Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Greetings! Well, long time no see, but no fault of my own. I've been writing, but something crazy is happening with the blog. I've written 3 blog posts and they look normal, and then when i post them and view the blog, they've all come out WITHOUT paragraphs in one huge paragraph. I will try to fix them and post them. Actually, i've tried, but it hasn't helped. The problem persists. So, anyhoo, i'm doing well. Things are really settling in. I had a wild Reiki session, did i tell you about that?, and it really seemed to help TREMENDOUSLY, wow! Not only that, the Reiki therapist, has become an close and encouraging friend. When you feel loved, understood, just do better, anyway. I'm still following the Marianne Williamson book and CD, but in a different easy-going way. Too much effort on my part and not enough surrendering to God, and i get angry when things don't work out. Today i'm accepting of my desires, I'm talking about food, and I'm eating what i want sometimes, like for dinners, and I am asking God to bless these meals. I have faith that he will restore my desires to all raw and soon I won't want food that my body doesn't love anymore. The good news is I've been wanting a lot of raw smoothies and they've been making up the bulk of my day. Dinners have been vietnamese noodles a few times, and today we're having flounder for linner. It's okay. I'll try to get those blog posts up and readable in case you're interested, because i've been on quite the emotional journey, i must say, up and down, up and down, and I keep coming back to realizing, like Willaimson teaches, that LOVE is the only way. SELF LOVE. SELF ACCEPTANCE. Force doesn't work, like with imposing diets on myself. They inevitably fail and i feel like a failure. Instead, i follow my true desires and ask that LOVE lead me. I accept what i desire in faith, knowing that God will bring me back home to raw. Anyway, more another time. xoxo michelle joy

Friday, March 25, 2011

A day in the life....

Good morning,

It seems like it's a nice sunny day out today in Philly :-))

Cliff, who broke his foot last week, is sleeping in. I'm just fixing myself some breakfast.

Yesterday was a mostly raw day at work. I had carob banana smoothie for breakfast, carob berry banana smoothie for snack, and a big salad with raw "steak" chunks on it (dehydrated patty of beets, cashew, apple, carrot), sprinkled with nutritional yeast, so delish.

When i got home, i joined Cliff for a fish dinner. I was hungry.

I work today at Arnold's Way with Dorinda. We've been making such fun specials: raw scalloped potatoes, nacho cheeze sauce, marinated mushrooms... I'm going to make a new raw cobbler today because the raspberry cobbler I made already sold out!

I'll be working at Arnold's all next week, too. I really enjoy work. I love my coworkers. The customers are great. We have a lot of fun.

Tonight we have the SECRET class.

I watched my favorite show on youtube last night because i missed it on Wed night - America's Next Top it!

Okay, wishing you a nice day!

Decide what kind of day you want to have...and then make it happen.

xoxo michelle

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Good morning, dear people,

Hope you are all doing well on this dreary grey day.

My feet are cold!

It was warm for a few day on the Eastcoast, but now it seems to be cold again!

The cold is actually nice when I am at work at ARnold's Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe' and Education Center in Lansdale, PA. With the 4 extra large dehydrators running at 105F all day in the kitchen, when it's cool out, we feel toasty and comfortable.

Dorinda and I are running the store almost everyday for the next two weeks, while Arnold is in Costa Rica at a banana mango farm. Since he's away, us girls have to do the manly jobs he usually takes care of. Last night, I spent an hour breaking down emptied produce boxes to fit into the trash dumpster! Yes, bagging, putting produce away, and then what to do with the boxes...? It's a big job.

Ripe bananas are an issue today at the store. We don't have many. And we NEED ripe frozen ones to make cool smoothies and custard-like whips. Dorinda and I will likely be running around shopping for ripe bananas before we open up today.

[At home, it's also an issue. For people who use alot of bananas, keeping ripe ones around takes some coordination. Cliff makes us fruity smoothies with banana every morning. We were well stocked for 2 weeks, and let the ball...oops...let the banana drop, and now we're all out of ripe or ripe frozen ones at the moment, so had to run to the store yesterday seeking out spotty bananas to freeze. No luck, but the ripest were the organic, so at least they'll taste better slightly green than conventional do at that stage of ripeness. Sometimes at the supermarket, I'll find them really spotty and the store will sell them at a discount which is a great find when it happens.

The real best way to solve the problem is to always have a case ripening. When our case was ripening and turning spotty, we should have immediately ran out and bought another case to start ripening, so that case would be ripe for us this week.]

Yesterday at the store I made the most awesome raw Nacho Cheeze Sauce. We'll feature that today drizzled on something. It would be killer drizzed on the Jacked Up Nachos, or kind of different drizzed on some massaged kale or collards. We'll see. Come on in and try it!

I also took dehydrated potatoes, rehydrated them, added a luscious raw cheezey cream sauce and added some fresh chopped dillweed and sliced spring onion. Scalloped Potatoes...oila'! Should be delish today after marinating in the cheeze and herbs and sucking up more of that deliciousness.

I think i'll marinate some mushrooms today, too!

Since Arn's away, we'll be featuring fun specials daily. So come on by if you're local!

_ _ _ _

Washing my brain clean had been going well with the Course in WeightLoss Meditation CD and book, but I kinda fell off of my routine. I guess it's like anything, you just have to keep it up daily, daily, daily. I really notice the difference when i just let myself be and think normally (normal for me is severely disordered), compared to when i am blessed to be in the zone, working a positive thought life, working in connection with my Higher Power.

A good friend and email buddy, Karen, reminds me often how much work it takes to turn things around in her thought and food life, and consequently in her life in general. She writes,

I still recommend hearing The Power. I also bought and have been using Rhonda Byrne's Gratitude book. I have to CONSTANTLY "feed" myself positive thoughts and thoughts of gratitude, so that's what is running through my head when the old negative thoughts want to take over. Gratitude for what I have now and gratitude for what I want, stated as if I have it already. The old thoughts are such a well worn groove (rut), so automatic, and the new thoughts are slowly replacing them, and I am working at it constantly. It's what gets me through the day and what gets me through eating episodes. Saving my life, really. When progress seems slow or invisible, I have to remind myself that I had been thinking mostly negatively since the age of 9, so it will take some time before the positive thoughts are always dominant. And I remember she says the tipping point is 51% positive/ love/ gratitude thoughts is enough to make a the difference, so it doesn't even have to be all the time.

Something else that has been helping me that Rhonda Byrne impresses upon readers/ listeners to the Power is "I am the master of my thoughts." I write this down at the top of my "windows of peace" log that I keep each day and often say it during the day. That reminds me I don't have to listen to the old thoughts that pop up and I can choose new ones at any time. I used to think I was a puppet on a string being jerked around by what I was thinking and feeling, and now I know I am in control if I choose to be. You have written about choice before, and I know that it is true for me, that I choose how I am experiencing my day.

She also says "gratitude is the great multiplier." Saying thank you a lot helps me too, for specific things, bigger and little, really any little thing, like the zipper on my jacket zipping and unzipping easily. Often I will take a deep breath and say "thank" on the in breath and "you" on the out breath (maybe I told you all this before,
sorry if I am repeating myself). This is usually not for anything specific, and it helps me calm down. Saying to myself "I live and eat in a place of love, gratitude, peace and reverence" helps me too.

Thank you, Karen, for the extraordinary examples of your transformative work. It does take a lot of effort, but as I, too, found, it is worth it!

Look, at the raw retreat, EVERYONE was working on thinking differently and turning their lives over to God, going to classes focusing on that, praying collectively before meals, etc..., so it was all AROUND us.

Out in the real world, we're bombarded by negativity, bombarded by fast food, etc..., all day! We have to work that much harder to manifest positivity in our lives. When we manifest a positive thought and spiritual life, suddenly, our eating comes into line.

Thanks, again, Karen, for your lessons and recommendations.

_ _ _

At Arnold's Way, we have a lovely little happy community there. I felt happy and good at work yesterday.

Consequently, I didn't do too bad with my food yesterday. And as I look back, I realize that i did nurture a positive happy attitude yesterday with lots of gratitude to my coworkers, gratitude for the customers, gratitude for the way we got the store running well. And, the food didn't seem to be an issue yesterday.

That's probably the best focus for me, just to focus on my attitude of gratitude, because i fall so often with the food. If i only feel good about me in connection with how well or how raw I eat, it's a set up for total failure. Today, I feel I need to be more relaxed about food, focus on my attitude, thought life, spiritual life, and just trust that God is holding me in His hands.

I wish you a blessed day. Come on over to Arnold's Way today!

xoxo michelle joy

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Hi Folks,

Just catching up after a busy, busy week.

This blog post below was written on Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, and I didn't get a chance to post it, the week just got away from me I was so busy, so i'm posting it now, with this little preamble, just to catch you up on what's been going on.

So i wrote this on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then I worked on Thursday and Friday of last week non-stop at Arnold's Way, and on Saturday, I was a vendor at a raw festival and sold green smoothies, raw cheezes, raw breads, raw desserts and cookies at the Wellness Expo at Waterloo Gardens in Exton, PA Sunday, Cliff and I spent most of the day driving in the beautiful weather (since he broke his foot last week), and landed at the Italian market in S. Philly for cheap conventional berries and bananas for our smoothies. We do conventional when the budget gets tight...

Though my week was filled with so many good wonderful raw inspired things like working at Arnold's Way and working the Raw Expo and selling green smoothies, and seeing wonderful locals stars of the raw food world there, like Brad of Brad's Raw Chips and Cheryll Chavarria of Raw Can Roll Cafe in Pottstown, PA,, I've been progressively unraveling.

I had been doing well with exercise and following my food combining, and i'd lost weight. My clothes were roomy and i was feeling so much better.

But, things began to unravel and reading this blog entry that i wrote last week explains effectively what happened. Everything all at once - I stopped surrendering, I'd been in fear about giving up foods I love, my knee was bothering me and either I needed a rest from exercise or a rest from food that was causing me inflammation and pain, and i'd eaten something so salty that my body was so bloated - i was in self hatred, beating myself up for poor choices.

Being a morbidly obese raw chef, unable or unwilling to give up the food that is killing her, is not a happy place to be. I'm forever locked into this debate with myself - is it the food? or is it my spiritual state? I keep trying to make cooked food work, i keep trying to turn to God, but i keep falling. I'm human. Devastatingly human.

Maybe it really IS the food, tripping me up constantly? I met a raw healer at Arnold's Way Friday night, Jahn, who lives closeby in Villanova, PA, and he confided in me that he's concerned about me and has witnessed my weight gain and energy shift through this whole year. He wholeheartedly believes that cooked food brings on negative emotions and that if i got off of cooked food again, i'd be much better off. He actually said, 'It would be MUCH MUCH better for you to eat raw gourmet than to be eating fish and quinoa. You will see a tremendous shift in your energy if you do that." He invited me to call him anytime and I am going to.

And at the Raw Expo, a few people who recognized me from Lisa Montgomery's book, "Raw Inspiration, Living Dynamically with Raw Food," and read my story of 175 lb weight loss, were concerned for me and counseled and encouraged me to get back on raw food, to get on a program. "You know what you have to do" two of them said.

I guess i must be in denial. "You know what you have to do." Well, people who are mentally ill when it comes to food KNOW what they have to do, they just don't have the power within themselves to do it.

How many times do i fall into the same hole...until i finally realize i need to walk down a different street?

I know that the Williamson book has been invaluable to my journey. I feel God is leading me back home, to raw, but I'm so scared.

I don't know. One day at a time. So far today all i've had is a raw fruit smoothie. At least we do that consistently every morning and have been so for months now.

_ _ _

And, all in all, my fitness level has improved since I started exercising again.

I'm going to keep focusing on the positive points of this week hopefully and not give into the doom and gloom.

Here's last week....
_ _ _


Br: raspberry, chocolate, banana, date shake

EX: 30 mins walk with Cliff outside

Ln: strawberry, banana, chocolate, carob, agave shake

Dn: Dinner out with my parents on their anniversary. Muscles marinara, tossed salad, cooked carrots, grilled salmon.

Binge: leftover salmon, yogurt.
_ _ _


Br: Blueberry, banana, chocolate, date shake

Ln: Protein: Raw sprouted chickpea/pecan Hummus on a bed of romaine

Binge: *Handful Frenchfries, *2 oz. of raw cheese, *Plate of leftover salmon, leftover potatoes and veggies, 2 Tbsp of butter

LATER: *Small Pizza with extra cheese
*Fried fish platter - lots of french fries, 2 fried scallops, 1 peice of fried fish, 2 fried shrimp
*1 bottle of coke
*1 slice of chocolate cake

Dn: leftover lentil beans, quinoa, lima beans, asparagus

_ _ _ _


Yesterday I woke up and my legs were blown up from the salty bean stew the day before. It was almost a feeling of doom. My knees were also bothering me from the exercise. I was emotionally upset about those two things. I had my raw smoothie breakfast and all was restored to wellness. I was in a great mood. I worked on a fabulous poem I entered into a raw poetry contest on I hope i win! I was full of creative energy and the last thing from my mind was binge eating.

As the morning wore on and I was seated longer and longer at the computer, I was more and more upset about the bloated legs. They felt like michelin man legs.

When Cliff said he wanted oven french fries for lunch, it was almost like my heart dropped. More salt. I was torn. I've eaten oven fries with him on days when i was a success and had my food under control. But today felt like I'd better steer clear of the salt.

I put the fries in for him, and made myself a raw lunch.

It wasn't a salt free lunch since I'd used the raw hummus I'd made the other day from sprouted garbanzo i did myself, so it felt self-defeating as i neared the end of the meal. Even though it was a raw choice, it wouldn't alleviate the bloated legs I was unhappily experiencing.

The fries were done and I tasted a few. Delicious! Salty.... But delicious.

I'd just finished my protein salad, so now i was going against food combining by mixing carb and protein.

I felt like a bloated failure and the wheels of my disorder, the wheels of fear began to turn.

I didn't ask God to rescue me. I'd forgotten about God.

In fact, i'd eaten my salad in front of the TV again, and had no feeling of connection to a Higher Power. I was "white knuckling" it, which means doing well for a time, but just hanging on a thread, getting by on my own power, nothing supernatural to guide me out of making wrong choices.

When Cliff wasn't looking or in the room, I started grabbing. Raw cheese. Then i warmed up leftovers. I was already over the edge.

I was in pain from being bloated. I was in fear (I'm no good. I didn't food combine.) I was in rebellion. (I didn't feel like exercising). I was bored. (I had the TV on instead of doing what I had planned. I was supposed to be doing the dishes and finish the cleaning downstairs.)

In other words, it was a set up for disaster.

_ _ _

After Cliff left for work, i was on my own. I'd debated what i would do for a GOOD, LONG time. Would i continue the binge? Would i go to the gym for the 6 o'clock aquarobics class I promised myself i'd do? Impulsively, i called the corner restaurant I order binge food from. The sick thing I do was set in motion.

Pizza, fries, fried fish.

I cried afterwards.

I also was rebelling against the next assignment in the "Course in Weight Loss," in that I promised myself I'd work on Chapter two of the Williamson book, where I'd write a letter to my fat self and tell her I hate her and then write her a love letter. I felt rebellious and didn't want to take the effort. I already knew I hated her, especially today. I could feel the fat rolls on my back earlier when I noticed my legs were swollen. Bloat does such a number on me, psychologically.

I was hating myself.

_ _ _

Williamson says that only when we LOVE ourselves, love our bloated legs and hanging fat rolls will that binge-girl in us evaporate. LOVE is the only answer.

I was still hating on me. I wasn't happy. And I didn't ask Anyone greater than me, or even who loved me, to help.

I realized I hadn't prayed before my meals for a day or two, so this had been building. The disconnection had disconnected before today.

_ _ _

Cliff found the pizza box in the trash out back. Very unlike him, he usually yells, he came up behind me while i was laying on the couch and caressed my head and face, and confronted me, "Honey, did you eat pizza?"

I cried and confessed to the whole thing. I told him how I'd been feeling. i talked to him about the book and about my need to connect to God for the power to overcome this.

I talked to him about how my knees never hurt me when I was raw. I talked to him about how I was scared I didn't know what my trigger foods were. Was i supposed to be going raw? Was i supposed to just keep trying with the food combining? I felt like I was getting nowhere keeping cooked food in my life. I just can't "get it together."

We talked about the food combining and how positively it's been affecting him. He mentioned how his ankles stopped hurting the moment he got off of gluten, coffee and cheese, and how pleased he was with food combining.

I talked about my challenges with food combining, about how I can easily binge on fish, and that, unless i'm crazy, everytime i eat fish, and when i took those two bites of turkey, my back immediately hurts. Call me crazy, but I don't think i'm imagining it.

When i first when to OHI, I was crippled with back pain. In 4 days, the pain dissappeared and I could stand up straight finally and walk.

Something in me tells me it's the lactic acid build up from protein that gives me these backpains i feel again today. And unless I'm nuts, it happens when i eat flesh protein.

I realized that the Weightloss CD talking all about figuring out what your trigger foods are had really been working on me. I was frightened of this. Frightened my trigger foods were all of the things I liked like beans and cheese and fish and potatoes and rice, etc...

I'd made peace with them ALL as trigger foods when i gave EVERYTHING up 4 years ago by surrendering myself to OHI's raw food program and continued to stay a raw foodist for 3.5 years.

I had surrendered.

_ _ _

So here i am trying to make something work with food combining and maintaining a diet of cooked food. Am I not having success because the food is cooked and it constantly triggers me...or because i am in rebellion to God constantly??

_ _ _

Surrender scares me.

But, i need to do it.

I surrender, Lord. Lead me.

_ _ _ _

So, today, when it came time for lunch, I felt led to make it a fruit lunch. Fruit scares me. "I'm gonna go bald. I'm gonna have to go low fat. I'm gonna have to give up all cooked foods."

But, i let go. I let go of the fear and i just enjoyed the shake.

_ _ _

Last night, we were looking for a picture in our pics online.

I looked through all of my "thin" pics (me at 250 lbs, thin for me), me looking beautiful in the face, me so proud of myself, smiling, happily showing off my body.

I half hated those pictures, remiding me of how good i looked. And i half hated myself now for what i've become, just for a taste of food.

"You'll NEVER look like that again," i hopelessly told myself. "Unless you go raw again and give up salt and fat most of the time and keep exercising."

In all of the pics where I loved the way i looked, I was salt free and low fat. It's my curse, but my face doesn't look like me unless i'm salt free.

I'm so ANGRY at this. I'm angry at it.

But for today, i surrender. I ask God for his guidance. I ask him to lead me where I need to be.

xoxo michelle joy

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


BR: berry, chocolate, date, banana smoothie

LN: raw protein lunch: 1 scoop raw sprouted garbanzo hummus, raw celery sticks, red pepper & cucumber.

SN: raspberry, carob, banana, agave shake.

EXERCISE: 15 mins. of bellydance video. 1 hour walk with Cliff outside, with a few breaks to catch my breath!

DINNER: homemade bean 'n veggie stew, 2.5 servings. That was followed by 2 oz of salmon. And 6 gluten free cookies.

COMPULSIVE EATING: Scared! While cooking, I tasted 2 tastes of a turkey meatball while cooking for Cliff. It was freakin' delicious. I haven't eaten turkey in 4 years. I wasn't sure how my seasoning was, and most of the time, i'll chew a little peice of something and then spit it out. This time I swallowed. "What's really the difference between turkey and fish?" My head was going something crazy. And Williamson was talking on the CD JUST THEN that we should truly eat something if we WANT it. I'm like, "Fuck, i'm in crisis right now, because i could really WANT this!" Was I experiencing a new "freedom" or was it fear? It was a VERY scary place to be in. I could just envision myself diving in and eating ALL of the meatballs, not a few as a meal. There's something with me and meat, i think, being very addictive. Is it meat or is it me? Anyway, because i had 2 bites i was SERIOUSLY afraid i'd binge on it. I came to the conclusion that FEAR is addictive. Not turkey. And if i live in fear, i am compelled to do things I don't 'want' to do. I understand now that we have CHOICES. I have chosen to draw a line in the sand between fish and poultry. And, i crossed that line a teeensy bit. Crossing the line was what scared me. Are lines set up in food okay? healthy? Regular Eating Disorder people are couseled to have NO lines. Neverthless, instead of allowing FEAR to lead me, i was able to let the turkeyballs alone for Cliff and the desire for them evaporated. That was an interesting experience and it taught me that FEAR vs. CHOICE is a very BIG BIG issue.

I stopped eating hamburgers and all meat because I KNEW they were trigger foods. I mean, i could eat an entire brisket MYSELF. And, knowing I am an "A" blood type gave me the awareness that i don't even NEED meat for my system, that it does me more harm than good.

So did I stop meat out of FEAR...or out of CHOICE???? And what do i do about it now?

Do I need to be AFRAID of food anymore? Or should I make CHOICES that make sense to me when I am in a calm, loving state? Does food cause binges? Or does FEAR? I thought I knew the answer. It seems a different answer all of the time. Does FOOD drive me or FEAR? Sometimes I have perfectly peacefilled meals with fish. Other times, I am seriously compulsive with fish.

Williamson talks ALOT about TRIGGER FOODS and how we need to come to terms with what are our TRIGGER foods. She warns, "You KNOW what they are." Whew, this is a scary prospect. Do I? Do I?

When I went to OHI, i had given up COMPLETELY and washed my hands of cooked food. "Cooked food is addictive and it has made my life unmanagable." That stance WORKED for me.

If I were REALLY really honest with well am I doing on the cooked? Not that great.

Even after the turkey success, I would have thought i'd have been safe for the evening. But about an hour later, in between watching past episodes of America's Next Top Model, I was compelled to have my dinner. I wasn't exactly hungry, but it was "dinnertime" and it would have made the episodes more fun. The compulsive part of me said it was time for dinner and entertainment and the entertainment was the mixture of food and TV. So, dinner didn't stop with just dinner. And by the time I tore my eyes away from the computer, my stew was burning and all of the liquid had evaporated. I tasted it... It was so salty and burnt on the bottom. So i ate the whole thing. Isn't that such an eating disorder thing to do, to eat something BECAUSE it's burnt and salty? And salty things trigger me and my food addiction or my fear in a BIG way. I was working so hard on being so conscious of the fear, I heard myself say to myself, "my legs are going to blow up" "my face is going to blow up," "I tasted 2 bites of turkey, I'm going to binge!!", so I was present to the forces at war within me, and thought a binge wouldn't occur.

Instead, i allowed myself to lose control of the meal because i was enjoying the act of eating while watching America's Next Top Model on youtube so much, I wanted it to continue after the first satisfying and filling plate of bean stew. It turned out the burnt parts were actually yummy, and didn't taste burnt, but smoked. Yet i figured, "Am i really going to want to eat these burnt beans tomorrow?" In a compulsive, irrational, neurotic state, burnt makes sense for now.

I'm learning from Williamson that Eating is supposed to be done in peace, not in front of entertainment, but I fell back into old habits. Eating can EASILY spin out of control in front of entertainment and turn into entertainment itself.

I was also conscious of the fact that I was freaking EXHAUSTED from the walk, and freakin' resistent to doing the dishes because i was SO tired. I was in a fight with myself with the leftover beans calling me. That walk WORE me OUT!

So, instead of going to the gym again like i thought i "should," and instead of doing the dishes, like i thought i "should," i decided to eat the burnt bean stew and watch my favorite show and eat the cookies i discovered in the cubbard the other day as a kind of pleasurable punishment for being BAD. So there, Michelley! Take this lashing, and that, slap, bam, boom!

This thing I asked myself to do - 2 hours of exercise a day - I figured it wouldn't be hard. The people on the weightloss shows on TV do it. And i used to do it at OHI. But I was raw then. Maybe that was the difference.

And, I have GOT to remember that 2 hours of exercise a day might be do-able if it's LOW INTENSITY, like water walking in the pool is for me. I easily did 2 hours on a water walking day. But a walk up the Manayunk hills is MEDIUM to HIGH intensity for me at this weight, and it knocked me for a loop. I was exhausted, but didn't want to admit it, because I was incredulous I could BE so tired since i'd hardly DONE anything else that day. I guess I'm really out of shape.

And I was "shoulding" myself the whole evening. "You should exercise again, you should finish the dishes." This is a really important lesson for myself:

~ Often in a state of exhaustion and irritation, i'll overeat as an EXCUSE not to do what i can't give myself permission not to do in the first place. ~

When I untwisted my head from all of the disordered thinking, i fell asleep on the couch at 8pm. Zonked, i'd given myself permission to feel tired. And the binge never went further because I'd forgiven myself for over-doing it with the food under those circumstances. I was loving myself by stopping and resting.

LESSON: Life is learning. Not everything makes sense right away. This is a process, and I'm right smack in the middle of it. Questioning, learning, falling, getting back up. Success is in a zigzag. Up. Down. Up. Down. We don't go straight to CURED.

Williamson said something so powerful on this. "When the Dr. gives you medicine, you take it, but you don't expect yourself to be cured from the very first dose, do you?" Sometimes we have setbacks. Sometimes the medicine takes a while to work.

I acknowledge that i am in the process of....GETTING better every day.

xoxo michelle joy

Monday, March 14, 2011



There's a smile on my face as I write this blog post!

I just received the most wonderful email from my good friend, "Praizin' Him" Glenda, an angel I met here on the blog. You'll understand the title of this blog entry after you read her letter! Glenda has been emailing me for at least 2 years, i think. She has been a constant friend on this blog, even through the tough times when i felt like I had no blogfriends left.

Glenda, you have such a big heart! You have been such a source of encouragement to me! I inspire you? We inspire each other! It's my very greatest pleasure to write, to express myself in this venue, and that it helps you, i am truly blessed that something good has come through me, after all of this suffering! You are a blessing I am thankful for! Hey, and I am 'praizin' Him' right along side you!

Glenda, your Spirit SHINES through your writing, and I FEEL YOU, I feel this big WARMTH from your letters, and I just LOVE you! You are a dear, sweet beautiful soul, and beautiful woman! We are Two HOT mammas, but someday in the not tooooo distant future, i know we will be happier, lighter, leaner, more glowing, more radiant! There's no stoppin' us, cause "there's a new sherriff in town!"

Everyone, please share your love with Glenda. Add your comments below for Glenda, and cheer this strong lady on.

Glenda and I have both been through the wringer with this eating disorder nonsense, so a word of encouragement to you all:

If WE can do it??????? Hell, ANYONE can do it!

Dear Michelle,

"Tawonda !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That's what Kathy Bates said in 'Fried Green Tomatoes', when she realized how she had undervalued herself. Tawonda was the woman within Kathy Bates' fearful, timid, doormat, people-pleasing character, who had beauty, strength, value, purpose and who has decided not to be a doormat anymore. (more about this later)

Michelle, I just watched the videos on the sidebar and I was so happy. You are so full of life and joy, even as you struggle. The aria was just beautiful. You are something else. Yes, I agree with you I'm feeling better day by day as I too am doing "A Course in Weight Loss." I feel better about myself and I'm alllowing God to lead and guide me. I'm also falling in love with myself and not waiting for "someday" to arrive and then I'll love me because I'm 100 pounds lighter. I love me now, right now, big and beautiful as I am. I refuse to allow what I believe others think about me matter to me anymore. I too, was running on FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). I am beautiful now, I am a wonder to behold now.

Girl, you have been a blessing in my life and I would not have known anything about Miss Williamsons book,if not for you. I'm on the part of purchasing my place setting for my table of love. I'm excited about getting beautiful things like the glass, plate, napkin, etc. Because i can see and feel the love in that. I'm doing something beautful for me. I NEVER do anything for myself with beauty attached to it for myself. But, Now, I'm starting to learn how to love myself.

I too am not looking at the scale, I'm looking at my God. It almost makes me want to cry to understand that I've treated myself like garbage for most of my life. I've been waiting for the day, somewhere in the future. No more that time is now, just as I am. I deserve better and I will do better for myself.

Next year I will have gone around the sun 60 times and that is cause for celebration right there. All I can say now is that Towanda is in the house and fear, low self-esteem and all those thoughts which seek to undermind this girl, better get to hoppin, cause there's a new sheriff in town who loves herself !!! (Can you feel the high that I'm on right now???????????????)

Hugs and kisses to you. You are a shining light to me.

Thanks for you being obedient and writing the blog to help others travelers along the way.

Glenda \i/ Praizin' Him !

Yes, Glenda, I feel the high, I feel the energy, I feel the love!!!

Can you feel THIS? I'm sending you the BIGGEST HUG right now!!!! xoxox!!!

_ _ _

Let's all send out another hug to my email buddy/blog/Arnold's Way friend, Karen from Ardmore, who send ME the info about the Williamson book from Jinjee Talifero's blog. My gratitude to you, Karen, for your constant availability, your insight, your kindness, your direction, your friendship. Thank you! Sorry i haven't been writing you emails since i started back to blogging.... I'll be in touch soon.

_ _ _

Also, big hugs to my friend, Jan in Alta Deena, CA!!! Hello, Jan!!! When I think of Jan I smile. We've been friends since the first days of OHI when we both met, 4 years ago. You know, I didn't realize it, but Jan mentioned the book to me at one point, too! Thank you, Jan, for planting the seed. Blessings to you, my dear OHI friend! I think of you and pray for your health, wealth and well being often!!! Your friendship is always a blessing to me! xoxo michelle

_ _ _

Sarah writes:

Dear Michelle,

I love to hear the joy in your "voice"! Keep up the fantastic work. You are an inspiration to me. I love how you just keep picking yourself back up. This time I know it's for good. Also, I am so pleased that you don't feel compelled to weigh yourself. The looseness of your pants or skirt is all that matter - and your positive mindset, of course!

I so enjoy reading your blog and I am always updating my fiance on your news like you are a long lost friend.

Thanks for making my day so many times!

Thank you, Sarah! Thank you for the gift of your words! You have truly brightened my day! If I can inspire now...just imagine what good works God will do through me as I continue on this journey of positivity! I'll be positively NUCLEAR in my positive energy output!!!

_ _ _

You know what? How many of you out there LOVE Kathy Bates? I know I do and Glenda does! Kathy Bates is plus sized, talented, vibrant, beautiful, gutsy, sexy and strong! She believes in herself. So, let's take Glenda's leading, and if you're reading this, and you acknowledge you're a strong, gutsy lady who has undervalued herself in the past and you don't want to do that anymore, i want you to shout something with me right now!

Ready? 1...2...3..


xoxo michelle joy


Morning, dear Friends,

Well, today is Monday! It's been exactly a week since I've been on my new plan, and today is the day I'm to weigh myself!

Guess what?

I'm not going to!!!

You wanna know why?

I don't NEED to!

The pants I bought the day before I started my new program (because nothing fit me i was gaining so quickly) are now falling off of me and I've had to pin them tighter around my waist. THAT is the only confirmation I need that I'm moving in the right direction! What's in a number??? The scale has been something for me that held the key to my self esteem. It doesn't anymore. I hold the key to my self esteem! We'll revisit the weight number issue another time!

I feel happy today! Our clean and organized living spaces downstairs have rejuvenated and motivated me and Cliff like nothing else could have.

My, my... You know, they say the state of your HOUSE reflects WHO you are? Well, it also affects how you FEEL. The beautiful downstairs attests to AND encourages my lighter, more loving, more happy, more beauty-oriented state! Gone are the hopeless feelings of only LAST WEEK. What a difference a WEEK can make!!!

A little bit of effort...and so much change has occurred. I feel gratitude abounding.

This week, i committed to exercising more, which i did. I committed to staying on my food combining food plan better, which I did. I committed to studying the Marianne Williamson book, "A Course In Weight Loss" and it's accompanying Meditation CD, which I did. I scanned myself daily. How do i feel physically? emotionally? spiritually? How is my singing? The state of my house? I wrote. I cried. I prayed. I continue to lead "SECRET FRIDAYS," a class at Arnold's Way every Friday night, dedicated to positive thinking and the law of attraction, even though i wasn't always succeeding. I continued to lead it, because I WANTED to succeed.

How did i do this? With the power of EFFORT? WILL POWER?

...No...No effort, no will power....

...Something else...

...Something still and quiet....

Change can only occur by giving up. Simply giving up.

I couldn't go another day doing things my way. "I surrender!"

A power GREATER than myself took over. And i said, "YES!" to it.

_ _ _

All i can say is, all it takes is ONE DAY to turn an entire life around. One day. The Monday I was inspired to change my life, I actually followed through on what i said i would and experienced a blessed day.

_ _ _

We all have two forces running our lives. The one force is for destruction. The other is for healing and health.

We are capable of great things. Great devastation. Or great rebuilding, renewing.

We have a CHOICE.

_ _ _

I have been turning to God, to my understanding of who God is, for the power to make changes. And I am seeing that without God, no change is possible.

_ _ _

At OHI, 4 years ago, when I lost my initial 140 lbs, we prayed and meditated many times DAILY. We didn't go into a meal without thanking GOD for it. They didn't just throw us a plate of raw food. No, no, we were transported to a place where we felt cradled in the arms of a great Healing Creator.

No wonder i did so well there.

So, i've been trying, at home, to duplicate the retreat atmosphere, and you know what? I found out that i DON'T NEED to run away everytime things fall apart. I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN. I am STRONGER than I think I am.

_ _ _

And I BELIEVED I was being cured of obesity and binge eating at OHI, and because I believed it, I was!

_ _ _

And then binge eating came back when i left OHI, even as a raw foodist.

_ _ _

Later, I got caught up in depriving myself so stringently as the only way to remove binge eating. But, there was little LOVE in the approach and coach I turned to. And LOTS of Fear. "If you don't eat just bananas, you will continue to binge for the rest of your life!" I gained back 40 lbs on a fear-binge eating in just a week. Fear RAN me after I stopped with Dr. D. Fear ran me right to MacDonalds. Right to lots and lots and lots and lots of fried stuff. Everytime I'd eat something other than a banana, the world came crashing down on me. "I'm a failure. I'm no good. I'm doomed."

How do OTHER people STOP binge eating on REGULAR FOOD?

I've come to learn that Raw food has the potential for TREMENDOUS healing. But within the raw community, there are also eating disorders and emotional disorders rampant, and much fear-mongering.

_ _ _

Anna Inez, a raw foodist American Indian "medicine woman" helped me and Cliff to see that cooked food wasn't going to kill us, but could actually return Cliff and I to a modicum of health.

Through food combining, we saw that our bodies became more and more alkeline, even with eating fish and potatoes, "cooked evil food," but in a certain combination. We tested our urine regularly with PH test strips, and the longer we followed the food combining proscribed by Anna-Inez, the more and more alkeline we became!

I kept falling off of the program, overeating everything, fish, potatoes, running on fear. As i munched and munched away on leftover fish, i said to myself, "I love this, god-dammit, it is so freakin' delicious, I LOVE fish, I don't want to give this up for just bananas. But, look at me, I can't stop. I'm doomed. Cursed. Fish is addictive and I can't stop eating it!" Plenty of times eating it in a state of peace taught me differently. It really wasn't the fish that was addictive, but my FEAR that it was addictive that propeled the binge.

I'm not sure what i'll do with fish. I'm allowing myself to enjoy it now. When and IF i decide to give up fish (if I come to believe it is harmful for me), and i want to return to more raw, it will be by GOD'S PRODDING. Marianne says, in dealing with foods we want to give up, "One day, you will wake up and no longer want it."

_ _ _

Nevertheless, following food combining and eating in moderation this past week, with a few minor slips, has been such a blessing. Cravings have diminished, my body feels better, i feel better. Exercise has changed my body in only a WEEK! I'm so much stronger! And I didn't even exercise everyday for 2 hours as I thought i needed to. Some days i did. Some days i rested and listened to my body. This has been such an experience!

_ _ _

It's been the Marianne Williamson teachings that enabled me to accomplish what I've accomplished this week.

Returning to positive thinking and spirituality.....and taking positive action and steps toward wellness, like TRUSTING food combining and returning to exercise, have lit a fire in me that is burning bright!

I'm on my way!

You know why?

Because i say I am!

_ _ _

The SECRET teaches us to not bemoan what "is," but to focus on what we want. By that, i can explain by this: being depressed about my situation (ever growing weight gain, more and more out of shape, feel like a failure, cluttered depressing house, turning to food constantly, no end in sight, etc...) and complaining about it constantly only ever got me MORE of the same.

By switching the focus to affirming how I wanted my life to be, my dream life (food in control, cease binge eating, lose weight, enjoy foods i like, clean house, exercise, more romance with Cliff), and asking God to help me, and using the tool of AFFIRMATIONS, I suddenly I started to be in a mental position to actually MAKE improvements to my life.

_ _ _

The real kicker was receiving the Marianne Williamson book and Meditation CD in the mail from Amazon. Reading the Forward, even, make me understand why all of my attempts to get my food in order over the last year have failed. I was living in FEAR, instead of LOVE.

The book, the CD, and it's teachings have completely changed me. I'm living in LOVE today. And it's SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!

_ _ _

Writing the blog is a joy again! For a long while, I only received pain everytime I wrote, because i only wrote about my pain, and was stuck in it. I couldn't dig myself out of it, no matter how hard i tried.

I now understand I was unwittingly blocking the flow of LOVE (healing) in all aspects of my life by living in FEAR.

It's amazing how pervading FEAR has been in my life. I have to scan myself DAILY to look for it. Do i see it? When i look in the mirror, am I afraid? Afraid I'm getting fatter even though i KNOW i'm doing "good" things? Afraid this isn't working? Or do i trust God? Trust the process? And stop listening to that 'disordered' part of myself. When i go to eat, am i afraid? Afraid i'll overdo it? Or do i trust God, trust my highest potential, and ask for peace and calmness and follow through? When i go to the fridge, am I afraid I'll binge if I have a snack because I really am hungry? Or do i trust the God-given barometer inside of me, hunger, and trust that when i eat, i need to? When i get in the car to drive, am i afraid I'll go binge at a fast food restaurant? Or do i trust the Lord to keep me safe?

FEAR was running every part of my day, and that's only the part with food. There are so many other areas where FEAR was in charge. With my singing. With my relationship. I could go on and on.

_ _ _

Cut to the chase. Love is now blooming in "Love Kitchen," in my beautiful organized downstairs, in my pants getting looser, in my relationship with Cliff, in my desire to exercise again. Heck, and just yesterday, i was asked by a raw food book author to submit my recipes for her book. I declined! Imagine the moxy. I decided to write MY OWN raw food book. I feel EMPOWERED to, now! And just yesterday, when i sang so beautifully, I decided to make a CD of me singing arias. I know how to sing again.

_ _ _

CREATIVITY is in the air. New energy is overtaking me. Gone is the hopelessness, the fear, the procrastination, the lonliness, the depression, the indecision, the overwhelm. We're in a new vibe now.

_ _ _

I once thought raw food CURED binge eating. It MAY help alleviate binge eating to a GREAT extent. But, today I know the REAL answer.

~ LOVE cures binge eating ~

May God bless Marianne Williamson for teaching me the missing link. I understand now.

_ _ _

This is the beginning of a new, wondrous phase. Thank you for being a part of it with me! Please write comments and send emails. They really make my day.

xoxo michelle joy

Sunday, March 13, 2011


FOOD, SUNDAY, March 13, 2011
: SMOOTHIE - carob, blueberry, banana, date

LN: Protein Lunch - cooked yellow peas & millet with a little salt. You know what? The protein lunch held me MUCH better than the carb lunch usually does.

SN: SMOOTHIE: cacao, strawberry, banana, date

5 oz cooked wildcaught salmon with mustard, dill, onions, garlic, a little butter
3/4 cup stringbeans with almond slivers and a little butter
wilted spinach, dry
1/4 cup quinoa, dry, no salt
1/4 cup cooked lentils, salted
1 glass of Riesling

A wonderful dinner in my new clean and beautiful dining room with my Beloved! We made a toast "To Love, To Organization, To De-Cluttering, To fixing up this house during the next 3 months, To Living like we DESERVE to!"

SN: hungry! the rest of the stringbeans almondine and 2 raw germinated almond treats

_ _ _

: Cleaned and decluttered living room! Reorganized living room! Vacumed! Feel renewed and rejuvenated and motivated to keep it going!

EXERCISE: Only from cleaning

COMMUNICATION: Had some good talks with Cliff as we cleaned together! This was a blessed day!

SPIRITUALITY/COMPULSIVE EATING: Deigned my kitchen, "LOVE KITCHEN," where only love occurs. Didn't listen to the Weight Loss Meditation CD today, but was SURPRISINGLY UN-COMPULSIVE!!! Wow! I had a great day! I ate when i was hungry!

BODY SCAN: Felt more energetic today and not depressed. Hey, I can tell i've lost inches by just doing the changes I've done over this past week! More exercise! Better control of my eating! Listening to the CD and working the Williamson book. Wow! My pants are looser!

SINGING: Taped myself today and listened to it. WOW. THIS is what i needed. What an amazing practicing tool. At first i was awful, but i figured it out and directed myself. My perfect technique is a mixture of what my OLD teacher taught me AND what my NEW teacher is teaching me. I guess I just had to figure that out myself. By the way, I delayed lessons with my teacher for a month due to emotional upset about my singing (I was ready to switch teachers yesterday and go back to my old teacher), AND financial issues (gas is high, we're low on funds...), but I'm WAY excited to just lay low, and instead use this tool to assist me. Amen! I'll see my new teacher again closer to Easter. And she will be happy with the work i've done on my own!

EXCITING NEWS: I'm going to be writing a raw cookbook! So many people ask for my recipe for raw toona, I'm excited to share it! I'll keep you updated on the book! I'm going to self publish like Megan did! In fact, Megan is going to help me!!

SUMMARY: A GREAT day! What more can I say? Did well with food. Cleaned. Sang well. Loved my Bunk and had a great not only bonding day with him, but planning improvements to our house. Lemme tell you, for two people who so often get stuck in deep, deep, DEEP ruts, this was a MIRACLE DAY! Talked to Megan about my new raw book. This is how LIFE should ALWAYS be!!! Moving in positive directions!

A short blog entry for once!

xoxo michelle joy

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Smoothie: chocolate, banana, date, strawberry. Shared w/Cliff. Yum!

Sn: apple. hungry!

Sn: while cooking: Taste of lentils for dinner. Taste of roasted veggies: potato, turnip and carrot roasting for lunch.

Large plain salad of spinach. No dressing.
Home made boiled pickled beets w/raw vinegar and agave, 1/2 c.
3/4 c. roasted root veggies (potato, sweet potato, carrot, turnip), seasoned with herbs, olive oil, salt, pepper

1/2 grapefruit;

Sn: hungry!!!!
1 glass smoothie
made from:
-1 banana
-1/2 orange
-1/2 small container raspberries
-1.5 dates
-a squirt agave
-filtered water

Dinner: hungry early!!!!!
3/4 cup of lentils
1/2 cup quinoa
several cups of wilted spinach
2 oz of raw cheese
1 raw stuffed date
3 raw coconut almond treats

*2 sheets Nori with 4 oz raw salty cashew cheeze spread on
*1/2 cup lima beans mixed with veggies and a little butter
*1/4 cup quinoa
*2 cups gluten free pasta with veggies and sauce
*2 raw coconut almond treats
_ _ _ _

Besides smoothies, only had 40 oz today.

I had planned to do water walking and to take a walk with Cliff. But, I never did any formal exercise, but cleaned all day. Cleaned the kitchen and dining room. The living room is almost done. This was sort of exercise.

I had what I thought was a good practice early in the day, but I'm not so sure how good it actually was. I need to begin recording myself. I'm working on the "Inneggiamo" from Cavelleria Rusticana for Easter Sunday. Reminders - Don't let consonants interrupt the flow of the line. Don't let consonants pull the larynx up. Feel kvetch in stomach = support. Relax mouth/jaw.

My legs felt bloated and stiff early in the day. My right knee felt tender. I felt a little lacking in energy today, but motivated to clean. Later in the day, I felt very bloated from salt as I unwittingly used a lot in the lentils. SALT: I am attracted to salt in a destructive way. When i've gotten too much of it and feel the effects (bloated legs), I go to it in a self destructive way. The cashew cheese is so salty and it's the first thing I targeted on a binge.

Early in the day: Thinking thoughts of healing, yet aware of the automatic negative tapes that are still there. I wanted to eat compulsively this morning, but didn't. Listened to the Meditation CD instead.

Later in the day: Cleaning was difficult, challenging. Was it because it uncovered the silence, the quiet, where my fears and negative voice can be heard?

Why do i clutter? What purpose does it serve? Cleaning away the clutter brought up painful emotions and my M.O. is to head to the food, which i did, even though i listened to that Weightloss Meditation all day.

Marianne Williamson makes a good point, she says that success doesn't come right away, that it can take time. I need to pray more over my food and stay focused.

Anyway, i ate most of the binge meal in plain view of Cliff who didn't know what i was doing, that i had eaten dinner earlier. This was an extended 2nd dinner.

I ended up crying to him later about some things bothering me, we talked for a long, long while in bed before falling asleep about The Secret, about our own conceptions of self esteem and if we feel we deserve the best things in life, we voiced our dreams and we each gave 10 things we dream our life could be.

1) my body to return to it's natural beauty, no stretchmarks or cellulite or obesity
2) my voice to reach it's highest potential and to have a singing career
3) to have a beautiful home i'm proud of
4) to have 5 million dollars
5) to travel around the world
6) to have at least a daughter and to raise my child/ren in a nature setting with Cliff away from the things of man, like on an island in Fiji, no television, nothing destructive to children
7) to get hair transplants
8) to have great intense soul-connecting sex daily
9) to get my lazy eye fixed
10) To never be a compulsive eater again.

Earlier in the day: Turning to the Williamson CD instead of compulsively eating brings out this profound sadness and mourning. This, I know, is good, is progress. The wrong spirit that hungers for the food is dying.

Later in the day: I felt down all afternoon. I had trouble cleaning. I didn't feel like it. And i didn't feel like exercising. And I kept finding stuff I didn't want to confront, stuff i bury, in clutter. Alot of papers and stuff i threw away, but i just have too much stuff. What do i do with all of this STUFF? Memories flood back ticked off from things I found. I became more and more upset. When Cliff came home, I talked it all out with him and felt better. A few tears and oila', better. I was aware that the raw dessert treats I had were eaten in a compulsive state. I didn't feel good and wanted to feel better. The real release came later. Not too much damage done.

Much later in the day: Things unraveled with the food. So, i see it had been a hard day that led up to it, already.

What food serves me? Marianne asks that we rid our pantries if we can of all foods that no longer serve us or we know are unhealthy for us. This is a really loaded request. How do i know what is unhealthy for me? I love beans, but can easily binge on them. Does that mean they are unhealthy for me? Is all cooked food unhealthy for me? I had a binge on raw cashew cheeze. Are nuts and salt and garlic unhealthy for me? It depends on who you ask. Ask a psychologist and they would encourage you to eat normally what you binge on. Ask a Weight Watchers leader and they would encourage you to eat a variety of foods in moderation. Ask a fruitarian and they'd agree anything cooked and anything gourmet raw is bad for me.

Unfortunately, i have all of this past with food, with guilt over food, an enormous conflict of feelings of entitlement with food, it is my right to eat what i like, feeling guilty when i turn to foods that I know one group objects to.

What is healthy for me? The truth is, is that fruitarian is very hard to binge on. Something in me last night felt convicted to get rid of all of the cooked and to do fruitarian.

But today, I don't know what i'll do. I feel more entitled now. I'm more angry, upset that i have to be in this position, where fucking beans could be considered unhealthy. I know many people who DO believe they are unhealthy, but the majority of the world doesn't. ARE THEY?

And what is the CAUSE of binge eating? Marianne says compulsive eating is based in FEAR. She does mention that there ARE TRIGGER FOODS.

What are my trigger foods? I would have to agree that i'm experiencing a lot of FEAR about what are the correct foods for me are, and a deep disturbing questioning regarding what my trigger foods are.

It's a distinct possibility that this undercurrent of upset was running through me all day.

Marianne asks that we lay our hands on EVERYTHING in our cubbards and FRIDGE/FREEZER and ask God to bless these foods and to direct us if they are best for us and to ask ourselves if this food serves us and to notice HOW it FEELS to HOLD that food.

I know that a bag of potato chips is BAD for me. I get that. I don't have anything like that in the house. We cleaned out EVERYTHING after we started Anna Inez's plan. We have no junk food.

So, now i am left with this dilemma of asking chick peas if they are good for me. And you know what? I don't want to!

I'm experiencing resistance to her teachings. Good to notice it.

I'm going to walk into "Love Kitchen" right now (i decided to name my kitchen) and ask it to bless me, ask the Angels to bless and watch over me today as Marianne directs, ask all of the foods in it if they are best for me, or not.

Should be interesting, at least.

ps. I did feel kind of hungry last night since my meals were light all day, but the binge was brought on by emotions. I was definitely seeking comfort in food, rather than turning to God. I'm going to have to learn to do that in a highly emotional state, which i was in yesterday.

All things said, a binge on quinoa and gluten free pasta and germinated nut/coconut treats is a VASTLY different thing that binges I've had on fried fish and mozzerella sticks and entire sticks of butter and cheese hoagies and french fries and onion rings. It's a different thing. And i should pat myself on the back for that instead of beat myself up over it.

I'm also anxious and fearful about Monday. I'm supposed to get weighed and I'm scared. So, maybe i won't weigh myself. Maybe i'll wait until I'm sure I weigh less. When it is more obvious.

I've still done quite a bit of exercise this week, i ate lots of healthy things, had alot of self control, got done things I had to. All in all, i should chalk this up to a good week.

SPIRITUAL: Listening to the CD all morning while I clean and cook. Praying all day with Marianne.

CLEANING: Did all of dishes. Straightened kitchen. Goal: straighten dining and living room. Cliff will vacume. Gather laundry. Cliff will put laundry in. Straighten hallway downstairs and upstairs. Working on it.

ORGANIZING: Another day, begin working on one room at a time to organize. Begin to clear out / organize / gather into bags from storage rooms on 2nd floor. Also, gather books and storage items on 3rd floor that have accumulated since my work with Megan last year! In the coming days and weeks, take gathered bags to take to Salvation Army to donate, or sell them on Craigs list.

Good news! Vicky, my friend from The Secret class, said she is happy to help me organize. She said, "I have a passion for organizing other people's things." I said, "What do you charge?" She answered, "Nothing." I said, "Hallelujah. Give me your number!"

I've not only gained physical weight on my body, but I've gained the weight and burden of more items in my house than I need. It all goes hand in hand! By ridding myself of things that no longer serve me, I'll be losing those weights as well! If i can make some money from my stuff, so be it! If it can bless others, hallelujah!

xoxo michelle joy


Good morning,

We got our computer back, yay!

I worked at Arnold's on Thursday and yesterday, Friday. They are really blessed days at Arnold's Way. We have so much fun. We are like a little family.

Last night I led another installment of "The Secret" class. This class meets every Friday night at 7pm for one hour at Arnold's Way. Routinely, we watch portions of "The Secret" DVD, but this week, we read notes I had taken from the first weeks' video portion. The focus was on the power of Affirmations, and how implanting positive thoughts wipe out negative thoughts. We had lively discussion with 5 women and then the class dwindled to a one-on-one that was intimate, enriching and empowering. This student and I seem to be going through much the same issues.

I'll call her Vicky. Vicky felt great when she was raw. She lost weight. She had abounding energy, she exercised regularly of her own accord, felt her spirit and vibrational level raise above the negative energies that usually bring her down. She felt positive, empowered, strong, able. But, Vicky explained, she falls into a self defeating pattern with her diet, repeatedly. For a time, she manages to stay on all raw, then, without warning, she starts paying attention to things she hears, that we need flesh protein as humans, or that we need some cooked vegetables and grains in our diet to be healthy. She soon falls prey to the influence, begins adding in these foods, until eventually, she falls off of raw completely, turns her back on it, and only wants to eat cooked.

She voiced that she doesn't know who to trust. Who to listen to. There are so many opionions about diet. She's easily swayed.


I shared with Vicky about the Marianne Williamson book and Meditation CD, 'A Course in Weight Loss,' and how it leads us to allowing our Higher Power to direct our diet.

Vicky complained that she prays DAILY about getting the motivation to go raw, and still, the shoe hasn't dropped. She's still in a lot of distress about how to do it, who to listen to, what plan of the myriad of raw plans to follow, what author to listen to, and voiced fear about returning to her old pattern. A kind of "what's the use?" feeling. She also berated herself for her inability to just "do it" after all of this time talking about it.

Vicky and I talked things out and decided to work the "Secret" around her issue, her feelings and thoughts concerning her diet and concerning raw.

Vicky admitted that deep down her turning to comfort food is all about soothing the hurting child who just wants to be calmed and loved and made to feel better. Vicky said that she often turns to food compulsively for comfort and love or when she's lonely or to celebrate or for any emotional reason. (As i obviously do, too). Food is a sensual experience, also, and fills in when sensual needs are not met as they should be, naturally, in more nurturing ways.



In her journey towards raw, Vicky realized as we talked, that she was making more progress than she gave herself credit for. Vicky acknowledged that she WAS taking positive steps to become raw. She had just drank a green smoothie, and never patted herself on the back for it. "Hey," I noticed, "You've been a raw foodist for the last few hours here at Arnold's Way!" Acknowledging this, she hugged herself proudly and gave herself the kudos she deserves. Yay! Vicky also admitted that she had just joined Arnold's weekly Green Smoothie club where you buy 2 green smoothies a day for a week (a new buy1 get 1 free program to turn your life around), and realized how beneficial this decision was going to be for her. She congratulated herself for this BIG step towards becoming more raw.

Vicky even adopted a new affirmation to implant positivity in her mind, instead of depressing herself by constantly saying, "Why can't i eat more raw?" Now she will say, "I am a budding raw foodist!" and be proud of every positive step she takes in that direction!

These new positive steps seemed to make her feel proud and empowered.

She even caught herself complaining once, instead of focusing on the positive and on "what she wants to be" and "already is." "There I go again!," she exclaimed, catching the negative self defeating thought.

A great first step! If we never recognize negative thoughts, we can't work on changing them!

We worked on saying, "I AM......(fill in the blank with desired positive)" instead of focusing on the dissappointments of our lives and days,...or instead of focusing on the constant desire to have something in the future with "I WANT." "I WANT," Shaei reminded us, means we'll never get it, we're always yearning for something, but it will continue to stay out of our reach. "I AM" or "I HAVE" is where the energy is. "I AM becoming MORE RAW!" is the appropriate way to express one's desire...and have it fulfilled!

"Vicky is becoming MORE RAW!" Yay!!!

And, with her new positive outlook and our new empowered affirming vocabulary, Vicky left the class feeling more confident in her abilities to manifest positive outcomes in her diet and in her life.

And so did I!

We left hugging and telling each other how great we both are, because WE ARE! How wonderful!

_ _ _ _

It was a really good class. Same time next week!

SECRET FRIDAYS at Arnold's Way
319 W. Main Street
Lansdale, PA 19446
Friday Eves, 7-8p.m.

_ _ _ _

I ate raw all day Thursday, except for when i got home on thursday night, I had a cooked compulsive series of 3 snacks. This was unplanned.

Feeling badly about it, i remembered what Williamson teaches, and realized there was really no need to beat myself up about it. God would take care of it. I just needed to let go of the fear, and trust and let him do his work. I will fall. But He will pick me up and show me a better way.

That night when i fell asleep on the couch, near the kitchen, I knew Cliff was sleeping upstairs and that i could go on a binge if i wanted to, you know, to really rub it in, punish myself good and mean for what i had just eaten illegally.

But i decided NOT to. Instead, i forgave myself and fell asleep.

_ _ _

It turned out to be an interesting experience and made me question the value of fish (2 of the compulsive snacks I ran to) and raw cheese (the 3rd compulsive snack) in my life.

Williamson says on her Meditation CD that we should pray to God about every food we eat and ask Him if it's BEST for us. She reminds us, however, that in her wisdom, processed chemically laden food is not good for us, as are foods that are very calorically high for a small portion.

Something about what she said made me think twice about fatty salmon (my favorite fish and a binge food) and raw cheese (also a binge food). I have eaten these foods in moderation, but it takes much focus.

Will I give them up? Won't I? I'm going to take my time. I'm just thinking about these foods, considering them before God's throne, asking him what He thinks is best. I'll wait for the conviction to know what to do, as Marianne promises.

She says, "Someday, you just won't WANT them anymore."

_ _ _

So, Friday, I was ALL DAY raw. No cooked snack at night. I chose to have an apple before bed when i was hungry, instead of anything cooked. It felt good to follow through on my plan to eat raw all day.

Overall, I feel good about these 2 days raw, or mostly raw!!!

On Friday, i even felt a little energetic and took so many bowel movements. Something was really cleaning me out and moving! This was encouraging!

_ _ _

Something occured to me as Vicky and I were discussing our difficulty with deciding on HOW to go raw. We discussed that we both have so much conflicting information in our heads, and also, so much experience with raw, that we admitted MUCH FEAR was keeping us from going raw again! For instance, I'm afraid to do 811 again even though i acknowledge i had better energy and quick weight loss, because i don't want to lose my hair again. (Since i've been eating cooked, it's not falling out like it was, and you can't see through the top of my head as much). And Vicky's afraid going raw again will interfere with her meds that she needs to be on.

Fear. Fear. Fear. Our discussion revealed that we're concerned we need to do raw "perfectly," strictly, like a pro, stop eating at 2pm like Tanya Zavasta, or eat no fat or salt or a million other "shoulds" running around in our heads, and that we don't know which plan to follow and that we're both waiting for the ball to drop, but we're AFRAID.

_ _ _

So, it occured to me - when i first went raw, i knew nothing about the controversy over the value of fruit, is it good for you or does it exacerbate cancer?, or vegetables, do we need fibrous veggies or do we turn from them because they contain no glucose?, or the difference between fruitarian or gourmet or is it okay to eat nuts or don't eat nuts or salt or salt free or spices or spice free or food combining or gourmet anything goes or raw vinegar being okay or does it kill enzymes or juicing vs. no juicing "the apes don't juice!" or superfoods like goji and maca and cacao being incredibly healing or incredibly destructive. A person can go CRAZY listening to all of the controversy. And it can halt a desire to go raw simply because of confusion. Calgon, take me away!

When i first went raw, I knew nothing of all of the conflicting viewpoints and controversy concerning raw....AND I WAS BETTER FOR IT!!!

All i knew, OR, rather, BELIEVED...was that raw would take away my binge eating and make me lose weight. And for the 8 months I was at OHI, it did!

_ _ _

Maybe, ...., maybe, i started thinking, maybe it's how we THINK and FEEL about RAW, ala the Secret, that is the MOST important thing. If we BELIEVE it will work, we will manifest that it WILL! If we believe it won't work, it probably won't!

Maybe, just maybe, it worked for me......BECAUSE i believed it would. (Like the medicine vs. the Placebo. Both are effective because you BELIEVE the placebo is working.)

_ _ _

When i was at OHI, I ate gourmet raw meals not knowing what i was doing, gourmet shmormay, it was just "raw," all the while believing i was doing something GOOD for myself! I left the raw restaurants on cloud nine! "You mean, i can eat decadently, and STILL lose weight?" I was incredulous! I ate chocolates and guacamole and always a soup and flax crackers and a raw entree on every visit, and ALWAYS a slice of pie afterwards! And i savored and ENJOYED and loved every minute. And i lost weight. Alot of weight. Because I BELIEVED i would!

Exercise played a big part. I WANTED to walk, move, I was full of energy!

_ _ _

I often think of Dustin and Meredith and how the 300 lb Dustin decided he weighed 150 lbs less one day, and he kept telling himself that, over and over again, day after day. One day, he discovered raw. He went with it! Dustin ate the most incredible gourmet (his wife's) ( the entire time! Not even a FEW times a week like I did, but every day! Soon, he manifested his desire for thinness. His beliefs led his a miraculous outcome...thinness. You should see this hottie now! You would NEVER believe he was formerly a heavy person. NEVER!

It worked for him, because he decided it would. He trusted.

_ _ _

Just like i did when it worked for me.

Before I "knew" so much and became so jaded.

I didn't know too many nuts were bad for me, that garlic and salt are irritants, that oil clogs up your system. All i knew was, raw was heaven, my answer, my savior.

_ _ _

So, yesterday, something kind of overcame me at Arnolds and I decided to go back to believing that ALL raw foods were GOOD and HEALING for me, no matter how salty, how fatty.

It felt liberating, and many times throughout the day, i felt like my OLD thinner raw self. I even carried myself differently. I felt LIGHTER. I felt like the old me.

When i caught myself in the mirror in the bathroom, i was dissappointed to see the 'me of today' looking back, but the harder i looked, the more it looked like my old face peeking through the pudge face. Hello, me! It's so good to see you! And the longer I looked...I looked and FELT thinner!

_ _ _

Now, i do admit, i routinely OVERDO it on raw food at Arnold's Way. I eat liberally between meals and snack all day. I would like it if i ate meals and snacks in a more controlled and organized fashion. There is much work that needs to be done in this area. I have a desire to take my Meditation CD to work with me next to help influence me to eat more wisely there and less impulsively.

And, i note, I am mostly attracted to salty nut pates and raw bread. I go to the heavy stuff.

[I acknowledge I can reprogram that pattern.]

_ _ _

And I usually have just come off of being salt free, so i blow up from the sodium and feel pretty bad physically at work. But since i've decided to be liberal and accepting of sodium, i never did blow up yesterday, i actually urinated a few times, and what was really shocking, was i went number two about 7 times.

Was that because of my new mindset?

The fact that i eliminated so much....felt....ENCOURAGING, as if RAW was WORKING for me, again, instead of working AGAINST me.

Wow. That felt NEW.

_ _ _

Reminders from Angela Stokes book on weight loss repeated over and over again in my mind. She said, "Make sure you eat a lot of nuts." Eating a lot of nuts worked for her, obviously, in the beginning. And i never turned nuts down when i went to the gourmet raw places a few times a week and still managed to lose 140 lbs.

Since i've been OFF of raw for well over a year, maybe eating the heavy actually HEALING!!! Maybe eating nuts IS BETTER than fish????

I know my dear friends Megan and Joey would agree. The poor animals....

_ _ _

All i know is, something clicked in me after the class and our discussion, and i bought a nut pate to bring home and some kelp noodles.

This was my first raw gourmet purchase in a LONG, LONG, LONG time. And it felt refreshingly new and I delighted in the desire and follow through!

_ _ _

In listening to Marriane Williamson's Weightloss Meditation CD, she talks about eating nuts and seeds and veggies and fruits as all God's healthy and unprocessed bountiful food. (I wonder if she's a raw foodist!) Hearing this on the CD repeatedly has REALLY gotten the wheels turning towards THINKING about raw again. Wow. Who woulda thunk it.

_ _ _

And i think back to how i used to feel (not to mention the tremendous benefit, weight loss, I experienced). And i realized that i used to have surges of energy as a raw foodist. I felt them strongly at work in the mornings as a raw chef. I used to feel like i wanted to jump out of my skin i had so much energy! I have not had this feeling for quite some time - BUT i felt, ever so slightly, on Friday, the return of a teensy tiny energy surge, and that was really a huge event for me! I'd been asking God to show me which diet (fish and quinoa, etc...) or raw (at work) makes me feel better.

And the 7 b.m.s also told me something was moving. Literally!

_ _ _

Was raw REALLY better for me?
Marianne Williamson has us praying to God and relying on HIM for the answer and direction. So, i notice, i write, I pray, I wait, I trust in the process, for today. I notice my habitual thoughts of food, but I don't grab for it this morning, I turn the CD on instead and a sadness, a mourning wells up in me. I notice my desires for food and how i automatically want to 'do' what i 'think' about. I think about 'cooked,' and i want to eat cooked. Consequently, i think about raw and i want to eat raw. We are what we think. I acknowledge that I am powerless over food and that only God can heal me and direct me. The Secret says I am the creator of my own reality, but I acknowledge that it will only turn out good if I allow God to lead me. So, what do i want? I want health and healing. So, I put on the CD, i write, i read the Williamson book, I work it, I have gratitude for the new experiences I've been having with raw, positive and negative experiences with raw, and with cooked, and with exercise, with my mindset, with my class.

And, I await my perfect diet and my perfect body. I trust and know that I am in the process of healing.

Amen. And Hallelujah.

xoxo michelle joy

Thursday, March 10, 2011


* I won't be online for the next few days as our computer needs to be repaired. See you when we get it back!


I woke up this morning with my head whirling. So much to do, I don't know what to do first. How will I ever get it all done. If i do the dishes in the kitchen, I'll be tired and my feet will hurt at work. Fear. If i clean, i'll be tired for work. Fear.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

My face is soooo fat. My body is so much wider than i remember. Fear. What will everyone at work think? What will customers think? What have they been thinking all along? Oh my god, what a fat face. Has it been this fat all along? Does it look any thinner?

I see the fear.

I dress up in colorful clothes today not really realizing that it's been a while since i've worn color to work. I don't wear black to hide today, but torquoise and lavender and put earrings and a colorful necklace on. I even put on a cute colorful pin. I pull my hair back and expose my fat face and put a headscarf on which magnifies it's fatness.

I look at my face again. It's still so fat. After 4 days of diet and exercise.

Do you think this is working? I ask myself, again. I recognize the fear, again. The fear that has ALWAYS driven me to run up to the scale. I'd either be elated or crushed. That's why crash diets appealed to me. The BIG LOSS! If i have a big loss, i know i'm a good person. If i don't lose or gain, i'm a peice of shit.

I don't know how rapidly i'll lose on what i'm doing. But it's liveable. If i enjoy my days, aren't I more prone to sticking with it?

"People don't lose weight on more than 1 banana a day," i hear Carlene's voice frightening me.


I sit down on the side of the bed to pray. Dear God, I say, help me to remove the fear from my life. Help me to knock down this wall of fat around me. It's been protecting me for a long time. I don't need it anymore. I know I have YOU now. I don't need food to comfort me anymore. YOU are the Great Comforter.

I think of the Tori Amos video of her little deformed toe and how she was ashamed of it and covered it up with the sock. The sock is my fat, i tell myself over and over again, as if i'm realizing it constantly for the first time.

I'm the little deformed toe, or at least i think i am. The little girl who was adopted out, somebody didn't want me. A reject. And then there was the sexual and emotional abuse. I learned not to be able to say NO. I don't matter. Only what YOU want matters. Only how YOU feel matters. That i hate how this feels isn't important. And i didn't have anyone warm and comforting to turn to. So, I turned to FOOD. And then i got fat. People at home to people at school 'beat me up' for being fat. Insecurity. Shame. Lack of confidence. And i gained and gained. And hid. And cried. And ran to food more. And ran to diets and diet camp. My weight went up and down like a yoyo. And later in life, the gains and losses became even more dramatic, and it ruined my skin. Stretchmarks and saggy skin, cellulite. And I became even more embarrassed and ashamed of myself. If you only knew what was the real me. My skin represented who i thought i really was. Ugly. An embarrassment. Ashamed. A reject. Less than. At one point, for quite a while, I sought out love on the internet. I risked and showed them my skin, my shame, my embarrassment, my less than perfect self, and they rejected the little reject. No one wants me. i'm not good enough. And so i ate. And food never made fun of me or told me i wasn't good enough or pretty or sexy enough or perfect enough. Food always accepted me and said, "Come eat me, i'm always here for you!" It always made me FEEL GOOD. I never connected that it was hurting me, that it was a false lover.

Hurts rumble and tumble inside my heart from long long ago. They all live underneath this fat suit. All of this hurt and shame and tremendous sadness. No wonder why I've been reticent to let the fatsuit go. I needed it to cover up. To protect me and shield me from getting hurt again.

Thinking about all of the hurt and more hurt surfaces. Jobs i didn't get because i was too fat. I didn't fit in the chair at the interview, but was the most able, the most qualified. Injustice. Boys that liked me when i was thin and turned from me when i got fat. Rejection. What's wrong with ME? I'm still the same person. The man from Germany who loved me over the phone, "You are the moon and I am the sun!," he proclaimed to get a fabulous 3 week vacation to the states as my guest, pretending to be in love with me. The pain of rejection, of having been used...was enormous.

All of this has been alive under the fat suit. Until now.

God is taking each pain, each brick of my wall, and they are crumbling before His and my eyes.

Perfection. I could never do something modified because it had to be perfect. Now i CAN come late to an aquaerobics class. I'm still worthy! I can modify my steps on the Bellydance video. I don't HAVE to be perfect anymore! I can take a bite of Cliff's lunch to taste test it and I don't have to binge. I'm still an OKAY person!


I go to say good morning to Cliff. And out of nowhere the most profound sadness comes over me and I start to weep. "I don't feel good, Bunky, i don't feel good, Bunky." I wail to him. I don't know why. All i know is is that I'm healing. The fatsuit is being removed. The bricks are crumbling. The pains are surfacing. And i don't need to run to food to feel better.

I don't have to be afraid anymore. Now i have God instead of food. I have people i love. I have trust and hope and faith like I haven't had for a long, long, long time.

Thank you, Marianne Williamson, for your inspired and amazing book, "A Course in Weightloss," and your CD of "Meditations of Weightloss." They are having a profound effect on me.

And even so, there is fear again that pops up, again. "This is going to be just like anything else you've ever tried. You'll get excited about it and then drop it for the next big thing." That's the fear talking again. It wants to be in control, but I'm not going to let it. I see right through you now, fear! Take that! Ha! I reject fear today and right now.

I KNOW, dear God, that only through YOU good things come. Healing, weightloss, stopping binge eating, to name a few. Only YOU can do this. You know how i know this? I know this because I've tried EVERYTHING else and nothing else works. The more effort you apply (30 days of bananas), the worse the backlash is (I gained 4o lbs back in a week.) Today, I ask for YOUR guidance, for your hand to guide me.

Fruits and vegetables nourish me like nothing else, but there was something about the raw diet I always overlooked. I had surrendered. I gave up. I KNEW i couldn't stop binge eating on my own. I believed that raw food would take away my binge eating. It severely DECREASED it, helped me MANAGE it, but that's not enough anymore. It was always STILL THERE, waiting to come back, waiting for the opportunity to re-emerge when i was off guard.

Even eating bananas for 30 days didn't take away my binge eating, because I was still filled with the FEAR that propelled it.

Today, dear Lord, i ask for your guidance, your comfort, your love, your healing. Remove every painful brick from me that they should dissolve and leave only a heart and body filled with LOVE.

_ _ _

xoxo michelle joy

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


* I won't be online for the next few days as our computer needs to be repaired. See you when we get it back!

_ _ _ _ _

Monday Weigh-In: 356.5 lbs

Highest Weight: 425 lbs

Total Weight Loss: 68.5 lbs, YAY! I'm celebrating SUCCESS from now on!

GOAL: To lose 60 lbs by May 7, 2011, putting my total weight loss back at 128.5 lbs.

_ _ _

FOOD LOG - Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'll be updating this throughout the day!

Br: blueberry, raspberry shake with date and banana

Snack: 2 pears

1 cup mashed potato with a little butter, mixed with raw red pepper chunks
steamed mixed veggies
large spinach salad with mushrooms, onions and red pepper
a little raw dressing

YUM! And Listening to the "A Course in Weightloss" MEditation CD while eating is an unreal experience. This is the end of binge eating. This is the answer.

Snack: hungry!!
Yummy smoothie
1/2 large banana
1.5 fresh mango
1 pear
3 strawberries
1/2 small container raspberries
some agave
filtered water

Snack: HUNGRY and it's 4:00pm, not really time for dinner yet...
1/2 jar fat free Borscht (cabbage, tomato)
with fresh mushrooms and fresh spinach mixed in

Dinner: hungry!!
2.5 baked tuna patties
the rest of the soup I had earlier
1/2 can of chick peas

Snack: while making cliff's lunch for tomorrow, 2 tastes of gluten free pasta with sauce and veggies.

_ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _

I noticed and experienced some negative emotions pop up today, so instead of dwelling on them or giving in to them, i've decided to turn them into Affirmations. For instance, i felt fearful i'm going to binge if i taste while cooking. But, i realized it had no hold on me. It's a OLD fear from the OLD me. God has made me NEW and washed me clean. Writing these affirmations has been extraordinarily helpful to me in getting through my day. I hope they resonate with you as well.

Affirmation 1: I feel no shame, no guilt, no judgement, no self condemnation, no FEAR about what i've eaten today. I know that God is in charge of me now and that I am a new creature, being TRANSFORMED and HEALED with every meal I eat.

Affirmation 2:
I have trust that what I'm doing will heal my body, spirit, soul and mind. I do not need to weigh myself more than 1x week to "see if this is working." I trust in the process.

Affirmation 3:
I no longer binge eat. I eat from a place of peace and love. The 'A Course in Weightloss' Meditation CD is reprogramming my mind.

Affirmation 4:
I have a healthy eating and exercise plan I can stick with. I lose weight at a comfortable pace. I stick with my plan long term. I can do this!

Affirmation 5:
My life is turning around. It takes only ONE DAY to change the pattern. ONE DAY! (I went from sedentary and binge active and inspired to eat healthfully and exercise.)
I can do this today. I did this yesterday. I can do this for the rest of my life. I follow through. I have stick-to-it-ive-ness. I am strong. I persevere.

Affirmation 6: The time i am spending now on taking care of myself, on writing, processing my emotions, preparing healthful meals, and on exercise, is worth it. Many wonderful things are going to come out of this!

Affirmation 7:
I am grateful for the time away from fulltime work to work on myself, process my emotions, increase my fitness, better my diet, and bring more organization to my home. Only God can help me with all of this.

Affirmation 8:
I receive money abundantly through cooking jobs, singing jobs, and selling things on Craigslist that served me at one point, and now other people are happy to receive.

Affirmation 9: I see now the wisdom of setting goals and why I was always afraid to set them before - FEAR OF FAILURE. Today I affirm that I do the BEST i can each and every day and that I feel pride and satisfaction from accomplishing goals to the best of my ability.

Affirmation 10: Tasting food while cooking is an activity that I control and feel at peace with.

Thank you, God, for helping me turn my life around!
_ _ _

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Gauges how i do day-to-day in the important stuff that will help me keep my food on track... I edit these over the course of the day...

SCAL-0-meter: I weigh myself every Monday morning, 1x/week, which i did yesterday.

goal of 2 hours/day
- I took a walk with Cliff (60 mins). Lovely, but challenging, lots of hills!
- I did 13 mins of the Bellydancing video.
My goal of 2 hours a day I'm going to stick with, but acknowledge I won't always be able to meet it. I'm tired tonight. And tomorrow and Friday, I work all day. I'll do what I can do, but won't feel guilty, fearful or ashamed. I feel proud to do what i can. And 2 hours when i can do it will lead me closer to my goal.

CLEAN-o-meter: LOW! Not doin' too good on the cleaning! Oh, well! There's always tomorrow!

NEG-o-meter: Feelin' a little bit of fear today. Writing out the affirmations in positive language (no no's or nots) REALLY RELIEVED alot of the fear, wow!!! This shit works!

SECRET-o-meter: Feeling positive. Read some of the 'A Course in Weightloss' this morning to brainwash myself. Seems to be working!

SING-o-meter: I'm seriously seriously distressed about what my new teacher is teaching me and how my old teacher taught me. I like the old way better, yet i acknowledge the new way has it's merits. I listened to the Macbeth video and i wasn't happy with how i sounded. I was really dissappointed. I'm either in a process that is not complete yet, or I just need to practice more with the recorder what my new teacher is teaching me, or I just need to get a new teacher. I'm trying to figure this out. It weighs on me. My old teacher is in NYC now and i don't have the money to see her. Maybe i could go see her once a month??? That's an idea!!! I can afford that, but only if i stop the teacher i'm seeing now. I have a few singing jobs lined up and now i'm really worried about them because i feel i'm not sounding good. And i deserve to.

I had a good singing practice after writing. I'm focusing on keeping my larynx down.

MUSIC-o-meter: I'm tellin' ya, i'm rockin' OUT to that Bellydancing video with Veena and Neena. The music is FAB!!! Lovin' it!

NEGLECT-o-meter: Cliff is sweet lately. That's nice! The better I do, the happier and more loving he is. Interesting!

Listened to 'A Course in Weightloss' Meditation CD while i was in the kitchen several times today.

FEEL-o-meter: Feel happy, how nice!

Frustrated all day with pee-ing alot! I wish we had a bathroom downstairs!!! Up and down to pee, uy! And in the middle of the night! The positive side is I'm releasing water.

BOD-o-meter: My knees feel like tight rubberbands, i guess, from all of this sudden working out. It concerns me, but doesn't 'hurt.' As far as body image goes, i don't think i look any thinner, which concerns my eating disordered mind, but my healthy mind knows what i'm doing is good for me and it feels good and will produce results. I have to just trust. When i look at myself in the mirror today, i accept myself and don't call myself names or put hate into what i see, i've been working on THAT for a long time, but, evenso, it's shocking to see how fat i've gotten. My mind is more in thin mode now. I feel like i used to feel 100 lbs thinner and being at the gym and expecting to see myself the way i used to look at the gym is a shock. But i think that's progress. I think this is what Williamson talks about how the inner has to change and then the outer will change. My inner is definitely changing. I feel like i've lost 100 lbs on the inside, but my body just hasn't caught up yet. If i trust and just follow through, it WILL!

HUNG-o-meter: Wasn't that hungry for breakfast. Mostly thirsty. Now that it's getting later, 11am, i feel HUNGRY!!!!!! Maybe some water will help, or i'll have some fruit. I was so hungry after our walk, we shared a shake. I was sooo hungry before dinner! I feel satisfied tonight. Time for bed!

COMP-EAT-o-meter: Affirmation: "Self control, self discipline, focus, planning, following through are GREAT gifts today. Thank you, God, the source of all GOOD." I have not eaten compulsively today.

AQUA-o-meter -
(GOAL 100 oz H2O daily, in addition to smoothies): drank 55 oz so far. 100? uy. I pee so much as it is. I suppose i'm getting lots of fluids from the smoothies, too. Maybe 100 oz a day EXCLUDING smoothies was too tall an order. That's a lot of water in addition to smoothies.

Need to keep my eye on doing creative things as an outlet. Who has time for creative things when preparing meals and exercising and cleaning the kitchen have to be done??? I'm overwhelmed as it is!

EXPRESS-o-meter: Boy, this daily logging is extraordinarily helpful. I'm not only communicating, i'm monitoring myself. That's freakin' powerful.

HONEST-o-meter: Haven't lied to myself yet today!

FOODLOG-o-meter: I logged all of my meals today!

STICKTOTHEPLAN-o-meter: I'm trying to be on the ball, but also allow for flexibility and not feel guilty about it. I'm working on trusting.

(how fast I eat): Bkfst - medium, hard to drink shakes slowly / Lunch - medium / Dinner - medium. I was so hungry today it was hard to slow down.

Affirm-o-meter: Good! Did some meaningful affirmations above.

Still feeling grateful for feeling motivated again and grateful to be on track. Thank you, God!

xoxox michelle joy