Pure Raw Joy!

HAPPY IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES IS THE GOAL

2012-01-23T03:07:00.000-08:00

"Cravings are going to occur to you. So here's the rule of thumb about eating, or about investing in the stock market, or about anything else: If the impulse comes from a joyous thought that feels good, follow it. If the impulse comes from an uncomfortable thought that felt bad, don't follow it."
--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Excerpted from the workshop in Portland, OR on Saturday, July 13th, 2002 # 327

Sunday, Jan 22, 2012. Compulsive eating feels like a thing of the past. It's been well over a week...maybe two weeks and I have been totally binge free, easily effortlessly vegetarian, eating meals sitting down savoring with Cliff, happily waiting for hunger, eating what i want and stopping when I've had enough, thrilled to be enjoying former binge foods as if they were never emotionally loaded - they've just lost their power over me. I just feel so blessed. I'm enjoying food more than ever, don't allow myself to feel bad about anything I've eaten, or overeaten, though overeating is more and more infrequent. I work at being totally guilt-free about food. This once completely out of control voracious binge eater now has self control, and confidence that binge eating is a thing of the past. I've lost some weight (my clothes are baggier! I feel lighter!). I've lost the obsession with food, don't experience obsessive food-thoughts or preoccupation with weight or with what i've eaten or should eat. Quite simply, I am experiencing a profound new unbelievable freedom around food (and living). THIS is what i'd been searching for.

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Yesterday, we went to Govindas for lunch. The desire to go to Govindas was a "joyful thought that felt good" like it says above. I was very hungry, we were in the neighborhood. That mock chicken cheese steak was so delicious. The eating experience was such a positive one. It was nothing like the last few times I have eaten there, where my compulsion for food overtook me, I was so needy, I sought comfort in Govindas amazing vegetarian faire, I ordered enough for 3 and scarfed it all shamefully, I left hating myself, berating myself, and continued to binge elsewhere.

It was SO different yesterday. So wonderfully different.

What I've been doing...

I read my daily email messages that i receive from http://www.abraham-hicks.com/ as if they were bible verses and i was a born again Christian. I meditate on them, I try to live what they teach, I try to understand them and apply them. I get so much from them! Thank you, my dear friend, Joy, for pointing me in this direction!

I now fully accept and know, deep down, that I will never overcome binge eating and obesity so long "as I soothe myself with food." Finally I "get it." I thank Esther Hicks for this teaching, and Joy for sending me the audio that really brought the message home. I included in the last blog. Let me know if you cannot download it. I'll send you a copy.

My new motto is: I soothe MYSELF! I no longer look to food to soothe me.

Case in point. Twice I went to the snacks cabinet at my moms house feeling needy and awful and just wanting to binge. I looked inside and saw all of the goodies I could eat! I took a survey: I wanted the whole bag of raisin muffins, 1 would never be enough, several packs of cheese crackers, oreos, potato chips, Lorna Doone cookies. My family would notice it all missing. Awareness overcome me. I was nervous about my singing practice. I turned away from the food knowing that soothing with food...is pointless. There is never enough food to do the job - I always want more and always walk away from the experience feeling sickeningly stuffed - but profoundly empty.

I now know that food is not love and food is not satisfaction or fullness or comfort or love or peace or relaxation or confidence or fun. I know now I can only get these things....from myself!

In those desperate moments when i want to eat, there's something troubling me and I've learned to create a lot of distraction around what bothers me by being caught up in the terrific negative insanity of guilt/judgement/fear around food and weight.

Today, i remedy what's ailing me by facing it. Today, I stop runnning.

Once i do, the desire to binge evaporates, and it's not even like i "do" something specifically comforting like a bath or do my nails or hug a teddy like therapists tell you.

I'm finding that in just walking away, I receive comfort in a very real and very deep way. It's the best self care I can give myself. I now know that food is not love. I forget about food, and just go do something else...

It's not uncommon for me to want to soothe with food when i'm nervous about singing. I look in the fridge, i realize i have to sing in two days... There I go again. I walk away, and the spell is lifted.

I now understand that DIETING is NOT the answer. From years and years and years of failed food plans, I know that the pendulum always swings back from a diet, meaning, I always end up wanting what the diet says i can't have and always end up going off. On and off, find a new diet, on and off, find a new diet. From experience, I know I can never stay ON a diet and always binge out of diets, so what is the point of going on one ever again?

Instead of weighing 500 lbs like i thought i would after giving up dieting, i weigh less than i did 2 weeks ago, without any effort. Incredible. The only effort is in changing my mindset.

I also no longer look to diets as the answer to feeling "better about myself." Losing weight can never make me feel better about myself, because my self esteem will always be caught up in my weight.

I finally realize that "feeling better about myself" WAS the work and that that had to come first. Since I figured that out, I feel SO MUCH better about me, not "because" of how i'm eating or how i'm exercising, or how much I weigh. I feel so much better about me, because i decided to.

I also trust that dropping the weight will follow all of this self acceptance, like they say it will, and now that i see it happening, i have such renewed confidence in this new way day after day.

If I can help other people suffering from binge eating, it would be such a blessing.

I used diets because they finally allowed me to "like" myself and "feel good" about myself. I was so out of touch with my true feelings about what was really disturbing me. All of that got funneled into feeling bad about ME. Then, I followed the rules, and I was a good girl on the diet! A return to binge eating awoke the ugly shameful ogre. I used binge eating to speak for me. But it never told the truth. "I'm so out of control with food! I need to be controlled!," I yelled. The truth is closer to: "I don't know who i am and how i feel about anything. I'm out of touch with myself. I learned to beat myself up instead of speak up."

On the diet and off, the pendulum swung back and forth - self worth - no self worth - self worth - no self worth.

With every failed plan, i learned to trust myself less and less. I'd turn to "what other people think" I should eat (diets). I never learned to ask myself. I was weakened by every diet, by every failure. Each one beat me down lower and lower and lower.

Having your self worth attatched to a diet or a weight is a very destructive thing.

Binge eating was all about grabbing up what i couldn't have on the diet. Figuratively, it was my assertion that "I wanted it all" and "I wanted to be the one to make MY choices, MY decisions! Fuck that diet and all of its rules and regulations. Who says I can't do what i want? I'll show you!"

Ironically, now that i allow myself to have WHATEVER I WANT foodwise, suddenly I want only vegetarian! I'm just gravitating to desiring those foods.

Watching "Forks Over Knives" has lit a fire to lean towards veganism. I have my eye on the goal.

I stopped eating meat effortlessly. I never told myself i would. It was my number one binge food.
I know i can have it now. I just don't WANT IT!

It will never again be about what he says or she says on this or that plan. It's about what "I" say. I'm in control now. I make the rules.

I know that as I stay on this journey, my body size will continue to shrink effortlessly. I'm loving myself into thinness.

I know that i am worthy of love no matter what. I repeat this to myself all day. I am worthy of loving myself when I'm eating raw. I am worthy of love when i'm eating a bowl of dog food, weighing 350, or 150, when i'm eating more than i think I should, or more than you think i should.

Knowing I'm worthy of love and happiness no matter what, even though i'm fat, or poor, or sloppy, or blind in one eye, or have stretch marks, is such a new place. I look in the mirror and blow kisses at myself instead of make ugly hateful faces at myself. I love my fat hips. I'm shapely! I have always loved people who love and accept themselves no matter what. Now I am one of them!

I monitor my emotional/mental state all day and make sure it is set to "happiness mode." I no longer focus attention on the contents of my lunch (judging myself good or bad by what i've eaten) or on my weight. What i eat or what i weigh no longer provides esteem/happiness/self-value. I get my value from finally loving myself, from loving myself because I decided to.

If i am not feeling happy and worthy, I notice and get that way quickly! Or expel if i need to cry, or shout, or share I'm feeling bad or nervous, etc... I talk to myself today. I give myself pep talks.

Food and exercise no longer holds the power to "make me feel better," either. They have both lost the power to deem me "good" or "bad." For instance, I'm happy now....with or without exercise. If i exercise, that just means i'm a little fitter, not happier.

"I" hold the key to my self esteem. "I" decide over and over all day that i am worthy.

As a welcome amazing consequence, suddenly, I eat well, I sing exceptionally well, i exercise! SELF LOVE....with no judgement, no pressure, no demands, just full and total acceptance, peace and happiness, no matter what....is so powerful. It has the capacity to heal. Love is healing me.

As long as I practice this way of being I will never binge again. I don't need to! I already eat what i want and like, I have no diet to break out of because i'm not on one, I already feel worthy and loved all day so i don't have to turn to food for love, I don't feel deprived like I want something I haven't got, I feel grateful for what i have, food -and otherwise. I have no reason to binge anymore so long as I maintain this way of being/thinking!

_ _ _ _ _

"Contrast helps you to identify desire. Desire is summoning. It's always flowing through you. You have the opportunity of opening to the harmony of the vibration of your desire or not. As the desires are being summoned through you, and you go with the flow, you thrive, but if you use things to be your excuse for not going with the flow, you are arguing for your limitations. We want to show you how to go with the flow. Which means nothing more than finding vibrational harmony with your own desire, and letting the Universal Energy that your desire is summoning to it flow to it through you. It is optimum creative experience
--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Excerpted from the workshop in Silver Spring, MD on Saturday, October 21st, 2000 # 325

Monday, Jan 23, 2012. To feel the joy of FREEDOM is so sweet....in contrast to the shame and self hatred I felt before and how that state of being reflected in my out of control binge eating, and then running to the temporary extasy of dieting as the cure...., back and forth, back and forth. Since I have felt real freedom, I don't want any of that ever again!

I trust that God will lead my diet. If more and more raw is the answer, it will reveal itself, effortlessly, like vegetarian did.

Plus, I have always said I wanted to find balance with my eating. I wanted it all. I wanted raw, i wanted cooked, i wanted rich and lean foods. I said it here over and over again. I wanted to enjoy food like Nigella and Lydia.

I'm living "my desire..." and I'm thriving!

Diets are immediate. The failure on them is also immediate. All of that quick weight loss can vanish with one binge and I'm back to self hatred.

This way will be permanent. I know it will take longer. I have the patience to wait today.

_ _ _ _

I finally realize the reason I have not been singing well for quite some time, too... It was because my attitude needing serious adjusting! My dissappointing performances had very little to do with the level of my talent, and everything to do with my very very low self worth and self esteem, and not knowing how to gather up my energies, gather up my knowledge and instinct, to allow the positive and creative energy to flow through me. I didn't know how to take what i had learned and turn it into success.

Until now!

I sang yesterday at the opera. I refused to allow it to be ANOTHER in a long line of performances where I leave feeling dissapointed in myself. I told myself, "I determine how well I will do!" "I am worthy to sing as well as I can because it makes me happy and why shouldn't i be happy, G-d dammit, I deserve it!"

I grew some balls!

I actually shocked myself how AMAZINGLY WELL I sang. It sounds cliche', but it is SO true. We have to BELIEVE we can achieve something before we can ever achieve it.

It's good to read this again because it's so true.

Our Greatest Fear
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.—

From Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992.

I finally believed i can sing well.

I finally believe I can overcome binge eating and obesity!

I finally believe, and THAT'S THE ANSWER!

Confidence is everything.

Yesterday, when i sang, and every day of these two or so weeks i've been binge free, I've "aligned my vibrational harmony with my desires..." and have become "liberated from my own fears," and from my pull to fail. Self - fulfilling profecy. Believe you are shit and you produce shit and lots of binge eating.

Can it really be THIS easy?

It is.

Binge eating is over.

I have found the answers I have been searching for and am blessed to be able to share it with you. The answer is not a diet. The answer is love. Better quality foods appeal to you when you are vibrating at a higher frequency. The answer is already in us. We just have to grab ahold of belief, faith, self love, and never let go.

Nothing needs to be fixed. Everything is unfolding perfectly. So when you stand in your now accepting that all is well, then from that vibration, you become surrounded by more and more evidence that all is well. But when you're convinced that things are broken, that there is pollution, or that things have gone wrong, or that the government is doing conspiracies... then what happens is you get caught up in that vibration, and you begin to manifest that kind of stuff, and then you say, "See, I told you that things were going wrong."
--- Abraham www.abraham-hicks.com
Excerpted from the workshop in North Los Angeles, CA on Tuesday, March 7th, 2000 # 328

Tuesday, Jan 24, 2012. My mom is in the hospital again since Friday night. Today I am on duty all day. I awoke tired, wish I could sleep another few hours, but my needy mom needs me. Yesterday she pulled out some kind of cord from her neck because it felt foreign and they weren't able to do the bronchoscopy procedure. Pnemonia, again, 2nd time in months, and she had a small heart attack. She's been on antibiotics more than not over the last two years. They kill your digestive enzymes and weaken your immune system. This time she came within minutes of dying. And they said her immune system is shot. No wonder I awoke this morning feeling "fat" and like i wanted to go on a diet and scared that last night's low calorie dinner harmed me in some way. Fear'll do it to me everytime.

I must accept that all is well and accept that everything is unfolding perfectly and learn to speak no longer in the language of eating disorder. I will focus on staying happy and allow the food choices to stem from that and reflect my happy state. Happy in all circumstances is the goal. Happy no matter what. I will place my trust and faith in God. All is unfolding perfectly according to His plan.

Please say HI and keep in touch.

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me...” (Psalm 23:4, NKJV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Have you ever gone through something and felt like it was the valley of the shadow of death? During the tough times, it’s easy to get discouraged. But I love what it says in today’s verse, “though I walk through...” No matter what you are facing today, know this: you are not alone, and you are just walking through. You don’t have to stop and live in the tough times! They are only temporary. I encourage you today; don’t allow fear to paralyze you in the middle of “the valley of the shadow of death.” Remember, God is with you. He is walking beside you. He is strengthening you. He is making a way of escape for you. He is lining up people and situations to bring you out of that tough place into a place of strength and victory.
Today, don’t give up! Press on and walk through! Start to get a vision of your life on the other side. See yourself more loving, more faithful, stronger and more blessed than ever before. As you keep moving forward and walking through, you will get to the other side and walk in the victory God has prepared for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your faithfulness in my life. Thank You for walking with me even in the hard times. I trust that You are taking me through my circumstances to a place of victory and strength in Jesus’ name. Amen.
— Joel & Victoria Osteen

xoxoxo, Michelle
LaSoprana@aol.com

"I FEEL BETTER, SO I AM ON MY WAY!"

2012-01-14T05:48:00.000-08:00

Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting

--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Excerpted from the workshop in Kansas City, MO on Saturday, July 22nd, 2000 # 318

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(Wow, is that profound or what?)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yesterday, I had a nice little visit with a friend.

When she asked how i am doing...

I answered, "GREAT!"

Because in truth, i am feeling very well.

I explained to her that i've decided to feel happy and worthy, no...matter...what!!

_ _ _ _ _ _ __ _

Since i listened to this Abraham Audio (that my fantastic amazing friend, Joy, sent to me) (Please click below and listen. It's about 10 mins long and it's AMAZING!), I am so SURE that feeling happy and worthy...is really the "goal." I'm positive that my work now has less to do with diet and more to do with loving myself and allowing myself to enjoy life, and my blessed days here on Earth....no matter what. And, no matter what I weigh.

AUDIO MESSAGE FROM "ABRAHAM"
(Esther Hicks) ON WEIGHT LOSS
http://mail.aol.com/35138-211/aol-6/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=26634060&folder=OldMail&partId=1&saveAs=Unknown_Artist_05_Track_5.wma

From the audio that Joy sent (listen above), I transcribed impactful points (in blue, see below), that really hit home. (Let me tell you, this is one POWERFUL audio!)

Just as a kind of an overview, Abraham (Esther Hicks from "The Secret") says that we will only succeed with losing weight - if - we accept where we are right now and learn to allow ourselves to enjoy each day - just as we are.

We have to learn accept ourselves...and how to...self comfort.

She said so much, but one thing that really hit home was that the "diet" is a way of self comforting. A faulty one, but it's one way we 'try' to achieve comfort.

We have to learn to self comfort without running to "the diet" as if "the diet" was the answer/the source of comfort. The diet is not the source of comfort. Nor is the result - thinness. Or the lack of a result - when we're back to binge eating. None of it works to comfort.

We can't care what other people think of us, either. That made a huge impact on me, because my entire life, i'm hiding from everyone when i gain weight, feeling i need to explain to people shamefully why i've gained weight (like it's any of their business).

Not only that, i use the language of the eating disorder to talk about life. "How are you?," someone asks. I answer, "I gained weight." Food and weight as a screen - and you never get down to the nitty gritty of what's bothering you. Maybe i'm anxious about an upcoming performance, maybe i'm scared shitless i'm going to lose my mom as she lay in the hospital (she's doing great now).

Terribly self conscious of being judged a failure in others eyes for gaining weight, causing myself such unending suffering, I ask now the unthinkable, "Am i worthy....fat?"

I never thought so.

My mother first put me on a diet at the age of 8.

I'm moving on, baby. I'm changing my mind today - "I am worthy just as i am! "

Abraham said in the audio that we have to stop trying so hard. We have to surrender and just allow ourselves to be "fat and happy." Paradoxically, she explains, the happier we are fat, the thinner and thinner we'll get! She says, "Soon fat and happy will turn to just happy." We won't need the fat part anymore. The trick she says is learning to love and accept yourself irregardless of your weight.

I really believe that this is so IT.

With every diet (the thing i do so i can be "happy" and "worthy" in my and other people's eyes), there is always the inevitable backlash when i fail at the diet (returning me to a state of misery and unworthiness). Nowhere in that equation do i ever get to just be happy. Or to enjoy food, enjoy life, enjoy me, Cliff, everything! No, I'm always yearning for unatainable happiness. It's always illusive and connected to "when i get thin...." or "when i eat that hamburger," when i'm bingeing. The two parallel states of dieting and binge eating are things we DO to GET something....that we can never get.

- - - -

I get to be happy now, no matter what I weigh. HALLELUJAH!

_ _ _ _

In my food history of dieting and binge eating, I'm either in constant denial or in constant overindulgence.

When i finally accept myself as i am and just enjoy myself - enjoy my day, enjoy me, enjoy food - really ALLOW enjoyment - suddenly, i end up doing the unthinkable - controlling and balancing my food, naturally.

This is how it works: If i'm going to enjoy myself no matter what i weigh, then I inherently want to FEEL GOOD - and that desire to feel good is what drives me to make better food choices - just NATURALLY without struggle - out of love for myself because i know it's good for me. Who woulda thunk it????

Conversely, when i am perfectionistic and judgemental and miserable and remorseful and depressed because "i'm so fat," "i'm so out of control with eating," i can't stop eating, i can't see what issues are bothering me, i'm lost in the fog, i keep getting fatter, i seek diets desperately as the answer to just STOP the insanity. But the diets turn out to be really wolves in sheeps clothing, because they actually make me FATTER (eventually, after i binge out) because the DIET and the resulting WEIGHT LOSS and the ULTRA CONTROLLED EATING were never the source of happiness and self worth in the first place! And dieting was never the source of 'true' lasting thinness either. It never solved my inability to not comfort without food.

That's really the crux of the problem. So, maybe i had the kind of mom that shoved a cookie in my mouth when i cried. Maybe my own mom was uncomfortable with emotions, and just letting me "be" a whole functioning person was threatening to her. She was broken, so she created a broken child, who learned to stuff strong emotions down....with food.

Of course, the sexual abuse must play a huge role in feeling unworthy and in disconnecting from the body, from feelings, from happiness.

Today, I choose happiness and self worth, regardless of what i weight, and when i'm happy, food suddenly is put back in it's place - it's just food, and not love. Love comes from ME, from GOD, from others if I allow it. No matter what i weigh. No matter what i ate or did or how i look. Can I allow love?

- - -

The last few days at Arnold's Way went well. No horrible out of control raw binges like i've so often had. That feels nice! And i've been doing SO SO well at home with food. Making good choices because i feel good about me, not making good choices "so that" i can feel good about me. It's a big difference.

Treats are former binge foods. Well, former binge foods was really "everything!!" Today, meals or formerly forbidden foods don't lead to secret binges like they used to since I understand the goal is to love myself no matter what i eat or weigh. I eat today in moderation almost naturally, organically, because that way, i get to enjoy food and still feel good.

It's the secret to self control.

SELF LOVE.

Today, I ALLOW pleasure without pleasure being all about pain. Pleasure as pleasure is so luscious. I had a very small slice of pie and a glass of wine with lunch. It was soooo Nigella!

- - -

The other night, i had a blip, but still it showed improvement. I acknowledge my successes today, even if they look like failures.

I came home from work and ate a vegetarian meal, but i wasn't hungry, and it was late. I was aware of it, two no-no's, too late, not hungry. Still i did it. It tasted good! And I became aware afterwards that i felt very remorseful and guilty. The binge reflex reflexed, and i wanted to binge.

This is so interesting just SEEING the urge. i just kept noticing.

[Awareness: Binge eating is an attempt to comfort myself from the realization of the horrible diet infraction i just made.]

[Awareness: The strict diet the next morning is an attempt to comfort myself to get over the binge the night before.]

The panic, the struggle, the misery, that all has to dissappear, says Abraham.

So, I considered how i'd feel the next day if i'd binge. Would i feel happy, comforted? No, i'd be bloated, refluxy, dissappointed even moreso. I asked myself, "Can't I learn to comfort myself without binge eating?"

I decided to go to bed and be warm and snuggly with Cliff and enjoy a movie. Hey, I GET it, I deserve to enjoy life....even if i overeat! I don't have to punish (comfort) myself with food when i make a mistake. I allowed LOVE instead. Bravo, Michelley!

[Awareness: Binge eating is sado-masochistic - Pain and Pleasure all in one. The pleasure of food with the pain of self destruction. I don't want that anymore. Food is too good to fuck up like that. It's so much nicer to enjoy it in moderation!!!]

[Awareness: "Healthy" food now includes "treats" and comes in alot of forms today, it's a very large long spectrum of grey, and gives me pleasure while eating. Afterwards, I pay attention. Do i still feel good? That will inform my choices for tomorrow! Remaining always in a state of watchfulness, I monitor how foods taste, make me feel, how things in life make me feel. I stay aware, alert! That will put the death to binge eating!]

I think ultimately THIS work i'm doing now....is the way i am going to beat binge eating and obesity, not from a diet. This way is intuitive and organic. I'm not doing something because "somebody said" raw food makes you feel better. Does it? I'll figure that out for myself then! I already know that smoothies for breakfast make me feel great and raw food at work that doesn't center on nuts leaves me feeling energetic! I'll keep discovering!

Abraham agrees and says we already KNOW that eating healthy makes us healthy. That's a given. I have to let the whole idea go - that i can only allow myself to be happy and love myself and allow good things in my life....if i eat right.

I really "get" this. Boy, do i get this. Historically, when i diet, i love myself, i'm proud, i'm in control. When i go off and binge and gain weight, i am unworthy of life, of love, of fun, of adventure, i hate myself, i hide, i resist life, i'm out of control, and life becomes solely about seeking pleasure through my mouth at the expense of my hips - painful huge expensive binges that eat up my days, my life, my years, my opportunities, etc.... I can be stuck in this hell hole for months. When i diet, again, i love myself again. Born again!

It wouldn't be uncommon to hear from me on a diet, "When i get thin, i'm going to find more romance, be a professional singer, travel the country, be a millionaire!"

Soon, i make a diet infraction, and i'm back to unworthiness, to the hell of binge eating and a small life in a darkened room in front of the TV, miserably feeding myself compulsively, shoving the food in, crying, receiving pizza deliveries and adding mounds of fast food wrappers to the back of my car. Life becomes very small, very shameful, very painful.

That is no way to live. So, life is either nothing, wasted, hiding, or a dream of what could be...when i get thin.

I have known for a long long time that there is some way of being and living that lies - in between - those two extremes. All of this time, on and off of raw, I have been desiring to get "there."

Like, I watch the cooking shows, and Nigella Lawson and Lydia Bastianich are fat and happy, I adore them, I want to be them, perfectly sensually womanly PLUMP, not even fat, and sexy and beautiful, but they LOVE food and enjoy it in moderation. And more than that, they love LIFE, adventure, family, travel, teaching, themselves! I so want THAT! They take a bite of something sinful, and it doesn't run their life. They have a portion and leave the table happy, "Ah, that was splendid!" No running to barf in the toilet out of self hate and disgust and fear.

Abraham says dieting to love myself will never work until i learn to soothe myself without food and learn to love myself DESPITE WHAT I WEIGH. OKAY. GOT IT!

I also have to allow myself SUCCESS despite what i weigh. Abe says today that we deem ourselves worthy or unworthy depending on what we 'feel' we deserve.

Can i deserve to be a fabulous singer and be fat?

Can i deserve to look nice in clothes even if i'm fat?

Can i deserve to swim and enjoy water even if i'm fat?

Can i consider myself beautiful and attractive and sexy even if i'm fat?

Can i deserve to be eligible for jobs even though i'm fat?

Can i deserve to do raw cooking classes, or books, or videos, or sing and make raw dinner at arnolds way...even though i'm fat?

Well, i'm gonna try!!!

What have you decided you deserve...no matter what? WRITE ME!

If you are like me, you'll understand. I have been putting my life on hold until i get thin. The problem is: thin has always been fleeting. I'm grabbing after the unreachable "thin and happy."

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Thin and happy is HERE TODAY (only I look fat on the outside). So what! I can choose to be thin and happy on the inside ALREADY.

Thin and happy is a place of finally accepting myself. If i accept and love myself today, I'm already THERE to the initial 'comfort' I was searching for. My body just has to catch up!

- - - -

I did good the other night - I felt an intense sudden anxiety because i had to sing the next morning. I noticed it and decided NOT to binge because i wanted to learn to self soothe instead.

More and more of these types of decisions, and i'll be through with binge eating, and then someday, i will not be morbidly obese anymore.

PS: Another awareness in other words: You know how there is never enough food in the world to fill up that hole when we are bingeing? Well, it's because food is NOT comfort. No amount of "not comfort" will fill a hole begging for comfort. We have to learn to comfort ourselves.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I wrote down important point from the teaching!

-The fastest way for you to get there in terms of real manifestation is to stop the struggle against the weight you don't want, and try to begin to make peace with the weight you've got.

- It is the dissatisfaction with where i am that is the greatest hindrance in moving towards what you want.

-When you are dissatisfied, your problem solving nature makes you want to take the bull by the horns. Is doesn't work.

-On the new journey of self love/self soothing, a part of us is activated often that feels that we are in a wrong place - we are not. "Sooth that."

-You've got to love yourself as you are before you can come into the image of your best self.
Let go of the struggle

- We must learn to separate our actions...from our emotional journey.

- Our weight is not going to change this red hot minute. You have a choice - you can feel fearful or you can feel hopeful. The difference is one moves in the direction of what you ultimately want.

- The work is not the diet. We know from multiple failed efforts that food and exercise can affect you, yes, but until you get to the vibrational heart of what needs to be comforted, you haven't found the lasting soltuion.

- Make peace with who you are in terms of your body. Say, "Here is where I am, and it's not my ideal, but it is where i am, and it's okay. I'm alright where i am."

- De-emphasize the struggle in the journey.

- Pretend you are going on a roadtrip with others for 15 days. One of the people in the car is miserable to be with, they just broke up with someone and they are angry and complaining and miserable the entire 15 days. Another traveling companion is in love with life and filled with joy. Which person would YOU rather travel with? You would say to the miserable person, "Let it go at least for these 15 days while we are on vacation!" This is a lesson for us - "Let it be what it is." Say to ourselves, "I'm going to be a pleasant traveling companion to myself!" Make peace with where you are.

- A lesson in the wrong motivation vs. right motivation: Do not say, "I will do this right now because it will take me to the body weight i want." Say: "I will do this because i can feel good right now regardless of my body weight...if i'm determined to do it."

- We would have been alright if we had been making decisions based upon how they make us feel all along. (this is huge). (This is also the crux of ALOT of problems.) (How do I feel about this or that? Who am I? What do I believe? How do I feel about certain foods no matter what anyone else says? How do they make ME feel?)

- We've been trying to evaluate ourselves through the eyes of others. The goal now is to feel peaceful, okay, surrendered, happy, irregardless of weight.

- You must soothe yourself into emotional comfort NOW before your desire to be thinner can become manifest.

- The diet is usually "the comfort." Instead, we need to learn to comfort ourselves before our body weight will ever change.

- We are so hard on ourselves when we are someplace different that where we want to be.

- We must stop calling ourselves fat. In doing so, we are holding ourselves apart from what we want.

- It's not easy to let go of this obsession with weight and to stop being so hard on ourselves and stop comparing ourselves with others, but THAT is the work. We need to compare ourselves with our hearts desire and stop comparing ourselves with others.

- The question arises, "If i make peace with where i am, won't i just get fatter and fatter?" In giving way to fat and happy, in time, happy dominates and then you become that which you are wanting on all scores.

- This is the issue that confounds you the most, so start with easier things first...soon in time you will reach success with your worst struggle.

- The weight struggle is like a train going 150 mph and we're asking it to STOP. It cannot. Momentum carries it forward for a while. Do your part - to just make peace and slow yourself down and give yourself relief with affirmations, self love, self comfort, etc...

- The new way to evaluate yourself is not "I am thinner, so i am better." It is: "I feel BETTER, so i am on my way"

xoxo michelle joy

"55% FEELING BETTER THAN NOT FEELING SO GOOD...." That's all it takes!

2012-01-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

The things that we should be asking ourselves is, "What proportion of my day am I in vibrational harmony with my desires, which means, how much of my day am I happy, glad, eager, fulfilled, satisfied, complimentary? And what percentage of my day am I ornery, irritated, frustrated, or blaming?"

And you don't have to do 100%, you don't have to do 90%, you don't have to do 80%. If you could even get around 55% feeling better, than not feeling so good — you'd have significant movement in what begins to happen in your experience.
--- Abraham www.abraham-hicks.com

Today i woke up feeling so happy!

Last night, I was watching an episode of The Stranger Series called "The Prodigal Son." It was so sad, so inspiring. It really hit home, and after the show was over, with tears in my eyes, I asked God in prayer, "Do you really see me? What special thing was i born for?"

The Stranger series is a christian ministry series shown over christian television created by actor/director Jefferson Moore. He plays Jesus in modern day life and each episode depicts a historical biblical story translated into modern day. I've come across two of these episodes so far just flipping channels, and they are incredibly poignant and moving, so much so that i've been absolutely transfixed. I so desire to be closer to God, but so struggle with faith, doubt, etc...

These amazing modern day depictions really get down to the nitty gritty of what Jesus teaches in language I can understand, and the stories demonstrate so well the ridiculous things we do and say, how we behave, how we reject God's love and forgiveness on a daily basis. Jefferson Moore's Jesus teaches that we could never buy God's love with good deeds, and that He is always ready to forgive us and welcome us back with open arms.

The Stranger Series - "The Prodigal Son" - Part I http://youtu.be/LatjSRNIKWw

The Stranger Series - "The Prodigal Son" - Part II http://youtu.be/n8KfXpC6xN4

After the show was over, I turned the tv volume down and just sat there contemplating the message. My prayer to God for my purpose soon led way to a sudden desire to sing! When it comes over me like that, it is the most wonderful feeling - a feeling of a deep NEED to communicate and release. Soon I release all of this amazing beauty inside of me.

And then I say to myself, "Michelle, you really ARE good enough." My terrible chronic insecurity vanishes, my confidence renews. To BE good and not believe it is a curse I wish on no one.

Talent without hard work is a crime.

It's February soon, and I've been thinking about doing another Valentines Dinner at Arnold's Way, where I sing opera and love songs.

With that on my mind, I began to sing songs that would work for that night - Delilah's love serenade, My Funny Valentine, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes....

Wow, I amazed myself...I was singing so well!

It was as if my lessons with Badiene and my own endless trial/error and searching about how to sing optimally suddenly all came together in one moment. I knew what to do. It was so easy!

Or, maybe, was it that prayer to GOD???

All i know is, i was the best ME i could be right then and it was startling. Gone were the questions about how to breath or how to place my high palate or my tongue.

I'd quite simply discovered the secret to singing for myself, the connection to God and the way I need to use my body, and it was like God was showing me my purpose, what i could be, what I should be - the professional opera singer. Every professional I sing for knows it. It's just ME that constantly doubts myself. "I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough."

"I can sing, "Norma!"!" (an opera that not many CAN sing.)

Badiene IS right, afterall. I AM that good. I COULD BE THAT GOOD.

Suddenly whatever I had just overeaten...just kind of lost it's twisted importance to my eating disorder distorted mind.

In a state of bliss, at one with me, at one with God, I went to bed happy and content and feeling my value.

I was born again!

When a nightengale sings as she knows she can, and stops acting like a crow, suddenly, she knows who she is and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I'd asked God what i was made for and He let me know. The rare beaty of that transaction filled me with a knowing deep within. "This is going to be the best year of my life...if I let it."

That morning, I'd received the Abraham message (above) that said if we could just feel 55% better, 55% happy, at peace, enjoying what we're doing....instead of feeling miserable and horrible, that's all we need. Just to feel a little better than we feel badly.

Wow, that really woke me up.

It doesn't take us feeling blissful 100% of the time, just a little more that we feel bad!

I SO must be an insane perfectionistic because i don't allow myself most of the time to even contemplate feeling good or happy or to enjoy myself. I'm usually in a remorseful sour mood because I've overeaten something or feel fat or gained weight, so I'm always punishing myself, always. I can never get off of the merry-go-round of feeling bad.

Some people enjoy life and live life to the fullest. Some people destroy their lives and wallow in self pity.

With my ever increasing waistline, I'm destroying myself, all the time trying to figure out HOW to enjoy my life! I fail so often. And keep gaining weight.

Yet, with each pound I gain, it seems I gain the awareness I'll need to pull me OUT of this.

If i can only enjoy 5% more than i fail, i can start to see progress!

I don't have to be perfect, just a little better than horrible.

Suddenly, this morning, today, with all of this on my mind and in my heart from yesterday, I awoke with the sunniest disposition! It felt like it was the day for a new change. Instead of "going on a diet," how superficial, no wonder it never works, I decided, simply, to enjoy myself, enjoy my time, enjoy my day and let the food take care of itself, try to eat when i'm hungry and not when i'm not.

Enjoying my time this morning has created a morning where i did dishes, cleaned the microwave and counters, made filling for a pie, sang amazingly again and practiced, made work related calls that i'm doing for my teacher, answered emails, etc... In other words, very PRODUCTIVE. Happily productive. Not binge eating, not overeating, not even eating at all because I was too busy enjoying myself! And when i ate, I wanted healthy stuff! I guess it was because i was in vibrational alignment with the best me :-))

This is how normal happy people live. They enjoy life. They use their time well and enjoy themselves! I promise, when i work myself out of this eating disorder/obesity and have a happy productive life, i am going to share this secret with the world, in a book, with anyone i can! I know i am not the only person in the world living in the misery of binge eating and obesity...

Binge eating makes my life small. It's a small life of food, tv, food, tv. There is this nice show on tv hosted by Ali Vincent, the first winner of The Biggest Loser, called "Ali's Big Life". When we take the focus off of food, suddenly the world is BIG and full of possibilties, challenges, exciting adventures. Why would we ever want to have a small life? Big waistline, small life - reduced opportunities. Small waistline - big life - opera, travel, auditions, success!

I guess we don't think we deserve any better.

But we do! We SO desserve better! We are beautiful children of God with miraculous talents that he created for us to use for a special purpose! We SO deserve better! The body is a temple of God. When we finally get in alignment with loving Him, we love ourselves, we love our bodies....

The Abraham message really really made an impact on me - just to do what makes me feel happy. I remembered when i turned on the tv this morning. I realized soon not finding anything interesting, i was bored. "Do something unboring," I said! And i did.

Later, I had the impulse to binge. Instead I did something I enjoy - I COOKED up some lentils and some quinoa.

I'll EAT it......LATER.

I replaced the FUN of eating with the FUN of COOKING. It's creative and a lot less calories! It's the eating that can turn ugly when it stops becoming enjoyable, when I am out of "vibrational harmony" with myself and it turns into miserable compulsion.

It often seems that extra food makes me happy.

"How much of my day am I happy, glad, eager, fulfilled, satisfied, complimentary? And what percentage of my day am I ornery, irritated, frustrated, or blaming?"

xoxoxo Michelle Joy
LaSoprana@aol.com

FINDING BALANCE & GOING WITH THE FLOW!

2011-12-26T10:39:00.000-08:00

Today is day 6 of my new "Transition To Greatness" plan. I am feeling and doing great!

I'm doing the juices Dorothy makes for me (The Angels Juicing Club at Arnold's Way) all throughout the day.

For breakfast or when I get hungier and juicing doesn't quite 'do it', I have a smoothie, or a green smoothie, or whips on occasion. Then, for lunch, later, i've been settling into no fat/no salt vegan stuff like lentils and brown rice and steamed veggies at home. Or at work, I'll have a lowfat low salt raw lunch like raw bread with raw burger and sliced tomato on top, or a big salad with raw burger on top with 1/4 of an avo (blended with water, lemon, garlic, ginger, and nutritional yeast) for dressing.

For dinner, I have been "going with the flow" which has worked out to be quite amazing!

I'll talk more about it below.

So, for the holidays and for dinners really the whole week, I have been having very small servings of regular food with a total happy fearless attitude.

They say attitude is everything. And it's true. It is.

I feel like a normal person and it's pretty amazing!

Yes, it's radically different than the approach I thought I needed to stop binge eating and lose weight, but i'm so freaking happy to be here!

I've been following my "greatness" plan throughout the day, and since I gave myself the freedom and choice to go off of it (and get right back on), i've been doing that!

You know what? It's not scary, threatening, or hard, and I'm finding it is working wonderfully!

I got on the scale this morning and I am exuberantly under 350 lbs again! I woke up Cliff to tell him! I must have lost at least 10-15 lbs, maybe even 20, with effortless effort. Man, i'm so HAPPY!

- Fat and salt free raw and cooked VEGAN MOST of the day following my plan (best for me and my prone-to-swelling legs and for my reflux)....

- Small amounts of regular food (a delight for my binge eating disorder and my obesity...because I get to enjoy food in a very controlled/organized manner with NO DEPRIVATION...and no DIETING!).

I'm tres excited. Can I really make this work? Can I overcome my binge eating...and lose weight...and have good health?

When i started the juicing, I thought i would just juice, actually, i wanted to juice for 10 months and lose all of my weight. I couldn't make it a whole day! So, I remained flexible and it morphed into a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE! Now i'm so happy to be finding a balance which has for so long felt unachievable. Maybe flooding myself with the juicing nutrients and the new mental attitude is doing something where i am able to have cooked and it not veer out of control (yet).

I'll see how it goes. If this works, i'll keep this regiment up, for good!

Obviously, i won't be getting the benefits of a fully raw or even vegan diet.

But if I choose to, perhaps my dinners will morph into veganland? Or even morph into gourmet raw? It's the most wonderful freedom....to have the freedom to do as I choose!

If i stop binge eating (so far 6 days binge free) and lose weight, all of the endless searching will have been all be worth it.

= = = = = = =

I did some writing about Christmas Day.

On Christmas day, I'd had 6 of my juices that i picked up from Dorothy, and then I ate a late lunch back home, very hungry!, a smoothie and ff and salt free vegan stuff (sweet potato, steamed vegetables, brown rice).

Lemme tell ya, when you are hungry, anything tastes good, even if it has no butter or salt on it!

Christmas dinner at our friends house was a miraculous experience.

I choose to go "with the flow" and eat from what was being served (instead of stick to my greatness plan,) and it turns out, not sticking to my plan is a part of the plan, so I NEVER feel GUILTY!!!

Over these last 5 days, i go off for dinner, I get back on breakfast and lunch, I go off for dinner, i get back on breakfast and lunch. I've fallen into a workable pattern. This is quite unlike anything i've ever done. It's not a diet with rigidity and failure. NO. The greatness plan is an ideal plan of eating I set up for myself, but i gave myself an out. Because life is not ideal, and today, I want to be free enough to just enjoy this crazy un-ideal life!!!!! Turkey and mashed potatoes and coconut cream pie may not be ideal....but they sure are GOOD!! Today I allow myself because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired with binge eating. I eat this all when I binge and since I am through with binge eating, I am blissfully going to ENJOY BINGEFOOD now!

What was amazing was, I felt like a normal person with no compulsion for food! I was not hungry nor tempted for horsdeuvres (cheese and crackers), but i had some fruit that was set out. I ate a good lunch on purpose, so i wouldn't be starved, but there was more to it than that.

Not being tempted by horsdeuvres felt like a new experience, especially since i'm eating cooked, which I used to think was addictive. (I have come to the conclusion based on my experience, that cooked food is NOT addictive. It is HOW I approach it, with what energy and emotion i bring to it.) I am sure, also, that being satiated from juices, smoothies, and healthy vegan foods is also tampering my naturally obsessed-with-food state. As is my new attitude.

For dinner, surrounded by Cliff and dear friends and so much delicious traditional holiday food, I happily anticipated being one of the group and enjoying what was lovingly prepared, wow!

So different from all of the other holiday dinners where I was either pigging out and hating myself and then i'd binge later.....or when i would bring salad and fruit and nutspread and nutpies, stuffing myself on that, overeating, feeling deprived, and eating this way because i was "unable to control myself" on regular food.

Tonight was totally different!

My head was ABSOLUTELY FREE of eating disorder talk ("i want that but i can't have that," "if i eat that, i'll eat the whole thing," "i hate myself," "butter is evil," "i'm going to get cancer if i eat that," "i'm a fat pig," "i want to eat that whole bowl of mashed potatoes," "i can't wait to eat that turkey when no one is looking," "i'll binge when i get home," etc...).

I felt like a normal person just enjoying food. What an experience! The experience of my lifetime! What i've been WAITING for!!!! My eating disorder: the negative, fearful, critical, PERFECTIONISTIC voice that was living in me for 40+ years has gone bye bye.

Just to enjoy food....to simply enjoy food....like Nigella Lawson does...like Lidia Bastianich does... I watch these cooking shows and watch them take bites of this forbidden fattening addictive cancer causing delicious amazing food, and i say, "How do they DO that and not weigh 800 lbs? I WANT THAT!"

When the food came around, i took a small spoon of anything that appealed to me and a good serving of salad and ate slowly and paying attention and monitored my thoughts/feelings/attitude for anything fearful/negative/remorseful/regretful. I would allow NONE of that. I just kept focusing on just being HAPPY, purposefully, imposing HAPPINESS on myself, returning to HAPPINESS if it momentarily departed, and eating/doing what i ENJOYED. Did i enjoy talking to this person? Continue. Did i enjoy eating this? Continue. Happiness and Enjoyment were all that mattered.

Wow. This is IT. This is bliss.

After i finished my plate, i waited for a few mins and just checked in. I was a little nervous because i still felt hungry and I didn't know if the insatiable hole in me that wanted to swallow up everything on the table was alive or not. After a few minutes, i had some more salad and another bite or two of whatever regular food appealed to me right then...

And then it happened... It was as if the heavens parted...

...I felt the magical signal that said i'd had enough wash over me! I'd had enough! They talk about satiety and eating until your body signals you you've had enough, but in binge mode, there is NEVER enough. To have experienced "enough" (which was not even very much) eating former binge foods...was quite miraculous.

What a revelation. This is why and how normal people stop eating when they've had enough, and lose their interest in food!

Normal people don't obsess on food, don't obsess or think about what they've just eaten, ruminating and ruminating, feeling guiltier and guilter. They just enjoy! Until they've had ENOUGH!

THE NEW SKILL TO FORGET ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE EATEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU'VE EATEN IT....IS HUGE! KAREN TAUGHT ME THIS. IT'S SOMETHING ECKHART TOLLE TAUGHT HER. IT'S CALLED RELEASING ATTACHMENT TO THINGS, IDEAS, DESIRES. WE JUST RELEASE. "EAT. ENJOY. FORGET."

I willed myself to enjoy the conversation and get out of my head. I wiped all memory and thoughts of what i'd eaten out of my mind.

I obsess on food no longer.

Conversation was delightful, and by the time dessert came, wow, was I happy, because I was hungry for a little! A few bites was enough of Theresa's amazing homemade coffee cake with a cup of tea, just how i like it (on occassion) with milk and sugar, what a treat. The coconut cream pie was not that coconutty and so it wasn't hard to stop eating it after one bite.

Today i eat what i enjoy and what gives me pleasure, and don't waste my calories on hating myself with what i don't enjoy. There is no more hatred, no more regret, no more guilt. So those mental states don't attract me to food I don't like or enjoy so I can beat myself up with it. THANK YOU GOD.

I enjoyed socializing and gifts afterwards and left HAPPY - no obsessing or binge eating on leftovers afterwards. I guess I don't need to get my HAPPY from food anymore. I get HAPPY from ME. Food is for HUNGRY.

Food binges START from thinking and obsessing on food. Since that is not tolerated (only HAPPY is), I never get to the point of being compelled to binge. There is a lot of THOUGHT about food FIRST before you binge.

Binge eating is a mental disorder brought about by strong emotions. Strong emotions are meant to be felt. We are meant to let them flow through us. We are not meant to eat in a state of upset. We have learned to think about food or eat food instead of feel our feelings.

_ _ _ _ _ _

Here's some other writing I did.

I'm looking better in the face, not radically, but enough that i would notice. With radical raw, all bananas or something, or with just juicing, change in weight would be much more radical. But i'm OKAY with moderate. MODERATE I can keep up for the rest of my LIFE!!!! I remind myself often that with Dr. Graham, I lost 40 lbs in one month eating only bananas, but I gained them back in a week. I am through with crash dieting.

This feels like the most incredible freedom and discipline all in one. Balance, finally. And it feels great.

xoxo michelle joy

HAPPINESS...IS GREAT!

2011-12-22T18:07:00.000-08:00

You cannot judge the value of a life by its quantity. It is by the joy that you are feeling. The more joyful you are, the longer you live. Let yourself relax and breathe and be free and be joyous, and romp. The optimum physical life experience is to have plenty of things that stimulate you to desire, and an awareness of the way you feel, so you're reaching for thoughts that feel good—so you're wide open, so you're tuned in, tapped in, and turned on. We promise you, the timing of your death is always chosen by you.
--- http://www.abraham-hicks.com/

Hiya! Feeling pretty jazzed! Today is my 3rd day on the ANGELS JUICING CLUB PROGRAM at Arnold's Way. (For more info, email Dorothy at: newfreedomhealingarts@gmail.com.)

I'm drinking 12 (8oz) ORGANICE JUICES, 1 every hour on the hour...for 7 days straight!!

I'm supplementing my juices with the foods on my revised TRANSITION TO GREATNESS PLAN. It's working out really WELL!

I'll tell you what has had the biggest impact on me - and it has nothing to do with food. It's allowing myself to forgive myself for "failures." Instead of beating myself up relentlessly like i usually do (and then i go binge), i'm focusing on the positive, and little bumps in the road become just that, i get over them and move on. Like last night, i took a few bites of something I made for Cliff. It was almost like a test to see if i could do it without binge eating and without feeling bad/guilty. I succeeded! When you look at the whole day, it was awesome: 12 raw organice juices, steamed veggies, beans, fresh fruit, green smoothies, a salad, and 3 tastes of "normal" food. In the whole scheme of things, it was "nothing." I'm learning that now!

And today at work, i had to make some special raw vegan food for Christmas-to go-dinners. Since i don't use recipes, i have to taste what i make. That meant i had to taste some fatty, very salty things that weren't on my GREATNESS list. The instinct to beat myself up appeared, the instinct to BINGE appeared. I noticed it, and immediately applied my new rule: TO BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT I EAT AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR DO NOT DO. The feeling to binge or feel bad....vanished! I went on with the rest of my day like nothing 'bad' had ever happened. This is SO NEW! I used to obsess on any small infraction!!

THIS INTENTION - to be HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT is exceedingly powerful.

The little kernel/seed that became binge eating has very much to do with PERFECTION. I think i was criticized very heavily as a child. Things have been flooding my memory bank the past days about how it felt to be judged so harshly as a child. I used to make dinner for the family, and my father, who would come home from a hard day at work aggrivated, was never happy with what i'd cooked. His favorite expression for how it tasted was, "Pfft, fair." I have vivid memories of those dinners and feeling like a bug that someone just squashed down with their thumb. In fact, before dinner, after i got home from school, i'd binge and fall asleep to cope with what heartbreak at dinner time. I never learned to be proud of myself for what i DID, regardless if i did it well, or not. Instead, I learned to focus on FAILURE. I felt like a failure. I learned to feel BAD about about ME for ANYTHING I did that was less than PERFECT.

Now, allowing myself to accept my imperfections....is so FREEING!

Also, rather than seeing "raw food" as the cure to what ails me, as the cure to binge eating, (i think it's a part of it, i don't think it is the answer) it is now in it's proper place. First comes my ATTITUDE/FOCUS/INTENTIONS, then comes my food choices. Oh, my god, this is so IT. Just to be HAPPY no matter WHAT. The happiness is what makes you want to make good choices because you love yourself.

When we beat ourselves up for a little blip, we only want to do WORSE. It's like we're trying to force ourselves to forgive ourselves. "Like, what will it take...how bad do i have to get to get you to notice i need love?" When things get bad enough, and we're completely out of control, we usually break down and forgive ourselves and renew our intention to do better. But why do we have to wait? Why do we have derail into self destruction to notice we need love and forgiveness....RIGHT now?

Things don't have to get any worse than they already are....if we learn to notice our 'mistakes' without judgement and immediately recognize that we no longer REACT to them by feeling bad about ourselves and we don't need to beat ourselves up and we don't need to binge to cope with it.

We learn to roll with the punches.

Attitude really IS everything.

Plus, unsalted potatoes and brown rice and cooked veggies without oil and salt don't taste that great. It's easy to just have enough to satisfy hunger. Over the past two days, it's like food has taken it's rightful place as something I do to satisfy hunger instead of something i do to entertain myself. The 12 different juices are exciting, though. I never know what i'm going to get when i open the litle cup top!

Drinking the juices is fun! Every hour i have a different flavor!

I'm doing good and i'm excited.

I decided to supplement the juice feast with food so that when the feast is over, i don't crash and burn. (My friend, Joy, who is a long time raw faster pointed out this website for me that has been quite instrumental in my decision making: http://www.michelleanslan.com/. Anslan says that cooked low fat vegan food is actually healthier than super fatty gourmet raw food. I don't know if that's true or not, but for today, I'm accepting that statement as truth FOR MYSELF based on how it feels in my body. I needed a break from salt. I've been so bloated. And fatty foods give me reflux. I'm enjoying this clean whole foods "Transition Diet" eating that she talks about.)

Here's my new amended plan, which includes more on my new mindset! Much of it was inspired by teachings from my email friend and sorta miraculous sponsor, Karen, who is reading Eckhart Tolle, and getting so much out of it and sharing it with me on a daily basis. It has been incredibly powerful. Thank you, Karen! I'm tellin' ya, this is where it's at...success starts in the MIND!

TRANSITION TO GREATNESS DIET AND MINDSET
I FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE - I LOOK AT WHAT I DID/DO RIGHT.

I INTEND TO SUCCEED AND FOCUS ON HOW I WILL ACHIEVE SUCCESS EACH MORNING AND KEEP FOCUSED ALL DAY.

I CREATE AND REPEAT POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS FOR SUCCEESS.

I ACT "AS IF" I AM HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT - NO MATTER WHAT I EAT, NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR DON'T DO, NO MATTER WHAT!

I TRUST THAT GOD IS WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES AND WILL LEAD ME INTO A LIFE OF BLESSING!

I ASK MYSELF, "WHAT WOULD LOVE DO?" WHEN FACED WITH DILEMMAS.

I STRIVE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR MY HIGHEST GOOD.

I PAY ATTENTION TO FOOD, I SAVOR, I ENJOY!

I OBSERVE WHY I AM EATING WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

I EAT WHEN I AM HUNGRY.

I FOCUS ON MY GOAL - TO WEIGH 200 LBS - i will be so LIGHT and FREE, i will have ADVANTAGE IN AUDITIONS, i will LIVE MY LIFE'S PURPOSE, i will be BEAUTIFUL, ATTRACTIVE...and FREE from this horrible WEIGHT weighing me down PHYSICALLY, SPIRITUALLY and EMOTIONALLY!

I FOCUS ON WHAT IS OPTIMAL FOR ME TO EAT.

I EXERCISE FREQUENTLY BECAUSE IT FEELS WONDERFUL, MAKES ME HEALTHIER AND LOOK BETTER!

I DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS BECAUSE IT MAKES MY SKIN LOOK SO NICE AND IS SO GOOD FOR MY VOICE

I TAKE VITAMINERAL GREEN AND BLUE GREEN ALGAE BECAUSE IT HELPS MY DIGESTION AND IS SO FILLED WITH CHLORYFIL

I PRAY AND ASK GOD TO HELP ME ALL DAY. I SURRENDER OFTEN.

IF I CHOOSE TO EAT NON-OPTIMAL FOODS, I SAVOR AND ENJOY, MAINTAIN A HAPPY OUTLOOK NO MATTER WHAT, AND GET RIGHT BACK ON TRACK.

OPTIMAL FOODS TO TRANSITION TO GREATNESS - SALT FREE AND OIL FREE
SALAD WITH FRUIT DRESSING
SALAD WITH RAW NUT DRESSING
FRESH VEGETABLE JUICES
FRESH FRUIT JUICES
FRUIT SMOOTHIES
GREEN SMOOTHIES
ANYTHING MADE WITH RAW VEGGIES: FRESH SALSA, VEGGIE PLATE, RAW SOUP, ETC..., ZUCCHINI SPAGHETTI AND RAW SAUCE
COOKED SQUASHES OF ANY VARIETY
COOKED GREENS OF ANY VARIETY
DR FUHRMAN SOUPS
STEAMED/COOKED PLAINTAIN/POTATOES/SWEET POTATOES
FRESH FRUIT
COOKED BEANS
STEAMED OR WATER SAUTEED VEGGIES
PLAIN BROWN RICE

xoxo michelle joy

TRANSITION TO GREATNESS!

2011-12-21T03:26:00.000-08:00

This is my vision for each one of you: Imagine yourself, vibrant and healthy, two years down the line, without addiction, without health challenges, aches, or pains, and living your life’s purpose. Imagine the beauty of each day, as you wake up excited and motivated each morning, ready to live your life to the fullest. www.michelleanslan.com

Good morning, Hope you are all well. I'd love to hear from you, write me! LaSoprana@aol.com

I started the plan below yesterday and already feel like a new person. I had steamed potatoes and veggies and lentils, 2 corn on the cob, fresh strawberries, steamed plaintain and sweetpotato, nothing with salt or fat.

My eye stopped twitching. Already. (It's been twitching for 5 days. Arnold said it was due to fat buildup in my liver).

And.....I start my juicing program with Dorothy Marie today! My mother agreed to help me pay the $300 cost of 6 extra large juices/day, all different varieties, that I will pick up daily at Arnold's Way for one week! Thank you, Mommy! This juicing will really get me supercharged with vitamins and minerals and will make me feel so good!

I've decided in addition to the juices, to eat what i desire when/if i am hungry, ideally from my above list. Going on a juice fast and then ending it at McDonalds is something i am quite capable of that i caution myself against. "Proper diet and exercise are the way to permanent health," says Michelle Anslan. Amen to that.

After the week of imbibing Dorothy's marvelous daily juices and eating low fat whole foods, i'll be supercharged and motivated to continue on my road to health, and will be motivated to make juice for myself at home!

THE ANGELS JUICING CLUB AT ARNOLD'S WAY: If you're interested in beginning a juicing program but need a kick start and are local to Lansdale, PA, Dorothy Marie is ready and waiting to make YOU 6 daily juices a day, too!

Send her an email at: newfreedomhealingarts@gmail.com

I came up with the following plan, which was inspired by the transition diet on http://www.michelleanslan.com/. My sweet and darling friend, Joy, who writes to me daily, directed my attention there. Michelle Anslan is a longterm raw vegan frugivore, who shuns salt and fat. Becoming a frugivore was never an attraction, but I found great wisdom in her suggestions on transitioning to raw: www.michelleanslan.com/transitioning.html. Anslan also writes a great deal about eating disorders and the quick fixes and pitfalls that many people struggling with raw / and eating disorders turn to. Anslan's point of view was convincing enough. I decided to create/follow a transition diet similar to the one she prescribes.

I called it MY TRANSITION TO GREATNESS DIET AND MINDSET.

On the plan, i do the following to TRANSITION TO GREATNESS!:
I FOCUS ON GRATITUDE AND ON MY MANY BLESSINGS!

I FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE - I GIVE NO THOUGHT TO MISTAKES/FAILURE. I PICK MYSELF BACK ON AND GET RIGHT BACK ON TRACK.

I SET MY MIND TO INTEND TO SUCCEED ALL DAY!

I CREATE AND REPEAT POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS FOR SUCCEESS!

I ACT "AS IF" I AM HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT - NO MATTER WHAT I EAT, NO MATTER WHAT I DO NOT DO, NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR OTHERS DO TO ME. HAPPINESS IS INDEPENDANT OF WHAT I EAT!

I TRUST THAT GOD IS WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES AND WILL LEAD ME INTO A LIFE OF BLESSING!

I ASK MYSELF, "WHAT WOULD LOVE DO?" WHEN FACED WITH DILEMMAS. I PAUSE AND WAIT FOR AN ANSWER.

I INTEND TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR MY HIGHEST GOOD. I AM WORTH IT! GOD HAS GREAT PLANS FOR ME!

I PAY ATTENTION TO FOOD, I SAVOR, I ENJOY, I EAT WHAT I DESIRE! I OBSERVE WHAT AND WHY I AM EATING.

I EAT WHEN I AM HUNGRY

I FOCUS ON MY GOAL - TO WEIGH 200 LBS SO THAT I CAN MOVE WITH GRACE AND EASE, SO THAT I WILL HAVE NO OBSTACLES IN SINGING AUDITIONS/PROFESSIONAL OPERA JOBS, SO I LOOK ATTRACTIVE AND MARKETABLEI INTEND TO CURE MY REFLUX LARYNGITIS WITH THIS LOW FAT DIET

I FOCUS ON WHAT IS OPTIMAL FOR ME TO EAT AND NOT ON WHAT IS NOT

I EXERCISE FREQUENTLY AND WILLINGLY BECAUSE IT FEELS WONDERFUL, MAKES ME HEALTHIER AND I LOOK SO MUCH BETTER!

I DRINK PLENTY OF WATER BECAUSE IT MAKES MY SKIN LOOK SO NICE AND IS SO GOOD FOR MY VOICE

I TAKE VITAMINERAL GREEN AND BLUE GREEN ALGAE BECAUSE IT HELPS MY DIGESTION AND IS SO FILLED WITH CHLORYFIL

I PRAY AND ASK GOD TO HELP ME ALL DAY. I SURRENDER OFTEN.

IF I CHOOSE TO EAT NON-OPTIMAL FOODS, I SAVOR AND ENJOY, AND GET RIGHT BACK ON TRACK.

OPTIMAL FOODS TO TRANSITION TO GREATNESS - SALT FREE AND OIL FREE
+SALAD WITH FRUIT DRESSING
+SALAD WITH RAW NUT DRESSING
+FRESH VEGETABLE JUICES
+FRESH FRUIT JUICES
+FRESH FRUIT
+FRUIT SMOOTHIES
+GREEN SMOOTHIES
+ANYTHING MADE WITH RAW VEGGIES: FRESH SALSA, VEGGIE PLATE, RAW SOUP, ZUCCHINI SPAGHETTI AND RAW SAUCE, etc...
+COOKED SQUASHES OF ANY VARIETY (butternut, spaghetti, etc...)
+COOKED GREENS OF ANY VARIETY
+DR FUHRMAN SOUPS
+STEAMED/COOKED PLAINTAIN/POTATOES/SWEET POTATOES
+COOKED BEANS
+STEAMED OR WATER SAUTEED VEGGIES
+PLAIN BROWN RICE

_ _ _ _ _

Wishing you a blessed day!
xoxo michelle joy

THE MAGICAL STORY OF WONDER OF YOUR OWN LIFE

2011-12-18T07:40:00.000-08:00

So, i've been telling you that i get these daily emails. They are unbelievably powerful. To open up email and to be uplifted immediately is such a gift and a blessing.

Here is the one I got today from a website called Abraham-Hicks. My fabulous friend, Joy, told me about it and I signed up for it. I'm so glad i did. Here goes:

Start telling a better-feeling story about the things that are important to you. Do not write your story like a factual documentary, weighing all the pros and cons of your experience, but instead tell the uplifting, fanciful, magical story of the wonder of your own life and watch what happens. It will feel like magic as your life begins to transform right before yours eyes, but it is not by magic. It is by the power of the Laws of the Universe and your deliberate alignment with those Laws.
--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/

So, this is exactly where i've been at. I mean, Pure Raw Joy used to be about staying raw, at first, and then, when i couldn't get back on raw, it was about how badly I was doing with blow by blow details and lots of hopeless out of control depressed discouraged feelings.

That's when i stopped writing, because i realized eventually, it wasn't helping me get any better to talk about how badly i was doing.

So, now, in my life, I've changed the focus from talking about and focusing on my woes with food...t0 focusing on changing my mental state and my language. My friend, Karen, who reads Eckhart Tolle has been so instrumental in helping me achieve this new focus. Thank you, Karen!

It seems to be helping, because even though my diet is not all raw, I am much happier! And a happier person can change, not one who feels she can't accomplish anything because nothing is within her control.

For a good example of how I'm changing my language and the impact it has, on friday at Arnold's Way, a former student, who was in one of my raw diet classes and who is normal weight but who has difficulty with out of control eating too, came up to me as I was making food, as we have met and chatted many times before, and she was telling me about all of the 'bad foods' she can't stop eating and I was listening, but in a different way.

I was now focused, for myself, on staying positive, only focusing on the positive things and do, and not lamenting over every negative thing I do. To hear her description of what was going on made me realize the issue is not really about the cookies she can't stop eating, the issue is really about how she views the cookies she can't stop eating. Do we obsess and focus on the negative? Or do we focus our minds on what we want and the good things we do? Which way works to produce success???

When she asked how i was, she expected me, as usual, to commisserate and have a similar sob story about my horrible struggles and lost battles with food, because it's obvious from my weight gain that i'm not losing weight, but i said to her:

"You know what? i'm finding that my attitude, and especially my language make all of the difference. I'm wanting to do well. That's my answer to how I am! And I'm focusing on the positive. I find that talking about everything i do wrong doesn't help change occur, it just makes me want to continue to do worse. Instead, I'm finding that setting intentions for what i want and focusing on those intentions really powerfully, really set my mind on them, really does seem to help me to create positivity and change."

I think she was really taken aback as it certainly wasn't the answer she was expecting. And other people heard, Arnold and Chloe and it made people happy and uplifted to hear such an answer. "You go, girl!" When we're positive, people root for us. When we're dragging in mud, telling everyone about it, they're all, like, "Uh, see ya later."

What was funny to me was SHE goes to all of those "The Secret" type seminars and used to say that stuff to ME when i was teaching the raw diet class!! It was just a really funny role reversal and ironic because i was the really fat one saying it, and she was the thin one not focusing on the positive.

She once said, "You know, it doesn't matter if you have 5 lbs to lose or 100, it can feel the same."

Anyway, in changing my attitude and language, i've been having good success during my imperfect days, which I've been latching onto, and then it helps me want to do better the next day, you know? For instance, in NYC on Wednesday, I walked 66 blocks. I also ate a cheeseburger, which would usually send me into a tailspin. Instead, I just keep getting back up, renewing my intentions, so i'm able to get back on track so much quicker. Even if i keep screwing up again. I was raw 3/4 of the day on both Thurs and Friday. Still, I bought a new bottle of vitamineral green. I started to take a blue green algae last night. And last night with Cliff, we water-walked together in my parents' clubhouse pool for 40 mins together. It was bliss! I didn't binge yesterday but also didn't eat all raw.

What i'm trying to explain is - by changing my attitude/focus, i'm recovering from setbacks much much quicker. Soon, if i keep this up, setbacks will be like nothing. And binge eating will be GONE. THIS IS MY INTENTION.

On Thursday night, something really great happened. I didn't think i could sing well. i was exhausted, i'd worked all day. I didn't have a great warm up. I just kept intending to do well and kept surrendering to God. "Help me, Lord. Help me!"

I had probably the BEST singing experience I've had since working again with Badiene. It was as if everything just FINALLY came together with my singing technique and I saw the light. I sang the Bach Cantata BWV 151 with the orchestra and the flutest said afterwards, "You are fantastic!" I am going to surrender to God alot more. He can help make my intentions reality!

It was interesting to note that while singing it was alot of WORK to focus on using my correct support and keeping my throat open (as I'm learning), but the hard work of singing correctly paid off . I felt like I could make any adjustment to the sound I wanted, quieter, diminuendo, crescendo. My voice was within my control.

Along the same lines, I'm finding that the more and more I set intentions and focus on the positive, the more my eating is in control.

Yesterday at my moms, i could have easily binged had i wanted to. Which i often do.

Yesterday I set an intention to eat what i wanted normally. And I did. I stayed focused and paid attention with each bite. I didn't LIKE that chicken wing. I wasn't going to eat another. It was new.

It's almost like miraculous how it happens.

So, I feel hopeful for the future.

Yes, intellectually, i "know" raw is the healthiest for me. But emotionally, i'm needing to learn this important flexibility that "food does not define me" and that "food does not control me." In learning that "I" control my attitude, "I" control my actions, "I" control my behavior, "I" control food, I'm making significant inner spiritual changes that feel really really important.

I talked the other day about how if we fall from our best intentions, we just have to keep renewing our intention and pick ourselves back up again and get back on track. So i had my smoothie this morning.

Maybe we have to do that 1x a day or maybe 25x a day. I think it's the most important thing right now for me to learn.

This is something i never learned as a serial yo yo dieter. With diets, I would make one false infraction and give up completely. This was the seed that birthed binge eating that I'm working on eradicating today.

_ _ _ _

So, I invite you to read and reread that little Abraham-Hicks statement above and give thought to sharing less of the blow by blow sob story of your life, but to start creating within your own life "the magial story of wonder." Start focusing on the positive. Start monitoring and changing your language to reflect a more positive you.

Let's transform our lives togeher in this way!

xoxo michelle joy

THE ANGELS JUICING CLUB at Arnold's Way!

2011-12-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks,

I'm not sure if I can swing the financials to go to Colorodo, so until I am sure, i'll be joining this juice feast that Dorothy Marie is now offering at Arnold's Way!!! If you'd like to join me, that would be awesome! We can support each other!

_ _ _ _ _ _

The Angels Juicing Club

Make YOU and YOUR HEALTH YOUR TOP PRIORITY...! Join the "The Angels Juicing Club!"

The "Angel’s JUICING Club" is a new club dedicated to making YOU and YOUR health your top priority by JUICE FEASTING! Dorothy Marie and her 'Super Angel Juicer' will provide you with enough juices for a whole day, every day, for an entire week, to cleanse and rejuvenate. Lose weight! Regain energy! Dorothy will lead you to success with classes to help you get ready to juice for the week, and she’ll help keep you motivated and on track with daily support (emails/phone calls). After your juice feast, she’ll train you in how to juice at home, and educate you on the benefits of juicing so you can make juicing a lifelong habit! Dorothy Marie will make sure you have everything you need to succeed on the juice feast to transform you life! Dorothy lost over 30 lbs juicing, and never feels better than when she is imbibing the health restoring Elixir of fresh juice! See what juicing can do for YOU! And see Dorothy's Success with Juicing and Health on Arnold's Way You Tube Videos!

So, Join the “New Years Revolution” at Arnold's Way!

$300.00 Per Week!

Per week, you will enjoy:
- SIX (16 oz) Fresh Organic Juices DAILY, individually designed for your well being. Pick up daily from Arnold’s Way (very early A.M. available) (or pick up the evening before). Or..... inquire about DAILY DELIVERY!

Come to the introductory meetings on Tuesday, Dec. 20th or 27th or January 4th. And if you join the Angels Juicing Club, these weekly supportive, educational, instructional meetings will continue to be offered on an ongoing basis - every TUESDAY. These meetings will keep you on track with your new lifestyle, offer encouragement, tips, direction, instruction, support. Choose the morning or the evening session. Continue coming to class after your juice feast, too!

*Tuesday, December 20, 2011
8:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. / or 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.

*Tuesday, December 27, 2011
8:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. / or 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.

*Tuesday, January 4, 2011
8:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. / or 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.

Do a 1 Week juice feast....a 2 week juice feast......or how about a 3 or 4 week juice feast???? Juice only....or supplement with healthy food at home....

SIGN UP TODAY! CALL ARNOLD'S WAY (http://www.arnoldsway.com/)

215-361-0116

BONUS! All "Angel" Participants receive 10% Off all Equipment at Arnold's Way: (Juicers, Spaghetti Machines, Rebounders, etc...), plus 10% off of Arnold's classes, and 15% off of all produce!!

*ASK ABOUT HAVING YOUR FRESH ORGANIC JUICE DELIVERED DAILY!

Questions? Contact Dorothy at newfreedomhealingarts@gmail.com

_ _ _ _ _

Whattaya think? Let's do it!

xoxo michelle joy

FAILURE IS NOT FINAL and 2012 - A MAGICAL YEAR!

2011-12-14T22:34:00.000-08:00

Good morning, fine folks,

How are you all doing? Please say HI when you can.

How am I....?

I'm wanting to do better. I ate all raw for 3/4 of the day yesterday. I'd like to make it an entire day today, and if i can eat salt free, my body would be happier. Other than that, i'm wanting to make an entire life change. Gotta keep focusing.

These two messages I'm sharing with you, "Failure is not final," and "2012, a magical year," feel very powerful to me and are a help to keep focused on success. The first message reminds us, again, that we have to never give up trying, and just sluff off mistakes, failures, and press on to focusing on what we want in the future and trusting in God and in faith for it. The second message helps remind us that we need to set powerful intentions and use language that is only positive and focuses not on "what is," but on "what we want." For example, people at work asked me how i am doing yesterday. My instant instinct is to give details (describe "what is:" i can't stop eating, i'm fatter, i'm hopeless.) Instead, I answered, "I'm focusing on the positive, I'm fabulous!" It made me and everyone else smile, and you know what? It makes you feel and DO better when you talk like that. Towards the end of the day, I was tired and upset about something and I lost my focus. My intention is to keep focused today.

Well, here goes. I hope these messages resonate with you. I'm wishing you a very blessed day. Say HI when you can.

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead”(Phillipians 3:13, NIV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Are you down on yourself today because of past mistakes you’ve made or because you’re not where you want to be in life? God knows every poor choice, every difficulty, every wrong turn you may have made, and He’s already planned your comeback! In scripture, Jonah took a detour, so to speak. It took him a little bit longer, but because he called out to God, because he believed, God not only rescued him, but God got him to his final destination.
Friend, know today that failure is not final. God always has the final say. Mistakes don’t have to keep you from your destiny. God’s plan can override every setback. Your world may be in turmoil today in a relationship, in your finances or health. But know this: not only will God rescue you; He will set your feet on a rock and lead you to your final destination in life. Remember, the promise He placed on the inside of you didn’t go away because you had some personal failures. No, that failure is only temporarym but His Word remains forever! Keep hoping, keep believing because He will move you into the blessing and victory He has prepared for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father God, thank You for Your hand of victory and blessing that is on my life. Today, I shake off the past, I shake off failure, I shake off poor choices and trust that You are restoring me and leading me into the plan You have for me in Jesus’ name. Amen!
— Joel & Victoria Osteen

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret and The Power

You can make 2012 the best year of your life! And you can do it very easily, right now. All you have to do is set the most powerful intention you can ever set in your life, which is that you will focus only on what you want, think only about what you want, and talk only about what you want. Decide right now that anytime you find yourself thinking or talking about what you don't want, you will stop and demand of yourself, "What is it that I want?" And with all your might, with all your strength, with all your willpower - you will focus on what you want!

This one intention, repeated daily until the New Year and reinforced through 2012, will ensure that you make 2012 the year that your dreams came true, and the greatest year of your life!
Happy holidays, and a very, very Happy New Year! May the joy be with you!

Rhonda Byrne, The Secret... bringing joy to billions

xoxo michelle joy

BOUNCE BACK, BABY!

2011-12-14T21:42:00.000-08:00

I get these awesome daily emails from Joel Osteen Ministries at http://www.joelosteen.com/. Yes, I'm Jewish. But I embrace these Christian messages like they are water to the thirsty.

Quite simply put, I just cannot get enough of Joel Osteen. He is infinitely adorable, wise and positive, funny, profound, touching. He is the epitome of the positive preacher. He is the antithesis of the fire-and-brimstone preacher. He fills you with the JOY and wonder of God and you can't help but smile the entire time he preaches.

I watch Joel on the local Christian channel. I have his books, his daily devotionals, and he ministers to me daily in these daily email messages. Today's message, which I've shared with you below, was particularly timely and meaningful for me. I've been losing the battle with food and weight. Ah, well. Sometimes before you make a big change, you allow things to get much worse.

When things stay worse, day after day, I can get really, really discouraged, and I get to feeling like i just want to give up.

But I'm not giving up. i'll wake up tomorrow, it'll be a new day. I'll go to work at Arnold's Way, despite having eaten a hamburger and chicken and chocolate milk and Dunkin' Donut's muffins today. (I did however have an awesome singing lesson and I walked my butt off in NYC, so the day was not a total loss).

I have an opportunity of a new day tomorrow. I have the opportunity of a new perspective...right NOW! I can choose health! I'm doing a positive blog. And I can walk in the morning. Even if just for 5 minutes. I can drink more water, tonight and tomorrow. I can eat healthy light raw foods all day tomorrow. I can make a new start, just like that. Just like that. Just like that. Just like that. With every second that ticks by, there's a new opportunity to choose differently, to choose better.

I think Joel and Victoria's message below is a message we can never hear too often. This was a real blessing for me, and I share it with you in the hopes that it is a blessing for you!

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again...”
(Proverbs 24:16, NIV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Life is full of things that try to push us down. We all face disappointments and setbacks. Maybe you received some bad news about your health or perhaps a relationship didn’t work out. That was a setback. It’s easy to get discouraged or lose your enthusiasm or even be tempted to just settle where you are. But if we’re going to see God’s best, we have to have a “bounce back” mentality. That means when you get knocked down, you don’t stay down. You get back up again. You have to know that every time adversity comes against you, it’s a setup for a comeback!

Remember, as a believer in Jesus, the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives on the inside of you. There is no challenge too difficult, no obstacle too high, no sickness, no disappointment, no person, nothing that can keep you from your God-given destiny. If you stay in faith, then God will turn what was meant to be a stumbling block into a stepping stone, and you’ll move forward in strength, full of faith and victory!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in heaven, thank You for setting me up for success in everything I do. I choose to trust and rely on You knowing that Your plans are for my good. I know my best days are ahead of me and look ahead to the blessings You have in store for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.
— Joel & Victoria Osteen

Here is Joel Osteen giving a similar and very inspirational message from the pulpit. If this doesn't inpire you, i don't know what will! Man, God is so good and Joel Osteen is a blessed messenger. Be like a palm tree...and get right back up again....!! Let's all be bounceback people!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gTGsYNUfdgs#!

xoxox michelle joy

DON'T EVER GIVE UP!

2011-12-12T08:25:00.000-08:00

I've been bartering with my singing teacher, Badiene. And while filing some music for her, I ran across a song called, DON'T EVER GIVE UP. It seemed like a lightening bolt went through me when i saw the title and I quickly read the goosebump inducing lyrics. The song felt like a divinely inspired message...to me. I promised myself to write down the lyrics, they were so meaningful, and I'm blessed to share them with you.

"Don't Ever Give Up" is a song written for school children to perform. It just so happens there is a short clip of 1/2 of the song on a Kindergarten website, which i've attached at the bottom of the lyrics.

This song brings tears to my eyes and reminds me that life...is choice. Diet...is choice. Each meal or binge...is choice. Raw? Cooked? It's all in my choice. As is my attitude. It's all my choice!

I hope this message of choice and to never give up will be inspiring and uplifting to you, too!!

DON'T EVER GIVE UP by Teresa Jennings

All of your life
You will have many choices
How you will be
And what you will do
That's just the point,
It's your life, it's your choice
Trust in yourself
And your faith will show through.

Don't ever give up.
Don't ever lose the dreams
that you dream everyday.

Sometimes it's tough
And you have many problems.
How you will cope
Is all up to you.
Look deep inside.
It's your life.
It's your choice.

You can believe
And your light
Will shine through.

Don't ever lose heart.
Know who you are.
Live your own life
Your way, your way.

Don't ever give up!

http://www.musick8.com/html/current_tune.php?numbering=33&songorder=1

_ _ _ _

I also started to get daily emails from the Abraham-Hicks website, recommended to me by a friend (who happens to be named JOY, I mean, is that awesome???). Below is one of their daily email messages that shares a similar concept - that our behaviors are very much in our control, even if we don't think they are, they are. In other words, wellness/sickness - it's our choice. If we change our mindset, our attitude, our thoughts, our mood, we can very much change our behaviors.

Wellness that is being allowed—or the wellness that is being denied—is all about the mindset, the mood, the attitude, the practiced thoughts. There is not one exception, in any human or beast; because, you can patch them up again and again, and they will just find another way of reverting back to the natural rhythm of their mind. Treating the body really is about treating the mind. It is all psychosomatic. Every bit of it, no exceptions.
--- Abraham

http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

xoxo michelle joy

I MAY BE GOING TO A RAW RETREAT IN COLORODO FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!! WANNA COME?

2011-12-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

Well, folks, though i may talk up cooked food really good, i still can't seem to get it together. I'm struggling everyday. Well, i'm spinning my wheels, really. Spinning fast and getting nowhere.

I got an email today from my friends Meredith and Dustin, whom I've spoken about before on many occassions. They are INCREDIBLE!!

Meredith is an amazing raw chef, vegan cake baker, raw food cookbook author, doll artist, mural artist and all around inspiration - http://www.therawseed.com/.

Dustin is an amazing tattoo and mural artist and amazing artist, in general http://www.dustinkellogg.com/, who just so happened to have transformed himself on raw food...like 100 pounds worth!

These two are seriously in the ZONE and are always manifesting something incredible in their lives. They AMAZE me~~~!!! They are now (by now) long term raw foodists, live on a RAW BUS and now are running RAW RETREATS in Colorodo!

I got this email today, below, and we've since chatted on facebook!!

p.s. If you would like to join me at the retreat (some details below in the email), please email me for more information: LaSoprana@aol.com . I have since learned that flight to Denver (after New Years) is quite reasonable, about $300/round trip from Philadephia, and the retreat is about $400 for a 4 day raw retreat (food/classes/room and board in heated farmhouse w/fireplace all included) with guaranteed the MOST amazing raw food you have EVER eaten made by Meredith!

_ _ _ _

"MICHELLE!!!! Hello LOVELY!!!!!!
You have been in my thoughts & conversations a lot lately! I'm always bragging about your chef-ess skills :O)

I got your e-mail that you sent out several weeks ago and just now had a clear brain to sit down and respond.

I have known, since I met you, that you've been struggling. We've had countless conversations, e-mail exchanges, facebook chats, but still I've felt like there is a piece to this puzzle that goes much much deeper.

You've been so open and honest, this puts you in a wonderful space to change! Many people struggle with denial of their situation, you are open about your binge eating, weight loss and weight gain.

You've said it many times, you had the best results eating raw while at OHI, surrounded by supportive individuals in an active environment. Dustin and I have witnessed you try "the experts" programs, only to see you feeling frustrated, angry, and broke.

In the past I've felt unsure of how I can help you. I have so many useful tools but ultimately, I've felt like you need a full overhaul, a HUGE shift in schedule.

I always knew I could create you delicious food and juices that will help you feel satisfied, but if you aren't surrounded by constant inspiration and support it would be so hard for you to heal, move past the binge eating, and come into your highest self.

BUT!!!!! BUT!!!!! BUT!!!!! I finally CAN offer you a place to come, heal, lose weight, find support, and eat delicious raw food!!!!!! Dustin and I have been living IN THE BUS at a holistic healing retreat center for the past 4 months. We are here to stay and love it! We've put a wood burning stove IN Bleu Bee and we are staying toasty warm this winter. Last night we got down to negative 10 degrees... but the bus stayed at 95 degrees~!!

Cat & Cory are our friend's who own Sunshine Mountain Lodge in Colorado, www.sunshinemountainlodge.com where we now live. We're about 20 minutes from Estes Park and Rocky Mountain National Park - an hour and a half from the Denver Airport. The lodge has 6 private cabins, a HUGE main cabin with a gathering room and large kitchen where we cook and un-cook meals, teach classes, and host rawlucks. I am the "official" on-site raw chef but Cat is an incredible raw chef as well - she's modest about it but her raw food is pretty bad ass! We host all types of retreats, including raw retreats, yoga retreats, and holistic healing retreats.

The lodge FEELS like home, it's such a perfect space for relaxation, rejuvenation, and healing. It literally took me two days to feel "at home" there, I sleep like a baby because it's so peaceful and quiet. Not to mention, we are surrounded by animals like Elk, Moose, Fox, Bears, Big Horned Sheep. There is hiking to do EVERYWHERE, we are literally in the mountains surrounded by fresh air. Even though we are "in" the mountains, the lodge is located on a major state highway so our roads are always safely plowed and we have a lot of "foot traffic." We are away from the big city but not too isolated, the perfect balance.

We are re-doing our price lists, literally as we speak, but i KNOW we can work with your budget and help get you on track. You will be in a space, surrounded by supportive individuals. You can help around the lodge, we could even get some classes going while you are here so you can flex your skills. We host monthly rawlucks, movie nights, and raw dinner nights. These events attract a wide variety of individuals of all ages, backgrounds, shapes and sizes. We have people who are healthy and thriving... people who are extremely ill.. kids, grandparents... all ages and backgrounds. I don't have a fancy PhD BUT I have experience, drive, and a passion for delicious food. I've helped so many people overcome weight challenges, emotional challenges. I really feel the KEY is a WHOLE-listic approach. Combining all areas of life, addressing all areas of life, is how you can achieve overall wellness and balance.

You have such a FIRE to you, that's what I've always loved about you. You have a spark that shines clear as day, your singing in breathtaking, your food is divine.. you are a powerful, powerful woman! It's time for your outside to manifest into what you want! You can do this, we (at the lodge) can help!This is a personal invitation, from me and the lodge to you. Please please please put a lot of thought into this. Coming to the lodge for an extended stay will be a step that will change your life forever, guaranteed. You already know me and Dustin, we're a piece of home.. away from home! I will e-mail you prices shortly, but for now, start thinking about if this is something you are ready to do and want to do. Your e-mail asked for prayers, guidance and help. I love you very much and want you to thrive and feel alive. This is how I can offer to help. I can offer you a space to heal at our holistic healing lodge, what are the chances of this? A friend who is working side by side with the owners of a retreat center to host raw/healing retreats and events?! Please take advantage of this opportunity!!Let me know if I can answer any questions you may have. Please let me know how you are doing and feeling. I would love to see you and hear from you soon. Ill be in touch with information on pricing for extended stays & short-term stays.

Much LOVE!
xoxoxoxox

Meredith--"
Padmapani Little Sky (Meredith Frantz) www.therawseed.com www.poppyseedtree.com

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."-Howard Thurman

GENEEN ROTH'S GUIDELINES TO EATING

2011-12-06T07:41:00.001-08:00

In an excerpt from "Women, Food, and God," Geneen Roth shares seven guidelines to eating more consciously.

1. Eat when you are hungry. (Truly hungry. Body hungry, not mind or mouth hunger.)

2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.

3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspaper, books, intense or anxiety producing conversation and music.

4. Eat only what your body wants. (Big difference from what your MIND wants!)

5. Eat until you are satisfied. (This is different than full).

6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

Affirmations for Compulsive Overeaters

1. My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.

2. I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.

3. I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.

4. My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.

5. I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.

6. Compulsive overeating is a temporary condition in my life.

7. There is a normal eater within me. I will let her/him take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.

8. I can imagine a life without being a compulsive overeater.

9. When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.

10. I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!

HUNGER SCALE

10. Stuffed to the point of feeling sick

9. Very uncomfortably full, clothes really tight

8. Uncomfortably full, stuffed

7. Very full, feel you have overeaten

6. Comfortably full, satisfied

5. Comfortable, neither hungry or full

4. Beginning signals of hunger

Hunger urge comes every 2-5 minutes for just a moment. Try to go back to what you were doing, it may go away. It may be more “I see it so I want it”, or psychological eating.

3. Hungry, ready to eat

Hunger urge lasts longer, eat here, you need it physiologically. You’re body needs fuel.

2. Very hungry, unable to concentrate

Definitely need to eat here, if you go much longer it’ll be hard to stop.

1. Starving, dizzy, crabby, headache

When you wait this long, you may set yourself up for overeating because you’re too hungry.

* Learn to eat when your body feels a 2 or 3
* Try to match your physiological hunger and stop around a 5-6

Courtesy of http://consciouseaters.webs.com/

xoxox michelle joy

THE LAMBOURGINI and THE GOLDEN NUGGETS

2011-12-05T12:19:00.000-08:00

Hello there, Blogger Fans,

Well, time for an update.

I was raw for a week when I started re-blogging, and the last week has been a week of experimentation with cooked and raw. I have two mostly raw email "sponsors" of sorts that i write my food to every day. I fall down, i get back up. It's been like that for days now. This is new. It's not complete and utter deterioration nor raw perfection. It is an expression of a deep yearning for balance.

I did some writing last night after my performance of Haendel's Messiah pertaining to where i've been at in my mind with food that i'd like to share.

_ _ _

I think i had a very good day, but i had cooked food, and it's not really jiving that great with my reflux. Because of singing jobs i need to be taking reflux meds right now and i left mine at home (we're at my parents) so i had to take one of my mom's reflux pills and it doesn't work as well as mine. I'm belching and tasting dinner. (thanks for sharing, right?)

So, to make a SHORT story LOOOONG, I was getting ready for the Messiah performance this morning and wasn't hungry at all, but just as a precaution, ate 3 small bananas and 2 dates so i could survive singing for almost 3 hours. Good thing i did. And when the performance was over at 6pm, i was starved. We were in the neighborhood of one of our favorite Russian restaurants. So good and so cheap, and so hungry, i looked forward to going there. I got a peice of fish, very simple mashed potatoes and grilled veggies and had a peice and a half of their amazing bread and butter. I savored every morsel.

I don't think anything could have been more delish. Though, i recognize that raw food definitely doesn't "come up on me" like some cooked meals can. (Ah, well, probably due to the mis-combined cooked meal.)

Nevertheless, I felt very liberal and entitled at the restaurant, and thought geez, I barely ate all day and here it is dinnertime and i made it and I did good singing and I am damn well going to enjoy this treat!

After i ate, i thought, "Geez, if i could just eat like this, 1 meal per day, i'd enjoy food so much more and i would lose weight, as long as the meal wouldn't be much over 2,000 cals!"

It seems like every day is a new "place" with food. I'd committed to go back to 100% raw, but i find myself dropping off every day. After a few days of this, one figures, why not just "accept?"

With my 1 meal yesterday, i thought, "could i make something like this work? something healthy and raw in the morning and a healthy cooked meal for dinner?"

Why even classify it and put it in a box? Why not just let it be, let it exist as an experience and just look at it and learn.

I never know if i'm practicing moderation, which is such a persistent goal of mine, or if i'm just giving into being a cooked food addict. Something in me is fighting to not view myself as a cooked food addict. Like, what is so terrible about enjoying some bread and butter. It is so elemental. People have been eating bread for centuries. And fish. And vegetables. Some people pride themselves that eating that way keeps them very healthy. Some days i don't want to look at a glorious meal like that as "bad." God forbid. It's so good!

Being truly hungry, i really really really enjoyed and savored my meal ('ala' the teachings of Eating Disorder Author, Geneen Roth). Well, speaking of her, she would have said i did well tonight. (Ask arnold and he would say i ate fish urine and glue, haha).

Anyway, my body agrees more with raw, i know this, so i am not abandoning raw, by ANY means. I'm just watching. I'm living in the moment.

Yes, i become very ashamed and convicted when my coochie-coo smells when i eat cooked food and it doesn't smell when i don't. The problem is my REACTION to this. Then i feel guilty and immediately frightened and i want to binge - a message reaches my brain that says YOU ARE BAD, YOU DID WRONG and then i have the binge impulse and i want to stuff my face with every thing i forbid myself.

But why would my head tell me to do MORE of what i felt was bad for me if it were really so bad for me....as punishment? In a way, I often think my binges are TRYING DESPERATELY to teach me, to force me to just accept and enjoy food, in the moment, like you're supposed to. "You don't have to DO this to yourself. You can just enjoy it as a meal like a normal person." Like, in my twisted eating disorder state, it is okay to beat myself to a pulp and wreck and destroy my voice with any cooked foods i love/crave/forbid myself, but to eat binge foods as a meal and enjoy it is so BAD? Sometimes i think my head WANTS me to eat cooked "normally" to prove to myself once and for all that i CAN. I received pleasure from it in the moment so why afterwards do i judge myself so harshly for something that was a pleasurable experience for me, as well as for most of the planet? Am i trying to tell myself i don't deserve pleasure? Can the pleasure i receive from a cooked meal - eaten in control - be GOOD for me? Sometimes i think it is.

The problem with my body's response to it afterwards seems like a separate issue. Learning to enjoy "bad" food feels important for some reason. Anorexics in recovery can probably relate. They think all food is going to kill them. When they start to allow themselves to indulge and actually ENJOY food they feared, it must be as frightening / liberating for them as it is for me. I certainly allow myself to enjoy destructive binges, but to allow myself to enjoy a simple relatively healthy meal? Why is that so hard? And then to have that be an isolated event that does not tumble out of control? It feels like an important accomplishment. I thought that just to have one meal yesterday, and make it a special meal out, was such a treat to give myself. When i binge i may be "enjoying" food, but it's a secret and hidden and shamefilled frenzy of out of control behavior. I don't really savor the food and never listen to when i am full. I listen to a voice in my head that directs me to go on and on and on and on to eat the next and the next and the next thing. I am disconnected from my body when i binge. My disordered mind has taken over. There is never enough to fill me.

With last night's dinner, i ate until i was satisfied, and there is something so blissful about being about to stop when one is naturally full, without feeling guilty and like you've stepped over a line. To savor and to eat until i'm satisfied is an experience that i rarely allow myself to have, so I am always surprised when it happens and then strive to maintain that blessed state as energetically as i might had i happened upon a string of days raw.

Where I am with food today is a journey.

There is this book by Diane Hampton called 'The Diet Alternative,' I've mentioned frequently on this blog. It is a Christian book i have had for many years and i re-read it from time to time. In it, Hampton explains how she lost all of her excess weight - by eating only 1x/day - whatever she wanted at THAT one sacred blessed meal. The rest of the day she gave to God as sacrifice and she suffered through the hunger, and prayed. I'm sure, soon, her body adjusted. She cites biblical reasons for this way of eating being healthy. I recall something about the people in the dessert being unable to refrigerate or store anything so they had to eat up whatever was available at at meal and then travel by foot the rest of the time. This one meal a day idea has always intrigued/appealed to me. I mean, if i could be thinner...and eat what i wanted, and not binge, why wouldn't i DO that? I mean, just by virtue of losing weight i'd be so much healthier than i am now anyway, and i would have enjoyed it.

And so i had this almost just 1 meal today, and why can't that be good enough? Does it have to be raw too? Why do i expect such perfection from myself?

My eating disorder is a thing of complete perfection versus completely out of control. To finally exist in one day "IN BETWEEN" those two extremes is thrilling and scary and enticing and like, what is so BAD about that??? I obviously "know" how much better raw food IS for me, intellectually. But emotionally I'm not convinced. I toy and test and re-test my limits and boundaries constantly. And in a way, i think maybe that IS healthy for me to do. Or maybe it isn't. I really don't know.

Two times in my life, i was significantly thinner and both times i was on very strict diets. So i tend to look in the direction of complete and utter deprivation and strict control as the way to succeed with my weight, but the minute i make a small infraction from perfection, kaplooey, i binge, and i have never been one to be able to jump right back on track, i give way completely, surrender myself completely to binge eating until i gain everything back. What if i didn't have to walk down that path anymore? What if i learned to just overcome the power of food like Diane Hampton did?

True, raw was the only "diet" i was ever on so long. 3.5 years. As long as i stayed on, I didnt gain everything back. There seemed to exist within raw enough flexibility and sensual enjoyment to keep me raw.

What happened when i went OFF of raw is that i wanted to be even thinner. I wanted to lose more and saw my ONLY way to do that was to give up fat entirely. And when i did, i lost weight daily, without exercising. And then, i'd binge hugely on gourmet raw and gain it all back. I was tired of the up and down 30 lbs and wanted to give up totally these enjoyment-binges of gourmet raw. I told myself cooked beans were better for me than nuts, (ala dr. fuhrman). But once i left the bounds of raw...i was utterly lost, utterly afraid, and dipping my toe into the "water," gave way to a total surrender to cooked binge eating again.

What if it didn't HAVE to be like that anymore? Isn't God supposed to be able to help us do ANYTHING?

This Diane Hampton diet alternative method says, 'You don't have to change the FOOD you eat to lose weight, you just have to have self control by abstaining from meals outside of 1 (or 2 when you reach a better weight) a day, but you need never watch the types of food you can eat again. Enjoy food within the boundaries of that one meal. And trust GOD to direct you.'

Eating cooked is seen as something good with this method. You mean that "horrible" thing i use to destroy myself....could maybe help me overcome binge eating???

You mean, i don't have to live in complete self denial anymore?

Raw, with it's simplistic answers to cure-all, can really get to feel sometimes like a cult. "Oh bullyhogwash," i think sometimes when i hear potatoes turn to glue in your system. I mean, come on folks, a freakin' potato?

There is something so appealing about Hampton's idea, and of asking God into my life to reign over my food and my health. Didn't jesus say it's not a matter of what we are putting into our mouths that is unclean, it is a matter of our gluttonous spirit that causes us to sin with food, and it is more of a matter of what comes OUT of us that is unclean (e.g. hatred, wickedness, etc..., from an unclean heart?)

Some christians look at us trying to be so healthy and perfect and saintly and "saved" on raw food and they think we are being foolish because only God can save you, not raw food. Will raw food get to you Heaven and buy you Eternal life? Sometimes, depending on what headspace i'm in, I don't believe in it.

And i'm a raw chef! Shame on me!

Like, intellectually, I UNDERSTAND that the right healthy food will make us healthier. It will. I understand this. And it's proven.

I'm talking about the ludicracy of binge eating. My mind forgets while i'm scarfing bucketloads of food how completely destructive this is for me.

What is a fish meal out - in comparison to bingeing? A drop in the bucket.

Is raw food the way OUT of binge eating? I thought at one time, and maybe that helped me to stay on raw so long, but then i proved to myself i could easily and frequently binge and gain on gourmet raw. And now i have experiences where i am in control with cooked.

And i say, 'What is the answer?'

I think it all comes down to BELIEF. What we believe we can achieve. If we believe raw food will cure us, it will. If we believe cooked food will cure us, it will. I want to be true and authentic to myself and what i believe. I want to live my life as ME. I want to integrate and stop binge eating. How will i get there? Stay tuned.

All or most of what i write is probably all rationalization, but that's where my head was today just because my day was set up so that i only had the opportunity to eat one meal and then i'm like, hey, that was freaking delish, maybe i can make this work!

And then i want to go kill it and binge.

Something in my head....that strives for freedom with food....will only accept complete perfection. Anything less and it says 'what the fuck, go unwind,' and i devour everything in sight.

We happened to be staying overnight at my parents house for a little visit, and after visiting, Cliff and I were in bed watching tv, i was a little bored, slightly hungry, Cliff was half asleep, no one was in the kitchen, my parents and brother were all in bed, the coast was clear, there was an opportunity should i want to take it, and i wanted to sneak out into the kitchen and binge.

I'd had that "awful" fish (in quotes for a purpose) and potatoes after all. [Because i ate that, I am no good. I deserve punishment.] It was delicious, but it made me smell and i was afraid of that and i wanted to unravel into food pleasure. When i tell myself enjoying food pleasure is BAD...i want to prove to myself it is not...by devouring everything "good" in sight. Then i can acknowledge, "no, silly, it is SOOOO good." But i don't need to binge to acknowledge i like cooked food today. I'll tell you straight now, i like cooked food!!!!!

When i wanted to binge last night, I kept telling myself this affirmation that i made up, 'nighttime eating is self defeating.' It's a good practical affirmation and it really seems to curb my acting on the impulse.

Nighttime eating is SO self defeating for me because going to bed with a giant full belly is akin to pouring battery acid on my vocal cords. It is also bad, of course, because of the weight gain from the huge number of calories i blindly take in.

It was very difficult to not see the idea of a binge tonight as anything but "fun entertainment and exciting".

But i ended up allowing myself to just fall asleep.

Now i'm up, but don't feel in danger. I looked at myself in the mirror and my face looked pleasing to me and i want to keep it that way. i did good for myself and my voice by not binge eating, i got over the hump of the idea. Good girl, Michelle. Now i don't feel in danger. A binge would blow me up and why do i value myself so lowly that i would stuff my face for fun at the expense of my voice and health? That seems like a mighty healthy viewpoint. My singing wasn't THAT bad that i should want to kill it. No, no, it is golden, it holds such potential! I should want to baby it.

P.S. Eating once a day and going to bed on an empty stomach is THE BEST remedy for reflux laryngitis.

My coworker, my darling Shaie, talks about the golden nuggets. We shit out "golden nuggets," she says. That means we have to look at the beauty of what we do, what we produce, at our behaviors and accomplishments, and not focus on the turd aspect, but notice the golden nuggets.

With my singing, i judge myself very harshly, never seem to meet my terribly high standards, give into binge eating, ruining my voice and then it becomes a self fulfilling profecy because how could i sing well with a swollen throat? Today i want to cherish the golden nugget of my voice. It may not be perfect yet. I may be frustrated that i still cannot sing as perfectly as i want to, but i still must cherish it and not destroy it.

I really do believe i have so much potential with my singing. I was in good voice for the Messiah but didn't use enough support and my performance of my aria suffered for it. So sad that i still don't know exactly what i need to do in the moment for my voice.

Let's say my voice is a Lambourgini, which i totally believe it is that quality of voice. The problem is, the owner of the voice/the driver has to know how to steer it - and no matter how many lessons i take, i am not always so wise about what i need in the moment. Sometimes i think it's like a form of A.D.D. "I forget" constantly what i need to do. Support, support, support, dummy. And here i'm driving this Lambourgini and i'm not supporting. No wonder the voice was shaking and not within my control.

There are certain disciplines we just MUST abide by in life. To sing well, you must support. You eat when you're hungry and not when you're not. Look at the trouble we get into when we drive through red lights. We cause collisions and accidents.

I was talking with my colleague during the Messiah intermission. I commented, "Singing is so hard, one must constantly strive for balance between darkness and brightness, force and letting go. It's a terrible struggle." She said, "I know. I hate it!" I had to laugh.

I was noticing how it is the same difficulty with singing for me as it is to achieve balance in my diet - strictness vs. flexibility, raw vs. cooked, etc...

I revisit the same topics over and over. I dance in circles.

I have to believe, however, that i'm learning, that i'm making some sort of progress, even if you can't SEE it. If not physically, then spiritually, as I learn to surrender to God more.

YES, I strive for balance and so often it escapes me, but all in all, I must learn to congratulate myself that today was a success. I sang the messiah choral parts which were all new, and i did a good, not a great job, on my solo, and a much better job on the recitative section. I allowed myself to enjoy my meal and not allowing thoughts of binge eating to creep in afterwards.

I have to congratulate myself for the golden nuggets.

And i didn't binge.

So even though i ate cooked food, which may or may not be the best for me, (i'm never quite sure where i am that day on that belief), at least i didn't binge.

So that's how i am :-))

I have often commented that healing an eating disorder and losing weight and repairing one's health are all really separate issues, i think. And i'm maybe trying to do it all at once. No wonder why it's so terribly difficult.

I have this other pivotal book in my library, 'Overcoming Binge Eating,' by this Dr. Christopher Fairburn. I've talked about it here before as well. And in it, he says you will never lose weight and keep it off until you overcome your binge eating disorder. And this idea is constantly in my mind. His approach is to have the sufferer eat everything in moderation because when we binge we eat everything anyway - the binge is an expression that "i WANT this thing but i can't allow myself to have it." Only after we heal our need to indulge binge impulses can we begin to lessen the amount of food we give ourselves and lose weight and keep it off, permanently.

The one good thing about my 100 lbs weight re-gain is that it was not more, Thank God. I intend never to regain those 75 lbs that would put me at my top weight. At least i love myself enough TODAY to say, "Uh uh. This is as far as i will allow this speedtrain to derail."

So when i eat a meal and it's enjoyed and in control there is always a feeling of elation for me because i was able to be 'normal,' if only for a short time.

And i still don't know if the food thoughts i get after eating, like i did tonight, originate from guilt or from the poor quality of the food itself. I hear from Dr. Fuhrman that foods with more micronutrients will calm cravings. Is ALL binge eating is - is a tumultuous rushing force seeking nutrients ? Or is it a mental illness unrelated to the type of food we are eating? I still don't know.

Geneen Roth would say the latter.

So would Diane Hampton.

So would Dr. Christopher Fairburn.

Anyway, whatever i eat, if i would just exercise i'd lose weight and gain strength, but i often can't see to allow myself to be good to myself in that way because i'm always feeling so guilty about what i've eaten. I feel i don't deserve to be good to myself. Only when i am perfect in my diet do i usually start to feel like exercising. If i would just exercise no matter what i ate, i'd be 1000x better off anyway.

So, despite my talking up cooked, my intention is to get right back on track eating raw again tomorrow morning, because i'm trying to achieve balance in my life and not veer off the road every time i go over a hump anymore. I want to be a good driver. i'll have smoothie for bkfast at my moms [addendum: i did], and then i'll see where the day leads. I think there is something to be said for surrendering and allowing your Higher Power and your most inner honest intuition to guide you.

xoxo michelle joy

"NECTAR OF THE GODS" RAW SALAD DRESSING!!!

2011-12-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

My coworker, Tim, whom i adore, wrote me this note about a salad dressing I had made at work that he really loved:

"Whatever that Thousand Island looking dressing you made is nectar of the Gods. Please make more. I gave it out to at least 3 different people yesterday because i loved it and they all went nuts for it. I then made a salad for Deanna and brought it to her, her eyes lite up like a Christmas tree. Soooooooooooooo Yummmmm :]" Timmy

What a rave review!!

I made more of this dressing today (and have it in the fridge for sale at Arnold's Way, so if you want to grab some up, get your buttinsky over to Arnold's Way to pick some up!)

Or you can make it yourself! I'll share with you what i do!

Now, I make all raw food "to taste" and when i share recipes with you, it is usually something i've written down. But i didn't write down the exact measurements of this one, unfortunately, so this recipe is a guestimation, and you are going to have to experiment a little. But it will be good for you! See how you do! Be your OWN raw chef and learn how to balance flavors!!!

Chef Michelle's "NECTAR OF THE GODS" RAW RAW VEGAN SALAD DRESSING
In a vitamix, add:

3/4 cup of raw cashews
1 tsp of raw beetroot
1 flesh of red pepper
1 Tbsp of onion
1-2 Tbsp (or more) of raw cider vinegar (you can always add more, but it's difficult to counteract if you add too much!)
juice of 1/2 lemon
2 cloves of garlic
3 to 4 good slices of ginger
1/2 tsp or more of celtic or himalayan salt
2-4 Tbsp or more of raw agave
1/2 cup -1 cup water
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil

Blenderize until smooth. This dressing should be creamy and smooth, but not thick, only thick enough to coat greens nicely.

What i do when i make dressing is I go "conservative" on amounts of salt and agave and vinegar, etc., and after I blenderize it, I take a little wad of spring mix and dip it into the dressing and taste to see if i've created a pleasant balance. My motto is YOU CAN ALWAYS ADD MORE! If the dressing tastes bland, i'll add more salt, more agave, more garlic/ginger or for brightness, more vinegar.

Now, if i enjoy what i taste, so will everyone else at Arnold's Way!

If not, you'll have to play with the dressing until you get a nice balance of flavors. To balance dressing, it should contain a pleasing balance of 4 flavors: sweet, salty, tart and spicy, which complement bitter greens. [Bitter being the 5th taste of the renowned "5 tastes" ala Victoria Boutenko's teachings on raw un-cooking, the theory being, as long as you have all of the 5 flavors present in a raw dish such as salad with dressing, it will always be delicious. WELL, this is my #1 MOTTO and this is exactly how i make ALL raw food taste delicious.] So, the dressing should be tart enough (from vinegar), salty enough (from sea salt), sweet enough (from agave and beet), and spicy enough (ginger/garlic/onion) to balance out bitter salad greens.

P.S. Why are the 5 tastes so important? Well, we have 5 taste centers on our tongue. According to the Japanese, there is also another flavor the japanese call "umami" - it is a meaty flavor. I think nutritional yeast has an "umami" flavor. I always love to sprinkle nutritional yeast on salads!!!

So, please try this dressing and let me know how you like it!! If it comes out good, you will have created NECTAR OF THE GODS!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

Mmmmm...SIMPLE RAW CABBAGE SALAD!

2011-12-01T13:08:00.000-08:00

This salad tastes so delicious accompanied with the Garden Basil Almond Pate' I made the other day. SO SIMPLE and yet, so flavorful!! Amazing!!!

Use food processor blade that would cut, say, carrots into slices.

Take a half of a small-ish head of purple cabbage and cut into quarters and feed into food processor with this slicing blade. You will get perfect coleslaw shredded cabbage. Transfer to a bowl and add: a few grinds of celtic or himalayan salt over cabbage, 1 tsp of agave, 1 Tbsp of raw apple cider vinegar and about 1 Tbsp of olive oil. Squish ingredients all together with your hands. DONE!

Now, place a nice big handful of the slaw in a lunch bowl and top with a plop of the Garden Basil Almond Pate'. Eat together.....SO DELICIOUS!!!!

Chop up some tomato, onion, cucumber to accompany if desired!

xoxo michelle joy

COOKED FOOD ADDICTION & MY AMAZING (LOWER FAT) RAW GARDEN BASIL ALMOND PATE'!

2011-11-29T19:47:00.001-08:00

The answer to the question, "To be...or not to be"...is to BE!!

RAW, that is!!

After the oatmeal, things degraded and my raw diet fell apart.

It had been an entire week of raw bliss that disintigrated. I'd lost weight, my reflux was improved, the lump on my leg diminished, the dizzy feeling went away, i was feeling hopeful and energized, i started exercising again.

Then I forgot I wasn't "normal." I forgot I am a cooked food addict and indulged in cooked food. One thing led to another as they say and soon my eating was out of control again.

_ _ _

So, choosing to get back on track, I'm re-committing to 100% raw.

_ _ _

Tomorrow I go to NYC for my singing lesson with my old teacher, Badiene. We've been doing a bartering, where I work for her the entire afternoon and evening after my voice lesson. I do secretarial work & cleaning, and it seems to be working out so far. Since i'll be away all day and am recommitted to raw, I just made my lunch and dinner pate' to take with me to NYC, and I'll take some raw bread, i'll buy salad, smoothie, juice. I should be fine.

The pate' i just made is so freaking delish, i wanted to share with you the recipe!!!

You must prepare the almonds for the recipe, so please follow these directions:

GERMINATE, BLANCH & DEJACKET AMONDS - DIRECTIONS
Soak 8oz. organic almonds. Ideally, they should soak overnight.

Blanch in the following manner to retain raw nutrients and enzymes. After soaking, drain the almonds of their soaking water and place them in a large bowl. Pour very hot water (not boiling) over the nuts and let them sit in the water for about 1 minute. Then drain them with a collander, rinse them, and follow these directions to dejacket.

Place the blanched almonds on a plate, and while sitting in front of the TV for entertainment, pop the little brown jackets off of the almonds. Place the white almonds in a container. (De-jacketing improves their flavor, not to mention the color of the pate'.)

With the pristine white almonds, do the recipe. (Discard the jackets in the trash or find a use for them, if you like.)

FYI - Soaking nuts/seeds, (from what i learned at OHI), reduces their fat by 40%, and turns them into more of a vegetable because they begin to sprout. "Germinating" (soaking) nuts changes their internal chemistry. The nuts "think" they are in the earth (they don't know they are in a bowl.) The water awakens them from their "dormant" (sleeping) state (they think it's raining) and begins the process of growing them into an almond tree. The almond starts feeding on it's own fat (the process of germination). We eat them up before they could ever turn into a tree, but they don't know that!!! They are working hard to change themselves and transform themselves into LIVING BEINGS that are no longer sleeping.

It is very very good to soak nuts and seeds. It reduces their fat and improves their digestibility. It also removes something called ENZYME INHIBITORS, a natural protection in the nuts that helps them maintain their sleeping state. (Dormant nuts last indefinately due to enzyme inhibitors. We don't want to ideally eat these sleeping almonds. We want to eat almonds that have begun the transformation/life process. p.s Germinated nuts have a much shorter shelf life. You can keep germinated nuts in the fridge for really less than 1 week (they will eventually sour), or dehydrate them at 105 degrees to restore their indefinite shelf life.

You should also have a lot less gas if you soak your nuts/seeds.

CHEF MICHELLE'S LOWER FAT GARDEN BASIL ALMOND PATE'
In a food processor with S blade, process:

8oz. of organic almonds, germinated, blanched and de-jacketed (see directions above)
juice of 1 medium lemon
2 big handfuls of fresh basil
2 large carrots, chopped
2 large ribs of celery, chopped
2 garlic cloves
1 Tbsp purple onion
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
celtic salt, to taste
6 shakes of cayenne pepper

While processing, stream in 1/4-1/2 cup of water. Add more or less to achieve desired texture of pate'. With spatula, scrape down sides of processor during processing.

When finished, this pate' will be smooth, but have a grainy texture. No matter, it is so freakin' delish, you won't mind.

A non-germinated cashew pate' on the other hand will be VERY creamy, but much higher in fat.

Almonds are the KING of nuts. Germinated? MUCH LOWER FAT! I used to make this pate' with olive oil. Why? It doesn't need it!!

Lasts 10 days refrigerated.

_ _ _ _

I really hope you enjoy this pate'! Please let me know if you try my recipes and if they taste good and work out for you! Have you tried the asparagus soup?? It was so yummy! And this pate' is healthy AND delish!!!!

_ _ _

Do you consider yourself a cooked food addict?

Experience is showing me that I am one. I knew it when I was at OHI. That's why I never veered off of the plan. I didn't trust myself to stop eating cooked if i started. For 3.5 years as a raw vegan, I knew I was a cooked food addict, so i never had "just a little."

As soon as I began to open the gates to cooked food with cooked beans, I began to gain weight, eat more and more and more cooked food...until I gained back over 100lbs.

Experience will show that raw foods worked for me. Cooked foods have confused and confounded me and have helped me gain weight and lose control.

Maybe someday in the future, when I am more spiritually strong, I will be able to handle some cooked foods. For today, it only opens a door that is best left shut.

I'm so glad to have gotten back on the horse! Fall down, go boom. Get right back up on the saddle.

xoxo michelle joy

TO BE OR NOT TO BE...THAT IS THE QUESTION

2011-11-28T06:03:00.000-08:00

A wonderful supportive friend of mine, Karen, sent me this amazing affirmation:

"Thank you for the miracles that come my way when i postpone eating (when i am not hungry.)"

That is interesting that little part in quotes "when i am not hungry."

I had an episode last night of postponing eating when i was hungry. I was at Arnold's Way after my opera, and was very very hungry. I felt like a "cheezesteak," which was really really good and satisfying, but after, i wanted something more. I didn't know what. I was looking around Arnold's Way, considering my options. I wanted a peice of raw pie, but know it is very fatty and i have to sing again tonight. Best for me to eat fatty ealier for the sake of my reflux or not at all.

So, then my miracle came. Out from the kitchen walks Ronit, Arnold's daughter, who now works there, with a supersize green smoothie in her hand, and asked if i wanted it - it was extra and i could have it for free. My little miracle. It filled me, and it was a good lowfat choice! Thank you, God. It felt like a gift and like God took care of me.

A wonderful affirmation. Thank you, Karen! (p.s. Karen memorizes her affirmations, an astounding practice that is having remarkable results in her life, among other things like Eckhart Tolle's teachings).

Today i am one week raw, yay, but i had cooked food yesterday. It makes everything unsure now.

I'd left the house before the opera, full on a smoothie, but by the time we got to the performance area 45 mins later, Cliff was starving and so was I. Smoothies don't hold you that long if you drink "brunch" late. It was 1:30pm already and I was hungry prematurely according to my plans. Yes, I had almonds in my purse for such an occasion, but didn't 'feel' like almonds.

We were at Wendy's (the hamburger place). Cliff got a chicken sandwhich, and i, starving, didn't want another salad. Hm, a plain dry baked potato, on the other hand, which wasn't in the plan for my new raw diet, seemed like an excellent option at that time: low fat, energizing, whole food right before the opera.

It was delicious dry, no butter or salt and i had no guilt afterwards. Frankly, i forgot about it. I had dinner at Arnold's after the opera as I was still thinking "raw," and a smoothie before i went to bed, still on "raw" mode.

The problem is, now i woke up this morning and all i want is oatmeal. 5 mins i thought about it lying in bed. I woke up hungry. And for the last hour, i've written about it.

What will be the consequences? What other thing will i want next? Am i being sensible....listening to my body....or am i an addict?

It's hard to say. I don't know which it is.

What is this time about, this new decision for raw.... Is this for me to go raw 100%... Or is this a time for me to learn to eat raw and cooked "right" (low fat, whole foods, etc...) And who is running this ship, anyway?

I started to write again on the blog. Hello. i'm "raw" Michelle Joy again.

And suddenly, i don't know who i am, what to do, what i want, what is "right" for me.

Oatmeal never killed anyone, but what is next?

Am i walking into a hole again or am i making a safe informed decision?

I didn't know what to do, so i decided to just take my Vitamineral Green instead (a supplement I've been taking for like months...since i last blogged), and now i'm writing and haven't eaten yet and am still hungry.

I know some of you eat some cooked, and some of you do not. Writing again feels awesome, and i'm sure some of you will say some "healthy" cooked is FINE, but if i asked some others of you, 100% raw, you'd say, "Michelle, you are in danger!"

Am i? Or am i not?

The alcoholic who takes his first sip of wine. The compulsive eater who takes the first compulsive bite. The cooked food addict that had a taste of a delicious hot steaming baked potato and now wants MORE of that sort.

Isn't this all up to me and what i WANT??? Do i want raw? Do i want cooked? Do i want a combination? I'm really not sure what I want to do, and, well, i guess it is just up to me and i have to CHOOSE.

What do i want in this life? Is it my goal to be the next raw star? To finally get THIN writing my raw cookbooks and doing my raw videos? I thought it was, just a few days ago. Or am I the aspiring opera singer, the one who will sing at the MET? What IS this life of mine????

Friday, I was at Arnold's and i was thinking...i'll be dead soon. What do i want to leave this world? Some of my music will be nice, but what about raw? Don't i want to impact people after i'm dead? My books and videos will still be here. So will my blog. If i finally FIGURE this out, isn't that....like amazing? It seems like a good goal.

Then i get ooky about how raw sometimes feels like a CULT. Am i just BRAINWASHED??? What is the point of eating in such a way so that we can stay young when we are all dying daily anyway? I can get very philosophical about raw.

Wait, more to the point - IS RAW THE ANSWER TO CURING OBESITY AND BINGE EATING? OR NOT? That is REALLY why I'm here.

Some would say YES. Others who have overcome obesity and binge eating on cooked would say NO.

WHAT DO I SAY???

What do i WANT?

Anyway, to add to the matter, i spent 100$ at Arnolds last night buying my raw paraphernalia: nutritional yeast and seeds and almonds and nori, etc... I felt i needed to be more stocked and able to make my pleasant raw meals at home now that i was raw again, and to have something to work with so i am not tempted to eat cooked. (I'd forgotten about the potato, hm.) Is that evidence i can eat "healthy" cooked in the moment...and still go back to raw without fear/guilt/regret and without starting a binge?

I'd planned on soaking my seeds/nuts to make them lowfat and more digestible, better for my reflux, better for my weight. My goal was to do raw "better." Because raw can be VERY high fat. Actually, Dr. Fuhrman's diet, raw veggies and raw fruit...and cooked veggies and beans and only a LITTLE bit of nuts, etc... is probably the wisest/healthiest for reflux and weight....and NOT RAW: Nuts, oils, avocado in excess DO aggrivate my reflux. They do. And come on, they are HARD not to overdo.

Why does FOOD have to be so complicated?

I know using the word "better" is a judgement, Karen tells me. I wanted to do raw "better," I told her. I wanted to be more obedient to the things i have learned that improve raw food, I told her. I just wanted to do raw - in a newer way this time. I wanted to succeed.

Success can take many forms.

Does it have to be black/white, one or the other? Raw or not raw?

Unfortunately, with me, that's the way things TEND to go based on experience, black and white. I start with a baked potato and next thing you know, i'm at Auntie Anne's buying a hotdogs stuffed into pretzel. Who am I kidding? I'd buy 3 of them!

BUT, if all we have is THIS PRESENT MOMENT, as Karen is teaching me (Eckhart Tolle teachings), we have no past, no future, etc..., then, do the lessons of our experience/past/failures mean anything? Karen strives to live in the moment with food. She practices wiping away all memories of the food she has just eaten after she is done eating it. No guilt, regret. No judgement.

When i am good and centered and thoughtful and totally uncompulsive like i feel today, oatmeal feels absolutely non threatening and that it will not hurt me in the slightest or "cause" a binge or cause obesity. I just fear my desires when lunch time comes. Am i going to want to crack open that can of garbanzos i've been staring at? Am i going to want to cook up the quinoa i found yesterday cleaning out the cubbard? And those things are not BAD at ALL. I believe they are all healthy. I just don't know if i can TRUST myself.

Is this a time to find out? or is this a time to FEAR those desires???

Is raw really the magic cure for obesity?

"You cannot get fat on raw plant food." David Wolfe

David Wolfe obviously never saw me devour 10 bags of Brad's Raw Chips in one sitting.

The other day i made this amazing raw asparagus soup. I NEVER would have done that had i not been thinking RAW. It only had 10 macademia nuts in it, a whole head of asparagus, the rest water and veggies, no oil. It was a huge bowl of soup and sooooo delish. I was so extremely proud of mysself. I was "doing good" - like this was improvement for me and the "new" raw, not so nut-centered.

I just don't know if I start eating cooked, where it will end. Because you have to admit, cooked TASTES so much more comforting, warmer, more succulent, more tempting for sure, than raw. That asparagus soup would have been kick-ass cooked...

Do i care about health (enzymes/nutrition)?

Or taste?

If i'd have been proactive at arnold's i'd have bought some chia seeds so i could make a chia pudding for breakfast. That is hearty and filling in the winter time. Going raw in winter is a more challenging time. I don't really "WANT" a cold smoothie right now.

ADDENDUM: Cliff just came down and asked if I wanted a smoothie. I said, "I don't know. Do you?" He answered, "Not really. I'm kind of smoothie'd out."

For Cliff, food is not something he plans, thinks about. He gets hungry, he eats. That is what naturally thin people do. Naturally thin people also postpone eating until they know exactly what they want.

Since i have now postponed for HOURS now, will I have a miracle today and God will step in with a solution? Or will I take the reigns and make a CHOICE?

Roy Masters www.fhu.com, my guru, is fond of teaching, "Know that you do not know, and soon you will know."

Thanks for listening. I wonder what I'll do?!

xoxox Michelle Joy

UPDATE & "CREAM OF ASPARAGUS SOUP" - RAW, VEGAN & DELICIOUS!!!!!!

2011-11-26T08:23:00.000-08:00

Hi friends,

6 days raw and back to visit with you!

The quick update....
I guess you could say I hit a 'bottom,' and just realized that even if i did binge on gourmet raw, RAW was so much BETTER for me and i did so much BETTER on raw than on cooked.

Plus, some things began to scare me. I'd found a lump on my leg, had been suffering from dizzy spells (high blood pressure? diabetes? mineurs disease?), and i'd reached a high of 350lbs, again, etc..., not to mention being depressed and hopeless.

I spoke to my friend, Megan. (http://www.meganelizabeth.com/) "I'm not doing well, Megan. And i know it just takes me WANTING to do well... Like you are, manifesting it. You're doing so great being positive and creating so much prosperity in your life." She answered, "Oh, Michelle, I know it's hard to see when you're not "in it". That just really hit home with me. I was in a serious funk and couldn't see "the forrest through the trees."

It was time for a change. It had been over 1.5 years back on cooked after 3.5 years as a raw vegan. I guess we all need to test the waters from time to time and see if the grass is greener.

I don't think it was. For the freedom you gain in being able to eat everywhere, suddenly you're faced with temptation at every turn. Raw is actually EASIER.

All in all, i couldn't make cooked work for me. Steamed veggies degraded into pulled pork and brisket and double cheeseburger binges, and I found, as hard as i tried, I just couldn't maintain a healthy cooked diet for more than a week without falling and gaining everything back.

There comes a time when you just have to say, "This is not working."

So many eating disorder books say, "it's not about the food, it's about your emotions."

I've learned, it is about your emotions. But it's also about the food. Raw food raises your mood, helps you detatch from fast food and too much temptation, helps you return to eating following hunger/fullness, helps you lose weight, improves your health, improves your outlook, gives you a reason to exist (to help others), offers you tons of support and a community of like-minded people.

Traditional eating disorder treatment most often includes anti-depressants and other pharmaceutical mood enhancers. I didn't want to go there, so the choice is clear - go natural, and your mood is raised naturally!

So, folks, I've learned a lot and feel grateful to have come to the decision to go back on raw.

Asking for support was what really helped push me over the edge. My raw friends had been discouraged for me in my present state of degrading health and it just became too painful to keep dissappointing them - I wanted to be proud of myself again and have them be proud of me. I sent a note to all of my friends at Arnold's Way, and to some of you who i've gotten close to, and asked for their/your support. The action of doing that and their heartwarming responsiveness just propelled me forward.

I came to realize that God will not swoop down and take the food out of your mouth. Nor will most of your friends push you. Bottom line - you just have to take action and change your behaviors.

After I wrote them, i'd set something in motion that i couldn't, without great embarrassment, stop. If I fell off, i wasn't just letting myself down, i was letting them down. (Somehow, the blog became not enough reason to stay raw. I had complained for so long on it, it lost it's mojo. With my friends behind me, now, I feel a real push. And a desire to connect with you again.)

To think I felt so hopeless and that there was no solution just a week ago..... It is amazing what gumption we have in us if we just believe, figure out finally and go after what we want, and ask for help, and just decide to make it happen. Suddenly, you have the power to do what you didn't think you could do. An important life lesson.

I also have been praying to God regularly and I believe God is really directing my steps.

SO. More on what's been happening since we've been out of touch at another time, k?!

I want to tell you about the fabulous soup i just had for lunch!

_ _ _ _

* RAW VEGAN CREAM OF ASPARAGUS SOUP *

So freakin' delish!!!

So this is the scoop: I'd had some asparagus in the fridge...for a WEEK (i keep in a bowl of water, the stems, to keep fresh, really really works) that i've been dying to use for the amazing cream of asparagus raw soup a friend of mine made once at a raw potluck and i recreated many, many times thereafter, because it was so freakin' delicious, soooo savory! The original recipe was made with avocado and lemon juice and nutritional yeast, and, yes, uy, it is so freaking delish. But i didn't have any of that, so what's a raw chef to do?

IMPROVISE!

I was sooooo hungry and opened the fridge and when i spotted the asparagus, i went, "AHHA!!!!"

Then i saw the dried up avocado and cut into it and winced, "Ehhhh!" Black. That wouldn't work.

Then i searched for lemons. NONE! Would i use vinegar? It will taste like asparagus salad dressing!

Then i spotted the orange on the counter. THAT might work! It's citrus, right?

Excitedly, i got out the asparagus, snipped the bottom ends off and threw away, stuffed the good part into the vitamix with the ingredients below and had just ANOTHER INCREDIBLE OFF THE CUFF variation of the creamy asparagus soup i've made so many times, and, oh my god, it was so good!!!

I was very hungry and, whew, slurped up the entire humongous bowl which was enough servings for 4 people, i think! But there was only like 8 macademia nuts in it, the rest veggies and water, so it was not terribly high fat!!!

RAW VEGAN CREAM OF ASPARAGUS SOUP
In Vitamix:
- about 2 cups of water
- 1 head of asparagus, bottom ends cut off
- 1/2 lg garlic clove or 1 small
- chunk of red onion, about 2 tbsp
- 1 large carrot
- 8 small macademia nuts (or any nut, or 1/2 -1 avocado, the original ingredient in the recipe)
- himalyan sea salt to taste
- lots of black pepper (abundant black pepper in the key to this soup)
- juice of 1 orange (or juice of 1/2 lemon) (Surprisingly, the orange gave no overt "orange" flavor, and just lifted the soup in brightness, which is all it really needed, my god, awesome, i'll use the orange again in this!)

I whirred up in vitamix for about 3-4 mins until it was slightly warm.

Mmmmmmmmmm, was so good!

I didn't miss the nutritional yeast...!! And it didn't taste too macademia-ish. What a success....it just tasted like amazing cream of asparagus soup!

_ _ _

Please make it and let me know how you enjoyed it! I'm going to be writing a raw recipe book and would love your input/feedback!

Say HI and let me know how you are doing!

xoxo raw chef michelle joy

THANKSGIVING DINNER ~ Raw ~ Organic~ Vegan ~ TO GO....FOR TWO!

2011-11-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

By Chef MICHELLE of Arnold's Way & Mostly Raw Catering

YOUR SPECIAL HOLIDAY DINNER for two

*2 side salads with Michelle's Special Vinaigrette

*8oz Savory Holiday Pecan Mushroom Stuffing

*8oz Cauliflower Cashew Mashed "Potatoes"

*8oz Zesty Braised Lemon Kale

*8oz Creamy Dreamy Cole Slaw

*4 oz Cranberry Sauce

*4 oz Marvelous Mushroom Gravy

*2 slices Orange Pecan "Pumpkin" Pie

$60

You know everything will be absolutely delicious. My guarantee!

It's such a BLESSING to be able to make this healthy HOLIDAY meal available to you! I had been asked to create a dinner like this, available to-go. Since I am already making it, maybe you would enjoy it as well? It will make the holiday so much easier. Just inconspicuously fill your plate out of sight with your raw delights....walk into the dining room...and your friends and family will be none the wiser!

To make it worthwhile, we need at least 3 orders. Please call me RIGHT AWAY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Available to pick up at Arnold's Way on ~ WEDNESDAY, Nov 23rd after 3pm ~ (Or in Manayunk, where I live, after 5pm)

...PRE-ORDER directly from Chef Michelle

by NOON on Tuesday, Nov 22nd!

Pre-pay by credit card over the phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contact Chef Michelle directly to place your order!
~ 215-284-6525 ~

*Please pre-advise of any food allergies

RAW CAN ROLL CAFE', GETTING MORE GREENS AND MINERALS, ADYA CLARITY, HAIRLOSS, ALKALINITY, AND VITAMINERAL GREEN

2011-08-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

Howdy Doody,

We went for raw lunch today to Raw Can Roll Cafe' in Douglasville, PA! WOW! Holy Shlamoley, that was seriously THE most delicious raw meal i have had in FOREVER!

www.RawCanRollCafe.com

I got the Meditteranean plate with hummus, tabouli, salad with tahini vinaigrette, some flax crackers, and jicama potato salad. Kawabunga! Cliff got the hummus sandwhich. He missed the real "bread." We shared the guacamole appetizer which came gorgeous and with the crunchiest spicy corn chips ever, unreal, and I had a peice of the mango cashew cheezecake for dessert. Can you say frickin' fabu? And STUFFED! Big portions...and such unreal reasonable prices, i couldn't believe it.

Have you been there? GO THERE. NOW!!!

_ _ _

I worked 4 days in a row at Arnold's Way Raw Vegetarian Organic Cafe', where i've been working for about 4 years now. My doggies were KILLING me on my feet for 9 hours a day in a ROW, but it was a great 4 days.

We had some people in from Boston who said, "We've been around the country to raw food restaurants, and this was the BEST raw meal we've ever had!" Wow!

I'd made them the Burger Bundle (a raw burger wrapped in nori, inspired by how All The Way Live serves theirs), and the Toona Gorilla Wrap. I pride myself on my raw toona! Good enough to be world famous, i am telling you!

Very nice praise indeed! But after that meal today at sweet Sherryl Chavarria's place???? Raw Can Roll has us BEAT by MILES!! Beautiful, cozy, clean, modern, amazingly awesome food, inexpensive. Wowza.

_ _ _

I did pretty well with my food the last 4 days! No out of control behavior. Wowy kazowy!

I also have begun to concentrate on getting more greens in, drinking more green juices, taking green supplements like spirulina and vitamineral green, trying to get pumpkin seeds, and beets in, which were all suggested in such great comments by my amazing readers! THANK YOU!

I also just to happened to be gifted a free bottle of a natural supplement from dr. caffery's office (more later about him) with zinc and magnesium in it, so took that today, on the advice i need more zinc. I'm hoping all of these changes will help with the hair loss.

I should clarify, the hair is not coming out in "clumps," as i apparently said. I should have said it comes out in handfuls...like if i run my fingers through my hair??? uy. Lots of hair between my fingers, each time. Probably NOT a thyroid problem.

_ _ _

Susan and Mark Aman were in last night to Arnold's Way.

They are doing AMAZING on their mostly raw diet supplemented by natural supplements, and the daily sardines/quinoa breakfast prescribed by their holistic dr.

The rest of the day, Susan and Mark eat raw salads and fruit snacks.

The dr. (dr. caffery http://www.functionalneuro.com/ ) tests their blood monthly to see how they are doing. Caffery said to Mark, "You are both coming along marvelously. You continue to improve. And your hormones, Mark, are the most balanced of any male patients i have, it is astounding." Mark is feeling TREMENDOUS and he and Susan are elated to have found this holistic medical dr they have been seeing for more than half a year.

Caffery advised them, however, that their iron numbers are low. He asked them how they feel about supplementing their diet with a steak every so often. Susan loves meat (as i do), but Mark has not had meat in 25 years. He is open to the idea, however, BECAUSE he has seen what POSITIVE results he is getting by following Caffery's other recommendations.

If our aim is to feel good and be healthy, then why judge the route they are taking?

_ _ _

When Cliff and I were following Anna Inez's diet - fruit smoothies for breakfast, gluten free starches and salad for lunch, fish and salad for dinner, my urine tested DARK GREEN and BLUE on the PH Test Strips we keep in the bathroom.

However, in eating just 'regular gourmet' raw....my urine tested barely green this morning, really the strip stayed YELLOW.

I was MORE alkeline eating fish and quinoa than i am eating cashews (acidic). And my hair wasn't falling out then.

Discouraging. Interesting.

The reason I gave up the Anna Inez way was because i kept binge eating on leftover fish and quinoa and leftover gluten free pasta.

If i could only have some self control.

_ _ _

Man, o, manoshewitz, i love meat. I bet a nice steak would stop this hair loss! The ONLY reason i stopped eating meat was because i could eat an ENTIRE BRISKET myself! Maybe i'm barking up the wrong tree with this raw, i don't know.

Nevertheless, i stick with it because I think there is quite a lot of merit to it, but like Susan and Mark, it is apparent my diet needs modification.

_ _ _

A dear customer, Claire K. was in to Arnold's the other day, and we had such an amazing conversation. Claire, who has been extremely ill her whole life, had heavy metal poisoning, but never knew it until her blood was tested recently and her holistic practitioner said her heavy metal numbers were through the roof.

He suggested she try Matt Monarch's Adya Clarity (click here for info: http://www.therawfoodworld.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=&products_id=1004657&zenid=0jpjclpjm3krq9n80n9ddf5n80 ,
Claire is having great success using the product, seeing her heavy metal numbers go down and feeling so much better. "It is as if there were two parts of my body, the left and the right, and they were at war, and now, they're one."

The one drawback to taking the Adya Clarity, she says, is that as soon as she takes it, it completely knocks her out and she needs to lie down.

Hm. The Vitamineral Green i've recently begun taking, is doing the same thing!!!

AFter I take it, i feel ZONKED and need a NAP!! I'm following the dosage recommendation to start with a teaspoon, but that is strong stuff! At work on Friday, i felt AWFUL most of the day from taking it in the morning.

But i'm sincerely hoping it will add some minerals to my obviously mineral-poor raw diet. When i read the bottle, it seem to state it is high in minerals.

Click here for info: http://www.healthforce.com/shop?page=shop.product_details&flypage=garden_flypage.tpl&product_id=6&category_id=1

This morning I took it, and zonk, 20 mins later, i went out like a light until almost 10a.m., and then felt in a sleepy-fog through most of the day. It was only until after 3pm that i began to feel TREMENDOUS! Happy! Depression lifted! Positive! Energetic! Motivated!

WOW! Maybe it's working??

What an interesting raw journey!!

xoxo michelle joy

MICHELLE RESPONDS TO A READER

2011-08-11T02:32:00.001-07:00

Hey there,

I woke up super early this morning. I didn't eat a lot of fruit yesterday and had surprisingly good energy at work and didn't sleep much last night. I'm very intrigued by this.

After reading Angela Stokes' FAQS page, which i posted yesterday, i must say i felt very enlightened as to why i might be losing hair, experiencing stalled weight loss and depression.

I ascertain from the FAQS that Angela's advice would center around focusing the raw diet on greens (juices, salads, spirulina) and fat (avo, nuts, seeds), instead of on fruit, and taking regular colonics in such cases for hairloss, stalled weight loss, depression.

I received a passionate comment from Debbie who disagreed strongly with this prescription. I wanted to respond fully. My comment had too many words so i thought i'd make it a blog entry.

Thanks Debbie for your point of view and your passion. I appreciate your response, but am curious to investigate Stokes opinions/prescription more.

Here is Debbie's comment and my response below.

Wishing you a wonderful joyfilled day.

xoxo michelle joy

_ _ _

Hi Michelle,

I think Doug Graham (you're favorite) was very clear that you will have problems if you eat a lot fruit with fat. It seems he knew what he was talking about. If you look at what 80 10 10'ers eat every day and what Angela eats every day (she puts this in her blog), it's a no-brainer for me. Angela practically starves herself.

I'm feeling fantastic these days eating tons of fruit, some greens and NO NUTS, OILS, OR AVOCADOS. I have no hair loss, lots of energy and don't feel the need to pay someone to stick something up my butt (although I turn 50 this year and so my doctor says i should have a colonoscopy, so I guess I will pay someone to put something up my butt).

I just thought you should have a second opinion before you start spending money. Next thing, you'll be buying all kinds of supplements and you still won't feel great. You need to cut the fat out of your diet. JMO

Fruit is what we are meant to eat - just look at Megan.

_ _ _

Hi Debbie,

Is this Debbie of "Adventures in the Raw?" How ya doin? Last i read, you were not blogging and doing the paleo diet and feeling good but still desiring to be a fruitarian. If this is you, i'm glad you made it to fruitarian land! You sound ecstatic with it and like it is really working for you. I'm happy!

I hear what you are saying loud and clear. It is what i hear all day at work surrounded by fruitarians!

Let me address your points.

HAIRLOSS: I WAS losing my hair when i was working with doug graham and eating all fruit and a little greens. Frankly, i didn't like it then and i don't like it now. He didn't seem to have an answer for it and said it was genetic and that i should buy a wig.

My hair grew back on cooked over this last year. I don't know what to say about that. The way i'm seeing it, i must have been getting nutrients on cooked that i was missing??? I don't know.

Sure, Megan eats all fruit and doesn't lose her hair. She never had an issue with hairloss eigher. On the other hand, I ate all fruit and did. Hairloss may be one of those issues that affects individuals and not everyone as a whole, i'm thinking? Hairloss has been an issue of mine since high school days. I've always been thinning. Recently, it started to come out in handfuls after 11 weeks back on raw.

Instinctively, i started adding in Spirulina. Call me crazy, but i think it's working. Stokes advises Spirulina for hairloss. Wow, i thought, when i read that. That was my idea, too.

When i was at OHI, i took Barley Green 3x/day, juiced wheatgrass a few times a week (when i could stomach it) and drank green juice weekly. I should start that up again.

DOUG GRAHAM: Yes, you are correct, Doug Graham is not my favorite guy, but i don't see that as my fault. I would have been happy to adore him! I tried! It was really his arrogrant personality, lack of caring and lack of emotional sensitivity while we worked together that was hurtful. I wanted to love him. I'd run to my email to see what he said and would be devastated. On many occasions, i was in deep emotional detox and his lack of comfort was startling.

I've since talked to a fruitarian who knows Graham well and said he is renowned for doing poorly with counseling women, and is insensitive to women's issues in general. This fruitarian said women have more success working with his wife, that she is more sensitive and nurturing.

I would agree if a person needs comfort and nurturing as i apparently do, Doug Graham is not the person to give it.

STOKES RECOMMENDATION: The reason i'm so intrigued about what Angela suggests is because it sounds familiar. At OHI, we only ate watermelon for breakfast, no other fruit, ever.

And i had colonics regularly during my 8 mos there.

And my diet was mostly sprouts, greens, green juices, fermented foods, and fats - soaked seeds in seed cheeze and lots of flax crackers.

I did so well on this plan, losing all of that weight, 140 lbs, so quickly, in 8 mos.

I also exercised so much. I rarely felt depressed or lacking for motivation to exercise!!!

I'm intrigued because now i've been eating ALOT of fruit, mixed with a lot of fat, which i know is a bad mix, but wasn't sure which way to go with it. I didn't realize there is the Stokes option of getting rid of so much fruit and not seeing the fat as a bad thing. That she sees a diet higher in fat and greens as BETTER than a diet high in fruit is a radical concept coming from Arnold's Way, where Arnold prescribes fruitarian for everyone.

I try not to judge. I find it INTERESTING! Raw is certainly controvertial.

On a lot of fruit now, mixed with fat, I'm depressed, don't want to exercise.

Yes, I could go the 811 route and cut out all of the fat, but I've been completely resistant to doing that.

I'm going to decide to respect that resistance, investigate Angela's idea, and see what happens.

I think i'm just off balance. Stokes talks alot about miscombining. I think i've been doing a fair amount of that, eating something nutty followed by a huge banana shake. My energy goes way way down. So, maybe it's not necessarily that i'm eating "too much fat," but that i'm miscombining so poorly. Yesterday at work, i puposely focused on juices and fat and didn't eat much fruit to see what would happen. Much to my surprise, I was shocked to have energy all day and a distinct feeling of depression lifting. That was interesting to say the least. I also didn't need to sleep much.

When i think of Dustin Kellogg http://www.dustinkellogg.com/ , with his amazing raw chef wife, http://www.therawseed.com/, Meredith/Padmapani makes the best raw food i ever ate, I come away amazed. How did he lose over 100 lbs eating gourmet raw? I have asked this since DAY ONE of this blog.

I come to understand MAYBE the reason why? He didn't eat a lot of fruit.

From what i know, Dustin didn't exercise formally at all, juiced greens every morning, skipped lunch, and ate gourmet for dinner and some raw snacks later and didn't eat a lot of fruit.

FASCINATING!

Since i love gourmet, i've always been dying to get to get to a place of guilt-free gourmet eating. It fits my personality. It's so creative. It's so delish.

You always wanted to be a fruitarian. I never did. I always wanted to eat gourmet!

I understand the 811 philosophy, lived it for a short while, had multiple spurts of doing it for weeks on end, but i never wanted to do it fulltime. There was difficulty for me to indulge in gourmet raw with 811 because I'd gain weight immediately and in huge amounts.

Why was this happening??? I didn't understand why. At OHI, i routinely indulged in gourmet raw, felt like i was in heaven, ate it 1-4x/week, and the weight dropped off of me, and when i ate gourmet raw meals, my weight would go up 3 lbs, instead of 25-35 lbs like it would after 811.

I didn't eat a lot of fruit at OHI.

Also, when i ate gourmet raw at OHI, i rarely felt compelled to. After 811? I was like a fat sucking machine. It was like a horrible backlash. Many people on fruit at Arnolds feel that way about fat. When they taste it on 811, they want to dive into it and eat every fatty thing in sight.

The highly effective time in my life on raw at OHI....intrigues me continually. What was i doing to make it work then and why doesn't it now??? What i was doing there is closer to what Stokes prescribes.

COLONICS: Colonics don't really bother me philosophically. I was educated in raw on them at OHI. I think i did find benefit from them, so i'm not turned off to the idea of trying them again. Alot of raw foodists believe in them.

FRUITARIAN VS. OTHERS - I'm so glad all fruit and no fat is working for you and you are able to maintain that lifestyle long term, feeling great and not suffering any ill effects like hairloss or loss of energy. That is awesome!

I can honestly say with all my heart, i never wanted to be a fruitarian, and since i was introduced to raw on a totally not-fruitarian raw diet and did so well on it, 811 has never seemed like "the answer" to me.

Megan believes it is for her. I'm so glad! She is finding terrific benefits and is feeling great!

I also know another fruitarian who is suffering horrible effects from all sweet fruit. She is a mystery to Arnold, who advocates sweet fruit. She followed his prescription and did worse and worse, breaking out in a full body hives. She since visited Anna Inez, the raw healer i went to, who is a Natural Hygienist. Anna Inez put Joy on celery juice and took her OFF of ALL sweet fruit. Almost overnight, the hives dissappeared.

I also have another friend, Susan Aman, who has since added canned sardines into her and her husbands mostly raw diet...and they have never felt better. Susan and her husband were advised by their holistic dr to cut out so much fruit. As a result, they focus on greens, green juice, fat, and sardines. They say they are experiencing sky rocketing health as a result. They eat cooked quinoa and sardines for breakfast! Who am i to judge? Their holistic practitioner tests their blood monthly. When they were eating all of the fruit and felt poorly, Susan was losing her hair, too, and her nails were brittle like mine, their blood was so lacking, the dr said their health was, on a scale of 1-10, a 2. They have since climbed up the ladder on the scale. They do take some supplements. I don't judge, i just say, wow!

I don't know if there is one answer for everyone. I see a lot of variation of results at Arnold's Way.

WHAT ANGELA EATS: I do see what Angela eats daily and it's true, a lot of her calories come in the form of liquid - coconut water and juices.

And i saw her eat in person at her wedding and she eats very slowly, very deliberately and yes, small portions. Matt, her husband, advocates eating less and less food for good health, whereas Graham suggests eating more and more. Their viewpoints are radically opposed.

The fact that Graham was telling me to stretch my belly with 50 nectarines at a time so i wouldn't be hungry...seemed nuts. I don't know. It didn't appeal to me.

Angela seems to eat one gourmet meal a day, and she does have some fruit it seems every day.

When i was in OHI, i would eat 1x/day if i had a gourmet meal and just walked and walked and walked. My energy felt great.

OVERALL - I understand the philosophy 'we are supposed to eat fruit, we were made that way.' Well, at OHI, we ate ALOT of fruit - just not SWEET FRUIT. We ate lots of cucumber, tomato, peppers.

Frankly, I'm interested to experiment eating more greens, taking more Spirulina, beginning to juice again, let go of the vigilant fat counter....and see what happens.

I'd rather not judge...just experiment!

If i feel horrible, the hairloss doesn't stop, i gain weight and get more depressed, i'll listen to that! My tooth sensitivity has also been awful on all of the fruit.

Stokes says we can become "overly acidic" eating too much alkeline fruit. I'm curious to find out what that means!

I'll let you know if i feel better or worse!

Best to you,

xoxo michelle joy

ANGELA STOKES FAQS PAGE

2011-08-10T04:07:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks,

My new blog friend, Jamie, forwarded the below internet info page to me, which is incredibly enlightening, and specifically germaine to issues I am facing today as a return raw foodist: HAIR LOSS, STALLED WEIGHT LOSS, LACK OF ENERGY.

As you know, since returning to raw foods 11 weeks ago, my hair has been coming out in handfuls. A very frightening ordeal. After reading the information linked below, specifically the section entitled , "Is Hairloss Common For Raw Foodists?," I come away with new information regarding the possible cause of my hair loss (too much fruit, not enough greens/fats).

INTERESTING, especially since at OHI, we did not eat fruit past breakfast EVER and I experienced no hairloss there.

_ _ _

I have also been hoarse for the past 4 or 5 days seemingly without cause. August allergies? After reading the article, i am seriously considering that i may be experiencing some kind of a candida issue. Angela also states a possible reason for allergy flareups is TOXICITY and suggests PROBIOTICS and COLONIC ENEMAS.

At OHI, i did colonics weekly and I lost 140 lbs in 8 months.

In 11 weeks back on raw, i have not lost more than 30/40 lbs. It fluxuates depending on my level of activity and on how much emotional eating i do.

This has been discouraging.

_ _ _

Along the same lines, the possible cause for my feelings of depression and lethargy (at times) may also be due to a build up of toxicity and acidity. Angela, again, suggests COLONIC ENEMAS. Makes sense. If the system is overloaded, we feel blah. Who wants to exercise then?

_ _ _

THANK YOU
I'm very grateful to Jamie for forwarding the info and I will consider it thoughtfully. It seems to make sense!

I thought you might like to read through.

_ _ _

ANGELA STOKES FAQS PAGE
Angela started the RawReform.com website in 2004, sharing her story of raw-markable transformation and a 160 lbs weight loss. She has been answering peoples’ questions about raw lifestyles ever since and shares her answers to some of the most Frequently Asked Questions she has responded to over the years.

Here are just SOME of the numerous topics covered in the link found below.

HOW DO I GET STARTED EATING RAW? WHAT DO I EAT EACH DAY?

COULD THE RAW LIFESTYLE HELP ME WITH MY HEALTH CONDITION?

WHAT ABOUT LOOSE “SAGGING” SKIN AND STRETCH MARKS?

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT CANDIDA?

WHY AM I NOT LOSING WEIGHT WITH A RAW LIFESTYLE?

FOR WEIGHT LOSS IS IT BEST TO GO RAW OR DO A JUICE FEAST?

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR PROTEIN FROM?

IS HAIR LOSS COMMON FOR RAW FOODISTS?

I AM DIABETIC – HOW DO I GO RAW?

WHICH JUICER IS THE BEST?

I’M JUST STARTING OUT RAW – IS A JUICE FEAST A GOOD IDEA?

WHAT ABOUT VITAMIN B12?

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY ‘ALLERGIES’?

IS IT OK TO EAT A LOT IN THE BEGINNING OF GOING RAW?

CAN I JUST EAT MORE RAW FOODS AND BE HEALTHIER?

HOW MANY CALORIES SHOULD I CONSUME DAILY?

CAN YOU COMMENT ON TEETH ISSUES WITH A RAW LIFESTYLE?

HOW DO I EAT RAW ON THE ROAD?

WHAT HAPPENS IF I GO FROM EATING JUNK FOOD TO 100% RAW OVERNIGHT?

RECOMMENDED STARTER APPLIANCES?

DIFFERENT CLEANSE SUGGESTIONS?

HOW DID YOU START EATING RAW AND IS THIS A PRACTICAL LIFESTYLE IN TERMS OF FINANCES AND TIME?

DID YOU EVER EXPERIENCE ANY WEIGHT LOSS PLATEAUS?

IS IT GOOD TO DO A COLONIC AT THE START OF A JUICE FEAST?

WAS IT THE TYPES OF FOOD YOU ATE THAT LED YOU TO BE OBESE?

DO YOU HAVE ANY GUIDANCE FOR HEALING IBS?

CAN I BE 80% RAW AND HEALTHY?

ANGELA STOKES FAQS PAGE LINK: http://www.therawfoodworld.com/blog/?page_id=1097

xoxoxo michelle joy

FOCUSING ON OUTPUT INSTEAD OF INPUT

2011-08-04T20:15:00.001-07:00

I took an hour's walk after work tonight.

Usually, i just go home dog tired after work and plotz on the sofa.

But I seem to have arrived in a new wonderful cycle of movement and energy. The hour walk Cliff and I took on the Atlantic City boardwalk yesterday did me so good. First of all, it felt so good, and secondly, it seemed to have positive effects on my body, such as decreased reflux, increased digestion, increased mobility and increased energy. At work today, even though i ate a fair share of nutty things, i had so much energy!

I want to keep up in this direction. I know how exercise is, if you let it go a day, suddenly you don't "feel" like it, so i want to keep on this new positive train...and not allow myself to get derailed.

It occurred to me that focusing on exercising can only do me good:
-It will burn calories.
-It will rev my metabolism.
-It will help me lose inches and tone up and look better, even if i don't lose pounds.
-It will allow me to eat the raw foods I like, like the raw burger from All The Way Live, guiltfree. -It will help me to be more in tune with my hunger levels, since it will probably make me hungrier, my signals will be louder.
-I'll get more restful sleep.
-I'll have more energy.
-I'll be less stressed.
-I'll sing better as I'll be in better shape.
-I'll probably lose weight.
-I'll gain strength.
Etc...Etc...Etc...!

My tendency is to overeat at times and to eat sometimes when i'm not hungry, so, why keep feeling bad about failing there, constantly. Why not focus elsewhere?

If i stopped obsessing about INPUT (what goes in the mouth), and just did the BEST i could daily to eat when i am HUNGRY and stop when i am FULL, and switch my focus to OUTPUT (the energy i'm putting out), I'd feel less guilty all of the time and i'd feel more easy going about raw. Every little thing i ate wouldn't be such a disasterous big deal. I'd be burning it up! It sounds like a good direction to me!

METABOLISM
When i came home from OHI and began working at Arnold's, I had been working out DAILY for 8 months, walking and swimming for hours a day!!! My metabolism was SUPERCHARGED! No matter what i ate raw, pie all day, raw bread all day, i didn't gain ONE POUND for an entire year! I was in a blissful state with raw where I could eat "whatever i wanted," and never gained a pound, due to increased overall fitness.

DIETING/BINGE EATING
There was a time on this blog when i lost a lot of weight quickly by cutting out the fat and salt on 811. The only problem was, i couldn't and didn't WANT to maintain the strict 811 way of life - I binged OUT...on gourmet raw chronically. I couldn't get enough of it when i ate it, because i knew i "couldn't" have it again soon.

What's more, I would routinely gain 20-30 lbs on these binges. I suppose my fitness level and metabollism must have been DOWN during this time for FOOD to have such a disasterous effect on my WEIGHT.

This feeling that every little thing i ate was going to HARM me DISASTEROUSLY and cause me to GAIN WEIGHT IMMEDIATELY was terrible for me psychologically.

I've since come to believe that raw "dieting" doesn't work for my particular psychology, in the longrun, since it creates that backlash effect (binge eating) and I only gain the pounds i lost quickly....right back quickly, anyway.

A NEW WAY
During these 10 weeks back on raw, i decided i wanted to discover a better balance for myself, a lifestyle instead of a diet, that considered my obvious need for food pleasure. Why DENY that?

This new raw lifestyle, about 50% gourmet raw, 50% fruit, focusing on HUNGER/FULLNESS, and now opening the door to that crucial component of SERIOUS exercise, seems a saner option for me. Not so black and white. I don't have to be so....ANAL and OBSESSED about food, nor so FEARFUL about IT or my WEIGHT.

Binge eating has also SO severely decreased over these 10 weeks. This is just so much better for me in the long run for me.

FOCUS ON FITNESS INSTEAD OF WEIGHT
Weight loss hasn't been super fast, 40 lbs in 10 weeks. And seeing that trend...sends me looking in another direction. I could always do BETTER with food, but seem to be doing as well with food as I can, so let's look elsewhere, i told myself.

Stop beating a dead horse (diet focus) and just EXERCISE!

Yesterday, an hour, today, an hour, hopefully tomorrow an hour. I'm certain that with the increased exercise, I am going to be seeing better results. How could i not?

POSITIVE EXERCISE ATTITUDE
How silly of me to neglect exercise, negatively thinking, "it won't help."

Just look at Megan's body and you see how much she's changed in a year, from twiggy to shapely and you'll see how much exercise helps.

Just look what it did for me at OHI when i lost 140 lbs in 8 months walking my butt off, still eating gourmet raw several times a week.

INPUT/OUTPUT
How much energy we expend is a very important part of the whole equation. Energy in. Energy out. Naturally, we have to hit BOTH targets optimally to really kick losing into overdrive.

But with my eating disorder to consider (I don't want to flare it up with strict "dieting,"), until i can fundamentally REDUCE my food intake or adjust my raw food choices sufficiently to produce better weight loss, I'm going to focus on OUTPUT. I seem to have more control in that area, anyway, so why shouldn't i focus there?

I have a feeling that placing my focus on exercise more and allowing the focus on the food to go, I'll end up being being happier, more relaxed, and, paradoxically, more "in control" of my food than ever! Sometimes you have to "lose control" to gain it. Getting more and more into fitness and moving, and relaxing about food is going to be....wonderfully FREEING! I'm excited to see where this new idea leads!

xoxo michelle joy

WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T EAT HEALTHY ON THE BOARDWALK!

2011-08-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Street vendors on the Jersey Boardwalk sell endless treats like....pretzels, hot dogs, pizza, salt water taffy, funnel cakes, cotton candy, and the like...

So if you're RAW, what do you do? Give up and give in???

No way!

I want to share with you HOW EASY it is to STAY RAW AT THE SHORE!

_ _ _

TAKE FOOD WITH YOU and NEVER LEAVE TOWN WITHOUT YOUR COOLER and freezer packs!
We're back from 2 lovely days at the Jersey Shore...and I'm 10 WEEKS RAW, today, pooped from so much exercise and sun, and excited to share with you how easy it is to stay raw at the shore!

Driving to visit friends staying in Sea Isle City, NJ, Cliffy and I stopped at a wonderful FARMER'S MARKET and picked up some fresh picked corn, fresh Jersey tomatoes, tree ripened ripe peaches and plums, cherries and cukes for my seashore meals.

We stored these in our COOLER with BLUE FROZEN ICEPACKS.

We had also brought with plenty of romaine lettuce with us from home in the igloo.

_ _ _ _

BRING YOUR OWN DRESSING
I never go away without taking my bag of raw salad dressing fixings: raw vinegar, celtic salt, garlic powder, olive oil, a bag of germinated dried sunflower seeds. (I usually use agave in my salad, brought it, but didn't use it this trip!)

Between produce, salad fixings and raw dressing ingredients, all of that would keep me pretty well covered for the weekend.

_ _ _

KEEP A KNIFE, DISPOSABLE PLATES AND SILVERWEAR in your car....always!
When we got to our hotel room, I had a luscious salad of romaine with fresh ripe Jersey tomato and germinated sunflower seeds dressed in raw vinegar, olive oil, garlic powder and a little celtic salt on a disposable plate. I keep a pack of these in the car at all times. They come in so handy!

This salad was surprisingly fantastically delish. Sometimes SIMPLE is just the BEST. I finished my meal with a sweet corn on the cob, raw. Yum!

_ _ _ _ _

PRACTICE GRATITUDE...AND ENJOY!
The beautiful summer shore day was turning out to be a spectacular one when we reached our friends at the beach. Slightly cool breezes with a moderately hot sun. We swam and frolicked in the ocean for hours, layed out and got sunburnt and bit by green flies (!!!), chatted, visited, enjoyed! The hours went by like wooosh.

We snacked on fruit that we brought in our bag with us when we got hungry!

Laying on my big beach towel on the beach, the sun kissing my skin, cool breezes gently blowing sand in my face, the transcendent sound of waves lapping, I noticed a feeling of supreme contentment and relaxation, and a distinct departure from THINKING ABOUT FOOD.

I said to Cliff, "You know, the whole time we were on the beach, i didn't think of food ONCE?!!!"

Later, I went for a lovely walk with Teresa on the Sea Isle boardwalk. So nice!

I bought Teresa's parents, our lovely hosts, some yummy seashore fudge!

_ _ _

A TASTE ALWAYS TURNS INTO A BINGE
The fudge looked SO GOOD when we opened it up back in their apartment! Why didn't i bring some raw chocolate with me?

Good thing i rarely crave cooked anymore, cause this looked GOOD, but i know what will (eventually) happen if i indulge, so I don't. What amazes me is the lack of the impulse to grab for it. Amazing! My stomach doesn't growl for cooked food anymore and my impulses are under control. It's been 10 weeks raw!

For dinner at Peg and Joes, the most accomodating friends i have, they always have raw choices available, i enjoyed fruit salad for appetizer, 2 more pieces of raw corn that they supplied!, fresh tomato sliced and seasoned with salt, pepper and fresh basil that they supplied!, 1 flax wrap eaten plain, yum, that i brought, and more yummy fruit salad for dessert.

I did feel a little sorry for myself at dinner time that i "couldn't" (choose not to) partake of the cooked yummies offered, especially the pepperoni bread and the olive focaccia, but i know where it would lead, so i soon forgot about it. Believe me, if i would have indulged, i'd have had a hard time forgetting about it! One bite and i'd want to eat the whole thing!

_ _ _ _

SELF DEPRECATION can work!
Make fun of yourself before anyone else can!

Peggy is so accomodating with raw, but she still doesn't really 'get it.'

At one point, I made the following comment when she was looking at my raw flax wrap like it was an alien....

"Oh, it's like a flat bread made from flax seeds. Wanna taste?"

She didn't.

I said, self depracatingly, "You'd think I'd be rail thin for all of this effort!" and laughed it off.

She sympathized with me then, instead of judging me. At least she can be impressed I stick to something "crazy," even if she doesn't understand it.

_ _ _

FEEL YOUR FEELINGS, BUT DON'T EAT
It is a constant frustration - the dichotomy between being the fattest person eating the leanest, and the normal people eating the "fattening stuff," only they're not fat. This often gets to me, but i sit with it, and it soon passes.

_ _ _

KNOW IF YOU ARE AN ADDICT
Just as an alcoholic finds it almost impossible to control his liquor, i find it difficult not to binge on cooked, but normal people tend not to get it.
After I explained to Lucille why i was eating RAW corn, I commented, "I'm....ehh, i'm just not NORMAL with food."

"Yes you are," she replied.

No i'm not.

I've been to 4 Hospital Eating Disorder Units.

I corrected her. "Well, actually i'm NOT. I've been heavy my whole life. I think i've been thin ONCE in my adult life, but it was very short lived. If i didn't do raw, i'm convinced i'd be one of those fat people stuck in bed."

Realizing how much BIGGER i COULD makes me feel like not such a huge fat failure health freak faking her way through raw.

I'm a success! THINGS COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE, and Thank GOD, for today, they are NOT.
_ _ _

BACK UP YOUR ARGUMENTS WITH EVIDENCE
Later, I commented to Peg, who was having a hard time understanding the raw choice, "You see that bowl of chips there? If i'd eat one, i'd have to eat the whole bowl. It's easier for me not to eat any than to torture myself with one."

It's difficult to have to EXPLAIN myself to people. RAW in social situations can be very CHALLENGING.

I find the BEST way to cope is to explain what RAW does for ME. I am NOT trying to push it on ANYONE. I say, "I really find it just helps me CONTROL MYSELF." Adding some weight loss accomplishment to that seems to drive the point home. "I've lost about 40 lbs of the weight i gained, so i'm happy about that." People usually drop it if then....

_ _ _ _

ORDER SMART
In the evening, i was a little hungry. We passed a smoothie vendor with real cut up fresh fruit in a large refrigerated display case. Ahha! THIS is the best kind of place to order a smoothie, i have found! ....From a Mexican vendor, who has REAL fruit, and not just boxed fruit juices. This is how i ordered:

"Hi there! Would it be possible to get a large smoothie with just cut up fruit, ice, and plain water? No sugar syrups, no yogurt or dairy, no powders?"

The young Mexican girl, answered, making a face, "It would really taste bad!"

I smiled and said, "That's okay, that's just how i make it at home, i'll like it!"

She succombed and made me a smoothie with water, ice, strawberries, mangoes and a banana.

It was fine!

_ _ _

KEEP HYDRATED
This morning we awoke early and went out to go for a walk on the Atlantic City boardwalk.

Dissappointingly, I was having a terrible time waking up and finding the energy to walk. I sat and looked at the water.

"Cliff," I observed, "i think i must be dehydrated, because my mouth is dry and i have absolutely NO energy."

We headed to Starbucks for 2 supersize herbal iced teas, unsweetened. I drank both and they did the trick.

Back out on the boardwalk, i felt like a new person. "You know, half of the time that you feel TIRED and like you have no ENERGY and you drink a coffee, you might just be dehydrated. I feel so so so much better after those drinks!"

_ _ _

FOCUS ON OUTPUT (EXERCISE). INPUT (FOOD) TAKES CARE OF ITSELF IF YOU PLAN AHEAD!
We walked from below the Tropicana all the way to the Taj Mahal and back! That was more than a mile each way! And that was just the ONE walk we did that morning!

_ _ _

AFTER YOU LOOK AT SHRUNKEN HEADS, YOU WILL FEEL NORMAL
After a fabu visit to the RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT Museum, I ate a breakfast of 1 peach and 1 plum back at the hotel room!

_ _ _

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, AND FOCUS ON NATURE.
After check-out, we drove to Brigantine, NJ, to explore! We went seashell hunting and I enjoyed lunch on the beach - I had a salad of romaine, tomato and germinated sunflower seeds, with my same dressing as the other day, and a fresh raw corn. Scrumptious!!

I'm telling you, this has become one of my alltime favorite lunches!

MICHELLE'S FAVORITE "BEACH" LUNCH
On a disposable plate:
-Shred up 1 head of romaine
-Sprinkle celtic salt on it, about 2 pinches
-Sprinkle raw vinegar over top, about 1 Tbsp
-Sprinkle cold pressed organic extra virgin olive oil on top, about 1/2 Tbsp-1Tbsp (you don't need much)
-Sprinkle 2 handfuls of dehydrated germinated sunflower seeds on top, about 1/2 cup
-Cut up one fresh ripe tomato and put on top
-Sprinkle garlic powder over top, about 1 tsp

Smoosh salad together to get dressing distributed and...enjoy with a disposable fork!

Follow with an ear of fresh raw corn!
YUM!

*I usually add agave to my dressings, but since i ate this salad with sweet fresh picked raw corn on the side, i didn't need a sweet element in my salad!

_ _ _

BUYING LOCAL IS EVEN HEALTHIER THAN BUYING ORGANIC!
With fresh summer produce at it's peak, it really PAYS to BRING your own food...because there is nothing more DELISH than LOCAL PRODUCE!

Would you rather order a dissappointing salad OUT and have a plate of watery iceberg lettuce and pale pink tomatoes staring at you????

BRING YOUR OWN STUFF! Buy AT THE PEAK OF FRESHNESS! BUY THE BEST RIPEST LOCAL STUFF YOU CAN GET! It has the MOST nutrition! It has been determined that local produce has MORE nutrition than ORGANIC when it is shipped from a distance. There is nothing that beats FRESH PICKED LOCAL PRODUCE!

_ _ _ _

KNOW THE RAW PLACES TO GO FOR A TREAT
Later, in Ocean City, NJ, we visited a favorite healthy spot called BASHFUL BANANA for a scrumptious banana whip. What a wonderful raw treat!

Slurping my whip from a spoon, I said to Cliff, "You know, this just makes me feel NORMAL to be able to have a TREAT at the shore like everyone else!"

http://oceancity.patch.com/articles/bashful-banana-who-says-you-cant-eat-healthy-on-the-boardwalk

_ _ _ _

VISIT THE FARMERS MARKETS!
Dog tired for all of the walking and swimming, we drove home! On the way home, we stopped at the same FARMERS MARKET we'd stopped at before to pick up more fruit for home - a fresh ripe watermelon, a cantaloupe, more plums, nectarines and peaches.

_ _ _

So, what is the moral of the story?

If you: *plan ahead and *pack your special raw stuff, *always bring your igloo and freezer packs, * always bring a knife, *always bring disposable plates and utensils, *visit farmers markets and buy local, *when buying food on the boardwalk, be vigilant about ordering smartly and pro-actively, *focus on making your own food instead of eating out - it tastes so much BETTER!, *focus on gratitude and enjoying your vacation and forget about food - "FOOD IS FUEL, NOT ENTERTAINMENT", *don't give into temptation, not ONE BITE, *notify friends of what you can eat, but ALWAYS COME prepared (I always bring a bag of food with me), *know how to defend your choices for the inevitable 20 questions about raw, *stay honest with yourself and others, *feel your feelings and learn to make peace with discomfort, *keep hydrated and exercise so you can continue to feel well, *maintain your sense of humor and laugh at yourself, *focus on nature and learn how to get out of your "head," - this is a crucial skill...an eating disorder is afterall, a mental illness, we must know how to observe food thoughts/obsession/guilty, etc..., without getting sucked 'in', *know where to find good raw treats...and most importantly, *STAY COMITTED....It is EASY to STAY RAW at the shore!

xoxo michelle joy

CANCELED SINGING AT THE FESTIVAL

2011-07-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

My apologies to all if you wanted to come to the Vibrant Living Festival to hear me sing! I've let the festival coordinators know that i'm unable to sing tomorrow, but am late notifying you...

I am terribly hoarse after my last voice lesson and I'm afraid that i would hurt myself to sing tomorrow morning on a swollen throat.

I look forward to singing for you another time when i am feeling better!

xoxo michelle joy

RAW ODDS AND ENDS.....

2011-07-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

IT'S A HAIRY SITUATION

When i was raw for 3.5 years, the hair on the top of my head was thinner than ever.

When i went OFF of raw for an entire year (and binged continually and gained over 100 lbs), my hair GREW IN and you couldn't see through the top of my head (a horse shoe shape of exposed scalp) anymore. When i combed through my hair or washed it, hardly any hair came out.

9 weeks into raw, and everytime i put my fingers through my hair now, it's like 25 hairs come out. Each time. I could run my fingers through my hair 10x in a row, and each time i produce hair with roots.

The other day when i said i felt like i was going crazy, i just kept doing that, over and over again, and hair just kept coming out, over and over and over again. I was in a panic, crying.

Is this detox and "nothing to worry about, it'll grow back" like everyone says, although it never grew back when i was raw for 3.5 years?

The major reason i've turned back to raw is because I BELIEVE it helps to control my compulsive binge eating. I really do BELIEVE it helps.

So, I'm a little frightened to start eating fish or cooked greens or beans or starches again because they're so freaking delish, i binge on them, but if it would help, at this point, i'm feeling like i might consider it....

Any insight?

_ _ _ _

IT'S A WEIGHTY MATTER
I weighed myself for the 3rd time in 9 weeks yesterday. I am really doing well with restraining myself from hopping on the scale daily. It really effects my mood, so i've given it up.

I was pleased to see I am down 40 lbs since starting back to raw 9 weeks ago and down 90 in total. I'm happy with the -40, as my MAIN GOAL is to eradicate binge eating.

I'm working a process of finding balance for myself with raw that includes PLEASURE eating (gourmet raw), considers HEALTH (low fat raw), and marries the two into a LONG-TERM liveable raw diet that i don't have to go ON and OFF of.

In doing that, weight loss may take a little longer, but it will be permanent and I won't be a binge eater anymore. That's more important than ANYTHING.

_ _ _

EARN YOUR BREAKFAST
I was very motivated by Megan's exercise video, "Hate exercise? So did I!" If you haven't watched it, you can find it on a blog entry below.

Towards the end of the video, Megan (a former sedentary person, 85 lbs heavier), speaks about the immense importance of discipline and consistency with exercise. She teaches to do as she has become accustomed to: "Exercise...even when you don't feel like it."

Her words were very powerful to me, especially seeing the HUGE changes in her body over the last year. I've only known Megan as a rail thin-type body. (She lost her excess weight before i knew her.) But in time that she's been working out with weights, running and rock climbing, the amount of muscle the little spitfire has packed on over the last year is amazing. From twiggy legs....to shaplier and shaplier every DAY....right before my eyes! Those legs are gorgeous! I can see her thigh muscles popping out in the video!

I'm amazed at what a year can DO!

Megan practices "earning her breakfast" by exercising in the morning BEFORE eating breakfast. This is a teaching from my boss, Arnold Kauffman, of Arnold's Way, and it is a hard one, but a good one to follow and consider.

_ _ _

Cliff and I just got back from a walk. I enjoyed a wonderful smoothie and am looking forward to lunch now. I earned it!

_ _ _ _

FOCUSING ON "ENERGY"
Overeating nuts/fats/salt de-energize me. When i eat them in moderation, I feel good!

Thursday and Friday at work, I kept the fats and nuts to a minimum, and I had energy all day at work!

So did Arnold. We even discussed it how we noticed it in each other. Both of us had not had a lot of nuts or fat or salt and we both felt energetic all day!

In fact on FRIDAY, I felt immensely energized, like i wanted to jump out of my skin! I felt like i could run a marathon!

_ _ _

Cliff took me to OASIS LIVING FOODS in FRAZER, PA on Saturday. We got raw lunch to go, for us, and for our friend, who we were going to go visit, and I bought some raw goodies for myself.

At our friends', I ate 1/2 of my nori roll with brazil nut pate, and 1/2 of a lime tart, eating until the hungry feelings went away and until i felt pleasantly satisfied, not 'stuffed,' just comfortably full.

Immediately after lunch, I felt so energized, my legs were, like, percolating! I wanted to walk!What an amazing feeling that overcomes you with raw food when you follow your bodies needs, eat just enough, and then feel like you could run a marathon!!!

Unfortunately, Cliff and our friend wanted to SIT and relax and chat!

Here i am feeling this most amazing feeling of actually MY BODY telling me it wanted to move....and i HAD to SIT!!! What an awful feeling not being able to move when you actually WANT to!

I should have excused myself and gone for a walk!!!

_ _ _

So what did i do?

I ate.

I snacked on some on my raw goodies, ate the other half of my lunch, and the spielkes in my legs dissappeared.

I de-energized....MYSELF!

_ _ _

When we finally left, i didn't want to move at all I was so irritated because i'd had the feeling of energy percolating in my legs, which doesn't come often, and I chose not to respond to it, but to stuff it down and shut it up. I'd failed myself.....

Nevertheless, even though I didn't "want" to, we forced ourselves to the gym and water walked together! Good job, Cliff and Michelle!

The blahs about failing myself vanished and we had such a nice time. 30 mins was enough to feel we did "something." It was really lovely, just me and my 'Bunky'!

(We've since been back to the gym pool together 3x for water walking...together! We love it!)

_ _ _

When we got home, i was feeling hungry. It was almost 8pm. A smoothie would be the PERFECT light meal. So what did i do? I ate the leftover Oasis Living Foods Brazil nut pate with flax crackers! The next morning i woke up and felt zapped of energy.

LESSON: Next time I go to Oasis, buy only what i can eat for one meal, otherwise I'll eat the whole thing in one day and don't get the pleasure of feeling energized!

I need to remind myself: MY GOAL is TO LIMIT RAW DE-ENERGIZING FOODS TO INCREASE and MAINTAIN MY ENERGY LEVELS.

This turning from a focus on "losing weight" to "gaining energy" is actually quite refreshing! Losing weight should take care of itself if I'm constantly in a state of feeling like I want to move because i've eaten lightly enough...and then move! I enjoy my food more. I just FEEL better!

Keeping my energy up is now becoming a goal. Why? Because I've discovered, it feels so freaking good to feel energized!

_ _ _

CONCLUSION:

On this journey, I will encounter troubling side effects, like losing my hair, but I've learned not to "throw the baby out with the bath water."

I obviously have a lot to learn, and I'm learning more and more every day.

I also recognize that my eating disorder and weight problem is so complex and multi-layered, I won't cure it overnight. Some days I'll progress forward in some departments, other days, i'll step backwards.

But if I keep examining my behavior, keep focusing on gaining positive energy and ways to do that, like earning my breakfast, I'm bound to get better, eventually!

xoxo michelle joy

THE NATURAL WAVES OF EMOTIONS

2011-07-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

Howdy, folks!

Well, you know that day i had in Princeton, NJ, on Wed after my voice lesson, when i was sitting with Cliff at the pizza shop crying because i felt so depressed, watching everyone eat pizza, and thinking hopeless thoughts, and hating the way i looked in my reflection in the storefront windows?

Well, I've really turned a corner!

I feel SO much better today! I feel like a rainbow that's broken free from dark clouds!

I guess that's the advantage to feeling your feelings. It's no fun in the moment, but you get to move through them quicker than you would if you interrupt the flow with unneeded food. If you cork the feelings up, the self hatred persists and you never get to say the next day, "Wow, i feel so much better!" You just continue to feel like shit because you hate yourself for eating now too.

Hating yourself for eating is also a convenient excuse. What's really behind it? What really do you hate about yourself that you're afraid to look at?

Today was my 2nd day at work where i didn't compulsively eat raw nut pate' all day, YES!, and because of the lighter fare and just eating when i was hungry, I had energy all day, and I was even hungry when i got home from work! I just had some watermelon, mmm!

I can't believe how well and happy i feel tonight. I thought my period would be unbearable and that i wouldn't be able to make it through the day.

I hardly slept last night.

I was still up. Around midnight, I listened to my voice lesson tape from Wednesday.

I sounded like shit!

I've been trusting this new teacher who apparently is taking me down a path that is having a dileterious effect on my voice. I'm sounding worse, not better.

The problem with the voice is we HAVE to RELY on others EARS to tell us how we're doing. My teacher says, "Great," and i believe him. Cliff sits with me at my lessons, but he thinks i always sound great, even if i sound like shit. I'm really glad he bought me the amazing digital recorder he did and that i've been taping my lessons. When i finally listened in, I recognized i'm way off track vocally. That i was hoarse after the lesson was a big clue, too. Arturo is so wonderful and i adore him, but his technique seems to not be working for me.

Looking around for a "new technique" (this is the 2nd teacher i've tried in 6 months) has the flavor of how i look for new diets. Should i do THIS one? Or THIS one? No, this one? No, this one. Trying to figure out what is the "correct" technique to sing is so akin to finding out which is the "correct" diet. There are so many choices. How do you choose?

When it all comes down to it, we have to be so honest with ourselves and just ask ourselves, "What works for me?" And go back to basics. Go back to what works.

Arturo's lessons leave me hoarse and irritated. Something is not right. Either it's HIM or it's ME. I need to figure this out.

Nevertheless, how do you negotiate and navigate through the mine field of emotions around all of that? I wrote out my feelings of anger, distrust, etc... in a letter to him.

Smartly, I didn't send them. One always needs time to decide, not in the heat of the moment, "Do i really want to send this letter?" I've learned that one the hard way. Best not to burn bridges.

You would have thought i'd have had an awful day at work on only 4 hours of sleep and my period, and, before work, i sat Cliff down, I poured out my heart to him, told him how i feel about EVERYTHING, US, the HOUSE, ARTURO, my need for more WORK, just EVERYTHING. Instead of feeling awful from FEELING....i feel so much BETTER!

Food never made me feel BETTER!!!

I'm working the "process."

I'm not stuffing, binging.

This is some serious fabulous SHIT, people!

My clothing even feels a little baggier on me today, and my face looks thinner....after just 2 days of doing better with the food!

There is SO much HOPE today, I want to shout it! "Don't give up!" Even in the darkest times, don't ever give up! It gets BETTER!

And if you don't stuff your feelings down with food, you get the pleasure of waking up the next morning with some self pride!

Arnold's Way is a wonderful place with such dear friends and coworkers. I long to spend time with my ladies at the store. When we have our girls days, like we did today, with Joy and Megan and Steff and me all at the store, man, it is just SO MUCH FUN!

Exercise is calling me...and I think i will venture out tomorrow. I needed these two good days under my belt to feel....worthy enough to get back out there.

Depression is like a black cloud hanging over you.

It lifts!

If you let it!

During these 9 plus weeks of raw, I may have not lost a TON of weight, but i'll tell you one thing. I'm becoming a non-binge eater. I've had maybe 2 SMALL binges during these entire 9 weeks and some episodes of overeating, but overeating and binge eating are two horses of a different color. I'm doing frickin' fabulous!

Arnold asked me today, "What do you want?"

And when i thought about it, i honestly realized that i want to stop binge eating. Even MORE than i want to lose weight. That's why the slow weight progress is actually not SO unbearable, because i know if i stop binge eating, i will eventually lose all of my weight...and keep it OFF, permanently!

I know I can lose weight FAST, and then gain it back fast. There's lots of evidence of THAT on this blog.

Today, I want to overcome binge eating completely so that i will never be plagued with it again!!! And so i can help OTHER women suffering.

Don't plug up the hole you express yourself from! Let it flow! Tears, anger, depression....all give way to happiness, fun, JOY. LET IT OUT, BABY!

Trust me. I wouldn't lie to you.

And, everyday that i feel and acknowledge the pain of that little unloved girl inside me, the one that somebody out there gave up for adoption, the one that feels unwanted and unloved,....the little girl that was touched inappropriately by people she was supposed to be able to trust, the one that has trust issues today because of that, the one that learned HER feelings didn't matter.... Everyday i FEEL and really EXPERIENCE that pain....and work THROUGH it...instead of stuffing it, brings me closer to LIFELONG FREEDOM FROM BINGE EATING.

What have i been running away from all of these years? From feeling that DEEP PAIN? It is deep. And it does hurt when you sit with it. This morning talking to Cliff i told him i felt like i was going insane. I'm not. But when you feel deeply and don't binge or plug it up, you feel out of control. Binge food is like car brakes. You stop the flow. Out of fear. You're stronger than you realize. You can do it. Get to the other side and let yourself SEE that you made it!

DON'T BE AFRAID to confront your core belief that you're not good enough and that no one wants you. Because when you wake up the next day, the grey clouds have passed, and you realize that, yes, people DO want you, and yes, you ARE good enough.

YES, YOU ARE!

Ride the natural waves of emotions....and soon the binge days will be gone.

xoxo michelle joy

STAYING INSPIRED TO MOVE THAT BODACIOUS BOD!

2011-07-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

LaRhonda BEFORE....

And LaRhonda AFTER......!

LaRhonda lost 202 lbs with trainer, Chris Powell, on EXTREME MAKEOVERS WEIGHT LOSS EDITION.

LaRhonda's episode on hulu.com:

Oh my god, I cried buckets as I watched LaRhonda's journey unfold on a past MAKEOVERS episode i missed.

LaRhonda is an incredible woman, so persistent, such a hard worker, she never gave up, she worked out 5 hours a day, 6 days a week for an entire YEAR!

I am SO INSPIRED to get MOVING again! (I got discouraged and it's been about 2 weeks since i've formally moved..... As a result, i've put on weight, even though i'm more than 9 weeks raw...)

Back to amazing LaRhonda - When LaRhonda went off of her low fat food plan a few times during the year, she never let it set her back, learning to "not eat the whole bag," and continued with her exercises and dieting...like nothing happened!

...She's unflappable...and i'm flappable!!! What's the difference between us?

Well, LaRhonda has a REALLY REALLY REALLY strong faith in God, is a STRONG BELIEVER, and it shows. She's not only a gorgeous woman as a super size 445 lbs, and a stunner at 230 lbs, but her inner beauty and Spirit, strong CHARACTER, and POSITIVE UPBEAT ATTITUDE radiate and shine from the inside out!

You know that bible verse about someone withOUT faith buidling their 'house' on 'sand'? That's the difference between us. LaRhonda relies on GOD...and I lose faith so frequently...

_ _ _

LaRhonda teaches me more than the importance of STRONG SPIRITUALITY.

She reminds me of Jack LaLayne's famous words, that "EXERCISE IS THE KING," and "DIET IS THE QUEEN,".....and that diet 'fudges' don't do much harm when you're metabolism is burning on overdrive!

LaRhonda also reminds me why my days at OHI worked - EXERCISE, duh!

At OHI, I was walking and swimming for hours daily! And, incidentally, i ate a low fat raw diet.

BUT, and this is the big one - my low fat raw diet was supplemented OFTEN by incredibly delicious succulent high fat raw 4-course meals....at Ranchos and Cilantros - sometimes as much as 4x a week! My body was in BURNING MODE from daily hours of walking and swimming and i lost 140 lbs in 8 months even though i was eating raw PIE, GUACAMOLE, OIL on my salad, raw CHOCOLATES, etc..., SEVERAL times a week!!!

In the last 2 weeks, i GAIN eating those very SAME foods.

What is different? I'm sedentary for 2 weeks!

_ _ _ _

I had a singing lesson on Wednesday and my teacher said, "You are a VERY GOOD SINGER." Arturo was a PROFESSIONAL opera singer, who sang with so many famous opera stars, even Aprile Milo, one of my idols! What a lovely compliment! Cliff said I am sounding better and better and more and more "connected" at every lesson!

_ _ _

RAW EMOTIONS

Oh, I was so depressed all day Wednesday after my lesson. :-((

I just cried and cried... "But you had such a great lesson?" Cliff said.

I did. But i have so far to go still. And from my vantage point that day, not only singing, but my diet and weight and life...just seemed hopeless, like nothing would ever get better. I will honestly tell you that the thought to be suicidal even came over me. It was just a thought, like, "Nothing will ever get better, so what is the POINT of living?" Life can look so BLEAK when we filter the world through the lenses of failure.

Yesterday, every storefront i passed, I saw myself and how fat i am and i hated how i looked.

_ _ _

In Ohio, i was loving how i looked, i'd lost 50 lbs and was rocking a new raw vibe, exercising and eating lightly and a gourmet meal for dinner, and losing...and finding my balance!

And then i lost it... and with that, came discouragement. And overeating gourmet. And stopping exercise. And feeling HOPELESS AGAIN. And questioning what was WRONG with me? And questioning if i should CHANGE MY DIET again.

I was at the pizza shop with Cliff. Why can everyone ELSE eat pizza and be thin? What is WRONG with me? In the car driving home from North Jersey, i was staring at my fat arms in the rear view mirror on my side and was just disgusted. Do i really LOOK like that???? I never really examine my rolls so close up. Why did no one in the pizza shop look as fat as i do...even though they eat PIZZA...and i eat FRUIT and NUTS. Like, WTF, life is so fucking UNFAIR!

I was just feeling BEYOND discouraged.

_ _ _

I got my period today. Much of what i was feeling must have been PMS.

_ _ _

I'm so GLAD i didn't REACT to feeling so HORRIBLY and eat compulsively or eat cooked.

_ _ _

I'm telling you, I was ready to GIVE UP ON RAW. Watching everyone eating pizza, you should have seen me, crying in a pizza shop, i mean, literally tears streaming down my face. That is hard core discouragement on public display. Cliff was holding my hand eating his pizza, comforting me.

To make matters worse, then i went into the bathroom and the stall was so small, i could barely spread my legs far enough apart to wipe myself. More tears.

_ _ _

Yet i didn't take a compulsive bite. I didn't eat compulsively the ENTIRE day.

My heart was "contrite" (deep sadness), yet, despite feeling HORRIBLE, i didn't try to numb it.

Instead, I just allowed myself to feel bad, recognized all of my depressed thoughts as depressed thoughts (my meditation helps this ability), talked to Cliff when he noticed i was beyond miserable, and told him the truth of how discouraged i felt. I cried. I cried more. I watched LaRhonda's story at home later, i cried non stop through it.

_ _ _

I received the GREAT REWARD for my self control...today!

I woke up feeling so rejuvinated...and hungry....!!!!

_ _ _

And I had a GREAT day at work today!

I usually complain about having OVERDONE RAW at work, eating too much nut pate', CONSTANTLY, but i didn't today! I stayed low fat and didn't snack.

WOW! Where did all of that self control come from??? I don't know...i'm just GRATEFUL for it!

I not only did great with my food, i had so much SOARING ENERGY that it just made me feel so grateful for raw and so on fire for raw again!!!!

_ _ _

PURE RAW JOY LESSON: When we overeat raw, we feel drained of energy, and we may look TOWARDS heavy raw foods then...to "make us FEEL BETTER." This can become an obsession, like it becomes with me, looking for excitement in raw gourmet to make me feel better.

It's pointless, it doesn't work and only makes you feel WORSE, not better, and it can be incredibly difficult to break yourself free from the loop you got yourself into!

I was stuck in the loop....and it took me 2 WEEKS to break free!

_ _ _

But once you break free, return to INTUITIVE EATING only when you are hungry, oh my god, raw is a JOY again!

It was a pleasure to actually FEEL TRUE HUNGER again! It tells me I'm eating appropriate amounts of food for MY BODY and that i'm not FEEDING my disease, but feeding my RECOVERY!

_ _ _

MORE HOPE ON THE HORIZON
I spoke with my coworker, MEGAN, http://www.meganelizabeth.com/ today about creating a GYM WORKOUT for me because i know the more i move, the better i will feel, the thinner i will get, the more higher fat raw foods i can enjoy GUILTLESSLY without suffering such depressing consequences like enjoying them, but gaining over the last 2 weeks because i stopped exercising.

We're going to go to her gym, PLANET FITNESS, after work tomorrow!

(Guess what? Megan is maintaining an 85 lbs weight loss, never liked to exercise, and now exercises DAILY, as well as eats low fat raw, and she's cured her adrenal fatigue, which was literally KILLING her!)

WATCH Megan's video, "HATE TO EXERCISE? I DID TOO!"

_ _ _

I'm singing this Sunday, July 31st at the VIBRANT Living FESTIVAL...at 11am! So, come on out early to hear me sing!

All the info you need is here - WWW.VIBRANTLIVINGFESTIVAL.COM

Plus, you can get discount tickets online using the word: JOY!

xoxo michelle joy

TEARS OF INSPIRATION DURING EXTREME MAKEOVER WEIGHT LOSS EDITION....TO EXTREME DISSAPPOINTMENT W/CHRIS POWELL'S NEW HOAX DIET,"ReshapeTheNation.com"

2011-07-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

Howdy,

So did you catch the latest EXTREME MAKEOVER WEIGT LOSS EDITION last night...with Krista, the 445 lb wife and mother?

Uy, uy, uy, i LOVE that show. I was crying, i was elated, i was so motivated, i was just blown away by how amazing and kind (but also insanely tough) trainer Chris Powell is, and how Krista reminded me so much of myself. I so identified with her.

I know i'm strong and when Krista found out she was ALOT physically stronger than she ever believed, i just shook my head in agreement and cried in recognition of myself - she's...ME! I'm so much stronger and able than i give myself credit for.

And so are you...

Powell pushed Krista so hard. And she needed it. (So do I!) Powell made Krista literally push a CAR around a racetrack! And she DID it! She also jogged in marathons and against her intentions to give up, completed them!

Watching Krista, with her pretty face and super fast weight loss made me think of my OWN miraculous 140 lb weight loss in only 8 months. My God, i DID it once before! Why do i so often think i can't do it, when i KNOW i've done it?

I also related to Krista as a bride. Krista wore a black dress to a quickie wedding that Powell deemed sad, so as a special incentive gift, Powell bought size 32 Krista a new beautiful dream wedding gown, in a size 18, so she could have a proper wedding. I'm waiting until i get THIN to get married and wear my beautiful gown. I should just BUY the thing and work to get IN IT!

Krista was frustrated with dieting. "I try to figure out the best way to diet. I just can't seem to figure it out." Either can I. It feels like rocket science to the sufferer, but what they show on the screen demonstrates the basis of the approach - EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE and EXERCISE, and a low fat diet.

"Are you ready to be a hero?" Powell asked Krista. I remember what it felt like to be a raw hero. Her face lit up, "I am!" "Then let's do it!" Powell said after a big hug.

"Health and happiness, Krista, health and happiness, do it, do it!," he encouraged her. "You're not giving up, are you? Are you giving up, are you giving up?" "Come on, fighter!"

She fought.

This episode was one of the most uplifting of the series. I heard so much wisdom! Powell said, "Krista, you weigh 445 lbs, and I promise you, that any pain you'll go through working out with me will pale in comparison with the pain you've endured at your weight." That really touched me... We obese face such intense pains DAILY! Physical aches and pains of carrying so much weight, humiliation and embarrassment not fitting in seats, on chairs, in cars, emotional pain when we get turned down for jobs, people snicker at us, people look at us disgusted, friends turn from us.

Krista was also full of excuses (like i am, and so many of us are), and Powell pushed her, yet seemingly never without compassion. He comforted her when she hit her breaking point and could go no further in their first workout. "I know your back hurts. I hear you. I'm here for you." (He hugged her and she cried.) Now that she was in a more receptive emotional space, he smiled and said, "Now i want you to do something for me. Do 20 more lunges."

He got his way...

Krista did more than she ever THOUGHT she could. The pain didn't kill her and in fact, she realized that her body hurt from head to toe after these intense workouts, but she welcomed the pain now because of the self pride she now felt.

The voice that talks to us and tells us excuses, that we're in too much pain, to stop pushing us, Powell understands. He told Krista, "You know that voice you hear? I'm going to push you so hard, the volume will turn up louder than you've ever heard. I need you to push through that and don't listen to it!"

With Powell's help, she did it. She followed through. Despite all of the excuses and pains. Despite the volume turning WAY up!

What a lesson! What inspiration! That means WE can do the same!

Powell simply wouldn't let Krista get away with giving up on herself. Later in her journey, she was running a marathon and wanted to stop before completing it. Powell knew if he lost her now, he may lose her forever. He reminded Krista of her true motivation (to be well enough to care for her ill daughter) and used that to bring her back around. What a psychological genius he is. "Krista, didn't you say you wanted to finish so you could take care of your daughter better and she would see you cross the finish line?"

Feet that wouldn't move began to jog again. He'd touched a nerve.

How many times do WE make excuses? How many times do we make excuses, and people BUY them? "My knees hurt, my feet hurt." Who says to you, "Do it anyway! and give me a hug when you're done."

Powell seems to be the perfect mix of compassion and toughness. I usually HATE the trainers on these shows, but Powell has heart. Oh, God, i love HIM, AND...he's HOT!

Also, the show, weekly, just totally puts into perspective how CRITICAL exercise is. Powell has these super obese people working out for 4 and 5 hours....a day! When was the last time YOU moved more than 2 hours in one day? Do you think you CAN'T? I bet you can. And so can i. If 500 lb people can do it, hell, i can and you can do anything.

Jack Lalane was fond of saying that exercise is KING...and diet is QUEEN. How often i forget this! I get overly obsessed with dieting and watching my food, get discouraged and give up. If i only would just continue to exercise, I'd eventually get HUNGRY and WANT to stop eating when i've had enough. These days, I overdo it with raw food, don't exercise, and then eat more later when i'm not hungry. What a dissappointment i am to myself when i get into these negative cycles. Whereas, if i would just exercise daily, my weight and compulsive eating wouldn't have the CHANCE to ever get so bad off. I know i'm doing wrong, I beat myself up, i eat more, i deny myself movement because i don't feel i deserve to be good to myself. I'm "bad."

Powell reminds me how beautiful and strong and able i am. He believes in Krista and he believes in ME.

I really related when Krista went through similar cycles of confidence/ strength/ positivity/ routine....versus.....overwhelm/ inaction/ excuses/ negativity/ depression/ laziness/ weightgain that I go through. In fact, each episode of this series brings to light that EACH super obese person on the show goes through the VERY SAME cycles that i do, losing sight of their goals and falling back into old habits!

ALL of the episodes have featured failure, faltering after the 3 month "honeymoon" when Powell lives in and trains the super obese daily. When they need to do it on their own, they've all faltered, gone back to old habits, old foods, old compulsions, stop calling and emailing Powell, avoid him.

Maybe this is the human condition....to lose sight of our goals...and to need to be reminded, motivated, pushed in the right direction.

Isn't this what every GOOD and CARING parent does for their children?

We, super obese, are children in need of a good strong parent. We need MORE support than we're wrangling in for ourselves to overcome the fat obstacles and emotional and spiritual obstacles we've created for ourselves.

Powell shows us the hidden strength beneath all of the fat and all of the excuses and all of the low self esteem and believing we can't do anything. He shows us who we were meant to be by being a good, tough, loving and caring parent.

My parents let me get away with murder. Did yours? Is that why we have food problems? Are we just grownups with an out of control rebellious streak that our parents never wrestled from us?

Please watch Krista's entire Makeover episode here on ABC: http://abc.go.com/watch/extreme-makeover-weight-loss-edition/SH55124938/VD55136516/krista
_ _ _ _

CHRIS POWELL'S NEW SUPER HOAX DIET-WEBSITE, "RESHAPE THE NATION"
I have begun to think so highly of Powell, that it really tremendously DISSAPPOINTED and SHOCKED me to find out that the new weightloss website he is a spokesperson for is such a joke.

During the Makeover episode, Powell nonchallantly mentioned his new online weight loss program http://www.reshapethenation.com/.

You know that I and millions of others bit last night, and ran to the computer to bring up the diet site on the internet. Powell's picture was on the front page, along with a man he helped to lose 400 lbs.

Man-o-man-o-schewitz, if i could follow a program built just for me, as the website promised, and begin to do heavy duty workouts motivated by my online trainer, CHRIS hotstuff Powell, man, i would be so happy!!

I clicked all of the buttons to sign up for the program, gave my credit card number, and clicked through pages to figure out HOW to do the program.

After each click, I waited. I waited. I was still waiting!

Screens took excessively long to change.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a video came up that didn't feature Powell, but some other guy, who was he?, talking about us having a carb day today and that today would be an 8 day and all of this stuff i had ZERO idea what he was talking about. "You're gonna do a 2 first, then a 5 here, then a 7, okay people? Make it a good day and i'll be here for you tomorrow."

What a LOUSY intro to the program. First no Powell, no 'hello, welcome to the program, i'm going to walk you through it,' and worst of all, nothing made sense. And when the video was over, i couldn't get out of it. I had to reboot the program to move forward.

Everything i clicked on took at least 5 minutes to come up.

Ah, i see, i'm supposed to eat cottage cheese for lunch on spinach. Breakfast would be a peanut butter smoothie. Dinner would be steak on a salad.

Whew, if i ever missed Weight Watchers with the ability to use POINTS to choose foods you like or need to substitute, i missed it now.

The exact menu i was supposed to eat was so specific. Well, i suppose i could have eaten soy powder as a sub for each meal. That would have been soy powder in my smoothie, soy powder on lettuce and soy powder on spinach. Delish!

I figured it'd be challenging, but assumed I could use nuts/seeds as subs.

There were no raw vegan proteins listed as substitutions for flesh.

One of the comments i caught said we could leave Powell a facebook message if we had a question.

I went to his facebook page.

Nowhere to leave comments.

pffft! I think i've been had.

I read what looked like hundreds of comments below from others who were also intensely frustrated with the program with no one to answer their questions.

It's not as if it was set up well and we were all just whiney dieters wanting to be spoon fed the program. It was, above all, SLOW.

I clicked to another area...and the wait was even longer, 6 or 7 minutes.

Was i going to have to deal with this slow ridiculous sham program DAILY?

I called up immediately to cancel my order.

A man with a Phillippino accent said, "I'm sorry, the $49.95 is non-refundable".

"Let me speak to a Manager."

"The manager is not taking any calls right now," he said.

I bet he isn't. He's probably too overwhelmed with cancellations.

"So, you are going to cancel my subscription and i won't receive any further charges on my credit card, right?"

"I'm happy to report that you'll be receiving an 8$ discount next month, ma'am," the Phillippino said proudly.

"Wo, why are you talking to me about next month. Hang on a second here, there is going to be NO next month, do you hear me? I am requesting to cancel immediately and have no other charges added to my credit card! I am not remaining a member for next month. Do you hear me?"

"Oh, i thought you said you wanted to continue," he said.

"When during this entire conversation did you get THAT message??"

They are so sneaky, reading those scripts. You MUST be really aggressive to get what you need with these salespeople, and say it over and over and over again. They will twist anything you say, do what they want and hang up on you.

I hung up and called my credit card company and explained that the website was a hoax, it didn't even feature Powell on videos, and that the thing was so slow, it was unusable. I explained i was told the fee was non-refundable but i wanted to get a refund nevertheless.

After a 3 way call between Visa and Reshape the Nation, in which i demanded Reshape refund my unrefundable money, I got a promise for a refund, witnessed by Visa, and a promise from Visa that they would see to it that I get it.

In a familiar accent, I heard, "Don't worry, ma'am, you called the right place."

The Visa guy was a Phillippino, too.

_ _ _

Lesson 1 - Never sign up for something online without reading the fine print. Most people won't go to the trouble to contact their credit card company to negotiate a refund. Reshape The Nation is going to make a lot of money even if people are NOT using the program because the initial fee is non-refundable!

Lesson 2 - Powell must have agreed to this venture and sold his image as a front man for it....without checking out if the website was functional and good. It is HORRIBLE.

Lesson 3 - Even though Powell seems like a total ASSHOLE now, I don't want that to discourage me or you from watching the Makeover shows...they are SOOOO inspiring. In fact, i should watch one episode DAILY! They're available online. And if you lack motivation and a strong internal parent, maybe you need to watch the episodes, too. www.hulu.com/extreme-makeover-weight-loss-edition.

Lesson 4 - Though i feel OFTEN, "I can't do it on my own," I can do it on my own. That is an excuse and I just listen to my own excuses and believe them because i'm a shitty parent to myself, i'm not tough and i'm all compassion. "Poor baby, rest if your feet hurt," i tell myself.

If i did it before, i can do it again.

Furthermore, everytime i have a set back, i just have to get right back up and start all over again. Forgive myself and move on. Stop moping about what "IS," how fat I am, blah blah blah, and get about working on what i "WANT."

xoxo michelle joy

SPROUTED QUINOA SALAD....YUM!

2011-07-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

I made the most DELISH dinner tonight! I'm so excited to share it with you!

I bought this truRoots sprouted quinoa, i think, at Wegmans, or maybe at Arnold's Way????, I can't remember!!

I never thought to do anything RAW with it. I was planning on cooking it for Cliff, when i found it in the cubbard and was inspired to use it for my own dinner!

From http://www.truroots.com/

-Quick and easy to cook
-Low Glycemic Index
-High fiber
-Gluten-free
-Great protein source
-Rich in iron and antioxidants
-Complete amino acids
-Excellent source of lysine
-Alternative to pasta, rice, and couscous

truRoots produces the finest quality quinoa in partnership with organic family farmers on the high plains of the Andes in Bolivia. This tiny seed is one nature’s most healthful and rejuvenating foods – delightfully sweet, fluffy and moist. truRoots Organic Sprouted Quinoa is the perfect blend of traditional ancient wisdom and modern technology and convenience. Rich in nutrition and taste, quinoa has it all.

Cultivated for over 5000 years, quinoa was a dietary staple of the ancient Incas who called it the “mother-grain.” To the Incas, quinoa was more than a food. It was also currency and medicine. Its mystical properties were revered. The Incas believed quinoa gave life-supporting and healing gifts to their people. Modern science reveals that quinoa contains a full complement of amino acids and is higher in protein and lower in carbohydrates than cereal grains. A good source of iron, magnesium, and B vitamins, including folate, quinoa is also a notable vegetarian source of lysine, the amino acid that supports tissue growth and repair.

truRoots sprouts this extraordinary, ancient food to release its full nutritional potential. Not a true grain, quinoa is closely related to spinach, chard and beets. Sprouting increases vitamin content and activates natural enzymes. truRoots Organic Sprouted Quinoa unlocks the superior nutritional value of sprouted grains and brings it to your plate in a convenient form.

Versatile and easy to prepare, quinoa has unlimited potential. From breakfast to dinner, sprouted quinoa can be used in a host of recipes – cereals, salads, wraps, stuffings, soups, and stews. Substitute it for bulgur, rice, couscous, barley or millet. Fresh and lively, our truRoots Sprouted Quinoa can be cooked in as little as 15 minutes or left as a raw food and soaked in hot water for 30 minutes. Quick and easy to prepare, a meal can be made in 20 minutes or less.

truRoots Organic Sprouted Quinoa is rich in nutrition, taste and possibilities. Share the wealth. Add quinoa to your table!

_ _ _ _

What a quick fabulous product! They presoaked, sprouted and dehydrated for us already! We only have to rehydrate...and enjoy!

I felt so much like eating CEVICHE tonight (a chopped raw fish dish marinated in lime juice). Sooooo....instead of doing that, i made CEVICHE-inspired raw quinoa salad! It was SOOOOO good!!!

CEVICHE INSPIRED RAW QUINOA SALAD *
In a large bowl, add:
-1 cup of the truRoots sprouted quinoa
-1.5 cups of warm water
-2 Tbsp of garlic herb infused olive oil
-10 leaves of basil, shredded
-the juice of 1/2 lime and 1 whole lemon
-1 tsp of celtic salt (try 1/2 tsp first)
-2 drizzles of agave
-1 minced up tiny hot yellow pepper without the seeds (super hot and tiny, we're growing these in our garden)
-1 tsp garlic powder or some fresh chopped garlic
-1/8 cup chopped onion
-1/8 cup chopped green pepper
-1 stalk celery, chopped
-1/2 carrot, shredded
-3 large yellow cherry tomatoes, quartered

Stir up wet soupy salad and allow to sit for about 1.5 hours out on the countertop until alot of the liquid is absorbed. It will still be somewhat soupy, but it is yummy that way! Taste for seasoning and readjust. By then the quinoa kernals should not be crunchy anymore, but nice and soft.

Enjoy!

Man, oh, man-o-schewitz, this was SOOOOO good! The leftover "juice" was flavored so incredibly, i just slurped it up! It was like a soup, i loved it, i'm glad it was soupy!

* The amounts are all guestimations since i guestimated amounts after the fact of creating without measuring, so go easy on the salt and taste test for a pleasing balance of flavors! This was super citrusy, but that's what i was AFTER! The salt and spice and sweet hint from the agave perfectly balanced the ultra citrusy dressing.

This recipe contains all of the desirable 5 flavors to make raw savory food DELISH!
-salty (celtic salt and celery)
-sweet (agave and carrot)
-spicy (hot pepper, garlic, onion)
-bitter (basil)
-tart (lemon and lime juices).

The bland mild taste and grainy mouth feel of the quinoa created a wonderful backdrop for the delicious "ceviche" inspired marinade.

p.s. I didn't have any cilantro or you KNOW i would have added that! You know what would have been good in this, too? Some chopped fennel bulb with it's licoricey flavor...mmmm!

_ _ _ _

DONT FORGET! Will i see you there?

The 2ND Annual Vibrant Living Festival 2011

Harmony Hill Gardens
1341 Mill Road
Sellersville, PA 18960

JULY 31st, 2011
10am-7pm

All day passes are on sale now for only $15 per person when you follow this link and use the discount code "JOY"

http://www.eventbrite.com/event/1587541379/ShareAbundance/16363922197

Featuring:
-Group Yoga
-Guided Meditation
-Musical Performers, Opera with Chef Michelle, and a DJ
-Delicious Low Fat Raw Vegan Food by Megan Elizabeth, Smoothies, Banana Ice Cream, and DURIAN ICE CREAM
-Lectures on Creating Healthy Bodies, Minds, Spirits, and Relationships
-Low Fat Raw Vegan Food Prep Demo by Megan Elizabeth
-Ending with a Drum Circle and Bonfire! (and smores? JK)

Check out the Schedule for the festival here: http://vibrantlivingfestival.com/ and please use the link above for purchasing tickets with the discount code "JOY".

Here's a fun video from Vibrant Living Festival 2010 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M90NQWiUVe0

I hope to see you there! :)

xoxo michelle joy

GRATITUDE TO THE RESCUE!

2011-07-23T09:31:00.001-07:00

Balance sometimes gives way to seriously unbalanced...in just a matter of days, in my life.

It seems when i got back from vacation, my motivated daily walks and the amazing newfound discipline I had with low fat raw, enjoying light and lean smoothies for breakfast, light and lean fruit for lunch, and a moderate gourmet raw dinner...evaporated into a poof!

I risk discouraging readers by being forthcoming about my constant struggles, but we are none of us created the same, and this is apparantly my pattern, my great struggle. I think it's the most honest thing to do to report the truth. We're all learning, we're all cycling to some extent with something in our lives, and there's strength in admitting the truth.

On Wednesday, I'll be 9 weeks raw, with what feels like not much to show for it. I was doing so amazing on vacation, i surely touched down around 325 lbs with all of the exercise and self denial and lost 50 lbs.

When i came home from vacation...

No, actually on the RIDE home, eating gourmet raw zucchini spaghetti at the Turnpike stop because i was bored, not necessarily hungry, started a cycle of not listening to my body (eating when i wasn't hungry), and resisting exercise, that i've not been able to break free from, and it's 10 days later.

Add to that some super emotional hurtful things with family have taken place, and here I am back in that low vibrating, high fat raw, sedentary, weight gaining state i used to be so familiar with.

I never thought i could be back here. I'm back.

Yesterday, i broke down and said to myself, "This is awful, how am i going to get out of this?" I haven't been meditating or praying, so i can't get that to work. I haven't been choosing low fat. I haven't been exercising. I feel bad about me and just want to mope.

When it dawned on me that the one thing i could control....was my attitude, things began to perk up.

I decided to be GRATEFUL for everything yesterday. Grateful that we came home from my parents' house, otherwise the ripening bananas would have overcooked in the heat, grateful that i have a great caring guy to love, grateful that i'm still raw even though cooked food tempts me daily, grateful that i'm not as heavy as i once was.

In changing my attitude to an attitude of gratitude, something shifted in me, and i actually didn't do too bad today with my eating. My legs also felt twitchy and wanted to walk. It's a start.

What the Secret says seems to actually be true, that the more grateful we are for what we have, the better we feel, the better we do.

SO SIMPLE.

The effortless effort way of breaking out of a bad cycle. Change your attitude and your behavior changes....automatically without force.

Good lesson, and something I am going to work on with a newfound appreciation today!

_ _ _

Today i am grateful for: my hot messy house! At least i have a roof over my head, and the rooms with A/C are super cool! I am so grateful to have so much, so many nice things, and the potential for such a beautiful home. I am grateful i got all of my laundry done, too.

Today i am grateful for: my singing! Shaie, an amazing actress/singer, was sharing with me about how us artists can be so unwaveringly critical of our own art. She shared this charming figurative description with me: "When you sing, it's like you just took a shit, and you look at the shit and say, 'man, that stinks, it's ugly, it's smelly, it's disgusting,' you find everything that's wrong with it, where you SHOULD be realizing that the shit you just shit is actually a golden nugget that just fell from your ass! You should admire it and say, 'you are a thing of beauty, thank you God for what i can do right, at least i got through the whole song once.' Thank you, Shaie! You are so right. Vocal control is a gift from God I receive when i am in a high vibrational state. Gratitude for what i CAN do right brings me more into alignment with my best self and my best singing self. Thank you for reminding me!

Today, I apply gratitude to my still raw state! I wanted Cliff's pasta last night, but didn't eat it. When would it stop? Staying raw i still have a chance to get back under control. I recognize that things could be MUCH MUCH worse...with 10 hamburgers a day, fried fish and french fry binges, ....and here i am complaining about eating too much raw delicious "Sea Greens Salad" from All the Way Live!

Today, I apply gratitude to the love I have with my honey. Our relationship may not be the most romantic, passionate, but we have a true love and concern and support for each other. That is ALOT more than many couples have and I consider myself lucky on a daily basis.

Today, I am grateful for my body. I'm still better than i was BEFORE raw. There is still a modicum of control to my behavior and no matter what, i still know i am doing better for my body drinking too much smoothie than drinking too much soda. I'm grateful i have legs to walk and some hair, at least, on my head!

Here is a nice article: http://zenhabits.net/why-living-a-life-of-gratitude-can-make-you-happy/

_ _ _

FEELING ABUSED LEADS TO RAW FOOD ABUSE
Yesterday I was feeling so wounded, i'd had a run in with my abusive self centered father and another with my insensitive brother. (How to be grateful for THAT when i'm still left reeling???) I cried, i felt my feelings, and then...

I knew what i was doing - medicating with food - but i did it anyway.

I ordered 3 raw meals from All The Way Live and polished them off, in addition to about 3/4 of a pound of assorted raw cheeses from the Chestnut Hill Cheese Shop.

It was all very delicious and heavy, and, i did it.

Did it change anything about what happened with my family? No. I'm just fatter now.

_ _ _

In 10 days my wonderful new plan of raw eating...unraveled.

Stress? Emotions? Just plain returning to compulsive eating instead of intuitive eating? Just allowing myself to get sucked into a negative downward cycle? Beating myself up? Discouragement?

_ _ _

I know it's preferable to be a raw VEGAN and my eating raw cow's milk cheese, i failed at that, but with my thinning hair (from being back on raw), I figure that maybe the extra protein may have done my hair follicles some good, though it hasn't done my waistline any favors....

Megan asked me, "Are you eating enough greens?" I suppose i could do alot better.

_ _ _ _

FRUITARIANS CONFERENCE
On Friday at work, it was as if God was sending me messages loud and clear to focus on fruitarian.

Matt Warner of http://www.rawnaturalliving.com/ dropped by, as did it seemed every fruitarian on the face of the earth. It was such a funny day. Was God talking to me?

Shaie came by and I told her, you know, i wasn't doing great, and she could see in my demeanor and in what looks like no more weight loss than the last time she saw me (i did lose but gained back from lack of movement and from too much salt and fat).

Shaie does not eat salt or nuts. She is 65 days raw, I am 8.5 weeks, yet she is having dramatic amazing results, and i have faltered and fallen back into compulsive behavior.

"Michelle, it doesn't sound like salt and nuts are serving your best interest."

I have to laugh now as it makes sense, but seems so ridiculous. Only people who struggle with raw food would understand.

Matt Warner seemed to second that opinion, "I used to be addicted and binge on gourmet raw, too," he offered. "On fruitarian, i only eat when i'm hungry."

Well, you can't argue with results. I've been there before, too.

It was a message that was being shot to me left and right on Friday. Pat called and we chatted. Pat also struggles with wanting more gourmet than she feels is good for her, "Oh, God, the raw burger and raw lasagne at All The Way Live are soooo good, but they have a thick layer of nut cheese on them," she warned me. "Don't order them!" Pat is focusing more on fruit these days and liking the results.

I know, girl, i know, but....

I ordered them, both!

I keep thinking i can return to those balanced days i had at OHI with low fat raw as the bulk of my diet, intense exercise as the rule, and gourmet raw for fun.

Why can't i keep all three of those plates spinning at the same time....LONG TERM? Things spin easily out of control for me.

I'm also thinking that more than ANYTHING, my problems are all about DISCIPLINE.

I just need to learn DISCIPLINE and I can achieve ANYTHING i want.

_ _ _

VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL

No matter what...., we raw folks have got to celebrate, have fun, support each other, make time to learn, relax, and enjoy!

If you're in the Philadelphia metropolitan area, take a short trip to the beautiful countryside and spend the day with me and some of my friends at the Vibrant Living Festival! I'll be singing some pretty stuff, so come on out!

The 2ND Annual Vibrant Living Festival 2011

Harmony Hill Gardens
1341 Mill Road
Sellersville, PA 18960

JULY 31st, 2011

10am-7pm

All day passes are on sale now for only $15 per person when you follow this link and use the discount code "JOY"

http://www.eventbrite.com/event/1587541379/ShareAbundance/16363922197

Featuring:
-Group Yoga
-Guided Meditation
-Musical Performers, Opera with Chef Michelle, and a DJ
-Delicious Low Fat Raw Vegan Food by Megan Elizabeth, Smoothies, Banana Ice Cream, and DURIAN ICE CREAM
-Lectures on Creating Healthy Bodies, Minds, Spirits, and Relationships
-Low Fat Raw Vegan Food Prep Demo by Megan Elizabeth
-Ending with a Drum Circle and Bonfire! (and smores? JK)

Check out the Schedule for the festival here: http://vibrantlivingfestival.com/ and please use the link above for purchasing tickets with the discount code "JOY".

Here's a fun video from Vibrant Living Festival 2010 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M90NQWiUVe0

Hang in there, Be grateful for where you are today (it could always be worse), and i hope to see you there! :)

xoxo michelle joy

"FEELING" CAN FEEL LIKE MOURNING... BUT GOD CHANGES US LITTLE BY LITTLE!

2011-07-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

I had such a day yesterday. I felt like i was dying i felt so bad, but it is good to come out of such strong emotions and be able to tell you first hand, that strong feelings....PASS.

Us food addicts are so scared to FEEL. We'd rather numb out on food than face our real feelings.

But, if we eat and push the feelings down, instead of just feeling them, we're doing ourselves a disservice.

Yes, we may feel like we're going to die from feeling so bad..., like I did, today, but we don't. We don't die. We just feel awful. And incapacitated from feeling so bad.

But, we feel better soon.

The way i felt today was akin to how i imagine a person would feel when a beloved close family member dies. You feel like you can't move from bed, you feel like you don't have the energy to even raise up your arm. That's what it felt like today to feel strong emotions of discouragement and failure from facing my shortcomings.

THIS is what i used to eat 10 hamburgers over.

I don't do that today.

I know now that soon I will feel better... If I would eat the 10 hamburgers, feeling better never comes.

This is what helped: Talking about how i felt to close loved ones, crying, getting in the pool, even though i was not even being able to swim a lap because of the intense weight of the emotional burden, getting in the hottub at the clubhouse and closing my eyes, talking more on the phone about it, doing a few water calisthenics even though i was crying in between moves and i felt absolutely zapped of energy, I made a good dinner for my parents and Cliff, I helped my parents pack for their vacation - it all EVENTUALLY made the burden of feeling so bad, lift.

Eating 10 hamburgers would have made me incapable of helping my parents, incapable of talking through it. You push it down and push it down and all of those bad things you think about yourself fester and grow. Plus, you're fatter, and you can add that to your list of failures. It's not a good way to live.

Even sunning outside for a half hour, closing my eyes, and just trying to meditate, felt at least like a small accomplishment. "Hey, what did you do today?" "I got a little tanner today."

Low self esteem, underachievement, and a feeling of "i'm not good enough," and "no one wants me," are at the root of of my eating disorder, and at the root of the choices i've made in life.

It's hard to look that right in the eye, it's hard to sit with that and FEEL it, but, i found out, you don't die from it, and now, i have a chance to work THROUGH it.

There is also a fair amount of bitterness built up from all of the years of abuse for being fat and people judging me negatively because i'm fat, and it just seems like I can't break free from it. If i lose weight to be "good enough," i resent that. If i stay fat to say, "f.u.," I don't get anywhere. If a thin person and a fat person apply for the same job, the thin person usually wins it. There is still such descrimination in the world. We have to learn to fight stronger for ourselves and our rights.

There's this vicious circle - you're fat, so people don't hire you, you lose confidence and turn to food, so you're fatter, and people won't hire you, so you lose confidence, and turn to food. You weaken and weaken yourself in the process. You may even more MUCH more qualified than the thin person, but you've been squashed down so many times, you lose confidence, you lose the fight.

Sticking to raw food is at least another small accomplishment on a day like today. "At least I stayed raw through it...," you can say.

Overdoing raw food is not living my best life and is not best for me.

On the other hand, a person can only do what they can do for today, and you have to be grateful you're doing as well as you are, even if it's not perfect.

The raw honeymoon I was on...seems to have changed dynamics to a raw struggle over the last few days. Too many bags of raw chips, just eaten for comfort.

At least, raw food, even when you overdo it, doesn't put permanent weight on you like cooked does. At least you know you can always juice or do fruit for a few days.

When you're feeling like you can take some control back, you can assert these kinds of disciplines on yourself, and win back your self confidence. Walking and exercising also burns up raw food so fast. I experienced that first hand when i was away. I ate a hearty raw gourmet dinner and because i was walking daily, i just burned it up!

I can't let raw discouragement get to me.

I ate watermelon for breakfast and for snack today, instead of that friggin' bagel i wanted so bad that my mother had defrosting on the counter. That felt like a huge accomplishment.

I emailed some raw food restaurants my resume. Another small accomplishment.
Small accomplishments add up and each action forward seem to pick you up a little.

_ _ _

The bible says we will have VICTORY over addictions (including food addiction and binge eating) if we turn to GOD every day and ask Him to remove our compulsions.

I can't forget to keep praying and asking for His guidance. I can't forget to keep meditating and filling myself with a peaceful ground base from which to live life. Why I am so easily derailed? I need to establish a spiritual routine.

When i'm feeling really bad, like life will never get better, like I will never get better, it feels so good to trust in Him. I feel purified and cradled and supported, even if just for a moment. Burgers don't do that.

No matter how much armchair psychologist "wisdom" I have, if I don't ask for His help, I don't get the benefit of His supernatural power to resist Temptation.

When we take matters into our own hands, we always screw up. Isn't that the way it is? Put it all in His hands. If we eat, we're saying, "Forget you, i can handle this all on my own, and i'm going to show you how! Chomp, bite, slurp!" He can work it out better than we can. Or, it's just better for us to BELIEVE He can. Learn to trust and leave the results to Him.

Even the best wise diet or life advice seems not to make any sense in the face of food Temptation. That's why, the only one who can save us from compulsion, is GOD. We need supernatural power to overcome the pull of food. Plain and simple. Period. End of sentence. We cannot do this on our own.

_ _ _

Writing a blog entry, when I'd rather be eating a bucket of fried chicken, is also a positive step. It teaches me I can manage my emotions by writing instead of eating, and if you're still struggling, it teaches you, that there is another way.

At least if you push THROUGH the pain, like a BIRTH, you have a chance to redeem yourself at some point. Take what you've learned about yourself and go about fixing it. Eating hamburgers only drags what little self esteem you have even lower. And then when you look at yourself in the mirror and you're all bloated and puffed out, you're back in the loop. More eating to make you feel better to forget what you just ate.

I wanna be free of that loop, forever.

At least when you don't resort to eating, but just feel like shit, that's a huge accomplishment in itself. You can be proud that you're growing. You're getting better. Even though you feel worse.

_ _ _

Joel Osteen says, "God made each one of us with ROYAL blood running through our veins!"

Amen! We were made for GREAT things, GREAT accomplishments! He created us to do ANYTHING! When i hear that, i am reminded of the greatness in me. Suddenly i can sing better, i can walk, I can do anything!

We just forget that over and over.

We need to hear it everyday!

_ _ _

Constantly going to food for comfort...is a MAJORLY destructive habit. We may feel better for the moment, but food binds us, and we are soon in bondage, with no hope to escape it's hold over us.

We need to Break the chain!

_ _ _

Don't base your self esteem on your long list of failures.

Base your self esteem on how many times you pick yourself back up.

_ _ _

Good fortune is around the corner.

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HATH MADE! I'M GONNA WORK THIS OUT!

_ _ _

When you're feeling bad, reach out, sit with it, don't eat, and use some good resources. Here is an excellent Christian video I watched yesterday, even though i'm Jewish, it has so much common sense wisdom, and an article on the meditation technique i learned at www.fhu.com , which has it's roots in Judeo-Christian teachings. As a matter of fact, i'm going to go do my meditation now. We have to learn how to release our burdens to God and trust in Him, daily, and this is one way. Extra Food is not the way.

VIDEO: HOW TO BREAK ADDICTIONS AND FORM NEW HABITS - Joel Osteen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUvqFK5vp3o

ARTICLE, "MILITARY PRAISES FANTASTIC NEW POST TRAUMATIC STRESS THERAPY": (The meditation technique i always talk about has been being used by war vets for many years now, thanks to the www.fhu.com., to help with post traumatic stress. If the meditation works for them, there is NO reason why it shouldn't work for US! If they see bombs and attackers everywhere, isn't that akin to us being attacked by FOOD and FAST FOOD restaurants left and right? It seems sometimes there is NO escaping food. But there is. There are links in the article to the meditation which is originally sponsored by www.fhu.com , a non-profit church organization, whose teachings i have supported for years.) http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=319737

xoxo michelle joy

THE MOST DELISH RECIPES I EVER MADE...TODAY!

2011-07-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

As a raw chef, I come up with new recipes from scratch all of the time, and I think, "Man, this is the most delish, ever!"

My trick is - I use the 5 basic principles of taste to guide me - meaning, with every savory dish I make, I add at least one or more elements from each "taste," and because each dish has all 5 flavors, it is always delicious! The tounge has 5 taste centers, so when a dish pings all 5 taste centers, you go, "Yum!!!" Nothing ever tastes flat this way. I thank Victoria Boutenko for teaching me this. Now that you know, you can be your own raw chef!

Here are the 5 flavors:
-spicy (garlic, onion, cayenne, etc...)

-salty (shoyu, celery, kelp, dulse, celtic salt, etc...)

-sweet (carrots, beets, raw honey, agave, raisins, etc...)

-tart (raw vinegar, lemon juice, lime juice, etc...)

-bitter (all green leaves, etc...)

Here is a yummy yummy lower fat pate' I came up with using ingredients I had on hand, following the 5 flavor principle. I got the pic above online. (My camera is out of commission). The pic looks similar to what i made, except the tomatoes look dehydrated above. Come to think of it, dehydrating the little "pizzas" would be delish!

LOW FAT BASIL CASHEW ALMOND PATE' PIZZAS

PRE-RECIPE STEPS
1). Put whole organic cashews and almonds in a large bowl and fill with lots of water the night before. Soak overnight on the counter.

2.) In the morning, drain nuts, and rinse repeatedly until water is clear.

Why Soak? Soaking nuts reduces their fat by 40% and removes the enzyme inhibitors that coat nuts and keep nuts dormant (asleep). Soaking them begins the process of germination which means they fundamentally change internally and think they are on their way to becoming a tree or a plant. They are actually a changed being and become ALIVE! Soaking nuts turns nuts into more of a vegetable and improves their digestibility immeasurably. SOAK YOUR NUTS. Soaking nuts also makes them less addictive in my opinion, and probably improves their alkelinity, rather than leaving them acidifying.

3.) Dehydrate soaked rinsed nuts on a teflex in an Excalibur Dehydrator at 105 degrees until dry (1 day to 1.5 days)

4.) Store in ziplock bags and use these nuts as you would any regular nut

RECIPE:

Pizzas:
Set aside:
Large Zucchini sliced into 1/4 inch rounds
Fresh red ripe tomatos sliced into rounds, salted

Pate' Ingredients:
-about 1 cup of basil leaves
-2 cups of germinated almonds and cashews (not necessary that they be dry at all or fully dried)
-1 tsp of celtic salt
-1/2 tsp of agave
-juice of 1 small lemon
-1 Tbsp of nutritional yeast
-1 slice of white onion, about 1/2 inch thick
-2 large cloves of garlic
-2 tsps of dried fennel (optional for italian sausagey flavor, i loved it!)

* Have 1/4 cup of water on hand

1.) Add all ingredients except water to food processor with S blade

2). Grind all ingredients, opening processor to scrape down the sides repeatedly.

3.) Taste mixture when well ground for seasoning. Adjust if needed using key:

ADJUSTING SEASONING KEY:
*If too bland, add salt or lemon
*If too salty, add a touch of agave
*If too sweet, add a touch of salt
*If too flat, add more lemon juice or garlic or onion
*If not enough herbal flavor, add more basil
*If too spicy, add more nuts
*If too dry, add water or lemon juice

4.) If needed, add a little water to mixture if you would like a mushier pate'. My nuts were partially dried (4 hours), so they had a little moisture in them. I didn't need any water.

The recipe will produce a thick, olive green, slightly dry, mealy pate' that formed a ball in my hands. Kind of a gross description, but, man, oh, man, it is so delish!

NOTE:
For a more "authentic" pesto, add olive oil, if desired, but this defeats the low fat nature of the recipe. Unlike this pate', full fat nut pates come out like cream cheese consistency. Nut pate's from lower fat germinated nuts like this recipe will not create a smooth cream cheese consistency, but will come out mealy and slightly chunky. Just so you know it! Personally, I did not miss the extra fat or creamy texture at all! SO YUM!

TO CREATE PIZZAS:
Add a mound of pate' on top of each zucchini slice. Top with a salted fresh organic tomato slice! Eat like a little pizza! Repeat and enjoy until satisfied! Dehydrate if you can't eat them all...at 105degrees! That would be delish!

Another Idea:
This pate' could also be used as a filling for "rawvioli!" since the texture is ricotta like and the flavor is very italian!

_ _ _

Here's a great smoothie!

FRUITY GREEN PROTEIN SHAKE

In a vitamix add:
-2 Tbsp of raw local honey (optional, but good for the summer, helps to relieve allergies)
-1 Tbsp of spirulina
-1 cup of strawberries, frozen
-1/2 cup of mango chunks, frozen
-2 bananas, frozen
-6 mint leaves
*cold water

Blenderize all ingredients with just enough cold water to form a frosty thick shake. This is so refreshing and the fruit and mint cover the flavor of the spirulina, which i don't always love, though it is so good for you! This is a generous portion! Serves 2.

DID YOU KNOW?
Spirulina is yummy and chock full of PROTEIN!

(Unfortunately, my hair is thinning again after 7 weeks of raw, so i'm wanting to be conscious of eating more protein. Maybe this will help.)

Please read about spirulina here. Lots of interesting facts! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spirulina_(dietary_supplement)

_ _ _

Let me know if you make any of these recipes and enjoy them!

xoxo michelle joy

IT'S GROOVY, BABY!

2011-07-17T09:21:00.001-07:00

Howdy,

So after a total DAY of laying and lazing around yesterday and not doing much beyond making dinner for Cliff and practicing my vocal program for the VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL on Sunday, July 31st in Sellersville, PA, I finally broke free from my stagnant state,.....and walked this morning.

But it wasn't easy at first. And i didn't want to. I had to be pushed.

Luckily, i have a good babe.

Ring ring.

"Hi Babe, where are you?," I groaned. I knew what this call meant.

"At boat house row. I'm taking a break and then heading home." Cliff was on his early A.M. bike ride. He huffed and puffed,"You gonna meet me on Main Street on my way back home?" [We have this routine, where, as he returns from his bike ride, i head out for a walk, we meet for a cold tea, he rides home, i continue to walk, and he picks me up when i'm done, so i don't have to walk the hills of Manayunk back home to save my knees.] He wanted me to meet him...and there I was flipping channels in bed.

I whined,"Uh, (yawn) i'm still half asleep. It's only 8:30a.m.." I yawned on purpose to drive the point home.

He heard the TV in the background.

"Hmmm, so, you're NOT gonna meet me?" He was confronting a wall.

Silence.

Louder, "Should i wait for you at Starbucks or meet you at home?" He was laying it on the line.

"Uh," my voice trailing down, "I'll see you at home," i sheepishly confessed, and continued to click channels.

"I figured as much," he said, and ended the call sharply.

Click.
Ooops, I was in trouble. The guilts got to me and i got my butt up.

By the time i was dressed and out the door to walk, he was already making his way up our street on his bike.

"Oh, you're a good bunny," he said with a smile and a kiss.

With me on foot, him on bike, we went together to Starbucks for an iced herbal tea and to shoot the shit with the "Yunkers" (Mana-yunk locals) who hang out at Starbucks every morning.

I was so thirsty i got a refill for my Venti iced unsweetened herbal. With all of the heat, i get so dry. Gotta drink, drink, drink.

Cliff headed home on bike, and I headed out for my walk all the way down to the movie theater and back, about 2.5 miles, a good walk.

Cliff picked me up at Starbucks.

_ _ _

That's how it went.

But, it more complicated than that.

On my walk, it dawned on me that I'm lucky to have Cliff. We all need exercise buddies or partners, because we are often not strong enough to push ourselves to exercise when we don't feel like it.

The ease with which we say to ourselves, "I don't feel like it," and follow that with inaction, is astounding. We really believe we are doing what's best for us at those times by continuing to lay, cause we don't feel like it.

The problem is, the next time it comes to walking, we don't feel like it then either.

When i started the walk, i really didn't WANT to. I was really grouchy and my legs didn't feel like walking. My head didn't feel like walking. Nothing felt like walking.

But as i walked, my mood lifted eventually, I started practicing my music in my head, and before I knew it, I was really enjoying myself. The longer I walked, the more I wanted to walk, the more and more pepp entered my step.

I went longer on the walk than i have. And this walk had all started with a grouchy negative attitude.

We can do MORE than we think we can when we casually react to our lack of present desire (all they while knowing better) and say, "I don't feel like it."

_ _ _

So, it dawned on me, that with anything we do, the more we do it, the more we want to. The less we do something, the less we want to.

We probably get stuck in ruts not exercising just because we've allowed ourselves to get in a rut, and really for no other good reason. Inaction begets inaction. And we have no positive memories at the moment to remind how great we'll feel if we DO do it.

_ _ _

Similarly, with my messy house, I've allowed this rut to happen, just because it's become habitual.

Sloppiness begets sloppiness. Inaction begets inaction.

I see the mess and say, "I don't feel like bothering," and my mess just grows and grow. I step over the messes, and soon stop "seeing" them. They kind of dissappear in my denial, and the bigger and bigger they grow.

_ _ _

Same with our bodies. We think, if I don't confront it, it'll go away.

10 years later and we're fatter than ever because we've allowed ourselves to believe the lie that it'll get better on it's own.

_ _ _

With messes, they can be overwhelming. You don't know where to begin. You just want to forget about it.

With a fat body and an eating disorder, we're overwhelmed, too. How do we attack this? We wanna forget it. We mentally masterbate 5,000 diet plans, but do nothing. We're overwhelmed, we're scared. We don't wanna fuck up, again. We don't wanna fall into the same traps we've fallen into before. So we do nothing. A year later and we're still mentally masterbating the same 5,000 diet plans.

_ _ _

When Cliff and I came home from vacation to a messy house, i said to Cliff, "I HATE to come home to a messy house. I wish someone would have come over while we were away and cleaned up the whole house." The dissappointment i felt returning to my mess, it's like i expected the Windex Fairy to come over and clean while i was away.

(I was raised with neatfreak parents. The house was always clean. If i didn't clean my room, my mother cleaned it for me.)

Go figure...

_ _ _

When thinking about exercise, who really wants to move when you haven't been moving? There's no momentum. You just don't feel like it. The energy is not there.

After resting a whole day yesterday, the last thing i wanted to do was walk this morning.

It's a good thing i have my babe to stick a prod in my butt, and it's a good think I realize that every walk will bring me one inch closer to my goal.

_ _ _ _

You know, we probably get stuck in patterns or ruts with binge eating or chronic snacking, purely because binge eating and chronic snacking begets binge eating and chronic snacking. The more you snack, the more pleasurable you realize it is to constantly have something in your mouth, and you're like, "Damn, i want some more of THAT!" You don't always have to be going through deeply emotional crisises to be stuck in snacking. It can just be...because it's fun, it's pleasurable, it takes on a life of it's own.

On the other hand, we can use it like a drug. Everytime we feel a troubling emotion, zing, snack. It's like Pavlov's dog. We've trained ourselves to snack everytime we feel emotional.

_ _ _

It's like a groove on a record. The more the needle scratches that groove on the record, the easier the needle falls to that spot. The more often we perform a behavior, the more automatic that behavior becomes, the more habitually we do it. We just fall into the groove, the pattern we've set up for ourselves.

When push comes to shove, it doesn't much matter WHY we do it, if we keep doing it, we'll keep doing it.

_ _ _

The only reason i'm doing well now...is probably because i'm doing well now! I'm wearing a groove into the "doing well" song on the record.

If i started doing shitty, i'd be into that groove, and get on a roll with that, too.

_ _ _

Sometimes I'll have an awesome singing practice, and the next time I go to sing, I'm awesome again, because I'm reinforcing the correct vocal technique pattern.

Sometimes, I'll go to sing and be awful and i'll be like, "oh, wow, i must not have been that awesome before when i was thinking i was awesome. I must have unwittingly been practicing negative patterns because here they are staring me in the eye."

Then i start to freak out and feel frightened and bad about myself.

No, no, no! It's just time to get OUT of the bad pattern. "I'm not bad."

Break the pattern. Reestablish the correct vocal technical pattern.

_ _ _

Success breeds more success. Success feeds on success. Do well with your eating and singing today and you're more likely to fall into that pattern tomorrow.

_ _ _

Raw begets more raw!

The more raw you eat, the more you want to eat. Your body feels great, you're losing weight, it tastes great, and soon, your body actually starts to CRAVE raw. You wake up thinking about a great smoothie, and the thought of an egg never enters your mind. You've gotten yourself in a good groove.

Since i don't cook veggies now for myself, i don't imagine what i'm going to do with veggies that has anything to do with a stove and olive oil and sauteeing anymore. Now, I see a vegetable, and i start think of interesting ways to blenderize it raw, or chop it in a nori wrap, or spiralize it into spaghetti.

At the produce truck, i bought asparagus. What was I going to do with it?

I blenderized it into asparagus soup! Man, yummo! It was good! Asparagus and corn and avocado, blenderized with garlic and onion, miso and lemon juice, black pepper. MMM!

Do i PREFER roasted asparagus? You bet your bottom dollar.

But, it's not an option today. Once i'm roasting my asparagus, soon i'll be roasting hotdogs.

The raw groove has become habitual, just like the cooked groove HAD BECOME habitual.

_ _ _

As eaily as we get INTO new habits or routines, be they positive OR negative, we can similarly tear ourselves out of grooves, be they positive or negative.

You're on a good roll. You fuck up once. You wanna fuck up again.

Failure feeds on failure.

You're on a bad roll. You're fucking up ALOT. You SEE it. You don't take it personally and beat yourself up. You NOTICE IT. "Oh, i'm in a bad groove." STOP. And start the positive behavior. NOW.

_ _ _

The fact that degraded and harmful cooked foods like potato chips and deep fried donuts just so happen to be addictive makes it more challenging. These types of foods actually make you hungry for more of the same.

These foods are acidifying to the body. Once your body goes acid, you crave acid.

Raw foods are alkelizing and send your body good feelings and make you wanna eat alkelizing foods. Raw foods change how your body works and processes food. Raw foods take away that out of control appetite.

_ _ _

Us food addict types are probably the worst offenders of falling into habitual grooves. If we give an inch, we take a foot. I bite into a chicken breast today, tomorrow i'm eating 10 buckets full of fried chicken. That binge groove is so old and well worn, the old ways re-establish themselves quickly if i let them.

_ _ _

If we want to stop doing something, we have to stop, make a real clean break, don't take it personally and get "upset" about it. Just DO the new behavior.

Soon, THAT will become our normal.

_ _ _

If we constantly snack, the only way to stop is to STOP. Resist. Wait until hunger, consciously. When we're hungry, eat a MEAL.

Do THAT long enough and you'll form a new groove.

Snack daily and your belly starts to groan every time it's snack time. Train your tummy to get hungry all day for snacks, and you'll be like Pavlov's dog, looking for a snack every hour.

Train your belly and mind with 3 meals, and they shut up all day, let you live, and don't nag you all of the time. Your body and mind fall into the no-snack-groove.

_ _ _

This morning, i would not have walked had not Cliff pushed me.

_ _ _

We NEED to be pushed from our stagnant states of inaction.....into action sometimes.

But, then, once we have a taste of action, and how great it feels, we are often off and running on our own, like i was on vacation, walking as soon as I woke up, with no one reminding me or having to push me.

I WANTED to do it. I couldn't WAIT to get out there! I felt so free walking!

_ _ _

Along the same lines, clean also begets clean.

Now that our kitchen is so neat and tidy, we're washing dishes after we use them RIGHT AWAY because we're enjoying the kitchen's clean state so much.

When the kitchen is sloppy, we leave more and more and more dishes lying around. Why bother, then.

_ _ _

We are ALL prone to these cycles to some extent. Maybe some more than others.

I am particularly suceptible to falling into these types of cycles, usually in a negative way.

My ability to stay raw today for over 7 weeks is proving that i have the ability to stay in a groove in a positive way. I stay in the raw groove, because with each meal, i make choices that continue to keep me in the raw groove.

_ _ _

The trick is to be aware if we are in a negative cycle, recognize that we are not "bad" or "defective," we're just stuck in a negative state, pattern, or groove, and get out of it.

_ _ _

All it takes is ONE POSITIVE ACTION FORWARD to start a new positive cycle, which will start a NEW positive state, pattern, and groove.

All it takes is ONE NEGATIVE ACTION to start a good groove unrolling.

With every minute of the day, we have a CHOICE. Which way will we go?

_ _ _

ACTION....BEGETS MORE ACTION.

STAGNANCY....BEGETS MORE STAGNANCY.

I'm thinking this is a good thing to write on a yellow post it note and stick to the bathroom mirror. When we don't "feel" like doing something, but "know" we "should," it could help remind us to make the right choice.

_ _ _

By understanding these cycles, we're forecasting the consequences of our behavior. We're predicting what the outcome of our choices will be.

This is pretty powerful.

When i LOST raw for like 1.5 years (!!!), i lost it with ONE bite of cooked beans. Once i had crossed that line, i wanted to cross the bread and butter line next, then there was no stopping me. I wanted everything! Before I went back to raw, i ate 5 hamburgers. "Oh, shit, here I am again. I promised myself i'd never be back here."

One bite of beans and I was back there.

That's an addict. (Not everyone is an addict,)

One behavior one day led to a year and a half of binge eating and 120 lbs gained. Had i seen clearly where that one behavior was leading, i might have been less likely to continue on in that groove.

_ _ _

It is good to remember that when we force ourself to enter a new positive groove, there will be resistance, but ultimately, we will feel BETTER and be BETTER! Cleaning is hard. We'll be happy for it. Exercise is hard. We'll be happy for it. Choosing raw takes effort. We'll be happy for it.

Starting a new groove is a very groovy thing!

Try it out!

xoxo michelle joy

AFTER VACATION REALITY...

2011-07-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hiya :=)

Back home...

Kind of a serious letdown after a fun time away.

Today was one of those days where I was unable to accomplish much. I think i just needed to retreat and recharge my batteries.

Ken and Deb's home life is so organized that Cliff and I were so inspired to come home and get our own home life more under control.

We're packrats, the both of us. It's a challege having each of us prone to the same sloppiness, with neither one of us the "neatnik" in control, pushing the other towards cleanliness and organization.

We're at our best when we are working together getting stuff done. We can be very productive.

We're at our worst when we just let each other get away with being out of control sloppy.

Until we get a live-in maid (my DREAM!), we just have to bugger down and get working and start bringing out the best in each other, instead of the worst.

Deb and Ken are really good examples of how to create a managable, functional, pleasurable home life. We really aspire to that.

We have a big wonderful home, but we rarely have guests over because the house isn't in order.

Today, we had the best intentions to work together to get the kitchen organized and rearranged, old stuff donated to the Salvation Army, throw out ineffective storage, etc..., but I became overwhelmed, and like a typical food addict, dug my head in the sand.

On the positive side, instead of binge eating to forget my overwhelm, I went to sleep until 3:30pm. It's not really a great way to cope, but it's a lot less calories.

_ _ _

I have a lot on my mind, overwhelmed in many areas.

I'm broke with a bill due Thursday.

My car brakes died, again, and to fix them would be $2,000. We're considering buying a new car, but can't afford it.

I have music to prepare for the VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL, http://www.vibrantlivingfestival.com/, in which i'm singing opera, on July 31st. (Hope you'll come!)

I have an opera to prepare for which i'll be performing in November, Rossini's MOSE', the story of Moses.

On top of that, i have a mess of a house.

_ _ _

Just like the out of control behavior of binge eating, creating messes is a similar coping mechanism that i use to deflect myself from my real issues, i suppose. I am messier when i am stressed. Money stresses seem to cause the bigger messes.

There are things I can do to make money. I just haven't been willing to do them yet.

I sang so well today, creating my 7 song/aria program for the VIBRANT LIVING FESTIVAL, i'm left wondering why i'm not making more money singing opera. I have to get out there and audition. I have to create a website.

You know what? It's a really good time to give all of my "to-do's" to God, ask Him to help me get everything done that i need to. I am too tired of carrying around all of these burdens.

"Lord, i need your help with money. I'm going to trust you that i'll be able to pay this bill on Friday. I'm going to trust you that my singing career is in your hands. You know I want to sing professionally. I'm going to trust you that this house WILL get in order this summer. I'm going to trust you that my car situation will be resolved. Please find me a new car or help me fix the one I have. Please continue to help me sing beautifully and optimally. It feels so good to sing at my potential. Please help me to continue to take singing lessons with Arturo. It's $100 a lesson and I'm going to trust you for the funds. I put all of my burdens and needs in your hands, Lord. I trust that they are all being supernaturally worked on as we speak.
Thank you, Father."

The rest of the summer, I just have to focus on getting the house in order, getting my finances in order, getting my singing career in order.

_ _ _

Cliff did a great job in the kitchen without me, while i hybernated in bed. He's a good guy. He got rid of the excess furniture that wasn't working in there, he moved the kitchen table, reorganized shelves, rearranged storage. It looks better in there.

Our environments really affect how we feel.

Suddenly, we're hanging out in the kitchen more, because it looks so nice and feels so nice to be in there.

I tend to get depressed in the living room because it's messy and makes me feel paralyzed to do anything to help it.

_ _ _

I am reminded: Cleaning is like exercise. No one wants to do it. But you feel so much better afterwards. It just takes a little effort, and then the positive action creates momentum, which creates more positive action.

_ _ _

No exercise today. But, it's ok to take a rest. I've been working hard on exercise the last week, even on vacation! Everyone needs time sometimes to recharge their batteries.

_ _ _

Yesterday, i ate heavier on the road than i had during the week away.

I remind myself that patterns are meant to be broken. We have to take each day as it comes and go with the flow of our complex desires.

Yesterday, I had smoothie for breakfast.

For lunch, I had salad at Wendy's with homemade cashew cheese and raw pizza flavored crackers, which felt appropriate to my hunger level. I was feeling very hungry and was satisfied when i was done.

For dinner, I was mostly just bored from the 9 hour drive home and not terribly hungry. Nevertheless, I had the zucchini spaghetti with leftover cashew cheese and homemade marinara sauce with 1/2 avo over it at the Turnpike Rest Stop. Though it was a ballsy thing to do which carried a good share of raw pride, I didn't really enjoy it. It was very rich. I hid behind my large bag so i wouldn't cause too much attention, and it was a too heavy meal which didn't really match my level of hunger. Traveling in a car for 10 hours is bound to make anyone even normal with food go a little batty and want to be stimulated, let alone someone with food issues. All in all, I can't really complain too loudly about spiralizing zucchini at a rest stop. That's an A+ just for the effort.

Cliff and I shared a banana whip at home, which i enjoyed very much.

_ _ _

Today i had barely an appetite, and that's to be expected with yesterday's heavier fare.

_ _ _

Yet, this morning, i was obsessing about going to eat out at ALL THE WAY LIVE http://www.alllivefood.com/ and get 3 take out meals!!!! I so want to try their new raw burger and raw lasagna, and i love their 5 plop platter where you choose from among 8 or so different raw salads they make: squash toona, wild rice, corn salad, cabbage slaw, kale salad, marinated mushrooms, seaweed salad, etc... The 5 plop platter is really enough for 2 meals, and I knew the idea for these excessive takeout meals, which would really amount to 4 meals, was a set up for trouble, but it's really what i wanted....

I didn't do it. But, i wanted to.

But no wonder i was obsessing over food. I'm stressed with money and music and needing to clean and get organized and coming back home from vacation is a let down.

Facing reality is often no fun when reality is not a pleasing sight.

I'm glad at least i didn't give into food compulsion.

Time to get cleaning up my various messes....

At least my food is still under control.

FOOD TODAY
Br: Smoothie - choc, banana, raspberry, raw honey

L: fresh homegrown tomato with basil flowers sprinkled over it and 1 tsp of infused olive oil and a little sea salt. Mmmm, so good!

D: fruity tootie smoothie - mango, raspberry, purple grapes, banana, raw honey. So good! tasted just like sherbet!

S: green smoothie - collards, banana.

xoxo michelle joy

TRUST AND FAITH WIN OUT!

2011-07-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

Maybe i'm just in a nausiatingly happy raw honeymoon phase now, but i'm positively exstatic and want to let you know that JOYFUL LIVING IS possible! Woot, woot, woot!

Back on raw over 7 weeks, and I feel FANTASTIC! I want to shout it from the rooftops!

I went to the movies last night with Debbie and her sister and fit in the movie seat easily! And in every car that Deb or Ken drive us in, the seatbelt fits! What a blessing!

I also have been walking easily and long...daily! Today I went for a walk this morning for 45 minutes, and later on, Deb and I went out for at least another 40 minute walk! Okay, my feet hurt on the 2nd walk, but what's so amazing - is this return to a lust for movement, like i had at OHI! I can move better lighter, but more than that, I WANT to MOVE!

Sacrificing my drug of choice (cooked food) is the best decision I ever made!

I’m so THRILLED (can you hear me?) to be doing so well with raw, exercising daily, LOSING WEIGHT and INCHES…..seemingly EFFORTLESSLY, practicing raw this new way!!!

I just want to squeel with delight!

Yes, raw takes effort, but it’s EFFORTLESS EFFORT because you supernaturally WANT to do it, you actually WANT to eat that raw food, so it doesn’t feel like effort at all! You gladly do what you have to do!

At a turnpike rest stop today (you know the places where everyone stands in long lines for Nathan’s hotdogs or Roy Rodgers chicken?), I actually whipped out my spiralizer at my table (in front of so many people), and spiralized zucchini for my dinner! Cliff saw onlookers eyeballing me, but chuckled at my ballsyness. I figured if anyone would have asked what the hell I was doing, I’d share with them that I am a raw vegan and that I’ve lost over 90 lbs total eating this way!

[Three times I've brought cashew cream and raw crackers in my purse with me to restaurants, too, on this trip, so i can enjoy my meal and not be starving an hour later from just a salad! If regular restaurants don't accommodate a hearty raw meal, i'll do it myself!]

I get great perks these days, too, in the romance department. Cliff is so happy to have his happy honey back, he hugged and kissed me this morning with such genuine love and affection and said, “I love you, Michelle!” with real feeling in his voice and in his kiss. He also added, “I’m so proud of you. It looks like you’ve lost 10-15 lbs more!”

I may be nuts, but i think i have!

Thinking i've lost more without really KNOWING is so EXCITING and FRIGHTENING all in one!

I'll tell you one thing - the skirt on my bathing suit doesn’t hike up anymore, and I don’t look like I’m carrying around spare tires on every part of my body (you know, that blown up Michelin Man look) like i did 7.5 weeks ago.

When i picture myself in the outfit i had on today when i wore it 7.5 weeks ago, i looked a lot different. I was all blown up like a balloon and the entire outfit was VERY VERY TIGHT on me with LOTS of visible ROLLS. In fact, i tried it on, but couldn't wear it, it looked so bad.

Now my orange shirt is hanging...especially in the waist area. The difference is remarkable. Unless i'm totally nuts and just imagining it?

_ _ _

You know, i really had to think HARD about that. Search my memory about how that outfit fit before. Because we food addicts have such a hard time with denial and with remembering really how bad things were or are, we deny how fat we are or were, and how much better or worse we are today. We poo poo progress instead of celebrate it! And we obsess over our failures. We're really bad at that. We so easily give in with a peice of chocolate cake because we can't acknowledge, see, remember, or believe the progress we've made. We don't take the TIME to sit with feeling discouraged, but NOT act on it, to give us the TIME to come to realize, "Shit, i'm doing fabulously!"

_ _ _

YES, I think i've lost 50 lbs!

_ _ _

Some people can’t believe that raw food does anything special for you. “Why would you want to eat rabbit food all day? I just don't understand it!”

Why?

BECAUSE IT"S HEALTHY, full of ENZYMES, and NUTRITION, because it TASTES DELICIOUS, IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, it takes away my COMPULSIONS for binge eating, IT TAKES my SNORING away, it promises to take away any other DISEASES i may have because it is STRENGTHENING MY IMMUNE SYSTEM, IT HELPS ME LOSE WEIGHT without gastric bypass, IT MAKES me FEEL HAPPY BECAUSE RAW ALKELIZES ME (a side benefit of alkelization is mood enhancement), IT TAKES DEPRESSION AWAY, IT TAKES REFLUX AWAY, it takes nagging HUNGER away, my belly feels NOTHING all day! Need i go on?

RAW is my little secret WONDER DRUG! I gladly spiralize in public and bring containers of cashew cheese with me to Wendy's and look like a wacked out weirdo for...THIS...JOY!

_ _ _

You know how beer makes you drunk? How coffee makes you buzzed? How a box of chocolates gets your heart racing? How oysters make you feel turned on? How thanksgiving turkey puts you to sleep? How a sugary fatty donut picks you up and drops you low later? How biting into some ooey gooey cheese pizza gets you excited, but then after 4 peices, leaves you feeling stuffed, bloated, heavy, belchy and only wanting to sit in front of the TV flipping channels??

Food......AFFECTS.......how......we.......feel.

There is no denying it any longer.

GOOD...HEALTHY...RAW....FOOD makes you feel GOOD and HEALTHY and ALIVE!

"Comfort foods" that are unhealthy and dead make you feel dead!

Maybe not at first. But they do!

(Come on, you know they do. Who are we kidding here?)

_ _ _

I am finding that as long as I don’t overeat fat too too too much (i've been keeping it to one meal a day as much as i want, which turns out not to be as much as you'd expect), and as long as I keep my fatty meal for DINNER (a fatty afternoon meal i've confirmed zaps me of energy), and as long as I exercise strenuously and daily, and as long as i listen to my body’s hunger/fullness signals and eat until i'm pleasantly satisfied, and drink plenty of water, ....raw food is making me feel...and become...TRANSFORMED!

_ _ _

I’ve been experiencing so much Euphoria lately that I finally understand when raw foodists talk about raw food giving them so much energy and happy feelings!

It's true!

Happy, happy, happy!

_ _ _

This is one of the first times, on my own, that I’ve been eating moderate fat raw without bingeing on it...and i'm losing weight~!!!!!! The only other time i did this was at OHI.

Remember the balance I always talked about that i wanted so desperately?

I think i've found it!

_ _ _

Truth be know, today I feel like fucking WONDER WOMAN. After that 45 minute walk AND my 40 minute walk later, I am absolutely and positively vibrating...with JOY!

I feel so empowered like I can do anything!

Exercise is known for elevating the mood, and coupled with raw food, wow, what a combo!

_ _ _ _

If you’re still binge eating and still stuck in misery, I know your pain. I can’t believe I was back there where you are just weeks ago. I know how you suffer. I know you feel like you can't stop eating. I know you feel like crap. I know you cry and wonder if anyone out there understands you and can help you.

I understand.

I know how bad it can get with obesity and binge eating - the shame, self hatred.

I was having trouble wiping myself on the toilet 50 lbs ago. How low do you think i felt from that? And the car was getting too tight for me, i could hardly move the steering wheel. And i could hardly walk to the car, let alone get in it.

I was feeling pretty miserable.

But yet i couldn't stop eating. Binge. Binge. Binge. Fast Food. Fast Food. Fast Food.

BELIEVE me, a few WEEKS on raw make a HUMONGOUS DIFFERENCE!

I NEVER want to go back there again!

I refuse to allow that to be my life again~!

_ _ _ _

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIS FEELS!

_ _ _

Food is not comfort. Comfort is comfort. You need a cry. A shoulder to cry on. A God to look up to. A friend to hug. A parent to run to. A movie or book to curl up with. A hot bath to soak in.

Food lies. You WON'T feel better. Don't listen to it.

_ _ _

Raw will clean you out and set you straight. You won't recognize yourself!

Go on, try it!

I dare you!

Make the commitment to eat raw today!

If you need to like i do, view cooked as an addiction (i needed to, maybe you need to, too. Or find what level of raw works for you, some may need 100%, some may be fine with 70% or less. We all have to find our own unique individual way).

Suffer through the first few days of healthy food, and be your best friend by listening to your hunger/fullness at every meal.

Get your body moving every day, and drink water, and I promise, you will begin to feel better and look better, very very very soon!

TRUST ME!

I'M LEARNING TO TRUST...You have to LEARN to TRUST!

_ _ _ _ _

Go cold turkey like me, or eat everything you eat with LOVE, even if it's not raw. Love yourself no matter what. You'll get there. TRUST that you will!

_ _ _

WE'VE BEEN BURNED SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. EVEN WITH RAW PROGRAMS THAT PROMISE THE WORLD. I DON'T THINK ANY RAW "PLAN" WILL GET YOU ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU LEARN TO TRUST and LISTEN TO YOURSELF, YOUR HUNGER/FULLNESS, YOUR OWN NEEDS, and fill yourself with LOVE and FAITH!

_ _ _

Raw is not a diet.

Raw is ABUNDANCE and the pathway to a new life~!

_ _ _

I'm finding i can eat ANYTHING raw I want, I just try to go light during the day and save my heavy meal for later, and move, move, move!

I'm trusting that eating dessert, eating avo, eating nuts will see me lose weight, because that's the way i want it!

[I wait. Wait until i'm H U N G R Y! I skip bfast if i'm not hungry. I go for a LONG STRENUOUS but JOYOUS walk! Then I wait until i feel pleasantly starving (HUNGRY ON RAW IS SO DIFFERENT, SO TOLERABLE and PLEASURABLE)! I drink a smoothie and eat fruit during the day, and then a sensible gourmet dinner. If I've really worked hard with exercise that day, i may be hungry for a small fat free raw snack later (some berries, or apple). Routines are made to be broken at times, too. If i eat a little heavier one day, my body adjusts and i'm not as hungry the next. That's it!]

My trust has not yet been broken! My body and innate wisdom guide me! I'm finding my balance! I'm eating gourmet...and loving it...AND losing, just like at OHI!

I guess the difference now is returning to INNOCENT BELIEF in RAW, coupled with BODY AWARENESS.

_ _ _

But, I'm human, and I’ve experienced some significant moments of doubt over the last few days.
Can this REALLY be working? I've tried gourmet before and all i do is binge or don't lose or gain! I'm eating gourmet every night for dinner...am I really losing weight?

Since I don’t weigh myself anymore, I can’t really tell. And I have had a few episodes of serious fear. Am I trusting something that is going to let me down like everything i've ever tried??????

_ _ _

Cliff laundered some of my clothes for me before the trip, so they were all nice and fresh and clean. What a pleasure it was to reach into my suitcase in Ohio and find fresh smelling clean clothes!

But, when I put on my orange outfit, I expected it to be looser if I’d lost weight.

And I was so scared! I KNEW how much better i looked, i could SEE it in the mirror, but was the mirror fooling me? I KNEW i was moving and not overeating or bingeing. So why weren't the clothes baggier?

I wracked my brain trying to remember how they fit me before and i couldn't remember.

I wanted to run to the scale and weigh myself right away!

_ _ _ _

But I didn’t. I just bit my lip and suffered a little ego deflation in silence and kept telling myself, "Okay, if you haven't lost, you will, if you just continue to put ONE foot in front of the other and not give up, and continue to only eat when you're hungry, and only eat enough to satisfy, and continue to exercise, there is no way you won’t eventually lose weight, Michelle."

It calmed me.

And brought back vivid vivid memories of what that outfit used to look like on me 7.5 weeks ago.
Wow....i remember now.....it didn't FIT!

My patience paid off. I'm so glad i didn't binge over the overreaction to NOTHING.

It finally dawned on me - my clothes were not loose because they’d been dried in the dryer and shrunk!

Hallelujah, my trust was not in vane!!!!

The grey clouds parted and the sun beamed through!

I am losing weight all on my own and on my own terms!

The second day I wore those clothes, they’d loosened up SIGNIFICANTLY!!!! There was no denying it anymore. I have definitely lost a good deal of weight!

Cliff hugged me and confirmed, “Oh, yeah. I can get my arms around you again! Definitely! Look how baggy your orange outfit is!”

And it was! So different than 7.5 weeks ago, my God!

Darned dryer scaring me like that! I woulda fucked up my diet before over that fear. I woulda run right to food to "make me feel better."

Extra food doesn't make me feel better.

_ _ _

Honestly, I feel like I’ve lost 50 lbs, like I weigh 325, but I’m not going to run to the scale and peak! I don’t want to ruin the wonderful roll I’m on with a possible discouragement or dissappointment. Maybe i didn't really lose that much and i'm in denial??

SO WHAT!

Who CARES????

DENIAL can be GREAT!

IT MEANS I'M WORKING "THE SECRET!"

I'M LIVING AND BELIEVING in "WHAT I WANT"....INSTEAD OF MOURNING AND LAMENTING AND COMPLAINING and CURSING "WHAT IS!"

Fuck the truth, i'll take beautiful lies any day because they will lead me to where i want to go! I am NOT giving up...no matter WHAT i weigh!

_ _ _

LIVE IN THE PROCESS...NOT IN THE RESULTS. LET GOD TAKE CARE OF THE RESULTS. YOU DO YOUR JOB, LET HIM DO HIS!

_ _ _

I just wanna keep on trusting and having faith because it makes my heart happy and makes me feel so good and it makes me SMILE!

And weighing myself brought me mostly MISERY!

_ _ _

A smile is CONTAGIOUS, so is a HAPPY HEART AND BRIGHT CHEERY SPIRIT!

_ _ _

Sometimes i feel like the DEVIL wants to take me down. That muthereffer....!

I ain't gonna let him! I'm gonna have to kill that sumunabitch! There ain't no room here for him and me!

xoxo michelle joy

GETTING PHYSICAL IN OHIO!

2011-07-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

Hey there, Rawfood Fans,

Hope you're all doing well!

Here's some photos from our trip to Ken and Debbie's in Ohio from 2 years ago, since we don't seem to be taking pictures this time!

We've been visiting Ken and Debbie since Saturday and will be here until Friday morning. We're having a great time!

There's my Cliff throwing a frisbee from our last trip, playing "disk golf," a frisbee game, at the Disk Golf course.

Here is Ken at the disk golf course, setting up an amazing shot into the metal goalee.

On our last visit, we did a fair amount of this frisbee game since they have 5 or 6 Disk Golf parks in Dayton, and Ken is an AMAZING AMAZING disk-golf-frisbee-dude. Cliff and Ken are going to play tonight. [Addendum: There was a competition, and Ken came in 5th and won $12!]

Debbie and I are having a girls night out with her sister tonight. You may remember a post long ago about the MUSTARD SISTERS, where I made a raw food dinner for all of us. The sisters with the last name Mustard and I dreamed of opening a raw restaurant together and calling it 'THE MUSTARD SEED!"

Here's Ms. Debbie Mustard at the frisbee park cradling her and Ken's beloved doggie (the most wonderful poodle in the world), Walter! We just adore Walter. He is the perfect dog!

I'm having a nice time moving my bod here in Ohio! I just got back from a 45 min early morning walk in Ken and Debbie's very peaceful lovely neighborhood in Dayton, Ohio. I'd gotten up early and wanted to get a walk in before it got too hot.

I just try to enjoy and be free and easy with movement. I don't take my pulse or set crazy unachievable goals or make myself go fast if i feel slow or any of that. I go with the flow!

Pressure and rules are completely unnecessary in my book today. I just get out there and ENJOY and move, look at the birdies, look at the houses, admire the general splendor, smile and just keep moving, no pressure, I just DO it. A very wise approach. Guilt-free exercise. As long as I do it, I'm a winner!

I worked up quite a sweat this morning, and enjoyed the walk very much. Nice breeze, not too-too hot yet, and it felt very very good! I got lost and found my way back home! Hey, i've got a good sense of direction!

Feeling good and able - is a gift i give myself now!

I TRUST that all of this daily exercise coupled with with raw is going to get me where I want to go.

Yesterday, Debbie and I took a brisk walk as we did the previous days, very nice to have a motivated walking partner! Debbie is a statuesque 5'10, and has looooong legs and can walk fast, so I have to keep up with her! We also walked around Home Depot and Loews doing some shopping, yesterday. That's exercise, too! Every little bit counts! We also parked far from the store, so we had to walk a few feet more! I was TiRED last night!

When we were at the lake, Debbie and I, or Cliff and I, went for enjoyable walks around the lake community neighborhood. Man, was that nice! Such cute lake houses! RUSSELLS POINT is a lovely little town that Ohio-ans fill up every weekend in their summer weekend lake houses that surround the lovely and very big INDIAN LAKE. After the weekend is over, they all depart back home to other towns in Ohio.

When we walked in the evening, watching the purple and orange sunset over the lake....that was AMAZING!

You really start to appreciate nature the more and more you get out!

You know, don't feel bad. NO ONE WANTS to exercise, until you START. The trick is, you just have to start.

THEN you begin to enjoy it, and the more you do it, the more you enjoy it, and the more and more and more you do it, the more and more and more you enjoy it, AND the more you ENJOY it, the more you DO it, ad infinitum, etc, etc, etc!!

Moving your bod is a wonderful cycle that feeds itself of desire and joy mixed with effort and work, mixed with pleasure and feeling good and getting stronger and liking it...all feeding off of each other!

I encourage you to exercise today!

Imagine yourself eating a bag of greasy chips right now, while plopped in front of the TV.

How do you feel afterwards?

Now imagine yourself working out at the gym or going for a strenuous swim or walk!

Now...how do you feel afterwards?

EXERCISE MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, LOOK BETTER, BE BETTER!

We never WANT to DO it, but no one ever finishes exercising and says, "Man, i'm sorry I did that!"

Swimming in the INDIAN LAKE was an experience I will NEVER forget - 85 degree water that felt like you were taking a bath!! With the temperature of the water, you felt like you could stay in that lake...forever! I didn't swim laps because i had shoes on and it's like almost impossible to swim with shoes on. (It's ooky to touch sand on my feet sometimes, especially if i can't see bottom.) But, just swimming around for an hour having fun must burn something up!

We all slept good that night!

When i think back to my days at OHI when i lost 140 lbs on raw in 8 months, I remember that EXERCISE was a HUGE part of my program. I often walked for hours because my job at the retreat was less than 20 hours a week, so i had lots of time on my hands....and no CAR! I had NO choice if i wanted to go somewhere, i had to WALK! I'd go walking for hours, then i'd go swim or water walking, and then i'd walk back home! I just kept moving! I loved to have a goal - to the library! To the market! To go buy a new size 18 shirt! To the Thrift Store!

I aspire to continue along in that vein now. Walking. Walking. Walking!

When i watch EXTREME MAKEOVERS WEIGHT LOSS EDITION, I become very inspired to move and it becomes impossible to make excuses. Trainer Chris Powell has his SUPER-obese clients exercising for 4-5 hours A DAY! On the last episode, Wally, nearly 400 lbs then, walked over 100 flights of stairs in the Sears Roebuck Building. Powell said, "I don't care if you crawl on all fours, you're finishing this." And he did.

Can you IMAGINE how GREAT he felt?

If he can do THAT weighing MORE than ME, i can do ANYTHING!

(And so can YOU!)

We are only limited by our own fears, our own false beliefs about our limitations, and the excuses we choose to believe.

Break free from yourself, from that part of you that holds you back from getting and being better.

Flap your arms for 30 minutes or go outside and walk around the block. Breath in the fresh air, listen to the birds chirp, and thank God that you are alive today and able to do WHAT YOU CAN.

We don't exercise sometimes because we think we'll WAIT until we get HEALTHIER to start.

That's such a lie. In 6 months from now, you'll be WORSE STUCK in a RUT, HEAVIER and MORE addicted to food than ever.

Choose to break FREE TODAY!

It only takes ONE positive action to start the ball rolling.

You can do it! I believe in you!

Because if I can do it? YOU CAN DO IT!

We are all INFINITELY SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL than we believe.

Start to believe TODAY.

YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT!

xoxo michelle joy

MAKING VACATION WORK ON RAW....and RISING ABOVE FOOD ADDICTION WITH RAW!

2011-07-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hiya Pure Raw Joy Fans :-))

Here are Cliffy and I with Cliff's catch - a large mouth bass! We're staying with friends of ours in OHIO, and having a blast!

We spent 2 days on INDIAN LAKE, staying on Ken and Debbie's trailer at the SABO'S LAKEFRONT RESORT, fishing on Ken's pontoon boat, sunning, funning, singing, relaxing, having a great time!

Ken, Debbie and Cliff all fished. (I just watched and rooted them on!)

Tomorrow I'm 7 weeks raw, yay! I'm exercising and looking better, losing weight slowly. I think i've lost about 40 lbs. Maybe more? Not sure. Still not weighing myself, which i love! I never have to get discouraged or depressed about my weight. I accept myself and feel good about me!

To keep me staying RAW on the trip, which I told Cliff was paramount, we filled our red igloo with lots of wonderful fruits and veggies, kept cold with the blue squishy freezer packs. We traded on and off with ice and the freezer packs, re-freezing the packs when they lost their cold.

I brought apples, zucchini, lettuce, tomatoes, onion, jalapenos, avocados, lots of lemons, garlic, cherries, peaches, strawberries, bananas. Everything i could think that i'd need produce-wise for smoothies and for salads.

I also brought the vitamix and the food processor. Now that we are back in Ken and Debbie's home in DAYTON, OHIO, i may use the food processor. So far, we only used the Vitamix to blend up smoothies for breakfast on the trailer patio. This morning's smoothie was so tart and refreshing - strawberry, banana, bing cherrie. Wow, yum!

We also brought carob powder and raw honey and coconut flakes and other dry smoothie ingredients (maca, etc...).

I brought a case of salad-making-raw-stuff like raw vinegar, olive oil, celtic salt, nutritional yeast, pepper, nori wraps, cashews, almonds, sunflower seeds.

So far everything has worked like a charm! We've had smoothies or fruit for breakfast, take fruit snacks with us in a small igloo on the fishing boat for lunch, and for dinner, while everyone ate fresh caught INDIAN LAKE catfish, bluegill and bass, i had most of the big fresh RAW salad which i prepared for everyone. No one even knew everything was raw (vinegar, sunflower seeds, etc...) Debbie said, "You make a GOOD salad!

_ _ _

RISE ABOVE FOOD ADDICTION WITH RAW
Last night in the trailer i watched the latest episode of EXTREME MAKEOVERS WEIGHT LOSS EDITION. I usually hate those weight loss shows, but i like this one.

Last night's episode featured Wally, a fast food addict. "I don't know why I can't stop eating fast food. What's wrong with me?," Wally cried to trainer Chris Powell.

Powell reprimanded Wally when Wally lied to him about what he'd been eating, "I trusted you and you're spitting in my face to turn your back on this opportunity. This is an opportunity of a lifetime! And you lie to me? You sever my trust? The trust of your wife? And daughter? For some fast food? How often have you been eating it?"

"Every day," Wally confessed crying.

I so related to Wally. I, too, am a fast food addict. And, i, too, could not stop. I could NOT STOP. Nothing mattered but eating and getting my next fix. The more i ate it, the more I wanted it. The more I wanted it, the more depressed I got and the more I needed it. It was a vicious cycle of addiction and comfort eating. Plus, they put all kinds of stuff in there to addict you.

Wally and Powell had a 12 month agreement for the show. Wally would work out with Powell daily for 3 months, then he'd be on this own for the next 9 months, with 3 month check ins at 6 months, 9 months and finally at 12 months for the final weigh in. Wally was also to check in with Powell every few days. Wally lied in his check ins, said he was exercising and following the diet plan.

Wally never made it to the 12 month final weigh in. At the 3 month mark with Powell working him out daily, the formerly 500 lb. Wally lost over 100 lbs. At the 6 month mark, with only himself as his own trainer, Wally lost only 20 more lbs. when he should have lost an additional 70 if he followed Powell's plan. At the 9 month mark, Wally returned to his addiction full blown, couldn't stop eating fast food, and Wally had gained 60 lbs back of the 120 that he lost. No matter how hard he tried, Wally could not break the hold that fast food had on him. He never once asked for help.

Because of his lying, the trust and agreement with Powell was broken.

Wally was suicidal, unable to stop eating fast food, and Powell could no longer help him.

Powell put Wally into hospitalized food rehab.

Please read Wally's story here: http://realitytvmagazine.sheknows.com/2011/07/11/extreme-makeover-weight-loss-edition-wally-wages-war-on-food-addiction/

_ _ _

I've been to 4 food rehabs.

They NEVER helped.

When you are a food addict and you eat addictive food, you have such intense cravings for it. Your stomach gurgles all day and you feel so driven to eat and eat and eat.

When i went back to eating cooked after 3.5 years on raw, i realized just how very addicted i am to cooked food. Now that i am back on raw, life is suddenly FUNCTIONAL, instead of DYSFUNCTIONAL.

_ _ _

Whatever diet they put Wally on, i think, kept him in a constant state of craving. A little rice, a little chicken. His stomach probably gurgled all day, and I'm sure he felt starving like i used to on Weight Watchers. His cooked food cravings were too strong to resist. Just like mine.

On raw? My stomach NEVER gurgles. When i feel hungry it's very tolerable and never makes me feel out of control like i do on cooked. On cooked, i'm like an addict who needs a fix ALL DAY!

_ _ _

MY HEART HURTS FOR WALLY. I WISH HE KNEW WHAT I KNOW
After just a few days back on raw food, (now it's been almost 7 weeks), i felt it - FREEDOM from cravings, FREEDOM from constant stomach acid gurgling.

Did you know that on raw food your stomach creates only 1/2 cup of stomach acid? And on cooked food, 1 gallon?

The freedom i feel on raw is extraordinary.

_ _ _

You would think it takes a lot of miserable effort and willpower to stay raw.

Au contraire!!

It's takes a lot of miserable effort and willpower to eat cooked in moderation!!! I could NEVER stay on a diet. 1 oz of potato chips and 1/2 cup of icecream. Who are we kidding? Things slid out of control eventually. I could never maintain "moderation." Never. Dieting on cooked food feels impossible because I am a food addict. As long as i have my substance of choice in me, I'm craving it!

I am a cooked food addict.

_ _ _

Yes, understanding our emotions, our hurts and how we've been abused is incredibly important (things you learn in rehab), but rehab never gave me back control with food. Never.

Finally, i have control.

RAW is EMPOWERING. It takes you OUT of the addiction loop, completely. You sever ties with all of your former binge foods and you learn to listen to YOU, to your hungers and needs.

I'm doing raw all new now. I don't binge on Brad's chips anymore. Those days are long gone.

_ _ _

I actually WANT to eat the raw stuff. My body does not produce a gurgle or send growls to my stomach for cooked food anymore. I can watch Cliff and my friends eating fried fish and cheetos and potato chips and it doesn't bother me one iota. I don't even WANT to cheat. Nothing in my body urges to eat that stuff anymore. Simple awesome! I decline offers to dig in and don't feel badly about it...at all! I decline because i actually don't WANT it. And i don't want to activate my disease again. So knowing that a little will never be enough...keeps me in check. I don't even take a little.

RAW helps you rise above food addiction!!!

PURE RAW JOY is a good place to be in again!

If you are a food addict and you need to talk, please contact me: LaSoprana@aol.com.

xoxo michelle joy

VACATION!

2011-07-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

Just got back from my two days Arnold's Way working as a raw chef :-))

[By the way, I made the yummiest pate' today, "sour cream and chive dip," a cashew dip with garlic, onion and scallions. If i would have had chives, i'd have put them in! The scallions did the trick! It made a yummy nori wrap! Stop by Arnold's Way to try some!]

I'll be going away to OHIO for a week with Cliff! Friends of ours hauled their trailer to INDIAN LAKE and asked us to join them!

I'm excited to get away, swim in the lake, be in the sun and have fun with our friends, but I'm concerned about how i will handle raw on someone else's trailer (limited refrig space). But we decided, we'd bring the big red igloo, i'll buy veggies and fruit daily, and we'll buy ice daily if we need to. So, with the igloo, i'll have my own private "fridge"....in the car. We'll bring the blue freezer packs and maybe i can freeze them in Ken and Debbie's trailer freezer overnight.

I'm purposely not bringing any dehydrated snacks, breads, crackers, etc... I'm going to go simple for the next week. The only thing i'm bringing with on the trip is raw vinegar for salads, some seeds, and produce for the 9 hour drive, and then we'll purchase what i need daily when we get there.

Oh, on a side note, our vitamix broke the other day! Man, was that scary! We use it daily..what would we do? I called Vitamix and explained to them the noises it was making. They directed me to a place called Harrisons in West Chester, PA that sells Vitamix replacement parts for commercial Vitamixes. Turns out the grinding noise and the blade not turning meant we needed a whole new canister, that some kind of important part wore out. The good news was it only cost us $100.00. We were so scared we'd need a whole new Vitamix! I'm jazzed about the new clean cannister. Mine was about 15 years old!

The bad news is, I'm not sure how i feel bringing my raw machinery on the trip...you know, being in someone else's trailer. After discussing it, Cliff is going to ask Ken and see if it is okay bring the Vitamix, and the Cuisinart food processor. We could leave them in the car if need be and break them out when we want to use them. It will give me more variety with smoothies and pate's, etc...

Arnold suggested i bring the spaghetti machine, too, good idea, because when you make spaghetti, at least it feels like a "real meal" when you eat it.

I'm envisioning uncomfortable dinners in a small trailer with me eating cucumber slices, but i just have to make it work, every meal, every day, and make it as comfortable as i can for myself, while not getting in their way, you know?

Tricky situation.

Pray for me if you think of it?

I hope and plan on doing really well, staying raw into my 7th week, which will start this coming Wednesday, and getting lots of exercise in, and getting really really tan! Your positive vibes will help!

Well, gotta run. I've got some packing to do!

If i can get to a library in Ohio, i'll check in!

xoxo michelle joy

LISTENING IN...TUNING IN...IS A SKILL THAT TAKES PRACTICE. HOW DO WE LEARN? BY FAILING DAILY.

2011-07-07T04:27:00.001-07:00

Morning,

I was watching something yesterday...or was i listening to the radio...?...to a preacher... Oh, i remember, it was a movie! A priest in a movie was taking confession, and this is what the priest said, "We are all programmed to sin. That's why we need to ask God into our hearts to guide us daily, because without him, we will live in sin."

That really touched me. Heck, i'm not so unlike other folks then.

Last night for dinner, i felt like i was sinning.

It wasn't anything really terrible, my dinner just didn't resonate with what my body seemingly wanted, i didn't enjoy it, and I said to myself, "you see? there you go again making bad choices for yourself..." (which feels like a sin).

Lemme start from the beginning of the day.

I woke up not hungry, took a swim, got seriously hungry, came into my mom's house and had a big satisfying peice of watermelon. Great!

About 1:30p.m., i was hungry again. We were on our way out to go shopping. I opened the bag of pizza flavored raw chips i'd bought yesterday, and finished the small bag. I recall halfway in between the eating session feeling like i should stop, that i could stop, that they didn't taste as good anymore and i was already satisfied, but i ate until they were done. They were a small bag, but the point is i ate more than i needed. I was just noticing at this point and there was no self recrimination, no real guilt, no beating myself up. Just noticing.

We went shopping and i marveled how well i can get around now. I'd gotten to the point 40-some lbs ago where walking around was difficult.

When we got home, i had lots of work to do. I write a newsletter for work.

Finally, at 7pm i realized i was getting hungry again. I couldn't believe it took so long.

Cliff was coming over for dinner! I made him a beautiful salad and set it aside for him until he arrived.

I was going to make myself a salad, too. I was defrosting 1/2 container of the gross frozen guacamole. I also had lettuce out, cucumber, tomato, onion.

I reached into the fridge for something and saw my mom had corn on the cob! Mmm, i made a peice for Cliff and chomped on one raw myself. It was delish and hit the spot!

All of a sudden, i sighed, and felt satiated. WHAT? AFTER 1 peice of CORN?

What the hell was my body telling me? I didn't WANT to be finished with dinner...after a CORN...

I made my salad. What was i going to put on it to zip it up? I reached for regular vinegar, poured some into the cap, then pulled back. What was i doing? Regular vinegar gives me a tummy ache. I poured it back, and got a lemon out of the fridge and squirted that all over my salad. BETTER CHOICE.

I'd had a handful of cashews on my salad, the guac, the lemon, some spices, a little basil oil...and i realized that was a lotta fat, and i wasn't even that hungry.

I thoroughly did NOT enjoy the salad...and 3/4 of the way through my plate, I finally said to myself, "Michelle, if you're not enjoying this, throw it out!"

And i did!

Bravo, i told myself. I had just LISTENED to myself and TUNED IN...albeit a little late, but, still, i did it. Oh, also, i tuned in about the vinegar! Bravo, Michey!

The moral of the story is: After a lifetime of DIETING (listening to someone ELSE tell me what i need to eat), it takes practice to listen to yourself, develop confidence in listening to yourself, always make the right choices, etc...

I congratulate myself for the small successes I experienced yesterday throwing food away, recognizing the corn satisfied me, recognizing to turn from regular vinegar because i don't like how it makes my tummy feel....

So, back to my original statement about us needing God, about me needing God to guide me, otherwise, like all humans, i will fuck up royally daily...

Shall we pray? "Dear God, i remember, again, because i forget, that I need to invite you to all of my meals, i need your strength and power to guide me to the right choices for my body, i need your strength and power to stop eating when i've had enough. We all need you, God. Bless us all and give us strength. We can't do this on our own. We ask you for forgiveness, dear Father, when we, your inexperienced children, "fall down go boom." This listening in to ourselves is a skill and a journey and we will need to learn the hard way. We come to you because we want you to pick us back up again and help us walk strong after every fall. We will fall. But, you will help us to grow in confidence and skill. We acknowledge we can't learn if we don't make mistakes. Dear Lord, continue to woo us towards you, teach us what is good for us, whisper in our ears when we are about to do wrong, don't give up on us. With love... Your children."

xoxo michelle joy

A VISIT TO MOMS!

2011-07-05T19:34:00.001-07:00

Hi there,

I'm spending a few days at my moms!

She's doing pretty good. She takes enzymes religiously on my suggestion, with every meal, since she doesn't want to follow any kind of a holistic diet, and they do seem to really be doing her good. You should see how thick and shiny her hair got!

I took an early morning swim this morning and the pool was almost empty, enabling me to do laps, which i love, but i did end up getting into a conversation with one of the residents at the community here. She has cancer and is interested in holistic treatments. We talked a good long while, we exchanged info and i'll email her info on Arnold, Anna Inez, Susan Aman, all of the people i know, and the programs i know like OHI and Hippocrates that help people strengthen their immune systems so that the body heals itself of cancer.

Even though my swim was shortened by the conversation, whew am i tired!

I took an early afternoon swim yesterday at the clubhouse pool, too. Yesterday was not as succuessful as today in terms of laps. I had to swim in between the old biddies blocking my way. Could you believe that? They were like a family of ducks, migrating to every part of the pool that i wanted to go!

Everytime i think of retirement villages, i think of Del Boca Vista from Seinfeld. It is just like that here. So much crazy clicky catty stuff with the old biddies. But every now and again you meet such a nice one like Blossom, an artist, who does not want to get chemo or radiation. I'm looking forward to hearing from her.

My laps here in the outdoor pool are SO reminiscent of my blissed out swims in San Diego! God, i miss that huge olympic size lap pool at the Y outside of Lemon Grove, CA, but this one, in the sun, is not bad. At least it's in the sun. God, in San Diego, I swam and swam and swam and swam, lap after lap. I was so filled with joy, and my favorite part was becoming literaly mezmerized while swimming by watching the kaleidoscopic sun rays sparkling through the water, casting amazing geometric shadows and bright twinkles on the pool surfaces under water. Magical! It was like that again this morning because it was so sunny with those same magical twinkling pool walls, magical underwater shapes, moving, shimmying, sparkle, sparkle. My favorite part.

Can't wait to swim again tomorrow morning! Staying at Mommy's is FUN! I used to just watch TV here. I'm better!

I had watermelon for breakfast today and yesterday.

Yesterday, i was starving by 2pm.

Getting starving is kind of fun these days. You earn your food!

Yesterday, I took myself out for a treat lunch which turned out to be dissappointing.

The Earth Harvest Health Food Store was out of Awesome Foods entrees. Blooey!

I ended up with raw dehydrated snacks: Kale chips, Awesome Foods Nori Chips, some other pizza flavored chips, an Awesome Foods fudge. I grazed and tasted some of each item i bought.

Still unsatisfied with a dry dehydrated lunch, i got a small container of cucumber salad from a natural-like deli next door, which was all raw except for the vinegar.

My tummy never feels good after eating regular vinegar. And i think it kills enzymes and negates all of the nutrition in whatever you eat. At least that's what i've heard.

Still kinda hankerin' for something, i headed to the supermarket. I bought some prepackaged guacamole. Why didn't i just get the ripe avo and make my OWN? It was my first time trying the prepackaged vacume sealed stuff. And my last time. Foul.

There were no preservatives, even no lemon or lime juice, just onion and garlic and cilantro and avo and salt. What could be bad, i thought?

Actually, it was horrible.

But i ate the small container anyway. I was kinda nausiated doing it. I hated the texture, but i thought, "how can i waste this?"

Why do i treat myself like a trash disposal sometimes?

Binges are out of control things that don't stop until i'm intensely overstuffed. This was just plain overeating. That's actually humongous improvement. The worst part was not even enjoying it. One or two spoonfulls to determine i hated it...and the rest down the gullet because i didn't want to throw it out. Why treat myself so bad?

HEAR YE, HEAR YE, I AM NOT A TRASH DISPOSAL.

Time to learn to throw out food in the trash that doesn't appeal to me. Better in the trash than on my hips, or on my MIND, the worst place for a binge eater...to have food on the mind.

I'm SO GRATEFUL my mind is settled these days.

I am actually in RECOVERY, people!

The cool part WAS I forgot about it soon enough and went on with my day.

How cool is THAT?

My mom and i had a lot of work to do coordinating outfits for her upcoming Alaskan cruise. We were at it until 10pm. There were tiny rememberances of guilt and remorse about the guacamole, but really I let them go and on purpose did not allow myself to ruminate on it.

At about 10pm, i hadn't eaten since 2:30pm, and I was feeling kinda sick and tired and hungry. Some wateremelon perked me up. And that was it for the day.

I wanted to weigh myself, but knew it was part of my eating disorder and would have been self defeating. I was smart and thought ahead - I figured i'd probably be dissappointed with the number, so why do that to myself? Today i think ahead of the consequences at least with some things. Or if i'd be excited about the number, then i'd be weighing every day and restricting my food and then binge eating soon enough, again.

I'm really glad i'm sticking to this, not weighing. Actually, i wanted to do it BEFORE i went swimming. And i realized if i didn't like the number i wouldn't want to go swimming, so i said "f" to the weighing in, and lusciously enjoyed the pool and my magical water shapes.

Smart girl! I'm learning!

God, we're nuts. Not allowing ourselves to enjoy the things we love because we feel we're too "fat" for it. Moral of the story: you don't know how fat you are if you never weigh yourself. So enjoy life, eat raw, exercise, stop weighing yourself, eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full, and let the rest take care of itself. And let the trash can be your best friend. Throw food away that you don't want or need. The starving children in China will have to fend for themselves.

What i practice today is called FAITH. And it feels GREAT!

What a revelation. Do the work and let the results take care of themselves.

I froze the rest of the guacamole and okay, will use it here for my salads, so that will be useful, but that pre-packaged vacuumed stuff will most definitely not become a staple. It tastes nasty. If i hide it in a salad, it will be fine.

The nice part was that eating a dissatisfying lunch just left me feeling kind of dissappointed momentarily. THIS was success, having a shitty grazing lunch and then overeating, but still not BINGE EATING!

This is good improvement!

I also don't binge here every night like i used to, devouring all of my brother's cookies, canned raviolis, cheese, cottage cheese.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP, PEOPLE!

And if i can do it?

SO CAN YOU!

xoxo michelle joy

A DECLARATION OF INDEPENDANCE from COOKED FOOD!

2011-07-05T01:54:00.001-07:00

Happy July 4th!

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday declaring your independance from unhealthy eating! If you're still stuck in unhealthy eating, ask yourself this, "Am i truly happy? Is this the kind of life i want?"

_ _ _ _

I like to talk in depth about my successes and how i got there, breaking things down, analyzing my choices, my thoughts, my actions, in the hopes that it might help others still suffering.

BECAUSE IF I CAN DO RAW AND OVERCOME OBESITY AND BINGE EATING? SO CAN YOU!

_ _ _

I felt very, very FREE yesterday! At the July 4th BBQ we were invited to, I had no pull to overeat, no pull to take a taste of what i shouldn't, and no food compulsions at all! What a tremendous blessing this is, coming from a person who had become so obsessed with food to the point where she stuffed and stuffed and stuffed herself and was no longer able to think of anything other than food. This is how I gained 120 lbs in a year.

_ _ _

Yes, there were lots of emotions driving this obsession with food: my mother was very ill, Cliff's mom died, i felt hopeless with my weight. Food is a numbing drug.

But in people with food addiction, food takes over their lives. It becomes an all encompassing obsession that you can't seem to break free from.

Binge eating....is a wrecking ball. The destructive force is so powerful.

What's amazing, is you really FEEL like you MUST obey the distorted thoughts, the distorted hungers. You are at it's mercy.

I needed to stop this, and going raw was the answer, again. It worked the first time! 3.5 years raw and 175 lbs lost! I got through lots of emotional stuff then. I flew across the country and sang in a raw wedding. I didn't sweat it.

Emotions may drive us to want to eat, but with food addicts, just like heroin addicts, once it gets in your system, you're at it's mercy. Even too much fatty salty raw foods can trigger my addiction. I have to be vigilant. I have to walk the tiger 3x a day!

But, to be free from food addiction? It is truly incredible.

_ _ _

If you are obsessed with food, you must know, right now, how amazing it feels to be free from it's pull!

I believe there are many components that go into making us binge eaters, but above all, based on my experience, I do believe we are physically addicted to food. Over the last year, after failure after failure after failure, i finally came to terms with my addiction to cooked food.

I have tried my best this last year to learn how to eat pleasurable and delicious cooked foods in moderation, and i was not able to achieve success with this. Success always gave way to binge eating, always.

_ _ _ _

In having given up EVERYTHING even slightly allergic, you must think i suffer, having left only raw fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds, oils, seasweeds, and not much else.

The suffering was when i tried to CONTROL cooked food and constantly lost control. And woke up compelled to eat it again. And lost control. And gained. And kicked and screamed and and swore off it. And ate it again, compelled to run to the fridge, store, restaurant. Then cried I'd lost control, again. And gained more. Then ate it in moderation. Then snuck to the fridge at night for one more bite, which led to a binge. I couldn't get off of that merry-go-round.

THAT was suffering.

THIS? This PURE RAW JOY has so many merits. Yes, lots of self denial, but it doesn't FEEL that way, because i gladly do it.
_ _ _ _

My new way to eat raw is not to diet and deprive myself of everything 'good,' but to allow myself ALL of it, with one stipulation. My BODY must guide me to what is best for me, what i'm hungry for, eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i've had enough.

My head? The voices telling me to eat when i'm not hungry? Those voices are like seanymph sirens wooing me to sea. I pull away from these thoughts and ask myself, "Are you geniunely HUNGRY?"

If the answer is 'no,' I figure out what's bothering me.

_ _ _ _ _

Following hunger/fullness is traditional eating disorder therapy, and yes, it works for me, but only if i use it for raw. Some people can use this for cooked and find freedom. God bless them! I wish it could!

But i never could.

History speaks for itself.

_ _ _ _

MEDITATION has been invaluable on my journey in controlling my thoughts, desires, appetites. There is a still small voice within, and when we learn to tune into that, obey that, instead of the seanymphs wooing us, we are set free.

_ _ _

Independance from the scale and from weighing is huge. It's not about quick weight loss anymore. The days of pulling my hair out over a 1lb gain are over. I stopped weighing myself, so 1 lb doesn't matter anymore or register in my consciousness. Thank GOD!

It's about a new lifestyle, it's about stopping binge eating for good, it's about eating raw and exercising and losing weight, and trusting, that if i do these things, the weight will come off. I have restored faith. I'm not living in fear of food anymore.

_ _ _

VOICE OF THE DISEASE: "I haven't eaten salt for 2 days and if i eat this salt, i'll gain weight! Now i just ate it and i gained weight! I'm no good, i'm a failure! I might as well binge!"

NEW VOICE OF REASON: "Water weight is temporary. Enjoy this salty food in moderation if you are hungry. Stop when you've had enough. Just keep inching along exercising daily, eating raw, eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full, drinking water, eating lots of unsalty foods, and you will get there! Have faith!"

_ _ _ _ _

BBQ's are so different on raw. I converse and enjoy people instead of practice food obsession.

_ _ _

I also watch people eat regular stuff and i realize they are all normal weight and they all stop when they've had enough. They are all normal with food and i am not. They are not addicts.

RAW is my medicine out of mental illness with food.

Tomorrow will be 6 weeks raw!

_ _ _ _

I have some wonderful, wonderful friends who are immensely accommodating to my raw lifestyle. At the BBQ, I didn't have to worry one iota. There was SO MUCH for me to eat! (We'd brought watermelon in the car in case there wasn't!)

Lucille, our wonderful hostess, said, "Michelle, i have plenty of fruit for you!" And did she ever! Grapes, strawberries, plums, peaches, nectarines, watermelon! I happily chowed down on fruit until i had my fill. Thank you, Lucille!

Edging towards dinner time when everyone was eating hamburgers and hotdogs, i must admit, yes, i did feel a little sorry for myself. The burgers looked so good. "What if i had just one?"

_ _ _

From my past history, i know that meat, with it's opioids and bread with that addictive gluten are things i am not able to stop when i start. So, for today, I care for myself by not including these foods in my diet.

Maybe someday i'll be able to have some non-offensive cooked foods like cooked veggies or baked potato, things that don't truly flare up any kind of a food allergy issue, but for today, i'm more than willing to believe that all cooked foods are off limits because I got myself into too much trouble over the last year indulging. I don't want to go THERE again. I'm enjoying HERE too much!

_ _ _

I started to feel really sorry for myself, and i realized, "Heck, Michelle, you're hungry!" And I was! I hadn't eaten anything all day except for a tiny bit of watermelon for breakfast and the 2 fruit plates i'd had over the last few hours.

No wonder those burgers looked good. I was HUNGRY!

_ _ _

Peggy said, "I made you a wonderful salad, Michelle, on a big platter! Go help yourself!"

My darling friend, Peggy, makes the most wonderful raw salads, but they are notorious for including some cooked things and lots of salt. She does her best and believe me, i am so, so appreciative, but I was unsure if i was going to indulge in her salad or not.

After 2 days of no salt, it might have been nice to continue. I'd contemplated skipping her salty salad and asking Cliff to take me to the store after the party for a ripe avo and some lettuce and i'd make my own salad. That really didn't seem like such an appealing option and begged the question, 'wouldn't i want salt in that salad, too?' When i realized the answer was yes, i realized i was being eating disorder silly.

Waiting until after the party to eat because i was afraid of a little salt seemed ludicrous and a set up to binge. "No, Michelle, eat now and enjoy yourself and then be done with it," the non-eating disordered part of me set me straight.

_ _ _

Gone are the days of salt free raw "diets" that give way to enourmous raw salty binges. No more. I'm done with binge eating.

_ _ _ _

The big platter of salad and raw veggies was gorgeous. Cut up raw veggies like green zucchini and yellow squash, fresh mushrooms, grape tomatoes, romaine and onion all marinated in olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper and garlic.

There were also cooked artichokes and lots and lots of olives (i love them but they don't love my ankles), and cooked red pepper strips.

I had 2 big plate fulls of veggies and salad, pushed aside the olives and cooked peppers and artichokes, not because i thought they would kill me, but because olives are very salty and it's best for me to avoid them, and the other veggies were cooked, and i am a cooked food addict, and i really have no desire to reactivate my disease for today.

After 2 plates of salad, I felt satisfied and happy and full.

And just like everyone at the party who was now full and done eating.

Only i have to eat raw to get to this place. And they eat regular.

No one was obsessed with food. They got to eat hamburgers to get there and I have to eat salad.

No one said life was fair.

_ _ _ _

The salad turned out to be MILDLY salted (wow! awesome!), and pushing aside the olives was the right choice. Yes, i'd still gain some water weight, but since i don't weigh myself anymore, it doesn't much matter anymore. Wow! I love this freedom from weight obsession!

_ _ _ _

I was free from food compulsion, but Cliff was not.

He has a problem with gluten, but hasn't made peace with it yet. He's still playing around, trying to see what he can get away with. I gotta let my babe make his own mistakes.

Cliff overate on hotdogs with regular buns, chips, cheeze doodles, sausage, baked beans with corn bread coating, macaroni salad, 3 peices of cake. He felt stuffed and sick afterwards. If his ankles burn from the gluten, he'll know why.

_ _ _

Those days were not so long ago for me. On Easter, at Lucille's house, i went TO TOWN. I literally could not stop eating. Everyone was stuffed and i kept going, sneaking, getting up to look like i'm getting a drink and stuffing turkey in my mouth, over and over and over again. I hadn't eaten turkey in like 4.5 years and that thing was so delish, i was obsessed.

You'd think i woulda been happy. I was miserable.

_ _ _ _

Today, life is blessedly different!

After the party, Cliff and I went swimming...at 8pm at night! What a JOY! "This is what i'm talking about!" Cliff exclaimed.

No after-party guilts. Just FREEDOM! There i was, swimming, at night! This is stuff normal people do. And now i'm normal! Raw restores me to sanity.

The pool at my parents' 55+ clubhouse was empty. We had it all to ourselves! Swimming, laughing, frolicking!

There was no swimming fun for me when i was binge eating. There was just torturous mental obsession and enormous out of control weight gain.

We went into the hottub afterwards. Fun! Kissing, fondling, loving. "This is what I'm talkin' about!"

_ _ _

We took showers at the clubhouse...and walked back over to my parents' house, plopped into bed exhausted and flipped cable channels, until my parents came home so excited and pleased to see us.

My mother couldn't get over how much thinner my face is. "Your face looks it did in your high school graduation picture! My beauty, my beauty! Bernie, look how thin Michelle's face got!" Lots of kisses and cuddles and hugs! This is the life! I even got a nice friendly greeting from my brother (who i feel so estranged from).

_ _ _

Declaring independance from the things that hurt us is not always easy, but once we decide to pursue "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," we know what we have to do. When we decide it is TIME to give up our lives of sickness and despair and make health happen for ourselves, no self denial is too much. It all becomes so worth it and we do it with JOY.

You feel proud of yourself and good about yourself.

And that is worth more than anything.

Self control and independance from what we've become dependant on...is a skill and a blessed gift. Once you have it, grab ahold and don't let go.

xoxo michelle joy

DETOX and HORRID PERIOD CRAMPS ON RAW...it's all WORTH IT!

2011-07-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

Hiya,

Felt so so sick today. I got my period this morning. Remember the period i once described when i was working with Dr. Graham? Where i felt like i was dying? Or like i was giving birth?

This period was sort of like that. Sweating, intense cramping, diarreah. Awful. On and off the toilet all day.

The way i look at it, our periods are already trying to cleanse us. The purpose of the period is to discharge the uteran lining since we didn't make a baby.

Since we're already in a cleansing mode, i guess the body takes the opportunity to ramp things up, way up!

Man, was i sick today.

Well, with raw, detox is a given. We never know how it will rear it's head, but we must respect it and allow it to do it's work.

I was also intensely thirsty! And no appetite. Did i tell you when i first went to OHI, i was intensely thirsty for WEEKS? I knew it was detox. Here we go again!

And, since when don't i have an appetite? Wow. I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking today to quench the intense thirst.

Later, I felt a little hungry and alot thirsty so i sent Cliff to the market for watermelon! It was GOOD! And light.

I don't feel hungry now, so i'm not eating.

The diarreah has continued, but the cramps have gotten better since this morning.

Eating watermelon, i think, won't kick in the cramps again. I was afraid if i ate nuts or something heavy, i'd kick in the intense cramping again. The worst of it was this morning and it's gotten progressively better and better throughout the day.

As long as I abide to the calls of my body, my magical body must know what it's doing! By being raw, I'm giving it the opportunity to clean house. By drinking and eating lightly, i'm giving it the opportunity to rest and take care of what it needs to. By addressing the thirst continually, i'm giving it water to flush out whatever it needs to.

Wednesday, I will be 6 weeks raw! Yeah, baby!

I think i lost about 40 lbs!

I've been exercising regularly. That's really kicked things into high gear.

And i'm basically eating what i want as long as it's raw, sometimes heavier, sometimes lighter. I have a new freedom about raw.

I strive to listen to my body, abide by my hunger/fullness signals and abide by what i'm hungry for. No binges in almost 6 weeks. Did you hear that people? I'm a new woman. When i feel emotional, i cry. I cry a fair amount. And then i feel better.

Also, I'm not weighing myself. This is helping to keep the frustration and discouragement of weight fluxuations at bay that were constant when i weighed myself daily or frequently. Not weighing myself anymore feels like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Not weighing myself is keeping binge eating at bay, too. I used to weigh, get frustrated, and eat. Since i don't weigh, i don't get frustrated! I just try to listen, try to abide by my needs/wants, and i try to move.

Well, not today, i didn't move. Only my bowels moved! I've been LOUNGING all day. It would have been good to walk, but i couldn't break myself away from the toilet long enough.

Tomorrow, i'll walk.

Hey, my clothes are looser and my face continues to look more and more like my face!

That puts a SMILE on my face. You have to be grateful, even in the midst of detox and cramps!
Hey, it could be alot worse! I could still be eating cooked and edging towards 4oo lbs again. Now, I surmise i'm edging down the 330's. Soon i'll be in the 320's!! Wow!

BIG SMILE! It's all worth it!

You can't experience the JOY without the accompanying PAIN. You just gotta get through it.

xoxo michelle joy