chewing, savoring, listening. Just eat what you want! And find out - "What foods make MY body feel good?"

Only ONCE in her book did she mention the plight of the diabetic.

Dear Mrs. Roth: "I love my cake and cookies. I cannot get enough of them! I finally feel so FREE to enjoy them since i stopped dieting. But, I'm a diabetic, and eating cake and cookies and icecream send my blood sugar skyrocketing and can put me into a diabetic coma and I might lose my sight or need a foot amputated and it might kill me. What should i do?"

Geneen Roth now says - Cake and Cookies do not make YOUR body, Ms. Diabetic, feel good, so, NO, you should NOT eat them, even though you enjoy them.

Wo, wo, wo, wait, a minute, what if you are like my mother - and the gluten in bread causes me gas and diareah, and the dairy of cheese causes me mucus and reflux, and flesh protein causes me indigestion and stomach pains, and oils cause my hair to get greasy, and soda makes me belch, and asparagus makes my pee stink, coffee makes me jittery. What's left?

My mother ate a tuna sandwhich yesterday, and an hour later, she ate a peach. Suddenly, she got terrible stomach cramps and bloating. "I can't eat peaches, they give me gas."

Actually, the culprit was her poor digestion of the tuna sandwhich that was still in her gut when the peach arrived, causing gas. It wasn't the peache's fault.

Calgon, Take me away! You would need a Doctoral Degree to figure out for sure what makes your body feel good, and you'll still be learning and asking yourself the same questions until your 75 years old like my mother.

Or you can just eat raw. And find out for yourself.

BANANA ISLAND IS A GOOD STARTING POINT
Banana Island is kind of neat, because it's a very long....experimental process in finding out what makes my body feel good. I get to see exactly HOW i FEEL eating bananas. For a whole week. How it FEELS to eat celery with it. For a whole week.

Next week, Dr. D will add a new fruit or vegetable. So, each week, i'll get to see how that new food makes me feel.

Hey, this WOULD be a totally cool process to go through with all foods, adding in regular cooked foods afterwards. Start out with bananas, a week of 'em. Move on to adding celery on week 2. And tomatoes on week three, etc...

Now if you choose, depart from Dr. Graham, and add in fish or bread or baked potatoes on week 10, and SEE, FEEL how it makes you feel. For a whole week. Just add in peice of fish per day for a whole week...and see how it makes you feel.

PROCESS BENEFITS FROM LEADERSHIP
Sometimes in only this last week, week two, i have gas. Well, I've added celery, so maybe celery is the culprit. So, is celery causing me gas???? How could celery cause me gas???? Dr. D doesn't think so. I know i had the biggest BM the other day after being so gassy for an entire day. Maybe the celery fiber is just starting to really clean me out.

I'm glad i have a Dr. Graham to help guide me.

In fact, this whole fucking thing with FOOD is so complex for some of us, some of us just need more guidance than others. I'm grateful to Dr. Graham.

I STILL WANT TO EAT IT EVEN IF IT MAKES ME FEEL BADLY
Sometimes the pleasure we receive from certain foods outweighs the harm they do to us. We make that choice. Consciously. Or subconsciously.

Remember my obsession with Seitan? Oh, my god, at Whole Foods last night there was this girl in front of me in the check out line who was purchasing a GIANT container of Seitan. Just looking at the container made me drool.

The truth of the matter is, when i was eating Seitan several times a day, my energy ZONKED, and i had terrible reflux and swollen ankles.

My aunt, who is now passed, suffered from Colitis. Dairy foods caused her severe distress. Yet she ate icecream nightly. Did the fact that she had 2 hours of diareah for pint of Ben and Jerry's stop her? No. The momentary pleasure of eating the icecream was more important to her.

And, we all know, I am fond of binge eating cooked stuff. I love it. It's pure unadulterated hedonistic pleasure, total freedom and rebellion, and a giant Superbowl party in my mouth. But, binge eating causes me obesity, relfux, edema, depression, over production of oil, snoring, strange rashes, food odor, vaginal odor, hemmorhoids, the list goes on and on.

Do you think the ladies in Roth's books even KNOW that their hemmorhoids are CAUSED by what they're so fond of eating??????????????

SIMLE RAW SEEMS TO WORK THE BEST FOR ME
I've always been attracted to raw. I've always been attracted to extremes. I've always had an out of control problem with binge eating. I've always had reflux laryngitis, and the long list of other things above.

Eating SIMPLE raw takes away my reflux, my snoring, my binge eating, my depression, my, my my, etc. etc. etc. (I still had LOTS of issues with reflux and binge eating with gourmet raw.)

Simple raw is alot of self-denial, which makes it seem unappealing and like a curse rather than a blessing. (And there is that stiggery wickett about my hair thinning on simple 80-10-10.)

Yet, yesterday, i sang, (using my new teacher's technique) on a finally squeeky clean reflux-free throat, and, fuck if i didn't sound like i should be starring at the Met TOMORROW.

I just can't seem to get rid of reflux any other way that by eating simple raw. Gourmet raw gave me reflux. But not bananas.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME? WHAT DO I VALUE? HAIR? OR MY VOICE?

TODAY I VALUE MY VOICE, AND FEEL LIKE THE SELF DENIAL OF 80-10-10 IS A BLESSING THAT HAS OPENED ME UP TO ANOTHER HUGE BLESSING/GIFT IN MY LIFE - MY VOICE.

OFTENTIMES, SELF DENIAL CAN DO THAT - OPEN US UP TO GREATER BLESSINGS, AND OUR UNIQUE GIFTS AND TALENTS ARE FINALLY UNLOCKED.

PERHAPS, IF WE ARE AFRIAD TO GIVE UP FOOD, WE ARE KEEPING OURSELVES IMPRISONED IN PAIN AND PLEASURE BECAUSE WE ARE AFRAID OF WHO WE REALLY ARE?

SOMETHING SPECAIL.

I THINK THIS VOICE CAN BE REALLY SPECIAL. BUT NOT IF I ABUSE IT. FOR ME, THAT MEANS SERIOUS BUSINESS. THAT MEANS.....BANANAS.

SOMETIMES THINGS THAT ARE THE HARDEST TO DO....ARE THE BEST FOR US.

xoxo michelle joy