DR GRAHAM TO THE RESCUE!

Well, folks, it looks like PURE RAW JOY is going to be restored around here. RAW has won out in a BIG way! I can hardly contain myself i feel so happy. I've contacted Dr. Doug Graham of the 80-10-10 diet, and we are going to work together, daily, by email, for the next 3 MONTHS!

Yes, i am going to be the HOT MAMMA i was last summer VERY SOON.

I'm very, very excited. Yay! My heart is happy. I am coming back home, again. Raw food saved me before, and it's going to save me again.

Yes, God is good, and regular food can work for some people like the Geneen Roth-ites and the Diane Hampton-ites. I wish it didn't turn all ugly for me. I just can't control it, consistently, long term. I never could.

Maybe someday, but not today.

I will be returning to a 100% raw diet, very simple, no salt and very low in fat, all under the guidance of Dr. D.

Hey, I will be allowed all of the BANANAS i want, wowy wow wow wow!

Eeeek, Uuuurggghh, OOOOhhhh, NNNnnnno, this is all going to cost ALOT!

$4,000 for the 3 months. I do not have $4,000 but will trust God for it. I have not been working since May and don't expect to work regularly until my mother is up and walking again and back home - likely October. It looks like I am going to have to work the SECRET big time to make this work!

Dr. D is willing to accept a payment plan.

But, it is worth it.

I am worth it.

I don't see any other way....

xoxo michelle joy

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY

Greetings,

Long time no see.

I've been doing awful and wanted to spare you the depressing details.

Mom, however, is doing GREAT. She may have her trache removed in the next few days. They may try her out on food in the next few days as well, to see how she does. She's had 4 drains removed and only has 2 left, which may be removed soon, as well. And, she's walking, assisted, a few steps, several times a day, to use the commode, or to walk from the bed to the chair and back. My skinny little mommy is SO skinny and looks like a concentration camp victim, but she is ALIVE and progressing so fabulously, we are all so thrilled. She is likely to go to Rehab within the next week or so. It will be a few months before her full strength returns and her weight is normalized, but who cares. She is doing GREAT!

With all of this positivity going on, i can't imagine why i'm having just the worst time grabbing ahold of recovery for myself.

I'm strong for mom. And say all of the right things. To her.

But when it comes to me.... I think i feel like i don't deserve to do well. I think i'm punishing myself.

I'm bored. I'm SO stressed. Going to the hospital day in and day out is HARD.

And I'm caught in a vicious circle of eating shit, feeling like shit, thinking i'm shit, so i'm eating like shit.

I think that i think it makes me feel better...more able to cope?

I think the only thing that will get me out of this cycle, is if i rip myself from it.

I'm very mad at Geneen Roth.

I told my friend, Jan, today, on the phone, "I wonder how many obese binge eaters have ever really been cured using her methods."

I doubt many. Where are the testimonials of people losing 100's of pounds who follow her teachings?

I'm also very mad at the Christian book i was so thrilled over. I never was very religious. So relying on God not to binge eat kind of didn't get very far since i am prone not to turning to Him anyway.

That's probably the whole crux of the problem, but i'm just not 'there' yet...

Ridiculous.

I'm fatter than you can imagine. 330 lbs maybe? I think i should weigh myself tomorrow, finally.

I have been eating non-stop for weeks now, with no apparent end in sight.

This has happened to me so many times in my life.

This is how i got to weigh 425 lbs. This is not new to me. This is very, very old well established behavior.

Somehow i think it's helping me "cope," but in actuality, it is diminishing my life tremendously.

My singing voice is affected negatively. I have such reflux, it's unreal how bad it is. Plus, I can barely walk anymore. I'm winded just walking upstairs to go to the bathroom. I look horrendous. None of my clothes fit. My bras and panties are too tight.

What came first? Feeling badly...and then binge eating? Or binge eating and then feeling badly?

All i know is, i feel horrendous. And horrendous about ME. I'm career-less. I'm not a raw chef now. I'm no longer raw. I'm identity-less, i feel. Who the hell am i? I'm a fulltime caretaker for my mother. I go to the hospital every day and eat non stop before i get there and on the way home and sometimes when i'm there while mom is napping. I hide from everyone i know because i'm so fat.

I have to sing in a raw festival in about 25 days. I have to go to my class reunion in October.

I feel like a failure. I feel like worse than a failure. I'm so depressed. I think i'm clinically depressed.

What the hell happened to me???

Frickin' Geneen Roth says it's not the food, that i should eat everything in moderation, "exactly what my body wants" and i'll lose weight and stop binge eating. How many pounds do i have to gain trying every food i crave and desire to finally figure out what my body wants?

I already know what my body wants.

My body wants fruits and veggies.

I wasn't mentally ill like i am today when i was 100% raw. I tell you, i am an out of control basket case.

I'm like an alcoholic in the worst alcoholic binge. Like Nicholas Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas." I can't see clearly. I feel like i'm in a fog. I feel like I have diabetes. I'm dizzy. I have headaches. My blood pressure must be high. But all i want to do is eat. One more bite of pizza. One more serving of mac n' cheese. One more slice of bread piled high with butter. One more. One more. One more.

Roth says that if you have Diabetes you can't eat what you want because it'll kill you.

Wait a minute, if my weight/physical health are so bad that eating what i "want" will kill me, so what the hell am i doing trying to eat what i want? I'm killing myself.

You got that right.

I am killing myself. A slow death with each cream filled coffee cake muffin from Wawa. That thing has 700 calories in it.

Yes it tastes good. Yes it puts me in a stupor and tranquilizes me.

Yes, i want to be tranquilized.

This is how i was when i went raw. I was hopeless. I coudn't stop eating. No matter how hard I tried to follow all of the plan-less plans that instruct you to legalize food and eat everything. I couldn't do it.

And i feel hopeless again.

So much for my attempts at "just a little."

That approach just doesn't work for me today, at this time in my life, again.

Other people tell me they're struggling, too. They try to have "a little" and then all they want is a lot.

Okay, so it's probably emotionally based. Roth says our "lives are on our plates." My plate has been saying, "I can't get enough pleasure!"

I think any sane person would say, "Hey, dumbo, look for pleasure somewhere ELSE other than in food."

There's a new book out that says the SALT-FAT-SUGAR combo is addictive.

Duh.

For me, it becomes that. I can have "a little" for short spurts, but i always spin out of control. It always turns nasty and takes over my life.

I'm going back to raw tomorrow. I was so much better off. I can't believe i ever went off. It's been, what 8 or 9 months of this out of control eating?

For 3 years...YEARS...i maintained my weight (give or take 30 lbs).

Now, we're talking a gain of 80?

I was talking to Jan today. We both know how to lose weight on raw fast, easily. No avocado, no nuts, no seeds, no oil, no salt. Lots of fruit, green smoothies, salads with fat free dressing.

"But i can't maintain that," she commented.

I know the feeling. I've been there.

But, at OHI, i just supplemented with gourmet raw meals, eaten in control, once in a while.

I guess i was so unstressed there, it just worked.

Can I make something like THAT work again?

Can i GET stress free??? Can i shove LOTS of pleasure into my life and lots of stress relieving activities???

"Maybe i didn't give it my 100%," Jan commented.

I know i haven't been giving it my all.

I wanted to have a little cooked.

It's so freakin' delicious. I love cooked food. I would sell my soul to the devil for cooked food i love it so much. Can i actually live without those cream filled 700 calorie cupcakes?

I gladly did for 3 years.

LOOK WHERE THEY'VE GOTTEN ME. THEY'RE REALLY NOT MY FRIEND.


Enough already.

Tomorrow's a new day.

xoxo michelle joy

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

From www.TheGardenDiet.com

"Pain! We're all in pain. Living in this world, the mess it's in, being human, the mess we are, all the trauma we've all experienced. Pain is part of the human emotional palette. It is one of the colors of our emotional rainbow. We're meant to feel it. It deepens us. And it actually increases our capacity for joy.

But we're taught from the start not to feel pain. Stop crying. Take this pill. Parents can't handle their own pain, so they certainly can't handle ours. We have to allow our children to feel their pain to be fully alive.

How do you deal with pain? I eat. My pain is all in my gut, where it doesn't belong, instead of in my heart, where it does belong.

Can we open our hearts to the pain? Can we embrace the beauty of our pain? Can we just allow ourselves to FEEL it? To "Be" with it? I think that's all we have to do, to deal with it, is to just be with it for a while. Not wallow in it. But let it tell us its messages, listen to it, and then more easily let it go."

- From the 28 Day Well-Being Program, a Part of the 28 Day Transition Program and the 21 Day Cleanse

The 28 Day Transition to Raw Program starts in 6 more days! See details at http://www.TheGardenDiet.com/28days

In Joy!
Jinjee

jinjeetalifero@gmail.com
http://www.TheGardenDiet.com

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT...YOU'D BETTER GET IT!
by Edel Jarboe, CREATING COMMUNITY magazine, All rights reserved

Almost all self help books tell you to get in touch with your emotions. Why is this so important? Because our emotions enable us to experience life. Our emotions are the most powerful factors in determining how we act, make decisions, set personal boundaries, and communicate with others. Therefore, it is reasoned that if we understand and control our emotions, we can improve the quality of our lives.

Enter emotional intelligence. This new buzzword was coined by Yale psychologists Peter Salovey and the University of New Hampshire's John Mayer to describe qualities like understanding one's own emotions, empathy for the feelings of others, and managing one's emotions. In addition to grade point average, IQ, and other standized testing, emotional intelligence (EQ) is being described as a new and better way of measuring an individual's chance of success in life. The higher your EQ, the greater your ability to manage your feelings and deal effectively with others, the greater your chances are for a happier life.

"Emotional Awareness Self Awareness" means knowing which emotions you are feeling and why. It is the ability to see and understand the connection between what you are feeling and how you act on those feelings. Self-awareness also involves a degree of self honesty: knowing what is both petty and noble about what you feel and how you act, while maintaining confidence in your self worth and capabilities. Moreover, emotional awareness allows you to speak up for yourself because you have comfort communicating your feelings.

"Emotional Sensitivity Empathy" is the ability to feel compassion for other people's feelings and to understand their viewpoint. People who are emotionally sensitive pay attention to non verbal cues and listen well, which enables them to communicate well with others. They respect other people's feelings and do not invalidate others. Those with emotional intelligence also have a well developed social conscience. When pursuing their goals they are concerned not only with their personal consequences but the consequences for others as well. Thus, emotional sensitivity enables them to be both inner and outer directed.

"Emotion Management" is the ability to take resonsiblity for and manage one's own emotions and personal happiness, and is an important cornerstone of emotional intelligence. People with EQ are consequently highly self directed. Not only do they prioritize and set realistic and challenging goals, but they are also able to balance emotion and intellect when making decisions. In short, they are able to exercise self control.

Scientists have proven that we are wired to feel before we think. This is our survival instinct. However, once you are aware of what you are feeling, the odds of successfully dealing with your emotions are greatly improved. The ability to step back and recognize what you are feeling, allows you to exercise self control and to employ coping skills; taking a slow, relaxing bath when feeling stressed or going for a walk or a run when we are feelings blue, for example.

An essential emotion management strategy is optimism, the ability to look for the positive in the negative. In other words, knowing how to deal constructively with anger, negativity, and failure is emotional management at it's best. The ability to persist despite obstacles, and to change course, if necessary, is a by product of emotional management and the reason why people with EQ are most likely to succeed.

How Can You Improve Your Emotional Intelligence?

1) Take responsibility for your emotions and your happiness

2) Examine your own feelings rather than the actions or motives of other people.

3) Develop constuctive coping skills for specific moods. Learn to relax when your emotions are running high and to get up and move when you are feeling down.

4) Make hunting for the silver lining a game. Look for the humor or life lesson in a negative situation.

5) Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your negative feelings, look for their source, and come up with a way to solve the underlying problem.

6) Show respect by respecting other people's feelings.

7) Avoid people who invalidate you or don't respect your feelings.

8) Listen twice as much as you speak.

9) Pay attention to non verbal communication. We cmmunicate with our whole selves. Watch faces, listen to tone of voice, take note of body language.

10) Realize that improving your emotional intelligence will take time and patience.

True emotional intelligence is not about manipulating people. Emotional intelligene means knowing what you and others are feeling and acting ethically, with a social conscience. In other words, book smarts and people smarts may be of equal value but emotional intelligence is what makes certain people stand out. These people seem to be or have "it" together, they are a graceful balance of intellect and emotion. They inspire, lead, and make others feel good about themselves while maintaining their own integrity and sense of personal worth. No one is diminished by being in his or her presence. On the contrary, we all wish we could be more like them.

People with emotional intelligence have an unshakable confidence in themselves, which comes from self knowledge and self honesty. They know that their personal happiness is up to them and no one else. Instead of labeling other people and their actions, they check their emotions first. People with emotional intelligence look out for their well being as well as that of others. They understand that life is not just about them, it's about balance.

~ ~ ~ ~

I thought this was a nice article and i related and learned a lot from it on many levels.

How's your EQ?

More another time.

xoxo michelle joy

PROGRESS DOES NOT COME WITHOUT CHALLENGE!

Hiya folks,

Just got back from the hospital. Feeling really wiped out, but encouraged. Mom had three drains removed, yay! And they've fit her with a trache cap that enables her to make sound when she talks, yay!

She does have a little urinary tract infection, and she's tired from it. But they promise they are addressing it.

She's still extremely weak, but is making progress in moving more! She stood up herself from the side of the bed with the aid of her nurses and a walker as she was transferred into a big chair. That she initiated the movement was big improvement. It took considerable struggle, she was totally hunched over, but she did it.

~ ~ ~ ~

Mom enjoys sitting up in the chair and being out of bed, and it's better for her lungs. The mucous in her chest does seem less as well.

Progress being made overall!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The area of challenge for my mom is...mental. "I can't do it." "I'm going to be a cripple."

I had to tell her the story of the little engine that "could" today. My mommy's going to need a LOT of encouragement.

~ ~ ~ ~

My parents are both prone to the "poor me's," and that's how they raised us, their children.

My brother takes little action in his life, feels like a victim, complains and blames, and uses alcohol and pot to make himself feel better.

I've always sought out HELP everywhere, but took little action myself to make things better. But, I'd like to think i'm making improvements in being more pro-active in my life, but i know i have a long way to go.

My parents taught us to feel sorry for ourselves, to not struggle and to seek enabling help from them always. They coddled us.

Now we're stuck with figuring out alot of stuff for ourselves that we probably should have learned growing up.

Like...the great big mysterious secret of eating when you're hungry. Or feeling your feelings. I never learned those things.

~ ~ ~ ~

Mom is going through a tough lesson now in being responsible for her recovery.

Just as I am, in MY own recovery from binge eating.

My brother, i can only hope, will learn from all of this as well that he CAN change his life and take charge. If my poor mother can do what she thinks she can't, like getting up out of bed, so can we do what we think we cannot.

The little engine that 'could' could because he told himself, "I think I can," "I think I can," "I think i can!"

We never learned to tell ourselves those things because we had parents that said, "I'll do it for you."

Now my mom wants someone to "do it" for her.

But, she's going to have to learn that she's going to need to do alot for herself, and struggle. "Bernie, help me!" I chimed in, "Mom, see if you can do it yourself. It'll make you stronger."

~ ~ ~

And i'm so over searching for HELP online, poor me, help me, help me,...endlessly flipping back and forth from different coaches. Coaches shmoaches. I'm reading books, yeah, but i'm doing this all by myself.

And i'm proud of myself for that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FOOD Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Br: green smoothie (banana, parsley, agave)

Sn: 2 raw corn on cob, 2 plums

Ln: serving of homemade lowfat eggplant parmesan, a serving of mashed butternut squash, 1/2 bagel with butter, 1/2 oz of raw chedder cheese, serving roasted potatoes, small lowfat custard on cone.

Dn: fasting for God!

Activity: strenuous singing lesson

~ ~ ~ ~

I stopped eating today after my Linner. Feelin' a little of the old poor me's tonight myself.

Tonight I'm feeling very tired and somewhat dissappointed. My throat is a little sore.

I had a singing lesson today, the first in a long time, and I'm a little discouraged that i still have a lot to learn. Though i've made huge progress, for sure, there are still new challenges that lie ahead of me, vocally. Apparently i have "back of the tongue" tension.

But, Rome was not built in a day. I'll get it. I'll practice what i learned today. I'll be responsible for my own success.

~ ~ ~ ~

I have a little reflux, too. (I need to keep my Betaine on hand in my purse). Eating cooked food gives me a little reflux and the Betaine really helps.

The reflux affects my voice. So, feeling that my voice is a little under the weather makes me feel discouraged.

And, when i feel dissappointed, discouraged, what do you think the FIRST thing i want to do is?

You got it - - - EAT!!!

But, for today, i recognize the food thoughts, i let them occur but don't react to them, i feel my feelings - feel shitty - and i write.

~ ~ ~ ~

I am SO making progress....!!

And so is my mom!

But it ain't always easy!

~ ~ ~ ~

So, nu, how are you?

xoxo michelle joy

UN-HINGE THE BINGE!

Hiya Folks,

Long time no see!

Cliff and I were in NY State for a few days. My cousin got married. Mazel Tov, Marla and Steven!

What's super amazing is that even though i'm eating some cooked food - there was ZERO binge eating this weekend! And zero feelings of "condemnation" (or "beating myself up" in compulsive eater's lingo).

I sampled vegetarian cooked hors d'oeuvres & cooked desserts at the wedding, but I paid attention...took one bite, decided if it made a YES in my mouth/stomach, and discarded the rest if it didn't. I ate sparingly of those items, and my main course was salad and fruit that i had pre-ordered.

At the family dinner we enjoyed the evening prior to the reception, i sampled some hors d'oevres as well - a bite of eggplant parm, a small peice of garlic bread, a bite of breaded mozzerella, but ordered lightly - salad with walnuts and cranberries and a veggie handroll and brown rice. I took a bite of canolli and it didn't wow me, so i didn't finish it.

I feel completely grounded in this new way of being/eating that i learned about in Diane Hampton's book, "The Diet Alternative," where i don't see ANY FOOD as the enemy, but the spirit of gluttony (S.O.G.) within me as the enemy.

The spirit of GLUTTONY is something that's been alive in me my whole life as far as i can remember...GROWING, GAINING STRENGTH...I wasn't aware of it until just recently reading DIANE HAMPTON'S BOOK, "THE DIET ALTERNATIVE."

The S.O.G. is the FORCE that DRIVES you to EAT when you are TIRED or SAD or ANGRY or BORED or FEELING OUT OF CONTROL or FRUSTRATED or EVEN HAPPY or ANXIOUS or WORRIED or LONELY or HORNY or ALONE or TEMPTED or FRIGHTENED (ANY DIFFICULT FEELING)...INSTEAD just "sitting with it" and TURNING TO GOD (or Your Higher Power) to help you deal with it.

I've learned I'm a SPIRITUAL BEING who is HUNGRY FOR THAT CONNECTION, and in just feeling the feelings and TURNING TO GOD, the S.O.G. WITHERS AWAY AND DIES...

Any time we turn to FOOD for the wrong reason, we awaken the S.O.G. and we're off and running again. Soon, it is working as strong as ever, and IT'S in control of our lives, again.

As long as i 1) stay in contact with God 2) eat when i'm hungry 3) stay connected to my body's desires/responses 4) eat what i want 5) fast pre-decided meals daily 5) don't allow negative voices afterwards, i don't binge! Hallelujah!!!

God, this is true freedom.

I finally realize that it's NOT raw food that stops binge eating. It's not counting calories. It's not eating low fat. It's not staying away from gourmet raw. It's not that cooked food is addictive. It's not that i'm insatiable. It's not that i'm a food addict.

It's that the S.O.G. was alive and well inside of me.

I'm taking measures daily now to turn that off, for good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And, I love raw food! I am eating a good amount of it, because i WANT it!

We brought a huge cooler on the trip packed with fruit, and i had watermelon for breakfast every morning and fruit snacks all day, until eating my cooked meal, later.

Some days i ate cooked food more than once a day, but it didn't produce a binge.

The binge eating is gone. I'm OVER it.

One day at a time.

~ ~ ~ ~

So, I'm enjoying Geneen Roth's book, "Women Food & God" more and more.

It's getting more and more practicle. The first few chapters I was like, "Whuh???"

She's been speaking of meditation now and body consciousness, and not judging our feelings, but inhabiting them.

She's speaking of not believing the "stories" we tell ourselves... Like we're no good or no one could ever love us, or that feelings are too intense to be felt or that we might die if we feel them.

She asks us to challenge our beliefs...but first we have to discover what our beliefs are.

One night on our trip, at the hotel, I learned I had a belief that feeling dissappointed and neglected was too much to bear.

I really wanted to eat.

Cliff was not feeling well, he hadn't slept well the night before due to a late family dinner with the wedding party and the unfamiliar hotel bed, etc..., and he fell asleep at 6:30p.m., leaving me feeling really bored and thinking of food while watching TV in the dark in the hotel room while he snored away.

I stopped listening to the voices in my head that said i had an avocado in the fridge and muffins and yogurt and potato salad. Instead, I sat with my feelings. I realized i felt lonely and dissappointed and a bit neglected.

On vacation...you're not supposed to feel lonely and neglected.

I cried, instead of eating. I wiped away the tears as i flipped channels. I felt sorry for myself. I heard a voice say, "No one will ever love you like you need to be loved. No one will ever pay you the attention you need."

I wiped away the tears and started to feel bad for Cliff instead of focus on how neglected I felt. Cliff was just TIRED. Cut the guy a BREAK.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roth says the negative voices or "stories" we hear in our heads...come FROM "US."

Hampton, in "The Diet Alternative," says the negative voice comes from SATAN.

Wherever they come from, both authors agree we shouldn't listen to them.

I wholeheartedly agree!!

These voices have ruled my life!!!

What a JOY it is to live without listening to the voice that says I'm shit or I fucked up already so i might as well eat the whole thing or that i'm unworthy of being loved or that i'll never feel cared for like I need to.

Soon again, i felt loved, snuggling up to Cliffy in bed later, stroking his hair, comforting him. No one likes to feel shitty on vacation from lack of sleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I felt pretty good about myself at the wedding. Though i've gained weight, i'm learning from Roth that my body is not 'me.' I'm much more than my body. And much more than the negative things i believe about my body, or what the voices tell me about it. My body may be a little heavier, but that's no reflection on me or how worthy i am as a human being.

That's a revelation to finally realize that.

No, I'm a spirit.

I'm emotion.

I'm intellect.

I'm talent.

I'm unique.

I'm ME.

5o lbs heavier...or 5o lbs lighter. My weight doesn't determine my worth anymore.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Who are you? You are MORE than what you weigh.

~ ~ ~ ~

Did i say I'm emotional?

Uy, I cried a good bit at the wedding. I'm such a softie.

I missed my mom, who is still in the hospital.

And I imagined i was at my own wedding, which Cliff and I will have some day soon after my mom recovers. Everything touching just made me so emotional. I imagined my mom dancing the Hora at my wedding. Will they be able to lift me on the chair like they do all jewish brides? Will we all dance the Hora together? What song will Cliff and I pick to dance to? Everything made me cry. The flood gates just opened again and again...

After the wedding, I told Cliff that I felt depressed and sad and didn't know why.

I felt like eating again, but i asked myself to inhabit the feeling. I sat with it.

The feeling said i was scared about mom, scared she wouldn't recover, and that I was dissappointed with my own life. We don't have much money, or a nice house. And i felt sad that we don't have the money to make a reception like my cousin's.

My cousin married into a very wealthy family and it was some extravaganza! Ice sculpures and unbelievable enormous floral arrangements and an open bar and every imaginable hor d'oeuvre and carving stations and shellfish (it wasn't a kosher wedding) at a cocktail buffet, plus a dessert buffet with 10,000 different kinds of desserts. A real FIRST CLASS NY Wedding. Cliff and i won't be able to have a wedding reception like that, and i felt sad. And sad that we don't have a nice home or high paying jobs.

So, i cried again. And he held me and stroked my cheek.

~ ~ ~ ~

Later, i felt glad again.

Cliff and I took a marvelous swim in the hotel pool and it made up for feeling sad and shitty. Playing together, frolicking and playing racing games, kissing and hugging and laughing and splashing and having so much fun. Then we took a shower together afterwards, and all was happy-happy intimacy and cuddling then. I didn't feel neglected anymore.

~ ~ ~

Hopefully we can get our acts together and make some money, so we can enjoy nice things like nice weddings and nice houses.

But, for today, it's just incredible that i can feel those kinds of 'unpleasant' feelings/sad realizations about my life or fears about my mom's recovery...., but NOT eat over them.

Ya know, FEEL my feelings, like normal people do.

This is true healing. And the beginning of a new exciting promising period in my life.

xoxo michelle joy

LIFE IS LIKE A BOWL OF CHERRIES :-))) SOMETIMES IT'S SWEET, SOMETIMES IT'S THE PITS, BUT IT'S ALWAYS RAW!

FLASH NEWS REPORT! THIS IS WORKING! I weighed in at 305 this morning, and that was before i went #2!! I've lost 3 lbs in 2 days by fasting or "sowing" meals. "Sowing meals to God" means i'm choosing to fast through certain meals as a gift to God. I began by fasting my evening snack, then i added in dinner as well. Fasting become easier the more you do it. By fasting meals, i'm cutting calories by decreasing my overall intake. What's so cool, is I'm having my "cake" and eating it too at my one cooked meal (i always have treats!), strengthening the spirit, all while killing the binge and overeating reflex and the 'spirit of gluttony'!!! I know that each day i continue in this practice will lead me closer and closer to my goal and to eradicating binge eating and overeating forever! The 'spirit of gluttony' has led me all of these years to turn to FOOD when i'm lonely, angry, bored, depressed, confused, feeling out of control, ...instead of turning to GOD. I've never even really considered myself a very spiritual person, until this last week. I'm inviting GOD into my life on a regular basis, asking Him for help...and finding, heck, i'm receiving it! The book helping me MONGO amounts is "The Diet Alternative" by Diane Hampton.

xoxoxo mjoy

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FOOD/ACTIVITY Friday, July 17, 2010
(NR) = not raw

Br: Watermelon

Sn: 2 raw corn on cob

Sn: 1/4 of a bag of bing cherries

Ln: veggie plate at the hospital: (NR) chick peas, shredded carrot, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, (NR) green peas, (NR) roasted sunflower seeds, purple onion rings, green pepper slices, (NR) a little bit of ranch dressing; (NR) 1 slice of toast w/butter; (NR) 1/2 cup choc icecream with choc chips

Dn: 'fasting' or 'sowing' seeds to God!

Sn: 'fasting' or 'sowing' seeds to God!

Exercise: just walking to and fro in the hospital...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today was a day of so many contradictions: fatty vs. lean; exhaustion vs. energized; confusion vs. understanding; activity vs. inactivity, faith vs. discouragement, weakness vs. strength, and on and on...

I just got home at 10pm, having spent most of the day with mom, and that was a good thing overall because I won't be able to go the next two days - we'll be at my cousin's wedding in NY state.

Earlier in the day, mom was confused alot, asking to take a bath in the 'tub' repeatedly. "Mom, you're in the hospital. There is no tub here. You're confused from the medicine."

She thought she saw the tub, and kept pointing to it. It was really exhausting and frustrating because after i'd explain and thought she understood there was no tub, she'd say to me again, "Michelle, ask Daddy to take me to the tub!"

And then, when she wanted to go to the bathroom, she asked us to get her out of bed and on to the 'toilet'. "Mom, there's no toilet in the room, remember, you can make right from the bed." She goes number two on a pad, and number one into a catheter.

Mom thought she was at home.

It went on and on like that all afternoon.

Mom had to have another drain added in yesterday, and i suspect the medicine they gave her to put her to sleep in the procedure...is still in her system. Thus, the confusion. She hasn't been confused for quite a while like this. She even asked today for chocolate milk and coffee. "Mom, you're being fed intravenously, remember?"

The most challenging part of today was when Mom said (mouthed) (she's still unable to talk with the trache) that she didn't think she was going to "make it", meaning 'live,' and that she just wanted to give up. It broke my heart, but i tried to make light of it, chuckling, replying, "Ma, you don't have a terminal illness where they're asking us if we want to pull the plug on you. Unfortunately, you have no choice but to recover...!!!"

There were ENDLESS pep talks that ended up pooping my pep. Giving, giving, giving can be so exhausting. How do nurses, or psychologists DO it...all day?

And, when encouraging her to do more bed-exercises with me, she was discouraged, and felt like the exercises were useless. "It's not worth it," she mouthed. "But, Mom, i know you want to get out of the hospital, right? So, you have to get stronger. Doing your exercises will make you stronger. Don't you want to get strong?" "No," she answered. "Do you want to stay weak?," I asked. "Yes" she answered.

At least she was honest.

After spending 4 hours hearing the same requests to get her in the tub, and to get up so she could use the toilet, i'd lost my mojo. I didn't know how i was going to make it through the day.

The thought occured to me to EAT to make myself feel better, but Geneen Roth's book is getting better, and i'm reading that along with Hampton's book, and though i may 'think' of it, i have zero desire to go binge anymore. It's quite miraculous.

Roth says when our world feels out of control we use food to feel grounded.

Instead, i feel my feelings. I cry. I call Cliff. I pray. I "process" my feelings, instead of stuff them. It works alot better.

Since i already 'pre-decided' which meals i would 'sow,' i have a plan for my day and don't give into food aside from those times. Like, i knew i'd have my morning fruit and raw fruit/veggie snacks, and my one cooked meal somewhere around lunch time. Other than that, that's it! I eat when i get hungry freely (raw simple stuff) up until i have my one meal, and then i don't eat the rest of the day! So if i get emotional and would normally turn to food, i just don't, since i'm not hungry, or i'm 'sowing' a meal. That leaves me ABLE to process my emotions. Frankly, you don't have any other choice in the matter then. They just process themselves. The tears flow, or the desire to call someone takes over. Or you feel like you need a break. It's a quite amazing process.

So, I took a break and went shopping. I got my hair trimmed so i'll look nice at the wedding. I went to the gym. Diversion helps.

Dissappointingly, I got into my bathing suit, but ended up never making it into the pool. There wasn't a lane free, and emotionally, i was defeated. i'd felt zapped of energy. With my bathing suit under my clothes in the gym lobby, i read Hampton's book more. It helped.

When i returned to my mom's, it was fortunate. She'd ripped her covers and nighty off and was laying naked with her coochy-coo exposed (!!!) She was hot and no nurse had been in to turn the fan on. It was an opportune time to rescue her from public nudity and an overheated state. I settled her down, covered her up, turned the fan on, read to her more. I filed and polished her nails, made her feel good.

She was much more coherant this evening.

I had talked to her about how God could give her strength earlier. (I read her all day from a Jewish History book she just loves.) I said, "You know, reading about Judiasm is great, but you need to believe God will give you the strength to get through this." She made faces at me like she hated God for putting her in this situation, but her spirits did seem to be raised later.

She had a productive night. She got her nails done. She even took two bowel movements. She also coughed up so much phlegm for me from her trache (I catch it in a tissue).

She's getting so much stronger.

Days ago she could barely cough she was so weak.

Earlier in the day, she was beside herself because she couldn't move her legs. She thinks she's paralyzed. "Here, Ma, I'll show you you can move them." She can. Barely, but she can. She's very weak, but she certainly can.

She forgets she just can't 'get up' when she feels like it. She has a LONG road ahead of her.

She may not realize it, but she IS getting stronger everyday. Her attention to me reading...was astounding. She was right there 'with' me with every word. I must have read to her for a total of 2 hours! We learned about Adam and Eve and the state of Isreal.

It's funny, during the day with mom i read Jewish books and foster my Judaism and then read Hampton's Christian book kinda glossing over the stuff about Jesus, all the while fostering my new ability to stop binge eating. You know what? Whatever works!!!

In my return visit to her after i came from the gym, i felt renewed with energy. So did she. I couldn't believe just hours ago, i'd felt so near exhaustion. And couldn't believe just hours ago, she'd been so discouraged. She was much better. Much more positive.

I'd gone to the chapel at the hospital and asked God to help her see how much better she's doing and to give her strength - mind, body, soul. Maybe it worked!

She's going to NEED that to get through this, loads and loads of strength.

[It's been 8 weeks in the hospital and it'll likely be another 10, or more...even before she ever gets to rehab.]

I also asked God for strength for me. And later, i really did feel better. Heck, as long as i don't eat compulsively anymore, every day is a success, no matter how badly i feel.

Today's food went well. I ate raw until 3pm, and then had a nice salad for lunch. I seem to crave raw veggies after eating raw all morning. Plus, i had some of my favorite treats (and former binge foods) - bread and butter and icecream. YUMMO!!!!! So NICE to be able to ENJOY former binge foods, instead of hating myself with them in enormous quantities in a binge, barely even tasting them, beating myself up endlessly afterwards. Everything tastes so much better now and I enjoy it so much more. Feeling free of 'condemnation' after eating is so FREEING. I feel like a normal person. I'm healed! (as long as i keep this up...one day at a time with one foot in front of the other!)

The leftover green smoothie that i took with me to the hospital had turned yuck. It was bubbling when i opened it up. I think it was turning into green smoothie liquor!!!

So, i ate my cooked meal at about 3 pm and haven't eaten since then. I WAS hungry SEVERAL times tonight, SEVERAL, (my dinner was relatively light, but it was what i wanted at the time) but let the feelings go. Hunger leaves momentarily if you do not address it.

I know that with each meal i give up, i'll drop some of this weight, and lose my obsession with food a little more every day.

I feel grateful to be living my life binge free. I'm not hiding from life....even if it now contains so many painful and hard moments.... I'm 'here' enough to feel them, though it's hard, but also to discover the beautiful moments, to just enjoy painting mom's nails, to appreciate her and her miraculous recovery, as well as my own. I'm able to BE here. I'm really here, experiencing life. Even in the midst of all of this.

And because i'm wiser, i'm able to help mom emotionally..and spiritually through this ordeal. That i can be there for her like this is a gift.

That i can be doing this well again, that's the biggest gift i could have asked for. This is something i could keep up for the rest of my life.

And, I managed to be about 80-85% raw today. That makes me feel good, too.

xoxo michelle joy

I'M A BABY KILLER....WHO EATS 1 MEAL!

FOOD/ACTIVITY - THUR, JULY 15, 2010

Br: (R) watermelon

Sn: (R) 1/2 vitamix full of green smoothie (blueberry/banana/spinach/agave/pear)

Ln: cooked home-made vegetarian plate:
-1 homemade oatmeal/veggie burger
- cup of mushroom pasta
- steamed spinach
- slice artisan bread with irish butter (holy crap...is that good)
- cup choc almond milk

Dn: fasting...or 'sowing' to God...i hope i can do it!!!

Sn: fasting...or 'sowing' to God...i hope i can hold out!!!

Exercise: none

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Greetings!

12 p.m. Doing a little cooking at home right now! Not feeling fearful of cooking today, that it will set off a binge! Making some nice vegetarian stuff - steamed butternut squash and roasted eggplant for tomorrow!

I didn't eat after 5pm last night, and whew, that wasn't easy, but i did it! yay!

I'm in a much better mood today. Isn't that cool how our feelings wax and wane?

I awoke this morning with no signs of reflux laryngitis. One of the benefits of not eating for 6 hours before bedtime!

~ ~ ~ ~

I'm almost done reading "The Diet Alternative," by Diane Hampton. Little book, but it packs a whollop. Man, i love it! After i'm done reading it, i'm going to start again at the beginning. It has completely inspired me like nothing in a long time. I finally understand why i binge eat. And i haven't binged in....how many days? 5? 6? It's not the FOOD! I finally understand, it's not the food!!!

I'm also further along in Geneen Roth's new book, "Women Food and God." So far, i'm not THAT impressed. Every once in a while her writing strikes a chord in me, but for the most part, i'm having a hard time understanding her! To tell you the truth, she speaks in cryptic, or poetically, and i have no idea what she means alot of the time. For instance, what does this phrase MEAN? - 'your whole life is shown by what's on your plate.' I suspect i understand, but i'd like some more fleshing out of what she means. I suppose she means that if we heavily control our food, that means we feel the world is an out of control place? Something like that. I'll let you know more the further i get.

Hampton's book, on the other hand, is CHOCK full of PRACTICAL HOW-TO wisdom. I am constantly going, "oh, wow." It just completely SPEAKS to me, gives direction and gives understanding. Yes, it's religiously oriented, and even for a jewish girl reading about Jesus, I still feel it's so ACCESSIBLE and UNDERSTANDABLE. I follow that little motto, "Take what you want...and leave the rest." So far, it's set me on a course that i haven't veered off of yet!

Roth's book, so far, is like every other frustrating binge eating book for me...it holds out a lot of promise, but is hard to understand, contradictory or enigmatic, completely impracticle, and doesn't address the reason why we binge or really tell us how to stop. I'm only 3 chapters in, though, i'll let you know if it gets better.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At breakfast today, i was SO hungry!!! I thought i knew what hungry felt like, but i think i really found out this morning.

When i used to eat more frequently, my hunger felt different. Now that i'm going LONG hours without eating, it's curiously LESS intense pangs!!! It's like a big deep THUD now.

And I didn't eat breakfast until after 11a.m. when my body finally said, 'hey, (thud, thud) FEED me, or you won't be able to have the energy to make it the rest of the day!"

My frequent hunger pangs before were different. They were like 'tweet, tweet!'

But, last night not eating for 6 hours before bedtime, i almost had no hunger pangs. There was no big THUD, no little tweet, tweets. I think my stomach is getting used to this! Amazing!

[And now, it's 9:30pm, i haven't eaten since 1:30pm, and i'm experiencing NO hunger pangs either! Incredible!]

~ ~ ~ ~

NOTICE TO MY FRIEND, JAN!
Guess what, Jan, we ate our first child!!!! (Jan and i have been chatting about my tomato plants.) Well, the first big red baby was absolutely delicious!!!!! I haven't tasted such a good tomato in a long time. This was Cliff and my first time growing our own food. It is SO fun!!! Highly recommended!!!

Oh, i forgot, we ate our first baby green pepper the other day!

But, the tomatoes, man, did we have to wait long!!!

Our first little baby, the one we just ate, we named Ruthie (after my mom)! Ruthie was delish! And Bernie...will be ripe any day now!!! I joked with Jan that when Cliff comes home from work, he often says, "Have you checked on the children?" (meaning our tomatoes!!!!)

We feel so blessed to be a part of watching and participating in life blossoming daily!

And eating that life? SCRUMPTIOUS!

I'm a baby killer!!! Hey, I'm worse than Andrea Yates...i kill....and then EAT my children! Call me Hannibal Yates!

~ ~ ~ ~

My green smoothie this morning was delicious. The blueberries turned it an army green color, but the taste was fabulous.

~ ~ ~ ~

I couldn't hold out (to drink the other half of the smoothie canister) and had my cooked meal earlier than usual!!! Dad called to say i should come to the hospital later, and it kinda threw my plans off whack. I was going to do my routine - finish the smoothie, have some cherries, and eat dinner around 4pm. I had been jonesing for a Whole Foods meal. You know how much i love that seitan crap. Man-oh-man-o-sche-witz! But, since i wasn't going to be going to Whole Foods, since i would go to the hospital later, maybe i would eat what i had in the fridge???

The tummy rumbled again and again and didn't say 'green smoothie!'

My cooked veggie meal was super yummy with no guilty feelings, or 'condemnation' voices afterwards telling me i'm bad or to eat the whole thing and go on a binge.

Just satisfaction. That's SERIOUS improvement!

My lunch was pretty fatty, cooked non diet style with olive oil, and i had luscious bread and butter, so now i think i understand the measly 2 lb loss. I'd have to cut the fat seriously to lose more.....

But, Hampton's book suggested another way.

For people with 100 lbs or more to lose, Hampton suggests eating only ONE meal a day!

Wow, now that is RADICAL!!! But, it's something i find so fascinating...so appealing. I get to eat pleasurable meals like regular pasta with cheese, veggie burgers, real bread and butter... and because of the overall reduced caloric intake, still lose weight?????

INTERESTING CONCEPT!!!

And since i've been having all of the raw all morning...i'm still doing 60-75% raw.

I think i'm going to try it today!!! I've had my morning routine of fruit and green smoothie, then a cooked lunch, so i'll try today to not eat anything else for the day!

I'm choosing to retain my morning fruit and green smoothie...in addition to the one meal.

I'll let you know how i do!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I did GREAT!!!

But, my belly hurt somewhat today...and i felt low energy. That's cooked food for you.

I bought some cashews and am going to experiment with one raw gourmet meal this week and see how my belly and energy feel!

xoxo michelle joy

CHEER UP, CHICKIE!

FOOD/ACTIVITY - WED, JULY 14, 2010
(R) = raw food

Br: (R) Watermelon

Ln: (R) Whole Vitamix pitcher Green Smoothie (banana, spinach, agave, pineapple), minus one glass for Cliff

Sn: (R) Bing cherries

Dn: 4:45 p.m. HUNGRY! sandwhich at the hospital - 2 slices whole wheat bread, 1/4 cup hummus, 1 slice provolone cheese, (r) lots of lettuce, (R) 6 slices tomato, (R) onion, hot peppers.

Sn: zilch. 'sewing' my Gift to God. You know what? it ain't easy!

Exercise: Walk at the mall with Cliff

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

TRY TO SEE THE POSITIVE
My mom got moved out of I.C.U. today, which is wonderful news. She's not sick enough anymore for Intensive Care.

So, why don't i feel happy?

I'm...worried.

Even though they moved her, Mom had a litle set back today. Her white blood cell count was up. A CATSCAN determined that there is a pool of fluid in her abdomen that one of the drains is not accessing. That would explain the raise in her white cell count and her tummy ache today and why she didn't feel well the last two days. They'll have to do a procedure tomorrow and reposition one of the drains.

I'm so sad.

It's been 8 weeks today that my mother entered the hospital for what was to be a "peice of cake" surgery. She's so weak. Her little hands shake, she still can't bear her own weight, she can't talk yet, she can't eat yet. I feel so sad for her. She wants to be home so bad. Her new room is gloomy.

But, they downgraded her status. I really should be so happy! She's GETTING BETTER, overall, but I'm scared she'll somehow revert and get sicker again or never recover and need to be in a wheelchair the rest of her life.

Gotta stop thinking like that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Everytime i weigh myself lately, i have to recover emotionally afterwards. It's not easy. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I weighed in at 308. I've lost 2 lbs.

Without much exercise and with eating a fair amount of cooked food, I suppose that's not so horrible. Cliff 'hurrahed' my success. I, on the other hand, took it pretty hard, had to sit down, cried, had to be alone for alittle and contemplate and pray to get over it. I had a hard time recoving emotionally from the dissapointment. I would have thought that just by the sheer act of NOT binge eating over the last, what is it, 4, 5 days, and by eating mostly raw on several days that i would have lost more than that.

I'm dissappointed.

I enjoy my cooked meals...and look forward to them and feel a new freedom towards them. I guess we cannot have our cake and eat it, too. 80-10-10 with no salt and hardly any fat and low bananas produces fast weight loss, 1 lb a day. By adding cooked in, it stalls the weight loss.

That certainly sucks.

Still, I did abot 75% raw agaiin today.

I should be happy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I feel hungry tonight. I've not eaten since about 5pm. I know i'll get better if i keep this up. I sense this 'sewing' seeds is instilling in me control. I can do it, with God's help.

But, it's not easy.

Can't help feeling sad tonight. Discouraged.

~ ~ ~

The next chapter in Hampton's book talks about changing the way we think from negative to positive. If we tell ourselves, 'i can't lose weight,' that brings the spirit down. We're to tell ourselves, 'i lose weight easily' to raise the spirits.

Gotta work on this. Big time.

~ ~ ~ ~

I took a walk today.

I feel guilty and lazy.

I should be exercising daily...and loving it, like i have in the past, but i've been blah about exercising, again. I feel kinda hopeless in that department, again, which is so ridiculous, because everyone KNOWS exercise WORKS. But, I think about doing, say, 30 mins of exercise and i say to myself, "it's just NOT good enough. It won't help." Self defeating attitude.

At least i recognize it.

~ ~ ~ ~

Hampton says we have to manifest what we want, stating what we want in the present tense. "I weigh 150 lbs. I wear a size 10."

Gotta do this.

I'm not quite there tonight, feeling so low, to work on this, but i know it's crucial.

I'm so prone to depression. Gotta really work on fighting that off. And count my blessings.

~ ~ ~ ~

Nevertheless, I continue on in my journey. I did a nice little prayer to God this morning after weighing myself and feeling depressed, trying to renew my spirits, seeking comfort from you-know-who instead of diving into the fridge face first.

I felt defeated and discouraged.

But i got over it, thank God, and did well with my food today.

~ ~ ~ ~

I feel discouraged about my mom's recovery tonight, too.

I'm scared she'll never get better. (So many set backs.) But the more i write about it, the more i'm able to get "out" of the funk.

Just gotta hang in there, and BELIEVE, HOPE, and PRAY!

So, I talk here. It helps.

And, Tomorrow is a new day.

xoxo michelle joy

ANSWERS TO A READER COMMENT - GOD AND FOOD

FOOD - Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Br: whole canister raw green smoothie (Peach, banana, orange, spinach, agave)

Sn: 1 raw corn on cob

Ln: Veggie sandwhich w/cheese at hospital (2 slices whole wheat bread, lots of lettuce, 6 slices fresh tomato, onion, pickled peppers, 1 slice swiss cheese, mustard, a little mayo, ketchup; a small dish of icecream shared with Cliff (hungry!)

Dn: 2 slices toast with butter, 2 veggie burgers, veggie pasta - 4pm

Sn: 'sewing' to God, so no snack tonight. Not easy, but i'm hanging in there!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A READER COMMENTS

Michelle,

So if you don´t believe in God, you will be fat/sinner forever...? I respect everyone´s beliefs, but that sounds just too jugdemental. Also it could trigger to eat more ´cos you reduce your eating quite much. And if you for some reason can´t give up one meal do you feel that you have failed even more and now to God?

Just my two cents.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

I've been trying out alot of new ideas lately, and I'm shocked, as a Jewish girl, to be getting so much out of this Christian book called, "The Diet Alternative," by Diane Hampton! I'd like to address your questions here, because i think they're really good ones!

I've written quite a long essay, but, well, that's me!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi there,

I really understand your perspective and sympathize with your frustration.

I hope you understand i just report what seems to work for me, and if it doesn't gel with you, I totally respect that.

"The Diet Alternative" by Diane Hampton and the beliefs presented within are, as mentioned, Christian beliefs, so, addressing your question, I will answer as i suppose the author would answer.

Yes, i suppose the author would say that if you don't believe in God, you will be fat and a sinner forever. That sounds horrible...and like we're cursed and doomed...but it's actually been giving me TONS of renewed hope!

Hampton believes that the binge problem is not caused by the kind of food we eat, but is caused by the sin of gluttony.

Okay, well, what does that really mean? Religious language can be so...hard to swallow. To me, I think "the sin of gluttony" means the basic drive to turn to FOOD for healing - instead of turning to God. When we are angry, tired, lonely, bored, frustrated...if we routinely turn to food for comfort...have extreme disabilities controlling food, and weight, it may be due to this "sin of gluttony." Others in the sacred realm would call this condition - being a compulsive eater...or a food addict. But, Hampton is a Christian, and this is her Christian perspective.

For me, it's actually kind of liberating to understand, if i believe Hampton, that "i'm" not a compulsive eater or "i'm" not a food addict or destined to be fat or a binge eater forever. This "thing," this drive, this fault, this "sin of gluttony" has taken up home in me...and i've merely encouraged it all of these years. Realizing it's not actually a PART of me makes me feel like there is finally HOPE of detaching myself from it!!!

You had felt that that was a very judgemental stance. All binge eaters and fat people are sinners! And yes, religion usually does judge and divide. That's just it's nature. Christian people would say all liars are sinners, all theives are sinners, all gays are sinners. You know what? If sin is part of human natures...everyone is a sinner. And i think that IS a large part of Christian teaching. So, i don't feel so bad being counted among the rest of us. We all have faults and challenges. Mine just so happens to be this "sin of gluttony."

People who don't believe in God are free to believe whatever they want, and to heal themselves in whatever way works for them. God bless them! It's wonderful to have religious freedom! No one who is fat or a binge eater needs to identify with this 'state' if it doesn't work for them.

There are many books on binge eating that never mention God, but carry a similar message to Hampton's book, which is: Eat when you're hungry, Stop when you're full, Eat what you want, Try to eat less to lose weight, and Don't listen to the lies your 'fat-brain' tells you.

Books with this message that come to mind are: Overcoming Overeating, Overcoming Binge Eating, all of the Geneen Roth books, [with exception to her new one, which is all about God and binge eating and the relationship between the two. Yet, "Women Food and God," is written in a completely secular point of view. Did you catch Oprah the other day when Roth was a guest?]

From my perspective, there is alot of sound wisdom in Hampton's religious book on binge eating, no matter what perspective it's written from. I find it relatable, even if the way something is written is expressed differently than the way I or you would put it, or more religiously than i'm used to. For instance, Hampton says that God gave us our hunger/fullness drives, and that we should eat according to them because he gave them to us. Any of the books i mentioned above would agree. But they don't bring up that God had anything to do with it. I don't think any of us would quabble with the fact that there is something inherently put within us to tell us when we are full and when we are hungry. Hampton, being a believer, says those drives are a gift from God. Are they? Aren't they? I'd like to think they are and I'm glad to be reminded of them, and reminded to abide by them, instead of, say, encouraged to count calories, or someting. I tried that recently. And let me tell you, I could only hold out so long counting calories before i finally gave into binge eating again. But, even if i don't believe in "God," I still couldn't argue with the wisdom in following one's hunger/fullness drives. This is how NORMAL people eat...but it's something WE never learned.

Having now switched the focus to hunger and fullness, all of a sudden, former binge foods miraculously lose their appeal...unless i'm hungry. There is such wisdom in this practice of abiding by our natural hunger/fullness drives. Tonight, for dinner, I chose a cooked vegetarian dinner. Paying attention, i realized that as my plate was emptying, i was getting more and more satisfied and any more food would have looked unappealing. I had been miraculously returned to abiding by my natural hunger/fullness drives. Whereas, just days ago, binge eating, there wouldn't have been ENOUGH food in the world to satisfy me. I must have been eating from my "gluttonous" state then. There's never enough food to fill you then.

A huge part of allowing our hunger/fullness drives to work correctly...is to eat what we WANT. As binge eaters, we usually have forbidden foods that we only binge on, that we don't trust ourselves with. Part of returning to 'normal' is now to wipe away those fears, those controls, those self imposed rules...and just enjoy and allow ourselves to enjoy eating.

~ ~ ~

Pardon me for sounding combative, but you seemed offended at the idea of incorporating spirituality or God in the idea of healing from a binge eating disorder. If you ask me, incorporating spirituality into healing is not a new idea. Alcoholics Anonymous uses it. Overeaters Anonymous uses it. People healing from cancer use spirituality to heal. The raw retreat i stayed at for 8 months was VERY spiritual, and actually a religious organization, a Christian one. But, that didn't stop all of the Jews from attending, including me!

Openness to spirituality in healing is a good thing, in my book. Like they say at OA and AA, 'take what you want, and leave the rest.' I get alot out of the teachings of other religions.

I am personally beginning to understand more and more that we are spiritual beings who need and hunger for this connection to something 'greater than ourselves.' People who go to AA or OA who don't beleive in God are still encouraged to find something they DO believe in, and turn their lives over to..."a power greater than themselves".

~ ~ ~

The author's suggestion to eat less meals than normal to lose weight is an interesting one, i find. The author explains that this practice has a basis in biblical history. People in the dessert ate morning and evening only. Not 3 meals a day, or the food would spoil in the hot sun.

Eating twice a day is a historical concept which she believes can help those of us still suffering (with binge eating and obesity) in modern times. There were binge eaters and obese people in biblical history. She explains they were the ones that constantly tried to save food for later, not trusting that God would provide.

And, Hampton explains, it may be more enjoyable for a person who is trying to reduce their overall caloric intake to eat 2 bigger, heartier meals, rather than eating lots of little unsatisfying meals. I know when i did Weight Watchers recently and ate 20 teeny low fat meals all day, i was more obsessed with food than before.

~ ~

I've often heard it suggested, "Don't eat after 6pm" in a secular reference. Yet, not eating after dinner can be viewed as biblically accurate. People had to eat their fill of what was offered, otherwise it would spoil. So, not eating after 6pm can be viewed as a Christian concept. Even if you're not religious, it's still a good concept. It's good for our bodies not to go to bed on a full stomach. I imagine alot of what we think today are secular teachings have a firm basis in biblical history.

~ ~ ~

Hampton explains this concept of "sewing" to God (or giving him a gift) by denying yourself something - say, giving up a meal. If i give up food after 6pm to my own concept of God or if i'm just doing it because it's a good practice,....i'm still doing a good thing.

Hampton believes that if one 'sews' to God (by denying themselves food) with the right spirit of giving, graciously and willingly, in the belief that this is going to help you and be good for you, you will succeed, because you will have God (or faith/trust) on your side.

"Ask and you shall receive." When we ask for supernatural help, in spiritual teachings, we are encouraged to trust that what we desire will manifest.

When we doubt, we usually give up before we allow God to prove himself.

Hampton, since she is a real believer BELIEVES and TRUSTS that when she decides to give up a meal for God (or for her own good), He'll help her get through the trial. In her experience, He always does.

I've always been so enamored by people with so much faith. They don't doubt that if you believe you have the power to do something (because God is with you), you will.

This is actually really similar to the teachings of the 'Secret'. The 'Secret' says that if you believe you can do something, you will do it. If you doubt you will, you won't be able to do it. Mind over matter.

Or spirit over matter, whichever way of thought/belief you feel most comfortable with.

~ ~ ~

Hampton would probably say that the TRIGGER feeling to eat more after denying one's self was 'Satan,' and that we should RESIST that trigger, resist Satan. I don't normally talk about Satan, so it feels wierd, but Satan is a Jewish concept, too, so i don't think my mother would be too angry! But, i really LIKE recognizing that that trigger voice - the one that tells you to eat the whole pie, the whole cake, the whole refrigerator - isn't coming from ME. But, from 'somebody else' who does NOT have my best interest at heart.

Our sin, okay, our mistake, is that we believe those lies that we have to eat the whole thing now, or that we are no good, that we can't stop eating, that we can never follow through with what we tell ourselves, that we are weak, that we can't trust ourselves around food. Those are messages from an untrustworthy source. Those are not things that God, or a loving spirit would say to us. I personally don't have a problem now identifying those as coming from Satan. I rather like being able to say, "Ahha!" when i hear the voices telling me to do something i dont WANT to do, and say to myself, "I don't have to listen to YOU anymore." I used to listen and obey intently.

Hampton insists that we CAN eat smaller portions. Or give up meals. Or be hungry for a few hours. Or eat what we LIKE. Or eat a filling meal. And have ZERO negative consequences. If we do it in the right spirit. If we are not operating out of our "sin of gluttony," but are allowing our natural God-given hunger/fullness drives to take over...all led by a willingness to surrender to "a power greater than ourselves." That sounds like good new to me!

For me, being triggered is something i have struggled with my entire life. I get intense food thoughts and cravings. Finally understanding that the battle is a spiritual one, gives me hope to finally get in touch with the power to do warfare....and win!

Okay, so Hampton is talking to people who want to lose weight or stop binge eating, and in her experience, this is what worked for her, and since she's a Christian lady, this is how she talks. But, if a person doesn't believe in God, then giving up a meal couldn't make them feel that they failed God, because they don't believe in God in the first place.

But, if one does believe in God, and fails at giving up a meal, for instance, Hampton talks about 'repentence,' turning back to God for forgiveness, promising him you'll do better, and starting anew and afresh. Let's say you do your morning meditation and prayers and you say to God, "Lord, i will give up my evening snack to you for today," and then you feel like eating it because you're hungry. You have two choices. One, you eat it...and tell Him you're sorry. Or two, you bypass the hunger, acknowlege you'd REALLY like to eat it, but you're doing this for your own good, and it's something you promised you're really good friend you'd do. (That's how it feels to me at least.)

Wait, you'd have a third choice! You could eat it...in a spirit of rebellion and anger ("F.U.!! I can eat what i want, when i want and you can't do a thing about it!!!,") activate your "sin of gluttony," and end up binge eating. Afterwards, you'll not only FEEL horrible, you'll beat yourself up. And feeling so awful the next day, you're more likely to give in and do it again because you feel by now you're not WORTH doing good for. You're just a failure and you might as well say, Fuck it.

Take a deep breath. We ALL struggle with our sensual wants and desires. We all are rebellious. It's part of being human.

In Hampton's Christian teachings, we can forgive ourselves and turn back to God, or goodness, or doing good. That's what repentance is. Keeping our eyes on what we want...but knowing we did bad. It's just like "The Secret," which encourages us to not dwell on what we didn't do right, but to fill our minds with what we WANT...and believe we're going to get it. That's repentance. And believing you deserve it.

Hampton talks about 'condemnation,' the opposite of repentance. She explains 'condemnation' is Satan's way of making us feel like failures, and not God's way. She says, God knows we are winners. We just have to continually keep turning to God and not let the voices of 'condemnation' capture us. Those voices of condemnation tell us we're fuck ups and will never be healed, so just give up.

Look, after we do something we wish we hadn't we feel BADLY, and we usually tell ourselves things. (Do we tell them to ourselves or is 'somebody' telling them to us?) If we repent, we turn our spirit back to what we want and desire (to be healed of binge eating), having FAITH that God WILL help us, even if we've failed. If we get stuck in condemnation, we can't stop eating because we know we're not worth stopping. We've agreed with the Devil. We're hopeless. And we prove it to ourselves.

Labeling those abusive destructive voices i hear after binge eating as 'condemnation' is very powerful to me. I understand NOW that feeling guilty for doing wrong is different than feeling (and believing) that i am a peice of shit who will never succeed. I can CHOOSE to repent. Repenting, Hampton explains, means you know you have failed, but that you are not a failure and don't want to be one, so you turn to God.

I suffer so from these terrible voices and have suffered so long with feeling so completely out of control and like such a loser. I was particularly rocked by hearing the bad voices were not coming from 'me,' and that i'm 'good' in God's eyes, I'm a child of God!!!, and that i can succeed, and that i can stop hearing or listening to this voice that tells me to fail and that i will be a winner if i only have faith. He won't let me down!!!

~ ~ ~

Geneen Roth just came out with a book called WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. It's her assetion that how we eat SHOWS us what we believe about ourselves, and about God.

Do we feel there is never enough comfort for us? Do we feel let down by people who we were supposed to have trusted?

All of this shows up in how we eat.

I've just bought the book and look forward to pondering more of these heavy questions.

~ ~ ~ ~

I've struggled my whole life with wanting to believe in God, but always feeling like a failure. The teachings from the 'Secret,' really helped open the door to being more spiritual. The Secret, which is very, very Judeo-Chrisian based, as a lot of good teachings are, teaches that what we 'put out,' we receive back. If we trust and have faith, good things will happen.... This is something that i have been learning.

I don't think i ever learned this growing up.

I learned that food made me feel better, that i couldn't count on my parents to soothe and comfort me emotionally so i had better take care of it myself.

Hampton's book is teaching me that just because my parents did a bad job of comforting me, i oughtta give God a shot. There's a lot more comfort there than i ever realized.

~ ~ ~ ~

Another thing i wanted to bring up about this 'spirit of gluttony' concept is that for so long I struggled with what food i should eat. Should i eat raw? Should i eat cooked? How much raw? How much cooked? No bananas? No fat? Alot of fat? Gourmet raw? Which stops binge eating? How can i lose weight? Do i want to lose weight fast? Do i want to lose weight slow?

You know what? Suddenly none of that matters anymore. I think i'm beginning to realize that neither cooked nor raw food stops binge eating. Eradicating the 'spirit of gluttony' stops binge eating. It never was the food afterall. I had a spiritual problem. I turned to food for comfort, instead of to my Maker.

There were times in my life that i felt so filled with hope and faith (like when i was at the retreat, or when i discovered Dr. Christopher Fairburn's book) that i gave up binge eating. It wasn't the FOOD i ate that made me stop, it was the HOPE and the FAITH.

So, now, eating raw or not eating raw...is my choice. I can do it for health. Or because i realize i get more energy when i eat raw. Or i can eat cooked because i want it and am particularly hungry for it.

Some days, i'm finding, i'm eaitng more raw than other days. Eating raw takes focus and preparation. You have to plan your day.

Other days, i'm not as focused. Tonight i enjoyed bread and butter. Oh, my god, it was so good.

But, i'm not binge eating. I ate it when i was hungry. I allowed myself. No voices of condemnation afterwards. Or if i did hear them, i must have told them to shut up. Because id didn't WANT anymore.

Abundance. Food is suddenly abundant. I'm not afriad it's all going to get eaten up before i get my fill. It will be there for me. I can have bread and butter when i want it when i'm hungry for it.

But, if i should be weak, and binge, i know now that i can turn to God again and 'repent,' say i'm sorry for doing something i know is bad for me, and He'll see me through to getting back on track. I don't feel hopeless anymore.

My main goal right now is to turn from this 'spirit of gluttony.' I know if i can do that, one day and one meal at a time, I can do anything, and i can eat anything i choose, raw or cooked, fatty or lean, and i don't have to binge and i will eventually lose all (or most) of my excess weight...because i won't be binge eating anymore. I'll just be eating...normally.

And it won't have been because i counted calories or my steps or because i didn't eat any bananas.

It will have been because the 'spirit of gluttony' no longer lives inside of me.

~ ~ ~ ~

God and Christianity can make people angry. Forgive me, but you sounded angered by this Christian book and the ideas. Have you struggled with your belief in God, too? Or do you not believe?

If you don't believe in a traditionally religious view of "God," it certainly doesn't mean you can't heal from overweight or binge eating. I'm sure there are millions of people in the world who have lost weight and kept it off and who have overcome binge eating...without religion.

But i suspect they have all developed some sort of spiritual belief, even if they don't realize they have. We all believe 'something.' Even good psychology can be good religion, even though it's masked as "non-religious."

I've always thought that this saying was particularly on target: "good religion is never bad psychology."

There are SO many correlations and strong similarities between Hampton's book and other non-religious books on binge eating that I've read. I've read probably all of them! I tried ALL of the approaches, and have had some success with all of them, in the beginning, but something was always missing.

I still never understood why i would binge eat. I still could never stop binge eating.

This book, "The Diet Alternative," by Diane Hampton, really explained the matter, so thoroughly, so simply, that I've never understood why i binge eat more than i do today after reading it. It's not because my father hit me or my mother didn't let me go to the prom. It's because of a spirit that took up residence inside of me...that was maybe once a tiny bud, a leaf, but grew into a huge tree with thick, deep, dark, thorny roots. As long as i don't water the tree, it'll soon die.

I'm not sure that we can escape that we are spiritual beings.

I know what it feels like to be "connected" now to God or to the spirit [THAT'S HOW I FEEL WHEN I'M DOING WELL!!!!], and i know what it feels like to be disconnected [WHEN I'M DOING SHITTY], and i prefer the feeling of connection, because I just DO better. And that's what matters most to me, stopping this awful binge eating and this awful yo-yoing with my weight.

By the way, it is DAMNED HARD to give up a meal!!!! Someone taking away my FOOD???? Are you CRAZY?????

I'm experimenting now, VERY slowly, with stopping my night time eating. I'm finding it do-able, but not without struggle. And that's not even a MEAL!

Allowing myself to FEEL hungry, but not eat...is new and interesting! It's kind of refreshing!

I'd like to get to a place where i could give up more because the idea appeals to me. And the more i give up, the more i enjoy what i DO eat, and the more weight i will release and the more binge eating will become a thing of the past.

Becoming accustomed to feeling hungry and not reacting is going to take some time...and alot of faith.

~ ~ ~

Roth's new book, WOMEN FOOD AND GOD, opens up with the women at her retreat all having to WAIT to eat as part of an exercise...and they are ALL seriously pissed off!!! Taking away someone's food cuts right to the core.

But can we get to a place where we could be OKAY with that?

When we take away that COMFORT - the only one we've ever known - food - we can finally discover that we can be comforted in other ways...by a closer relationship with God, by housework, by writing, by singing, by talking, by connecting...to ourselves and others. Food gets put in it's place - to be eaten and savored and enjoyed - when hungry.

Or, if we want to lose weight, we will usually have to bear feeling hungry and uncomfortable somewha. Regular people walk around hungry all of the time and don't seem to be dying. Yet, the mere thought of skipping a meal for a food-obsessed person is MAJORLY FRIGHTENING!

It cannot be denied that many of us, myself included, USE food as a GOD. We worship it, we turn to it when we are in need, we love it, we pray to it, we think about it night and day. We really can't say we don't believe in God if we believe in the power of food, because if food is your God, then you believe in "a" god. And if you can believe in food...which doesn't even do what it says it will...it ultimately robs us of our health and happiness..., you can believe in anything. Better to believe in the real thing. The real guy. I think he's up there, do you?

I'm curious about the concept of God and Food and want to explore it more. I'm only beginning Roth's book, and am halfway through Hamptons.

We'll keep talking about this if you like.

xoxo michelle joy

RAW EMOTIONS!

Okay, so i'm working on 'giving my food to God,' and following a little plan i fell into which consists of about 75% raw: watermelon, green smoothie, raw fruit/veggie snacks and vegan/veggie cooked dinner, but things today got a little off track today and i'm trying to process it!

I'm really SEEING and EXPERIENCING and FEELING the EMOTIONS that usually lead me to binge eat, and lead me to go off track. It's been a real eye-opener this morning. Definitely NOT EASY to say "NO" to binge eating, but very possible. I did it today, yay!

I have a lot on my mind. Alot on my heart. Alot of what feels like emotional burdens.

1) It's late, after 1pm, and i've not been to my mom yet. I'm feeling guilty and anxious to go. But Cliff needed a nap and i was waiting for him. I'm frustrated. I'm angry he's taking so long.

2) My father is not feeling well lately, and wants me to take care of him. We don't get along well, and, I've been drained and busy with mom and feeling unable, more like unWILLING, to give to him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

More on #2

Dad complains he has nothing in the fridge, but declines when i ask if i can shop for him. I ask if he shops for himself. He answers, 'no.'

He feels supremely sorry for himself.

And i feel Guilt, guilt, guilt. I know he's laying it on thick, not being pro-active in getting what he needs, he just complains, and i've decided to remain motionless to his guilt-tugs. But it hurts. And even though i'm trying to not be, i feel guilty. I'm supposed to fawn over him, go to the house, cook for him, shop for him, take care of him, sleep there, massage him, talk with him, do for him, take care of him.

And take care of my mother in the hospital.

I'm supposed to do it all.

He's so jealous of the care i'm giving my mom.

I WANT to take care of my mother. How difficult and confusing is that..to feel beholden, to feel obligated..but also to feel absolutely zero desire to take care of one parent...and alot of desire to care for the other?

My brother is at the house. "Do you ask Ricky to shop for you? Does Ricky make you food?"

The reply i got yesterday was, "I don't ask anybody for anything anymore."

"So, you sound angry that people aren't doing for you what you want."

"I don't want to talk about it," he replied.

I'd zapped a raw nerve.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And he's extraordinarily difficult to please. Whenever I cook for him, I get a verdict of, "it's FAIR." Those kind of reactions lead me to feel like i don't want to do anything for him, because it's not appreciated, and, worse, he's insatiable. Once you start doing for him, there's no end in sight, and you just end up feeling abused, lousy and worn out.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, here i am at home, cleaning out the fridge and doing a little cooking for Cliff. We've been eating out almost exclusively with mom's illness because we're either on our way to the hospital early, or on our way home, late, and i don't have much time for much else, besides writing (my medicine), and maybe a walk.

So, here i am, doing some cooking, feeling guilt-ridden the whole time because it's not for my dad, but for Cliff.

With all of these emotional undercurrents working in me, food was looking REALLY appealing.

I did take a few tastes when cooking to determine for seasoning, and i admit to 2 or 3 extra bites when ONE would have sufficed, but, let me tell you, almost 10 times, i was going to say, "To hell with this!," and eat the whole thing, binge, dish myself up half of the big bowl of the veggie pasta i made, or eat all of the 4 veggie burgers i made from scratch.

It wasn't even about my dad with the veggie burgers, or the pasta. I was SO frustrated that the burgers all stuck to the bottom of the frying pan. And the same with the parmesan cheese in the pasta. It stuck to the bottom of the sauce pan, and not to the pasta.

And MY brilliant solution to the frustration....my natural reaction...was to want to EAT all of it...to make myself FEEL better.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Reading the "Diet Alternative" book is helping me tremendously in COPING with food thoughts and binge impulses, like these. I'm there, i'm feeling i want it, i'm thinking thoughts of eating it, and what do i do? Usually, i would have given in. Now, i listen, i feel, i try NOT to react, i don't allow myself to do what i want to do...as a 'gift' to God...and to myself. It's a supernatural fight. And today, I won.

Instead of giving into binges several times this morning already, i pulled away, and just stopped. I never let the tastes go any further than they already did. And i only ate what probably amounted to 1/2 cup of food.

Was it hard to stop myself?

Yes.

Do i feel GLAD i was able to stop?

Supremely.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Writing about it is so helpful. I feel like i can move on with my day now. It's amazing the amount of processing i need just to get through things. I don't know what i'd do without this blog sometimes.

I suppose i'm a very sensitive, emotional person. Maybe more so than your average Joe. No wonder food looks so attractive. It deadens the pain. Temporarily. And i suppose i must have a lot of pain. Whether it be family related...or just basic everyday frustration because something i made stuck to the bottom of the pan.

For today, i don't have to 'eat' over it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FOOD/ACTIVITY FOR MONDAY, JULY 12, 2010

I did the best i could today. I tried to make wise choices, but choices that matched my desires. I chose not to make a green smoothie before heading to the hospital, and it would have been best had I. I was angry when i left because Cliff wanted to continue napping. He said he would make me one and bring it to the hospital, but i was too hungry when i arrived there and needed to get something.

Nevertheless, all in all, i had a good day, perhaps not by "raw" standards, I don't even know how much raw i ate today, i didn't count. But by "binge-free" standards, i did brilliantly. I nipped several possible binges in the bud, and stopped myself from overeating when i'd had enough during snack time.

I finally understand why sometimes i can control cooked food and sometimes i can't. And why sometimes i can control gourmet raw, and why sometimes i can't.

It's the spirit of gluttony. If i eat something in that 'sin' state...the spirit of gluttony takes over.

So, i CAN eat regular food and not binge. As long as i keep the spirit of gluttony at bay. I do that by only eating when i'm hungry, and staying in connection with God. As long as i don't give in to that "sin-state" - I'll get stronger and stronger.

Regretably, I never did get a walk in today. I'm feeling extremely tired, emotionally exhausted, and physically worn out.

Br: Watermelon

Sn: tastes while cooking (veggie pasta and pasta salad, not more than 1/2 cup total)

Ln: Veggie Sandwhich w/cheese at the hospital: 2 slices wheat bread, 1 slice cheese, a little mayo, mustard and lots of fresh veggies (hungry!)

Sn: Bag of honey wheat pretzels and a gingerale (hungry!)

Dn: Whole Foods Meal: macrobiotic peking duck; various salads; chunks of marinated tofu and seitan (LOVE IT!!!!)

Sn: Lofat vanilla cone from a drive through, 7pm.

Bedtime snack: Nothing. Fasting as a gift to God for the rest of the evening. I feel like eating, as i routinely eat every night, be it a binge or just a snack, so giving it up is 'something'. As i proceed along with this new practice, the more i "give" and "gift" to God, the better and better I'll get at giving, and the more and more spiritual and physical and emotional rewards I'll receive. After I get accustomed to giving up the bedtime snack, i'll start giving up another meal, or snack.

For today, baby steps.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

P.S. Did you see Oprah today? WOMEN FOOD & GOD by Geneen Roth was featured....Is that ever right on target with what i'm working on!!!

* WOMEN FOOD AND GOD at Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543074

* Oprah.com featuring video on Roth and links to a companion guide to the book - http://www.oprah.com/index.html

* The Diet Alternative by Diane Hampton at Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/Diet-Alternative-Diane-Hampton/dp/088368148X


xoxo michelle joy

THE DIET ALTERNATIVE by Diane Hampton

FOOD / ACTIVITY Sunday, July 10, 2010

• Watermelon
• 1 canister Green Smoothie (banana, spinach, peach, strawberries, agave)
• 2 raw corn on cob, peaches and nectarines
• Whole Foods: seitan, tofu and raw veggies; vegetable dumplings; small chocolate pudding
• EXERCISE: Walk to Whole Foods

I've definitely been able to fall into a little pattern here. I had another 75% raw day, and feel good about it.

Mornings are tough, though, because i awake really feeling shitty. Since i'm doing Betaine and D.E., and eating much more raw, i must be in a little detox here.

I've been re-reading The Diet Alternative by Diane Hampton, which was recommended to me by one of my blog readers. It's a Christian book, and i'm Jewish, but let me tell you, this is THE BEST book i have EVER read on the binge eating and overeating experience and how to conquer it.

No wonder i could only ever get so far with my weight loss. I was STILL binge eating (on raw). I switched the types of food I ate (raw), but was still a 'glutton,' turning to food constantly, instead of turning to God.

Hampton really understands the dynamic of the binge eater, because she was herself one, many, many years ago - an uncontrollable one for so long, but she's been "FREE" of all food obsession now for 3o-some years. She doesn't eat diet food. She doesn't count calories. She doesn't deprive herself of all her favorite foods. She lost all her excess weight.

Sounds like heaven. So how did she STOP binge eating???

Hampton realized that eating over her emotions - sadness, anger, lonliness, boredom - was not only a 'sin' (in christian terminology), but it didn't work. (Hampton refers to the voices/feelings after the binge as "condemnation.") The powerful voices telling you that you are a fuck up and will never get free of this and might as well eat everything, and the depression and hopelessness, blah, blah...were actually the voice of Satan. Call me crazy, but I can see that.

Giving into binge eating becomes giving yourself OVER to sin...to Satan. I can totally understand that. Because that is EXACTLY how it feels. Completely OUT of your control. Doing and Eating things you don't even WANT to, feeling like the lowest human on the face of the earth. And then wanting to do it all over again!

There are many bible quotes in the book that make total sense. If it weren't for the antiquated language, you would say, 'man, that guy knows what he's talking about!' It's pure and simple wisdom.

After re-reading most of her book, I agree now, that binge eating is EXACTLY like being an alcoholic, or a gambler or a drug addict. The 'sin,' or 'disease', (how ever you want to look at it) can only truly be remedied by spiritual healing, just as so many in AA will attest to. Seeking God for AAers to stop drinking is the key.

To end binge eating, Hampton asserts a simple plan of self-denial. If we usually eat 3 meals a day, deny ourselves one as a 'gift' to God. If we usually eat 2 helpings of food, deny yourself one as a gift to God. If we usually binge in the car, don't eat in the car, as a gift to God.

Sewing these 'seeds' to God (gifts) will not only heal us, but create other positive changes and outcomes in our lives, ala, 'the Secret.'

We then have to learn to fill our time with other activities than eating, and TURN TO GOD when we feel powerful emotions.

In fact, we have to turn to God first thing every morning for spiritual food way before we ever eat. I can really get down with this. It really makes sense to me. I only ever DO well with food on the days that i have really 'purposed' to in a very deep soulful way.

Hampton talks about how 'dieting' and 'trying' to lose weight without the God connection will always fail. I've had many, many experiences with that lately. I try, 'whiteknuckling' it, and it just doesn't work.

But, if we turn to God, we can do anything...one day at a time.

Last night, i offered my bedtime snack as a gift to God. It wasn't easy, because i was hungry. But, i felt the hunger pangs, and soon, they left, and I fell asleep.

Ideally, Hampton says that eating 2 meals a day is the ideal way to eat well and lose weight. I see the wisdom in that. Eating so frequently, little tiny diet meals, when i was on Weight Watchers didn't work. I was always still obsessed with food.

For today, i'm going to say the little prayer that Hampton has in the book, asking God to direct my steps and telling him that i'll give up food today for 'righteousness,' to be closer to Him, and to be better and healthier. I'll give up my bedtime snack again, today, but keep up the rest of this routine. It seems to be getting me in a groove - fruit in the morning, green smoothie later, then raw simple whole food snacks (whatever i have at home to take to the hospital, lately it's been raw corn and summer fruit), a nice vegan or veggie meal for dinner and that's that.

In overcoming the spirit of gluttony by turning to God, i won't ever have to have a life of just 'managing' my weight or 'managing' my binge eating. I'll be free.

I know this won't come without significant warfare and battle on the spiritual realm, but that's the kind of fight that is necessary to become victorious.

xoxox michelle joy

"ADAM RESURRECTED" - and THE VOICE OF THE BINGE

Morning,

I watched this amazing movie last night called, "Adam Resurrected," with Jeff Goldbloom. It was the story of a holocaust survivor, who overcomes insanity. It was really AWESOME.

At the end of the movie, Adam was a recovered person, the highs and lows of his insanity...were forever gone... The monster inside of him was put to rest. He had forgiven himself for surviving and now had a normal life. One can't help realizing that his dramatically insane life was far more interesting than the life he now led, but he was finally at peace.

At one point in the drama, the Nazi officer who lives in Adam's head, goads him to shoot himself in order to 'stop the voices.' Adam, wisely, realizes this voice telling him to shoot himself is a lie.

I stayed up until 4a.m. to finish watching the movie!

I could REALLY relate to Adam. When the Nazi officer tells him the only way to shut him up would be for Adam to kill himself....this 'voice' was so familiar to me. This was the voice of the BINGE! This is what the BINGE VOICES TELL ME!

When I am having food thoughts, logically, i think, the only way to shut them up is to EAT what they are telling me to! But, that is the voice of the lie. Because when you give into it, the voice never does shut up. It keeps telling you NEW things to eat, and the power of the voice only GROWS in strength.

When Adam decides to throw the gun into the fire instead of shooting himself, the Nazi officer (now living in his mind)...dissappears. Adam won.

Can i win? Can i overcome destructive binge eating?

One day at a time, i can.

But not without significant struggles and fights.

For instance, i needed to process what i was going to eat today here in writing before i felt like i could allow myself to have a binge-free day. Believe me, i was tempted. The lure of the binge is such that it makes me believe it actually will HELP me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I stayed up until 4am watching "Adam Resurrected," so, on this sunday morning, i slept in until noon.

Upon awaking, i felt really awful.

Not because of the movie...the movie was incredible, and instilled in me HOPE for recovery.

No, i'm feeling bad because of sleeping late, and i'm in a detox.

The D.E. is working...when one detoxifies with this, you really 'feel' it.

And all of the fruit and green smoothies are also detoxifying me.

And I'm not feeling too hot, at all.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Remember what i was writing about my mom actually DOING BETTER...BUT FEELING WORSE? Today is a classic case of that. I feel like shit, but have had two 'good' days. Do i want to fuck that up, making myself 'FEEL BETTER?'

Add to the lousy physical state i feel today, the shock of weighing myself and finding that after two 'good' days, i still weigh 310.

I KNEW i shouldn't have weighed myself. It only traumatizes me. It's a part of my 'disease,' and only fun when doing simple raw and losing loads of weight in days.

Now, i can't help cursing myself for eating those 2 cooked meals with salt. Was it really wise? Was it really so great? Yes, there was a sense of utter FREEDOM to eat what i wanted...have it be 'real' food, and enjoy it guiltlessly. That was the upside.

The downside is....without those two meals, I would have lost these 10 lbs over 300 by now had i given up those enjoyable meals.

So, the question now is: WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? Do I want to eat ALL SIMPLE RAW today in an effort to lose those 10 lbs by tomorrow or the next day? Give up salt and cooked food today and maybe tomorrow? Maybe the next day i can TREAT myself with a cooked meal. Do i HAVE to eat a cooked meal EVERY DAY???

My friends, Susan, and Megan, eat cooked food. But not every day. They've found a system that WORKS for them.

I'm struggling to find MINE.

Perhaps i just want to FORGET ABOUT WEIGHT? SHOULD I JUST put the BRAKES on and just SLOW DOWN and take it SLOW and just keep DOING WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING THE LAST TWO DAYS (1 meal cooked, 75% simple raw)? It's been quite simple to do, and quite enjoyable. If i keep this up, i WILL lose those 10 lbs. Not by tomorrow. But, i will lose them.

Sure, I always have the choice of completely UNDOING ALL OF MY SUCCESS with a day of complete and utter ABANDON and binge eating all day out of frustration. That kind of behavior is not unknown to me. It's a choice and i have it. I've been known to make it, quite frequently.

What will it be????

WHAT DO I WANT?

I don't like the way my face and hips look. My face is swollen. And my hips look foreign to me. I can't believe the sheer joy (until it turns ugly) of overeating and binge eating do such damage. It's such a disconnect in me. It's like, "how did i get this fat????"

I would like to lose these 10 lbs that put me over 300.

How am i going to DO that?

I can lose them in a DAY by eating all simple raw. Or i can lose them over a succession of WEEKS by doing what i'm doing now, and by enjoying a cooked meal for dinner.

FAST or SLOW. What is it going to be?

The one meal a day thing is intented to help the binge eating, so as not to go SO drastic, i feel deprived.

But, i've found that i binge no matter what, really. When i'm deprived, or when i'm in abundance.

So, it's really my choice today.

When i went raw at O.H.I., i didn't binge, and i was SEVERELY deprived there.

Deprivation is not all that horrible.

If i had any sense, i never would have weighed myself. Ignorence is bliss.

I'd better make a decision now, otherwise, i fear i'll do something stupid, out of emotionally reacting to my weight.

HOW ABOUT THIS - Let's strike a compromise. I'll keep doing what i've been doing for TODAY. 75% raw with one cooked meal. I can certainly feel free to change my direction for tomorrow, but for today, i'm going to keep up with this. So far, so good.

If i can keep up 75% raw, i can keep growing the raw portion.

Let's not be obsessed so much about weight. But praise good 'in control' behavior and exercise. I will win the fight in the end with that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Thanks for allowing me to find my way. It's important that i talk all of this out with myself, otherwise, i do stupid things.

Just had a delicious green smoothie with cacao and it's waking me up. I'll have a nice meal at Whole Foods later and some fruit before bed. I'll take a bag of raw corn and nectarines and peaches with me to my mom's, and I'll have another good day. The 10 lbs will have to live on my hips a few more days.

xoxo michelle joy