Disc Golf with Cliff at Tyler State Park! Day 2 of new plan....8 lbs lost, wow!

Oh, my god, this is THE worst picture of me i've ever seen!!! I look ridiculous in that balloony outfit...i thought i looked so cute...and with that hat on in the woods???!!!!! Oh, my GOD!!

Cliff looking miserable as he got us lost in the woods, like, twice! Here we are in front of a huge clearing, getting ready to re-enter the woods. We had gone the wrong way, and had to re-trollop through a muddy soaking wet field. Oh, well, good exercise!!!

Here's Cliffy making a toss at the Disk Golf Tee.

In the woods!


Hiya, Kiddies,

Yesterday, my main man, Cliff, and I went to a DISC GOLF course outside of Philadelphia! We had first tried disc golf in Ohio on vacation. Our friends took us to what we thought was a BIG park, having 18 holes. It was all very open. No trees blocking your tosses.

Well, the course we found yesterday at Tyler State Park (about 1 hours drive from us in Manayunk) was GIGANTIC! We were to find out it is the 'premiere course in the COUNTRY' and that there is a tournament held there every year happening in two weeks for PROFESSIONAL DISK GOLFERS!!! So, the course was set up for them with the goal baskets placed super super super far from the tee!!!! Great, just our luck! We couldn't have happened upon a nice, small course for beginners!!! There are 27 holes in this enormous course, and all of the baskets were completely unvisible from the tossing tees IN the forest!!! The chain baskets were hundred and hundreds of yards away from the Tee. Some as far as 800 yards away.

We were only able to complete 6 holes of the 27!!!! Exhausted after only 6, we gave up, and decided to head back...but which way to go??? We had to find our way back in the woods to the parking lot...and got lost several times, so we definitely got our exercise in today! Cliff thinks 3 or 4 miles we walked today. When we got home, we were zonked, so, yes, we had quite a work out today!

If you'd like to get an idea of what it looks like to toss a disk, here you go! These videos i found on Youtube. In the first, these guys are making like near holes in one from the tee which is not too far from the chain basket. It would take me like 10-15 throws from this distance to get the disk in the basket! In the second video, you get to see the chain basket and "Cubby" making a hole in one. AMAZING!!!

DISK GOLF AT TYLER STATE PARK, NEWTOWN, PA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehNf-UgoQIU

HERE'S SOME CUTE GUY NAMED CUBBY MAKING A HOLE IN ONE, WOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy32or4ItJI

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm in full force on my 80-10-10ish plan. We packed an igloo for our daytrip. I had green smoothie for breakfast, watermelon for a snack, salad with tahini dressing for lunch and some nectarines, and when we got home, i ate an entire medium round watermelon and more green smoothie.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It sounds well and good, like everything is just nifty. But, honestly, I'm feeling irritable and hungry all day today and generally mizzy mizzy, lousy, miserable.

Constantly hungry, all day, I'm thinkin', "Is this really WORTH it??"

I thought back to that video of Doug Graham and i ask myself, "Do i really NEED the PERFECT diet? Do i really need to do this if i feel this irritable, today???"

I suppose i'm detoxing, too, probably, because i'm taking Noni Juice and doing the Barley Max and on a cleansing diet. I had someone ask about Barley Max. Does it taste good? Well, no. But, i've become used to it. I've taken Barley Max in the past for a long time. Now that i'm back to it, i don't mind it much. I'm taking a big serving, but in the beginning, you only take a tiny serving, like 1/2 tsp in water. I take maybe more than 2 Tbsp in water. The worst part of it is when it doesn't dissolve totally and you drink a chunk. To me, that's way worse than the flavor. I shake it up in a bottle with water and for the most part, that way works out okay.

OH. Interesting news. i did NOT have 20% fat on my first day, but 6%!!!!

I had 20 GRAMS of fat, which calculated as 6% of everything i ate. On fitday.com you have to scroll to the bottom to get your fat percentage. All of this time, i've been thinking i'm eating sooooo much fat, and i probably wasn't!!!!

6% is perfect by 80-10-10 standards. I also had about 6% today as well.

SUNDAY'S FITDAY RESULTS:
http://fitday.com/fitness/FoodLog.html

Are you able to view it?

For all of this effort, i'd better lose a few pounds by tomorrow!

[i weighed in at an amazing 258.5 from 266 1/2 just 2 days ago. A total of 8 lbs lost of water and dehydrated foods in my intestines!!!] [So, i ask myself now, "Was it worth it, being so exhausted and irritable yesterday...to lose 8 lbs?" And i answer with a resounding, YES!]

[i wrote this last night] It's a little after 8pm and all i want to do is go to bed. I'm bored, tired, irritable.

After the disc golf, we were so wiped out, it is a very strenuous sport, I fell asleep in the car for an hour or longer and cliff took a nap when we arrived home. Tonight we're both tired and bored. Maybe we'll watch a movie in bed. THAT sounds PERFECT. Snuggly, cuddly. [i ended up going to bed at 9pm and slept all the through until 9am!!!!]

I worked a good bit on my fat exchanges online, making a list, finding it almost impossible to come up with equivalent calories and fat for different fat sources. But, here is the work i did do.

http://fitday.com/fitness/FoodLog.html?_a_Date=1251504000.

I tried to get everything to about 100 calories, but it was crazy amounts like .6 of a Tbsp of nutbutter. I'm going to continue to work on this and see if i can't really come up with usable amounts...such as 1/4 cup of cashew is equivalent to 2 Tbsp of nutbutter is equivalent to 1/2 avocado, etc.... I got tired and gave up.

I ate sooo many calories today, it's freaking me out, but not alot of fat. Let's see what the scale says tomorrow. [Well, i guess calories don't really matter....]!!!

xoxo michelle joy

A good day!

MICHELLE'S NEW 80-10-10-ish PHASE

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425 lbs

Beginning New Phase Date: Saturday, Aug 29, 2009

Beginning Weight: 266 3/4 lbs

Weight Today, Sunday, Aug 30: 262 1/2

Loss since yesterday: -4 1/4 lbs

Food Eaten Yesterday: Alot of bananas, some agave, a little hemp seed, some oranges, alot of nectarines, Barley Max Green powdered drink, Noni juice

Exercise: 30 mins walk uphill

VIEW MY FITDAY.COM FROM YESTERDAY
http://fitday.com/fitness/FoodLog.html?_a_Date=1251590400.

(fitday has no listing for hemp seeds, so i subbed sesame seeds)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Good morning, Ladies,

Man, it feels GOOD to be back. I feel like all i needed was a mental switch and yesterday was easy as pie. Like the old days.

It felt good to see the scale go down after one day.

It feels so good to be away from gourmet raw food today, too. Not that i don't miss it. I do. But, my belly is already flatter after one day. No dehydrated items or salty items and i already feel physically better. And i have no gas, and the reflux is getting better, too. So, i'm grateful for those positive consequences of saying goodbye to salt and high fat and dehydrated for only one day.

I pee peed alot yesterday, and didn't even drink all that much, which means i was simply letting go of alot of the fluid that i had been retaining. When we eat salt, we retain water. When i eat salt, i retain probably more water than the average person. I also probably overdo salt when i do it more than the average person. P.S. In case no one has noticed, uh, i'm not your average person! I'm just your average all or nothing excessive addict type. Over the past few days at work, i was attracted to the most highly salted items: seasoned nuts, mock cheddar cheese, jarred olives, over and over.

A friend from yesterday was noting that after doing a basically fruit diet...and THEN adding back some salt, she was sooooo parched. Yes, this IS what happens. I guess it should TELL us something, shouldn't it? After i had been gourmeting basically for the last two weeks, i stopped feeling that insane thirst. I think the body gets the message and is like, 'oh, okay, you're going to be eating salt daily.' When you don't...and then you do, you get the most awful parched mouth.

So, anyway, I let go of 4 lbs of water in just one day. wow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It seems I ate over 2500 cals yesterday and 20% fat, from just fruit and a little hemp. That's a little disconcerting. Those two huge banana whips i ate last night contributed lots of calories and at least 7% fat to my day. The truth is, when i ate them, i wasn't necessarily hungry, i really wasn't. I just wanted something GOOD! I was just seeking excitotoxins, i suppose!!! Cacao is an excitotoxin. (See Graham's videos below!)

In actuality, 20% fat was a number i was mulling over as a limit for myself in this new phase: I can always reduce it. I may run into candida issues again if i do not lower it, according to Doug Graham, that is, if i keep a high fruit diet.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here are a few new videos for fans of Doug Graham. (I can't say i'm a fan of his, but everyone and their neighbor's cousin is practicing 80-10-10 at Arnolds Way...and well, it looks like i've sort of....joined the crowd again!)

FROM THE RENEGADE HEALTH SHOW
Dr. Douglas Graham on Candida Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMjcXQyiSQw

Dr. Douglas Graham on Candida Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/user/kevingianni#play/uploads/0/5cDlAejxIY0

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I hope to up my greens. Yesterday i had none, but at least i'm doing a green juice of sorts now! It is powdered, but a very powerful supplement that i've used before with great results. Here's some info on Barley Max.

BARLEY MAX: http://www.hacres.com/products/barleymax.asp

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

MY NEW PLAN IN THE WORKS
For my new plan - I would actually really like to create a Weight Watchers type plan with exchanges for fat - like i would get 1 or 2 fat points a day and 1 fat point would be 1 tbsp of hemp or 1 tbsp of nut butter or 1/4 cup nuts, or 2 Tbsp coconut flakes, etc... I would like to figure out equivalent fat amounts for lots of items. I don't do the fitday generally until the end of the day so need some way of figuring the fat during the day. It will also help me to control the fat, so i don't overdo it in the morning on a shake, if i know i want a salad later with tahini dressing...

I'm also mulling over adding in one treat once a week, a gourmet meal out or a snack item. It would be cool to make a list of gourmet foods i like and allow myself one a week, but it would most definitely need to be severely controlled. Don't know if i could accomplish that, but i would like it, and it would lessen the binge eating, i think. Or would it exacerbate it? Oh, god. I'll figure this thing out.

Well, it was a good day yesterday. That's good enough for me!

xoxox michelle joy

And the winner is.....80-10-10!

Hi Lovelies,

I woke up this morning with an amazing realization. It's not STRESS that has been causing me to eat voraciously again. It's the FOOD.

Ask yourself this -

What was more stressful than FLYING to Oregon to sing in someone's WEDDING who I'd NEVER met before...stay in a person's home whom i'd barely met before...AND singing several songs which were COMPLETELY new to me????? Plus, not knowing until 30 minutes BEFORE the actual wedding ceremony WHAT or WHEN i was singing?????

WHY was i NOT stressed then??????????????

I was on 80-10-10.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know what? Working in the raw kitchen, allowing myself to eat salty fatty foods has been like allowing an alcoholic to work in a bar. Sure, for a few days, he could convince himself he's got it all under control, and even ENJOY the alcohol once or twice and think he's cured. But, eventually, he would show his true colors.

I think i can safely say that i am a FOOD ADDICT and this little experiment of trying to moderate has gone miserably wrong. I am mortified to admit that i have gained at least 18 lbs. I weighed myself yesterday and it was +14.5. In how long? A week and a half? Two weeks? Today i look like i'm pregnant. And my face looks like someone i don't recognize.

Emotionally, i'm so ready to make a change that i'm not crying anymore as i have been for days.

Yes, much of this insane weight gain is water weight. So, i'm thinking 1o lbs of water will probably come off very quickly.

Did i ever tell you all about the time i did a juice fast and lost 12 lbs in 4 days???

The heavier i get the last few days, the more i eat. The worse my reflux gets, the more i eat. The more fat and salt i eat, the more i want.

So, yes, jubilantly successful raw foodist friends of mine can eat gourmet moderately. I wish i could. I hope some day i can. I've had some lovely glimpses into life in moderation and how delicious and satisfying and easy it could be. I remember that time out on the patio enjoying a small slice of raw cheese with raw green crackers and fresh tomato with celtic salt. I don't think i've ever tasted anything so good. Unfortunately, i'm not THERE right now. Now, i'm in the pit, in the hell of binge eating. It all turned ugly. How can something so beautiful...turn so miserably wrong in my hands?????

The difference between me and my friend is: i don't know how to STOP...yet. Like an alcoholic who is driven to consume more and more and more and more alcohol once they begin, i am like that with salt and with fat, today. Maybe i can teach myself to be more like them at some point, but, it's failed miserably today.

At work yesterday, I literally ate something every half hour. And then i ate a jar of olives before i came home. Was i hungry? No. I was absolutely obsessed.

Arnold asked me if i wanted to join his 80-10-10 documentary and i actually hesitated. Why? What about my gourmet treats????

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I read a book at work yesterday entitled, "I eat fruit." The South African woman in the book admitted to the very same things happening to her that happen to me. When she ate other foods (besides raw fruit, vegetables and nuts/seeds), she would binge, eating uncontrollably as if there was no end in sight. Returning to eating in a basic 80-10-10 manner, the binge eating ended.

I recall when i was doing my "recovery diet days" how much saner i actually was and how much better i was able to control my weight. They weren't DIET days. They were SANE days.

Now that i kind of brainwashed myself to believing gourmet was a goal, i got worse and worse and heavier and heavier.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GOURMET. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH "ME" AND GOURMET.

Okay, i actually think it MIGHT be possible to train onesself to stop binge eating by learning to eat in moderation. But i have NEVER in my lifetime had ANY long term success with it.

I recall an anti-diet i was did called "Overcoming Overeating." You were supposed to fill your house with every possible junk food you ever wanted and tons of it. Say you liked potato chips. You were to buy, say, 8 giant bags. In this way, you felt you always had enough and were supposed to be calmed by this, only eat a little, and ultimately, lose weight. You were to learn to eat from your hunger, learn to stop when you were full.

I gained miserably on this plan. I ate like it was going out of style. But, i wouldn't give up. The book said that no matter HOW MUCH you gained to just keep trying to attain the goal. I just kept buying those bags and bags of junkfood, replenishing what i had binged on, i kept bingeing, kept replensihing, because i knew i would eventually succeed at overcoming overeating in this way.

I didn't.

You know when i overcame overeating fast food? When i gave it up totally.

Why is it i've never eaten another hamburger again???

BECAUSE I'VE NEVER EATEN ANOTHER HAMBURGER AGAIN.

It is a pitiful thing to be an all or nothing person like me. I don't wish it on anyone. I feel like I can't enjoy the simple pleasures of food like other people can, just get up from the table, contentedly full, rubbing my belly, emitting a pleased, "Ahhhhhhh" and that being the end of it.

I recall one of the times i went off 80-10-10 by eating out at "All the Way Live," a phenomel raw food eatery close by. One meal there became 3, in a row. I became absolutely obsessed. I sat outside on the patio miserably downing the 2nd and 3rd huge platter of food i took home, and the two desserts, not enjoying any of it. Where was the pleasure? It was fleeting. There was none. It had become a sick thing.

Read the following email from a friend:

I am obsessed with raw bread, too! I ate a few tastes yesterday, but after that...it didn't end there. That taste for salt was awoken. I ate a lot of salt last night...and awoke with dark dark circles/marks under my eyes this morning....and as if I didn't learn my lesson, made a tomato salad, and heavily salted it today. Also, when I woke up this morning, my mouth was bone dry....it was horrible!

This just goes to show you that I cannot even go there!!!!!!! An addict is an addict, but an addict is 1/2 way cured when we admit that we have a problem. And I have a major problem with salt...the funny thing is...salt didn't used to effect me the way it does now. I don't remember having dark under eyes if I ate a lot of salt in the past. Maybe my body is becoming too sensitive?

Either way, salt is just like raw goat cheese for me. I shouldn't even touch it in the first place because I know myself well enough, and respect myself enough, to know that I won't be able to make it a "short affair!!!"

I so agree with you, Megan and Susan [referring to yesterdays post]....I feel that I can better control stress on 80-10-10...and I am more productive, energetic and positive. And I am not obsessed with "what am I going to eat next"...I also cannot stop when I start on raw cheese so don't even start it in the first place. The same will have to happen with salt. I have to stop numbing myself and just feel my emotions and embrace them instead of hiding them!

Today I had a little cantelope in the morning and the rest of the day had salty tomato salad with onion....I feel like crap now and am ready to get in bed!!!

When I eat salt, I am so thirsty and wake up so parched in the morning.

When I am 80-10-10ing, I am not obsessing over food....and I barely drink any water because I am so well hydrated.

Guess what, tomorrow is a new day and can be considered a new start or a clean slate.

I will be back to 80-10-10 because I know that is the best for me!!!!! Come join me on 80-10-10!

More from friends - Debbie comments:

Michelle - Don't wait another day to go back on 80 10 10. It's much easier for me, too, to just stay away from all the spices, salts, and oils. I ordered a book called, Excitotoxins, The Taste That Kills, and can't wait to start reading it for encouragement.

You know, it occurs to me that Angela Stokes-Monarch, who eats gourmet occasionally may never have been a binge eater.

I remember when i was on www.rawfoodbootcamp.com how my days were at work - productive, completely unobsessed and even uninterested in food, until i got hungry. It was such a pleasure. I told everyone i felt, "FREE." I did.

Paradoxically, in being actually FREE from any food rules now, i feel horrendous.

Some people NEED structure. Some people like ME.

Isn't it a pity that a person such as me who ENJOYS food so much can't learn to enjoy food in moderation?????

There are those of us who when we allow ourselves an inch, we take a foot. And then there are those us of and that can live contentedly in the world of pleasure and can enjoy it and not go overboard. I wish someday i could be one of those people. I think someday i can be. I think spiritually and emotionally i might have to grow. Maybe it's still a possibility. But, not today.

For today, i'm giving up that wish. I just want to return to the way i looked and felt not too long ago. I want to lose these 18 or so pounds and get back to 250.

Why did i stop there, anyway? Remember i was trying to learn how to moderate?

I think i must have been just scared, emotionally, to really break 250. To say goodbye to 250. Okay, so i tried to moderate and now it's 268 or higher, probably.

I think also FOOD has been my MAJOR SOURCE OF PLEASURE in my life. Without pleasurable food (fat and salt), my life feels sadly empty of pleasure.

There should be no reason to hold off further weight loss past 250. There should be no reason why i couldn't go on 80-10-10 for the next year and forego all of the gourmet eateries, all of the gourmet treats at work. It's a sad proposition, but, you know what? It's only food. What's more important? Restoring sanity and health or persisting in a goal which is at this point, unreachable?

Maybe when i reach 200 lbs, i can teach myself to eat gourmet moderately.

Until then, i think i need to seriously turn my back on fat and salt.

When i did www.rawfoodbootcamp.com i ate 1/4 of an avo a day, no salt, and lost weight, again, for the first time in a YEAR.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At OHI, I lost 140 lbs in the first 8 months of being a raw foodist.

I've been raw now for 2.5 years, 3 years in November. After those initial 8 months, the rest of the time, i've been basically hogging out on gourmet and gaining, or finally losing again on 80-10-10, then gaining it back everytime i indulge in gourmet.

It is sad to say that some of us, cannot just take a taste, and have it stop there.

Intellectually, i KNOW it is possible to learn to control food, good food, i KNOW that. I just don't think i have the resources to do that right now. Maybe another time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'll be returning to 80-10-10ing. I'll return to writing my food down. And i'll tell myself the following, "You can work on enjoying gourmet raw food again in moderation when you weigh 200 lbs."

I think it is a good goal. There is no reason i need to be this heavy. The only reason i HAVE been is because i've been so insistent that i can control gourmet. Well, i keep trying. It ain't working.

There are more ways than one to skin a cat. Some folks can do Weight Watchers and eat 1 oz of potato chips and 1/2 cup of icecream and lose their weight and live blissfully forever eating moderately. I could never accomplish that. I always lost control.

Blessings to you on YOUR journey. We ALL have a different one. This is going to be MINE for the next.....hm......7 months. 10 pounds a month. 7 months. That is actually a very reasonable goal! I am probably close to 270 now. Maybe i'll weigh myself later this morning and make it official, my official weigh in of the new plan.

Cross your fingers. Pray for me. I think i'm making the right decision. How long can a person go on gaining and not say, "STOP THE INSANITY!"

P.S. i'm not going to the Raw Spirit Fest. I need to work on my opera. And get sane again. Watermelon, here i come!

I'll write later what i plan as a new food plan. I'm thinking unlimited bananas, no salt, low fat, but not insanely low. I'll need to set up some serious parameters for fat that are reasonable. Of course exercise.

xoxox michelle joy

THE "PURE RAW JOY" OF ARNOLDS WAY GALS!!!

Hello, Lovlies,

I experienced so much 'pure raw joy' today....the only problem was...none of it was coming from me!!! More about THAT unfortunate-ness later. But, first, to the beautiful parts of today.

THE PURE RAW JOY OF TALIA PALANT
Today at work, we were gifted with the presence of the beautiful and lovely Talia Palant, our former coworker, and forever friend. Talia is a raw foodist, animal advocate, potluck leader and psychologist. She is a giving, caring, kind, sweet person and an old fashioned beauty. Alabaster skin, auburn curls. She looks like a model right out of a Renoir painting, but her inside is as lovely as her outside!!!! Sweet, Kind, Funny, Thoughtful.

Talia brought fresh organic homegrown tomatoes and Kohlrabit as a gift today. (Along with photos from her potluck. I wish i had them digitally to show you, but they are prints...) Have you ever tried Kohlrabi? it's like a very mild HUGE radish, kind of like pineapple in texture and sort of reminds me of a cross between an apple and a cauliflower. I believe it is in the cruciferous family. I sampled them for the first time at Talia's potluck and was hooked. What a yummy veg!!! You can shred it. You can chop it in chunks. Today at work, I was just happily snacking on it. Thank you, Talia!

Talia also arrived with news of her 10 day cantaloupe fast that she just completed. WOW! She said she actually began to CRAVE the cantaloupe!!! When she stopped her fast and ate a pickle, she woke up the next morning with her eyes all puffy and swelled up. Pretty amazing when we cleanse the body and then introduce something into that it doesn't particularly like, it lets us know!

Talia is such a sweety, she brought US a huge cantaloupe and proceeded to put the entire fruit, seeds and all, except for the skin, into the Vitamix, and blended it up into a creamy, frappy, thick, sweet soup to demonstrate how she's been ingesting her cantaloupe during the 10 day fast. What a TREAT! I could NOT believe how yummy this was and how the seeds imparted such a creaminess. I LOVED this!

Talia, you are such a dearheart. BIG hugs and kisses to you for sharing your personal triumph with us and introducing us to some new favorite foods...cantaloupe soup and kohlrabi! We both agreed the soup would be AWESOME with a little mint or cilantro, maybe some lime... But, honestly, just as it was, it was delicious.

P.S. Do all of you know that melons are suppossed to be eaten for cleansing and ideally, we are to eat our melons alone? Meaning not with any other fruit. Melons take probably LESS than 15 minutes to digest. They are so full of liquid, they just practically disintigrate in the mouth and are predigested by the time they hit the belly. Ingesting them in this way, blenderized, probably speeds up the process even more!

God, that soup was good. I bet watermelon would be good like this, blenderized with the seeds.

As I mentioned, Talia is also an animal advocate. She does pet-sitting and teaches people to feed their pets raw meat and bones. To see Talia's video about feeding animals raw foods, check out her youtube with arnold: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUVvauMh-b4

~ ~ ~ ~

THE PURE RAW JOY OF ARMENA
We were also blessed by Armena's visit to Arnolds Way today. Armena is a long term raw foodist who is an 80-10-10 believer. For the past two years, Armena has been following 80-10-10 very strictly!

Armena is so passionate about sharing her love of 80-10-10 with raw foodists (and those still on cooked foods) who are still struggling with less than perfect digestion, she wrote two songs to help educate and remind us of the rules to follow for perfect digestion.

After singing for us today, Armena said, "I like to FEEL perfect. I don't like my tummy to feel upset."

By eating very little fat, all fruit and greens, Armena is able to be energized all day and never have an upset stomach, gas, belching. She feels good always.

The other evening, she accompanied her sister out to dinner and ordered a salad and guacamole. A less than perfect choice for 80-10-10. Her reaction to the high fat meal reinforced her beliefs in 80-10-10. As soon as she got home from the early dinner, she needed a nap. The excess fat zapped her of energy. She had sung the songs for us yesterday, but came again to Arnolds Way today so we could tape her. "i realized how badly eating too much fat made me feel, so i knew i wanted to come again today to sing the songs again."

I can relate to feeling drained after ingesting too much fat. HELLO!!! Zzzzzzzzz.....Zzzzzzzzz....

I really enjoyed Armena's songs and would love to share them with you now. These videos were not shot at arnolds way, but soon her renditions of these same songs filmed at arnolds way today will be on youtube.

ARMENA SINGS ABOUT FRUIT
"Bananas with Banana" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K62J5ckt4-4

LYRICS:

BaNAna With baNA na And a GRAPE With a GRAPE, NUT or Seed with
GREENS (not Sweets) we diGEST As an APE, boNObos', Chimps', and HUmans'
Plumbing's SAME In the PIPES, sweet FRUIT with Greens (not FATS) digest WELL for PRImates of our TYPE.

Refrain: DiGEStion, SepaRATE sweet Fruit from FRUITS of Fat or ACid
and your TUMmy Will NOT Have a FIGHT diGEStion, SepaRATE sweet Fruit from NUT or Seed or avoCAdo and your BELy Will FEEL All RIGHT

AVoCado, DURiAn or NUT Or SEED, these FATty Fruits diGEST with
Greens, only a LITtle FATdo we NEED, ONE Time per DAY at Most, of ON-Ly one
KIND, these FATty Foodsdigest WELL with Greens (butnotwith SWEETfood of Any KIND).

Refrain

paPAYa, Peach, perSIMMons, Pear will GIVE our NATural FUEL. such WHOLE fresh RIPE raw JUICy Fruits, and baNANas Are the RULE, EAT eNOUGH CALories of Fruit, and HAPpiNess will BLOOM inyourBODy And your MIND
and Mood, you'll FIND you Want to ZOOM.

Refrain

"Peace in the Pipes" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nbyep4TU5_U

LYRICS:

Peace In the Pipes gives Hea-lth of all Types,
clear Stomach, flat stomAch, thank mono-Meals of Fruit. (repeat whole section).

Bright Eyes, bounce-in-Step, It's ElementaRy,

eat-less Fat, exercise-More, eat-more Fruit, eat fruit More
and Leaves and tender Shoots, it's eleMentary.

sweetFruits, and-veggieFruits, and Greens 'n sweet young Shoots,
whole-fresh Fruit mono-Meals, Our Fou-ntain of Youth,
it's Elementary, it's "elfeMemfary"!
it's :Elfemenfary"...

it's "elf" (eat less fat),
"em" (exercise more)
"emf (eat more fruit),

its Elfemenfary, its elf em emf ar Ry!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

THE PURE RAW JOY OF MEGAN 'MEGABYTES'
Earlier in the day before Armena arrived, my darling friend and coworker, Megan arrived for a visit to Arnolds Way, as well. I tell you, we do have such a lovely little 'family' there. I feel blessed to be so supported by such lovely ladies and friends.

Anyway, "Megabytes," as we nicknamed her, is also 80-10-10ing. Today for lunch, she fixed a big bowl of cut up tomato and cucumber. She said her mouth was watering!

She is very inspiring. Megabytes showed me a picture of herself taken many years ago. You've the adorable and sexy pics of her dancing at Brad's Raw Chip party. Well, you would NOT recognize her at ALL in these photos taken years ago. She must have been well over 50 or 80 lbs heavier than she is now. To look at Megan today, all you see is a beautiful, waif-like Audrey Hepburn-esque adorable girl. How she looked in these old photos, bloated, dark circles under her eyes. I am still awed thinking about it. I'll have to interview Megan for an upcoming blog entry so we can hear all about her diet. I know briefly that she tried to do a fruit free diet for many many months to rid herself of candida only to give up in frustration. When she listened to Arnold that fruit was not CAUSING candida, but could actually CURE it, her candida dissappeared. He taught her that FAT was the problem. Not fruit. Now she eats very little fat and her candida is bye bye.

Megabytes also said something today that impacted me very very strongly. I was sitting with her and Arnold and talking about how much stress i've been under and my recent weight gain and how upset i am about it but how my eating is not getting back in control. I recounted to them how eating used to be for me when i first started at arnolds way. I picked literally ALL DAY on high fat living bread and spreads and avo and nuts, etc... Well, i have returned to that non-stop craziness. I asked if they thought it was the STRESS...or the FOOD.

Megan had something interesting to say.

"I cope with stress SO MUCH BETTER on 80-10-10. When i go off and eat high fat, all of a sudden, i'm stressed and everything stresses me."

OTHER COMMENTS
Earlier in the kitchen, Talia, who is also on 80-10-10 and just came off of her cantaloupe diet, was picking on raw bread. "THIS is my downfall. Salty raw bread. It's the herbs and spices in it. According to Doug Graham, they're excitotoxins. They excite the mouth and make you want more and more. You see? I started to eat this and now i want to keep eating more!"

I remarked, "I thought it was just ME. Like there was something wrong with ME. It's that way for you, too, with raw bread?" She confirmed that eating exciting food makes us crave it. I had to agree that is the pattern with me. Only i am such an addictive personality, i don't just take a bite of raw bread, i eat the whole box, or a few boxes!!!

My wish for many weeks has been to morph myself into a controlled happy sensual gourmet eater who enjoys her food, but never loses control. I've only had glimpses of success, short term success. I have to be honest and say that the most success i've had binge free on raw has been on 80-10-10. It's just the facts. I'm not good at controlling excitotoxins. I get excited by them!!!

My lovely catering partner, Susan Aman, mentioned the other day when we were out shopping for the Beckwith event, that raw bread is a trigger for her, as well. And other foods, like regular cheese, she finds difficult to control. She remarked, "I just don't even START eating it anymore because i can't stop. I don't take it in the house."

This used to be my philosophy until i decided i was smart enough to beat this myself using a book not even geared toward raw foodists. I haven't been working the "Overcoming Binge EAting" book by Dr. Fairburn as he outlines, plus...i'm just becoming more and more convinced that if i change the type of food i eat again, suddenly, all of the stress...will just leave. It's the FOOD causing the stress. Not the stress causing the food, as Megan suggested today.

My out of control eating got even worse today. And i didn't get on the scale, but i am pretty sure i've gained 15 lbs at least back.

One good thing is i had a wonderful singing practice at work tonight while doing the dishes alone after hours.

Perhaps until the craziness dies down and i can work again on 'legalizing' gourmet and improving my eating habits, i will go back on 80-10-10.

I have also noticed, and so has Arnold, that i am not as productive a worker as i was on 80-10-10. I had soooo much more energy then. Now, i'm tired always. Dragging.

I didn't take any Betaine today to see what would happen. I've been on and off hoarse and i wonder if somehow the large doses of Betaine i've been taking have been contributing.

xoxoxo michelle joy

YES, WE GOT THE BECKWITH RAW CATERING JOB!!!

Hiya Folks,

Yay! We had the conference call this morning with Rachel, the woman in charge of the event, and were very pleased to have been selected as the caterers for the Michael Beckwith event in Philadelphia on Friday, Sept 18th, 2009! Yay, yay, yay!!!

Here is the link to the info for the event! http://commonground.eventbrite.com/

Susan and I call ourselves "MOSTLY RAW CATERING with Chefs Michelle and Susan." We'll soon be having a tasting party at Arnolds Way to road-test our recipes for the event, write down recipes, and hopefully get the THUMBS UP on all of the dishes from everyone!!!

Perhaps we'll even write up the recipes and make a little ebook to sell at Arnolds Way! We've been wanting to write a recipe book together.

Have I ever told you about Susan?? She is SO amazing. She is a Registered Nurse. And now a raw foodist. She lost a tumor on her back, and 50 lbs. She's a former model with Ford and Elite in NYC!!! She is such a natural beauty inside and out. I LOVE Susan. She also has a great palet (great taste buds) and knows what tastes good. She's also a great business woman. Susan runs raw healing classes in her home and these have become so successful. If you'd like to contact Susan, here is her email: susanaman@comcast.net

Anyway, after much deliberation, Rachel finally chose the menu for the event, so this will be our menu for the Test Dinner soon at Arnolds Way. We'll have a date and details soon if you'd like to come!

The menu is almost totally raw with the exception of one or two dishes, a cooked bean salad Susan makes that I am told is soooo delish, and the hummus may be of the cooked variety as well (using cooked garbanzo beans and roasted sesame seed tahini). We thought it might be nice to have a few selections for people who might be allergic to nuts. We are told Micheal eats mostly raw food, but also eats some cooked vegan selections so such a menu will be fine. We'll decide soon if the Hummus will be raw or not....

MENU FOR VIP RECEPTION WITH MICHEAL BECKWITH

• Hibiscus Iced Tea, accented with fresh citrus slices and mint
• Creamy Ginger Garlic Broccoli Salad (raw)
• Black Bean, Wild Rice and Spring Vegetable Salad (not raw)
• Crisp Vegetable Crudite with Tri-color Raw Hummus: Lemon, Spicy Red Pepper and Spinach (raw veggies, hummus may not be raw, not determined yet)
• Veggie Cabbage Rolls with Spicy Thai Dipping Sauce (raw)
• Mini Southwestern Chili Nutmeat Collard Wraps (raw)
• Toona Celery Boats (raw)
• Pesto Peetza (raw)
• Herb Walnut Pate Stuffed Baby Bellas (raw)
• Key Lime Parfaits with Vanilla Kreme (raw)
• Assorted Dessert Platter: Pistachio/Walnut/Honey 'Baklava' Stuffed Dates; Vanilla Kreme Stuffed Dates in lemon, cacao nib, coconut and cinnamon; Chocolate Bliss Balls
• Fresh Strawberries dipped in Chocolate Kreme

I'm excited about the event and am excited to make the trial dinner soon!

If you are local, please attend the tasting dinner....and the Beckwith event!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

STRESS/FAT
Work was stressful for me today. I didn't do that great with the food. Not awful. But, not that great. I had a strawberry kreme shake for breakfast, a nori veggie wrap as a snack, a toona wrap as a snack, an avocado nori wrap as a snack. Lots of snacks. I had a chocolate raw vegan cashew based icecream, no green smoothies, only 2 peices of raw bread, some more toona.

I didn't realize that when i overdo fat, like i do, i'm trying to calm myself.

Here I thought i was so on top of my emotions. I'm not. I'm self-medicating.

No wonder i haven't had much success moving forward with my weight loss when i get into the fat....

I WAS able to finally lose on the 80-10-10 diet. And i was in control of food then.

It's starting to feel like this whole attempt to legalize gourmet for me is...not really working.

I turn to fat when i'm stressed, and i've been stressed. When i start to eat fat, i crave fat.

I've gained those 10 lbs since i've been stressed the past few weeks. This morning i weighed in at 259 and i was happy with that. At least i broke 260. My lowest weight on this blog has been 249.

On 80-10-10, the fat is so low, you don't really get a taste for it, and coping with food is a cinch. No compulsions. No out of control eating episodes. The weight just drops OFF of you.

I did notice when i did 80-10-10, i was forced to deal with my emotions instead of stuff them. I often suffered mini panic attacks, and i'd have to breath deeply, count, and just overcome it.

Eating the fat, i don't get panicy. I just feel attracted to food, constantly, and then feel really bad physically afterwards.

Us folks with eating disorders have a way of focusing on bad physical feelings as distractions to dealing with our emotions. If i feel badly about having overeaten or feel tired, i don't have to actually FEEL what's really disturbing me. It helps us deny and switch the focus.

80-10-10 is sooooooo pure. Could i really do that for the rest of my life??? When i was on it, i certainly enjoyed it alot. And enjoyed losing weight. Yet, i have such a feeling of melancholy that comes over me thinking of giving up gourmet...forever.

My dear friend, Talia, sent me a very thought provoking video of Dr. Douglas Graham, the founder of the 80-10-10 diet speaking about how fat and gourmet raw numb the emotions. I guess everyone will be walking around like zombies at the Beckwith event!!!!! They'll all be feeling...real good!

No wonder I grab for the raw bread and nutspreads when i am under stress. Flax seeds and olive oil and nuts.

The do rob me of physical energy. And i suppose if they block energy in the physical realm, they must be blocking energy of the emotional realm. Making food in a busy kitchen is a stressful thing. I calm myself.

Dr. Graham is such a kind of unlikeable annoying kind of guy probably because he has no fat numbing his miserable personality. HAHA. Sad, but true. I don't particularly like Dr. Graham's personality, and found some personal contact with him lacking in feeling, but the video had a very big impact on me. I thought of it many times today.

If you'd like to watch the video, this website seems to be a wonderful resource - just scroll down and enjoy!: http://shealynnbaird.wordpress.com/

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Yet, there are those in the raw world that seem to have it all. Angela Stokes indulges in gourmet sporatically, but doesn't seem to beat herself up when she does. In fact, she revels in it. Yet never overdoes it. My friend, Dustin Kellogg, www.hundredthmonkeyeffect.net has lost a HUGE amount of weight and eats gourmet daily. His wife is THE MOST GIFTED RAW CHEF I KNOW. www.therawseed.com Meredith makes incredible foods and Dustin gets skinnier and skinner. Tim Arnold has lost 140 lbs in less than a year eating gourmet daily. He even chews on himalayan rock salt all day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, there. And then there's me. Gourmet is so yummy. But i have such poor eating habits. And a binge eating disorder. So, what's the answer for me??? I've been trying to determine that!!!

I'm sure I'll eventually figure it out. And until then, i'll just keep truckin'.

I sure would like to have it all. To learn to be in control with gourmet raw. To lose weight. It's something that would need ALOT of focus. Alot of focusing in on hunger. Eating small portions. Exercising.

After the Beckwith event and the opera, things will look clearer.

Thanks for being here for me.

Enjoy your day, lovelies!

xoxox michelle joy

New Work Schedule

Morning, Folks,

It's Michelle here! Well, things are moving and shaking with the Beckwith event. We have a conference call with Beckwith's people this morning and should know more...if we are selected as the caterer...or if we are not. Cross your fingers!!

Time to go do the dishes! I was SOOOO tired last night, i just could NOT muster up the energy to do them.

Then we have the call.

Then i'm off to work! I'm now working on Weds instead of Tuesdays. It should be an easier day, less hours. Tuesdays are our late nights at Arnolds Way, but Megan, my coworker, had to switch days with me. I'm kind of looking forward to a shorter work day. Plus, opera rehearsals start on Tuesdays next week. This was kind of very "secret" how that all worked out.

I mentally practiced my opera for a 1/2 hour this morning.

No time for a walk just now. But i have my swimsuit and towels in the car if i would like to do a water walking session after work today!

I had a yummy strawberries 'n kreme shake for breakfast! Frozen strawberries, bananas, hemp seeds, water, agave. YUM!!!!

I'm doing NONI JUICE again to help with the allergies. My catering partner, Susan, SWEARS by the stuff and just so happens to be a NONI JUICE supplier. I bought 2 bottles from her yesterday.

Well, chickadees, that's it for now!

XOXO MICHELLE JOY

TINDLEY TEMPLE and the MICHAEL BECKWITH EVENT!

MICHAEL BERNARD BECKWITH

SPIRITUAL MINISTER OF AGAPE CHURCH, LOS ANGELES, GUEST ON OPRAH AND LARRY KING, CONTRIBUTOR TO "THE SECRET" SPEAKS IN PHILADELPHIA, PA ON FRIDAY SEPT 18TH AT TINDLEY TEMPLE ON BROAD STREET (BETWEEN FITZWATER AND CATHERING).

THE TOPIC: SPIRITUAL LIBERATION & TRANSFORMATION!!!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE COMMON GROUND FELLOWSHIP


Hiya, Ladies,

Hope you are all well today!

I'm feeling a wee bit sleepy right now, but overall much more positive and more confident and upbeat than i have been the last few days. I'm happy about feeling better today. yay.

Vocally, i'm also less hoarse. I vocalized last night and this morning for a bit, and plan on vocalizing some more later, after i get some work done and rest a bit. I also studied my opera last night for my performance of Don Giovanni on Sept. 13th in Lansdale at the Dock Woods Chapel with Amici Opera. Wish me luck on that, and if you're local, come on down!!!

Above you will see a pic of TINDLEY TEMPLE, a historic 170+ year old church on South Broad Street in Philadelphia, where Michael Beckwith will speak.

Today was a busy day! I woke up, colored my hair, i'm now restored to 25 and holding, and walked about 30 mins at a good clip (in the Philadelphia heat) to meet my catering partner, Susan Aman, at the Restaurant Depot to look into pricing for some things we may need for the event, should we be hired. We checked out catering party trays, produce prices, olive oil, herbs and seasonings, etc... It was a productive trip.

We then drove downtown to the Tindley Temple to check out the kitchen, the refrigerators, etc... and to just get a feel for the space. We were pleased that there is so much refrigeration available in and outside of the kitchen, and that so many items in the church we were invited to use (mixing bowls, seasonings, soap, etc...). The less we have to buy, the better.

Susan and I then met with one of Micheal Beckwith's people, Rachel, she is so nice, we've met before, to discuss more details about our possibly catering the event.

The upcoming event "AN EVENING WITH MICHAEL BERNARD BECKWITH AND RICKEY BECKWITH: Spiritual Liberation and Transformation" will take place at the Tindley Temple in Philadelphia on Friday, Sept. 18th.

VIP RAW VEGAN CATERED Reception 6:30pm.

Entertainment and Talk from 7:30pm-10:00pm.

Click here for event info and tickets: http://commonground.eventbrite.com/

It was a good meeting with Rachel and we got some details ironed out, especially as far as party trays goes. We're going to stick with clear or clear with gold rim. There is still much more to figure out, even before we are hired. We need to make some more suggestions for nutfree raw dishes to serve, as Rachel was concerned some folks might have nut allergies. So much goes into the organizing and the planning of a big event like this and everything needs to be just right. Even before the contract is signed.... Many hours spent just organizing, even before the event takes place...

Hopefully, we will get the job, and we will cater a fabulous event for Michael Beckwith!!!

I know one thing, being exposed to a highly evolved minister of positivity like Michael Beckwith will so enrich my life. It already has. I listened to some youtubes of him today and he is so inspirational!

After the VIP party for him at 6:30pm (which we may be catering), musical entertainment will take place, followed by a talk by Beckwith, which we will be allowed to attend. I'm really looking forward to that!

I remember how i was absolutely vibrating with positivity after attending his church in LA with the other workers at the raw retreat i went to. I can't imagine how wonderful it will be to hear him talk, personally cater his food to his 'green' room, meet him, perhaps even be given the opportunity to sing for him!!!! (I hope to be able to sing for Rachel one of these upcoming days. As i felt somewhat better today, it may soon be a possibility, ...though the clock is ticking and the event will be here before you know it and the entertainment is pretty much nailed down, i was told. Plus, they even requested the entertainment perform LESS than previously arranged. But, it would still be nice to sing for her. Perhaps i could be used in another event???)

Since we were downtown, Susan and I had lunch at ESSENE, a beautiful health food store in South Philly that has a wonderful vegan buffet bar and cafe. Though barely any of the items on the vegan buffet were raw, it was still nice to know something so wonderful is available.

As Susan is not 100% raw, she found something yummy to snack on, and i hit the Awesome Foods refrigerator. I chose their raw rosemary bread and got two banana whips from the food counter. Yum.

Later in the car, Susan whipped out from her igloo a container of the most marvelous amazingly delicious fresh crunchy spicy HOMEMADE GASPACHO i have ever tasted. I think it was the most delicious thing i have eaten in my whole life. Fat free. So healthy. So fresh. We definitely want to include this on the catering menu for the Beckwith event. If i could take a bath in this stuff, i would.

You see, raw foodists ALL travel with food. It's a MUST. Have igloo will travel. You see, i expected more raw to be available at Essene and it wasn't. They were almost all out of Awesome Foods, which came as a complete surprise as i was told they have the best selection of their foods available. So you see that? Never leave the house without taking raw food with you. It's the only way.

Well, now i have some work for Arnolds Way to do. And then i'll study my opera some more.

Hope you all all well. Say HI when you can!!! Please. I don't know if you are out there. HELLOOOOO there...!!! Say HELLO!

Much love, oxoxo michelle joy

Raw Chili Day!

Hiya Folks,

Looking at this picture just makes me smile! Meet Pat from Wyncote, PA. Pat is my newest raw student! We just had a fun in-home un-cooking class in her home! She is sooo nice!

Pat is a fitness trainer and working mom who is an Arnolds Way customer. Pat just loves the raw food diet, but she needed to learn more options for lunches at work....instead of just salad, salad, salad and some more salad. Did i mention salad? She's been getting a little bored lately.

Tonight we made lots of yummy things together that hopefully will give her more options for interesting meals to take to work that feel more like 'entrees'.

We made:

• veggie chili: a chopped veggie salad with cilantro, that you top with a spicy sundried tomato sauce and nutcheeze. Yummo!
• creamy asian vinaigrette: another option so she doesn't always have to have plain boring braggs vinaigrette that can top SO MUCH more than just lettuce. Use it to top a bowl of mushrooms for "marinated mushrooms" or to dress shredded beets for a spicy beetslaw, or to dress shredded carrots for a yummy carrot slaw. Delish!
• spagehetti marinara: zucchini 'noodles' topped with sundried tomato italian herb sauce. this sauce can also double as pizza sauce or add a little zest to a boring salad!
• cabbage slaw: we made a simple vinaigrette to go with the shredded cabbage, carrot and onion, but if she wants, she can top off the slaw with more than just the vinaigrette...she can boost this to the next level by topping that with the creamy cashew cheeze we made for a 'creamy coleslaw'. Talk about yum. Her coworkers won't KNOW it's not mayo!
• toona salad: this is the salad i am becoming famous for!!! it really tastes like tuna salad! If you want the recipe, it's in Lisa Montgomery's new book, "Raw Inspiration." Buy it from me here! Send me an email!
• mexican nutmeat: a sundried tomato pate with cilantro and spices. Delish! She can make this into a wrap or a sandwhich or plop on a salad. The same with the toona.
• lemony cheezecake: we swirled chocolate cream into some of the sweet lemony cashew cream that was spread above a hazelnut, coconut, date crust! This will be yummy!

It was such a pleasure cooking with Pat. She is keen on making raw food a lifestyle she can live with, get healthier and healthier, and feel satisfied and not deprived. Thanks, Pat, for being such a great student!! She took diligent notes and feels more confident that she can make more interesting lunches!! I explained some basic principles of raw food prep to her and she totally caught on. I think Pat is going to be JUST FINE!!!!!

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Aw, looking at the picture of Pat and me makes me smile, but I didn't feel that great today.

I'm still hoarse. I'm tired. I'm tense. I'm stressed.

I did take a good walk again with my mother this morning. Good we got that in. 2nd day in a row. That was good. But, it didn't take the stress away. I feel like i'm being pulled in 50 directions. I'm going to HAVE to start meditating regularly. I don't think there will be any way to get through all of this without it.

Lunch was problematic and that doesn't add to the good feelings about the day. I feel guilty about the 'Awesome Foods' prepackaged raw foods 'mini-binge' i had for lunch. 2 small 2 oz bags of Brad's Raw Chips, 1 container of 'toona', one container of 'turkey burgers', one container of 'fudge' and one bag of daikon chive chips.

I'm trying to recognize this episode as stress related. I've been on the phone all day with my catering partner for the Beckwith event coming up. It is 95% sure we will get the assignment, but still so much to resolve before their final decision is made. I just think this month is just going to be very very tough on me with the opera and this possible gig and i'm just busy from morning til night. I'll have to go easy on myself and not expect much. If i maintain my weight over the next month, that will be a success! After September is over, i can focus in on losing again.

Nevertheless, my partner, Susan and I will meet tomorrow at Restaurant Depot here in Manayunk to investigave some serving trays and other possible necessities for catering. We'll also meet Rachel, one of Michael Beckwith's people, at the Tindley Temple where the event is being held to look over the kitchen at the church. Since the event is not air conditioned, we want to be sure we'll have sufficient refrigerator space, etc... and get an idea of what we need to set up the kitchen. We should be closing in on the deal soon enough if all goes well. Wish us luck!

Nevertheless, although it's good news, i'm stressed by it! I'm stressed by everything these days. This opera thing is really really freaking me out. My mother had to remind me today, "Honey, are you being paid for this opera?" "No," i had to answer honestly. "Well, why don't you just do your best. Just relax and even if you're awful, what does it matter." I have to laugh. it DOES make me feel better to think of it this way. It DOES relieve the pressure.

You know what, i really need to work on my mental state and my emotional state. Meditation. The Secret. It's just becoming so so so necessary. It's eat. Or cope better.

The fact that i'm still hoarse is making everything more difficult. I have to stop reacting to it. And just accept. accept. accept. I have the first opera rehearsal next Tuesday, so hopefully, i can just get good enough for Tuesday where i can have a good portion of the opera memorized and the rest i'll use my music for. Over the following week, i'll keep learning and hopefully by Sept 13 at the performance, i'll have it down. I've been practicing mentally, but have not practiced vocally for days. The one good thing is that i've sung this role before.

The only thing i can imagine is that this hoarseness is a reaction to the high mold spores pollen right now. Either that, or it's stress. Or it's reflux. But, i've not been doing anything different to cause more reflux. And I've experienced this hoarseness at the changinging of the seasons before, so i'm pretty positive it's allergies.

I spoke with my catering partner, Susan Aman, a wonderful raw teacher and speaker, who also happens to be a Registered Nurse (who lost 50 lbs eating raw AND lost a giant tumor on her back ) about the hoarseness, asking if she thought it might be my allergy to mold. She agreed it probably was, that we are having spring pollen right now. She used to be very very allergic to pollen, in fact, but suggested I start taking Noni juice again, as after one week of doing Noni juice, her seasonal allergies improved 90%.

Tomorrow she is bringing me a bottle. I had finished the bottle i bought at the raw wedding fest in oregon. I'm willing to drink more of the vomity tasting elixer if it will make me feel better!!!

Well, cross your fingers for me and pray for me for strength to get through all that is going on. I know i need to work harder on my mental and emotional stuff. I just keep having to tell myself, "I may not be where i want to be...but i sure as heck am glad i'm not where i was."

No matter what, i'm still better at handling stress than i ever was.

My mother commented today, "You're so busy now. You like to keep busy. All you used to do before was lay and eat and watch TV."

You've come a long way, baby!

Michelle Joy xoxoxo

Mario, Mario, Mario!

CHEF MICHELLE IN THE MOKBEL KITCHEN!


















MARIO, MY EXTRAORDINARY ASSISTANT, READY TO ASSIST!


















SAY HI TO MARIO! HERE IS THE KEY LIME PUDDING WE MADE!


















HERE IS ROULA! THIS IS THE SWEET MACADEMIA CREAM THAT TOPPED THE KEY LIME PUDDING! MMMMM!


















THE MOST DELICIOUS COLLARD WRAP YOU HAVE EVER TASTED STUFFED WITH RAW HUMMUS AND TOMATOES!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

"Mario, Mario, Mario" is a famous entrance line sung by Floria Tosca from the opera Tosca, by Puccini. I cannot get it out of my head! I wonder why? Perhaps because this morning I had an in-home raw food prep 'class' with Mario Mokbel, 'the MARIO' at Arnolds Way, and his beautiful wife and 2 children in Quakertown, PA.

Mario is a customer who lights up Arnolds Way the minute he enters the store and we see his shining face and feel his exuberant energy. Mario positively radiates with good health, personality and vibrance. He is a handsome, charming, swarthy, fit, lithe, mediterranean man, an earthy mix of Lebanese and Greek, who looks ageless. Is he 20? 30? 40? I can't even tell!

Mario's skin is the color of mocha and is the clearest skin ever. Mario probably has great genes, but one cannot look as healthy as he does unless they take care of themselves. His fit and trim physique and radiant glow say 'i care for myself.'

In fact, Mario juices wheatgrass daily and drinks green smoothies like they are going out of style. This is a man who does what makes him FEEL GOOD...and HEALTHY RAW FOOD makes him feel good. When we see Mario at work, he makes US feel good!

Mario likes his smoothies the greener, the better. Mario is the kind of guy that gets EXCITED talking about dinosour kale and swiss chard amd wheatgrass! In fact, Mario loves raw food so much, he would like to open up a raw food restaurant. Of course i volunteered my services as RAW CHEFFESS!!!

And I know EXACTLY who would be my CHEIF NUMBER ONE ASSISTANT....MARIO! He was the BEST sous chef today, EVER! Always anticipating my needs, cleaning up after me, too! Not to mention, he also did such a fabulous job shopping for his ingredients and had everything ready for me, organized, out on the counter....what a guy, wow!! He shops, he cleans, he cooks, he's gorgeous. What more could a girl ask for???

Mario's wife, Roula, a BEAUTIFUL stunner from Lebanon, is one lucky lady! But, heck, Mario's lucky, too! Roula looks like a Miss Universe Pageant contestant, keeps the chic and colorfully decorated house spotless, and took diligent notes of our recipes, oohing and ahhhing when she tasted the dishes. It was such a pleasure demonstrating 'un-cooking' for Mario and his wife. They both have gifted taste buds and were so helpful in guiding me to make dishes to please them. "More garlic! Less lemon!" It was such a PLEASURE!!! They know what they like!!! That makes it SO easy!

Mario's little sons, Elie, 8 and Alexi, 5 1/2 are soo cute! The eldest of the two, Elie, really loved the smoothies we made. "Mmmmmm!" he exclaimed after tasting the orange julius shake and the parsley shake!!! We made the parsley one extra sweet for kids tastes. Little Alexi wasn't as adventurous, but we'll hold out hope for him yet!

This morning, we prepared together ALOT of food! First we made lots of yummy shakes:

• Orange Julius shake: a blend of orange and banana and vanilla with a secret creamy, creamy ingredient: hemp seed!
• Orange Kale shake: a yummy blend of dinosaur kale, whole oranges and banana
• Vanilla Swiss Chard shake: chard, hemp, banana, and peaches
• Parsley passion shake: orange juice, strawberries, banana and mang

The smoothies were all a big hit! The sweetest of them all was the parsley passion, which is a good one for kids. I think my favorite was the one with oranges and kale. Mario's favorite was the creamy vanilla swiss chard shake. God, they are ALL good.

GREEN SMOOTHIES
What's so great about green smoothies is that you can rarely go wrong. Stick some banana, some greens, some yellow or white fruit (mango, pineapple, apple, pear, peach, etc..) in with it, maybe some date or agave for sweetness, icewater and ice or use frozen fruit, blend up, and oila. It's an easy formula to follow: Greens, banana, yellow or white fruit, dates/agave, water.

Victoria Boutenko says it's good to constantly switch your greens around. One day kale. The next spinach. The next dandelion greens. Etc...

AFter you get the hang of it, you can experiment with additions. Add a red fruit (strawberry, blueberry, etc..). Add cacao. Add vanilla. Add hemp. Honestly, i don't think you can go wrong.

We also made several savory dishes:

• Mumbai Gaspacho: a twist on traditional gaspacho with 'indian' flavors like turmeric, coriander, cilantro, lime juice and ginger root.
• Garbanzo bean/Macademia Hummus Collard wraps: a delicious un-cooked bean and nut spread flavored with garlic, cumin and lemon spread over collard greens, topped with fresh parsley, green onions and tomato and rolled into a 'wrap'. To LIVE for!
• Garlic/Onion Dip Collard Wraps: an almond/cashew pate' seasoned with green onion and garlic topped with carrot and tomato wrapped in collards. YUM!
• Green Livin' Bread: assorted greens, flax and buckwheat dehydrated into crackers
• Cashew Coconut Cookies: these were awesome....even before we put them in the dehydrator
• Asian Creamy Vinaigrette: a creamy salad dressing flavored with raw soy, ginger and garlic
• Key Lime Pudding with Vanilla sauce: avocado lime pudding topped with creamy macademia vanilla sauce. Wow! Sweet macademia nut cream seasoned with vanilla tastes like melted Breyer's icecream!!!
  

We REALLY accomplished a LOT in a little over two hours!

A BIG Thank you to Mario and his wonderful family for making the session so much fun! I hope they learned a lot and feel inspired that they can recreate these dishes and OTHERS on their own. Once you understand some basic principles, raw food prep becomes SO easy!

~ ~ ~ ~
DINNER AT TUSCANA
Yesterday, my family and i celebrated my father's birthday at a lovely restaurant called, "Tuscana". Happy Birthday, Daddy!

When i ordered my salad, "Fresh vegetables, only, nothing cooked, no cheese, no croutons, no dressing, lemon and olive oil on the side," the waiter said, "Oh, I think i know what you're doing! I'll talk to you about later!" Indeed we did talk. He is very aware of the rawfood lifestyle and is health conscious himself, and buys only ORGANIC produce, dairy and meats for his family and for his 6 year old child. Isn't it amazing how this thing is catching on???

I even got to show the waiter my 'story' and pics in Lisa Montgomery's book, "Raw Inspiration." I had a copy to gift to my father for his birthday. Now that his daughter is world famous....you know, i have to show everyone my chapter and recipes in the book!

Bernie was a very proud Daddy to see his daughter starring in a published book. He read through much of my story there at the dinner table as we waited for our food, and said he was near tears. He'd never realized things had gotten so bad for me with food.

I know I complain about being 'out of control' often with food, but, my dears, what i consider NOW out of control and what USED to be out of control...is like apples...and oranges.

I wouldn't recommend this restaurant, 'Tuscana', however. It is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous there, but as they really didn't have many fresh vegetables to offer, it's not really raw-friendly. My salad arrived with preseasoned oily tomatoes, a ton of onion and 1/2 head of iceburg lettuce. When i asked for cucumber or something fresh, fresh mango or pear, he noted that the cucumber they use is already prepared into a salsa of sorts, as are all of the other vegetables listed on the salads. No fresh mango, but mango salsa. What i was given was all they had 'fresh.'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A GOOD DAY
Today i've done relatively well with my food, and am feeling more confident and positive.

I had some of the green smoothie Mario and I made for breakfast, some tastes of the wraps we made and then later, at Arnolds Way, i had a chocolate hemp whip and a raw pizza. Not exactly 80-10-10 'diet' food, but i made a good choice in that I decided pizza, which contains 2 slices of raw bread, a better choice than buying an entire container of raw bread and taking it home.

A more controlled way of enjoying it. Which i did. And then i said, 'goodbye' and didn't have to worry about thinking about raw bread later.

Now i'm at my mom's and we went shopping to Giant for lots of produce. They have lovely organic selections there. That is so nice. I don't always buy strictly organic, but when i have the choice, like to buy organic. It just TASTES better.

My mother and i just got back from a 45 mins walk out in the humid peasoup heat of Philadelphia today. We had a lovely walk, but it was stinkin' hot, so now i'm drinking agua. Mas agua por favor! So glad to have chosen to get a walk in. I was feeling good today and more motivated. Thank god.

How are you all? Miss hearing from you.

Love to you all, Michelle joy xoxoxoxo

A Rough Patch

Morning,

I'm trying to get back to pure raw joy...but having a tough time.

Actually, yesterday was pretty awesome most of the day.

Foodwise, I did well for most of the day. I worked yesterday, and actually did fabulously the majority of the day, which was an absolute surprise to me how that happened since i've been struggling. I drank smoothies, green smoothies, had whips, a saltfree raw spaghetti meal. I couldn't have asked for anything better. It was a busy day. It was a productive day. I was totally in control.

But, then about 7:30p.m., i was slightly hungry. And completely exhausted.

What's that thing they tell you in OA. Don't eat when you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired? "H.A.L.T." I was definitely the tired part.

I decided to eat. Not a good decision. I should have "halt"ed. Raw bread, raw bread, nutspread became the choice. Raw comfort food. Later when i arrived home, it snowballed and turned into more raw bread, raw bread, and raw cheese. I had opened the door to fat and salt. And it slammed me in the butt.

I actually don't think there's anything EVIL about fat and salt. It's just when i'm in this state.
I can't seem to get any consistent success going here.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I awoke sweating and bloated. I look awful. I feel awful.

When I overload the body with heavier raw foods not eaten in moderation, the body temp raises, the body has a lot of work to do to digest.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My throat feels like there is a golf ball in it. My voice sounds like i am a bass.

I checked the pollen count again. Mold spores are extremely high.

I know, i know, as a raw foodist, aren't i supposed to be over seasonal allergies? I guess because my body is in a state of dis-ease, i am susceptible. My system is really not made to handle overload of gourmet raw. I get sick easily like this. When will i learn?

Whatever it is, reflux, allergies, it's awful. And i feel terrible. And my voice is terrible. I'm supposed to sing at the RAW SPIRIT FEST. I'm singing an opera in a few weeks.

God, help me to return to a state of pure raw joy so i can sing and share my vocal gifts with others.

I need to practice and in this state, it's practically impossible. My voice is bad.

~ ~ ~ ~

Everytime i have a troublesome time with food, it always starts with raw living bread. For the average person, living bread is healthy: flax, buckwheat, veggies, celtic salt and olive oil. All good things.

For me, it turns into the potato chip phenomenon. In fact, it contains basically the same ingredients as potato chips, some fiber, but basically salt and fat. salt and fat. salt and fat. salt and fat. Salt and fat have always been my comfort foods.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My stress level is increasing daily with the impending Raw Spirit Fest and the opera coming up and the catering job we are almost assured of having. And my health is declining daily. As the days go on, it becomes closer and closer to the time i am to speak and sing at the RAW SPIRIT FEST...and every day is a day closer to the my first opera rehearsal and the catering job, where i might be able to sing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As a singer, my body is my instrument.

If my body is in a state of dis-ease, that is bad.

My throat is swollen, my body is swollen.

Salt and fat and raw dairy and dehydrated foods are not my friends today.

Maybe i AM one of those people that just HAS to do 80-10-10...because i can't REALLY cope, control gourmet raw, especially right now. I'm suffering. I'm gaining. I'm under stress. I can't seem to dig my way out of this.

These days, it is apparent that i cannot control it. I've had some success, but not much. Now, it's bad. I'm out of control.

The impact on my body has been awful. I was afriad to weigh in. I'm bloated. I'm hoarse. This is bad. Worse than bad. Disasterous.

INTELLECT versus SPIRIT
Yesterday morning, i drove to work in a panic. All i wanted was to eat raw bread and nutspread and to binge. At 9a.m.

When i got to work, i told myself, "This is NUTS. If you want to eat nutspread and raw bread, eat it for lunch." Giving myself permission calmed me. I chose a smoothie and forgot about the nutspread and raw bread.

I felt great in the morning. It was a good work day and as the day went on, I made excellent choices. I actually surprised myself.

Yet, i felt the hoarseness return. I can only surmise it is the mold spores, i am highly allergic to mold.

I continued on with smoothies and whips eating when i was hungry. I did really well.

I asked myself, 'Why are you able to regain control today?'

I realized that i took time to meditate when i awoke. I asked God for help. I listened into myself during the day. I asked myself what i NEEDED and addressed those needs. Everything worked like a charm.

On days when i plan, "this is what i'm going to do." but i'm not connected to the spirit or the spirit is not leading, i can easily fail. I'm relying on the strength of my intellect. Willpower. It doesn't work. At least not now.

Blogging is mostly an intellectual, analytical experience. I can talk about how things went, what i plan, but in desperate times of need, i'm finding it not enough. I have to connect with the spirit. And the spirit can take over where i have no power and good things happen. Like most of the day yesterday.

I think the really big successful raw foodists who have completely overcome their issues are highly spiritual. I don't think one can really succeed without it.

So, around 7:30p.m. last night, after a long hard day at work, i felt slightly hungry. I did not ask myself any longer what i needed. I was exhausted after a 10.5 hour work day. I asked myself what i wanted. i didn't consider my spirit. I considered my mouth.

I had wanted nutspread and bread since i got to work. But, by the grace of God, that obsession had been lifted for the day. I felt sooooo grateful.

Yet, making the decision to indulge was so easy. It was as easy as deciding, "This is what i'm gonna do." I didn't consider the consequences. i didn't consider it might turn into a binge. I knew best what to do. So, I began eating. I overate. I don't even remember feeling satisfied from the meal. it could have gone on and on had the phone at work not rang. It did, i answered, i got distracted. I did sit down to eat, at least.

When i got home, well, you know what happened. Raw bread, more raw bread and i'm ashamed to admit, a whole 8oz block of raw cheese, right before bed. Talk about reflux central. How does one create reflux? Eat fatty foods right before laying down.

This is so destructive. It's a destructive force that's at work inside of me. It feels like it's out of my control. I'm on reactive mode. I'm a nuclear reactor. I need to meditate.

Cheese, i am firmly convinced of today, is bad for me, today. Well, binging is bad for me, in general, and binging on raw cheese is even worse. Maybe raw cheese could be okay as an ounce or two ounces or even 4 ounces if i were highly active, for a meal. But this is awful. I'm going to get bronchitis or something, i just know it. I have often gotten sick during allergy season. I cannot get sick right now. I mean, i am sick. I am already sick. If i don't get myself under control, this will turn into a cold and bronchitis. And i'm eating CHEESE?? Christ almighty. Talk about self destructive.

Actually, in all of the binge literature i've read, binge eating is not an attempt to destroy, but rather to calm. I'm not TRYING to hurt myself. I'm trying to feel calm.

* * * * *

I've been conversing with a friend who often runs problems through her intellect. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." But, she does know what to do. That still small voice inside knows. That's the spirit. When we get to THAT level of connection with that power inside of us, good things happen.

It seems I'm in the same sort of quandry. I KNOW what to do. Everything in me says to take a break from heavy foods. Juice. Smoothies. Fruit. Greens. Lay off of the raw bread, the cheese, the nutspreads, the salt. Drink water. Exercise. Get back to 80-10-10. Start a cleanse going. Do the nasal saline rinse. Get a colonic.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I awoke to the horror at remembering what i did last night and how horrendously it is going to impact me. i got up to go to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and was aghast at the bloat.

Gaining weight is not a crime, i have to remember, but it feels HORRIBLE. Shame. Embarrassment. I MUST disconnect from this emotionally if i am going to break free of it. Forgive myself. Move on. Move forward. PRO-ACTIVE. Reacting does NO GOOD. Exacerbates it. Keeps it alive. Stop reacting emotionally.

I laid back in bed and mentally went through a checklist of my options. I can start taking allergy pills. I can go back on reflux medicine. I can mentally practice my opera instead of vocally until things let up. I can go on a juice fast and forget the meds. I can contact Carlene of rawfoodbootcamp.com and go back on 80-10-10 fully with much needed support.

TALENT WITH FOOD
When things are not great with food. I wish i could just get away from working with food.

One of my hugest issues is that i have a talent with food, but food is also something I struggle with, terribly.

Several times yesterday people commented about something i've made, "Man, this is SOOOOO good, you should open your own restaurant, or a food stand or a food truck and write your own recipe book." I COULD do that. But, i'm like a food addict. And i work in a kitchen. And i work with food. And i'm struggling. Still. After almost 2 years as a raw chef. I'm still struggling with controlling raw gourmet food. And i'm failing. And i'm a food addict or whatever you want to call it.

The best success i had controlling food at work long term has been when i have done 80-10-10 strictly, no cheating. I start to run into problems when i try to have a little of this, a little of that. It mostly starts with raw bread.

Who am i? A spirit shelled in a body? Or a sensual glutton? Can i GIVE UP salt and fat and raw bread and gourmet food to become a better person, a better singer, a healthier body, an in control 80-10-10 success story giving up all of life's raw pleasures? Is this my destiny? Or can i learn to control my 'substances of choice'? And become a sensual in control raw eater enjoying decadent raw gourmet food in moderation, losing the rest of her weight, saying to the world, 'you really CAN have it all.'

I thought it might be possible to eat gourmet like everyone else, and thrive.

I feel like i can't get off of this treadmill. i have 2 in-home cooking jobs over the next two days. That's GREAT. I get to help teach people how to make raw food. The only problem is, i usually need to taste test the food.

After two more in home classes, i go back to work. With food.

Food. Food. Food.

I wish i could just get away from it.

RAW INSPIRATION, LIVING DYNAMICALLY WITH RAW FOOD
Lisa Montgomery, the new local raw book celebrity author came into Arnolds Way yesterday to deliver more of her fabulous book, in which my story and recipes are highlighted. "Raw Inspiration, Living Dynmically with Raw Food" is a really good book. We'd almost sold out of it at work. As my story and recipes are contained within the book, it's become quite popular at Arnolds Way. "Are you THE Chef Michelle?" Everyday customers come in and are amazed at my before and after pictures, at my story, interested in my recipes. This is all so great. This could be such a GREAT time. I need to get out of my own way.

Three customers yesterday said i should write my own book. One had me autograph my story in Lisa's book.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm just having a tremendously challenging time coping with life right now. Things are good. But, i'm not.

Gaining weight, binge eating. This is not a crime. But i cannot let this go on. I refuse. I will not gain all of this blog weight back. What WAS this blog all for?????

I know that this too shall pass. That i'll get through this. The calmer and quieter i get, the more and more i contact the spirit and not let the head run amuck, the better i'll be.

I need to practice my opera, mentally, which i'll do this morning. That will relieve alot of this stress.

As far as food goes, I'll get real quiet and figure that out. One day at a time. If i call on God to help, he will help. As he did yesterday.

I can do this.

I'm sorry if i'm a disappointment, but I can’t worry about that right now. I’m just being honest. I’m communicating my truth. This is just a tough period and i'll get through it. I hope to get through this and be able to tell others: this is what you do. this is what works.

p.s. When I talk about meditating, it’s a meditation that I learned from the Foundation of Human Understanding, www.fhu.com

Roy Masters brilliant meditation technique is expressly designed to help us detach emotionally from stress, to connect with Spirit and to thrive. Reacting to life is bad. The meditation is exactly what I need and exactly what I have been missing. Especially when stress is amped up, if I don’t hook into a power greater than myself, my own ego/faulty coping methods/food issues take over.

xoxo michelle joy

ALLERGIES!

Hiya Folks,

Just a short post for this morning. Pollen counts are very high here in Philadelphia. Grasses, Ragweed, and Mold. Mold is especially high.

Since going raw, i've stopped taking allergy pills, but occassionally return to having allergy symptoms. I suppose it depends on how 'clean' i am inside.

Now that my eating has been troublesome, I assumed all of this hoarseness was reflux.

It's not. It's my allergies. Just another symptom that my too heavy raw diet is not beneficial for me. Nevertheless, recognizing THIS as the main source of the hoarseness is actually comforting. I was wondering why on Wednesday when my food was good and i've been taking Betaine that i was still hoarse. Now it makes sense.

I'm thinking a juice or fruit fast would eliminate these symptoms.

Pray for me.

Off to go do some water walking.

xoxo michelle joy

YOU CAN'T ACHIEVE ANYTHING UNLESS YOU EXPECT IT OF YOURSELF!

Hello dear ladies,

Yesterday i did a good amount of exercise, walked twice and even did water walking in the pool gym. (I then went and taught an in-home cooking class...we had so much fun. Pics will be forthcoming.)

At the pool, there is this huge peice of inspirational artwork that states, "You can't achieve anything unless you expect it of yourself."

Man, i passed by that thing how many times waterwalking and just kept reading it over and over. When i first started doing the laps, i couldn't believe that i could do an entire half an hour of this drudgery. And i kept reading that statement, and i kept amazing myself how everytime i read that, it strengthened me more and more. And soon enough, my mind was occupied with the goings on in the pool, and everytime i looked up at the clock, another 5 mins had passed. 30 mins was so simple, at that point, i could have easily done an hour, but Cliff was waiting for me and i'd already exercised some earlier. Turned out i even walked more that evening.

So, back to the statement: "You can't achieve anything unless you expect it of yourself." It is so true. No wonder i've been having a tough time. I've probably been expecting THAT of myself. Failure can beget failure if you let it. It snowballs.

Confidence is such an issue often.

The Secret teaches that we attract into our lives what our thoughts are putting out. If we don't 'program' ourselves for success, we don't achieve success. I remember and forget these principles so often. It's good to be here to have the opportunity to be reminded of it. Each time i re-remember, i become empowered again. Someday i will have it mastered, i hope!

Food wise, i did great yesterday. I felt panicy after the cooking class, like i wanted to eat something 'good', raw cheese and raw bread, but i didn't, and went to bed. Why? I expected better of myself. I thought about the consequences and they didn't appeal to me. Reflux. Weight gain. The pain would cost more than the pleasure.

Today i work. Will i binge?

Not if i don't expect it of myself.

I've had SO MANY, COUNTLESS days at work feeling out of control with food.

And then i've had NUMEROUS days where i've been completely in control.

What was the difference?

ME. And what i expected of myself.

On the days i've had success, i begin to brim with confidence, i begin to realize, 'Heck, i can DO this."

On the days i go in there feeling fearful of failure, i attract what i'm paying attention to, and fail.

On the days i do well at work, i focus on not what i CAN'T eat, but i what i CAN eat.

If i would like today to be a saltfree low fat recovery day, i can eat smoothies galore, whips, nori wraps with no salt, chopped salads with raw steak, zucchini spaghetti with indian spiced tomato sauce and nutritional yeast. yum. all good. i enjoy it all. and what's more, when i wake up in the morning, i weigh less and look better and don't have reflux.

What we dream, we can achieve. What we believe, we can achieve. What we focus on and think about, we can achieve.

When we are in fear and visualizing the bad stuff, how we'll fail, what we want to binge on, we will...binge, fail.

When we focus on being proactive: mentally focusing in: "this is how i'm going to achieve my goal...." Make a plan. Expect to stick to it. Somehow we find the strength to achieve those goals. Because we've expected it of ourselves.

You know how you always performed better in school for the teachers who really believed in you???? Performance is strongly influenced by confidence, by high expectations.

I'm worth it to do well today. I lost 2 lbs just from yesterday, just by doing a little more exercise and a lot less salt and fat, and a lot less food overall and nothing dehydrated. I love it but it stays in your gut longer than fruit and veggies.

And my BEST SELF wants to be in the 250's again. Because i LOOK better and FEEL better and can INSPIRE others more. Damn, all of this hard work to be a quitter or a failure????? Or a chronic binge eater???? I expect more of me.

We all have a lower man and a higher man, religious concepts, but i think we can all relate. We all have that sin self, that ego, that person inside of us that wants to destroy us, and then we have that other side, that connected to spirit self. Maybe some people have overcome their destructive side sufficiently to not even struggle with it anymore. Unfortunately, i still get pulled in. But, with a snap of my fingers, i can pull myself out.

God made man to pull power from him, from the good side. And when we don't, we get into trouble. Our sin self becomes empowered. And we start to identify with it, like that's US. We're failures. We're binge eaters.

It's not true. We may have indulged in bad behaviors, but that's not who we are. We are spirits shelled in a body. And we NEED to be spiritually fed to prosper and succeed. I forget this. Remembering is so good. Feels empowering. Like i can do anything.

Afterall, what is being raw all about? Health and fitness. Not gluttony and weight gain. Do i really want to go to the RAW SPIRIT FEST and talk about my failures? Or about my successes? Won't talking about my successes bring about successes in others??? Isn't that what this is supposed to be all about???? Ultimately helping others.....by helping myself?

My sin-self or gluttonous self loves to overeat nutspreads and gorge on salty salty salty things. The self-gratification of binge eating makes me feel TEMPORARILY GOOD.....BUT ULTIMATELY, BAD. Sure, it may calm the nerves, and tantalize the taste buds, but at what cost?????

When i really get CLEAR about all of this, the choice seems logical. Focus on what i want. And do it.

I re-read my little column on the left side of my blog last night.

I have strayed from my initial goal. Which was to bring a little gourmet into a basically 80-10-10 diet.

In case you haven't noticed - it's a hard goal. It's been difficult. The last week, i was all gourmet. I barely ate any veggies. Lots of nuts. LOTS of salt. Lots of crackers. I should know better by now. But, it's a journey....

I was zonked last night and didn't get to practice my opera role. i did, however, vocalize with a CD i use occassionally. That was a good session.

So, I will do well today at work if i expect it of myself.

I thank you all for your support!

OH, I sold one copy of the "RAW INSPIRATION, LIVING DYNAMICALLY WITH RAW FOOD" books by Lisa Montgomery already. Won't you consider buying one? I've bought a bundle! I think you will love it! It's a very inspirational book!

I'll write down my food today and will report back later.

xoxo michelle joy